Pulse - Chapter Five [COMPLETE]
Title: Pulse
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Word Count: 9,725
Chapter: 5/5 - COMPLETE!
Warnings: yaoi, smut, not work-safe
Rating: R (Or perhaps, NC-17? ^_~)
Disclaimer: No basis in reality. Possible incorrect retelling of events? I'm bad with timelines and stuff like that, so... ^_^
Notes: This takes place sometime in the early spring, a few months after the end of the 4th musical. I have no idea how this chapter ended up being so long, but I really hope you enjoy it! Thanks so much for reading! Please comment? ^_^ Did I mention how relieved I am that I was able to finish this story??!!?
x-posted to tutixnagayan
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When Nagayan opened his eyes, it was dark. Really dark. And not dark like it had been before, because of the careful placement of the shades on his windows. Now it was clearly middle-of-the-night dark, Nagayan realized, wondering why something felt wrong about this. He squinted at the tiny green glowing numbers on the dresser across the room, and realized that it was almost three thirty in the morning. He was a little confused, and tried to clear his head, but everything felt fuzzy and groggy. And he was hungry. His throat tightened at this thought though, because it reminded him of something, and he realized suddenly what was wrong. Tuti, he was thinking. Where the hell was Tuti?
He fumbled for his phone, staring at the display with eyes that quickly became glazed over with disappointment. He blinked several times, and tried to swallow past the lump in his throat that seemed to be getting bigger and bigger the more awake he became.
Damn Tuti, he was thinking. He didn’t call. Tuti didn’t call. Nagayan told himself this a few times, trying to let this fact sink in, because he was honestly really surprised. He was surprised, and he wasn’t sure how to react, because he really hadn’t entertained the possibility of this happening. He could feel the tension moving through his body though, building and growing in intensity the more he thought about this. He really couldn’t believe that Tuti had blown him off. He was still staring at his phone and for a second, he had the urge to call Tuti, right now, and let him know how pissed off he was, and how much he hated being brushed aside like this.
But he stopped himself. Because that really wasn’t it. Because Nagayan wasn’t really angry. He felt his stomach twist uncomfortably with this thought. He had been rejected, he told himself, realizing that there was really no question of how he felt. More than anything else, knowing this just hurt. It hurt so much in fact, Tuti not being here, that Nagayan was a little scared, just because he hadn’t prepared himself for feeling this way so soon. He took a deep breath and tried to relax, but…
All he could think of was Tuti pushing him away backstage, months ago. Tuti’s hands on his chest, and the force behind them, separating them, and then Tuti ignoring him at the bar, when his head had been spinning, and all he’d wanted was for Tuti to take him home. He thought of all the other times too, when they were together but he still felt such distance between them. He thought about the times when all he wanted was for Tuti to show him some kind of attention or affection, something to show that he cared, that Nagayan was more important than whatever other people were around. Nagayan never cared about making those other people happy, or about what they thought. In fact, he wanted them to think things about him and Tuti. He wanted them to seem close, or at least, at the very least, he wanted people to know that Tuti was his friend, but… Somehow, no matter what happened between them, in the end the distance was always reestablished.
Nagayan knew that it probably wasn’t fair to blame all of this on Tuti, but… this was how it felt to him right now, and he just didn’t feel like bothering to change his reasoning. Somehow, it always seemed like Tuti was pushing him away, in one way or another. Even after something good like this afternoon had happened, now, all he could feel was the distance… It seemed like this was always what he ended up being left with, and Nagayan honestly wondered if it had been worth it. If anything had been worth it. The effort he felt like he had been making all along, since he had met Tuti, to be his friend, to stay his friend when they had no reason to be anything at all, and then… letting Tuti know, showing him how he felt, letting him know that he wanted to be close to him, that he had wanted this for so long… How could any of this have been right when he felt like this now?
There was a huge pressure and weight building up inside his chest, wrapping around his insides, and manifesting itself in a dull pain between Nagayan’s eyes. He closed them because they were prickling and burning, and he felt his shoulders shaking as he leaned forward, the dull creak of the mattress and the rustle of the sheets when he moved sounding entirely too loud in the silence of the room. This was ridiculous, he was thinking. Ridiculous that he was crying. Over Tuti. He knew better than this, right? He must be really tired, or still sick, or insane, or something. Because Nagayan didn’t cry. Not over people. Not over being hurt. He didn’t cry, and he certainly didn’t open his heart to the point where it could be touched.
Nagayan wanted to be angry again. He tried, actively, to bring this feeling back because he knew that it had to be better than this. It had to be better than feeling so cold like this, and so empty and so completely alone. Nagayan was not used to feeling this way, and he really didn’t like it.
He was angry, he told himself.
Because he had opened himself up today. Tuti knew things about him now. Nagayan had said things that he shouldn’t have said and now he couldn’t take them back. He’d practically confessed, he realized when he thought about it. Maybe he had? He couldn’t remember exactly what he had said, and he really didn’t want to. He didn’t care, he told himself. Tuti could ask him again if it had all been a joke. He wanted him to. He would be sure to tell Tuti now that everything had been a joke, and that Tuti was the one who was stupid if he thought it was anything other than that.
Because Nagayan had a million other people who he could turn to, he told himself, swallowing hard past the lump in his throat that just wouldn’t go away. He reminded himself too that it was by his own choice that he hadn’t dated anyone in so long.
He could start though. He would start, he told himself - tomorrow. And never again would he let anyone get under his skin like this. Because he didn’t need this. He didn’t need Tuti. He didn’t need anyone, Nagayan told himself. He had everything that he wanted already, and he was perfectly capable of keeping it that way. He certainly didn’t need to be fucking around with his friends like this, or acquaintances or former cast members or whatever the hell Tuti was to him now. He stopped for a second, considering what he had almost done today with Tuti. He certainly didn’t need that, he told himself, a little bitterly, ignoring how much it hurt somewhere deep inside of him, to think of this.
Because he told himself this, but the memory of this afternoon was not fading from his mind fast enough. It seemed somehow etched into his consciousness to the point where unless he was actively telling himself that he didn’t care, that he wouldn’t remember, he seemed to somehow be remembering everything all at once… He took another deep breath, one that filled and expanded inside his lungs uncomfortably, because his chest felt so tight. And all he could think of was how he had been gasping for breath earlier. His stomach turned over and over as he remembered Tuti’s hand moving up his arm, and Tuti’s lips pressed against his. Tuti leading him to the couch, and moving on top of him. He could feel Tuti’s hips pressed against his thigh, and Tuti’s fingers brushing over his chest. Nagayan could feel heat prickling below his waist now too, as he remembered, and it filled him with such an irrational rage he thought he was going to scream, or throw something, or punch a hole in the wall - anything to take his mind off the fact that just thinking about this afternoon had him completely turned on again.
And Nagayan knew he was probably overreacting. That none of this really made any sense, and that he should probably at least try to figure out what had happened. But it really didn’t matter. It was the perfect opportunity, actually, Nagayan figured, surprised to find himself thinking more clearly for a moment. He needed to do this, he told himself, to let all of this out. All of his fears, everything. Because when he stopped for a second to really think about this, he knew that most importantly, he had to figure out where he stood.
Because even if Tuti had come back tonight, even if he was here right now, even then, Nagayan knew that he probably would have just fallen into something, without thinking, without really deciding anything. He would follow Tuti’s lead, and it would feel good. But… if he was going to do that, then he had to be able to say, at least to himself, that he wanted this. Because Nagayan knew that until he was able to really admit to himself how he felt, it didn’t matter if Tuti had called or not, if he was here or not. Unless he admitted to his feelings, there was no point in being upset or angry, or hurt about anything. Sometimes Nagayan wondered how he could possibly feel something for so long, and feel it so strongly, without ever really stopping to consider what he should do about it, what it meant… and what it would mean, when it really came down to acting on it.
Kime thought he had figured it out a while ago, and had told him that he should say something. He had said he was sure Tuti had similar feelings, but that his friend would never say a word about anything unless Nagayan said it first. But Tuti had said something. Today. Tuti had started all of this today. He had brought up the kiss; he had said that he thought about kissing Nagayan again. And then Nagayan had told Tuti things too…
But maybe he should have said more, he realized, his throat tightening at the thought. Maybe if he had said more, if he had really been honest, maybe Tuti would be here right now. Nagayan knew that a lot of the time he just sort of glazed over the being honest part when it came to things like this, and he sometimes hated that about himself. He knew too that his instinct was always to stop short of actually trusting people enough to be completely honest. But maybe this is what Tuti had wanted? Maybe he had been disappointed.
He took a few deep breaths. More than a few - Nagayan sat there for a long time, breathing, and trying to think of nothing else but the air as it filled his lungs and exited them again. It was getting easier, he realized, and his chest was loosening the longer he sat there, though his mind seemed to continue running in circles. What did he want, he asked himself again. What would he do? He had to do something, right?
His thoughts drifted back to Tuti and this afternoon for what felt like the hundredth time. Tuti being bold, and taking a chance, and kissing him, and then kissing him again, and… it had been so good. Nagayan knew it had been good.
But Tuti had said he was scared. Maybe that’s why Tuti had backed off now. Or maybe he thought Nagayan was scared, that he didn’t want this. And Nagayan did, he realized. He really did. He wondered suddenly, what Tuti was afraid of though, specifically. He wanted to ask him. Maybe they were afraid of the same things, Nagayan realized, and for some reason he felt his cheeks getting a little warm with this thought.
What was he afraid of anyway? Nagayan thought for a second. Himself maybe? The insane, crazed, dizzy feeling he’d gotten the first time they’d kissed, and the fact that it had happened again, but that this time there had been nothing to stop him from giving Tuti everything. Maybe that was what he was afraid of. Because Nagayan knew, deep down, that once he admitted to Tuti how he felt, once he showed him that side of himself, there would be no turning back. He knew that once he started giving of himself, he wouldn’t be able to stop.
Nagayan had already fallen, he knew that, but… It was still ok, as long as he didn’t show Tuti, and Nagayan knew that he had been about to today. Without a second thought, just because he had gotten carried away. He had been about to give away that part of himself. And he knew that once he did that he would never be able to get it back. And somehow it seemed scarier, because Tuti was his friend. Because they were already close. Because he already cared, on other levels, about what happened between them. And because Nagayan knew that it would be a long time before he lived it down, and a long time before he would get over it, if he screwed this up.
But all of this was stupid, and Nagayan knew that it didn’t really matter at all. Because he wanted this. And he knew that he wanted it, and once he decided that he wanted something, he really didn’t know how to turn away from it. Not really, anyway. Even now, he was terrified, but…
He wanted to tell Tuti how he felt. He wanted to tell him everything. And he wanted to tell him now. Right now, before anything else happened to get in the way, and before he was able to come up with a reason not to. He would tell Tuti that he wanted this; that he wanted what had happened this afternoon to happen again… Even if it meant realizing that maybe Tuti didn’t. That maybe that was why he wasn’t here right now.
Nagayan raised an unsteady hand to his forehead and realized that he was sweating. His entire body felt jittery too. He knew that he was starving, but guessed that this feeling had more to do with what he was about to admit, than with how long it had been since his last meal. He glanced at the clock again.
It was almost 4:00 now. But it didn’t matter. He picked up his phone, punching in the numbers automatically, surprised that his fingers were going where he asked him to despite the fact that his hands were shaking. His heart was racing, and his throat felt dry and tight, and Nagayan wondered why all the sudden this seemed like the most important thing in the world, telling Tuti things that he had almost already said, but… he just needed to make sure. He needed to be completely honest, just once, about this, about something that he felt so strongly about. He needed to.
