Stargate Atlantis Fic: Blue Skies and Ferris Wheels~
Title: Blue Skies and Ferris Wheels
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Pairing: John/Rodney
Warnings: None, worksafe.
Spoilers: Season 5, episode 6, The Shrine
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~5300
Summary: John has a bad habit of not realizing what he wants until someone else gets it.
Notes: So this came about because I was a lot >_> little distraught after watching the end of The Shrine, and my brain needed another explanation. ^_~ It also gave me a good excuse to try writing from John’s POV, which was fun. :) Anyway. I’m still very much new to writing these guys, so comments and thoughts would be greatly appreciated. :)
Also, many, many thanks to hitome_bore for the awesome beta. <333
(x-posted to mckay_sheppard)
John is so happy, so undeniably happy to have Rodney back after the whole memory loss thing, that he just kind of floats around on cloud nine for a while, enjoying Rodney’s company, enjoying the team dynamic, enjoying the fact that this week, he doesn’t have to watch as his closest friend forgets everything and everyone he’s ever known, while he’s forced to sit back and do nothing but watch every agonizing second of it.
It’s a good week or so before he comes back down to the point where he can really think about things again.
He’s lying there on his back in his quarters, trying to unwind a little, the stiff military-issue mattress under his back somehow offering him more comfort than it should, though he still can’t quite relax. Rodney thinks he’s crazy, but he really does sleep better on this than the plush king-sized hotel beds back on Earth.
He’s thinking blue skies and ferris wheels, but his mind is a mess right now-thoughts jumbling around, and around, mixed up with bits and pieces of the last few weeks, but nothing’s really taking hold.
There are a lot of things that John has come to realize recently--things about himself, things that he realizes now that he’s been denying, and pushing away for years, things he thought could wait forever, and then suddenly they couldn’t wait another second and even then he still couldn’t do anything but watch Rodney slip away from him… It’s kind of a lot to take in and process, given all that’s happened.
This whole thing is almost comical too, when he thinks about it in context. Kind of like how in high school, he never realized how utterly cool, and amazing, and beautiful Jessica Stachlewitz was--the girl he’d spent months staring at across a chess board every afternoon after school--until he walked in on her making out with his best friend behind the bleachers after a football game. That had been pretty devastating. And he hadn’t seen it coming at all.
This though? Well, he kind of had seen this coming, so he figures he really doesn’t have much of an excuse this time around.
He realizes now that it had started pretty early on, this thing for Rodney. At first he’d been intrigued, and a little amused by Rodney’s blatant disregard for, well, anything, and anyone, when he was working. He liked watching Rodney work too, liked watching him figure things out, loved it when Rodney saved his ass, and loved it even more when he saved the city time and time again, showing a lot more bravery under pressure than John had given him credit for at first.
And of course, there was the fact that they just kind of clicked. Rodney had stopped his asshole act with John pretty much as soon as he realized John was actually not an idiot, and after a while, John had started to open up a little. He’d started to think of Rodney as a true friend, and John had sworn he would never do that again after what had happened in Afghanistan, and the whole losing everything bit, but somehow Rodney had him convinced that there was nothing he couldn’t figure out, nothing he couldn’t fix, and so John had started to feel a little, well, safe, around him. Which was crazy, of course, alien galaxy with countless threats and daily brushes with death and all, but… It made a weird kind of sense to John.
The physical attraction, and the ridiculously overwhelming teenage crush had come somewhere in between all of that.
But then there was so much stuff that happened, all the time, and days became weeks, became months, became years and it really wasn’t until Jennifer showed him Rodney’s videotape, not until he’d heard those three little words come out of Rodney’s mouth, that he realized it completely for what it was.
And while it was great and all for John to finally realize, and finally be able to admit to himself that he’d been in love with his best friend for probably a few years now, it was not-so-great at the same time, because well, Rodney had just fallen in love, and it wasn’t with him. That, and the fact that at the time, he thought Rodney had a few days to live at most.
Not John’s favorite moment of the past few weeks, not by a long shot.
In fact, devastating really didn’t even begin to describe it.
He’d forced himself not to think about it though, any of it, because he’d be damned if he was going to be anything other than Rodney’s friend in those last days. What he’d thought were the last days.
But they hadn’t been, and so here he was.
He knows he has to let this go, to let Rodney be happy, to be happy for him, for his friend, but logic isn’t really all it’s cracked up to be, as it turns out. He’s not even really sure what it is that he wants anymore. Other than maybe to just be able to go back.
Back to how it was before this, when he could close his eyes without seeing Rodney’s face, lying there in that cave, cut open and dying, his life in the hands of someone that wasn’t John, or to a time when he could look at Rodney and Keller in the same room together without wanting to pick up a chair and hurl it across the room at them, when he could really be Rodney’s friend without everything else he was feeling sitting right there on the surface, muddling everything up.
He’s thinking about going for a run to clear his head when someone knocks on his door, loudly.
There’s only one person who would knock on his door this late rather than use the radio. John sighs, wondering, not for the first time, how Rodney’s timing manages to be so consistently terrible all the time.
“John, it’s me, open up.”
“What’s up?” John asks, leaning on the wall next to the door panel as Rodney strides past him to edge of John’s bed, where he sits down, and sighs.
John grabs a chair, moves it over to the bed so he’s facing Rodney, and raises his eyebrows. Rodney studies him for a moment.
“Are you okay? You look like crap,” Rodney says, narrowing his eyes.
“I’m fine, thanks for asking.” John smiles, trying his best to radiate his usual calm. “So, what’s up?”
Rodney studies him for another moment before he shrugs, and gets to the point. “It’s nothing really, it’s just that I… Well, I think I might have, um, said something to Jennifer when I was,” he waves his hand in the air in front of them, “you know, like that, and well… I think I might have made a mistake.”
“Really?” John asks in mock-surprise. “You?”
“Yes, yes, I know, it’s hard to wrap the mind around, but it’s been known to happen occasionally.” Rodney pauses. “And this, well, it wasn’t so much of a mistake, really, but I think maybe I might have been rushing things a little, I mean, I thought I was dying, and so… I might have said something that I wasn’t really sure about. Yet.”
“And that would be?”
Rodney looks embarrassed. “I told her, well, you know. I said that I loved her.” Rodney sighs and lowers his head. “God, I’m an idiot.”
“Yeah, actually, I know.”
