more, I prithee, more; I can suck melancholy out of a song as a weasel sucks eggs
Thanks to the immense popularity of The Things I Will Not Do When I Direct a Shakespeare Production, On Stage or Film, we've hit the character limit for an LJ entry! (It cuts off in the middle of #360.) The number of contributions is tapering off now, but in order to catch any others that come in:
360. I will not attempt to place The Tempest during the American Civil War, with Prospero as a usurped plantation owner and everyone else as Confederate and Union soldiers. (tyraarane)
361. Similarly, substituting voodoo for Prospero's enchantments is a no-no. (tyraarane)
362. Also, I will not portray Caliban as a Crocodile Dundee wanna-be. (tyraarane)
363. I will not present rational explanations for supernatural events in the play (e.g. presenting Margery Jourdain and the conjurers in 2 Henry VI as frauds) if the plot requires them to be taken as genuine, if misleading.
364. Try to cast a Lucentio that's a bit bolder than the woman playing Bianca. It kinda loses the effect of the relationship if Lucentio's scratching his head and mumbling while Bianca's shamelessly flirting with him. (wingedmoocow)
365. If my set must be constructed of cardboard and plywood, I will try to make it at least look like it's not cheap plywood, particularly in 1.3 of Richard II. (anakamwaystar)
366. I will not allow Ophelia to pass out real sprigs of herbs to Hamlet if Hamlet has not been previously tested for allergies. (northernminx)
367. I will make certain that the final deaths in Hamlet occur at the side or rear of the stage so as not to trip Hamlet in his final death scene. Falling flat on one's face is not dramatic unless planned. (northernminx)
368. I will ensure that Mercutio is played as he is actually written, i.e. confident, witty, skillful, and dangerous. Mercutio is emphatically not a pimp, a drug addict, a standup comedian, or a sufferer of Tourette's Syndrome. (fightguy)
369. If I choreograph Prince Hal killing Percy Hotspur by drawing his sword across Hotspur’s abdomen in a manner that looks like it would certainly lead to disembowelment, Hotspur will die lying on his side, facing upstage. I will certainly not direct Hotspur to die lying spread-eagled on his back, exposing his pristine and undamaged midriff to the clear view of the audience. (fightguy)
370. Likewise, Hotspur will not be wearing a full, shiny breastplate, which not only would make the aforementioned draw-cut ridiculous, but will also draw painful attention to the heaving chest of the "corpse" as the actor tries to get his breath back from the fight. (fightguy)
371. Characters who are repeatedly referred to in the text as being fat, such as Falstaff or Toby Belch, will actually be fat. If a portly actor is not cast in the role, convincing padding will be used. (fightguy)
372. I will not decide that the entire production will take place in the nude simply because I quite fancy the actress I've cast as Lady Macbeth. (infinitarian)
373. I will not cast an actual thirteen-year-old as Juliet, unless I am reasonably certain that she can convincingly portray lust and grief without giggling. (infinitarian)
374. During Petruchio's speeches, I will not have an old woman sitting in a rocking chair at the back of the stage who blows a whistle when he says "my mother" and rings a bell when he says "my father." (flynngrrl)
375. I will also try not to use outrageous southern accents in plays set in Italy. "He's coming from Messina" should not become, if you set the play in the south, "He's a-comin' from Messina." (flynngrrl)
376. I will not cast vaguely similar roles as the same role with the same defining characteristics. I will particularly not have Juliet and Miranda both dress as schoolgirls, play with toys, and generally act as children throughout the production, especially if different actresses play the different roles. Students who watch both plays will notice and draw their own conclusions about my sexual proclivities, and it serves me right for not having more imagination. (katfeete)
377. I will not put actors on trapezes. Cirque de Soleil is one thing and Shakespeare is another, and when the twain meet both suffer. (katfeete)
378. I will remember that the rustics are a subplot in Dream and that if Puck has more lines than anyone else in the play there is probably a reason. Therefore, I will not rush Puck offstage to make room for Bottom. (katfeete)
379. On a related note, I will not decide that only the funny lines in a play need convincing delivery. I will not decide that cheap tricks will distract my audience from the poor delivery of rhyme and pentameter (like, say, actors on trapezes). (katfeete)
380. I will not allow props to fall on the audience. (katfeete)
381. All decisions about set, period, and costume are meaningful. All deviations from the main set, period, or costume design require a good reason. I will not convince myself that "It looks cool" is a good reason. (katfeete)
382. I will not bring live animals on stage. They distract the audience, particularly when they do amusing things to the leading lady's costume. (katfeete)
