Will My Arms Be Strong Enough? 18/45
Title: Will My Arms Be Strong Enough? 18/45
Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys...and others!
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Rhys, John Hart, two OC's, Andrea (Andie) Carlowe and Nick Jones.
Spoilers: Set after Exit Wounds.
Summary: The aftermath of the attack, featuring angst, comfort and a new friendship. Oh and - because it's Sunday - a very tiny hint of smut.
Chapter 18
“John? You okay?”
The voice seemed so far away; and yet so close and so…concerned. But the moment he felt a hand catch his shoulder, he jumped to his feet and grabbed the sword that lay at his side.
“Don’t touch me!” he shouted, his voice hoarse. “Just…just stay away or I’ll kill you!”
The response was an amused laugh. “You can try. But we both know that it won’t make any difference at all.” A moment later, two firm hands were placed on his shoulders and a pair of familiar blue eyes gazed at him.
John blinked a little as the world began to swim into focus. “Jack?”
“Well, yes.” Jack looked a little bemused. “Who did you think it was, you?”
“I…” but the words wouldn’t come.
Jack frowned as he looked around him. “Why is your gun smoking?” he asked. “And…what have you done to your hand? It’s bleeding.”
“It doesn’t matter.” John tried to pull away, but his leader wouldn’t let go of his shoulders. “Jack, let me go. I’m fine.”
“No.” Jack stared at him. “You’re not fine, John. You’re shaking all over, but more importantly - how did you break the Chimera’s spell?”
“How did I what?”
Jack sighed. “I was just about to explain - we were attacked by a Chimera. It tracked us down tonight by smelling fear - fear that we didn’t even know we had. I guess Gwen, Ianto and I were, deep down, a little scared about being in the country after what happened last time. You have to either use the special mixture of drugs to defeat it - or you have to have incredible mental strength.”
“So…we each saw the thing we fear the most?”
“Yes, we did. And…” Jack stopped short. “John, what did you see?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Hey.” Jack’s voice softened. “It’s gone now; it’s over. And whatever it was, you were strong enough to beat it.” He reached out and touched John’s face cautiously and frowned when he found that it was wet. “Hey, come on, don’t do this. Just tell me.”
“I can’t.” John stepped away, angrily brushing his uninjured hand over his other cheek. “It’s not important, all right? It doesn’t matter.”
“Don’t walk away from me.” Jack caught his arm and spun him around. “Look, you might think that this isn’t important, but if it’s gotten you in such a state then it is important. Sit down.”
He waited until they were both sat on the grass before he said, “I know I might not be in the same place with you as I am with Ianto, but you mean a lot to me. I do care for you. I care for you very much, and I don’t want you to ever think that I don’t.”
John shifted and cleared his throat. “Yeah, of course…you mean a lot to me too,” he admitted, trying to ignore how hoarse his voice was.
Jack smiled. “And…about Nick…I think I owe you an apology. You were the one who said that we couldn’t keep what happened to Alison from him and you were right. I know what you’re thinking,” he added quickly as John tried to speak, “and…all right, maybe it was a bit soon after Carson’s funeral. But I don’t know when else we could have told him. If you hadn’t said anything and he’d found out from someone else…his relationship with Ianto could have been ruined.”
“That’s what I was trying to say.”
“I know. I’m sorry I was so harsh with you.” He laughed self-deprecatingly and started to clean the blood of John’s hand with a handkerchief. “I guess I just let a little bit of the old me slip out - what?” He interrupted himself when John flinched sharply. “John, what is it?”
“Nothing,” muttered John as he tried to get up, but Jack caught his wrist and turned him around, a look of dawning understanding in his eyes.
“That was what you saw.” It wasn’t a question. “You saw yourself - your past self…didn’t you?” There was no reply, but Jack didn’t need one; the lowered eyes were confirmation enough. Without pausing to think, he reached over and scooped his former partner into a hug.
“You’re not that man any more, John,” he said firmly, stroking the back of his head. “The fact that you had enough strength to break the spell shows that.”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. And do you know why I’m sure?”