Rodney rolls his eyes. “Thank you. I’m so glad I came over here. Thank you so much for caring.”
“I mean,” John clarifies, meeting Rodney’s eyes for a second. “I know about the video.”
“What? How--”
“She showed it to me.” Rodney continues to look shocked as John goes on. “Long story. You were dying, remember? Anyway. So, what, you didn’t mean it?”
“I don’t know, okay. I wasn’t exactly in the best state of mind then, you know? I think I was trying to be nice. Leave a good impression.”
“Huh.”
“Thank you. Really,” Rodney says sarcastically. “That’s great advice.”
John clears his throat. He really didn’t mean for that to sound so… the way it sounded. “I’m just saying that you probably shouldn’t say that sort of thing unless, you know, you mean it. Dying or not.”
“Oh come on, as if you’ve never said it to a woman when you didn’t mean it.”
John shrugs, noncommittal.
“Don’t lie,” Rodney challenges, pointing a finger at John and looking sure of himself. “You know you suck at lying.”
“Okay, fine, maybe. So what?”
“Ha! I knew it.” Rodney smiles triumphantly, and then sighs. “And I mean, I don’t want to take it back necessarily. I like her, you know, and she’s really nice, and-“
“Rodney.”
“What?”
It’s weird sometimes, how easy it is, letting all this stuff just roll right off of him. Other times, not so much, but right now, it’s like a switch has been flipped--all he really wants to do is make Rodney feel better, give him confidence. It’s weird. Makes him feel a little crazy, too, but whatever.
“Why don’t you just relax and see what happens?” he says to Rodney, his voice calm and even. “She likes you, right? So just relax, let it work itself out.”
Rodney stares at him for a moment. He blinks. “Yeah, I guess I could do that.” And he’s standing now, and smiling a little, a man with a plan.
John smiles back easily.
“You’ll figure it out,” he assures Rodney, standing up, and walking Rodney to the door. “It’ll be fine. And Keller knows the situation too. It’s not like she’s going to be jumping to any wild conclusions about something you said when you were half-dead, right?”
Rodney gives him a strange look, and then sighs again. “Yeah, I’m sure you’re probably right, I just… I get nervous with stuff like this, and Jennifer she’s… She’s way better than I usually manage to-“
John claps a hand on Rodney’s shoulder, ignoring the way it makes his stomach flip over a little. “You’ll be fine. She’s a nice girl. And you’re a good guy.”
Rodney stares at him for a moment, and then smiles. “Thanks. And uh, sorry. For bothering you. I know it’s late.”
John shakes his head. “It’s fine. Get some sleep.”
John sighs, as the door swishes shut, leaving him alone again, and tries to look at the bright side. At least Rodney hadn’t meant it. Yet. And at least John had managed not to embarrass himself, or say anything too stupid. He figures he should count himself lucky for that.
He also figures he’ll go for that run now, before his brain takes over again, because he’s pretty sure he’s had about all he can take of thinking for tonight.
**
The next time Rodney barges into his room after hours, John isn’t feeling quite so lucky.
He’s aware of the fact that this may have something to do with the six pack of beer he opened earlier-the last one he’d managed to bring back from earth on their last trip home-but hey, hindsight is 20-20, right? John knows that this is true, and not just one of those stupid things people say to sound cool, because he’s actually learned a little about hindsight over the past few days.
Because, well, it’s possible that there are a few things he would do differently, if he could go back, a few things that may have something to do with Rodney, and being a good, supportive friend, and about Rodney and Keller, and being able to deal with knowing that they’re… Well, that whatever is going on is going on...or not, John really doesn’t know, doesn’t want to know, would rather not talk to Rodney at all than have to talk to Rodney about Keller, would rather not see Rodney at all than see Rodney with Keller, and so, well…
Bottom line, John isn’t all that prepared for an angry, irrational Rodney tonight, and the alcohol isn’t helping.
Rodney eyes the empty cans on the floor next to John’s bed, and fixes him with a disapproving look, which John shrugs off, maybe a little less easily than usual. He’s about to ask Rodney what’s up, but Rodney doesn’t really seem to be wasting any time, so John decides to just wait for it. He lowers himself into a chair, and Rodney just stands there, staring down at him, his eyes wide and angry.
“Are you jealous of my relationship with Jennifer?”
John is so utterly unprepared for this question, it leaves him speechless. Which he suspects Rodney mistakes for his normal lack of verbosity, and which of course makes Rodney even madder.
“Okay, this is not something that you can get away with not answering me on either, so you can wipe that stupid look off your face, alright? I need you to--” Rodney stops, glares at John. “You need to answer me.”
John plays dumb. “So you two are in a relationship now? Congratulations.”
Rodney sneers. “Very funny. And you haven’t answered me. Are. You. Jealous?” Rodney asks him slowly, as if he’s speaking to an idiot. “Is that why you’ve been acting like this lately?”
John stares at him. “I’m not jealous, Rodney. I’m happy for you.”
“Well that would explain why you’ve been avoiding me, and why you look at me as if I’ve done something wrong every time I mention her name.”
“I never meant to--” John stops himself, because suddenly everything he can think of saying to this seems like a bad idea. “Sorry. I don’t know what to say.”
“Yeah, of course you don’t know what to say, big surprise there.” Rodney glares at him. “You know, you have no reason to be jealous. You being jealous of me is about the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. Plus, it’s just weird. You know you could have anyone you wanted.”
Okay, that hurts more than it should. And John is sure that this is written right across his face.
Rodney gasps. “Oh my god. You… You… I can’t believe you!”
John’s face quickly changes to confusion. “What?”
“I can’t believe I didn’t see it before! You… You want her, don’t you? That’s why you’re acting like this! Even though you’ve had, like, a million opportunities to-" Rodney shakes his head. “Well, sorry, this one’s mine, okay?”
John’s wonders if his chest is sinking in on itself, because suddenly breathing has gotten a lot more difficult. He feels a little like screaming and running out of the room too, though this hardly seems like an appropriate reaction.
Instead, he just stands up, and looks Rodney in the face, trying to tell him how wrong he is with his eyes, because the words just aren’t coming, but Rodney is staring back at him as if he doesn’t even know him, as he spits out, “Well, I’m surprised you haven’t made your move yet. You know she’d choose you over me in a heartbeat, so I really don’t know what the hell you’re waiting for.”
John just stares at him, as the ground seems to waver a little under his feet, and his stomach drops into his toes.
