Chapter Three...
Title: Pulse
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Word Count: 7,288
Chapter: 3/?
Warnings: yaoi...angst?
Rating: PG-13 for now (basically just for situations involving alcohol and brief language)
Notes: This takes place sometime in the early spring, a few months after the end of the 4th musical. Next chapter will be Nagayan... Yay! (I miss him... *sniff*) Comments would be greatly appreciated! ^__^
Disclaimer: No basis in reality. Possible incorrect retelling of events? I'm bad with timelines and stuff like that, so... ^_^
Beta by kooriyoukai :)
x-posted to tutixnagayan
( Chapter One ) ( Chapter Two )
Tuti had fumbled with the keys for a while outside the door to Takashi’s apartment, trying to separate and locate his friend’s apartment keys from the massive mess of things jumbled together on his key ring. He was trying to hurry, despite the fact that his nervousness about his friend’s state, and probably the physical strain from carrying him so far, was making him fumble much more than he should’ve been. It definitely wasn’t the alcohol, because Tuti felt as though he had been forced into complete alertness a long time ago.
He knew he would end up blaming himself if something happened to Takashi, and this thought really scared him, to the point where he was sure that he would be sober by now no matter how much he had to drink. The whole situation just felt wrong, especially the thought that something bad happening to Takashi was even a possibility, and that it was likely a possibility because of him, because he had called Takashi tonight. Tuti shook his head a little though, in an attempt to change the direction of his thoughts. He knew that he had to focus on getting them inside, and then… well, the rest would have to come later.
Because running through his mind as he struggled to keep one arm around Takashi, whose breath against Tuti’s neck and ear was becoming increasingly more distracting as time went on, was the fact that it had taken them almost twenty minutes to cross the distance from the bar to his friend’s apartment, and that during that time Takashi had been sick twice so far, the second time being about ten minutes ago, when they were halfway here so… Tuti was a little afraid that his friend was due to be sick again. And he really didn’t want that to happen out here in the hallway, or anywhere else for that matter that wasn’t the bathroom.
His friend looked a little pale too, Tuti was thinking, just as they stepped through the doorway. And the look on Takashi’s face made any relief he had felt upon making it inside disappear almost instantly. He didn’t even get a chance to kick off his shoes in his haste, as he attempted to lead his friend in the direction that he figured the bathroom must be in. Thankfully the apartment was relatively small, and despite his state, Takashi must have been aware enough to try to head to the right place too, because Tuti had the strange impression after a second that he was being half-led down the hallway.
They had just reached the bathroom, and without realizing it in his relief, Tuti’s grip loosened around Takashi’s waist slightly as he tried to guide them through the doorway. Takashi’s arm had slipped from where it had been slung around Tuti’s neck too, and Tuti realized a second too late that the loose pressure of his arm around Takashi’s waist had been the only thing keeping Takashi from pitching forward as the shorter man began to fall. He instinctively moved towards his friend, and grabbed at the back of Takashi’s shirt with his other hand in an attempt to stop his forward descent... but this just caused both of them to lose their balance completely, and before Tuti realized what was happening, they had both fallen, hard, onto the tiled floor.
It took him a few seconds to realize what exactly had happened, but then Tuti felt something hard jutting into his back, and groaned a little as he tried to sit up, pulling his friend up with him from the slumped over position they had ended up in, which just happened to place Takashi sprawled directly between Tuti’s legs. Tuti figured that he had broken most of the fall for both of them though, as he shifted around, feeling an ache here and there where the impact had been most severe. When he had succeeded in pulling them both to a sitting position he tried to move his legs a bit, but there really wasn’t enough room, and after a few seconds, Tuti gave up, figuring that there was no real reason to even try to adjust their somewhat uncomfortable position because, well, no one was looking anyway, and he had more important things to worry about.
He could feel his hand shaking a little, probably an after effect of the rush of adrenaline he’d experienced from completely losing his balance, as he touched his fingers to his friend’s arm, hoping to get some kind of assurance from him that, at the very least, Takashi hadn’t broken something when they fell, and that he hadn’t completely passed out.
Takashi didn’t acknowledge him at first, but after a second, Tuti heard a faint whine escape from his friend’s throat, and he moved forward slightly, giving Tuti the flexibility to cross his legs in front of him, and to lean forward and around his friend, so that he could actually see his face. In a low voice, he asked Takashi what was wrong, if he was ok. He really wanted the answer to this question to be yes, he realized, but figured that he knew differently. He was worried for a second too that his friend actually had gotten hurt somewhere when they had fallen, and was somewhat relieved when Takashi turned his head towards him just a little. “What is it…” he tried to ask gently, though the end of the question caught in his throat as he realized that Takashi’s eyes were glistening with moisture as he blinked slowly and then turned away, leaning forward awkwardly and moving his arms to grip the sides of the toilet in front of him as he vomited loudly.
