Holiday Fic! Sort of.
Please, God, Let it Be April Fool’s
Wherein Jack is shocked, Sam is pissed, Thor has ulterior motives, and SG-1 risk life and limb.
“You slept with Thor?!”
Sam cringed and uselessly gestured for Jack to lower his voice. She wasn’t sure the SGC briefing room was really the best place for this conversation, but Jack had the file in his hand and of all the reports in the universe, who the hell thought he would read that particular one so quickly?
“I didn’t mean to,” Sam said.
That declaration had Jack stupefied into silence, but Sam didn’t kid herself that it would last. She could practically see pressure building just next to his left eye where a vein bulged under his skin.
“What, you just tripped and accidentally had sex with him?”
Oh, yeah. He’d bellowed from the diaphragm that time. Sam could practically see the glass rattle.
“Look,” Sam said, jabbing a finger at Jack’s chest. “He was on the ship showing me how the Asgard computer core worked. We were saying goodbye and I just…I hugged him, for God’s sake. A HUG. And next thing I know, I’m pregnant. So don’t think you’re the only one put out by this, Jack O’Neill!”
She took one last jab at Jack’s chest and he collapsed back into a chair.
“Pregnant?” he echoed weakly.
Oh, shit. Apparently he hadn’t read the whole report. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound, right? “With twins.”
“I think I need to sit down,” he groaned.
“You are sitting down.”
“I swear to God, if this is some elaborate prank…”
“I wish,” Sam said fervently. What the hell would an Asgard-human baby even look like?
The remainder of SG-1 chose that moment to enter the briefing room, undoubtedly deciding that the relative quiet of the room meant Jack’s temper tantrum had subsided.
Daniel fairly flounced into the room, hands in his pockets, wide grin on his face. He looked at Jack’s pale face and said, “So, I guess Sam’s told you all about her new role as the savior of the Asgard race?”
Jack’s mouth popped open, gaping rather unattractively before snapping shut again.
“Personally, I think the General is just jealous,” Vala said, leaning on the back of his chair. “Daniel always did say he had a special relationship with Thor, right?”
Jack’s face was beginning to turn a particular shade of crimson that Sam hadn’t seen in years. It would be kind of funny, if not for the fact that she was currently pregnant with alien spawn.
Oh, God. Sam collapsed back into the empty chair next to Jack. He still looked like he was waiting for someone to yell “April Fool’s!” She knew the feeling.
“If the Asgard are no longer dying, do we still get to keep their stuff?” Cam asked.
Sam looked up in alarm. Oh, there was no way in hell. She had better get at least a frickin’ fleet of ships for her trouble.
“Don’t worry, Sam,” Daniel said, patting her on the shoulder. “Thor doesn’t seem the deadbeat daddy type.”
Sam lowered her head to the table, beating her fists against the surface. “Someone kill me, please.”
Vala hopped up on the table next to her. “Have you given any thought to names yet?”
Sam turned her head towards Jack. “I’m running away from home,” she informed him. “Wanna come with?”
His eyes latched on to her, still a little wide with shock. Eventually he nodded, seeming to think it was a really good idea. “We’ll need a ship.”
“Luckily I know someone who owes us a huge favor,” she said, pushing to her feet. She figured they could leave right away. No time like the present, right?
The only question remaining was whether or not to leave the rest of SG-1 alive when they went. Currently Daniel and Teal’c were discussing getting their hands on some cigars, while Cam and Vala debated baby names. Honestly, Sam was wavering.
Maybe it really was never too late to turn to a life of crime.
“Just to be clear,” Jack said as he pulled her out into the hallway, “I don’t care if he is only three feet tall, I’m still kicking Thor’s little grey ass.”
Sam sighed, one hand pressing to her stomach. “Get in line.”
* * *
Meanwhile, in a seedy bar far, far, far from Earth…
In a flash of pure white light, Thor appeared in a crowded but lowly lit room.
“Hey, Thor,” a few voices called out, glasses raised here and there in greeting.
Thor nodded absently as he passed, making a beeline for the large glowing board at the center of the room. The display was covered with various wagers of interest to the Four Great Races, everything from the philosophical to the speculative to the admittedly mundane. Even Great Races needed entertainment after all.
Touching the screen, Thor punched in a few commands and a picture of Samantha Carter appeared next to his name.
The room fell silent.
“No way!” someone called out.
Thor turned to the crowd with nothing less than what would be called a shit-eating grin on Earth. “Pay up, bitches.”
