Will My Arms Be Strong Enough 12/45
Title: Will My Arms Be Strong Enough? 12/?
Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys...and others!
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Rhys, John Hart, two OCs, Andrea (Andie) Carlowe and Nick Jones.
Spoilers: Set after Exit Wounds.
Summary Actions have consequences.
Chapter 12
There was almost total silence in the room, the only sound being Nick’s barely restrained sobs. Very slowly, and with an air of total calmness, Jack walked down the stairs, each silent step as firm as a death knell. When he spoke, his voice was very calm, too calm in fact.
“Come to my office,” was all he said before he walked away again, closing the door behind him.
John visibly forced himself not to swallow and started to walk up the stairs. But halfway up, he turned back. “I’m sorry, Nick,” he whispered.
“It’s a bit late for saying sorry,” said Ianto.
“I know.” The words were almost a whisper as he followed Jack.
“Shut the door behind you.” Jack’s voice was still dead calm. John did so, but started to speak before his leader had the chance.
“I know what you’re going to say and maybe on some level you’re right. I didn’t think things through completely, I won’t deny that. But, I will tell you now - given the chance, I wouldn’t change what I did. In fact, I would do it all again if I had to.”
That got Jack’s attention. He spun round so fast he knocked a pile of papers off his desk. Suddenly, his eyes were blazing with anger. “What did you say?” he growled.
“Jack, I know what you’re thinking, but this is completely different to what happened with Nikki Bevan. She was on her own, with no one close to support her. And in that case, yes, it would have been better for her not to know. But Nick isn’t alone. He’s got his family and friends - and he’s got us. Together, we can support him. But he had to know.”
“He had to know,” Jack repeated. “He had to know.” Suddenly his voice turned as cold as ice. “He had to know…never mind what would happen when he found out?”
“Jack!” John’s anger was boiling now. “We had no right to keep this from him! You know that!”
“You had no right to go against me like that!” countered Jack. “You have no idea what you’ve done to that man. You know…sometimes I wonder if you’ve changed at all!”
John felt as though someone had slapped him. That was a low blow and both of them knew it. “I have changed!” he exclaimed. “You changed me!”
Jack shrugged. “I thought I had,” he said, “I really did. But now, seeing what you’ve done to Nick, I simply don’t know any more.”
John couldn’t help it; he gaped. Then, summoning up the last of his courage, he said, “Jack, I admit it, I didn’t think it all the way through. I didn’t want to hurt him and I’m sorry that I did.” He reached for Jack’s arm. “But just think, Jack. If it had been you - if you had been the one in Nick’s situation…you would have wanted the truth. And you and I both know that.”
~*~
Ianto sat up as the sound of Jack’s raised voice hit him suddenly, drawing him from his daze. The two men had been in that office for almost twenty minutes and this was the first time that Jack’s voice had been loud enough for him to notice it.
He jumped slightly and looked down just in time to see Nick stir and open his eyes, his face soaked with tears and his slim form still shaking. With a small smile, he reached over to brush the tears away from his cousin’s dimpled cheeks.
“I thought you were asleep,” he whispered.
“Sorry,” muttered Nick, forcing himself upright and brushing his hair out of his eyes. He let out a low, trembling breath as he tried to pull himself together. It was bad enough that he’d cried all over his cousin’s shirt without falling asleep on him as well. It didn’t matter that, inside, he was falling apart - all he wanted to do was keep a little bit of dignity.
Ianto seemed to realise that. “Hey, don’t worry,” he said, calmly, but with that comforting undertone his soft voice carried. “Come on, get your coat and I’ll take you home.”
That proved to be a mistake. Nick stiffened and turned to look at him. “No!”
Ianto blinked. “What? Nick, look at you; you’re exhausted, you need to rest.”
But Nick shook his head. “No…I can’t go home…don’t take me there.” His voice had dropped to a hoarse whisper and his eyes were rapidly filling with tears. “I can’t…”
Ianto watched his cousin, his heart breaking for him. He and Jack had been halfway through a rather intense game of strip poker when he’d arrived in floods of tears. He had sobbed for almost an hour before finally managing to choke out what had happened. Ianto had been distraught, but Jack had been furious - furious and hurt - at John’s betrayal of him…of everything.