Tuti could feel his face turning slightly warm, not because he really thought there was anything embarrassing about his friend being sick, but because he knew that Takashi would be embarrassed. He had never seen Takashi upset like this before either, and he knew that he must be feeling really sick, and really out of it if he wasn’t even trying to hide this from him.
Tuti placed his hand on his friend’s shoulder, tentatively, not knowing exactly what to do. He wondered if it made sense to take him to the hospital, but decided that as long as he was getting everything out of his system now, here, it was probably ok to just stay where they were, as long as he watched him closely. He felt a little bad, because he knew that if it were him in this situation, feeling like this, he really would probably just want to be left alone, but... Tuti couldn’t leave him alone. And he felt too that it was important somehow, for Takashi to know that he was there. Even if his friend had been half-shrugging off his attempts to help him for a while now. Maybe it was something in the look Takashi had just shown Tuti, or something else, he wasn’t sure.
And even though Tuti realized that trying to shut him out was probably just some sort of instinct Takashi had to try to keep people away when he knew he was weak, and not feeling like himself, it still left Tuti feeling somewhat helpless, and for some reason more worried than he felt like he would be if he could find something more active to do to help his friend.
He knew that he had to do something with his energy too, which oddly, he found he had a lot of, despite the late hour, and despite the fact that he knew he should be exhausted. Tuti watched Takashi closely, as he had been all along, but he found that he felt better if he at least tried talking to his friend. If he kept a running dialogue going it would help to relax him too, and distract him from feeling too awkward about the situation. Because Tuti couldn’t help but think that he was probably just the wrong person to be seeing Takashi like this right now. Kimeru, or someone Takashi was closer to, should be here with him. He wondered if maybe he should have taken Kimeru up on his offer to meet them, actually. Then he would likely be home by now, and well on his way to forgetting about this entire evening. This would have been fine, except that Tuti knew that part of him, a larger part than he was probably comfortable admitting, wanted to be here for Takashi, even like this.
Tuti leaned forward with a light touch to brush the hair from his Takashi’s face, as his friend continued to hover over the toilet, his arms shaking, and his breaths coming sharp and ragged. He could tell that Takashi was trying to relax, but that the reflexes of his body were simply not allowing this, as he heaved and gagged over the bowl. Tuti spoke softly to his friend, telling him random details about the evening, stupid things the people at his table had said or done, anything he could think of. He liked to think that Takashi was listening, but figured it didn’t really matter either way. Because he really didn’t mind, he figured. Being here, any of this.
Tuti really had no idea if it had been five minutes or five hours that they had been sitting there, until he looked at a clock, which was balanced near the end of the shelves on the far corner of the bathroom, and saw that it read 4:27AM.
Tuti tried to figure out how on earth it had gotten this late. They must had been at the bar until after three, he guessed, and then… he figured it had taken them a while to get home. And so… yeah, Tuti guessed that it had made sense after all.
He glanced at Takashi, realizing that his friend hadn’t moved in a minute or two. He wasn’t sure if this was good or bad, but Tuti was surprised when Takashi suddenly let go of the toilet. His upper body swayed a little, before he half-moved, half-fell backwards against Tuti’s chest.
Takashi’s breathing was shallow, and he moved his legs a little, pulling them towards him with what looked like a lot of effort, before he let his head fall backwards. Tuti found that he had to lean back and sit up a little straighter, so that he was able to support his friend comfortably. He was surprised at first, and found his heart pounding a little, because he realized that he was now closer to his friend than he had probably ever been as long as he had known him.
He could feel too, the curves of Takashi’s back pressed against him, how the warmth he was giving off seemed to shift and move with his breath and how almost… connected he felt to Takashi right now. After a second though, Tuti started to get a little worried again, because right now, even more so than before, he realized that he really had no idea what to do. He didn’t know how to sit here, how to be close to Takashi like this. He didn’t know if he should move away, or say something, a joke, or laugh, anything, because it was too quiet now, and… maybe it was just the strangeness of the situation, or the fact that he was feeling stressed, and tired, but…
He found that he was relieved when Takashi shifted forward, a little stiffly. He really wasn’t sure if Takashi was aware of any of this or not, but when Tuti placed his hands on Takashi’s back instinctively and pressed lightly with his fingers, he felt his friend’s body visibly sag a little, and he figured that this must be what he wanted. Which was fine. Because it meant that there was something he could do. Something that didn’t feel as weird as everything else did right now. Something he had done before, and something he knew Takashi liked, normally. He didn’t know why he hadn’t thought of it sooner.
