Very, very nice. Atmospheric and lovely. I particularly like "He does not know this woman. He merely knows the idea of her." That's brilliant. XD
I might reconsider changing the spelling of the words to fit the accent, as that's a little jarring. Otherwise you've got an excellent short story on your hands. ^^
Ummms... Methinks 'in't' and 'babby.' ^^; 'Babby' took me a while to decipher because I was thinking of some sort of babbling brook, or something... >_> But that's just me. If no-one else has any problems with it I wouldn't worry. ^^
Very poignant story. The accent took a few minutes to catch with me but I did enjoy it.
The only thing I would change would be the sentence structure, as it seems to be a bit choppy in spots. Combining some of the simpler sentences would probably be helpful.
The first paragraph really drags for me. The present tense works overall, but it slows down that descriptive paragraph to a snail's pace, and makes it feel really pedestrian. I'm not sure how that would best be rewritten, but at any rate, that's the only bit of the story that I felt didn't work.
Also, in the 4th paragraph - I'm not sure about him being scared of getting hit, even though his father never hits him ... ? Ah, I could be pulling things out of nowhere, but it just didn't feel believable. I'm not saying he should his father should be physically abusive, more that it seems like a strangely specific fear all things considered. Ah well, feel free to ignore.
Yeah, the first bit has changed considerably since last night when I had the whole thing picked over by six people for an hour. Not as fun as you might think!
Good point. No one pointed that out yesterday. *glower*
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I might reconsider changing the spelling of the words to fit the accent, as that's a little jarring. Otherwise you've got an excellent short story on your hands. ^^
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Why do I find it so funny... *collapses*
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The only thing I would change would be the sentence structure, as it seems to be a bit choppy in spots. Combining some of the simpler sentences would probably be helpful.
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A couple of things:
The first paragraph really drags for me. The present tense works overall, but it slows down that descriptive paragraph to a snail's pace, and makes it feel really pedestrian. I'm not sure how that would best be rewritten, but at any rate, that's the only bit of the story that I felt didn't work.
Also, in the 4th paragraph - I'm not sure about him being scared of getting hit, even though his father never hits him ... ? Ah, I could be pulling things out of nowhere, but it just didn't feel believable. I'm not saying he should his father should be physically abusive, more that it seems like a strangely specific fear all things considered. Ah well, feel free to ignore.
All things considered, well done! etc., etc.
Yosh
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Good point. No one pointed that out yesterday. *glower*
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