crossover | purimgifts ficlets
The three purimgifts treat-a-thon fics. Written for daegaer, whose requested fandoms included Good Omens, Tanakh, and who got a crossover of both. Ratings are all gen, and each fic is under 1000 words. Check tags for warnings.
Thanks to roga for the awesome late-night betas, and to lukadron for slamming out stellar art for three nights running. roga is also the one who suggested I do something in the vein of an existing fic of mine, and, well. Apparently I now have a distinct style, and it is called Biblical Vandalism.
Three times Crowley and Aziraphale came face-to-face in the Bible: one win, one loss, and one more-or-less tie.
Good Omens/Old Testament | gen | 700 words | mild | beta'd by roga. Art by lukadron. Vandalized from 1 Kings 12, KJV translation.
1 Kings 12:3-15
And Jeroboam and all the congregation of Israel came, and spake unto Rehoboam.
3 And Jeroboam and all the congregation of Israel came, and spake unto Rehoboam, saying,
4 Thy father made our yoke grievous: now therefore make thou the grievous service of thy father, and his heavy yoke which he put upon us, lighter, and we will serve thee.
5 And he said unto them, Depart yet for three days, then come again to me. And the people departed.
6 And king Rehoboam consulted with the old men, that stood before Solomon his father while he yet lived, and said, How do ye advise that I may answer this people?
7 And their leader, who was fair and just and a little pudgy about the hips, for he had a penchant for baked goods, stepped forth and lo, he shone with the wisdom of the LORD. And he shook his head of golden curls saying, If thou wilt be a servant unto this people this day, and wilt serve them, and answer them, and speak good words to them, then they will be thy servants for ever. Verily, just be nice and everything will work out.
8 But Rehoboam forsook the counsel of the old men, which they had given him, and consulted with the young men that were grown up with him, and which stood before him:
9 And he said unto them, What counsel give ye that we may answer this people, who have spoken to me, saying, Make the yoke which thy father did put upon us lighter?
10 And the leader of the young men that were grown up with him stepped forth, and all became silent, for he was beautiful to look at and drove a big chariot. And he narrowed his yellow eyes and spake unto him, saying, Thus shalt thou speak unto this people that spake unto thee, saying, Thy father made our yoke heavy, but make thou it lighter unto us; thus shalt thou say unto them, My little finger shall be thicker than my father’s loins.
And Rehoboam blinked and spake unto him, saying, When thou refers to ‘little finger’, dost thou mean my-?
Whereupon the leader of the young men smirked and answered him, saying, Oh yes.
11 But Rehoboam was not yet convinced, so the leader of the young men spake with great passion, saying, Tell them some other things, like, now whereas my father did lade you with a heavy yoke, I will add to your yoke: my father hath chastised you with whips, but I will chastise you with scorpions. And all that good stuff, yea.
Hearing thus, Rehoboam tilted his head in thought, and spake unto him, saying, Verily, that is not half bad.
And the leader of the young men threw an arm around Rehoboam’s shoulders and hissed, Trust me, yea, for they will come begging for more.
12 So Jeroboam and all the people came to Rehoboam the third day, as the king had appointed, saying, Come to me again the third day.
13 And the king answered the people roughly, and forsook the old men’s counsel that they gave him;
14 And spake to them after the counsel of the young men, saying, My father made your yoke heavy, and I will add to your yoke: my father also chastised you with whips, but I will chastise you with scorpions. My little finger shall be thicker than my father’s loins.
15 Now the people of Israel were wroth with the king, and answered him saying, What portion have we in David? neither have we inheritance in the son of Jesse: to your tents, O Israel: now see to thine own house, David, and to your own trousers, as well, for nary, your claim doth not impress us. Besides, rumour hath it that verily, thy finger is very little indeed.
So Israel departed unto their tents.
And above the clamour and the angry waving of pitchforks, the leader of the young men looked at the leader of the old men, and smirked, saying unto him: Verily, angel, I have totally won this round.
Good Omens/Old Testament | gen | 550 words | mild | beta'd by roga. Art by lukadron. Vandalized from Exodus 7, KJV translation.
Exodus 7:8-13
When Pharaoh shall speak unto you, saying, Show a miracle for you: then thou shalt say unto Aaron, Take thy rod, and cast it before Pharaoh, and it shall become a serpent.
Seven books earlier...
8 And the LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, saying,
9 When Pharaoh shall speak unto you, saying, Show a miracle for you: then thou shalt say unto Aaron, Take thy rod, and cast it before Pharaoh, and it shall become a serpent.