Tuti began to knead Takashi’s shoulders gently, gradually working out a knot here and there, and he listened as his friend’s breathing became a little more regular. Tuti paused after a few seconds though, blinking at the shiver he felt run through Takashi when his fingers met the bare skin of his shoulders. He felt himself shiver too, and… Tuti took a deep breath, and tried to will the hairs on his arms to stop standing on end.
Takashi’s eyes were closed and every so often Tuti could just barely hear him hum softly, a low noise that came from deep in his throat. When he made this noise, he pressed back a little, closing the gap between them gradually, until Tuti realized they were just as close as they had been a few minutes ago, except that now, it didn’t feel so strange. It seemed almost natural, and this came as both a surprise and a relief to Tuti.
Takashi seemed fine, relaxed even for maybe a half hour, maybe more, but then Tuti felt Takashi’s body turn completely still, as his breathing quickened a little. Tuti could feel his shoulders tensing up too, as he figured he tried to fight whatever it was he was feeling, but after a minute or so, Takashi leaned forward and was sick again.
Things fell into a sort of hazy rhythm after that, and Tuti found that he no longer really noticed any strangeness at all, having Takashi pressed against his chest for periods of time that were gradually becoming longer and longer, as the time that Takashi was actually sick for gradually decreased.
He had just begun to feel his legs going numb though, from sitting in one place so long, before he looked at the clock, blinking and shaking his head at the fact that it was clearly morning now. Tuti took it as a good sign when he realized that his friend had not moved in a very long time, and wondered if he might even have fallen asleep. He shifted a little and leaned in, asking Takashi, quietly, if he wanted to go to bed. Takashi’s response was one word, the first coherent word Tuti had heard from him in a long time. Tired, he told his friend, pouting a little when Tuti couldn’t help but smile.
**
Tuti found that he was getting used to carrying his friend around, and so he had been surprised when after he helped his friend up, Takashi had shrugged him off, a little unsteadily, and walked himself down the hallway to his bedroom. He allowed Tuti to tuck him into bed though, which normally, he was sure, would have been completely out of the question and Tuti smiled to himself. Takashi thanked him too, though Tuti was sure he wouldn’t remember any of this in the morning, and closed his eyes, rolling over onto his side.
Tuti stood there for a second, staring down at his friend who now seemed completely oblivious to his presence, and tried to decide what to do. He glanced around the room, realizing to his slight surprise that Takashi really didn’t have very much furniture. The room wasn’t small, but… aside from the bed, which was pushed against the corner of the far right wall, there really wasn’t anywhere to sit.
He stared at the corner of the bed next to Takashi’s feet, which had been shifting around restlessly at first, but had stopped moving now. He was still worried, he guessed. Takashi seemed ok, but… There was no way Tuti would be able to sleep in the next room right now without driving himself insane, imagining something bad happening - Takashi getting sick again, or… something. But he also didn’t want to think about how strange it would be for Takashi to wake up in the morning to a crazed, sleep-deprived Tuti hovering over him. So Tuti decided he would just stay for a while. An hour or so… just to make sure his friend was really ok. He had already stayed up all night, so… he figured it hardly made a difference now.
Tuti quietly removed his shoes, and sat down on the end of the bed next to Takashi as gently as he could, sliding back slowly, until his back met with the wall. He grimaced as the mattress sagged and shifted and Takashi moved in his sleep, or almost-sleep, he wasn’t sure. Tuti took this opportunity though to press the back of his hand to his friend’s cheek for just a second, and then, for good measure he brushed the messy bangs away from his friend’s forehead and pressed his hand there too.
He seemed fine, but still, Tuti guessed that maybe at some point he had entertained the possibility of something really bad happening tonight, something irreversible, and now that the threat of losing his friend, however small and irrational it had actually been was gone, Tuti was having a hard time getting the lingering feeling of fear out of his head. Being close to Takashi helped though, and Tuti focused for a second on the covered lump of Takashi’s feet. Takashi had rolled over to face Tuti, and his feet had somehow managed to become pressed against Tuti’s leg. Tuti found that even this small amount of warmth was immensely comforting though, and that it allowed his thoughts to center a bit more calmly on the evening, and everything that had happened.