“Nick,” he said, slowly reaching out to touch his shoulder, but before he could, there was a sound of something hitting wood from upstairs. It sounded like Jack had banged his hand on the table.
Suddenly, Nick turned round to face Ianto, as if something had just occurred to him. “What’s going to happen to John?”
Ianto looked surprised. “He’ll probably be Retconned,” he answered indifferently. “As much as I’d like him to, I doubt that Jack will kill him - hey, where are you going?”
But Nick was already halfway up the stairs to the office. He arrived just in time for Jack’s furious voice to fill the Hub, echoing off the walls and causing the pterodactyl to squeal loudly. But it was what he said that shocked the young man to the core.
“You just give me one good reason why I shouldn’t Retcon you back to the Time Agency!”
With only a moment’s pause to think, Nick burst into the office, ignoring the door hitting the wall with a loud bang. “Jack, you can’t!” he shouted out loud.
Jack, who moments earlier had been glaring at John, turned. “You broke my door,” he said, sounding astonished.
“Oh, fuck your door!” snapped Nick. “Jack, you can’t Retcon him. You can’t.”
Jack stared at him. “Why? Surely it’s the least he deserves after what he’s done to you.”
“No.” Nick shook his head firmly. “You can’t, Jack. You can’t punish him for something that wasn’t his fault in the first place.”
John shook his head. “Nick, it doesn’t matter. After what I did to you -”
“It matters to me!” shouted Nick. “Jack, listen to me. Yes, John did take me there, there’s no denying that. But he only took me there because I asked him to.”
He waved away Jack’s impending protests. “I wanted to go and see her, find out what had happened to my wife. If John hadn’t taken me to her, I might have still believed that she was alive somewhere, just waiting for me. It would have sent the police on a wild goose chase…and would have slowly driven me insane from the false hope.”
“Nick -” began Jack, but he was cut off again.
“No, Jack. I understand that you wanted to protect me, I really do. You see enough shit on this job as it is. But next time…just tell me.” He turned to John. “I didn’t want to admit this at the time, but you were right. As much as it hurts, it is better that I know the truth. I’ve got Trevyn and Estelle to think about too, and I can’t be doing that if I keep thinking about her and wondering if she’s ever going to come home. It’s not fair to them.”
His voice had cracked at the end, leaving no doubt that, despite his brave words, he was still deeply distressed by what had happened. But, even so, he didn’t wait for either of the two men to speak. “I’m going for a walk.”
He dimly heard Jack mutter something that might have been, “Don’t worry about the door” after him, but he ignored him and continued on his way. It was only when he got to the bottom that he was stopped in his tracks by an exclamation from Ianto.
“What the hell was all that about?”
“Just telling the truth,” he answered. “I need some air.”
“Nick!” shouted Ianto.
“Don’t start now.” And with that, Nick walked calmly out of the Hub.
~*~
“I didn’t ask him to say that,” said John. His mind was reeling from everything Nick had just said. “Yes, he did ask me to take him to see Alison, but I never asked him to -”
“Go back downstairs.” Jack’s voice was hollow.
That was not what John had expected to hear. He blinked in surprise. “What?”
Jack sighed. “I’m going to give you one last chance,” he said, never once looking at his former partner. “But make sure you know this. The only reason I’m not Retconning you as we speak is because I know how indispensable you are in the field. Now go.”
John simply gaped for a split second before the words registered in his head. With a brusque nod, he turned on his heel and walked out of the office, wincing as he heard the sound of several things falling to the floor with a loud crash - louder than when Nick had thrown open the door.
He was just about to start to leave the Hub, when he was stopped by a hand closing around his wrist in a vice-like grip. He jumped and turned to find himself centimeters away from Ianto, who was watching him with the coldest eyes he had ever seen.
“I am warning you now,” he said in a voice that literally seemed to be made of icicles. “You may be an essential ally in the field, but I swear to you…if you ever think, even for one second, about hurting him like that again, I will personally Retcon you back to your childhood. And don’t think for a minute that I won’t do it.” He removed his arm, taking no pains to be gentle. “Now get out.”