Nagayan closed his eyes and waited, trying not to think anything, because he was afraid that the smallest thing might cause him to close his phone and do something even more stupid. Like putting on his shoes and running over to Tuti’s apartment to tell him in person.
He knew that this shouldn’t be necessary though, because Tuti left his phone on, all the time. Nagayan had no idea why, and he’d always thought it was silly. But it meant he should pick up, even at this hour. Nagayan didn’t care how many times he had to call to wake Tuti up either. He held his breath and waited.
**
From somewhere far away, echoing through the empty apartment, Nagayan could hear the faint jingle of a cell phone ringing. The tune made him cringe as it always did, and it took him a few seconds before what was happening registered in his mind. Tuti’s annoying phone was ringing - in his house. Come to think of it, Nagayan swore that he had heard this sound several times recently, drifting into his sleep. Tuti left his phone here? That would be weird, but… that had to be it. He sighed, and clicked his phone shut. Well that would explain why he hadn’t called. Sort of.
Nagayan’s hands were still shaking when he set down his phone. It was strange though, how just the presence of Tuti’s phone in his apartment had filled him with a strange sense of being somehow connected to Tuti, when just a second ago he had been feeling really disconnected from everything. It had somehow made him feel a little calmer too, but still didn’t change the fact that he really, really needed to talk to Tuti right now.
He had the extremely irrational thought again of going to Tuti’s house. Of knocking on his door, and waking up the entire apartment building if he had to, until Tuti let him in. But… the trains had already stopped running. And Nagayan couldn’t even remember the last time he had called a taxi either. If it was for work, his manager always took care of that… And damn Tuti anyway, Nagayan was thinking. Even if he left his phone here, he still could have called. Nagayan knew that Moriyama had his number.
He sighed, but the breath caught in his throat, as he heard a distinct rustling coming from down the hallway, and he froze. His thoughts froze for a second too as he realized, and a sleepy half-groan confirmed something that really, at this point, seemed too good, too coincidental, and too strange to be true, all at the same time. But Nagayan knew that it was true. He had recognized that noise, and aside from that, he could feel it now. He couldn’t imagine how he had not been able to sense it before.
Tuti was here.
Tuti was here again, in his apartment, in the middle of the night, Nagayan was thinking, and suddenly all the energy he had just put into being sad and angry shifted. All Nagayan could think about was being close to Tuti… kissing him… the warmth of Tuti’s breath against his cheek before their lips met, and Tuti’s arm around his waist, pulling him closer. It seemed strange somehow, and made Nagayan feel a little crazy, the fact that he had been so upset, and so hurt, but that it had just vanished, and now all he could think of was wanting Tuti, and of wanting Tuti to know that he wanted him, and badly.
Some of what he was feeling was lust, he knew that, but… there was something more. He needed to know that Tuti wanted him too. He needed to know that this afternoon had meant something. He didn’t want Tuti to leave again without proving that to him, and without him proving to Tuti that it meant something to him too. A simple thing, he guessed, but… his heart was pounding, and he wondered if he had ever been more scared or more excited about anything in his entire life. He was nervous too, he realized, as he sat up and swung his legs over the bed, standing up, and blinking in the darkness.
He guessed that Tuti must still be asleep, though he wondered how he could have slept through that phone ringing. He wondered what had happened too, vaguely, how Tuti had gotten in, but... There was a distinctive noise of rustling again, and of movement, and Nagayan knew that Tuti was sitting up on the couch now, and that maybe he was rubbing his eyes, trying to figure out where he was. Nagayan took a deep breath and closed his eyes, telling himself to relax.
**
“You’re awake?”
Tuti’s groggy voice had startled Nagayan, even though he had been expecting it. He made no move to advance from the doorway though, mostly because his legs suddenly felt unsteady, and he could feel his entire body shaking where he stood. He looked at his feet, and tried to breathe, but his heart was pounding so hard he couldn’t concentrate. Tuti was talking, but he could barely hear him.
“…and so then when I got here I realized that your keys were still in my pocket, and-”
“Tuti.”
Nagayan cut him off, not caring about the explanation of why Tuti was on his couch at four in the morning anymore. Suddenly he didn’t care about anything, except for closing the distance between them as quickly as possible. Tuti had turned and was looking at him, not seeming nearly as confused as he should be, Nagayan was thinking, but it didn’t matter. He caught a flash of Tuti’s eyes for a brief second and the deep look was filled with energy, and intensity, and it was just the slight push Nagayan needed.
He reached the couch quickly, and before Tuti could react, Nagayan pushed him down onto his back, pinning his arms down at his sides. He straddled Tuti’s hips between his knees, realizing that for all of his determination, his legs had still gone a little weak at the warmth of Tuti’s body, and the softness of the skin under his fingers. Without pausing to contemplate the look of surprise on his friend’s face though, Nagayan bent forward kissed Tuti deeply, much more deeply than he remembered the last kiss had been, but he realized that maybe it just felt this way because he was in complete control this time.
Concentrating on Tuti’s responses, Nagayan allowed the kiss to deepen. Tuti was trembling under his touch, and Nagayan liked that. A lot. Tuti moaned as Nagayan moved his hips, pressing down hard and fast against him, both of them gasping at the friction between them, before Nagayan stretched his legs toward the end of the couch, moving a little to the side, and wrapping himself firmly around Tuti’s thigh. Nagayan was pressing his tongue deep into Tuti’s mouth too, as deep as he could, and he shivered at the rumbling noise Tuti made in the back of his throat when he sucked on his tongue a little. Tuti was sensitive too, Nagayan was discovering, and for some reason this caused the heat inside of him to burn a little deeper for a moment, as he concentrated on extracting as many sounds as he could from the man pinned underneath him.
It took him a few seconds to realize that Tuti had stopped responding though and that he was pulling away slightly. Unconsciously, Nagayan released some of the pressure from Tuti’s arms, and shifted his weight to the side a little more, which allowed Tuti to push himself up with his elbows, so that he was facing Nagayan.
Nagayan was suddenly embarrassed, and made an instinctive move to get up, mumbling an apology, but Tuti grabbed his wrist, stopping his forward motion, and causing him to slump back onto the couch next to him awkwardly.
“Takashi, what’s wrong?” Tuti studied him for a minute, his face still flushed, and then asked, a little more quietly, after taking a deep breath, “Tell me what you’re thinking?”
Nagayan was surprised by the last question, maybe just because it had been a long time since someone had asked him that. He was a little distracted too, because somehow he was sitting so close to Tuti that their legs were touching - patches of warmth that made Nagayan’s head swim when he concentrated on the contact too much.
“Takashi...” Tuti leaned towards Nagayan, and smiled nervously. “I didn’t mean that I wanted you to stop. It just…it seemed like something was wrong.”
Nagayan blinked several times, a little surprised at Tuti’s perceptiveness. He forced himself to swallow past the lump in his throat, telling himself that if he didn’t take this opportunity now he would regret it, because he couldn’t be guaranteed when there would be another one.
“You didn’t call,” he said quietly after a few seconds. “I woke up, and… all I could think about was that you weren’t here. I was really sad, and then… I realized you were here, and… Well, I couldn’t wait, I guess.” And Nagayan let out a nervous laugh, as Tuti stared at him, looking slightly taken aback. There was more that Nagayan wanted to say, but Tuti was already opening his mouth, looking concerned.
“I didn’t even realize that I’d left my phone here until we were halfway through rehearsal, and it ended up running late, so I figured it was faster to just come over. You didn’t answer the door, and… I’m sorry. I should have called anyway.”
Nagayan found himself smiling at this rather worried explanation on Tuti’s part. “Tuti, it’s ok.”
“It’s not ok.” Tuti shook his head and then looked at Nagayan. “You were sad?”
Nagayan took a deep breath. “Of course I was sad.”
Tuti frowned, and reached out tentatively to touch Nagayan’s hand, where it was resting on top of the leg that he had tucked under him. “You don’t remember me trying to wake you up?”
Nagayan stared at him, blinking at the sudden warmth of his friend’s hand. “No. Not at all,” he said quietly, and a little incredulously. “I must have been really tired.”
“Well, honestly, you seemed really comfortable. I couldn’t bring myself to try very hard.” Tuti smiled, the touch of his hand lingering for a few seconds before he moved it away. “I figured I’d just wait for you to wake up, but… I guess I was a little more tired than I’d thought.”
Nagayan nodded. “Yeah, same here.”
“And you know, when you didn’t answer the door, I thought for a minute about whether or not you would want me to let myself in. But I think I kind of know how you are.”
Nagayan laughed. “What’s that supposed to mean, how I am?”
Tuti grinned, seeming pleased with himself. “I just had a feeling you’d be glad to see me, that’s all.”
“Oh yeah?” Nagayan was looking at Tuti curiously, but his friend was obviously ignoring him.
Tuti’s expression changed after a second though, and Nagayan had the strange sensation that everything had gone still in the room, even though he was sure that nothing had really changed. Tuti was watching him, his eyes a mixture of sensitivity and curiosity.
“Seriously, what were you thinking before? Why were you sad?” And Tuti’s expression turned suddenly serious, at the look of surprise on Nagayan’s face. “I mean, don’t you think we should talk about this? About what’s happening here?”
Nagayan really hadn’t been expecting this, but… he found himself pouting a little, knowing that Tuti was right… “Do we have to?” He laughed a little at how much of a whine had crept into this voice. “I guess we do, right?”
Tuti nodded, and Nagayan could tell he was thinking about something. He was just starting wonder if he should be nervous, when Tuti asked again, “So what were you thinking, before you realized I was here?”
“Mou… Tuti, that’s not fair…” Nagayan shifted so that his legs were more comfortable, pulling them into a cross-legged position. He glanced at his friend, giving him his best dejected pout. “Why do I have to start?”
Tuti looked at him and laughed, running a hand over his head absently. “Ok, ok…”
Nagayan grinned. “So tell me, what were you thinking? After you left?”
“You really want to know?”
Nagayan rolled his eyes and laughed, but Tuti had turned to him with a serious look again.
“I missed you,” he said quietly. “As soon as I left I missed you. I missed being close to you, and kissing you, and all the way to rehearsal I kept thinking about how I wanted to turn around and come back. I almost did.” Tuti laughed. “But I knew you were asleep. And that I’d see you later.”
Nagayan smiled a little, and tried to convince himself that he wasn’t feeling his cheeks getting warm.
“And then all through rehearsal,” Tuti continued. “I was really distracted anyway! I would have been better off just coming back!”
Nagayan smiled again, his slight embarrassment fading, because he was finding this really amusing. “I was distracting you? How’s that even possible?” He raised an eyebrow at Tuti. “I’m pretty sure I was asleep.”
“Oh, you’ve been distracting me for quite a while,” Tuti said, laughing.
“Yeah? How so?” Nagayan was quickly deciding that this whole talking about things idea was maybe not so bad after all. Until Tuti started asking him questions again… which he was sure was coming soon. He sighed after a second though, because Tuti was still laughing, and obviously did not have plans for answering his question in any more detail.
Instead he just shook his head at Nagayan’s pout. “I’m not falling for that again. It’s your turn!”
Nagayan sighed again, and looked at Tuti. “You want to know what I was thinking? Before I called you?”
Tuti nodded, and his strait face seemed to turn Nagayan suddenly serious again too.
“I was thinking the same thing as you,” Nagayan said, realizing how good it felt to say this. “That I missed you. And I wondered why you weren’t here, if it was because of something that I did. Or something I didn’t do.”