“Why?”
“Because,” Jack hesitated for a second, “you showed…you proved that you changed…not just because of how bad you feel now, but…because you loved me.”
John pulled back sharply and then, for the first time, Jack saw him without the mask that he had held in place for so long; he saw him after the walls had fallen down and he realised that it was true. Whatever kind of man he had been when they had been together at the Time Agency was gone. Now, while he wasn’t completely changed, John was certainly different - a better man.
He spoke now. “I think that there’s a part of me that will never stop loving you,” he admitted. “You will always have a special place with me. It’s thanks to you that I’m able to move on - and I won’t ever forget that.” His voice was calm, but his eyes were filled with tears.
Jack sighed. “I know. And you will always have a special place here with me too. After all,” he managed a small laugh as they stood up, “we did share some amazing times. It’s just that -“
“Your heart belongs to Ianto.” John nodded. “I know that now. And I’m happy for you.” He shook his former partner’s hand. “I wish you, both of you, the best of luck together.”
“Thank you. I wish you the same.” With a last smile, he kissed John lightly on the cheek and moved on to check on the girls.
John watched him go for a second, smiling slightly as he bent down next to Andie and slipped an arm around her. He knew that there would always be a part of him that would love Jack until the end of his days. But he also knew that that wouldn’t stop him from loving again.
Sighing in contentment, he turned round, only to find himself face to face with Nick, who was smiling gently at him.
“That was beautiful,” he admitted.
“It just had to be said.” John’s voice was slowly turning back to calm nonchalance, although he still looked rather pale. “Are you all right?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
John stared at him for a second. “No, you’re not. You’ve just seen your greatest fear played right before your eyes. You’re not fine at all.”
Nick shook his head. “No, really, I’m fine. I’m all right, I just need to -” but the next thing he knew, he was almost choking as he sobbed into John’s shoulder. “I’m just…oh, God…”
“Just breathe,” interjected John, forcing himself to remain calm. “Just relax. It’s over; it’s over now…it’s done. You’re all right.” He stopped and frowned. “Well…no, you’re not all right. Come on, we’ll go back and get you warmed up, you’re freezing.”
Normally, Nick would have protested and insisted that he was all right. But right now, he realised that he just didn’t have the energy and so, with a choked sob, he let John wrap his coat around him and take him back to the tents.
~*~
“Do you want to talk about it?” When no reply was forthcoming, Jack sighed. “Come on, Ianto, tell me; you’ll feel so much better for it. Just get it out in the open, okay?”
Ianto shifted slightly in his lover’s embrace as he started to speak. “I was in this room, an empty room,” he said. “There were no windows, but it was all painted white and it was just…so blindingly bright. It was completely quiet, until I called out to ask if anyone was there. Then I heard them.”
“Heard who?” Jack’s arms tightened around him. “What did you hear?”
“Screams.” Ianto’s voice began to shake. “I heard people screaming, crying - trying to get away from there. I did what I could to remember John’s training and opened the door and went out. But I was there, Jack; I was back there…”
“Back where?” asked Jack. But then he saw Ianto’s eyes contract in pain as if he was remembering the worst day of his life - and, suddenly, right at that moment, he knew where his partner had been.
“Oh, Ianto,” he gasped, pulling him so close he was almost crushing him. “It’s all right. It’s in the past now. It’s all over.” He must have been so scared, he thought as he rocked him gently.
“One of them grabbed me,” gasped Ianto. “It…he…she…grabbed me and dragged me through the conversion chambers. I tried to resist, but it was too strong. Then, we stopped and…I was…I was right in front of the unit where Lisa had been…but it wasn’t her.”
He looked up through water-filled eyes. “It was you, Jack. They were trying to convert you…but you fought it. I don’t know how, but you didn’t let them convert you.” He paused for a second, trying to get his breathing under control. “But that didn’t stop them. I saw you, Jack…you were bound there and in front of you…there were six Daleks. I heard one of them saying stuff…about the Game Station and at that moment…I knew…”
“You realised that they were going to be - oh, Ianto!” Jack pressed a firm kiss into his hair. “Is that your greatest fear?”