10 And Moses and Aaron and all their people went in unto Pharaoh, and when he spake unto them, saying, Show a miracle for you, they did so as the LORD had commanded: so it happened that one of the children of Israel stood discreetly in the corner of the room, and tried to look inconspicuous, despite being oddly not tanned for a slave. Whereupon when Aaron cast down his rod before Pharaoh, and before his servants, the man coughed politely into his hand and lo, the rod became a serpent.
And great was the wonder of the children of Israel, and even greater the wonder of Pharaoh, and of his servants as well, and the man shuffled about and tried not to preen, though he looked rather pleased with himself anyhow.
11 Then Pharaoh also called the wise men and the sorcerers: now the magicians of Egypt, they also did in like manner with their enchantments. And among the magicians was the man most favoured by Pharaoh, he was well versed in all matters of the occult, and bore a rod that was like unto a sword wreathed in flame, so powerful was it. And the man stepped forth and spake unto the children of Israel, saying, What is this miracle that you have shown for us, O children of Israel; get thee away, for thy miracles are as feeble as thy gods. Thy practices are just bad hedge-magic, yea.
12 For all the wise men and sorcerers cast down every man his rod, and they became serpents: and the wonder of the children of Israel was twofold that which it was before. But the man of Israel coughed again, politely, and lo, Aaron’s rod swallowed up all the rods of the Egyptians.
Whereupon great was the wrath of Pharaoh’s magician, and he looked upon the man of Israel with a wicked yellow eye, and spake harshly unto him, saying, What art thou doing in this place? Verily, I thought we had agreed this was my turf.
And the man of Israel did shrug, and looked dismissive and likewise apologetic, and he answered Pharaoh’s magician, saying unto him, New orders from on high, you know how it is.
And Pharaoh’s magician crossed his arms, and looked greatly put-upon.
And lo, Moses spake unto Pharaoh, and addressed him saying, Let my people go, in the name of the LORD and all His armies, that they will depart from Egypt and serve Him in the wilderness.
And Pharaoh’s magician looked upon the man of Israel and spake unto him, saying, I will not take this lying down, you know.
And the man of Israel answered, saying, I think that is rather the point, yea: ineffability and all that. At which Pharaoh’s magician did scowl.
13 And he hardened Pharaoh’s heart so that he hearkened not unto them; as the LORD had said. Thus Pharaoh did not release the children of Israel, and the man of Israel verily did sigh, and privately call Pharaoh’s magician a stubborn git.
Good Omens/Old Testament | gen | 900 words | mild | beta'd by roga. Art by lukadron. Vandalized from Ester 6, KJV translation.
Esther 6:1-5
On that night could not the king sleep, and he commanded to bring the book of records of the chronicles; and they were read before the king.
Thirty-one books later...
1 On that night could not the king sleep, and he commanded to bring the book of records of the chronicles; and they were read before the king. And came before him the two palace scribes, one light and one dark, and carried between them the book of records of the chronicles: for they had lived more than memory recalled, and were learned in all chronicles of Shushan and of the surrounding countries.
And said the dark scribe unto the king, What would his majesty desire to be read? And the king waved a hand and said unto him, Read any page which you doth happen upon. Therefore the scribes opened the book of records of the chronicles on a certain page, and read aloud.
And after a few moments the dark scribe bent his head and made good to whisper unto the light scribe, How is it that you always get to read, angel? And the light scribe didst reply in a low voice, saying, Because you hiss your sibilants, yea.
2 And it was found written, that Mordecai had told of Bigthana and Teresh, two of the king’s chamberlains, the keepers of the door, who sought to lay hand on the king Ahasuerus. And the light scribe said unto the king, Verily, thy chamberlains Bigthana and Teresh had been exceedingly wicked. And grinned the dark scribe proudly, and said, They really had been, hadn’t they? And lo, the light scribe elbowed the dark scribe in the ribs.
3 And the king said, What honour and dignity hath been done to Mordecai for this? And didst exchange a glance the dark scribe and the light scribe that ministered unto the king, and said, There is nothing done for him. And the light scribe added hopefully, Yet.
4 And the king said, Who is in the court? Now Haman was come into the outward court of the king’s house, to speak unto the king to hang Mordecai on the gallows that he had prepared for him. And wise to this were the dark scribe and the light scribe, but they said unto the king, Await, majesty, and we shall go hither to see who is in the court.