Tuti was watching him, and Nagayan thought it looked like he was going to argue this line of reasoning, or something, but instead, Tuti just asked, tentatively, “So why did you call me? What were you going to say?”
Nagayan shifted a little closer to Tuti, somewhat unconsciously. “Well, at first I was angry. So I was going to call and yell at you, or something. But…” Tuti’s mouth was curved into a slight smile, but Nagayan could tell that he was nervous. “Then I realized that I really just wanted to make sure. That you knew.”
“That I knew what?” Tuti asked quietly.
“That this is what I want,” Nagayan looked up at Tuti. “Because, I really do. I really want this. I was afraid that it seemed like I was confused, but…” And Nagayan looked at Tuti again, his eyes flashing with urgency. “I’m not, ok? Not about this.”
Tuti wasn’t saying anything, but Nagayan could feel himself drifting closer to him on the couch and he realized after a second that this was because Tuti was pulling him forward, shifting to make room for him, and wrapping his arm around his back.
“I’m not confused either,” Tuti said softly into Nagayan’s hair.
Nagayan closed his eyes, shivering a little as Tuti brushed the hair from his forehead and then pressed his lips to the skin there. “I mean, about some things I am,” Tuti said after a second. “I have no idea how to do this, but... I think we can figure it out, right?”
Nagayan had moved a little so that he could see Tuti’s face, and he looked down at his friend for a long time, shifting after a minute from one arm to the other. He had only noticed that his arm was getting tired though because it had started shaking. In general his body and his head felt impossibly light, so he had been surprised, to find that he had any weight left at all to strain his muscles with.
And he was sure that he was grinning stupidly already, but Nagayan felt his smile grow a little more, as Tuti softly said the words that he would remember for a long time because they seemed to somehow signify the beginning of something, even though, when he really thought about it, he realized that all of this had begun a long time ago.
Nagayan’s other arm was starting to shake now, as Tuti said, quietly, urgently, but with complete clarity and conviction, “Kiss me.”
Nagayan’s smile grew a little wider, and after a second of pretending to contemplate this request, he realized that there was really no way that he could wait any longer.
He felt his insides turn to fire, as a gentle hand low on his back guided him on top of Tuti. He could feel the hard lines of Tuti’s body underneath him, as he bent forward, feeling his friend’s swift intake of air before their lips met. Immediately he felt another rush of fiery warmth move through him as their tongues slid together, pushing and pressing and exploring, as their bodies moved against each other.
Nagayan moved his hips unconsciously, and let out a low moan as he felt Tuti move with him. He could feel a dull throbbing below his waist too, and he gasped as Tuti let out a groan and moved his hips too, the contact sending a shudder through Nagayan’s body. He knew that his kiss was getting a little sloppy as they began to move together in a slow rhythm, one that Nagayan quickly realized was driving him crazy as he discovered more and more clearly what he wanted - what he really wanted. He had no idea how this would work, but he guessed that judging from his experience so far with Tuti, he probably didn’t have much to worry about.
In a low whisper, he told Tuti that his bed was more comfortable, surprised at how rough his voice sounded. Tuti laughed at this, but the laugh was deep and sexy and unlike any laugh Nagayan had heard from his friend before. He decided then and there that he would do everything in his power make sure that he continued to hear this laugh as often as possible.
They had gotten up quickly from the couch, and Nagayan’s eyes remained clouded over for a few seconds longer than he would have liked, though he had no idea if this was because he hadn’t eaten in so long, or because he was feeling almost delirious, thinking about how good it felt being with Tuti like this. He really wasn’t sure how he made it down the hallway without stumbling into something though.
His legs were still shaking as he sat down at the end of the bed, and he wondered if he was nervous. His hands were shaking too, as he fumbled with the handle on the drawer to the nightstand. He didn’t feel nervous, but…he could barely think; he was so distracted by the throbbing of his heart and the throbbing below his waist, that he almost dropped the small bottle from his hands when he felt Tuti’s arms wrapping around his shoulders from behind, and the warmth of Tuti’s breath brushing against his neck.
“Takashi, relax.” Tuti was whispering, but Nagayan couldn’t help but laugh, because Tuti’s voice was shaking so much that it was obvious his friend had no business telling anyone to relax.
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, as Tuti took the bottle from his hand, pressing his lips to Nagayan’s throat gently. Nagayan turned his head and smiled a little before moving his lips against Tuti’s again. With as much energy and determination as he could manage, he realized that he was trying to erase the nervousness from both of them with this kiss, and that he was trying to tell Tuti that he trusted him, and that this was ok too, because he didn’t know how else to show him this right now.
He was trying also to lose himself in how good this felt, because he realized that this was exactly what he wanted right now. As he felt his back pressing into the familiar softness of his bed though, and looked up to find Tuti staring down at him with eyes clouded over with desire, Nagayan realized that he had probably already been lost for a while.
Tuti’s hands moved to Nagayan’s hips, his fingers sliding under the waistband of his pants and Nagayan shifted a little, without hesitating, so that Tuti could remove them easily. The fabric brushed against the tip of his erection slightly before disappearing from sight and onto the floor near the edge of the bed.
Tuti was glancing down at him though, hesitantly, and Nagayan realized that he must still seem nervous, or scared, or something…
“Gomen, Tuti, I don’t know why-” But his voice broke off as he realized Tuti was moving towards him again. Tuti kissed him quickly, deeply, before Nagayan moved his arms, allowing Tuti to pull the shirt off over his head. Tuti looked down at him for a long moment, and Nagayan felt his entire body warming under the attention. He gave Tuti a half-smile, even though his heart was thumping so hard against his ribs that he thought his chest might explode
“I’m a little nervous too, it’s ok,” Tuti was saying breathlessly, but Nagayan had stopped listening, a little in awe of how right this felt, both of them completely unguarded like this. He sat up a little, fumbling for the edge of Tuti’s shirt and pulling it over his friend’s head, shivering a little when his fingers brushed against warm skin. He allowed his fingers to trace their way down Tuti’s chest, and along the muscles of his stomach, coming to rest just above his waist.
Nagayan closed his eyes, and after a second, Tuti slid down next to him. He allowed his pants and boxers to be removed slowly, almost tentatively, by Nagayan’s fingers and pressed a soft kiss to his neck, as his remaining clothes landed with a soft sound onto the floor.
Nagayan blinked and opened his eyes, turning towards Tuti a little as he felt Tuti’s fingers tracing down the side of his face, along his neck, and across his collarbone. He shivered, and moved towards Tuti, searching for his lips a little desperately, because he really didn’t know what else to do. He was happy when the kiss deepened, and when he was able to lose himself for a few minutes in the sensation of being able to kiss Tuti and feel the warmth of his skin next to him. This was driving him crazy too though, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he would be able to hold out.
“Mou… Tuti… I want you,” Nagayan whispered suddenly, surprising himself a little at his boldness.
“Oh really?” Tuti seemed surprised too, and he laughed the same low, sexy laugh from before, and then kissed Nagayan again, without waiting for his response.
Then Nagayan could feel Tuti’s hand wrapping around him, and he moaned, feeling the warm liquid between Tuti’s fingers sliding up and down his length. He turned his head towards Tuti, finding his lips by instinct again and feeling them part at his touch. The space between them was beginning to feel really familiar too and everything felt so good, that Nagayan wasn’t sure how he had ever wondered whether or not he wanted this. Nagayan moaned and gasped as Tuti ran his thumb over his tip a few times, teasing him a little, before moving his hand down Nagayan’s length, and past it. Tuti’s hand hovered there for a moment, and he kissed Nagayan deeply, waiting…
“Tuti, please…” He knew that his voice was barely audible, but he was also sure that Tuti knew, probably from their kiss a second ago, that he wanted this, and that he had given his permission and his trust a long time ago.
He could feel Tuti’s erection pressing against his leg as a cool, slick finger entered him, slowly, and almost tentatively. He shivered and moaned at the sensation, realizing how tight he was. He had been a little concerned, for a split second, wondering how it would feel, because it had been such a long time since someone had touched him like this, but this concern quickly faded as he realized with a shudder how completely good, and surprisingly natural this felt.
He realized that he had been squeezing his eyes shut tight though, and when he opened them, Tuti was staring down at him, questioning him, which Nagayan wasn’t really used to in this situation. Usually he was in a little more control than this, and if anything, he was the one who would be questioning but… With Tuti, he realized, he liked it like this. Everything felt right, and good, and… Nagayan realized that he must be smiling, because Tuti was smiling back at him, looking as happy and as turned on as he was feeling right now.
Tuti bent down to kiss him, and as he did, Nagayan felt him move a second finger into him. He moaned into Tuti’s mouth as he felt his fingers moving inside of him, searching, and pressing against him lightly after a second. Nagayan gasped, breaking the kiss for a moment, as a tremor of pleasure moved through his body. He immediately found Tuti’s lips again and kissed him deeply, hungrily, as he tried to will himself not to come. Nagayan found himself moaning again when Tuti moved his hips a little, and then Tuti’s fingers pressed inside of him again and he whimpered and moved his hand to himself, without thinking. He watched as Tuti smiled when he began to move his hand slowly, moaning at the sensation, as Tuti slid a third finger inside of him.
Nagayan felt his whole body tighten and shake as Tuti began to move his fingers again, stretching him gently, and he let out a long sigh as he felt Tuti move his hips again, pressing against him a little harder each time he moved. Another press of fingers inside of him, and Nagayan was pulling Tuti closer, kissing him, and then he was moaning, as he moved his hand over his tip and felt warm drops of liquid there. “Tuti… now…” He whispered and felt his muscles tighten around Tuti’s fingers inside of him. “Please, Tuti… now. Please…”
He was whimpering, and begging, and Tuti was kissing him again, and he could feel that his face was flushed and warm. His whole body felt warm too, radiating heat from somewhere inside of him, somewhere that was longing for Tuti, that couldn’t wait for Tuti to move closer, to enter him, to connect inside of him.
Tuti was on top of him now, the tip of his erection between Nagayan’s legs and he could tell that Tuti was hesitating, just before his entrance and he wrapped his arms around his friend’s back, whispering and panting. “It’s ok… Please, Tuti. I want you. Please.” He looked up at the dark eyes staring down at him, and shivered, realizing how badly he wanted this right now.
It was more than feeling good; more than anything, Nagayan wanted to be close to Tuti, he wanted to feel himself tightening around Tuti, he wanted Tuti lost inside of him. He moaned a little at this thought as he felt Tuti’s wet tip pressing against his entrance, and then his friend nodded a little and smiled for a second, before kissing him again.
He began to enter him slowly, and Nagayan moaned and moved his hips, so that Tuti was able to slide into him more easily. Nagayan concentrated on the warmth inside of him and he could feel Tuti’s body trembling under his fingers as he moved his hands lightly up his friend’s back, enjoying the shiver he could feel move through Tuti and then him at the contact. He tipped his hips a little more and felt Tuti slide deeper inside of him, and then the room and the bed and everything else seemed to melt into a sort of oblivion.
Tuti was inside of him, Nagayan was thinking after a minute though, and he was surprised because, well, usually at times like these he wasn’t thinking anything at all. But suddenly he seemed to be thinking and feeling a lot of things at once. On the couch he had been overwhelmed and it had seemed too fast, too soon, and now it just seemed right, and perfect, and he knew that there was nothing to question anymore. There was no doubt in his mind that this was where he belonged, and where Tuti belonged, connected like this, and he was amazed because he had never felt like this before, or thought of it this way…
But suddenly Nagayan’s thoughts cut out as Tuti shifted, and slid further inside of him.