Even though Tuti knew his friend had only been semi-conscious from the time they had left the bar until now, being close to Takashi had started to feel natural after a while, and this surprised Tuti for some reason. It was as if suddenly he had entered some alternate universe where Takashi was attached to his side, all the time, and… it was unexpectedly not strange at all. The warmth he felt radiating from his friend’s body, the dampness of his hair, and the trust Tuti could see clearly despite the fog of alcohol clouding his friend’s eyes… the fact that he was aware of all of these things that he had never remembered being aware of before - none of it was strange at all. And it should have been, Tuti figured.
Because Tuti had never seen Takashi like this before. He had never seen him actively reach out for anyone…and yet, Tuti knew that this was exactly what Takashi had been doing. Even if it had just been instinct, and even if Tuti wondered if Takashi would have acted this way with anyone, in this situation, he just couldn’t deny the rush of sensations he had experienced on the floor of his friend’s bathroom, in that cramped space that Tuti was sure had never been intended to fit two people in. Takashi had been so close to him, and… It was a little scary, how right it had felt.
Takashi had allowed Tuti to comfort him too, with an ease that Tuti wondered if he would ever see again. Now that Takashi had finally stopped being sick, Tuti was really happy, and relieved, but... a little disappointed at the same time. Because suddenly there seemed to be a noticeable amount of space between them, something that even now felt oddly… empty.
This was probably the real reason he was sitting here, where he could feel the mattress bend with even the slightest movement from Takashi, and where he knew that all he had to do was reach forward, and Takashi would be right there. He knew too that even though he had been listening to the slow rhythm of Takashi’s breathing as he slept for a while, trying to tell himself that he wasn’t thinking anything at all, that his mind was completely blank, Tuti knew that this was absolutely not true. It wasn’t often that Tuti lied to himself like this, and he wondered if it was just because admitting what he was actually thinking would really make it very difficult for him to be in the same room as his friend. And he wanted to be here.
He listened as Takashi’s slightly raspy breathing quickened a little, and then fell back into a normal rhythm. Tuti blinked several times, slowly as he tried to calm himself down. This was how it had been for a while… Even if he would have been able to convince himself that his mind was blank, his body was another story. Every slightest movement from Takashi, every miniscule change in his breathing, everything, set Tuti’s senses tingling, and put his entire body on what felt like high alert. And so he figured it was a little silly to keep trying to avoid this. And so Tuti allowed himself to think, just a little, about what was actually going on here.
He hadn’t seen Takashi in over a month, before tonight. He’d been busy, Takashi had been busy; it hadn’t seemed like they had been avoiding each other. But Tuti wondered if some part of him had been trying to hold off on opening himself up to something like tonight for a while now.
Meeting Takashi during the day for short periods of time when he had rehearsal to go back to, or Takashi had to return to the set in an hour or two, that was fine. Tuti could handle that, and it felt completely normal. But he realized now that it was entirely possible that he had really been trying to avoid seeing Takashi in a setting such as tonight’s.
Takashi scared him sometimes, in certain situations, because Tuti couldn’t always tell what he wanted. And Takashi’s flirtations, when directed at him, didn’t always feel good. In fact it seemed strange to him, usually, when Takashi acted that way towards him. He really wasn’t sure if Takashi was doing it consciously or not though, and this always made it even harder for Tuti to decide what to do, and how to react. Ironically he had been worried about something like this happening tonight when he called him, and instead, everything had been a complete disaster.
Had it been his fault? Tuti knew it probably made no sense to blame this on himself, but... If he hadn’t called Takashi, this wouldn’t have happened, right?
He had been almost happy though, that there had really been no one else for Takashi to turn to tonight. This made Tuti feel horrible, even though he really couldn’t deny that it had been the truth. He had been jealous seeing Takashi at the bar. He had wanted his friend’s attention. And yet, he had done nothing… Until it was clear his friend needed him again. Even when he knew that this had been probably just by default.
Tuti guessed that this meeting must have meant a lot more to him than a casual outing with a friend he hadn’t seen in a while. He forced himself to admit also how much it hurt to think that Takashi had simply not felt the same way about seeing him tonight. Because this much had been obvious. The first chance Takashi had, he had ignored him. And he was tired of telling himself that Takashi just didn’t know what he wanted. From their friendship, or from anything. Because he wondered if that was really any excuse anymore.
Because Tuti didn’t know what he wanted either. Even just on the level of friendship, he had no idea. But he had wanted to be close to Takashi tonight. This much, at least, Tuti couldn’t deny.
Takashi moved in his sleep again, and made a noise and Tuti felt the hairs on his arms stand on end for a moment, before silence crept back into the room. Tuti swore he felt a toe move against his leg too, and he swallowed hard.