John didn’t need telling twice. With a small shudder, he jumped onto the lift and clenched his fists as it began its shuddering journey upwards - a journey which, with Ianto glaring at him the whole time, seemed to take far too long. As soon as he reached the top, he jumped away, as if he was scared that the young man could actually take revenge on him, even now.
It wasn’t long before he spotted Nick sitting on a bench and looking out over the water. Cautiously, he approached him, but he didn’t touch him; instead, he just sat down beside him, giving him a little space and gathering his courage to speak.
“I’m sorry.”
Nick shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. What’s done is done.” He was still using the brave voice he’d used in Jack’s office, but John could see damp tracks on his face and hear the tiny tremor underneath the calm façade and knew that he’d been crying.
He sighed. “There’s no shame in getting upset, Nick. We’ve all been there before in some way, shape or form - and we’re all here for you.”
Nick sighed. “I know. But - and I mean this from the bottom of my heart - thank you, John…thank you for taking me there. I don’t care what Jack says and I don’t care what Ianto says - you did the right thing today. You were honest to me and in that way, you showed me respect. Thank you. It may not have been right for me to press them, but…I stand by what I said in that office. I needed to know…if only for Estelle and Trevyn’s sake.”
John shifted slightly. “There’s still something I don’t quite understand. It was me who Jack was angry with, because I was the one who took you there when he ordered everyone not to. But then you as good as told him that it was your fault for asking me to take you. Why?”
“Because it was my fault,” answered Nick. “Jack had his reasons for not wanting me to find her and I just went and pushed him. I shouldn’t have done that and I shouldn’t have dragged you into it. I just…I needed to know - and I felt as though, in this at least, I could trust you.”
“Do you feel better now that you know? I mean…really?”
“Yes…and no,” admitted Nick, slowly. “I mean, on the one hand, I’m glad that I know the truth now, but on the other hand…I just…when I saw her, I knew. I knew she wasn’t my wife. I knew she wasn’t the woman I loved…"
John blinked. “Loved…past tense?”
Nick looked ashamed. “Well…yeah, I suppose. I just…I didn’t feel anything for her. No love, no…friendship - nothing. It was like…like I didn’t even care about her. When I was crying like that…I didn’t realise it at the time, but I think it was mostly the shock talking. And that scream…oh, God, that scream.” He shuddered. “There’s nothing there, John. There’s nothing there to remind me of her.”
“Do,” John hesitated, trying to think of a way to word this without sounding like a jerk, but the feeling of his fingers running through the young man’s soft hair coupled with his eyes gazing at him was making it very difficult to think. “Do you…can you think why that was?”
“Yes.” There was no hesitation. “When I heard Jack yelling at you, when I realised that he actually could have Retconned you…it just hit me. I’d been living a lie for so long. I’d been fooling myself into thinking that Alison wasn’t really gone. But that was wrong. She was gone a long time ago; I just didn’t want to see it. But I can’t do this any more.”
“Do what?”
“Lie.” Nick leaned closer to John’s face. “I can’t lie any more about…about how I feel…”
As he spoke, his hand edged out of his pocket and slid along the bench where they were sitting to rest in between them both, his eyes never once leaving John’s face.
John started in surprise as his eyes flickered downwards and he realised what he was being offered. He glanced upwards, wanting to be sure he hadn’t misunderstood the signs, and nearly choked when he saw the new intensity in the younger man’s eyes.
“Nick…” he whispered, finding his own hand moving towards the middle of the bench as well. At the same time, he tilted his head forwards, closer and closer, until there was barely a centimeter between them. His breath hitched as their noses gently rubbed together and, a moment later, Nick’s eyes fluttered closed, although the shallow breathing made it clear that he was still perfectly aware of his surroundings.
And then, as the morning sun rose over the bay, bringing a fresh new dawn, their lips finally touched. It was slow and tentative at first, just a soft caress, only as strong as a breath of summer wind. But slowly, almost in time with the rising of the sun, they allowed themselves to relax as the kiss deepened and they finally gave in, John shivering slightly in the cold as he ran his fingers through Nick’s hair.
***
Next Time: John and Nick may have turned a corner, but how will the others feel about this?