And Tuti was kissing him again, slowly, exploring his mouth as if they had never done this before, and for some reason, it felt like he was exploring Tuti again for the first time too. Nagayan marveled at this for a second before gasping and making a loud noise of pleasure when Tuti shifted inside of him. He shuddered and smiled at Tuti’s moan as he tightened himself around him.
Nagayan felt hot tears prickling at the corners of his eyes though as Tuti looked down at him, touching his face lightly with his fingers, smiling at him, and then kissing his forehead and his cheeks and down his neck as he moved inside of him gently. Nagayan swallowed hard and blinked, trying not to be completely overcome with everything he was feeling right now. Because never before had something felt so perfect, and so right to him. There was no struggle for control, no push and pull, no worrying about pleasing anyone, it was just… perfect. It had been a long time since Nagayan had thought that anything was perfect.
And now he was thinking this about something that he knew should probably scare him, but instead felt like the most wonderful realization in the world and made his face feel a little warmer, and the space where Tuti was inside of him feel a little more amazing. They were perfect, Nagayan was thinking. He was perfect, with Tuti, and they were perfect. Together. It was something that it would take Nagayan a long time to say out loud, but… it was something that he was completely sure of, even now, and something that he would remain completely sure of for a long time to come.
Nagayan arched his back and watched as Tuti’s face contorted in pleasure as he moaned and moved just a little deeper inside of him. Nagayan’s body was shaking as Tuti began to move again, slowly at first. He realized that he was gripping the sheets after a moment, and moved his arms around Tuti’s waist again, feeling Tuti’s body tremble with each thrust. Nagayan moved his hands up Tuti’s back, pulling him forward, and then arching up to meet him in a deep, but rather sloppy kiss. They broke the kiss after a second and Nagayan laughed, low and quiet, surprised at how relaxed he was, moving with Tuti in what had become a gentle rhythm again. He closed his eyes, gasping a little each time Tuti moved and pressed inside of him. He was lost, but at the same time… he was very aware of this experience. He knew that he would remember it later in perfect, amazing detail.
Tuti was staring down at him, as Nagayan opened his eyes. He was panting, completely out of breath, and Tuti’s eyes seemed to be swallowing him with an intensity that caused his face to flush even more deeply, as Tuti bent down to kiss him. Tuti’s tongue flicked across his teeth and sucked on his tongue a little, before the kiss deepened and Nagayan could feel his erection begin to throb again. He moaned a little, and then whimpered, breaking the kiss, as he felt Tuti’s fingers wrapping around him again. Tuti’s thumb rubbed across his wet tip, spreading the moisture across and around before his hand gripped him tightly, and fell into rhythm with their movement. Nagayan gasped and forced his eyes open, because somehow he needed to see Tuti’s face right now.
Tuti’s eyes were closed, and he was breathing hard and Nagayan could feel his thrusts rocking against him, and causing the bed under them to shake and groan. Nagayan barely noticed these noises though, and he found himself moaning shamelessly for Tuti to move faster, harder. In another second he could feel himself start to come with a gasp and a tremor over Tuti’s hand, as Tuti thrust hard and finished with a long shudder inside of him.
**
A long moment stretched between them, where everything was still, and all Nagayan could hear was the deep pulse of his heart echoing in his head. He could feel Tuti trembling on top of him though, as he ran his hand across the curve of Tuti’s back, feeling the slickness of his sweat, a slight smile on his lips.
Tuti was heavy, and Nagayan could barely breathe, but he didn’t care. It didn’t matter because he didn’t want Tuti to move, to break this contact, or to break the connection he felt with him right now. When Tuti gently slid out of him after a minute though, Nagayan found that the brief ache of separation faded quickly as he realized that right now he still felt closer to Tuti than he ever had before.
Tuti’s voice was soft, as he glanced at Nagayan, reaching over, and touching the corner of his eye, “You had better tell me this is your allergies, because…”
Nagayan blinked, confused, before he realized that there had been a spot of moisture there. He laughed a little, realizing that he wasn’t really embarrassed, but felt the sound catch in his throat as Tuti leaned forward towards him.
“Takashi…” he said quietly, as if he hadn’t been calling him by his first name for years.
“Yuuichi?” Nagayan asked with a smile.
He was surprised at how nice it felt to say this as their lips met again with an unexpected amount of enthusiasm. This urgency quickly faded into a sort of calm though, and they broke away together, after a few minutes, as Tuti said breathlessly, “Stay here.”
And he got up, returning after a second with a towel, and handing it to Nagayan, sitting down next to him. Nagayan smiled a little at the look that Tuti was giving him.
“What?” He asked after a second, sitting up, his smile turning a little suspicious. “Don’t look at me like that, what?”
Tuti chuckled deviously. “So do you always make that much noise, or…”
“No,” Nagayan said quickly, and then pouted a little. “Leave me alone, Tuti, I’m tired, and when I’m tired, I-”
“Tired?” Tuti interrupted, grinning. “Haven’t you been asleep all day?”
“Tuti…” Nagayan whined, and moved back towards the head of the bed, leaning back on one of the pillows he had grabbed and shoving the other one at Tuti roughly.
“I’m kidding!” And then Tuti lowered his voice. “You can make all the noise you want.”
Nagayan glared a little more, and then laughed, as Tuti moved up next to him. “And what about you!”
“What about me? You’d definitely win…if we were keeping track of those sorts of things.”
Nagayan pouted a little again, but his eyes were smiling. “Besides, it was really good. How could I not make noise?”
Tuti looked at him for a second and then said quietly, “I know, it was really good, wasn’t it?”
“Tuti, it was amazing,” Nagayan said honestly. “Where did you…?”
“I don’t know.” Tuti shrugged and looked a little embarrassed. “It just felt right, I guess.”
Nagayan smiled. “It did, right?”
Tuti nodded and smiled deviously again. “You sure seemed to know what you wanted though.”
Nagayan laughed, because he hadn’t really thought of it that way, but.... “That’s true. I did.”
“Oh really?”
Nagayan nodded, and they both laughed for a second.
“How did that even happen?” Nagayan asked, because he realized that he was still a little incredulous.
“Well, you started it, I’m pretty sure. On the couch? I thought you were going to-”
Nagayan laughed, cutting him off. “Yeah, me too! But… this way was good too.” He watched as Tuti grinned at his blush and he glared at him, just a little. “Whatever you were going to say, you can just forget it!”
They laughed together for a second, and Nagayan wondered suddenly how it was possible for all of this to feel so normal. Well, he figured, except for the fact that they were still naked and still in bed, and that he had just had the best orgasm ever - it was completely normal.
“Tuti, do you think this is weird?” Nagayan’s voice wasn’t tentative, just curious.
“Weird?”
“Yeah, I don’t know.” And Nagayan shrugged, realizing that he probably wasn’t making any sense. “You don’t think so?”
“Weirder than you kissing me backstage and then waiting three months to talk about it, or… Weirder than me wanting you so badly that I can barely think about anything else when we’re together?”
Nagayan glanced at Tuti, a little surprised.
“I’m serious.” Tuti looked at Nagayan, as if he was contemplating something. “When you walked into the bar yesterday, I…”
“You what?”
Tuti laughed. “ I don’t know, I just…”
And Nagayan was suddenly feeling a little bold. “You wanted me,” he said with a sly half-smile.
“Maybe a little.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Tuti said with a grin.
“I see, so that’s why you ignored me?” Nagayan was smiling though, realizing how silly this all seemed now.
“Well, yeah… At first, anyway.”
Nagayan laughed loudly, and then his face turned serious for a second, because he thought that maybe Tuti didn’t realize... “Baka… I wanted you too.”
Tuti smiled, poking Nagayan’s thigh with a long finger. “You were drunk. And flirting.”
Nagayan gasped, and looked from his leg to Tuti, giving him a strange look, before he punched his arm. “I was not!”
“Takashi, you were.”
“Not really,” Nagayan pouted. “I wanted you to come over.”
“Sure, sure. But you were still flirting with that guy at the bar,” Tuti said, winking.
“I wasn’t!” Nagayan frowned. “Mou… I don’t even remember why I started talking to that guy…”
“I know, I know, I’m sorry.” Tuti smiled and kissed Nagayan softly on the lips until he smiled back. “That reminds me…” Tuti said after a second, “How do you feel?”
Nagayan shrugged, thinking. “Fine. A little hungry?”
“Should we go somewhere?”
Nagayan laughed. “Tuti, it’s like 5AM, right?”
Tuti looked surprised. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Well, let me make you something then.”
“Yeah? Like what?” Nagayan asked, his eyes lighting up.
“Anything you want,” Tuti said confidently, grinning.
Nagayan thought for a second. “Pancakes,” he told him decidedly.
Tuti laughed. “I meant real food. We haven’t even had dinner.”
Nagayan’s eyes widened and he gasped. “Pancakes are real food! And I don’t think dinner matters at this point.”
Tuti sighed. “Fine, fine, you win.” He started to get up from the bed, reaching for his clothes on the floor. “Are you going to take a shower while I start?”
“Either that, or we could take one together.”
Nagayan wrapped his arms around Tuti’s waist, and placed a light kiss on his shoulder, because he couldn’t reach his neck comfortably, sitting next to him like this, and because he was too tired and sore to move any more right now.
He shivered a little as Tuti leaned over and kissed him. His stomach grumbled loudly after a second though, and he realized that he really did need to eat something soon. He was enjoying the kiss though, and waited a second before he pulled away. “Mmm…Tuti, let’s shower fast, I’m really hungry!” he whispered, trying not to whine too much, but knowing that it had probably crept into his voice anyway.
Tuti laughed and nodded, and then looked at him for a second, curiously. “You know, I really have no idea why we waited so long to do this, do you?”
“No idea,” Nagayan said, grinning as he allowed Tuti to help him up from the bed, mostly just because he enjoyed the warmth of Tuti’s hands on his shoulders right now.
They were halfway down the hallway when Tuti suddenly stopped and turned to him. He looked at him for a second before pulling him into a tight hug, one that reminded Nagayan suddenly of being backstage, months ago, except that now, he felt like he understood why it always seemed like Tuti hugged him twice as hard as anyone else back then.
Nagayan shivered a little as Tuti whispered in his ear, and he wondered if somehow his friend had learned how to read his mind, as he said, his voice shaking a little, “Takashi, I’ve always wanted you.”
Nagayan felt himself sag a little in Tuti’s arms before he whispered back, “I know. I’ve always wanted you too.”
Tuti held him close for a moment before he loosened his grip, and laughed. “Well, I’m glad we go that out.”
Nagayan sighed, smiling as Tuti grabbed his hand, pulling him for the few remaining steps down the hallway and into the bathroom with him, bouncing with what Nagayan felt was entirely too much energy for this early hour.
His stomach grumbled again noisily too, though he realized now that as much as he was looking forward to having Tuti cook for him, he might just be looking forward to this shower even more. In fact, he was thinking, a small smile creeping across his face, as he watched Tuti bending forward in front of him, fumbling with the faucets - it was entirely possible that he was no longer hungry at all.
Tuti stood up after a second, studying the look on Nagayan’s face curiously before laughing, and stepping into the shower. He poked his head around the shower curtain impatiently after a second though, flicking a small splash of water across the bathroom at Nagayan from between his fingers and Nagayan decided with a grin that it was true - he definitely wasn’t hungry at all anymore.
