Fic: Observations, Ch 39
“I was a wild kid. And I mean wild.”
To be, or not to be: that is the question:
“My mom and stepdad didn’t know what to do with me. They tried practically everything, sending me to counselors, psychologists, behavior modification centers, special schools for geniuses. My aptitude tests were off the charts. I also got diagnosed with ten thousand different things, most of them bullshit-autism, RAD, Rett syndrome, ADHD, various learning disabilities, bipolar, claustrophobia, to name a few. But nothing really worked. I hated being away from them more than anything, so I would behave for a while, the people would declare me ‘cured’ or whatever, and I’d get to go back home.
“And I’d go apeshit again. I couldn’t live with them, couldn’t live without them. A no-win situation,” he laughed bitterly. “Mom and Mark did the best they could by me, I realize that now. And it must have been hell for them.”
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
“Mom’d been doing off planet work for a while. When the opportunity to go to Tarsus came up, the family decided to go. Well, George was at some special science school and didn’t wanna leave, so they arranged to have him stay with his friends. He didn’t really get along with the rest of us anyway.
“I was pumped, I was absolutely thrilled that we were going into space. A new planet, somewhere I could just run free. The idea of someplace new was what really captured my imagination, and I read everything possible about Tarsus IV-its history, institutions, geography, everything. I think I was about ten or eleven or something. Ten, since the ‘car off the cliff’ thing was the straw that broke the camel’s back.”
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
“The first year was great. I had so much fun, made a bunch of friends. Met Tiff there, and she was about as crazy as me then. Mom and Mark liked the colony too and decided they were gonna stay. Mark even got some new farm equipment and installed a new computer for me. And he promised we’d begin building a new motorcycle, from scratch.”
“The second year was so-so. The weather didn’t hold up so good. We broke even, but it was a lot of hot sweaty work out in dusty fields. I didn’t mind, though. Mom and Mark needed me, gave me actual responsibilities and shit, so I didn’t have time to go around inflict mass property destruction. I still got into a hell of a lot of trouble, but nothing gigantically stupid or dangerous. It was just for fun.
“The third year, it was obvious to anyone with eyes and half a brain that we’d need help. That we weren’t gonna make it. I remember Mark getting really worried, talking with the neighbors about delays in the Federation and rumors of pirates raiding supply lines. Food was getting pretty scarce and crime went way up. Our house got raided a couple times, but Mom and Mark were pretty smart and had a couple hideaways for food.
“Then it started getting really bad. Like anarchy, people killing each other. The colony council didn’t know what to do, and that’s when Kodos took over. I remember the half relief, half worry that was in the air when news got out that his coup was successful. People wanted food. They wanted order. He promised both. There was tons of speculation that he had some secret stash that was gonna save us all or something.”
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
“I can’t remember the day he made that announcement. I think I was asleep in the barn or something. Or making out with Tiff. We had a thing for each other back then.
“When I got back to the house, Mom was crying and Mark was radiating worry, anger, all kinds of messed up emotion. I thought they had a fight, but as soon as she saw me, she grabbed onto me and started saying ‘thank god, thank god you’re alive, I thought you were dead.’ That confused and scared the shit out of me.
“Kodos had made his announcement. Mark was scrambling to find some way off the planet, but there weren’t any ships leaving. Everything was grounded,” the captain looked at us. “After everything was over, the Feds assumed that Kodos started killing people immediately after his grand statement. That wasn’t it at all-he started killing people a week after. Eight days, to be exact. Seems like he needed some time to decide who he was going to kill. The lucky fucking four thousand didn’t bother to correct the Feds.”
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
“The worst part is that practically no one protested. It’s like they accepted their lives were in a fucking lottery, and they all assumed that they’d win. And it’d suck for the other guy, but at least they’d still be alive. I think a couple people committed suicide, but at this point, people were dying off from starvation anyway. The colony fell apart. Some people even signed up to be part of Kodos’ army, since they figured that guaranteed them a spot in the breadline, which it did.