Pairings: Jack/Ianto, Gwen/Rhys...and others!
Characters: Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Rhys, John Hart, two OCs, Andrea (Andie) Carlowe and Nick Jones.
Spoilers: Set after Exit Wounds.
Summary Actions have consequences.
Chapter 12
There was almost total silence in the room, the only sound being Nick’s barely restrained sobs. Very slowly, and with an air of total calmness, Jack walked down the stairs, each silent step as firm as a death knell. When he spoke, his voice was very calm, too calm in fact.
“Come to my office,” was all he said before he walked away again, closing the door behind him.
John visibly forced himself not to swallow and started to walk up the stairs. But halfway up, he turned back. “I’m sorry, Nick,” he whispered.
“It’s a bit late for saying sorry,” said Ianto.
“I know.” The words were almost a whisper as he followed Jack.
“Shut the door behind you.” Jack’s voice was still dead calm. John did so, but started to speak before his leader had the chance.
“I know what you’re going to say and maybe on some level you’re right. I didn’t think things through completely, I won’t deny that. But, I will tell you now - given the chance, I wouldn’t change what I did. In fact, I would do it all again if I had to.”
That got Jack’s attention. He spun round so fast he knocked a pile of papers off his desk. Suddenly, his eyes were blazing with anger. “What did you say?” he growled.
“Jack, I know what you’re thinking, but this is completely different to what happened with Nikki Bevan. She was on her own, with no one close to support her. And in that case, yes, it would have been better for her not to know. But Nick isn’t alone. He’s got his family and friends - and he’s got us. Together, we can support him. But he had to know.”
“He had to know,” Jack repeated. “He had to know.” Suddenly his voice turned as cold as ice. “He had to know…never mind what would happen when he found out?”
“Jack!” John’s anger was boiling now. “We had no right to keep this from him! You know that!”
“You had no right to go against me like that!” countered Jack. “You have no idea what you’ve done to that man. You know…sometimes I wonder if you’ve changed at all!”
John felt as though someone had slapped him. That was a low blow and both of them knew it. “I have changed!” he exclaimed. “You changed me!”
Jack shrugged. “I thought I had,” he said, “I really did. But now, seeing what you’ve done to Nick, I simply don’t know any more.”
John couldn’t help it; he gaped. Then, summoning up the last of his courage, he said, “Jack, I admit it, I didn’t think it all the way through. I didn’t want to hurt him and I’m sorry that I did.” He reached for Jack’s arm. “But just think, Jack. If it had been you - if you had been the one in Nick’s situation…you would have wanted the truth. And you and I both know that.”
~*~
Ianto sat up as the sound of Jack’s raised voice hit him suddenly, drawing him from his daze. The two men had been in that office for almost twenty minutes and this was the first time that Jack’s voice had been loud enough for him to notice it.
He jumped slightly and looked down just in time to see Nick stir and open his eyes, his face soaked with tears and his slim form still shaking. With a small smile, he reached over to brush the tears away from his cousin’s dimpled cheeks.
“I thought you were asleep,” he whispered.
“Sorry,” muttered Nick, forcing himself upright and brushing his hair out of his eyes. He let out a low, trembling breath as he tried to pull himself together. It was bad enough that he’d cried all over his cousin’s shirt without falling asleep on him as well. It didn’t matter that, inside, he was falling apart - all he wanted to do was keep a little bit of dignity.
Ianto seemed to realise that. “Hey, don’t worry,” he said, calmly, but with that comforting undertone his soft voice carried. “Come on, get your coat and I’ll take you home.”
That proved to be a mistake. Nick stiffened and turned to look at him. “No!”
Ianto blinked. “What? Nick, look at you; you’re exhausted, you need to rest.”
But Nick shook his head. “No…I can’t go home…don’t take me there.” His voice had dropped to a hoarse whisper and his eyes were rapidly filling with tears. “I can’t…”
Ianto watched his cousin, his heart breaking for him. He and Jack had been halfway through a rather intense game of strip poker when he’d arrived in floods of tears. He had sobbed for almost an hour before finally managing to choke out what had happened. Ianto had been distraught, but Jack had been furious - furious and hurt - at John’s betrayal of him…of everything.
