Fic: Observations, Ch 241
I wake, heart racing, blood rushing, gasping for breath. Every movement hurts. For a moment emotions flood me, the agony terror fear rage anger the emotions spin and like a hurricane grow in strength as my control slips away and I don’t know where I am who I am in the darkness and memories emerge flickering each one a second each one an eternity and my silence grows until it suffocates.
Someone touches me and I lash out until I realize they are not fighting to control to dominate me but saying something and asking me soothing calming that I’m safe and keeps telling me that even though I know there is no safe place. A trick? I am tired of fighting to live.
It is Jim.
Associations come to the surface, all of them irrational. Relief he’s here he’s here with me I’m not there anymore betrayal why didn’t he come sooner quick suppression of that feeling remembrance of the despair I would never be found and in my awareness again is the burning scorching of their hands and the violation and suppressing that feeling but it refuses to be suppressed. He tells me that I am safe but there is no safe place. He holds me but I can’t bear his touch it is clean it is filthy I am filthy his emotions are held in check but underneath that control there is an avalanche waiting to roar down and I cannot take it.
I shrink from his touch even as I want to be held by him.
I am compromised in so many ways.
Jim does not reach out for me, comprehension flickering in his eyes. There is grief pain anger love in that look but I still place as much distance as I can between us. There is no safe place.
I inhale deeply. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Take stock in the steady rhythm of my breathing, something I am able to regulate. Something I can order and pattern. I close my eyes and regain some semblance of the control I had lost. We sit in silence, and I try to anchor myself in-in what? Remember the goodness the pureness the shelter but there is nothing. I cannot find anything even as Jim sits near me and claims that this is a safe place.
I do not understand. I do not understand how anyone could find such pleasure in the degradation of another, I do not understand how any sentient being can enjoy screams of pain or sobs of terror. I do not understand why I endured this, I do not understand why I am still here. What kind of universe do we live in that every minute, someone somewhere suffers this same agony? What kinds of sick minds exist that these experiences are not merely a fiction, but a reality? I do not understand.
Am I supposed to take satisfaction in the fact that I never made a sound for them? What satisfaction is that, when they took everything they wanted from me. Am I supposed to take solace in the fact that I looked straight into their eyes with a pride I did not feel, with courage I did not believe in? There is nothing left of me that is clean. The mad girl told me to remember, but I cannot remember anything worth living for. Everything is tainted. Everything is smeared with the stench of rape, even love and friendship and trust. All of that is broken.
And these feelings. These emotions. The emotions I felt throughout the ordeal. The words that could never describe the despair and shame and humiliation and I don’t understand and never wanting to touch another creature again. The feeling that whatever is good and pure in this universe is nothing does not exist is helpless against the sadism indifference insanity evil torture.
Emotions.
Remember remember life love and laughter
If this is what it means to be human, I don’t want it.
Remember remember love laughter and light
If this is what it means to feel, I don’t want it.
Keep fighting keep living heart beats to remember / a reason to go in the face of the night
If this is the price I must pay to love and hope and trust, it is too high a cost. I will not, I cannot pay that price anymore. They have taken everything.
Remember remember those who so love you
I have nothing left to give.
Remember your mind and your heart and your soul
If this is what life is made of, if this is the true face of the universe, I don’t want it.
Remember the struggle the tears and the shadows-this too shall pass and soon you’ll be whole
I open my eyes, Jim is still there, looking at me.
“Spock,” he says quietly. “Bones needs to check up on you in Sickbay.”
Evil and hatred the madness of terror
I nod slightly but make no move to leave.
Agony despair the blackness of pain
I am not certain I will be able to walk all the way there.
Remember the goodness the pureness the shelter
“Come on,” Jim holds out his hand.
I look at it.
Remember the hope and his love once again
They are familiar. I know every ridge along his palms and valley between his knuckles and the deftness of his fingers and the strength of his grip. I know the line of the tendons and the paths of his arteries. His protruding wrist bone and angle of his thumb.
“Hey, it’s okay,” he says, slowly coming closer to me. “You can lean on me to get there, all right?”
Survive and suppress the fear of tomorrow
I hesitantly put my arm across his shoulder, my elbow hooked around his neck.
There is a clean place to wash all away
We make our way to the bulkheads slowly. When they open, I inhale and stiffen. People walk the corridors.
The filth and the rape and the stench of surrender
When they see us, they stop and come towards us with outstretched hands and grabbing hands fists and brass knuckles and the rush of memory. I curl into Jim his body is between them and me shielding me and I close my eyes. He holds me secure.
