Fic: Observations, Ch 242
“Nyota.”
“What did you say, Spock?”
“Nyota.”
“Bones, I think he wants Nyota here too.”
“She’s on her way.”
“Spock, I’m gonna take tricorder readin’s now, but later I might ask you to lift up your shirt or change into one of the patient gowns. Is that okay with you? Do you want M’Benga to conduct this? What’re you more comfortable with?”
I was silent. Then nodded.
“You want M’Benga to do this? I’ll got call him-”
I shook my head.
“Stay.”
The doctor’s exhaled, his expression indescribable. The lines of his face, the look in his eye.
“All right. We’ve got you, Spock.”
“Spock!” Nyota ran into the Sickbay. “Spock,” she embraced me.
I returned her embrace, grasping for her.
“Spock,” she repeated over and over, stroking my hair. “It’s all right, I’m here, we’re here,” she soothed, rubbing circles into my back. “Ndugu, I’m here.”
Don’t leave me.
“We’re here. We won’t leave you, we’ll never leave you. It’s all right, you’re safe now. You’re here with us, you’re safe.”
There is no safe place.
“You’re home, with family. You did just as you should have,” she continued to hold me, rocking me gently. “Ushikwapo shikamana. You held on, and now you’re safe. We’ll take care of you now.”
Don’t leave me.
“We’ll take care of you. We’ll take care you, we’ll never leave you. I promise. Not for all the worlds in the Alpha Quadrant will we ever leave you, ndugu. You’re safe now. You came back to us. You did what you had to, don’t be afraid.”
For a moment, she simply sat and held me as my breathing evened out. I felt drained.
“Come on, let’s let Leonard take some tricorder readings.”
I nodded.
“Do you need me to step back, Leonard?”
“Just a little, yeah, that’s good. It’ll just take a second. Okay.”
I grabbed Nyota back to my side.
“It’s okay, it’s all right. You’re safe now, I’m not going anywhere. Jim, do you want to come over here?”
“Only if Spock wants it,” he said quietly.
“Spock?”
I looked at Nyota, then glanced at Jim. He stood at the foot of the biobed, watching us. I unwrapped one of my arms from Nyota and held my hand out to Jim. He slowly came and took my hand in his. Through the contact I could feel his emotion again. They loomed, and I could not bear the fact that he was in so much pain because of me. Before I let go of his hand, I brought it to my lips and kissed it.
The remainder of the examination passed with Nyota’s soothing words, Leonard’s steady hands, and Jim’s presence by my side.
When Dr. McCoy had his diagnosis, he informed me of all the other tests he had to perform and the treatments he would prescribe. The list of my injuries seemed to be Jim’s breaking point. I could see the mountain of feeling he had struggled to control come tumbling down. Dr. McCoy led him away from my biobed, as the emotions Jim projected were effecting me and I was beginning to panic. I wanted to help him, but I could not. I was falling apart watching him. I held Nyota even tighter.
Jim returned later, emotion still flowing. The light in his eyes was guttered. He had to be on duty later. He was exhausted, standing broken on his feet. I watched as he pulled a smile together despite it all. He promised to visit me before he went to the bridge.
Dr. McCoy allowed Nyota to sleep in the adjacent biobed that night.
I slept, and did not sleep. There is no safe place.
Time. Jim came back to me, dark circles like bruises under his eyes, his captain’s mask firmly in place. We exchanged no words and two kisses, then he left. The Enterprise required her captain.
Don’t leave me.
There is no safe place.
Visitors came, but Dr. McCoy did not let them see me. They could only disturb me. I hated the thought of being near anyone, no matter their intention. Dr. McCoy discovered this when he allowed Lt. Shaw access, so that she might ask me the necessary legal questions. I answered them, but clenched my fists so tightly my arms began to shake. Attempts to control my movements were futile. Nyota became upset on my behalf.
Silence. Exhaustion. Fear. Emotion. Purge me.
Don’t leave me.
I slept. I did not sleep. I had nightmares. I suppressed them. In the blank haze of interconsciousness I found myself in dreamless sleeps with no thought, no action, no feeling. Only the grey dustiness of exhaustion.
Found. Hidden. Lost. Left. Leave. Stay.
The oblivion of nothingness. The only safety I can find. They tell me I am safe, but there is no safe place. There is no reason but madness, there are only insane rhymes given to me by a crazed girl.
There is nothing to remember. There is nothing worth remembering. There is no safe place.
Don’t leave me.