Tuti knew this feeling. This heightened awareness of another person. This desire to be close to someone, to be accepted by another person. And Tuti told himself that Takashi was the wrong person to feel this way about. On any level. And then he tried to justify it to himself anyway, but… somehow all his justifications seemed to come up empty. But he figured that he really should know by now that there were no justifications. Not for his friendship with Takashi, not for the fact that the dynamic between then had always been slightly charged with the unknown, that they had always seemed to regard each other as slightly more than friends, and slightly less than close at the same time, not for the joke of a kiss they had shared months ago, and not for tonight either. There was, after all, nothing that Tuti could ever tell himself about his relationship with Takashi that would ever, ever make any sense or make it seem right.
As long as he had known his friend, things had been strange, and hard to understand. Sometimes he wondered why they were even friends at all. Because honestly, Tuti usually stayed away from people like Takashi. He never understood people who acted like Takashi did at times, aloof, and untouchable. Tuti had seen enough of these types of people in his field of choice, and he knew that he just didn’t have the patience for it, then or now. But the more Tuti had gotten to know Takashi, the more he realized that Takashi was different, and not nearly as transparent as he seemed on the surface sometimes.
Because he really wasn’t as cocky as he seemed at times. He was confident, and he liked attention, but he wasn’t self-centered, at least not to the point that Tuti had initially thought, based on the impression he gave off at first. Still, Tuti was sure his friend knew that he was attractive, and that he was aware that this accounted for a lot of the admiration and attention he received from numerous men and women. Tuti knew that Takashi enjoyed this too, mostly because his friend really didn’t seem to care sometimes about the impression he gave in his attempts to receive the attention of the people around him. Tuti had seen him flirt openly with people he knew his friend didn’t like at all, people he barely even talked to. He could only assume that this was because Takashi valued the attention, regardless of the source.
Tuti tried to tell himself that there was only one reason why he even thought about this at all though, even when deep down he knew that what he had been feeling, and that the level of attention he paid to his stage partner had started long before their rather confusing attempt at a kiss… which Tuti was sure Takashi had done just to spite him anyway.
Tuti sighed, quietly, and wondered what the hell was wrong with him tonight. Thinking about this, when Takashi was right there, was definitely a mistake. But he knew, deep down, that he needed to think about this. He knew too, that there was a lot he needed to figure out about Takashi, and that a lot of it had to do with that one event, which, oddly enough, Tuti hadn’t thought about very much since it had happened, at least not specifically, like he felt himself thinking about it right now. He had pushed it out of his mind at first, because, well, Tuti guessed because Takashi had scared him, and now, so much time had passed that it almost seemed silly. Almost.
**
He wanted to think it had been a short kiss, a peck on the cheek, but it hadn’t been. He had wanted to think also that the kiss hadn’t deepened, almost immediately and that he hadn’t felt Takashi moan a little into his mouth when their tongues slid together and that he hadn’t felt his friend’s body go a little limp in his arms, the longer they kissed.
Tuti really hadn’t been sure how it had even happened. There was always a brief period of darkness backstage during the musicals, after the curtain came down, and before it came up again for their final bows, and that night, as usual, he had found himself embracing his friend, congratulating him on another great performance, which was not so odd, but then… Then Tuti just remembered feeling Takashi’s breath close to him, hot against his cheek and he remembered wondering if something was wrong, if Takashi was ok, and then it had just happened. There had been no warning, nothing. Suddenly Takashi was just there…
And Tuti told himself, even now, that that there had been no choice but to pull away. He could hear the bustling of people around them in the dark; everyone was supposed to be making their way off stage, to the wings, and… they had to move. He had done it without thinking, really, his hands moving automatically between them. He really hadn’t meant to push, but he had heard Takashi’s swift intake of air, and wondered at the hint of surprise he had heard in that noise, but… Tuti had done the only thing he felt he could do. He turned and walked away in the opposite direction. Quickly, so that when the lights came back on, he was nowhere near his stage partner.
And it had been strange, what happened afterwards.
Tuti remembered thinking back over everything, as he changed into his street clothes after the performance that night, while at the same time wondering, and hoping, that Takashi would be planning to come out to the bar with everyone, as he usually did after a Saturday performance. He was thinking specifically about a particular conversation from earlier in the day though, and wondering suddenly if this had something to do with what had just happened backstage.
