003. repent
Spoilers: 4.01-4.02: Love Boat Angels, parts I & II.
When I had first seen Paul Hollister, I knew there would be troubled waters ahead for Kris and I. Kris did what had to be done for the case, I never once blamed her for that. But I watched her over the days, listened carefully to her words, constantly having to remind myself that she was simply playing a part, not only around Paul, but around Tiffany as well. So her constant swooning over our prime suspect wasn't necessarily how she really felt, just lines she had to say to keep suspicions low.
But stolen moments and occasional touches didn't do enough to quell my fears. I still felt like I was watching her slip through my fingers, and there was nothing I could do about it. Even after the case was finished, on the cruise home, things weren't right between Kris and I. Conversations were strained, moments alone were non-existent. I was sure then that my worst fears had been confirmed.
After we got back on solid Los Angeles ground, I took a cab back to my house and gladly collapsed on the couch upon entering. The whole trip had been one negative emotion after another, so much so that I desperately needed a release. Within a minute, I was in tears, sobbing uncontrollably at the idea of losing my love, so loudly I almost missed the knock at my door.
I dried my eyes, pushing my pain to the back of my mind once again, and forced myself to go see who was on the other side of the door. The last person I expected to see was her, standing there with her arms crossed over her stomach, a peculiar look in her eye. I let her in wordlessly, then closed the door behind her.
"You've been crying." She said quietly.
"Why are you here?" I tried to keep my voice even, hide everything I was feeling, but I knew she saw through it. She had always been able to tell what I was thinking. She took a step closer.
"We need to talk."
The last words any girl wants to hear from her lover. I motioned to the couch I had just been crying on. She took a seat. I sat on a chair, keeping a safe distance away. She seemed to be bothered by that, and looked down to the rug for a long moment.
"Kel, about Paul..." She was fighting to find the right words.
"It's okay." I started. I knew when our relationship had started that it was going to be rough to make it last, much rougher than a conventional relationship. And when I saw Paul Hollister walk into our lives, I was terrified that it was the end for Kris and I. "Everything that happened. I get it."
"Kel, what are you talking about?"
"This, us, it's run it's course." I watched as panic filled her eyes. She looked down to her folded hands, took in a deep breath. "It's okay. I've really been expecting this for a while," I lied.
"You have?" Her voice cracked.
"Yes."
"Is this really what you want?"
I paused, taking in her expression. Her eyes were wide, filled with something I'd never seen there before, a mixture of pain and confusion. She wasn't happy, that much was obvious. "It's what you want that matters." I said, meaning every word. I wanted nothing more than for her to be happy, and if it was with someone else, I would just have to get used to it. I watched her eyes trace a pattern on the rug.
"I know I screwed up. But I thought that our love could get past it. I mean, I kissed him, and I... I did feel something for him, I admit, but Kel, I love you, and I never meant to hurt you. I never wanted to make you cry." She looked at me with tear filled eyes. "I understand if you can't forgive me, if what I did hurt you so much you can't be with me anymore. But I do love you, more than anything in this world."
I stared at her blankly, processing what she had just said. She still loved me? She was sorry for becoming involved with Paul, but why? She can't help how she feels. She looked back down to the carpet, a tear falling down her cheek.
"I'm so sorry." She whispered, putting her face in her hands. I heard a small sob escape, and in an instant, I was at her side, pulling her small frame into my own. She pulled back immediately, standing up, turning her back to me. She wiped at her face furiously, then turned back around, eyes focused on the carpet at my feet. "Kelly, I'm sorry, so sorry, I just- I never wanted to lose you."
"You haven't." I said, finally finding my voice. She looked at me with bewildered eyes. I stood up, took the two steps to her. "I thought you wanted to break up. I thought that I wasn't what you wanted anymore."
"Why would you ever think that? Kelly, I love you, honey."
"I love you, too. I'm sorry. I just, I saw you with Paul, and I thought that you were moving on with him. I thought I'd lost you." She shook her head a few times.
"You'll never lose me. That is, if you can forgive me."
"Forgive you? For what?"
"The thing with Paul."
I freeze, wondering just how far things had gone with Paul. "Kris, you didn't sleep-" Her eyes grew wide.
"No! No, never. I swear." She said, holding up her hand. "I just, I did feel something for him, I can't hide that from you. I don't want to lie. But whatever it was, it was nothing compared to what we have, what I feel for you."
"Kris, do you love me?"
"With everything I am." The look in her eyes showed just how much she meant it.
"That's all that matters." I said honestly. A smile slowly spread across her face, the first real smile I'd seen from her in too long. I walked up to her, wrapped my arms around her, and sighed. "I don't want to lose you."
"That's one thing that I can promise will never happen."