400: Quite Possibly My Crowning Achievement (thus far)...

[andyleggett]

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Images Seen From a Passing Car Window

I.

This is an image so brief it appears still:

a crow, its small its small black body
distinct against the overcast sky--
the same gray as the cinder-block wall
on which it perches, its feathers made
bright by the cacophony of colors-
the neon blue of the Arco behind it and
the lampish red of the Chinese

Comments

[going_not_gone]

That's lovely. Each moment so distinct, and the final stanza pulling it all together. Well done.

And no, you're not the only one who does that.

[andyleggett]

Well then, people should be able to connect with it! ^_^

And I think I mentioned it before but this is the center-piece of la book... so a lot of other poems having to with cars tie into this, but having this poem finally written (I first came up with the idea for the first two in 2005, the other two in 2006), I feel like I'm beginning to have some thematic plan for it...

And I'll take lovely. Enjoyable is my aim. *thumbs up*

[chibibluebird]

It's wordy. And you're dealing with brief, intense images here, which makes it all the more important that you cut the excess.

I hesitate to give specific suggestions for cuts, as I doubt my skill in doing so. The community that's been most helpful in telling me what i need to cut is poetryslamming, though I doubt you'd want to belong to a workshop so brutal, so again I'm no help.

& to confuse you further, have a look at this blog post:

http://joanhoulihan.blogspot.com/2008/01/unsweetened-peonies.html

The original version of the poem is already very direct (i like Jane Kenyon's poems), but the blogger discusses some other issues relating to making a poem sound "contemporary".

[andyleggett]

Ha! Another Jane Kenyon fan

[crossthebar]

Somewhat belatedly: I liked it very much. Very much.

[andyleggett]

Well, I'm getting some good advise on it for the rewrite but... it's good that people enjoy it. That is, after all, the ultimate aim...^_^

Hee. If you enjoyed that one, then maybe clicking on the poetry tag would lead you to other pieces of mine you might enjoy. Or maybe you'll decide I'm a one-hit wonder. ;D