“You’re a real jerk sometimes, you know that?”
It takes John a second, but eventually he finds his voice. “Yeah, so I’ve been told before,” he manages.
Rodney looks for a moment like he wants to hit him, and then his face turns icy cold.
“Well, this was interesting. Thanks for, um, clearing all that up. And for being such a great friend all this time. You know, I really--” Rodney stops himself, glaring at John with something like disgust on his face. “Never mind.”
“Rodney,” John tries, not sure what he’s going to say, but reaching out for Rodney’s arm instinctively anyway.
Rodney flinches away from him-he looks infuriated that John is speaking to him. “Stay away from me,” he grinds out before he turns on his heel and walks out of John’s quarters.
**
Because John is, apparently, a complete idiot who enjoys torturing himself and everyone around him, he waits three days before approaching Rodney’s quarters after their weekly staff meeting. It’s just before lunch, so John figures he’ll have an easy out if this all goes south quickly.
He’s decided though, that he really has no choice but to just come clean with all of it. He can’t in good conscience let Rodney think he’s after Jennifer. And he can’t really do his job, or be Rodney’s friend properly with this hanging over his head either. Avoiding Rodney doesn’t work, at all, and so maybe if he just lets it out in the open, it will be easier to let it go, easier to get back to where he was before. This will be, of course, easier said than done, but John feels like he doesn’t really have a choice.
Rodney’s been polite but cool since their conversation a few nights ago, and a polite Rodney kind of freaks John out, not to mention the rest of his team, who have been walking on eggshells around them lately, even if they pretend not to notice what’s going on. The only choice he has is to tell Rodney the truth. Well, as much of the truth as he can manage, anyway. How he’d reacted to this whole Keller thing--how he was reacting right now--was unprofessional, if nothing else. He recognizes this, and so he knows he has to fix it. If he thinks about it in practical terms like this, it feels almost businesslike. John can do businesslike. Maybe he can make this work after all.
He’s surprisingly calm as he knocks on Rodney’s door.
“I’m busy,” is the response he gets through the closed door.
“I know. I’ll make it quick.”
“No.”
“Rodney, come on. I need to talk to you.”
“Don’t care.”
“Look,” John starts calmly. “It’s almost lunchtime and if you don’t let me in, I’m going to stand out here until you come out, and we’re going to have this conversation on the way to the mess hall. But I’d rather talk in private, so…”
He hears Rodney sigh, and shuffle to the door.
“Fine. What.”
John pushes past him. He closes his eyes, listens as the door swishes shut, counts to three.
“You misunderstood me the other night.”
“Oh, did I?” Rodney stalks over, raises his chin, and looks John in the eye. “I don’t think so.”
“Well, I’m telling you, you misunderstood. I’m not interested in Jennifer.”
“Right. You’re interested in every other beautiful woman in the galaxy, but somehow you’re not interested in Jennifer? I’ll believe that when I see it. And by that I mean when you stop acting like a jealous teenager every time we’re all in the same room together.”
John swallows. “About that.”
“What?” Rodney snaps. “I thought you weren’t jealous. I thought you weren’t interested.”
“I’m not.” John hesitates, because it feels like a lie, even though it isn’t, technically.
“See!” Rodney points a finger at him. “You’re such a bad, bad liar, Sheppard. You should really just give it up already.”
“That’s what I’m trying to do, if you’d shut up for a second, okay?”
John is somewhat encouraged by the fact that Rodney actually doesn’t say anything else, and just stands there, glaring at him.
“I know I’ve been acting a little… off lately, about this thing with Keller.”
Rodney is still quiet, somehow, and John figures he’ll probably never get this opportunity again, so he should probably just get to the point.
“Look,” he starts. “We’ve got a good thing going. We’re friends, right? And I’m not trying to get in your way, hell, I’m trying to be happy for you!” He forces himself to keep going, even though Rodney’s looking at him as if he’s lost his mind. “It’s just… There are some things, stuff that I- I’m pretty good about pushing it away, but I know that lately I haven’t been doing a very good job. I’ve been letting this stuff get in the way, and I’m really sorry about that. And so I’m just saying you don’t have to worry. We’re cool.”
There’s a long moment of silence where Rodney stares at John, and then past him for a few seconds, before he shakes his head. “Wait, what? That made absolutely no sense!”
John hunches his shoulders and glares. ”Rodney…”
“No, no. You don’t get to play Mr. Abstract this time. Things? Stuff? What are you, fifteen?”
“Jesus.” John draws a hand over his face, noontime stubble scratching his palm. “Look. I’m saying it’s not going to be a problem anymore, okay? I’ve been acting like an idiot and it’s not fair to you, so… let’s just drop it.”
Rodney studies him for a moment, arms crossed. John glances up, and something flickers in Rodney’s eyes, but John ignores it, has to ignore it.
“Wait, you mean feelings,” Rodney states quietly. He stares at John, looking curious, but oddly not surprised. “What kind of feelings?”
John takes a deep breath. Of course Rodney wouldn’t just let this go. “Look. I’m not telling you this because I want to, so do you think we could skip the embarrassing details?”
“What kind of feelings, John. Tell me.”
John is starting to feel a little light-headed. “I can’t. I’m sorry.”
“What do you mean you can’t? You just did. Oh, wait, you’re just going to let it go like that? Tell me you have these feelings and then not tell me what they are?”
John just stares at Rodney. His powers of judgment are pretty much shot right now, but he can’t deny the thoughts running though his head. Stupid, ridiculous things like what if Rodney’s okay with this, what if he feels the same way, what if there’s a chance? And these are all things that John just can’t think about. Not about a senior member of his team. Not while in another galaxy. And definitely not while serving as commanding military officer of this expedition.
It’s hard though, with Rodney looking at him like this, his eyes bright and curious, like when he’s discovered something really cool in the ancient database. John swallows.
“Do you mind if I…” John asks, already moving to sit down on the edge of Rodney’s bed. Rodney’s staring down at him, but the light in his eyes is moving, fading-this moment won’t last forever, maybe won’t even last in the time it takes John to figure out how best to say this. So he just says the first thing that comes to mind.
“You know you’re crazy if you think Keller would choose me over you.”
Rodney blinks, rolls his eyes. “Right, because women generally overlook the ridiculously good looking, ridiculously nice guys for the assholes with receding hairlines, right?”
