FIC: There's No Success Like Failure
Title: There's No Success Like Failure
Fandom: Naruto
Pairing: KakaIru
Chapter: One-shot
Rating: PG
Summary: Kakashi fails his mission and Iruka gets a strange report
Disclaimer: I don't own
Iruka had read many strange mission reports in his days. In theory it was great idea that all missions should be carefully documented and filed away, but the one who first thought of it had not considered the fact that it might be too much to ask from most shinobi that they, after coming home exhausted from a mission should sit down and relive the whole damn thing again by writing about it.
Maybe it was therapeutic and maybe it helped you see what mistakes you’d made and how to avoid them, but that did not make up for the fact that it was, to put it simply, boring as hell. Therefore a majority of the reports were short and hastily written, with a few exceptions.
Gai’s, for instance, were always very enthusiastic and contained long, incomprehensible explanations of battle plans that would probably have been impossible for anyone else to pull off, while others, no names mentioned, thought it was more interesting to retell in detail what had happened in bushes and hotel rooms on the nights of their long journeys.
One of the few people who actually handed in proper reports, even though they were always late, was Kakashi. The one he’d left today was no exception; it was well structured, neatly written and only a little wrinkled from having been carried in the pocket. No, at first glance it didn’t look like anything out of the ordinary, but Kakashi had seemed strangely nervous when he’d left it. Instead of smiling and staying to talk for a while, as he usually did nowadays, he’d just tossed it onto the desk and left before Iruka could even say hello.
It was true that he had been acting kind of odd lately, and Iruka had in fact been less than happy with him the other day, but Iruka wasn’t one to hold grudges and Kakashi seldom seemed to care what other people said to him. So there should be no problem. Yet, here the Copy-nin was, not even looking at him as he left the paper.
Slightly bewildered, Iruka looked at the heading, almost falling off his chair as he did so. Quickly regaining his composure, so as not to attract the attention of his co-workers, he opened the report and began to read.
Mission: Ask Iruka Umino out for a date
Executed by: Kakashi Hatake
Client: Kakashi Hatake of Konoha Village
Rank: S
Injuries: Moderate loss of blood, hurt pride
Result: Failed
Execution: The mission was executed in accordance with the Four Step Method and took a full three months and fourteen days.
Step 1- Information Gathering
By observing the target from a distance, information on his routines and behaviour-patterns can be obtained. At researching the target’s assets the suspicions that he is unusually well armed are confirmed. Forced to retreat due to loss of blood. The target suspects nothing.
Step 2- Infiltration
With help from the intelligence gained during Step One an extensive operation to become a part of the target’s daily life can be launched. This includes casual conversing and joined lunches, often in the company of the target’s protegé. While the target is still oblivious to the true nature of the mission, said protegé becomes suspicious at one point and causes a scene, forcing a hasty withdrawal.
Step 3- Stealth Attack
An attempt to slip the target a note is made, but fails due to imprudence. The idiot dog sent to deliver the message forgets to wipe the mud off his paws before entering the target’s apartment and is chased out of there without opportunity to leave the letter and flowers.
Step 4- Direct Assault
As a final step several attempts at directly confronting the target are made, the last one ending with a retreat followed by a promise from the target that “If I ever see you or that book in my classroom again I will personally have you decapitated”.
Conclusion: The mission was failed, but might be resumed after some time of rest and rebuilding of strength. During meantime, more research will be done according to Step One.
Iruka put down the report, feeling extremely stupid. So that was what this had all been about. Well, it explained a lot. ‘Did I really say I was going to decapitate him?’ he thought, looking at the paper again. ‘Maybe that was a little harsh…’
“So he finally found a way of doing it?”
Iruka was torn out of his contemplation by Izumo, who had been reading the report over his shoulder and was now looking gleefully at him.
“Finally?”
“Seriously,” his co-worker rolled his eyes, “you must be the slowest person I’ve ever met.”
“What?” asked Iruka, irritated. Why did he act like it had been all obvious?
“The man’s been hanging after you for months. At first we thought you were playing hard to get, but then we realised you were just dense.”
“Who are ‘we’?”
Izumo shrugged.
“Everyone. So, what are you going to do now?”
Iruka looked at the report again.
“I guess I’ll have to ask him out… I mean, he did go through a lot of trouble.”
“Good, I’ll fill in for you here, he can’t have gotten that far.”
“What, you mean now?!” The teacher protested as Izumo pushed him out of his chair.
“Of course, or are you going to let it take three months as well?”
“No, I’m not.” Iruka took a deep breath and left the room, the paper still clutched in his hand.
Of all the strange mission reports he had read, this had to be the strangest. But as he stepped out on the street caught sight of Kakashi’s silvery head a bit further down, he had a feeling that it might also be the best.