He had been having lunch with Takashi earlier, and his friend had been making fun of a particularly touchy-feely couple seated close to them, which he guessed had started the whole thing. Kimeru had shown up too around that time, and as usual, Takashi had started teasing Tuti, telling him that he didn’t seem like he would be able to handle affection at all, that he would be the type to ignore his girlfriend in public, and want her to do the same. Kimeru had agreed with Takashi, to Tuti’s disappointment, and the conversation had taken on a distinctly irritating twist, at least as far as Tuti had been concerned, with Kimeru and Takashi each citing instances which they felt supported their case. Tuti was left feeling like an idiot, since he really hadn’t been able to defend himself. But after all, this was to be expected, when he was around Takashi and Kimeru, and so it had seemed fairly harmless at the time, though he had to admit it made him wonder now…
Because despite the pounding of his heart, and despite the lingering feeling Tuti had, even now, that it had been good, that Takashi had been good… he was sure that it had just been some sort of joke. His friend had probably done it to prove his point from earlier, and then had gotten a little carried away. Tuti knew that Takashi had a tendency to get carried away. Takashi had probably done this much and more with Kimeru and Takigawa, and…
So Tuti had raised his eyebrows at Takashi backstage afterwards, and he had expected his friend to be all over him, joking about it, teasing him again. But instead, his friend seemed almost angry, and when he did bring it up, some time later in the evening, it was in the form of a joke, but…it was just strange. Takashi had seemed bitter, and almost accusing, as if the smile on his face would somehow not give this away. Because even though it was framed as a joke, Tuti could spot Takashi’s mean streak a mile away.
“Well, now I know why you haven’t dated anyone in so long, Tuti. Do you kiss all the girls like that?”
Takashi’s eyes had flashed with something bold and bright in that second too, but Tuti had to think of his comeback after all, and really had no time to pay attention to what Takashi eyes might or might not have been trying to tell him. He had to protect himself. He wasn’t stupid. He certainly didn’t want to know what kind of remark Takashi would have waiting for him if he realized that his comment had left Tuti dumbstruck and staring.
He didn’t even remember how he had countered this, in the end, except that the exchange had gone on for a while, and had left him tired and with a dull ache in the pit of his stomach. He had been completely convinced in that moment too that for as much as he liked Takashi, he should be careful from now on.
Except that he hadn’t been, not at all.
Tuti had considered leaving the after-party at the bar without saying a word of explanation to anyone, shortly after Takashi had walked away, and after Tuti had seen him sling his arms casually around Kimeru and Abe, who both seemed eager to buy into his friend’s fake smile, which was incredibly annoying to Tuti just then. It would hardly have mattered if he left anyway. After so many shows, the after-parties were less of actual parties and had become more accurately just a handful of people having a quiet drink or two together to unwind, and then heading home.
But before he could even think anymore on this though, Takashi was back. His friend offered to buy him a drink, which Tuti thought was a little strange, and then Takashi dragged him over to an unoccupied table, practically throwing himself down on the bench before gesturing for Tuti to sit down next to him.
His friend’s tone and demeanor were hard to read, though it was almost as if Takashi was daring him to stay and talk to him, and daring him to sit next to him on the bench, when it would have been much more normal for Tuti to sit across from him, or for them to join one of the other tables where their friends were sitting. Maybe Takashi had been daring him to not move away when he had moved a little closer, and he had leaned towards Tuti a little more than was customary as he spoke.
Tuti had listened as Takashi told him some of the details he had just heard from Kimeru about the last performances, and about the graduation ceremony. Takashi seemed almost sad, but just shrugged when Tuti asked him what he was thinking. Then Tuti realized that while his friend had just bought him a drink, he wasn’t actually drinking himself. When he asked Takashi though, all he got was another shrug, as his friend claimed not to feel like it. Tuti had been more than curious, at that point, as to why Takashi didn’t just go home, but figured it best not to ask.
They had stayed there almost until the bar closed, just talking, despite the fact that after about a half hour, Tuti’s glass had been cleared, and Takashi stilled claimed to not feel like drinking. He had mumbled something and shrugged noncommittally when Tuti had teased him half-heartedly about it again.
Tuti, for some reason, remembered almost every word of their conversation that night, even now. Maybe just because that night he had felt like Takashi had been genuinely open with him for the first time. They had talked honestly, and his friend’s mask of a smile had been notably absent. It had felt really good, and almost refreshing, to share time with his friend like this. Mostly they talked about the show, and how much they would miss everyone, and what a good experience it had been. Takashi was surprisingly philosophical about the whole thing, and about everything really. This was something Tuti had heard slip out in comments in the past, but he really felt like it was a rare and interesting treat to hear his friend contemplate what the experience had meant for him, among other things at the time. Tuti remembered thinking more than once, that there really was a lot more to his friend than what came across on the surface, and that the more he listened, the more he wanted to see this Takashi more often.
It wasn’t until much later that Tuti realized that he had probably missed the best chance he would ever have at figuring Takashi out that night. Because after that, the schedule for the last week of performances had been harsh, and there hadn’t really been an opportunity to share time together like that again. And then it was just over.