Wherein Jack is shocked, Sam is pissed, Thor has ulterior motives, and SG-1 risk life and limb.
“You slept with Thor?!”
Sam cringed and uselessly gestured for Jack to lower his voice. She wasn’t sure the SGC briefing room was really the best place for this conversation, but Jack had the file in his hand and of all the reports in the universe, who the hell thought he would read that particular one so quickly?
“I didn’t mean to,” Sam said.
That declaration had Jack stupefied into silence, but Sam didn’t kid herself that it would last. She could practically see pressure building just next to his left eye where a vein bulged under his skin.
“What, you just tripped and accidentally had sex with him?”
Oh, yeah. He’d bellowed from the diaphragm that time. Sam could practically see the glass rattle.
“Look,” Sam said, jabbing a finger at Jack’s chest. “He was on the ship showing me how the Asgard computer core worked. We were saying goodbye and I just…I hugged him, for God’s sake. A HUG. And next thing I know, I’m pregnant. So don’t think you’re the only one put out by this, Jack O’Neill!”
She took one last jab at Jack’s chest and he collapsed back into a chair.
“Pregnant?” he echoed weakly.
Oh, shit. Apparently he hadn’t read the whole report. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound, right? “With twins.”
“I think I need to sit down,” he groaned.
“You are sitting down.”
“I swear to God, if this is some elaborate prank…”
“I wish,” Sam said fervently. What the hell would an Asgard-human baby even look like?
The remainder of SG-1 chose that moment to enter the briefing room, undoubtedly deciding that the relative quiet of the room meant Jack’s temper tantrum had subsided.
Daniel fairly flounced into the room, hands in his pockets, wide grin on his face. He looked at Jack’s pale face and said, “So, I guess Sam’s told you all about her new role as the savior of the Asgard race?”
Jack’s mouth popped open, gaping rather unattractively before snapping shut again.
“Personally, I think the General is just jealous,” Vala said, leaning on the back of his chair. “Daniel always did say he had a special relationship with Thor, right?”
Jack’s face was beginning to turn a particular shade of crimson that Sam hadn’t seen in years. It would be kind of funny, if not for the fact that she was currently pregnant with alien spawn.
Oh, God. Sam collapsed back into the empty chair next to Jack. He still looked like he was waiting for someone to yell “April Fool’s!” She knew the feeling.
“If the Asgard are no longer dying, do we still get to keep their stuff?” Cam asked.
Sam looked up in alarm. Oh, there was no way in hell. She had better get at least a frickin’ fleet of ships for her trouble.
“Don’t worry, Sam,” Daniel said, patting her on the shoulder. “Thor doesn’t seem the deadbeat daddy type.”
Sam lowered her head to the table, beating her fists against the surface. “Someone kill me, please.”
Vala hopped up on the table next to her. “Have you given any thought to names yet?”
Sam turned her head towards Jack. “I’m running away from home,” she informed him. “Wanna come with?”
His eyes latched on to her, still a little wide with shock. Eventually he nodded, seeming to think it was a really good idea. “We’ll need a ship.”
“Luckily I know someone who owes us a huge favor,” she said, pushing to her feet. She figured they could leave right away. No time like the present, right?
The only question remaining was whether or not to leave the rest of SG-1 alive when they went. Currently Daniel and Teal’c were discussing getting their hands on some cigars, while Cam and Vala debated baby names. Honestly, Sam was wavering.
Maybe it really was never too late to turn to a life of crime.
“Just to be clear,” Jack said as he pulled her out into the hallway, “I don’t care if he is only three feet tall, I’m still kicking Thor’s little grey ass.”
Sam sighed, one hand pressing to her stomach. “Get in line.”
* * *
Meanwhile, in a seedy bar far, far, far from Earth…
In a flash of pure white light, Thor appeared in a crowded but lowly lit room.
“Hey, Thor,” a few voices called out, glasses raised here and there in greeting.
Thor nodded absently as he passed, making a beeline for the large glowing board at the center of the room. The display was covered with various wagers of interest to the Four Great Races, everything from the philosophical to the speculative to the admittedly mundane. Even Great Races needed entertainment after all.
Touching the screen, Thor punched in a few commands and a picture of Samantha Carter appeared next to his name.
The room fell silent.
“No way!” someone called out.
Thor turned to the crowd with nothing less than what would be called a shit-eating grin on Earth. “Pay up, bitches.”