**
OWARI
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Word Count: 9,725
Chapter: 5/5 - COMPLETE!
Warnings: yaoi, smut, not work-safe
Rating: R (Or perhaps, NC-17? ^_~)
Disclaimer: No basis in reality. Possible incorrect retelling of events? I'm bad with timelines and stuff like that, so... ^_^
Notes: This takes place sometime in the early spring, a few months after the end of the 4th musical. I have no idea how this chapter ended up being so long, but I really hope you enjoy it! Thanks so much for reading! Please comment? ^_^ Did I mention how relieved I am that I was able to finish this story??!!?
x-posted to tutixnagayan
( 1 ) ( 2 ) ( 3 ) ( 4 )
When Nagayan opened his eyes, it was dark. Really dark. And not dark like it had been before, because of the careful placement of the shades on his windows. Now it was clearly middle-of-the-night dark, Nagayan realized, wondering why something felt wrong about this. He squinted at the tiny green glowing numbers on the dresser across the room, and realized that it was almost three thirty in the morning. He was a little confused, and tried to clear his head, but everything felt fuzzy and groggy. And he was hungry. His throat tightened at this thought though, because it reminded him of something, and he realized suddenly what was wrong. Tuti, he was thinking. Where the hell was Tuti?
He fumbled for his phone, staring at the display with eyes that quickly became glazed over with disappointment. He blinked several times, and tried to swallow past the lump in his throat that seemed to be getting bigger and bigger the more awake he became.
Damn Tuti, he was thinking. He didn’t call. Tuti didn’t call. Nagayan told himself this a few times, trying to let this fact sink in, because he was honestly really surprised. He was surprised, and he wasn’t sure how to react, because he really hadn’t entertained the possibility of this happening. He could feel the tension moving through his body though, building and growing in intensity the more he thought about this. He really couldn’t believe that Tuti had blown him off. He was still staring at his phone and for a second, he had the urge to call Tuti, right now, and let him know how pissed off he was, and how much he hated being brushed aside like this.
But he stopped himself. Because that really wasn’t it. Because Nagayan wasn’t really angry. He felt his stomach twist uncomfortably with this thought. He had been rejected, he told himself, realizing that there was really no question of how he felt. More than anything else, knowing this just hurt. It hurt so much in fact, Tuti not being here, that Nagayan was a little scared, just because he hadn’t prepared himself for feeling this way so soon. He took a deep breath and tried to relax, but…
All he could think of was Tuti pushing him away backstage, months ago. Tuti’s hands on his chest, and the force behind them, separating them, and then Tuti ignoring him at the bar, when his head had been spinning, and all he’d wanted was for Tuti to take him home. He thought of all the other times too, when they were together but he still felt such distance between them. He thought about the times when all he wanted was for Tuti to show him some kind of attention or affection, something to show that he cared, that Nagayan was more important than whatever other people were around. Nagayan never cared about making those other people happy, or about what they thought. In fact, he wanted them to think things about him and Tuti. He wanted them to seem close, or at least, at the very least, he wanted people to know that Tuti was his friend, but… Somehow, no matter what happened between them, in the end the distance was always reestablished.
Nagayan knew that it probably wasn’t fair to blame all of this on Tuti, but… this was how it felt to him right now, and he just didn’t feel like bothering to change his reasoning. Somehow, it always seemed like Tuti was pushing him away, in one way or another. Even after something good like this afternoon had happened, now, all he could feel was the distance… It seemed like this was always what he ended up being left with, and Nagayan honestly wondered if it had been worth it. If anything had been worth it. The effort he felt like he had been making all along, since he had met Tuti, to be his friend, to stay his friend when they had no reason to be anything at all, and then… letting Tuti know, showing him how he felt, letting him know that he wanted to be close to him, that he had wanted this for so long… How could any of this have been right when he felt like this now?
There was a huge pressure and weight building up inside his chest, wrapping around his insides, and manifesting itself in a dull pain between Nagayan’s eyes. He closed them because they were prickling and burning, and he felt his shoulders shaking as he leaned forward, the dull creak of the mattress and the rustle of the sheets when he moved sounding entirely too loud in the silence of the room. This was ridiculous, he was thinking. Ridiculous that he was crying. Over Tuti. He knew better than this, right? He must be really tired, or still sick, or insane, or something. Because Nagayan didn’t cry. Not over people. Not over being hurt. He didn’t cry, and he certainly didn’t open his heart to the point where it could be touched.
Nagayan wanted to be angry again. He tried, actively, to bring this feeling back because he knew that it had to be better than this. It had to be better than feeling so cold like this, and so empty and so completely alone. Nagayan was not used to feeling this way, and he really didn’t like it.
He was angry, he told himself.
Because he had opened himself up today. Tuti knew things about him now. Nagayan had said things that he shouldn’t have said and now he couldn’t take them back. He’d practically confessed, he realized when he thought about it. Maybe he had? He couldn’t remember exactly what he had said, and he really didn’t want to. He didn’t care, he told himself. Tuti could ask him again if it had all been a joke. He wanted him to. He would be sure to tell Tuti now that everything had been a joke, and that Tuti was the one who was stupid if he thought it was anything other than that.
Because Nagayan had a million other people who he could turn to, he told himself, swallowing hard past the lump in his throat that just wouldn’t go away. He reminded himself too that it was by his own choice that he hadn’t dated anyone in so long.
He could start though. He would start, he told himself - tomorrow. And never again would he let anyone get under his skin like this. Because he didn’t need this. He didn’t need Tuti. He didn’t need anyone, Nagayan told himself. He had everything that he wanted already, and he was perfectly capable of keeping it that way. He certainly didn’t need to be fucking around with his friends like this, or acquaintances or former cast members or whatever the hell Tuti was to him now. He stopped for a second, considering what he had almost done today with Tuti. He certainly didn’t need that, he told himself, a little bitterly, ignoring how much it hurt somewhere deep inside of him, to think of this.
Because he told himself this, but the memory of this afternoon was not fading from his mind fast enough. It seemed somehow etched into his consciousness to the point where unless he was actively telling himself that he didn’t care, that he wouldn’t remember, he seemed to somehow be remembering everything all at once… He took another deep breath, one that filled and expanded inside his lungs uncomfortably, because his chest felt so tight. And all he could think of was how he had been gasping for breath earlier. His stomach turned over and over as he remembered Tuti’s hand moving up his arm, and Tuti’s lips pressed against his. Tuti leading him to the couch, and moving on top of him. He could feel Tuti’s hips pressed against his thigh, and Tuti’s fingers brushing over his chest. Nagayan could feel heat prickling below his waist now too, as he remembered, and it filled him with such an irrational rage he thought he was going to scream, or throw something, or punch a hole in the wall - anything to take his mind off the fact that just thinking about this afternoon had him completely turned on again.
And Nagayan knew he was probably overreacting. That none of this really made any sense, and that he should probably at least try to figure out what had happened. But it really didn’t matter. It was the perfect opportunity, actually, Nagayan figured, surprised to find himself thinking more clearly for a moment. He needed to do this, he told himself, to let all of this out. All of his fears, everything. Because when he stopped for a second to really think about this, he knew that most importantly, he had to figure out where he stood.
Because even if Tuti had come back tonight, even if he was here right now, even then, Nagayan knew that he probably would have just fallen into something, without thinking, without really deciding anything. He would follow Tuti’s lead, and it would feel good. But… if he was going to do that, then he had to be able to say, at least to himself, that he wanted this. Because Nagayan knew that until he was able to really admit to himself how he felt, it didn’t matter if Tuti had called or not, if he was here or not. Unless he admitted to his feelings, there was no point in being upset or angry, or hurt about anything. Sometimes Nagayan wondered how he could possibly feel something for so long, and feel it so strongly, without ever really stopping to consider what he should do about it, what it meant… and what it would mean, when it really came down to acting on it.
Kime thought he had figured it out a while ago, and had told him that he should say something. He had said he was sure Tuti had similar feelings, but that his friend would never say a word about anything unless Nagayan said it first. But Tuti had said something. Today. Tuti had started all of this today. He had brought up the kiss; he had said that he thought about kissing Nagayan again. And then Nagayan had told Tuti things too…
But maybe he should have said more, he realized, his throat tightening at the thought. Maybe if he had said more, if he had really been honest, maybe Tuti would be here right now. Nagayan knew that a lot of the time he just sort of glazed over the being honest part when it came to things like this, and he sometimes hated that about himself. He knew too that his instinct was always to stop short of actually trusting people enough to be completely honest. But maybe this is what Tuti had wanted? Maybe he had been disappointed.
He took a few deep breaths. More than a few - Nagayan sat there for a long time, breathing, and trying to think of nothing else but the air as it filled his lungs and exited them again. It was getting easier, he realized, and his chest was loosening the longer he sat there, though his mind seemed to continue running in circles. What did he want, he asked himself again. What would he do? He had to do something, right?
His thoughts drifted back to Tuti and this afternoon for what felt like the hundredth time. Tuti being bold, and taking a chance, and kissing him, and then kissing him again, and… it had been so good. Nagayan knew it had been good.
But Tuti had said he was scared. Maybe that’s why Tuti had backed off now. Or maybe he thought Nagayan was scared, that he didn’t want this. And Nagayan did, he realized. He really did. He wondered suddenly, what Tuti was afraid of though, specifically. He wanted to ask him. Maybe they were afraid of the same things, Nagayan realized, and for some reason he felt his cheeks getting a little warm with this thought.
What was he afraid of anyway? Nagayan thought for a second. Himself maybe? The insane, crazed, dizzy feeling he’d gotten the first time they’d kissed, and the fact that it had happened again, but that this time there had been nothing to stop him from giving Tuti everything. Maybe that was what he was afraid of. Because Nagayan knew, deep down, that once he admitted to Tuti how he felt, once he showed him that side of himself, there would be no turning back. He knew that once he started giving of himself, he wouldn’t be able to stop.
Nagayan had already fallen, he knew that, but… It was still ok, as long as he didn’t show Tuti, and Nagayan knew that he had been about to today. Without a second thought, just because he had gotten carried away. He had been about to give away that part of himself. And he knew that once he did that he would never be able to get it back. And somehow it seemed scarier, because Tuti was his friend. Because they were already close. Because he already cared, on other levels, about what happened between them. And because Nagayan knew that it would be a long time before he lived it down, and a long time before he would get over it, if he screwed this up.
But all of this was stupid, and Nagayan knew that it didn’t really matter at all. Because he wanted this. And he knew that he wanted it, and once he decided that he wanted something, he really didn’t know how to turn away from it. Not really, anyway. Even now, he was terrified, but…
He wanted to tell Tuti how he felt. He wanted to tell him everything. And he wanted to tell him now. Right now, before anything else happened to get in the way, and before he was able to come up with a reason not to. He would tell Tuti that he wanted this; that he wanted what had happened this afternoon to happen again… Even if it meant realizing that maybe Tuti didn’t. That maybe that was why he wasn’t here right now.
Nagayan raised an unsteady hand to his forehead and realized that he was sweating. His entire body felt jittery too. He knew that he was starving, but guessed that this feeling had more to do with what he was about to admit, than with how long it had been since his last meal. He glanced at the clock again.
It was almost 4:00 now. But it didn’t matter. He picked up his phone, punching in the numbers automatically, surprised that his fingers were going where he asked him to despite the fact that his hands were shaking. His heart was racing, and his throat felt dry and tight, and Nagayan wondered why all the sudden this seemed like the most important thing in the world, telling Tuti things that he had almost already said, but… he just needed to make sure. He needed to be completely honest, just once, about this, about something that he felt so strongly about. He needed to.