“Nick,” he said, slowly reaching out to touch his shoulder, but before he could, there was a sound of something hitting wood from upstairs. It sounded like Jack had banged his hand on the table.
Suddenly, Nick turned round to face Ianto, as if something had just occurred to him. “What’s going to happen to John?”
Ianto looked surprised. “He’ll probably be Retconned,” he answered indifferently. “As much as I’d like him to, I doubt that Jack will kill him - hey, where are you going?”
But Nick was already halfway up the stairs to the office. He arrived just in time for Jack’s furious voice to fill the Hub, echoing off the walls and causing the pterodactyl to squeal loudly. But it was what he said that shocked the young man to the core.
“You just give me one good reason why I shouldn’t Retcon you back to the Time Agency!”
With only a moment’s pause to think, Nick burst into the office, ignoring the door hitting the wall with a loud bang. “Jack, you can’t!” he shouted out loud.
Jack, who moments earlier had been glaring at John, turned. “You broke my door,” he said, sounding astonished.
“Oh, fuck your door!” snapped Nick. “Jack, you can’t Retcon him. You can’t.”
Jack stared at him. “Why? Surely it’s the least he deserves after what he’s done to you.”
“No.” Nick shook his head firmly. “You can’t, Jack. You can’t punish him for something that wasn’t his fault in the first place.”
John shook his head. “Nick, it doesn’t matter. After what I did to you -”
“It matters to me!” shouted Nick. “Jack, listen to me. Yes, John did take me there, there’s no denying that. But he only took me there because I asked him to.”
He waved away Jack’s impending protests. “I wanted to go and see her, find out what had happened to my wife. If John hadn’t taken me to her, I might have still believed that she was alive somewhere, just waiting for me. It would have sent the police on a wild goose chase…and would have slowly driven me insane from the false hope.”
“Nick -” began Jack, but he was cut off again.
“No, Jack. I understand that you wanted to protect me, I really do. You see enough shit on this job as it is. But next time…just tell me.” He turned to John. “I didn’t want to admit this at the time, but you were right. As much as it hurts, it is better that I know the truth. I’ve got Trevyn and Estelle to think about too, and I can’t be doing that if I keep thinking about her and wondering if she’s ever going to come home. It’s not fair to them.”
His voice had cracked at the end, leaving no doubt that, despite his brave words, he was still deeply distressed by what had happened. But, even so, he didn’t wait for either of the two men to speak. “I’m going for a walk.”
He dimly heard Jack mutter something that might have been, “Don’t worry about the door” after him, but he ignored him and continued on his way. It was only when he got to the bottom that he was stopped in his tracks by an exclamation from Ianto.
“What the hell was all that about?”
“Just telling the truth,” he answered. “I need some air.”
“Nick!” shouted Ianto.
“Don’t start now.” And with that, Nick walked calmly out of the Hub.
~*~
“I didn’t ask him to say that,” said John. His mind was reeling from everything Nick had just said. “Yes, he did ask me to take him to see Alison, but I never asked him to -”
“Go back downstairs.” Jack’s voice was hollow.
That was not what John had expected to hear. He blinked in surprise. “What?”
Jack sighed. “I’m going to give you one last chance,” he said, never once looking at his former partner. “But make sure you know this. The only reason I’m not Retconning you as we speak is because I know how indispensable you are in the field. Now go.”
John simply gaped for a split second before the words registered in his head. With a brusque nod, he turned on his heel and walked out of the office, wincing as he heard the sound of several things falling to the floor with a loud crash - louder than when Nick had thrown open the door.
He was just about to start to leave the Hub, when he was stopped by a hand closing around his wrist in a vice-like grip. He jumped and turned to find himself centimeters away from Ianto, who was watching him with the coldest eyes he had ever seen.
“I am warning you now,” he said in a voice that literally seemed to be made of icicles. “You may be an essential ally in the field, but I swear to you…if you ever think, even for one second, about hurting him like that again, I will personally Retcon you back to your childhood. And don’t think for a minute that I won’t do it.” He removed his arm, taking no pains to be gentle. “Now get out.”