383. I will not forget that, much as I would wish to believe my audience is sophisticated, mature, and capable of deciphering subtle sociopolitical commentary, quite a lot of Shakespeare is performed in front of bored high school classes. As such I will lay off on the sexual innuendo. The little brats are quite capable of laughing through Juliet's death scene otherwise. (katfeete)
384. I will not allow the background music to drown out the actors, even if it requires strangling the sound crew. (katfeete)
385. The soothsayer should not be a raving lunatic. Nor should she appear as a mute specter, on the fields of Phillipi or elsewhere, as a grim portent. (stevendj)
386. Lights should not flash to signify a disordered night, nor should sound effects add needless authority to ominous words. (stevendj)
387. Caesar should not stagger from conspirator to conspirator, lurching across the stage, to give each of them a chance to stab him. (stevendj)
388. It is not necessary to translate "Et tu, Brutus". (stevendj)
389. When bathing their hands in Caesar's blood, the conspirators should not arise with what appears to be red yarn dangling from their fingers. (stevendj)
390. Read item [389] again. Commit it to memory, in case you ever find yourself directing "Julius Caesar": this looks really stupid. (stevendj)
391. The common people at Caesar's funeral should not wear masks. It looks dumb. (stevendj)
392. When Mark Antony sweeps Caesar's burial shroud away, Caesar's body ought to be revealed. A metallic effigy is not an acceptable substitute. (stevendj)
393. The ghost of Caesar should be awesome and terrible, not so quietly inconspicuous that he can nearly cross the stage before you notice him. (stevendj)
394. Swords that have been thrust into bodies should not be conspicuously unstained. Brandishing a brightly polished sword while the supposedly wounded man staggers and falls looks really, really fake. (stevendj)
395. Stage makeup can do many things. Transforming a 20-year-old college student into a convincing Lear is not one of them. I will either cast an old man or choose a different play. (cumaeansibyl)
396. I will not have my weird sisters hump each other. (cumaeansibyl)
397. When staging Macbeth in medieval Scotland, I will not use didgeridoo-and-synthesizer-laden "world music" to provide atmosphere. There's a reason God gave us bagpipes. (cumaeansibyl)
398. I will not ask the college scene shop to make swords for me, because the swords will be very sad. (cumaeansibyl)
399. I will not cast a truly fine, sensitive actor for Falstaff for 1 Henry IV, and, when that actor decides not to return for Part 2, cast someone who doesn't understand the lines and tries for slapstick. (dakiwiboid)
400. I will not show the little princes in the tower in the background as Richard plots their murder... Most of all, I will not show them playing Nintendo. (beckyzoole)
401. If I am determined to do a "period" production of Shakespeare, I will employ set pieces beyond plain black boxes. (chaiya)
402. In a "period" performance of Shakespeare, I will not use patently modern music over the speaker system. There's plenty of old music available on CD these days, if a live musician isn't around. (chaiya)
403. If I must put Twelfth Night in a circus setting, I will not decide that Olivia, as the trapeze artist, should decend from the ceiling. Nor will I clothe her in only spandex and tinsel. The actress will both fear for her life and hate me. This is a bad combination. (chaiya)
404. If I have to ask myself whether I'm costuming someone in a particular article of clothing because I think it's appropriate to the character or because I want to see the actor in that state of undress, it's time to question my motives and get a third-party opinion. (chaiya)
405. If I cast my lover in a significant role and the entire rest of the cast complains about how wooden she is to work with, I will consider recasting either the role or the girlfriend. Both might be required. (chaiya)
406. If I must do a version of Macbeth with a Star Wars motif (and the thing is infinitely possible), I will make my Darth Vader comprehensibly relate his lines to the audience. (chaiya)
407. If Macduff's young son makes the cast giggle every time he cries, "He has killed me, mother!" I will cut the line appropriately. (chaiya)
408.I will not cast the oldest woman in the show as Juliet (or any other young lover), no matter how talented she may be. (chaiya)
409. I will carefully consider before casting both members of teenaged couples as part of an onstage couple in any show, either as lovers to each other or as lovers to someone else. Jealousy is a powerful motivator if casting them opposite someone else, and with teen love, there is a strong chance that the couple will break up before the rehearsing is completed. (chaiya)
410. I will not allow set changes in any production to take longer than the actual play. (chaiya)
411. If I have two actors with extremely different levels of acting talent, I will not cast them such that they are always in the same scenes, especially if they're often the only ones on stage. It's rude to both actors. (chaiya)
412. I will not take hallucenogenic drugs when reading a script, compelling me to cast five Kates in Taming of the Shrew. (aneli8)
413. When directing Anthony and Cleopatra, I will make sure that the actor playing Anthony does not have an erection during his death scene. (aneli8) [Well, it is in character for Antony -- ed.]