John ignores this. “Because you’re a great guy, Rodney. Because you’re smarter than everyone I’ve ever known, and because you’re 100% Rodney all the time. You never compromise, ever. You know who you are. And you’re not an asshole, no matter how hard you try to convince me.”
Rodney is surprisingly quiet, and John is grateful, because otherwise, he’s not sure he’d be able to keep going.
“When you were sick, I… I really didn’t think I was going to come out of it okay. Losing you became the thing I feared most. The thing I knew would tear me apart to the point where I wouldn’t be able to come back in one piece. It was pretty scary. To find out that you meant that much to me.”
Rodney blinks, takes a few steps forward, sits down next to John on the bed, a respectable distance away, but John swears he can feel a little heat radiating from his direction anyway.
“So that’s how you feel.” Rodney says after a moment, staring forward. “And wait, you…that whole time… You were talking about your feelings for me?”
“Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you just say something?”
“You’re my friend,” John says. “And besides, things like this never end well. I wanted us to end well. Still do.”
“And you never thought there might be another possibility?”
“What, like you punching me in the face, never speaking to me again? Sure. I thought about that too.”
“You never considered the possibility that I might just understand?”
“I never thought you wouldn’t understand, but-“
Rodney rolls his eyes. “Can you please shut up? God, you are such an idiot.”
John is about to protest this, on principle, but suddenly his throat is dry and he thinks he may have stopped breathing, because Rodney’s fingers are ghosting along his jaw line, picking up pressure as they go until Rodney’s palm is pressed against the back of his neck, pulling their faces together and he can feel Rodney’s breath against his nose, against his lips.
And then Rodney’s lips are against his--the pressure is soft at first, hesitant, but then Rodney starts to really kiss him, starts to part the seam of John’s lips with his tongue, and John feels the heat inside him start to rise, and it’s like a shot of adrenaline, straight to his heart. Rodney locates John’s tongue quickly, and sucks on it, gently at first and then urgently, desperately.
And then everything happens so fast that John barely has time to process the sensations-the taste of Rodney’s mouth, of coffee and something sweet under all of it, and the slick wetness of Rodney’s tongue as it explores his mouth. Rodney’s teeth, nipping at the corners of his lips, and Rodney’s hands cradling his neck, warm and solid. John’s hands on Rodney’s shoulders, snaking down his back, feeling the warm skin under Rodney’s thin t-shirt tremble a little under his fingers, and then feeling Rodney’s back arch a little when he lets his hands linger at Rodney’s waist, just above the top of his pants. Rodney moans a little into the kiss then too, and everything turns a little more urgent for a few moments, before John has no choice but to break away to try to catch his breath.
It takes him a moment, and for a second the energy between them is so super-charged, John feels like he should be able to reach out and touch it. It fades quickly though, as Rodney moves his hands from John’s neck, and leans away, running his hands over his face. The sudden loss of contact hits John like a punch to the gut, and he finds himself reaching for Rodney’s shoulder.
“I’m sorry, I-“
“What the hell are you sorry for?” Rodney snaps. “I kissed you! And besides, it was good, right?”
“You thought it was good?”
Rodney gives him a look that’s usually reserved for members of his science team, generally when they question something really, really obvious.
“That was you I was kissing just now, right?” Rodney deadpans. “Are we on the same planet here? Same dimension and everything?”
John laughs a little at that.
“Geez, if that wasn’t good, I don’t think I want to know what Chaya did to you after all.”
John ignores the Chaya comment. “Of course it was good, Rodney, but…”
“But you thought it wouldn’t be good for me too? Are you crazy?”
John blinks. “You’re straight.”
“So?”
“So… well…” John sighs, frustrated. “I don’t know, okay? I’m a little confused here.”
“What does it matter if I’m straight or not when it’s you, John?”
And then Rodney is kissing him again, and it’s a little slower than the first time, which somehow makes it a lot scarier. It’s a bit harder to write a slow, tender, gentle kiss like this off as in-the-heat-of-the-moment lust, John figures. He’s scared, John realizes, really, really scared. He doesn’t want to be scared though, he just wants to enjoy this, so after a moment he just loses himself in the kiss, in Rodney. In the taste of Rodney, the smell, the stubble on his lips, and the movement of his tongue, the sensation of Rodney’s fingers trailing along the nape of his neck… After a minute or two, they both pull away, staring at each other for a long, long moment.
“Wow,” Rodney finally says.
John nods, still a little breathless. “Yeah.”
“It’s you.”
“Yep.”
“That’s so weird.”
“I know.”
And then they’re both laughing, and it feels like nothing, and everything has changed, and John’s ribs hurt, he’s laughing so hard, and his lips can still feel the weight of Rodney all over them, and he can still taste the kiss, and John thinks, for a second, that this may be the happiest he’s ever been. In this world, this galaxy, with this person who shouldn’t understand, but who somehow understands everything perfectly, maybe even better than he does.
In this moment John isn’t thinking the millions of things he probably should be thinking-what this means, for him, for Rodney, for Keller, he’s not thinking of how it will play out in the long run, or whether or not he’ll get burned, again, or what this will mean for his career, or Rodney’s, or if they can even make something like this work in the first place. Right now, he’s enjoying the best laugh he’s had in a long time, with the best friend he’s had in a lifetime.
And he’s okay with it, all of it.
**
“You know,” Rodney says a while later, over a late lunch in the mess hall, as he grabs a cup of chocolate pudding from the corner of John’s tray. “I don’t remember much from when I was sick, but you--” He points at John across the table, eyes shining mischievously. “Were you there, like, all the time, or what?”
“Maybe?” John offers noncommittally.
“Don’t you have a job?”
“They gave me some time off, okay?”
“Right. I hear they’re really big on time off here in the Pegasus galaxy.”
“So what if I had to beg a little for it? Point is, they gave it to me, and I was there,” John says evenly.
Rodney smiles a little. “You talked to me too, didn’t you. Told me your whole life story, I bet.”
“Shut up, McKay.”
“You know, someday I’m going to get all those memories back and if you think for a second that I’m going to let you-“
“Rodney,” John warns.
“I know, I know, I was dying.” Rodney grins. “Still. I didn’t know you could talk for that long.”
John smiles innocently. “Well, you know me, Rodney. I’m full of surprises.”
“I’ll say,” Rodney says around a spoonful of pudding, and kicks John under the table.
John can’t help but grin a little wider at him. “Believe me, you don’t know the half of it.”