And as for the kiss, it had taken a lot of careful thought, but in the end, Tuti decided that it had probably started as a joke, some kind of impulsive act on his friend’s part, and that it had gradually become fueled by the nostalgia Takashi had been feeling about their job together, and the partnership they shared coming to an end. He was even more convinced that this was the right explanation when he remembered their conversation afterwards, and how almost vulnerable Takashi had been then. Tuti had played into all of it, he figured, though he didn’t regret it, not for a second.
He felt lucky too, and he tried to tell himself that he felt this way because of the bond he shared with Takashi, because of their friendship. That was part of it, but he couldn’t deny that there was probably something else. Because even if it had been mostly a joke, the kiss had been good. Feeling Takashi’s lips pressed against his… it had felt really good. And as far as feeling lucky, well… Tuti guessed that he had always been aware of the sexuality that seemed to radiate from Takashi most of the time, and so it made sense that there would be something exhilarating seeing this side of his friend, up close, and not in the dodgy, impersonal way he saw it when Takashi was just flirting.
Tuti wondered sometimes too, what it would be like to feel that exhilaration again, if this would even be possible. He told himself that Takashi was the wrong person to have these thoughts about, but…this realization suddenly seemed to hold much less water than it had before. Because Tuti had realized something tonight, he guessed. Something that had come out, he supposed, because he had been really scared. He had been terrified really, at the thought of losing his friend tonight. And he had never really felt that way about anyone before. This desire to protect someone at any cost. Because Takashi was important, he realized. Really important. Tuti rarely admitted this about anyone, which was maybe why it had taken something like this to allow him to be able realize this. His closest friends, of which there really weren’t many, and his family, these were the people who were important. And Tuti honestly wasn’t sure if this realization made him feel better or worse about the evening, about Takashi, about everything, but…either way, it was true.
Tuti leaned forward carefully and peeked out of the open door, and down the hallway, and could see light streaming in from the window in the kitchen. Takashi’s room was well protected against the light though, the dark shades drawn so that almost no light entered the room. But that didn’t change the fact that it was morning already, and that it had been morning for a while now. Takashi’s alarm would probably be going off soon. Tuti knew that he had to get some sleep, if he wanted there to be any chance at all of him not making a complete fool out of himself when Takashi finally woke up.
And Tuti knew, for some reason, that right now was probably his best chance. To try again to figure Takashi out. To come a little closer to figuring out what Takashi wanted from him, what role he was supposed to play in his life.
He knew that he needed to figure out how to talk to Takashi about this, because Tuti really hadn’t liked how he had felt tonight, and how it had been. He wanted to fix whatever it was that had been off. He wanted it to be better, for them to be content, for their relationship to feel balanced. It was important. He wanted Takashi to be happy when they were together too, and… Takashi hadn’t seemed very happy tonight, on the phone, or at the bar, or…
This train of thought was starting to make him really sad though, and Tuti sighed, realizing that he was completely exhausted and that his thoughts were probably starting not to make much sense anymore. He really, really needed to try to sleep. It had been forever really, since he’d been up all night. He’d forgotten how almost delirious it felt. It wasn’t as if he was going to accomplish anything more tonight anyway, he figured, and Takashi had been sleeping peacefully for a while, so with a reluctant shift and a dip in the mattress, he slid himself off Takashi’s bed and moved with weary steps out of the silent bedroom.
**
Several minutes later, in the living room, when Tuti lay down and closed his eyes, he realized that he was feeling almost content now, which didn’t seem to make any sense, when just minutes before he had felt like he was going completely insane.
He wondered absently, ridiculously, if maybe it was just the couch. The cushions were plush and Tuti found himself smiling as he sank into them, imagining his friend choosing this couch simply because of how comfortable it was, and disregarding all other practical details. Because it was unbelievably huge, taking up over half of the small living room, and Tuti was sure it had been nearly impossible to get into his friend’s apartment. He was positive that comfort had been the deciding factor. He half-wondered why Takashi didn’t sleep on the couch, and then realized in shock that his bed must be even more comfortable. He had felt a little of this, he guessed, just in his experience huddled on the very edge of it. No wonder his friend had to set so many alarms to wake himself up in the morning.
Tuti felt oddly at home somehow too, even though he had never even been officially invited into his friend’s apartment. He wondered, as sleep pulled at the corners of his mind, how Takashi would react to finding him there in the morning. If his friend would think it was weird. After all, Tuti really didn’t know what, if anything he wanted to tell his friend about the evening’s events. He didn’t know how much Takashi would want to know either.