And the dark scribe and the light scribe came together in the corridor outside the chambers of the king, and whispered at one another with great urgency.
And the dark scribe said, Verily, angel, thou must let him in. And the light scribe said, Nay, upon my grave, for he desireth to kill all Jews, and I shall not allow such a thing to come about. And the dark scribe said, Oh yes, they will promote me downstairs of that one, will they not? And the light scribe kicked him in the shins a little too hard.
And said the light scribe unto the dark scribe, Listen, thou cannot do this, for thou needst to help me save the Jews. And the dark scribe made good to answer, but the light scribe cut him off once more saying, You still owe me for agreeing to the whole Bathsheba affair, yea.
And the dark scribe was silent for a long moment.
And it came about that the dark scribe and the light scribe shook hands, and said the light scribe to the dark scribe, We are sore in need of a plan. And the dark scribe replied saying, Hark, for I have an idea: I shalt summon forth Haman and say to him that the king is desirous of piling treasure atop his head, yea, whilst thou goest and convinceth the king to pile treasure atop the head of Mordecai the Jew. And it shall be like unto a comedy of errors, and great shall be Haman’s shame.
And the light scribe made good to think upon this, and said unto him, Are you sure this will work?
And the dark scribe didst grin widely, saying unto him, Trust me, this shalt be one for the books.
5 And the light scribe and the dark scribe entered the king’s chambers once more, and said unto him, Behold, Haman standeth in the court. And the king said, Let him come in. And the dark scribe exited hither to fetch Haman, whilst the light scribe stayed in the chambers of the king, and couldst be heard saying unto him, Your majesty, regarding the matter of Mordecai the Jew...
Two chapters later...
9 Then were the king’s scribes called at that time in the third month, that is, the month Sivan, on the three and twentieth day thereof; and it was written according to all that Mordecai commanded unto the Jews, and to the lieutenants, and the deputies and rulers of the provinces which are from India unto Ethiopia, an hundred twenty and seven provinces, unto every province according to the writing thereof, and unto every people after their language, and to the Jews according to their writing, and according to their language.
14 So the posts that rode upon mules and camels went out, being hastened and pressed on by the king’s commandment. And the decree was given at Shushan the palace.
16 The Jews had light, and gladness, and joy, and honour.
All characters © their respective owners; I claim no right nor profit.
Thanks to roga for the awesome late-night betas, and to lukadron for slamming out stellar art for three nights running. roga is also the one who suggested I do something in the vein of an existing fic of mine, and, well. Apparently I now have a distinct style, and it is called Biblical Vandalism.
Three times Crowley and Aziraphale came face-to-face in the Bible: one win, one loss, and one more-or-less tie.
Good Omens/Old Testament | gen | 700 words | mild | beta'd by roga. Art by lukadron. Vandalized from 1 Kings 12, KJV translation.
1 Kings 12:3-15
And Jeroboam and all the congregation of Israel came, and spake unto Rehoboam.
3 And Jeroboam and all the congregation of Israel came, and spake unto Rehoboam, saying,
4 Thy father made our yoke grievous: now therefore make thou the grievous service of thy father, and his heavy yoke which he put upon us, lighter, and we will serve thee.
5 And he said unto them, Depart yet for three days, then come again to me. And the people departed.
6 And king Rehoboam consulted with the old men, that stood before Solomon his father while he yet lived, and said, How do ye advise that I may answer this people?
7 And their leader, who was fair and just and a little pudgy about the hips, for he had a penchant for baked goods, stepped forth and lo, he shone with the wisdom of the LORD. And he shook his head of golden curls saying, If thou wilt be a servant unto this people this day, and wilt serve them, and answer them, and speak good words to them, then they will be thy servants for ever. Verily, just be nice and everything will work out.
8 But Rehoboam forsook the counsel of the old men, which they had given him, and consulted with the young men that were grown up with him, and which stood before him:
9 And he said unto them, What counsel give ye that we may answer this people, who have spoken to me, saying, Make the yoke which thy father did put upon us lighter?
10 And the leader of the young men that were grown up with him stepped forth, and all became silent, for he was beautiful to look at and drove a big chariot. And he narrowed his yellow eyes and spake unto him, saying, Thus shalt thou speak unto this people that spake unto thee, saying, Thy father made our yoke heavy, but make thou it lighter unto us; thus shalt thou say unto them, My little finger shall be thicker than my father’s loins.