Nagayan closed his eyes and waited, trying not to think anything, because he was afraid that the smallest thing might cause him to close his phone and do something even more stupid. Like putting on his shoes and running over to Tuti’s apartment to tell him in person.
He knew that this shouldn’t be necessary though, because Tuti left his phone on, all the time. Nagayan had no idea why, and he’d always thought it was silly. But it meant he should pick up, even at this hour. Nagayan didn’t care how many times he had to call to wake Tuti up either. He held his breath and waited.
**
From somewhere far away, echoing through the empty apartment, Nagayan could hear the faint jingle of a cell phone ringing. The tune made him cringe as it always did, and it took him a few seconds before what was happening registered in his mind. Tuti’s annoying phone was ringing - in his house. Come to think of it, Nagayan swore that he had heard this sound several times recently, drifting into his sleep. Tuti left his phone here? That would be weird, but… that had to be it. He sighed, and clicked his phone shut. Well that would explain why he hadn’t called. Sort of.
Nagayan’s hands were still shaking when he set down his phone. It was strange though, how just the presence of Tuti’s phone in his apartment had filled him with a strange sense of being somehow connected to Tuti, when just a second ago he had been feeling really disconnected from everything. It had somehow made him feel a little calmer too, but still didn’t change the fact that he really, really needed to talk to Tuti right now.
He had the extremely irrational thought again of going to Tuti’s house. Of knocking on his door, and waking up the entire apartment building if he had to, until Tuti let him in. But… the trains had already stopped running. And Nagayan couldn’t even remember the last time he had called a taxi either. If it was for work, his manager always took care of that… And damn Tuti anyway, Nagayan was thinking. Even if he left his phone here, he still could have called. Nagayan knew that Moriyama had his number.
He sighed, but the breath caught in his throat, as he heard a distinct rustling coming from down the hallway, and he froze. His thoughts froze for a second too as he realized, and a sleepy half-groan confirmed something that really, at this point, seemed too good, too coincidental, and too strange to be true, all at the same time. But Nagayan knew that it was true. He had recognized that noise, and aside from that, he could feel it now. He couldn’t imagine how he had not been able to sense it before.
Tuti was here.
Tuti was here again, in his apartment, in the middle of the night, Nagayan was thinking, and suddenly all the energy he had just put into being sad and angry shifted. All Nagayan could think about was being close to Tuti… kissing him… the warmth of Tuti’s breath against his cheek before their lips met, and Tuti’s arm around his waist, pulling him closer. It seemed strange somehow, and made Nagayan feel a little crazy, the fact that he had been so upset, and so hurt, but that it had just vanished, and now all he could think of was wanting Tuti, and of wanting Tuti to know that he wanted him, and badly.
Some of what he was feeling was lust, he knew that, but… there was something more. He needed to know that Tuti wanted him too. He needed to know that this afternoon had meant something. He didn’t want Tuti to leave again without proving that to him, and without him proving to Tuti that it meant something to him too. A simple thing, he guessed, but… his heart was pounding, and he wondered if he had ever been more scared or more excited about anything in his entire life. He was nervous too, he realized, as he sat up and swung his legs over the bed, standing up, and blinking in the darkness.
He guessed that Tuti must still be asleep, though he wondered how he could have slept through that phone ringing. He wondered what had happened too, vaguely, how Tuti had gotten in, but... There was a distinctive noise of rustling again, and of movement, and Nagayan knew that Tuti was sitting up on the couch now, and that maybe he was rubbing his eyes, trying to figure out where he was. Nagayan took a deep breath and closed his eyes, telling himself to relax.
**
“You’re awake?”
Tuti’s groggy voice had startled Nagayan, even though he had been expecting it. He made no move to advance from the doorway though, mostly because his legs suddenly felt unsteady, and he could feel his entire body shaking where he stood. He looked at his feet, and tried to breathe, but his heart was pounding so hard he couldn’t concentrate. Tuti was talking, but he could barely hear him.
“…and so then when I got here I realized that your keys were still in my pocket, and-”
“Tuti.”
Nagayan cut him off, not caring about the explanation of why Tuti was on his couch at four in the morning anymore. Suddenly he didn’t care about anything, except for closing the distance between them as quickly as possible. Tuti had turned and was looking at him, not seeming nearly as confused as he should be, Nagayan was thinking, but it didn’t matter. He caught a flash of Tuti’s eyes for a brief second and the deep look was filled with energy, and intensity, and it was just the slight push Nagayan needed.
He reached the couch quickly, and before Tuti could react, Nagayan pushed him down onto his back, pinning his arms down at his sides. He straddled Tuti’s hips between his knees, realizing that for all of his determination, his legs had still gone a little weak at the warmth of Tuti’s body, and the softness of the skin under his fingers. Without pausing to contemplate the look of surprise on his friend’s face though, Nagayan bent forward kissed Tuti deeply, much more deeply than he remembered the last kiss had been, but he realized that maybe it just felt this way because he was in complete control this time.
Concentrating on Tuti’s responses, Nagayan allowed the kiss to deepen. Tuti was trembling under his touch, and Nagayan liked that. A lot. Tuti moaned as Nagayan moved his hips, pressing down hard and fast against him, both of them gasping at the friction between them, before Nagayan stretched his legs toward the end of the couch, moving a little to the side, and wrapping himself firmly around Tuti’s thigh. Nagayan was pressing his tongue deep into Tuti’s mouth too, as deep as he could, and he shivered at the rumbling noise Tuti made in the back of his throat when he sucked on his tongue a little. Tuti was sensitive too, Nagayan was discovering, and for some reason this caused the heat inside of him to burn a little deeper for a moment, as he concentrated on extracting as many sounds as he could from the man pinned underneath him.
It took him a few seconds to realize that Tuti had stopped responding though and that he was pulling away slightly. Unconsciously, Nagayan released some of the pressure from Tuti’s arms, and shifted his weight to the side a little more, which allowed Tuti to push himself up with his elbows, so that he was facing Nagayan.
Nagayan was suddenly embarrassed, and made an instinctive move to get up, mumbling an apology, but Tuti grabbed his wrist, stopping his forward motion, and causing him to slump back onto the couch next to him awkwardly.
“Takashi, what’s wrong?” Tuti studied him for a minute, his face still flushed, and then asked, a little more quietly, after taking a deep breath, “Tell me what you’re thinking?”
Nagayan was surprised by the last question, maybe just because it had been a long time since someone had asked him that. He was a little distracted too, because somehow he was sitting so close to Tuti that their legs were touching - patches of warmth that made Nagayan’s head swim when he concentrated on the contact too much.
“Takashi...” Tuti leaned towards Nagayan, and smiled nervously. “I didn’t mean that I wanted you to stop. It just…it seemed like something was wrong.”
Nagayan blinked several times, a little surprised at Tuti’s perceptiveness. He forced himself to swallow past the lump in his throat, telling himself that if he didn’t take this opportunity now he would regret it, because he couldn’t be guaranteed when there would be another one.
“You didn’t call,” he said quietly after a few seconds. “I woke up, and… all I could think about was that you weren’t here. I was really sad, and then… I realized you were here, and… Well, I couldn’t wait, I guess.” And Nagayan let out a nervous laugh, as Tuti stared at him, looking slightly taken aback. There was more that Nagayan wanted to say, but Tuti was already opening his mouth, looking concerned.
“I didn’t even realize that I’d left my phone here until we were halfway through rehearsal, and it ended up running late, so I figured it was faster to just come over. You didn’t answer the door, and… I’m sorry. I should have called anyway.”
Nagayan found himself smiling at this rather worried explanation on Tuti’s part. “Tuti, it’s ok.”
“It’s not ok.” Tuti shook his head and then looked at Nagayan. “You were sad?”
Nagayan took a deep breath. “Of course I was sad.”
Tuti frowned, and reached out tentatively to touch Nagayan’s hand, where it was resting on top of the leg that he had tucked under him. “You don’t remember me trying to wake you up?”
Nagayan stared at him, blinking at the sudden warmth of his friend’s hand. “No. Not at all,” he said quietly, and a little incredulously. “I must have been really tired.”
“Well, honestly, you seemed really comfortable. I couldn’t bring myself to try very hard.” Tuti smiled, the touch of his hand lingering for a few seconds before he moved it away. “I figured I’d just wait for you to wake up, but… I guess I was a little more tired than I’d thought.”
Nagayan nodded. “Yeah, same here.”
“And you know, when you didn’t answer the door, I thought for a minute about whether or not you would want me to let myself in. But I think I kind of know how you are.”
Nagayan laughed. “What’s that supposed to mean, how I am?”
Tuti grinned, seeming pleased with himself. “I just had a feeling you’d be glad to see me, that’s all.”
“Oh yeah?” Nagayan was looking at Tuti curiously, but his friend was obviously ignoring him.
Tuti’s expression changed after a second though, and Nagayan had the strange sensation that everything had gone still in the room, even though he was sure that nothing had really changed. Tuti was watching him, his eyes a mixture of sensitivity and curiosity.
“Seriously, what were you thinking before? Why were you sad?” And Tuti’s expression turned suddenly serious, at the look of surprise on Nagayan’s face. “I mean, don’t you think we should talk about this? About what’s happening here?”
Nagayan really hadn’t been expecting this, but… he found himself pouting a little, knowing that Tuti was right… “Do we have to?” He laughed a little at how much of a whine had crept into this voice. “I guess we do, right?”
Tuti nodded, and Nagayan could tell he was thinking about something. He was just starting wonder if he should be nervous, when Tuti asked again, “So what were you thinking, before you realized I was here?”
“Mou… Tuti, that’s not fair…” Nagayan shifted so that his legs were more comfortable, pulling them into a cross-legged position. He glanced at his friend, giving him his best dejected pout. “Why do I have to start?”
Tuti looked at him and laughed, running a hand over his head absently. “Ok, ok…”
Nagayan grinned. “So tell me, what were you thinking? After you left?”
“You really want to know?”
Nagayan rolled his eyes and laughed, but Tuti had turned to him with a serious look again.
“I missed you,” he said quietly. “As soon as I left I missed you. I missed being close to you, and kissing you, and all the way to rehearsal I kept thinking about how I wanted to turn around and come back. I almost did.” Tuti laughed. “But I knew you were asleep. And that I’d see you later.”
Nagayan smiled a little, and tried to convince himself that he wasn’t feeling his cheeks getting warm.
“And then all through rehearsal,” Tuti continued. “I was really distracted anyway! I would have been better off just coming back!”
Nagayan smiled again, his slight embarrassment fading, because he was finding this really amusing. “I was distracting you? How’s that even possible?” He raised an eyebrow at Tuti. “I’m pretty sure I was asleep.”
“Oh, you’ve been distracting me for quite a while,” Tuti said, laughing.
“Yeah? How so?” Nagayan was quickly deciding that this whole talking about things idea was maybe not so bad after all. Until Tuti started asking him questions again… which he was sure was coming soon. He sighed after a second though, because Tuti was still laughing, and obviously did not have plans for answering his question in any more detail.
Instead he just shook his head at Nagayan’s pout. “I’m not falling for that again. It’s your turn!”
Nagayan sighed again, and looked at Tuti. “You want to know what I was thinking? Before I called you?”
Tuti nodded, and his strait face seemed to turn Nagayan suddenly serious again too.
“I was thinking the same thing as you,” Nagayan said, realizing how good it felt to say this. “That I missed you. And I wondered why you weren’t here, if it was because of something that I did. Or something I didn’t do.”
