You know, this
meta on why the AR in SR (g) doesn't work really makes me think that good writing depends on avoiding the generic. ME didn't avoid the generic in Seeing Red. Yes, I know Marti was supposedly modeling this on something that she did herself, but that in itself shows that it's not based on SPIKE and Buffy and what has happened in their
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I like your idea that the Anya interlude would have been springboard enough, if it had been handled better. For example, Buffy could have pretended not to mind, but Spike could have realized how hurt she was really. And since he kind of blundered into the Anya-sex, he might actually think that if he had a soul, he'd know better what to avoid (not that humans reliable avoid such mistakes! :).
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I do think Spike's situation in S6 was a good analog for a lot of women's experiences in unhealthy relationships - which is why I think many women relate to him - but I'm far from confident that this was an intentional decision by the writers. Maybe it is like you said, more a case of writer identification rather than natural evolution for the character. Or put another way, maybe Spike seems like he has a more-or-less consistent arc, because of that writer identification, but Buffy's arc had to be twisted to fit it, because the writer identification wasn't there for her? (Obviously this is projecting a little hard into the heads of the creative staff, but...)
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And if that didn't work, if he couldn't talk her around, if his love wasn't enough-- it would definitely be enough for a dark night of the un-soul. :)
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