“I thought I was going to lose you,” cried Ianto. “When…when you died after Abaddon, it was like…it was as if I’d lost everything all over again. I can’t lose you…and when I saw you in there…I was determined to save you.”
“But you have!” cried Jack. “You have saved me, more often than you can imagine. You gave me the second chance I never thought I deserved. You’ve taken the time to understand me and get to know me like no one else I’ve been with.”
He paused and swallowed, trying to compose himself. “And I want you to know, whatever happens with us, wherever our relationship goes…you’ll always be in my heart. I don’t think I could ever not love you.”
“That’s what you said then,” gasped Ianto, looking up. “That’s what you said just before…you said that, whatever happened…that I should never…” but his words were lost in a storm of tears.
“It’s okay,” soothed Jack, running his hands through the young man’s hair. “It’s okay, it’s over now. Shush, shush, you’re safe. I’ve got you.” He held Ianto tight and kissed his forehead gently, rubbing soothing circles over his back and humming a lullaby in his ear.
After the crying had subsided a little, Jack leaned over and cupped Ianto’s wet cheeks in his hands. “Do you know what I saw?” he whispered. “I saw…everyone I’ve ever loved and cared about…Owen, Toshiko, Gwen, Estelle, the Doctor, Rose, Martha…all of them, and so many others, turning against me, cursing me. They hated me…said that I was worse than Saxon…”
Ianto sat bolt upright. “Oh, Jack…”
“But I could have handled all that,” he continued. “I could have handled all of that…if only I’d had you by my side. But you were stood at their head, the only one who was alive. I called out to you, but you didn’t want to know me…you said I’d caused everything…all the people there…they were dead because of me. Even the Doctor was dead…sacrificed for…”
“For the greater good,” whispered Ianto. “Jack, listen to me. I will never turn against you again, never. Whatever happens, the one thing you can guarantee is that I will stand by you. You said that I saved you, but before that…you saved me. You’ve done more for me than anyone ever could. Every time something knocks you down, I’ll pick you up again…because I love you.”
Jack was stunned. That was the first time Ianto had ever said those words to him; they’d been said by him before, but this was the first time that they’d been said to him. And right now, he didn’t know what to do. Saying ‘I love you too’ suddenly seemed so trite and insignificant, especially after Ianto’s tender vow to always be there for him.
“Ianto…” he whispered, before lightly brushing away the last of his tears.
“Jack, don’t worry. It’s okay,” whispered Ianto, stroking his hand. “It’s all right now. It’s over.” They sat together for a few minutes, holding each other and kissing occasionally, Ianto’s hand gently brushing Jack’s damp fringe over his warm forehead. When he felt the older man start to relax, he gently laid him down inside the sleeping bag and eased a soft pillow under his head.
Jack smiled at him. “Thank you,” he whispered. “I just…I just need a few minutes…”
“I know.” Ianto pressed a soft kiss to his temple. “I know. I’ll just be outside.” Giving Jack’s hand a last squeeze, he opened the flaps and stepped outside to sit at the flickering campfire.
However, to his surprise, he quickly saw that he was not alone. John was sitting on one of the logs, calmly tending to the fire. He looked up and started in surprise when he heard Ianto approach, only to smile sheepishly when he saw that it was him.
“You want to sit down?”
Ianto nodded and perched himself on the log. “Where’s Nick?”
“He’s fine; he just wanted to be alone for a few minutes. I think,” John hesitated, “I guess he just didn’t want me to see him upset.”
Ianto nodded. “Jack used to be that way with me; he didn’t always want me to see him break too much. But, with time, he opened up to me more and…well, you know. Things changed.”
John sighed and turned back to his tent. “I’ve never seen Nick like this,” he admitted. “Even after…Flat Holm, he wasn’t this upset.” His face was calm, but his voice was full of concern. “You don’t know what he could have seen, do you?”
“No,” admitted Ianto. “The one thing Nick and I never told each other was our greatest fear.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know. It’s just one of those things, I guess.” Ianto shifted slightly on the log. “John?”