And Rehoboam blinked and spake unto him, saying, When thou refers to ‘little finger’, dost thou mean my-?
Whereupon the leader of the young men smirked and answered him, saying, Oh yes.
11 But Rehoboam was not yet convinced, so the leader of the young men spake with great passion, saying, Tell them some other things, like, now whereas my father did lade you with a heavy yoke, I will add to your yoke: my father hath chastised you with whips, but I will chastise you with scorpions. And all that good stuff, yea.
Hearing thus, Rehoboam tilted his head in thought, and spake unto him, saying, Verily, that is not half bad.
And the leader of the young men threw an arm around Rehoboam’s shoulders and hissed, Trust me, yea, for they will come begging for more.
12 So Jeroboam and all the people came to Rehoboam the third day, as the king had appointed, saying, Come to me again the third day.
13 And the king answered the people roughly, and forsook the old men’s counsel that they gave him;
14 And spake to them after the counsel of the young men, saying, My father made your yoke heavy, and I will add to your yoke: my father also chastised you with whips, but I will chastise you with scorpions. My little finger shall be thicker than my father’s loins.
15 Now the people of Israel were wroth with the king, and answered him saying, What portion have we in David? neither have we inheritance in the son of Jesse: to your tents, O Israel: now see to thine own house, David, and to your own trousers, as well, for nary, your claim doth not impress us. Besides, rumour hath it that verily, thy finger is very little indeed.
So Israel departed unto their tents.
And above the clamour and the angry waving of pitchforks, the leader of the young men looked at the leader of the old men, and smirked, saying unto him: Verily, angel, I have totally won this round.
Good Omens/Old Testament | gen | 550 words | mild | beta'd by roga. Art by lukadron. Vandalized from Exodus 7, KJV translation.
Exodus 7:8-13
When Pharaoh shall speak unto you, saying, Show a miracle for you: then thou shalt say unto Aaron, Take thy rod, and cast it before Pharaoh, and it shall become a serpent.
Seven books earlier...
8 And the LORD spake unto Moses and unto Aaron, saying,
9 When Pharaoh shall speak unto you, saying, Show a miracle for you: then thou shalt say unto Aaron, Take thy rod, and cast it before Pharaoh, and it shall become a serpent.
10 And Moses and Aaron and all their people went in unto Pharaoh, and when he spake unto them, saying, Show a miracle for you, they did so as the LORD had commanded: so it happened that one of the children of Israel stood discreetly in the corner of the room, and tried to look inconspicuous, despite being oddly not tanned for a slave. Whereupon when Aaron cast down his rod before Pharaoh, and before his servants, the man coughed politely into his hand and lo, the rod became a serpent.
And great was the wonder of the children of Israel, and even greater the wonder of Pharaoh, and of his servants as well, and the man shuffled about and tried not to preen, though he looked rather pleased with himself anyhow.
11 Then Pharaoh also called the wise men and the sorcerers: now the magicians of Egypt, they also did in like manner with their enchantments. And among the magicians was the man most favoured by Pharaoh, he was well versed in all matters of the occult, and bore a rod that was like unto a sword wreathed in flame, so powerful was it. And the man stepped forth and spake unto the children of Israel, saying, What is this miracle that you have shown for us, O children of Israel; get thee away, for thy miracles are as feeble as thy gods. Thy practices are just bad hedge-magic, yea.
12 For all the wise men and sorcerers cast down every man his rod, and they became serpents: and the wonder of the children of Israel was twofold that which it was before. But the man of Israel coughed again, politely, and lo, Aaron’s rod swallowed up all the rods of the Egyptians.
Whereupon great was the wrath of Pharaoh’s magician, and he looked upon the man of Israel with a wicked yellow eye, and spake harshly unto him, saying, What art thou doing in this place? Verily, I thought we had agreed this was my turf.
And the man of Israel did shrug, and looked dismissive and likewise apologetic, and he answered Pharaoh’s magician, saying unto him, New orders from on high, you know how it is.
And Pharaoh’s magician crossed his arms, and looked greatly put-upon.
And lo, Moses spake unto Pharaoh, and addressed him saying, Let my people go, in the name of the LORD and all His armies, that they will depart from Egypt and serve Him in the wilderness.
And Pharaoh’s magician looked upon the man of Israel and spake unto him, saying, I will not take this lying down, you know.
And the man of Israel answered, saying, I think that is rather the point, yea: ineffability and all that. At which Pharaoh’s magician did scowl.