John didn’t need telling twice. With a small shudder, he jumped onto the lift and clenched his fists as it began its shuddering journey upwards - a journey which, with Ianto glaring at him the whole time, seemed to take far too long. As soon as he reached the top, he jumped away, as if he was scared that the young man could actually take revenge on him, even now.
It wasn’t long before he spotted Nick sitting on a bench and looking out over the water. Cautiously, he approached him, but he didn’t touch him; instead, he just sat down beside him, giving him a little space and gathering his courage to speak.
“I’m sorry.”
Nick shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. What’s done is done.” He was still using the brave voice he’d used in Jack’s office, but John could see damp tracks on his face and hear the tiny tremor underneath the calm façade and knew that he’d been crying.
He sighed. “There’s no shame in getting upset, Nick. We’ve all been there before in some way, shape or form - and we’re all here for you.”
Nick sighed. “I know. But - and I mean this from the bottom of my heart - thank you, John…thank you for taking me there. I don’t care what Jack says and I don’t care what Ianto says - you did the right thing today. You were honest to me and in that way, you showed me respect. Thank you. It may not have been right for me to press them, but…I stand by what I said in that office. I needed to know…if only for Estelle and Trevyn’s sake.”
John shifted slightly. “There’s still something I don’t quite understand. It was me who Jack was angry with, because I was the one who took you there when he ordered everyone not to. But then you as good as told him that it was your fault for asking me to take you. Why?”
“Because it was my fault,” answered Nick. “Jack had his reasons for not wanting me to find her and I just went and pushed him. I shouldn’t have done that and I shouldn’t have dragged you into it. I just…I needed to know - and I felt as though, in this at least, I could trust you.”
“Do you feel better now that you know? I mean…really?”
“Yes…and no,” admitted Nick, slowly. “I mean, on the one hand, I’m glad that I know the truth now, but on the other hand…I just…when I saw her, I knew. I knew she wasn’t my wife. I knew she wasn’t the woman I loved…"
John blinked. “Loved…past tense?”
Nick looked ashamed. “Well…yeah, I suppose. I just…I didn’t feel anything for her. No love, no…friendship - nothing. It was like…like I didn’t even care about her. When I was crying like that…I didn’t realise it at the time, but I think it was mostly the shock talking. And that scream…oh, God, that scream.” He shuddered. “There’s nothing there, John. There’s nothing there to remind me of her.”
“Do,” John hesitated, trying to think of a way to word this without sounding like a jerk, but the feeling of his fingers running through the young man’s soft hair coupled with his eyes gazing at him was making it very difficult to think. “Do you…can you think why that was?”
“Yes.” There was no hesitation. “When I heard Jack yelling at you, when I realised that he actually could have Retconned you…it just hit me. I’d been living a lie for so long. I’d been fooling myself into thinking that Alison wasn’t really gone. But that was wrong. She was gone a long time ago; I just didn’t want to see it. But I can’t do this any more.”
“Do what?”
“Lie.” Nick leaned closer to John’s face. “I can’t lie any more about…about how I feel…”
As he spoke, his hand edged out of his pocket and slid along the bench where they were sitting to rest in between them both, his eyes never once leaving John’s face.
John started in surprise as his eyes flickered downwards and he realised what he was being offered. He glanced upwards, wanting to be sure he hadn’t misunderstood the signs, and nearly choked when he saw the new intensity in the younger man’s eyes.
“Nick…” he whispered, finding his own hand moving towards the middle of the bench as well. At the same time, he tilted his head forwards, closer and closer, until there was barely a centimeter between them. His breath hitched as their noses gently rubbed together and, a moment later, Nick’s eyes fluttered closed, although the shallow breathing made it clear that he was still perfectly aware of his surroundings.
And then, as the morning sun rose over the bay, bringing a fresh new dawn, their lips finally touched. It was slow and tentative at first, just a soft caress, only as strong as a breath of summer wind. But slowly, almost in time with the rising of the sun, they allowed themselves to relax as the kiss deepened and they finally gave in, John shivering slightly in the cold as he ran his fingers through Nick’s hair.
***
Next Time: John and Nick may have turned a corner, but how will the others feel about this?