The vileness the dirt wash away in the rain
“Everyone,” Jim says calmly, “I appreciate your concern and desire to help, but what I really need now is for you to clear the corridors, from here to Sickbay. Someone inform Dr. McCoy that we’re on our way.”
There are several “aye sir” and “yes captain” and a few apologies “we didn’t mean to scare him.”
“Commander Spock will be fine. We’ll all get through this like we always have. Now back to duty.”
You have reason to live you have reason to love
How does he know everything will be fine? There is no safe place.
To continue to thrive to stand without shame
“Spock. Spock, they’re gone. Everything’s gonna be okay.”
Forget this place and forget all your sorrow
He loosens his hold as I open my eyes and return to my original position.
They love you they live share your burden your name
The walk to Sickbay is excruciatingly long. With each step I take, I wait for someone to jump from around a corner. Or for the vision of the Enterprise to disappear and the mad girl will be there with her bloody eyes, tearing away the vestiges of my memory.
Jim says nothing.
He’s here for you near for you yearning with anguish
He patiently waits and helps me with each step. The mountain of feeling is still there, ever looming. It will crash down and I will be buried under it and wake to find that it was my feeling that I am in that cell again with shackles.
To find you to free you to love you to claim
Irrational. Clearly I am compromised if I cannot distinguish between reality and my projected fears.
A kiss from your lips from your hands and to hold you
That is what it means to be human. I do not desire it.
I am through with emotion. Let me purge them from my very being, let me be purified.
Heart beats to remember heart beats to remain
I stumble but Jim catches me.
“I’ve got you. We’re almost there.” You’re safe he repeats and repeats.
There is no safe place.
When we reach the Sickbay, Dr. McCoy is waiting.
“Hey Spock. Have a seat here,” he points to a biobed. He takes out a tricorder and begins to take measurements but Jim is still there and I blurt out
“No.”
Leonard frowns.
I look at Jim, then look away. “No.”
Comprehension dawns on Leonard’s face, but Jim is puzzled. He quietly takes Jim aside.
“Jim, you need to leave.”
“What? Why?”
The doctor take Jim to the Sickbay storeroom and closes the door. For some minutes, I simply sit on the biobed, watching the monitors rise and fall as they steadily record my heartbeat.
Heart beats to remember heart beats to remain.
Jim and Leonard return to my side. Jim gives a glance at Dr. McCoy, who nods.
He kneels before me and reaches for my hand. I retract my hands.
“Spock,” he says, eyes searching my face. “I’ll leave, if that’s what you really want, but,” he pauses and looks at the ground. Then looks back up. “Let me stay. Let me help.
“I don’t know what you’re feeling or thinking, and I don’t pretend to know. But whatever it is you’re going through, I want to be here, with you. I don’t want to watch you deal with this shit alone.
“We’ll get through this, I promise you. We’ll get through it. You’ll heal, you’ll forget and this’ll someday be a distant memory. And I know that Vulcans don’t forget anything, so we’ll make ten thousand great memories and bury this under them.
“I love you.”
I look away.
“I’ll do anything for you. If you want me to leave, I’ll leave. If that’s what you need, I’ll do it. But please, let me stay.”
I still do not look at his face.
Jim remains before me, waves of fear and hurt radiating from him. And still that river of feeling boils underneath, waiting to cascade down. But he masters those emotions once again. My telepathy reaches out and his anger and helplessness melt away, replaced by the soft light of hope. A billion stars burning in a galaxy, hurtling through the blackness of space and giving life to darkness.
His blue eyes blaze.
“Please, let me help,” he says softly, broken.
I close my eyes. Inhale. Exhale.
Remember remember life love and laughter
Remember remember love laughter and light
Keep fighting keep living heart beats to remember
A reason to go in the face of the night.
Remember remember those who so love you
Remember your mind and your heart and your soul
Remember the struggle the tears and the shadows-
This too shall pass and soon you’ll be whole.
Evil and hatred the madness of terror
Agony despair the blackness of pain
Remember the goodness the pureness the shelter
Remember the hope and his love once again.
Survive and suppress the fear of tomorrow
There is a clean place to wash all away
The filth and the rape and the stench of surrender
The vileness the dirt wash away in the rain.
You have reason to live you have reason to love
To continue to thrive to stand without shame
Forget this place and forget all your sorrow
They love you they live share your burden your name.
He’s here for you near for you yearning with anguish
To find you to free you to love you to claim
A kiss from your lips from your hands and to hold you
Heart beats to remember heart beats to remain.
I whisper.
“Yes.”