13 And he hardened Pharaoh’s heart so that he hearkened not unto them; as the LORD had said. Thus Pharaoh did not release the children of Israel, and the man of Israel verily did sigh, and privately call Pharaoh’s magician a stubborn git.
Good Omens/Old Testament | gen | 900 words | mild | beta'd by roga. Art by lukadron. Vandalized from Ester 6, KJV translation.
Esther 6:1-5
On that night could not the king sleep, and he commanded to bring the book of records of the chronicles; and they were read before the king.
Thirty-one books later...
1 On that night could not the king sleep, and he commanded to bring the book of records of the chronicles; and they were read before the king. And came before him the two palace scribes, one light and one dark, and carried between them the book of records of the chronicles: for they had lived more than memory recalled, and were learned in all chronicles of Shushan and of the surrounding countries.
And said the dark scribe unto the king, What would his majesty desire to be read? And the king waved a hand and said unto him, Read any page which you doth happen upon. Therefore the scribes opened the book of records of the chronicles on a certain page, and read aloud.
And after a few moments the dark scribe bent his head and made good to whisper unto the light scribe, How is it that you always get to read, angel? And the light scribe didst reply in a low voice, saying, Because you hiss your sibilants, yea.
2 And it was found written, that Mordecai had told of Bigthana and Teresh, two of the king’s chamberlains, the keepers of the door, who sought to lay hand on the king Ahasuerus. And the light scribe said unto the king, Verily, thy chamberlains Bigthana and Teresh had been exceedingly wicked. And grinned the dark scribe proudly, and said, They really had been, hadn’t they? And lo, the light scribe elbowed the dark scribe in the ribs.
3 And the king said, What honour and dignity hath been done to Mordecai for this? And didst exchange a glance the dark scribe and the light scribe that ministered unto the king, and said, There is nothing done for him. And the light scribe added hopefully, Yet.
4 And the king said, Who is in the court? Now Haman was come into the outward court of the king’s house, to speak unto the king to hang Mordecai on the gallows that he had prepared for him. And wise to this were the dark scribe and the light scribe, but they said unto the king, Await, majesty, and we shall go hither to see who is in the court.
And the dark scribe and the light scribe came together in the corridor outside the chambers of the king, and whispered at one another with great urgency.
And the dark scribe said, Verily, angel, thou must let him in. And the light scribe said, Nay, upon my grave, for he desireth to kill all Jews, and I shall not allow such a thing to come about. And the dark scribe said, Oh yes, they will promote me downstairs of that one, will they not? And the light scribe kicked him in the shins a little too hard.
And said the light scribe unto the dark scribe, Listen, thou cannot do this, for thou needst to help me save the Jews. And the dark scribe made good to answer, but the light scribe cut him off once more saying, You still owe me for agreeing to the whole Bathsheba affair, yea.
And the dark scribe was silent for a long moment.
And it came about that the dark scribe and the light scribe shook hands, and said the light scribe to the dark scribe, We are sore in need of a plan. And the dark scribe replied saying, Hark, for I have an idea: I shalt summon forth Haman and say to him that the king is desirous of piling treasure atop his head, yea, whilst thou goest and convinceth the king to pile treasure atop the head of Mordecai the Jew. And it shall be like unto a comedy of errors, and great shall be Haman’s shame.
And the light scribe made good to think upon this, and said unto him, Are you sure this will work?
And the dark scribe didst grin widely, saying unto him, Trust me, this shalt be one for the books.
5 And the light scribe and the dark scribe entered the king’s chambers once more, and said unto him, Behold, Haman standeth in the court. And the king said, Let him come in. And the dark scribe exited hither to fetch Haman, whilst the light scribe stayed in the chambers of the king, and couldst be heard saying unto him, Your majesty, regarding the matter of Mordecai the Jew...
Two chapters later...
9 Then were the king’s scribes called at that time in the third month, that is, the month Sivan, on the three and twentieth day thereof; and it was written according to all that Mordecai commanded unto the Jews, and to the lieutenants, and the deputies and rulers of the provinces which are from India unto Ethiopia, an hundred twenty and seven provinces, unto every province according to the writing thereof, and unto every people after their language, and to the Jews according to their writing, and according to their language.
14 So the posts that rode upon mules and camels went out, being hastened and pressed on by the king’s commandment. And the decree was given at Shushan the palace.
16 The Jews had light, and gladness, and joy, and honour.
All characters © their respective owners; I claim no right nor profit.