Series: Journey: Getting By 1/11
Series: Journey
Title: Getting By
Author: McRaider
Summary: Sometimes it’s all you can do after a tragedy is hold on for your life and pray that nothing else goes wrong. This is the aftermath of Lost Souls and how our fair weathered friends survive the loss of their two team mates and the destruction of pieces of their city.
Author’s Note: Originally, I had not real intentions of touching this point of the story, I was going to fast forward a handful of months-but then I realized so much is going to change and so much is going to hurt for so long. So realistically this is a piece that focuses on the survivors story and how much it can ache to slowly move on.
Rated: PG-13 for now
Disclaimer: I own nothing, no really as of right now the only thing I own is the tiny life in Jack’s womb but even that hasn’t come into existence yet, so I can’t claim her. I own the psychiatrist but as I never name the psychiatrist I can’t really claim such. Torchwood/Doctor Who is not my creation-now if you’d like to see my creation, come back in three or four years!
Thanks: To my lovely betas-
Chapter One
Date: February 9th, 2010
Patient Nate: Ianto A. Jones
Diagnosis: Depression, Anxiety
Purpose: Too many Deaths
I’m sad to say that compared to some-I’m a bit of an expert on death. Some of the things I’ve witnessed, the pain I’ve felt. It all started when I was a little lad, barely knee high, I watched my gemma die. I can remember vividly bidding her goodbye and knowing that I would never see her again. My mam said she’d go to heaven-naturally at the time I had no conception of heaven, but it made sense to me, so I chose not to argue. In 2002, I lost my older sister-well truthfully we lost her long before that, after she ostracized her self from our family before she turned eighteen. I’ll never forget the horrible feeling of walking through the front door to and seeing my mother standing there in the driveway. Carys had come to pick me up, an’ I knew when she picked me up nothing good could come of it. Neither of us spoke, perhaps we were both mourning the loss of a sister we never truly knew. I stepped into the house and moments later found myself breaking down in my mother’s arms. At the time, I’d say my mother was crying over the child she’d lost. Me-I was crying because I’d lost someone I’d never fully known and wished I could have her back.
After that I went three years without loosing someone. It was an excellent feeling, and then in 2006 I lost my girlfriend, Lisa.
Death by Torchwood?
Perhaps-I used to blame Jack for her death-before I realized what he’d been saying was true. She died the day they tried to convert her.
What about Jack?
We’re managing the best we can, truthfully. It’s been nearly four weeks since Gwen and Owen’s passing. It hurts, it physically aches to walk into that office everyday and wander around with coffee-ready to ask them if they want coffee, only to see Jake and Martha, or Mickey an’ Martha sitting in their place. Jack feels it too, in a different way-he’s already been through so much, and he’s suffering the loss of two more people. I guess we’re just doing the best that we can with what we have now.
Is it enough?
Some days-no.
What do you mean?
Well, he an’ I have rows now, more than we used to, don’t get me wrong Jack an’ I fought before Gwen and Owen died. But not like we do now, when we fight now, it’s as if we’re fighting against each other to save each other. I’m not sure that makes sense, but I guess we’re yelling at each other because we don’t know how else to express ourselves at this point. A couple nights ago we had a blow up over what to have for dinner. I s’pose it seems stupid, or maybe it’s more domestic than ever-but something about what’s happened has changed us.
This surprises you?
No-I knew it would change us, something would be wrong with us if it didn’t. I guess, but sometimes I find myself wishing we could go back to Gwen and Owen bein’ alive-Jack an’ I heading in a different direction.
What direction are you headed in now?
I don’t even know anymore. I think he’s scared.
Aren’t you?
Should I be?
You tell me, you’ve survived something most people would be scared from, and here you are, second time after losing people you love, still working for Torchwood. Aren’t you scared?
I’m scared of a lot of things, I’m scared of spiders, I’m scared of pain, I’m scared of-I dunno I’m scared of lots of stuff.
Losing Jack?
Yeah, maybe.
Losing Tosh?
Sometimes.
Losing yourself.
Yeah-I guess I’m scared of all of it. Thing is-Tosh said it best, Torchwood takes up our entire lives, we don’t have anything past those walls. It consumes us, what are we s’posed to do about that!? It’s not like we can walk home and turn off work. I’m datin’ the boss of work-it’s a little hard.
Aren’t you marrying him?
We put the civil partnership on hold for now.
How do you feel about that?
It makes sense now, but-I don’t know, I think that scares me too. I’m afraid he’s going to wake up one mornin’, look at me and say I’m not worth it anymore.
Is he worth it?
Definitely.
You didn’t hesitate there, why? What’s so special about Jack, about your relationship?
He’s just-Jack. It seems so complicated to explain, but it’s simple. I love him.
You still love him, after everything that’s happened?
What is that s’posed to mean?
He killed your girlfriend-
That wasn’t his fault. Jack would die for us-
But he’s immortal.
I know that!
Ianto, relax, I’m making a point here, you’ve sacrificed everything you have for him, an you just said that he’d do anything for you. Jack is scared, but tell me something, after those fights have you two talked about how you feel?
Isn’t that why we’re coming here?
You’re coming here because he told you to, and don’t deny it. You’ve all just suffered some great loses and now every one expects you just to move on. Tell me Ianto, what scares you the most about your relationship with Jack?
That one day I’ll wake up and he won’t be in love with me anymore. Or that suddenly he’ll find someone better.
Isn’t that something most couples suffer?
I don’t know.
Think about it for a little while Ianto, seriously. Does he love you?
I think so.
What makes you think that?
I’m not sure.
Course you are, you wouldn’t have said it if you didn’t believe it. How do you know?
Because-he loves my coffee, because every night-even after fighting, we still come back to one another, and because when Jack looks at me-it’s like I can see the whole universe in his eyes and he’s just aching to give that to me.
Ianto, next week when you come, I’d like Jack to come with you. You’re making progress, and in the past three weeks I’ve already seen some minor improvements, but for starters I want you to be sure about this relationship. Once we get you there, I’d like to work on the medication you’re taking.
I’ve been on the sleep aids for years.
I know that’s what I have a problem with. Ianto, you’re young and vibrant, you should sleep by yourself. Let’s work on getting you off the medication, not cold turkey, just off. Will you agree to bring Jack with you next time?
If he wants to come.
I’ll speak with him tomorrow, don’t worry.
Can I ask one more question?
Certainly.
Does this ever stop hurting? I’ve lost so many people-an’ I’m only going to lose more, is this always going to hurt this bad?
Sometimes it will hurt much more than other times. You’re never going to stop hurting, you’re just going to get used to the hurt. It’s part of losing someone you love. An’ I know you loved Gwen and Owen. Try to live because of them, in memory of them, rather than live after them.
See you next week.
Yes you will, with Jack.
Summary Session: He’s scared, but he’s making great headway, he’s opened up more in the past three weeks than he has with me ever before. I have some concerns about his medication use for sleeping. He also seems concerned, but more concerned with the idea of not taking them anymore. We discussed having his fiancé attending the next time; he seems genuinely interested in getting better.