414. I will also never use ACTUAL snakes. Ever. (aneli8)
415. When setting a show in the disco-era, I will not allow my actors to wear high heels on a plexi-glass dance floor. It WILL break, and the techies WILL hurt someone. (aneli8)
416. When putting on a production of The Merchant of Venice, I will not force Shylock to have a 'Jewish accent' in order to make it 'more realistic'. (aneli8)
417. I will never hire a lighting designer whose main priority is watching the Red Sox game, a week before the show goes up. (aneli8)
418. I will use great discretion in casting competition fencers in roles calling for sword-play. If I do cast them, any tendancy to treat the question of who dies when as an issue still in doubt, or to draw out the battles excessively, will be sat upon firmly, starting at first rehearsal. (commodorified)
419. If doing a high school production with 11 to 14 year olds I will not leave them in charge of set production. (txt_eva)
420. I will put a 16/17 year old in charge and leave her to it, you know that one person focused on stage managing will be better than the all-in-one director/teacher/producer/set designer/costume designer. (txt_eva)
421. If the stage manager says she is tall enough to lift down the backdrops 4x4 plank of, I will listen, especially if she had done it all rehearsals, I will not therefore ask two tall 15 years old to do it on the day, especially if they don't know how and the said 4x4 block falls on stage managers head knocking her out. (txt_eva)
422. I will make sure that the play I am directing causes some reaction to the audiece that is better than the dramatic thud of the stage manager falling to the floor... it is a sign of a bad play! (txt_eva)
423. I will ask that stagehands remain "hidden" not in bright yellow and pink t-shirts. (txt_eva)
424. I will make sure that the actors are not allergic to/prone to choking on stage smoke before using in a production. (txt_eva)
425. I will make sure my actors have some sense of the stage and that they would take three dramatic steps back, only to fall backwards out of the open fire doors, especially when stage is 3 foot higher than doors. (txt_eva)
426. If numbers are an important part to the play (eg Monty Python Bed Sketch) then I will make sure my actors stick the numbers correctly, or make sure the others are good at mental arithmetic. (50 divided by 3 is not easy to do in ones head, on stage) (txt_eva)
I'll continue to edit as necessary if more come in, though I realize my fifteen minutes of LJ fame are almost up... ;)
360. I will not attempt to place The Tempest during the American Civil War, with Prospero as a usurped plantation owner and everyone else as Confederate and Union soldiers. (tyraarane)
361. Similarly, substituting voodoo for Prospero's enchantments is a no-no. (tyraarane)
362. Also, I will not portray Caliban as a Crocodile Dundee wanna-be. (tyraarane)
363. I will not present rational explanations for supernatural events in the play (e.g. presenting Margery Jourdain and the conjurers in 2 Henry VI as frauds) if the plot requires them to be taken as genuine, if misleading.
364. Try to cast a Lucentio that's a bit bolder than the woman playing Bianca. It kinda loses the effect of the relationship if Lucentio's scratching his head and mumbling while Bianca's shamelessly flirting with him. (wingedmoocow)
365. If my set must be constructed of cardboard and plywood, I will try to make it at least look like it's not cheap plywood, particularly in 1.3 of Richard II. (anakamwaystar)
366. I will not allow Ophelia to pass out real sprigs of herbs to Hamlet if Hamlet has not been previously tested for allergies. (northernminx)
367. I will make certain that the final deaths in Hamlet occur at the side or rear of the stage so as not to trip Hamlet in his final death scene. Falling flat on one's face is not dramatic unless planned. (northernminx)
368. I will ensure that Mercutio is played as he is actually written, i.e. confident, witty, skillful, and dangerous. Mercutio is emphatically not a pimp, a drug addict, a standup comedian, or a sufferer of Tourette's Syndrome. (fightguy)
369. If I choreograph Prince Hal killing Percy Hotspur by drawing his sword across Hotspur’s abdomen in a manner that looks like it would certainly lead to disembowelment, Hotspur will die lying on his side, facing upstage. I will certainly not direct Hotspur to die lying spread-eagled on his back, exposing his pristine and undamaged midriff to the clear view of the audience. (fightguy)
370. Likewise, Hotspur will not be wearing a full, shiny breastplate, which not only would make the aforementioned draw-cut ridiculous, but will also draw painful attention to the heaving chest of the "corpse" as the actor tries to get his breath back from the fight. (fightguy)
371. Characters who are repeatedly referred to in the text as being fat, such as Falstaff or Toby Belch, will actually be fat. If a portly actor is not cast in the role, convincing padding will be used. (fightguy)
372. I will not decide that the entire production will take place in the nude simply because I quite fancy the actress I've cast as Lady Macbeth. (infinitarian)