“Mark considered it, but in the end he just couldn’t. I didn’t understand it at the time-I was a kid. I thought I was an adult, being thirteen and all, but I was hungry, I wanted food, and he had the chance to get some. I was so pissed off that I couldn’t think straight.
“Kodos didn’t even do us the courtesy of announcing who was gonna die. Just one day, screams erupted in the air. These guys started killing by any means possible. There weren’t enough phasers for them all, so they had ropes, butcher’s knives, wrenches, whatever they thought would be good for killing. Some guys had heirloom hunting rifles that used real metal bullets.”
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
“I think that’s what got Mark and my Mom. I remember my ears ringing from the noise of that thing. I was sleeping when he yelled at me to run, just start running. It was night, which helped me get away. I ran-I don’t even know where I ran to. It’s is all kind of a blur for me, really. All I really remember is being scared, hungry, tired. I couldn’t sleep. I do remember this smell one night though. I thought that they were having a barbeque to celebrate or something and I was so tempted to go and sneak something.
“So I did. And when I got close, I started dry heaving. It wasn’t a fucking barbeque.”
The doctor made a noise in the back of his throat.
“They were burning the bodies. Incinerating everyone. Presumably under the orders of Kodos. He was there, overseeing it all,” the captain’s eyes were distant. “I remember wanting to die right then and there. Or thinking that this was a huge nightmare. I would wake up and Mom would be there with some pancakes and Mark would tell me to hurry up ‘cause we needed to fix the sprinklers.”
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
“I have no idea what made me keep going, but I did. If you guys were looking for some sort of ‘what makes Jim tick’ kind of revelation, there isn’t one. Shit, if you guys can figure out why I decided to keep breathing, I’d fucking love to hear it. Can’t tell you how many people have psychoanalyzed me and given me pure bullshit.
“And I don’t really remember how I managed to stay alive until the Fed ships came. I don’t even remember how long it was between the time of the executions and the time they ships came. The official file says it was three days, but I don’t really believe it. It felt a lot longer.
“Somewhere in between, I found Tiff and we stuck together. I think we hid out mostly in an abandoned grain silo and ate anything that was lying around. Another person on the run-he was older and bigger-decided he wanted to hide out where we were. There was plenty of room for three, but for some reason he had to have it all. So I killed him. Bashed his head in with my skinny little arms. He had a bunch of food stuffed in his pockets, probably stolen. I guess he didn’t wanna share.”
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
“That’s really about all there is to it. They shipped us all back to different patches of the Federation. My case manager thought-thinks-that Tarsus really messed me up because I started doing crazy shit again. Maybe it did, maybe it didn’t. I think it’s just because I was back on Earth and lost both my parents. George was still in school so there was no way he could take care of me, I didn’t really have any other living relatives. I got shuffled around different foster homes. Didn’t stay very long, mostly because I was constantly landing my ass in jail or getting into fights. I mean, my own mom could hardly stand me half the time, and Mark had inhuman patience. I don’t blame any of my foster parents for it, they were all good people.
“And by that time I kind of developed an allergy to authority of any kind. Anyone who even tried to help me, I thought they were trying to control me. A lot of it was normal teenage stuff-rebellion and all that shit, but magnified a hundred times, just ‘cause I’m me.”
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
“So that’s basically all the stuff that’s missing in the files. You guys know all about me now. Gonna declare me unfit for duty, Spock? Emotionally compromised and all that shit?”
I was still processing everything the captain had said and could not begin to take in his black humor.
“That’s not even funny, Jim,” the doctor ground out. “How you can stand there and joke about this is completely beyond me.”
“It happened. It’s over. I’m breathing. Life goes on,” he shrugged. “I don’t see the point in getting all weepy or hung up on it. Shit happens. Yeah, I happen to have a particularly shitty collection of things that’ve been dumped on me, and yeah, I don’t ever want to experience anything like that again. But I’m also in space right now, captain of a ship. I thought I was gonna end up in prison before I turned twenty, to be honest.