***
Fandom: Stargate Atlantis
Pairing: John/Rodney
Warnings: None, worksafe.
Spoilers: Season 5, episode 6, The Shrine
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: ~5300
Summary: John has a bad habit of not realizing what he wants until someone else gets it.
Notes: So this came about because I was a lot >_> little distraught after watching the end of The Shrine, and my brain needed another explanation. ^_~ It also gave me a good excuse to try writing from John’s POV, which was fun. :) Anyway. I’m still very much new to writing these guys, so comments and thoughts would be greatly appreciated. :)
Also, many, many thanks to hitome_bore for the awesome beta. <333
(x-posted to mckay_sheppard)
John is so happy, so undeniably happy to have Rodney back after the whole memory loss thing, that he just kind of floats around on cloud nine for a while, enjoying Rodney’s company, enjoying the team dynamic, enjoying the fact that this week, he doesn’t have to watch as his closest friend forgets everything and everyone he’s ever known, while he’s forced to sit back and do nothing but watch every agonizing second of it.
It’s a good week or so before he comes back down to the point where he can really think about things again.
He’s lying there on his back in his quarters, trying to unwind a little, the stiff military-issue mattress under his back somehow offering him more comfort than it should, though he still can’t quite relax. Rodney thinks he’s crazy, but he really does sleep better on this than the plush king-sized hotel beds back on Earth.
He’s thinking blue skies and ferris wheels, but his mind is a mess right now-thoughts jumbling around, and around, mixed up with bits and pieces of the last few weeks, but nothing’s really taking hold.
There are a lot of things that John has come to realize recently--things about himself, things that he realizes now that he’s been denying, and pushing away for years, things he thought could wait forever, and then suddenly they couldn’t wait another second and even then he still couldn’t do anything but watch Rodney slip away from him… It’s kind of a lot to take in and process, given all that’s happened.
This whole thing is almost comical too, when he thinks about it in context. Kind of like how in high school, he never realized how utterly cool, and amazing, and beautiful Jessica Stachlewitz was--the girl he’d spent months staring at across a chess board every afternoon after school--until he walked in on her making out with his best friend behind the bleachers after a football game. That had been pretty devastating. And he hadn’t seen it coming at all.
This though? Well, he kind of had seen this coming, so he figures he really doesn’t have much of an excuse this time around.
He realizes now that it had started pretty early on, this thing for Rodney. At first he’d been intrigued, and a little amused by Rodney’s blatant disregard for, well, anything, and anyone, when he was working. He liked watching Rodney work too, liked watching him figure things out, loved it when Rodney saved his ass, and loved it even more when he saved the city time and time again, showing a lot more bravery under pressure than John had given him credit for at first.
And of course, there was the fact that they just kind of clicked. Rodney had stopped his asshole act with John pretty much as soon as he realized John was actually not an idiot, and after a while, John had started to open up a little. He’d started to think of Rodney as a true friend, and John had sworn he would never do that again after what had happened in Afghanistan, and the whole losing everything bit, but somehow Rodney had him convinced that there was nothing he couldn’t figure out, nothing he couldn’t fix, and so John had started to feel a little, well, safe, around him. Which was crazy, of course, alien galaxy with countless threats and daily brushes with death and all, but… It made a weird kind of sense to John.
The physical attraction, and the ridiculously overwhelming teenage crush had come somewhere in between all of that.
But then there was so much stuff that happened, all the time, and days became weeks, became months, became years and it really wasn’t until Jennifer showed him Rodney’s videotape, not until he’d heard those three little words come out of Rodney’s mouth, that he realized it completely for what it was.
And while it was great and all for John to finally realize, and finally be able to admit to himself that he’d been in love with his best friend for probably a few years now, it was not-so-great at the same time, because well, Rodney had just fallen in love, and it wasn’t with him. That, and the fact that at the time, he thought Rodney had a few days to live at most.
Not John’s favorite moment of the past few weeks, not by a long shot.
In fact, devastating really didn’t even begin to describe it.
He’d forced himself not to think about it though, any of it, because he’d be damned if he was going to be anything other than Rodney’s friend in those last days. What he’d thought were the last days.
But they hadn’t been, and so here he was.
He knows he has to let this go, to let Rodney be happy, to be happy for him, for his friend, but logic isn’t really all it’s cracked up to be, as it turns out. He’s not even really sure what it is that he wants anymore. Other than maybe to just be able to go back.
Back to how it was before this, when he could close his eyes without seeing Rodney’s face, lying there in that cave, cut open and dying, his life in the hands of someone that wasn’t John, or to a time when he could look at Rodney and Keller in the same room together without wanting to pick up a chair and hurl it across the room at them, when he could really be Rodney’s friend without everything else he was feeling sitting right there on the surface, muddling everything up.
He’s thinking about going for a run to clear his head when someone knocks on his door, loudly.
There’s only one person who would knock on his door this late rather than use the radio. John sighs, wondering, not for the first time, how Rodney’s timing manages to be so consistently terrible all the time.
“John, it’s me, open up.”
“What’s up?” John asks, leaning on the wall next to the door panel as Rodney strides past him to edge of John’s bed, where he sits down, and sighs.
John grabs a chair, moves it over to the bed so he’s facing Rodney, and raises his eyebrows. Rodney studies him for a moment.
“Are you okay? You look like crap,” Rodney says, narrowing his eyes.
“I’m fine, thanks for asking.” John smiles, trying his best to radiate his usual calm. “So, what’s up?”
Rodney studies him for another moment before he shrugs, and gets to the point. “It’s nothing really, it’s just that I… Well, I think I might have, um, said something to Jennifer when I was,” he waves his hand in the air in front of them, “you know, like that, and well… I think I might have made a mistake.”
“Really?” John asks in mock-surprise. “You?”
“Yes, yes, I know, it’s hard to wrap the mind around, but it’s been known to happen occasionally.” Rodney pauses. “And this, well, it wasn’t so much of a mistake, really, but I think maybe I might have been rushing things a little, I mean, I thought I was dying, and so… I might have said something that I wasn’t really sure about. Yet.”
“And that would be?”
Rodney looks embarrassed. “I told her, well, you know. I said that I loved her.” Rodney sighs and lowers his head. “God, I’m an idiot.”
“Yeah, actually, I know.”
Rodney rolls his eyes. “Thank you. I’m so glad I came over here. Thank you so much for caring.”