373. I will not cast an actual thirteen-year-old as Juliet, unless I am reasonably certain that she can convincingly portray lust and grief without giggling. (infinitarian)
374. During Petruchio's speeches, I will not have an old woman sitting in a rocking chair at the back of the stage who blows a whistle when he says "my mother" and rings a bell when he says "my father." (flynngrrl)
375. I will also try not to use outrageous southern accents in plays set in Italy. "He's coming from Messina" should not become, if you set the play in the south, "He's a-comin' from Messina." (flynngrrl)
376. I will not cast vaguely similar roles as the same role with the same defining characteristics. I will particularly not have Juliet and Miranda both dress as schoolgirls, play with toys, and generally act as children throughout the production, especially if different actresses play the different roles. Students who watch both plays will notice and draw their own conclusions about my sexual proclivities, and it serves me right for not having more imagination. (katfeete)
377. I will not put actors on trapezes. Cirque de Soleil is one thing and Shakespeare is another, and when the twain meet both suffer. (katfeete)
378. I will remember that the rustics are a subplot in Dream and that if Puck has more lines than anyone else in the play there is probably a reason. Therefore, I will not rush Puck offstage to make room for Bottom. (katfeete)
379. On a related note, I will not decide that only the funny lines in a play need convincing delivery. I will not decide that cheap tricks will distract my audience from the poor delivery of rhyme and pentameter (like, say, actors on trapezes). (katfeete)
380. I will not allow props to fall on the audience. (katfeete)
381. All decisions about set, period, and costume are meaningful. All deviations from the main set, period, or costume design require a good reason. I will not convince myself that "It looks cool" is a good reason. (katfeete)
382. I will not bring live animals on stage. They distract the audience, particularly when they do amusing things to the leading lady's costume. (katfeete)
383. I will not forget that, much as I would wish to believe my audience is sophisticated, mature, and capable of deciphering subtle sociopolitical commentary, quite a lot of Shakespeare is performed in front of bored high school classes. As such I will lay off on the sexual innuendo. The little brats are quite capable of laughing through Juliet's death scene otherwise. (katfeete)
384. I will not allow the background music to drown out the actors, even if it requires strangling the sound crew. (katfeete)
385. The soothsayer should not be a raving lunatic. Nor should she appear as a mute specter, on the fields of Phillipi or elsewhere, as a grim portent. (stevendj)
386. Lights should not flash to signify a disordered night, nor should sound effects add needless authority to ominous words. (stevendj)
387. Caesar should not stagger from conspirator to conspirator, lurching across the stage, to give each of them a chance to stab him. (stevendj)
388. It is not necessary to translate "Et tu, Brutus". (stevendj)
389. When bathing their hands in Caesar's blood, the conspirators should not arise with what appears to be red yarn dangling from their fingers. (stevendj)
390. Read item [389] again. Commit it to memory, in case you ever find yourself directing "Julius Caesar": this looks really stupid. (stevendj)
391. The common people at Caesar's funeral should not wear masks. It looks dumb. (stevendj)
392. When Mark Antony sweeps Caesar's burial shroud away, Caesar's body ought to be revealed. A metallic effigy is not an acceptable substitute. (stevendj)
393. The ghost of Caesar should be awesome and terrible, not so quietly inconspicuous that he can nearly cross the stage before you notice him. (stevendj)
394. Swords that have been thrust into bodies should not be conspicuously unstained. Brandishing a brightly polished sword while the supposedly wounded man staggers and falls looks really, really fake. (stevendj)
395. Stage makeup can do many things. Transforming a 20-year-old college student into a convincing Lear is not one of them. I will either cast an old man or choose a different play. (cumaeansibyl)
396. I will not have my weird sisters hump each other. (cumaeansibyl)
397. When staging Macbeth in medieval Scotland, I will not use didgeridoo-and-synthesizer-laden "world music" to provide atmosphere. There's a reason God gave us bagpipes. (cumaeansibyl)
398. I will not ask the college scene shop to make swords for me, because the swords will be very sad. (cumaeansibyl)
399. I will not cast a truly fine, sensitive actor for Falstaff for 1 Henry IV, and, when that actor decides not to return for Part 2, cast someone who doesn't understand the lines and tries for slapstick. (dakiwiboid)
400. I will not show the little princes in the tower in the background as Richard plots their murder... Most of all, I will not show them playing Nintendo. (beckyzoole)