Tuti was watching him, and Nagayan thought it looked like he was going to argue this line of reasoning, or something, but instead, Tuti just asked, tentatively, “So why did you call me? What were you going to say?”
Nagayan shifted a little closer to Tuti, somewhat unconsciously. “Well, at first I was angry. So I was going to call and yell at you, or something. But…” Tuti’s mouth was curved into a slight smile, but Nagayan could tell that he was nervous. “Then I realized that I really just wanted to make sure. That you knew.”
“That I knew what?” Tuti asked quietly.
“That this is what I want,” Nagayan looked up at Tuti. “Because, I really do. I really want this. I was afraid that it seemed like I was confused, but…” And Nagayan looked at Tuti again, his eyes flashing with urgency. “I’m not, ok? Not about this.”
Tuti wasn’t saying anything, but Nagayan could feel himself drifting closer to him on the couch and he realized after a second that this was because Tuti was pulling him forward, shifting to make room for him, and wrapping his arm around his back.
“I’m not confused either,” Tuti said softly into Nagayan’s hair.
Nagayan closed his eyes, shivering a little as Tuti brushed the hair from his forehead and then pressed his lips to the skin there. “I mean, about some things I am,” Tuti said after a second. “I have no idea how to do this, but... I think we can figure it out, right?”
Nagayan had moved a little so that he could see Tuti’s face, and he looked down at his friend for a long time, shifting after a minute from one arm to the other. He had only noticed that his arm was getting tired though because it had started shaking. In general his body and his head felt impossibly light, so he had been surprised, to find that he had any weight left at all to strain his muscles with.
And he was sure that he was grinning stupidly already, but Nagayan felt his smile grow a little more, as Tuti softly said the words that he would remember for a long time because they seemed to somehow signify the beginning of something, even though, when he really thought about it, he realized that all of this had begun a long time ago.
Nagayan’s other arm was starting to shake now, as Tuti said, quietly, urgently, but with complete clarity and conviction, “Kiss me.”
Nagayan’s smile grew a little wider, and after a second of pretending to contemplate this request, he realized that there was really no way that he could wait any longer.
He felt his insides turn to fire, as a gentle hand low on his back guided him on top of Tuti. He could feel the hard lines of Tuti’s body underneath him, as he bent forward, feeling his friend’s swift intake of air before their lips met. Immediately he felt another rush of fiery warmth move through him as their tongues slid together, pushing and pressing and exploring, as their bodies moved against each other.
Nagayan moved his hips unconsciously, and let out a low moan as he felt Tuti move with him. He could feel a dull throbbing below his waist too, and he gasped as Tuti let out a groan and moved his hips too, the contact sending a shudder through Nagayan’s body. He knew that his kiss was getting a little sloppy as they began to move together in a slow rhythm, one that Nagayan quickly realized was driving him crazy as he discovered more and more clearly what he wanted - what he really wanted. He had no idea how this would work, but he guessed that judging from his experience so far with Tuti, he probably didn’t have much to worry about.
In a low whisper, he told Tuti that his bed was more comfortable, surprised at how rough his voice sounded. Tuti laughed at this, but the laugh was deep and sexy and unlike any laugh Nagayan had heard from his friend before. He decided then and there that he would do everything in his power make sure that he continued to hear this laugh as often as possible.
They had gotten up quickly from the couch, and Nagayan’s eyes remained clouded over for a few seconds longer than he would have liked, though he had no idea if this was because he hadn’t eaten in so long, or because he was feeling almost delirious, thinking about how good it felt being with Tuti like this. He really wasn’t sure how he made it down the hallway without stumbling into something though.
His legs were still shaking as he sat down at the end of the bed, and he wondered if he was nervous. His hands were shaking too, as he fumbled with the handle on the drawer to the nightstand. He didn’t feel nervous, but…he could barely think; he was so distracted by the throbbing of his heart and the throbbing below his waist, that he almost dropped the small bottle from his hands when he felt Tuti’s arms wrapping around his shoulders from behind, and the warmth of Tuti’s breath brushing against his neck.
“Takashi, relax.” Tuti was whispering, but Nagayan couldn’t help but laugh, because Tuti’s voice was shaking so much that it was obvious his friend had no business telling anyone to relax.
He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, as Tuti took the bottle from his hand, pressing his lips to Nagayan’s throat gently. Nagayan turned his head and smiled a little before moving his lips against Tuti’s again. With as much energy and determination as he could manage, he realized that he was trying to erase the nervousness from both of them with this kiss, and that he was trying to tell Tuti that he trusted him, and that this was ok too, because he didn’t know how else to show him this right now.
He was trying also to lose himself in how good this felt, because he realized that this was exactly what he wanted right now. As he felt his back pressing into the familiar softness of his bed though, and looked up to find Tuti staring down at him with eyes clouded over with desire, Nagayan realized that he had probably already been lost for a while.
Tuti’s hands moved to Nagayan’s hips, his fingers sliding under the waistband of his pants and Nagayan shifted a little, without hesitating, so that Tuti could remove them easily. The fabric brushed against the tip of his erection slightly before disappearing from sight and onto the floor near the edge of the bed.
Tuti was glancing down at him though, hesitantly, and Nagayan realized that he must still seem nervous, or scared, or something…
“Gomen, Tuti, I don’t know why-” But his voice broke off as he realized Tuti was moving towards him again. Tuti kissed him quickly, deeply, before Nagayan moved his arms, allowing Tuti to pull the shirt off over his head. Tuti looked down at him for a long moment, and Nagayan felt his entire body warming under the attention. He gave Tuti a half-smile, even though his heart was thumping so hard against his ribs that he thought his chest might explode
“I’m a little nervous too, it’s ok,” Tuti was saying breathlessly, but Nagayan had stopped listening, a little in awe of how right this felt, both of them completely unguarded like this. He sat up a little, fumbling for the edge of Tuti’s shirt and pulling it over his friend’s head, shivering a little when his fingers brushed against warm skin. He allowed his fingers to trace their way down Tuti’s chest, and along the muscles of his stomach, coming to rest just above his waist.
Nagayan closed his eyes, and after a second, Tuti slid down next to him. He allowed his pants and boxers to be removed slowly, almost tentatively, by Nagayan’s fingers and pressed a soft kiss to his neck, as his remaining clothes landed with a soft sound onto the floor.
Nagayan blinked and opened his eyes, turning towards Tuti a little as he felt Tuti’s fingers tracing down the side of his face, along his neck, and across his collarbone. He shivered, and moved towards Tuti, searching for his lips a little desperately, because he really didn’t know what else to do. He was happy when the kiss deepened, and when he was able to lose himself for a few minutes in the sensation of being able to kiss Tuti and feel the warmth of his skin next to him. This was driving him crazy too though, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he would be able to hold out.
“Mou… Tuti… I want you,” Nagayan whispered suddenly, surprising himself a little at his boldness.
“Oh really?” Tuti seemed surprised too, and he laughed the same low, sexy laugh from before, and then kissed Nagayan again, without waiting for his response.
Then Nagayan could feel Tuti’s hand wrapping around him, and he moaned, feeling the warm liquid between Tuti’s fingers sliding up and down his length. He turned his head towards Tuti, finding his lips by instinct again and feeling them part at his touch. The space between them was beginning to feel really familiar too and everything felt so good, that Nagayan wasn’t sure how he had ever wondered whether or not he wanted this. Nagayan moaned and gasped as Tuti ran his thumb over his tip a few times, teasing him a little, before moving his hand down Nagayan’s length, and past it. Tuti’s hand hovered there for a moment, and he kissed Nagayan deeply, waiting…
“Tuti, please…” He knew that his voice was barely audible, but he was also sure that Tuti knew, probably from their kiss a second ago, that he wanted this, and that he had given his permission and his trust a long time ago.
He could feel Tuti’s erection pressing against his leg as a cool, slick finger entered him, slowly, and almost tentatively. He shivered and moaned at the sensation, realizing how tight he was. He had been a little concerned, for a split second, wondering how it would feel, because it had been such a long time since someone had touched him like this, but this concern quickly faded as he realized with a shudder how completely good, and surprisingly natural this felt.
He realized that he had been squeezing his eyes shut tight though, and when he opened them, Tuti was staring down at him, questioning him, which Nagayan wasn’t really used to in this situation. Usually he was in a little more control than this, and if anything, he was the one who would be questioning but… With Tuti, he realized, he liked it like this. Everything felt right, and good, and… Nagayan realized that he must be smiling, because Tuti was smiling back at him, looking as happy and as turned on as he was feeling right now.
Tuti bent down to kiss him, and as he did, Nagayan felt him move a second finger into him. He moaned into Tuti’s mouth as he felt his fingers moving inside of him, searching, and pressing against him lightly after a second. Nagayan gasped, breaking the kiss for a moment, as a tremor of pleasure moved through his body. He immediately found Tuti’s lips again and kissed him deeply, hungrily, as he tried to will himself not to come. Nagayan found himself moaning again when Tuti moved his hips a little, and then Tuti’s fingers pressed inside of him again and he whimpered and moved his hand to himself, without thinking. He watched as Tuti smiled when he began to move his hand slowly, moaning at the sensation, as Tuti slid a third finger inside of him.
Nagayan felt his whole body tighten and shake as Tuti began to move his fingers again, stretching him gently, and he let out a long sigh as he felt Tuti move his hips again, pressing against him a little harder each time he moved. Another press of fingers inside of him, and Nagayan was pulling Tuti closer, kissing him, and then he was moaning, as he moved his hand over his tip and felt warm drops of liquid there. “Tuti… now…” He whispered and felt his muscles tighten around Tuti’s fingers inside of him. “Please, Tuti… now. Please…”
He was whimpering, and begging, and Tuti was kissing him again, and he could feel that his face was flushed and warm. His whole body felt warm too, radiating heat from somewhere inside of him, somewhere that was longing for Tuti, that couldn’t wait for Tuti to move closer, to enter him, to connect inside of him.
Tuti was on top of him now, the tip of his erection between Nagayan’s legs and he could tell that Tuti was hesitating, just before his entrance and he wrapped his arms around his friend’s back, whispering and panting. “It’s ok… Please, Tuti. I want you. Please.” He looked up at the dark eyes staring down at him, and shivered, realizing how badly he wanted this right now.
It was more than feeling good; more than anything, Nagayan wanted to be close to Tuti, he wanted to feel himself tightening around Tuti, he wanted Tuti lost inside of him. He moaned a little at this thought as he felt Tuti’s wet tip pressing against his entrance, and then his friend nodded a little and smiled for a second, before kissing him again.
He began to enter him slowly, and Nagayan moaned and moved his hips, so that Tuti was able to slide into him more easily. Nagayan concentrated on the warmth inside of him and he could feel Tuti’s body trembling under his fingers as he moved his hands lightly up his friend’s back, enjoying the shiver he could feel move through Tuti and then him at the contact. He tipped his hips a little more and felt Tuti slide deeper inside of him, and then the room and the bed and everything else seemed to melt into a sort of oblivion.
Tuti was inside of him, Nagayan was thinking after a minute though, and he was surprised because, well, usually at times like these he wasn’t thinking anything at all. But suddenly he seemed to be thinking and feeling a lot of things at once. On the couch he had been overwhelmed and it had seemed too fast, too soon, and now it just seemed right, and perfect, and he knew that there was nothing to question anymore. There was no doubt in his mind that this was where he belonged, and where Tuti belonged, connected like this, and he was amazed because he had never felt like this before, or thought of it this way…
But suddenly Nagayan’s thoughts cut out as Tuti shifted, and slid further inside of him.