“I mean,” John clarifies, meeting Rodney’s eyes for a second. “I know about the video.”
“What? How--”
“She showed it to me.” Rodney continues to look shocked as John goes on. “Long story. You were dying, remember? Anyway. So, what, you didn’t mean it?”
“I don’t know, okay. I wasn’t exactly in the best state of mind then, you know? I think I was trying to be nice. Leave a good impression.”
“Huh.”
“Thank you. Really,” Rodney says sarcastically. “That’s great advice.”
John clears his throat. He really didn’t mean for that to sound so… the way it sounded. “I’m just saying that you probably shouldn’t say that sort of thing unless, you know, you mean it. Dying or not.”
“Oh come on, as if you’ve never said it to a woman when you didn’t mean it.”
John shrugs, noncommittal.
“Don’t lie,” Rodney challenges, pointing a finger at John and looking sure of himself. “You know you suck at lying.”
“Okay, fine, maybe. So what?”
“Ha! I knew it.” Rodney smiles triumphantly, and then sighs. “And I mean, I don’t want to take it back necessarily. I like her, you know, and she’s really nice, and-“
“Rodney.”
“What?”
It’s weird sometimes, how easy it is, letting all this stuff just roll right off of him. Other times, not so much, but right now, it’s like a switch has been flipped--all he really wants to do is make Rodney feel better, give him confidence. It’s weird. Makes him feel a little crazy, too, but whatever.
“Why don’t you just relax and see what happens?” he says to Rodney, his voice calm and even. “She likes you, right? So just relax, let it work itself out.”
Rodney stares at him for a moment. He blinks. “Yeah, I guess I could do that.” And he’s standing now, and smiling a little, a man with a plan.
John smiles back easily.
“You’ll figure it out,” he assures Rodney, standing up, and walking Rodney to the door. “It’ll be fine. And Keller knows the situation too. It’s not like she’s going to be jumping to any wild conclusions about something you said when you were half-dead, right?”
Rodney gives him a strange look, and then sighs again. “Yeah, I’m sure you’re probably right, I just… I get nervous with stuff like this, and Jennifer she’s… She’s way better than I usually manage to-“
John claps a hand on Rodney’s shoulder, ignoring the way it makes his stomach flip over a little. “You’ll be fine. She’s a nice girl. And you’re a good guy.”
Rodney stares at him for a moment, and then smiles. “Thanks. And uh, sorry. For bothering you. I know it’s late.”
John shakes his head. “It’s fine. Get some sleep.”
John sighs, as the door swishes shut, leaving him alone again, and tries to look at the bright side. At least Rodney hadn’t meant it. Yet. And at least John had managed not to embarrass himself, or say anything too stupid. He figures he should count himself lucky for that.
He also figures he’ll go for that run now, before his brain takes over again, because he’s pretty sure he’s had about all he can take of thinking for tonight.
**
The next time Rodney barges into his room after hours, John isn’t feeling quite so lucky.
He’s aware of the fact that this may have something to do with the six pack of beer he opened earlier-the last one he’d managed to bring back from earth on their last trip home-but hey, hindsight is 20-20, right? John knows that this is true, and not just one of those stupid things people say to sound cool, because he’s actually learned a little about hindsight over the past few days.
Because, well, it’s possible that there are a few things he would do differently, if he could go back, a few things that may have something to do with Rodney, and being a good, supportive friend, and about Rodney and Keller, and being able to deal with knowing that they’re… Well, that whatever is going on is going on...or not, John really doesn’t know, doesn’t want to know, would rather not talk to Rodney at all than have to talk to Rodney about Keller, would rather not see Rodney at all than see Rodney with Keller, and so, well…
Bottom line, John isn’t all that prepared for an angry, irrational Rodney tonight, and the alcohol isn’t helping.
Rodney eyes the empty cans on the floor next to John’s bed, and fixes him with a disapproving look, which John shrugs off, maybe a little less easily than usual. He’s about to ask Rodney what’s up, but Rodney doesn’t really seem to be wasting any time, so John decides to just wait for it. He lowers himself into a chair, and Rodney just stands there, staring down at him, his eyes wide and angry.
“Are you jealous of my relationship with Jennifer?”
John is so utterly unprepared for this question, it leaves him speechless. Which he suspects Rodney mistakes for his normal lack of verbosity, and which of course makes Rodney even madder.
“Okay, this is not something that you can get away with not answering me on either, so you can wipe that stupid look off your face, alright? I need you to--” Rodney stops, glares at John. “You need to answer me.”
John plays dumb. “So you two are in a relationship now? Congratulations.”
Rodney sneers. “Very funny. And you haven’t answered me. Are. You. Jealous?” Rodney asks him slowly, as if he’s speaking to an idiot. “Is that why you’ve been acting like this lately?”
John stares at him. “I’m not jealous, Rodney. I’m happy for you.”
“Well that would explain why you’ve been avoiding me, and why you look at me as if I’ve done something wrong every time I mention her name.”
“I never meant to--” John stops himself, because suddenly everything he can think of saying to this seems like a bad idea. “Sorry. I don’t know what to say.”
“Yeah, of course you don’t know what to say, big surprise there.” Rodney glares at him. “You know, you have no reason to be jealous. You being jealous of me is about the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard of. Plus, it’s just weird. You know you could have anyone you wanted.”
Okay, that hurts more than it should. And John is sure that this is written right across his face.
Rodney gasps. “Oh my god. You… You… I can’t believe you!”
John’s face quickly changes to confusion. “What?”
“I can’t believe I didn’t see it before! You… You want her, don’t you? That’s why you’re acting like this! Even though you’ve had, like, a million opportunities to-" Rodney shakes his head. “Well, sorry, this one’s mine, okay?”
John’s wonders if his chest is sinking in on itself, because suddenly breathing has gotten a lot more difficult. He feels a little like screaming and running out of the room too, though this hardly seems like an appropriate reaction.
Instead, he just stands up, and looks Rodney in the face, trying to tell him how wrong he is with his eyes, because the words just aren’t coming, but Rodney is staring back at him as if he doesn’t even know him, as he spits out, “Well, I’m surprised you haven’t made your move yet. You know she’d choose you over me in a heartbeat, so I really don’t know what the hell you’re waiting for.”
John just stares at him, as the ground seems to waver a little under his feet, and his stomach drops into his toes.
“You’re a real jerk sometimes, you know that?”