“Yeah?”
“I…I’m sorry. I got you completely wrong. I thought that you were just after Nick for…well, for your part-time shag, I guess.”
“He told me you said that.”
“I know. I was wrong to say that. I was just scared and, to be honest, I think I was a little jealous. I knew what you’d had with Jack and, as much as I wanted to, I just wasn’t sure whether I could trust you. But then I saw you two earlier and I realised that, while you do care about him, you’ve let him go gracefully. And then I saw you with Nick and…I saw just how stupid I’d been. I judged you prematurely and I didn’t give you the chance to show that you have changed.” He turned and looked John straight in the eyes. “I was wrong and I’m sorry.”
John gave a small chuckle. “We’ve had an odd relationship, you and me, haven’t we? From you considering that orgy - and don’t try and deny it - to us finally working together and me ending up dating your cousin.”
Ianto smiled slightly. “Yeah, I guess it’s not been the most functional relationship. But…I would like us to be friends, if that’s what you’re asking.” He held out his hand and waited for the former Time Agent to shake it. “You are a changed man, John. Don’t ever think that you’re not.”
He stood up and started to wander back to his tent, but halfway across the field, he turned back. “Oh, and I’m sorry it’s taken so long, but…I hope you and Nick are very happy together.”
“You mean -”
“Yes. I saw you two earlier and I realised just how much you do care for him. I should have done this sooner, but…I’m giving you both my blessing.”
“You mean that?”
“Yeah, I do. Like I said, now that I’ve had time to think, I’ve realised how stupid and judgemental I was. Besides,” and here he added a small grin, “if a former Time Agent’s good enough for me…then a former Time Agent’s good enough for Nick.”
John shook his head and chuckled as he watched the young man walk back to his own tent and clamber back inside. Then, with a small shrug, he stood up, dusted off his jeans and started to crawl back into his own tent. Unfortunately, he tripped over something at the foot of the mattress and toppled onto the sleeping bag. Mentally cursing, he started to get up, only to find himself staring down the barrel of a gun.
“Woah!” he exclaimed, raising his hands in the air. “Okay, I know that bed-head and a gun makes you look really hot, but…it’s only me!”
“Well, in my defence, I hardly expected you to fall on top of me!” snapped Nick, quickly storing his gun and turning away to try and hide his blush.
“Well, is it my fault that you look so damn hot?” retorted John, before rolling his eyes good-naturedly. “How’re you feeling?”
“I was fine until you startled me half to death,” answered Nick with a dry smile and an eye-roll of his own. “No, I’m all right now. I’m sorry I lost it earlier; I was just…”
“Scared?” John smiled and sat down. “It’s okay. It’s over now.”
“Yeah…yeah, it’s over.”
There was a long pause as they both shifted into more comfortable positions. Then John cleared his throat. “You know, I…just had a chat with -”
“I know. I heard you both. And I want you to know that, even if he hadn’t…you know it wouldn’t have made an iota of difference as far as I’m concerned.”
“It wouldn’t?”
“No. Look, I get that Ianto’s just looking out for me and I’m touched that he is. And, obviously, I’d do the same for him. But I’ve got to make some choices myself. He can’t protect me from everything. I’ve got to take risks and make my own mistakes. Otherwise I’ll never learn.”
John nodded. “I hope that what we have doesn’t end up being a mistake though,” he said as he ran his finger down Nick’s shoulder. “I don’t want to lose you, Patch.”
“Patch?!” repeated Nick incredulously. “Since when have you called me that?”
“Well, it’s all part of your job. You know, you patch people’s injuries up. And, you know, with you calling me Sparky, it fits; Sparky and Patch.”
“You mean like Starsky and Hutch?”
“Yeah, why not?” chuckled John. “Also…you know, you’ve got this little patch of hair right here…right near your collarbone.” He smiled as he found his fingers slowly brushing over Nick’s jaw, smoothing over the joints which were still healing after the fight with Ianto at his uncle’s wake. “And you’ve got a little bruised patch right here,” he added, caressing his way up Nick’s face. “And -” but he stopped abruptly when something caught his eye, causing him to smile.