“Even when I got into Starfleet, I didn’t think they’d take my application into officer school. Given my less than spotless record, it was a way long shot. I lucked out ‘cause Pike managed to convince the board to look the other way and let me in. And then in officer school, I never thought I’d actually get command of a ship. I aimed for it, yeah, but the risk analysis part of the psych tests consistently scored way too high for the comfort of any admiral. I figured I’d make lieutenant commander, tops. Maybe captain after I got several years under my belt.”
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
There was silence.
“What’re you going to do about Karidian, Jim?”
“Now? I don’t really know. Talking to him, he sounded weary. Tired. Haunted. From a command perspective, I can sort of see the twisted logic of it. If I had to choose between losing the whole crew and sacrificing half-”
“Captain, you have always been able to find a third option.”
“Unbelievable. You go from wanting to kill the man and sympathizing with him,” the doctor threw up his hands.
“Not sympathizing. I don’t condone any of his actions, Bones,” the captain said in a hard tone of voice. “Getting into a person’s head and seeing his point of view doesn’t mean you agree with it. Just means that you see it.”
Pieces began to come together. Facts, observations, notes, analysis. The formation of a pattern. It gnawed in the back of my mind.
“Captain, do you truly believe yourself to be living on ‘borrowed time’?”
The captain sighed. “We all die, Spock. So in that sense we’re all living on borrowed time. It’s just a matter of how much more time we’re willing to steal.”
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
The doctor snorted. “That’s one of the more idiotic ideas I’ve heard flying out of your mouth, borrowed time and stealing time. You must be running up quite the account with the hourglass, given the number of times I’ve practically resurrected you.”
“Why’d’ya think I keep you around, Bones? My very best partner in crime,” he grinned.
“You want to know why you keep living?”
“Why?”
“’Cause it’s who you are. Somewhere, buried under a considerable mountain of bullshit, is pure, shining love for life. None of this ‘I’m on the run from the time police’ crap. You’re living because you want to live, not because you’ve eked by. I know plenty of people who would’ve just given up, caught by that siren song.”
“Bones-“
“You forget that I’m doctor. I’ve seen tons of death too, of a different kind than yours, but still death. Patients who just have no will to recover from whatever they’ve been through, or patients who have zero chance of living pulling through and getting back on their feet. You can’t save the life of a person who wants to die-any doctor’ll swear on the Bible to that fact.
“I’ve put your guts together more times than I can count. After surgery, it’s always a matter of praying to every deity I can think of that you’ll pull through, that you’ll find a reason to stay. But you know what? You don’t need a reason. You come back every time like the goddamn sun rising every day. So I’ve stopped praying. No point to it, really.”
“Hey! I might need...”
“What, prayers?”
“Nevermind.”
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.
--
"What were you thirteen years ago?"
"Younger, captain, much younger."
"Why are there no records of you?"
"Blood thins, the body fails, and one is finally grateful for a failing memory. I no longer treasure life, not even my own. I am tired! The past is a blank."
--
"What have you done? All eight? More blood on my hands? My child! My child! You've left me nothing!"
“It had to be done, father! The lies, the falsehoods, all the propaganda! They would never let you be free!”
“He murdered four thousand people, Luke!”
“I was a soldier with a cause; there were things that had to be done - terrible things!"
“Father! You having nothing to justify!”
"Murder, flight, suicide, madness-you were the one thing in life untouched by what I'd done."
--
"There's a stain of cruelty on your shining armor, captain. You could have spared him, and me. I was a tool, wasn't I? A tool to use against my father."
"In the beginning, maybe, but later... I wanted it to be more than that."
"Later! Everything's always later. Later, latest, too late! Too late, captain. You are like your ship-powerful, but not human. There is no mercy in you."
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