It takes John a second, but eventually he finds his voice. “Yeah, so I’ve been told before,” he manages.
Rodney looks for a moment like he wants to hit him, and then his face turns icy cold.
“Well, this was interesting. Thanks for, um, clearing all that up. And for being such a great friend all this time. You know, I really--” Rodney stops himself, glaring at John with something like disgust on his face. “Never mind.”
“Rodney,” John tries, not sure what he’s going to say, but reaching out for Rodney’s arm instinctively anyway.
Rodney flinches away from him-he looks infuriated that John is speaking to him. “Stay away from me,” he grinds out before he turns on his heel and walks out of John’s quarters.
**
Because John is, apparently, a complete idiot who enjoys torturing himself and everyone around him, he waits three days before approaching Rodney’s quarters after their weekly staff meeting. It’s just before lunch, so John figures he’ll have an easy out if this all goes south quickly.
He’s decided though, that he really has no choice but to just come clean with all of it. He can’t in good conscience let Rodney think he’s after Jennifer. And he can’t really do his job, or be Rodney’s friend properly with this hanging over his head either. Avoiding Rodney doesn’t work, at all, and so maybe if he just lets it out in the open, it will be easier to let it go, easier to get back to where he was before. This will be, of course, easier said than done, but John feels like he doesn’t really have a choice.
Rodney’s been polite but cool since their conversation a few nights ago, and a polite Rodney kind of freaks John out, not to mention the rest of his team, who have been walking on eggshells around them lately, even if they pretend not to notice what’s going on. The only choice he has is to tell Rodney the truth. Well, as much of the truth as he can manage, anyway. How he’d reacted to this whole Keller thing--how he was reacting right now--was unprofessional, if nothing else. He recognizes this, and so he knows he has to fix it. If he thinks about it in practical terms like this, it feels almost businesslike. John can do businesslike. Maybe he can make this work after all.
He’s surprisingly calm as he knocks on Rodney’s door.
“I’m busy,” is the response he gets through the closed door.
“I know. I’ll make it quick.”
“No.”
“Rodney, come on. I need to talk to you.”
“Don’t care.”
“Look,” John starts calmly. “It’s almost lunchtime and if you don’t let me in, I’m going to stand out here until you come out, and we’re going to have this conversation on the way to the mess hall. But I’d rather talk in private, so…”
He hears Rodney sigh, and shuffle to the door.
“Fine. What.”
John pushes past him. He closes his eyes, listens as the door swishes shut, counts to three.
“You misunderstood me the other night.”
“Oh, did I?” Rodney stalks over, raises his chin, and looks John in the eye. “I don’t think so.”
“Well, I’m telling you, you misunderstood. I’m not interested in Jennifer.”
“Right. You’re interested in every other beautiful woman in the galaxy, but somehow you’re not interested in Jennifer? I’ll believe that when I see it. And by that I mean when you stop acting like a jealous teenager every time we’re all in the same room together.”
John swallows. “About that.”
“What?” Rodney snaps. “I thought you weren’t jealous. I thought you weren’t interested.”
“I’m not.” John hesitates, because it feels like a lie, even though it isn’t, technically.
“See!” Rodney points a finger at him. “You’re such a bad, bad liar, Sheppard. You should really just give it up already.”
“That’s what I’m trying to do, if you’d shut up for a second, okay?”
John is somewhat encouraged by the fact that Rodney actually doesn’t say anything else, and just stands there, glaring at him.
“I know I’ve been acting a little… off lately, about this thing with Keller.”
Rodney is still quiet, somehow, and John figures he’ll probably never get this opportunity again, so he should probably just get to the point.
“Look,” he starts. “We’ve got a good thing going. We’re friends, right? And I’m not trying to get in your way, hell, I’m trying to be happy for you!” He forces himself to keep going, even though Rodney’s looking at him as if he’s lost his mind. “It’s just… There are some things, stuff that I- I’m pretty good about pushing it away, but I know that lately I haven’t been doing a very good job. I’ve been letting this stuff get in the way, and I’m really sorry about that. And so I’m just saying you don’t have to worry. We’re cool.”
There’s a long moment of silence where Rodney stares at John, and then past him for a few seconds, before he shakes his head. “Wait, what? That made absolutely no sense!”
John hunches his shoulders and glares. ”Rodney…”
“No, no. You don’t get to play Mr. Abstract this time. Things? Stuff? What are you, fifteen?”
“Jesus.” John draws a hand over his face, noontime stubble scratching his palm. “Look. I’m saying it’s not going to be a problem anymore, okay? I’ve been acting like an idiot and it’s not fair to you, so… let’s just drop it.”
Rodney studies him for a moment, arms crossed. John glances up, and something flickers in Rodney’s eyes, but John ignores it, has to ignore it.
“Wait, you mean feelings,” Rodney states quietly. He stares at John, looking curious, but oddly not surprised. “What kind of feelings?”
John takes a deep breath. Of course Rodney wouldn’t just let this go. “Look. I’m not telling you this because I want to, so do you think we could skip the embarrassing details?”
“What kind of feelings, John. Tell me.”
John is starting to feel a little light-headed. “I can’t. I’m sorry.”
“What do you mean you can’t? You just did. Oh, wait, you’re just going to let it go like that? Tell me you have these feelings and then not tell me what they are?”
John just stares at Rodney. His powers of judgment are pretty much shot right now, but he can’t deny the thoughts running though his head. Stupid, ridiculous things like what if Rodney’s okay with this, what if he feels the same way, what if there’s a chance? And these are all things that John just can’t think about. Not about a senior member of his team. Not while in another galaxy. And definitely not while serving as commanding military officer of this expedition.
It’s hard though, with Rodney looking at him like this, his eyes bright and curious, like when he’s discovered something really cool in the ancient database. John swallows.
“Do you mind if I…” John asks, already moving to sit down on the edge of Rodney’s bed. Rodney’s staring down at him, but the light in his eyes is moving, fading-this moment won’t last forever, maybe won’t even last in the time it takes John to figure out how best to say this. So he just says the first thing that comes to mind.
“You know you’re crazy if you think Keller would choose me over you.”
Rodney blinks, rolls his eyes. “Right, because women generally overlook the ridiculously good looking, ridiculously nice guys for the assholes with receding hairlines, right?”