401. If I am determined to do a "period" production of Shakespeare, I will employ set pieces beyond plain black boxes. (chaiya)
402. In a "period" performance of Shakespeare, I will not use patently modern music over the speaker system. There's plenty of old music available on CD these days, if a live musician isn't around. (chaiya)
403. If I must put Twelfth Night in a circus setting, I will not decide that Olivia, as the trapeze artist, should decend from the ceiling. Nor will I clothe her in only spandex and tinsel. The actress will both fear for her life and hate me. This is a bad combination. (chaiya)
404. If I have to ask myself whether I'm costuming someone in a particular article of clothing because I think it's appropriate to the character or because I want to see the actor in that state of undress, it's time to question my motives and get a third-party opinion. (chaiya)
405. If I cast my lover in a significant role and the entire rest of the cast complains about how wooden she is to work with, I will consider recasting either the role or the girlfriend. Both might be required. (chaiya)
406. If I must do a version of Macbeth with a Star Wars motif (and the thing is infinitely possible), I will make my Darth Vader comprehensibly relate his lines to the audience. (chaiya)
407. If Macduff's young son makes the cast giggle every time he cries, "He has killed me, mother!" I will cut the line appropriately. (chaiya)
408.I will not cast the oldest woman in the show as Juliet (or any other young lover), no matter how talented she may be. (chaiya)
409. I will carefully consider before casting both members of teenaged couples as part of an onstage couple in any show, either as lovers to each other or as lovers to someone else. Jealousy is a powerful motivator if casting them opposite someone else, and with teen love, there is a strong chance that the couple will break up before the rehearsing is completed. (chaiya)
410. I will not allow set changes in any production to take longer than the actual play. (chaiya)
411. If I have two actors with extremely different levels of acting talent, I will not cast them such that they are always in the same scenes, especially if they're often the only ones on stage. It's rude to both actors. (chaiya)
412. I will not take hallucenogenic drugs when reading a script, compelling me to cast five Kates in Taming of the Shrew. (aneli8)
413. When directing Anthony and Cleopatra, I will make sure that the actor playing Anthony does not have an erection during his death scene. (aneli8) [Well, it is in character for Antony -- ed.]
414. I will also never use ACTUAL snakes. Ever. (aneli8)
415. When setting a show in the disco-era, I will not allow my actors to wear high heels on a plexi-glass dance floor. It WILL break, and the techies WILL hurt someone. (aneli8)
416. When putting on a production of The Merchant of Venice, I will not force Shylock to have a 'Jewish accent' in order to make it 'more realistic'. (aneli8)
417. I will never hire a lighting designer whose main priority is watching the Red Sox game, a week before the show goes up. (aneli8)
418. I will use great discretion in casting competition fencers in roles calling for sword-play. If I do cast them, any tendancy to treat the question of who dies when as an issue still in doubt, or to draw out the battles excessively, will be sat upon firmly, starting at first rehearsal. (commodorified)
419. If doing a high school production with 11 to 14 year olds I will not leave them in charge of set production. (txt_eva)
420. I will put a 16/17 year old in charge and leave her to it, you know that one person focused on stage managing will be better than the all-in-one director/teacher/producer/set designer/costume designer. (txt_eva)
421. If the stage manager says she is tall enough to lift down the backdrops 4x4 plank of, I will listen, especially if she had done it all rehearsals, I will not therefore ask two tall 15 years old to do it on the day, especially if they don't know how and the said 4x4 block falls on stage managers head knocking her out. (txt_eva)
422. I will make sure that the play I am directing causes some reaction to the audiece that is better than the dramatic thud of the stage manager falling to the floor... it is a sign of a bad play! (txt_eva)
423. I will ask that stagehands remain "hidden" not in bright yellow and pink t-shirts. (txt_eva)
424. I will make sure that the actors are not allergic to/prone to choking on stage smoke before using in a production. (txt_eva)
425. I will make sure my actors have some sense of the stage and that they would take three dramatic steps back, only to fall backwards out of the open fire doors, especially when stage is 3 foot higher than doors. (txt_eva)
426. If numbers are an important part to the play (eg Monty Python Bed Sketch) then I will make sure my actors stick the numbers correctly, or make sure the others are good at mental arithmetic. (50 divided by 3 is not easy to do in ones head, on stage) (txt_eva)
I'll continue to edit as necessary if more come in, though I realize my fifteen minutes of LJ fame are almost up... ;)