And Tuti was kissing him again, slowly, exploring his mouth as if they had never done this before, and for some reason, it felt like he was exploring Tuti again for the first time too. Nagayan marveled at this for a second before gasping and making a loud noise of pleasure when Tuti shifted inside of him. He shuddered and smiled at Tuti’s moan as he tightened himself around him.
Nagayan felt hot tears prickling at the corners of his eyes though as Tuti looked down at him, touching his face lightly with his fingers, smiling at him, and then kissing his forehead and his cheeks and down his neck as he moved inside of him gently. Nagayan swallowed hard and blinked, trying not to be completely overcome with everything he was feeling right now. Because never before had something felt so perfect, and so right to him. There was no struggle for control, no push and pull, no worrying about pleasing anyone, it was just… perfect. It had been a long time since Nagayan had thought that anything was perfect.
And now he was thinking this about something that he knew should probably scare him, but instead felt like the most wonderful realization in the world and made his face feel a little warmer, and the space where Tuti was inside of him feel a little more amazing. They were perfect, Nagayan was thinking. He was perfect, with Tuti, and they were perfect. Together. It was something that it would take Nagayan a long time to say out loud, but… it was something that he was completely sure of, even now, and something that he would remain completely sure of for a long time to come.
Nagayan arched his back and watched as Tuti’s face contorted in pleasure as he moaned and moved just a little deeper inside of him. Nagayan’s body was shaking as Tuti began to move again, slowly at first. He realized that he was gripping the sheets after a moment, and moved his arms around Tuti’s waist again, feeling Tuti’s body tremble with each thrust. Nagayan moved his hands up Tuti’s back, pulling him forward, and then arching up to meet him in a deep, but rather sloppy kiss. They broke the kiss after a second and Nagayan laughed, low and quiet, surprised at how relaxed he was, moving with Tuti in what had become a gentle rhythm again. He closed his eyes, gasping a little each time Tuti moved and pressed inside of him. He was lost, but at the same time… he was very aware of this experience. He knew that he would remember it later in perfect, amazing detail.
Tuti was staring down at him, as Nagayan opened his eyes. He was panting, completely out of breath, and Tuti’s eyes seemed to be swallowing him with an intensity that caused his face to flush even more deeply, as Tuti bent down to kiss him. Tuti’s tongue flicked across his teeth and sucked on his tongue a little, before the kiss deepened and Nagayan could feel his erection begin to throb again. He moaned a little, and then whimpered, breaking the kiss, as he felt Tuti’s fingers wrapping around him again. Tuti’s thumb rubbed across his wet tip, spreading the moisture across and around before his hand gripped him tightly, and fell into rhythm with their movement. Nagayan gasped and forced his eyes open, because somehow he needed to see Tuti’s face right now.
Tuti’s eyes were closed, and he was breathing hard and Nagayan could feel his thrusts rocking against him, and causing the bed under them to shake and groan. Nagayan barely noticed these noises though, and he found himself moaning shamelessly for Tuti to move faster, harder. In another second he could feel himself start to come with a gasp and a tremor over Tuti’s hand, as Tuti thrust hard and finished with a long shudder inside of him.
**
A long moment stretched between them, where everything was still, and all Nagayan could hear was the deep pulse of his heart echoing in his head. He could feel Tuti trembling on top of him though, as he ran his hand across the curve of Tuti’s back, feeling the slickness of his sweat, a slight smile on his lips.
Tuti was heavy, and Nagayan could barely breathe, but he didn’t care. It didn’t matter because he didn’t want Tuti to move, to break this contact, or to break the connection he felt with him right now. When Tuti gently slid out of him after a minute though, Nagayan found that the brief ache of separation faded quickly as he realized that right now he still felt closer to Tuti than he ever had before.
Tuti’s voice was soft, as he glanced at Nagayan, reaching over, and touching the corner of his eye, “You had better tell me this is your allergies, because…”
Nagayan blinked, confused, before he realized that there had been a spot of moisture there. He laughed a little, realizing that he wasn’t really embarrassed, but felt the sound catch in his throat as Tuti leaned forward towards him.
“Takashi…” he said quietly, as if he hadn’t been calling him by his first name for years.
“Yuuichi?” Nagayan asked with a smile.
He was surprised at how nice it felt to say this as their lips met again with an unexpected amount of enthusiasm. This urgency quickly faded into a sort of calm though, and they broke away together, after a few minutes, as Tuti said breathlessly, “Stay here.”
And he got up, returning after a second with a towel, and handing it to Nagayan, sitting down next to him. Nagayan smiled a little at the look that Tuti was giving him.
“What?” He asked after a second, sitting up, his smile turning a little suspicious. “Don’t look at me like that, what?”
Tuti chuckled deviously. “So do you always make that much noise, or…”
“No,” Nagayan said quickly, and then pouted a little. “Leave me alone, Tuti, I’m tired, and when I’m tired, I-”
“Tired?” Tuti interrupted, grinning. “Haven’t you been asleep all day?”
“Tuti…” Nagayan whined, and moved back towards the head of the bed, leaning back on one of the pillows he had grabbed and shoving the other one at Tuti roughly.
“I’m kidding!” And then Tuti lowered his voice. “You can make all the noise you want.”
Nagayan glared a little more, and then laughed, as Tuti moved up next to him. “And what about you!”
“What about me? You’d definitely win…if we were keeping track of those sorts of things.”
Nagayan pouted a little again, but his eyes were smiling. “Besides, it was really good. How could I not make noise?”
Tuti looked at him for a second and then said quietly, “I know, it was really good, wasn’t it?”
“Tuti, it was amazing,” Nagayan said honestly. “Where did you…?”
“I don’t know.” Tuti shrugged and looked a little embarrassed. “It just felt right, I guess.”
Nagayan smiled. “It did, right?”
Tuti nodded and smiled deviously again. “You sure seemed to know what you wanted though.”
Nagayan laughed, because he hadn’t really thought of it that way, but.... “That’s true. I did.”
“Oh really?”
Nagayan nodded, and they both laughed for a second.
“How did that even happen?” Nagayan asked, because he realized that he was still a little incredulous.
“Well, you started it, I’m pretty sure. On the couch? I thought you were going to-”
Nagayan laughed, cutting him off. “Yeah, me too! But… this way was good too.” He watched as Tuti grinned at his blush and he glared at him, just a little. “Whatever you were going to say, you can just forget it!”
They laughed together for a second, and Nagayan wondered suddenly how it was possible for all of this to feel so normal. Well, he figured, except for the fact that they were still naked and still in bed, and that he had just had the best orgasm ever - it was completely normal.
“Tuti, do you think this is weird?” Nagayan’s voice wasn’t tentative, just curious.
“Weird?”
“Yeah, I don’t know.” And Nagayan shrugged, realizing that he probably wasn’t making any sense. “You don’t think so?”
“Weirder than you kissing me backstage and then waiting three months to talk about it, or… Weirder than me wanting you so badly that I can barely think about anything else when we’re together?”
Nagayan glanced at Tuti, a little surprised.
“I’m serious.” Tuti looked at Nagayan, as if he was contemplating something. “When you walked into the bar yesterday, I…”
“You what?”
Tuti laughed. “ I don’t know, I just…”
And Nagayan was suddenly feeling a little bold. “You wanted me,” he said with a sly half-smile.
“Maybe a little.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Tuti said with a grin.
“I see, so that’s why you ignored me?” Nagayan was smiling though, realizing how silly this all seemed now.
“Well, yeah… At first, anyway.”
Nagayan laughed loudly, and then his face turned serious for a second, because he thought that maybe Tuti didn’t realize... “Baka… I wanted you too.”
Tuti smiled, poking Nagayan’s thigh with a long finger. “You were drunk. And flirting.”
Nagayan gasped, and looked from his leg to Tuti, giving him a strange look, before he punched his arm. “I was not!”
“Takashi, you were.”
“Not really,” Nagayan pouted. “I wanted you to come over.”
“Sure, sure. But you were still flirting with that guy at the bar,” Tuti said, winking.
“I wasn’t!” Nagayan frowned. “Mou… I don’t even remember why I started talking to that guy…”
“I know, I know, I’m sorry.” Tuti smiled and kissed Nagayan softly on the lips until he smiled back. “That reminds me…” Tuti said after a second, “How do you feel?”
Nagayan shrugged, thinking. “Fine. A little hungry?”
“Should we go somewhere?”
Nagayan laughed. “Tuti, it’s like 5AM, right?”
Tuti looked surprised. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. Well, let me make you something then.”
“Yeah? Like what?” Nagayan asked, his eyes lighting up.
“Anything you want,” Tuti said confidently, grinning.
Nagayan thought for a second. “Pancakes,” he told him decidedly.
Tuti laughed. “I meant real food. We haven’t even had dinner.”
Nagayan’s eyes widened and he gasped. “Pancakes are real food! And I don’t think dinner matters at this point.”
Tuti sighed. “Fine, fine, you win.” He started to get up from the bed, reaching for his clothes on the floor. “Are you going to take a shower while I start?”
“Either that, or we could take one together.”
Nagayan wrapped his arms around Tuti’s waist, and placed a light kiss on his shoulder, because he couldn’t reach his neck comfortably, sitting next to him like this, and because he was too tired and sore to move any more right now.
He shivered a little as Tuti leaned over and kissed him. His stomach grumbled loudly after a second though, and he realized that he really did need to eat something soon. He was enjoying the kiss though, and waited a second before he pulled away. “Mmm…Tuti, let’s shower fast, I’m really hungry!” he whispered, trying not to whine too much, but knowing that it had probably crept into his voice anyway.
Tuti laughed and nodded, and then looked at him for a second, curiously. “You know, I really have no idea why we waited so long to do this, do you?”
“No idea,” Nagayan said, grinning as he allowed Tuti to help him up from the bed, mostly just because he enjoyed the warmth of Tuti’s hands on his shoulders right now.
They were halfway down the hallway when Tuti suddenly stopped and turned to him. He looked at him for a second before pulling him into a tight hug, one that reminded Nagayan suddenly of being backstage, months ago, except that now, he felt like he understood why it always seemed like Tuti hugged him twice as hard as anyone else back then.
Nagayan shivered a little as Tuti whispered in his ear, and he wondered if somehow his friend had learned how to read his mind, as he said, his voice shaking a little, “Takashi, I’ve always wanted you.”
Nagayan felt himself sag a little in Tuti’s arms before he whispered back, “I know. I’ve always wanted you too.”
Tuti held him close for a moment before he loosened his grip, and laughed. “Well, I’m glad we go that out.”
Nagayan sighed, smiling as Tuti grabbed his hand, pulling him for the few remaining steps down the hallway and into the bathroom with him, bouncing with what Nagayan felt was entirely too much energy for this early hour.
His stomach grumbled again noisily too, though he realized now that as much as he was looking forward to having Tuti cook for him, he might just be looking forward to this shower even more. In fact, he was thinking, a small smile creeping across his face, as he watched Tuti bending forward in front of him, fumbling with the faucets - it was entirely possible that he was no longer hungry at all.
Tuti stood up after a second, studying the look on Nagayan’s face curiously before laughing, and stepping into the shower. He poked his head around the shower curtain impatiently after a second though, flicking a small splash of water across the bathroom at Nagayan from between his fingers and Nagayan decided with a grin that it was true - he definitely wasn’t hungry at all anymore.
**
OWARI