John ignores this. “Because you’re a great guy, Rodney. Because you’re smarter than everyone I’ve ever known, and because you’re 100% Rodney all the time. You never compromise, ever. You know who you are. And you’re not an asshole, no matter how hard you try to convince me.”
Rodney is surprisingly quiet, and John is grateful, because otherwise, he’s not sure he’d be able to keep going.
“When you were sick, I… I really didn’t think I was going to come out of it okay. Losing you became the thing I feared most. The thing I knew would tear me apart to the point where I wouldn’t be able to come back in one piece. It was pretty scary. To find out that you meant that much to me.”
Rodney blinks, takes a few steps forward, sits down next to John on the bed, a respectable distance away, but John swears he can feel a little heat radiating from his direction anyway.
“So that’s how you feel.” Rodney says after a moment, staring forward. “And wait, you…that whole time… You were talking about your feelings for me?”
“Yeah.”
“Why didn’t you just say something?”
“You’re my friend,” John says. “And besides, things like this never end well. I wanted us to end well. Still do.”
“And you never thought there might be another possibility?”
“What, like you punching me in the face, never speaking to me again? Sure. I thought about that too.”
“You never considered the possibility that I might just understand?”
“I never thought you wouldn’t understand, but-“
Rodney rolls his eyes. “Can you please shut up? God, you are such an idiot.”
John is about to protest this, on principle, but suddenly his throat is dry and he thinks he may have stopped breathing, because Rodney’s fingers are ghosting along his jaw line, picking up pressure as they go until Rodney’s palm is pressed against the back of his neck, pulling their faces together and he can feel Rodney’s breath against his nose, against his lips.
And then Rodney’s lips are against his--the pressure is soft at first, hesitant, but then Rodney starts to really kiss him, starts to part the seam of John’s lips with his tongue, and John feels the heat inside him start to rise, and it’s like a shot of adrenaline, straight to his heart. Rodney locates John’s tongue quickly, and sucks on it, gently at first and then urgently, desperately.
And then everything happens so fast that John barely has time to process the sensations-the taste of Rodney’s mouth, of coffee and something sweet under all of it, and the slick wetness of Rodney’s tongue as it explores his mouth. Rodney’s teeth, nipping at the corners of his lips, and Rodney’s hands cradling his neck, warm and solid. John’s hands on Rodney’s shoulders, snaking down his back, feeling the warm skin under Rodney’s thin t-shirt tremble a little under his fingers, and then feeling Rodney’s back arch a little when he lets his hands linger at Rodney’s waist, just above the top of his pants. Rodney moans a little into the kiss then too, and everything turns a little more urgent for a few moments, before John has no choice but to break away to try to catch his breath.
It takes him a moment, and for a second the energy between them is so super-charged, John feels like he should be able to reach out and touch it. It fades quickly though, as Rodney moves his hands from John’s neck, and leans away, running his hands over his face. The sudden loss of contact hits John like a punch to the gut, and he finds himself reaching for Rodney’s shoulder.
“I’m sorry, I-“
“What the hell are you sorry for?” Rodney snaps. “I kissed you! And besides, it was good, right?”
“You thought it was good?”
Rodney gives him a look that’s usually reserved for members of his science team, generally when they question something really, really obvious.
“That was you I was kissing just now, right?” Rodney deadpans. “Are we on the same planet here? Same dimension and everything?”
John laughs a little at that.
“Geez, if that wasn’t good, I don’t think I want to know what Chaya did to you after all.”
John ignores the Chaya comment. “Of course it was good, Rodney, but…”
“But you thought it wouldn’t be good for me too? Are you crazy?”
John blinks. “You’re straight.”
“So?”
“So… well…” John sighs, frustrated. “I don’t know, okay? I’m a little confused here.”
“What does it matter if I’m straight or not when it’s you, John?”
And then Rodney is kissing him again, and it’s a little slower than the first time, which somehow makes it a lot scarier. It’s a bit harder to write a slow, tender, gentle kiss like this off as in-the-heat-of-the-moment lust, John figures. He’s scared, John realizes, really, really scared. He doesn’t want to be scared though, he just wants to enjoy this, so after a moment he just loses himself in the kiss, in Rodney. In the taste of Rodney, the smell, the stubble on his lips, and the movement of his tongue, the sensation of Rodney’s fingers trailing along the nape of his neck… After a minute or two, they both pull away, staring at each other for a long, long moment.
“Wow,” Rodney finally says.
John nods, still a little breathless. “Yeah.”
“It’s you.”
“Yep.”
“That’s so weird.”
“I know.”
And then they’re both laughing, and it feels like nothing, and everything has changed, and John’s ribs hurt, he’s laughing so hard, and his lips can still feel the weight of Rodney all over them, and he can still taste the kiss, and John thinks, for a second, that this may be the happiest he’s ever been. In this world, this galaxy, with this person who shouldn’t understand, but who somehow understands everything perfectly, maybe even better than he does.
In this moment John isn’t thinking the millions of things he probably should be thinking-what this means, for him, for Rodney, for Keller, he’s not thinking of how it will play out in the long run, or whether or not he’ll get burned, again, or what this will mean for his career, or Rodney’s, or if they can even make something like this work in the first place. Right now, he’s enjoying the best laugh he’s had in a long time, with the best friend he’s had in a lifetime.
And he’s okay with it, all of it.
**
“You know,” Rodney says a while later, over a late lunch in the mess hall, as he grabs a cup of chocolate pudding from the corner of John’s tray. “I don’t remember much from when I was sick, but you--” He points at John across the table, eyes shining mischievously. “Were you there, like, all the time, or what?”
“Maybe?” John offers noncommittally.
“Don’t you have a job?”
“They gave me some time off, okay?”
“Right. I hear they’re really big on time off here in the Pegasus galaxy.”
“So what if I had to beg a little for it? Point is, they gave it to me, and I was there,” John says evenly.
Rodney smiles a little. “You talked to me too, didn’t you. Told me your whole life story, I bet.”
“Shut up, McKay.”
“You know, someday I’m going to get all those memories back and if you think for a second that I’m going to let you-“
“Rodney,” John warns.
“I know, I know, I was dying.” Rodney grins. “Still. I didn’t know you could talk for that long.”
John smiles innocently. “Well, you know me, Rodney. I’m full of surprises.”
“I’ll say,” Rodney says around a spoonful of pudding, and kicks John under the table.
John can’t help but grin a little wider at him. “Believe me, you don’t know the half of it.”
***