“You’re going to need contact lenses,” he murmured.
“Contact lenses?” repeated Nick. “What do I need them for?”
“Just for when you’re out in the field,” John answered quickly. “I mean, as gorgeous as I think you look with those glasses on…you don’t want them to get lost or broken, do you?”
Nick smiled slightly and turned around. “Okay…and what about when I’m not working?”
“Well,” John’s voice dropped. “Then, I’d love to see you wearing them…”
“Except for when I’m asleep?”
“Except for when you’re asleep,” whispered John, leaning across to brush their lips together in a gesture that was reminiscent of their first kiss that morning by the bay. Slowly, he wrapped his arms around Nick’s waist, drawing him close and slowly unbuttoning his shirt, hoping that they could warm up and share their body heat as they lay down inside the thick sleeping bag. He smiled when he saw the young man’s eyes start to close.
“Nick,” he whispered, readying his courage, “I -“
But there was no sense in continuing, because Nick was fast asleep, his face half buried in his pillow and his shining hair flopping over his slowly pinking cheeks. Smiling sadly, John leaned over and brushed a kiss over his hair and lay down beside him.
~*~
The next morning, Jack woke up to the sound of raindrops and shrieks of laughter from outside. He blinked and rubbed his eyes, only to notice that he could see clearly without the need for inside lamps. And the first thing he saw was a messy-haired Ianto smiling up at him, his face alight with happiness, even though his eyes looked tired.
“I reckon we’re the only two who didn’t get much sleep last night,” he whispered. “But I wouldn’t have changed that for anything.”
Jack smiled and leaned down to nuzzle his neck, all the while running his hand up one side of his lover’s naked body. “Neither would I,” he whispered as he peppered him with kisses.
“Jack…” murmured Ianto, feeling himself start to lose control. He was just moaning over the amazing things that the older man could do with his tongue, when a call from outside distracted them both.
Jack sighed. “I suppose we’d better get up,” he said, reaching into his bag and pulling on a shirt. He tossed another one over to Ianto. “We don’t want them causing too much havoc.”
Ianto smirked. “We could…or we could just stay here and leave them to their own devices…”
“Tempting,” admitted Jack. “Very tempting…but we should go. We don’t want them traumatising any of the locals. Besides,” he was fastening his shoes by now, “it sounds like they’re having fun.”
“Oh, fine,” sighed Ianto, also pulling on his trainers as he opened the flap. “This had better be good, otherwise you’re sleeping on the sofa,” he warned, but his eyes were twinkling.
Jack slapped him playfully on the backside and together they stepped out - to be greeted by the sight of Gwen and Andie, both wrapped in their raincoats and standing under an enormous umbrella, laughing at what was going on in the middle of the park.
It looked as though John and Nick were playing a one-on-one game of touch rugby in the rain and the mud - only without the ball. Actually, it just looked as though they were constantly trying to force the other to the ground every time they got the chance. Needless to say, both of them were very wet and covered in mud, but they seemed to be having too much fun to care.
“What are they doing?” asked Jack, in a voice that managed to be at once amused, surprised and thick with innuendo. “Apart from the obvious, I mean.”
“John muttered something about physical training,” answered Gwen.
“Is that what they’re calling it these days?” Jack smirked. “Well…when I said mud-wrestling, I never expected anyone to have taken me literally.”
A moment later, John let out a growl as Nick crept up behind him and shoved an enormous handful of mud down the back of his shirt. “Ianto!” he shouted. “Your cousin is a menace!”
Ianto smirked and bent down to re-tie his shoelace. “It’s a Jones trait,” he said calmly and, without changing his expression once, he twirled around and threw a handful of mud at Jack’s face.
***
Next Time: Christmas is coming and the boys want to do something special. Obviously, Jack has a plan…what could it be? A few chapters of Christmas-filled fluff, folks…but don’t expect it to last! And to find out what Jack and Ianto got up to in the tent...go here! http://anduria-trianys.livejournal.com/19092.html#cutid1