But Tuti realized that it didn’t matter very much, what Takashi thought, because really he just felt like he was here because he wanted to be here. He wanted to be here when Takashi woke up. To make sure he was ok…but also… just because it felt right, and he felt like he should be here. He would probably need to think of a better reason than that though, Tuti realized, when Takashi asked him in the morning, but… for right now, he just wanted to sleep, and deal with the rest of it later.
**
Author: analine
Pairing: TutixNagayan
Word Count: 7,288
Chapter: 3/?
Warnings: yaoi...angst?
Rating: PG-13 for now (basically just for situations involving alcohol and brief language)
Notes: This takes place sometime in the early spring, a few months after the end of the 4th musical. Next chapter will be Nagayan... Yay! (I miss him... *sniff*) Comments would be greatly appreciated! ^__^
Disclaimer: No basis in reality. Possible incorrect retelling of events? I'm bad with timelines and stuff like that, so... ^_^
Beta by kooriyoukai :)
x-posted to tutixnagayan
( Chapter One ) ( Chapter Two )
Tuti had fumbled with the keys for a while outside the door to Takashi’s apartment, trying to separate and locate his friend’s apartment keys from the massive mess of things jumbled together on his key ring. He was trying to hurry, despite the fact that his nervousness about his friend’s state, and probably the physical strain from carrying him so far, was making him fumble much more than he should’ve been. It definitely wasn’t the alcohol, because Tuti felt as though he had been forced into complete alertness a long time ago.
He knew he would end up blaming himself if something happened to Takashi, and this thought really scared him, to the point where he was sure that he would be sober by now no matter how much he had to drink. The whole situation just felt wrong, especially the thought that something bad happening to Takashi was even a possibility, and that it was likely a possibility because of him, because he had called Takashi tonight. Tuti shook his head a little though, in an attempt to change the direction of his thoughts. He knew that he had to focus on getting them inside, and then… well, the rest would have to come later.
Because running through his mind as he struggled to keep one arm around Takashi, whose breath against Tuti’s neck and ear was becoming increasingly more distracting as time went on, was the fact that it had taken them almost twenty minutes to cross the distance from the bar to his friend’s apartment, and that during that time Takashi had been sick twice so far, the second time being about ten minutes ago, when they were halfway here so… Tuti was a little afraid that his friend was due to be sick again. And he really didn’t want that to happen out here in the hallway, or anywhere else for that matter that wasn’t the bathroom.
His friend looked a little pale too, Tuti was thinking, just as they stepped through the doorway. And the look on Takashi’s face made any relief he had felt upon making it inside disappear almost instantly. He didn’t even get a chance to kick off his shoes in his haste, as he attempted to lead his friend in the direction that he figured the bathroom must be in. Thankfully the apartment was relatively small, and despite his state, Takashi must have been aware enough to try to head to the right place too, because Tuti had the strange impression after a second that he was being half-led down the hallway.
They had just reached the bathroom, and without realizing it in his relief, Tuti’s grip loosened around Takashi’s waist slightly as he tried to guide them through the doorway. Takashi’s arm had slipped from where it had been slung around Tuti’s neck too, and Tuti realized a second too late that the loose pressure of his arm around Takashi’s waist had been the only thing keeping Takashi from pitching forward as the shorter man began to fall. He instinctively moved towards his friend, and grabbed at the back of Takashi’s shirt with his other hand in an attempt to stop his forward descent... but this just caused both of them to lose their balance completely, and before Tuti realized what was happening, they had both fallen, hard, onto the tiled floor.
It took him a few seconds to realize what exactly had happened, but then Tuti felt something hard jutting into his back, and groaned a little as he tried to sit up, pulling his friend up with him from the slumped over position they had ended up in, which just happened to place Takashi sprawled directly between Tuti’s legs. Tuti figured that he had broken most of the fall for both of them though, as he shifted around, feeling an ache here and there where the impact had been most severe. When he had succeeded in pulling them both to a sitting position he tried to move his legs a bit, but there really wasn’t enough room, and after a few seconds, Tuti gave up, figuring that there was no real reason to even try to adjust their somewhat uncomfortable position because, well, no one was looking anyway, and he had more important things to worry about.
He could feel his hand shaking a little, probably an after effect of the rush of adrenaline he’d experienced from completely losing his balance, as he touched his fingers to his friend’s arm, hoping to get some kind of assurance from him that, at the very least, Takashi hadn’t broken something when they fell, and that he hadn’t completely passed out.
Takashi didn’t acknowledge him at first, but after a second, Tuti heard a faint whine escape from his friend’s throat, and he moved forward slightly, giving Tuti the flexibility to cross his legs in front of him, and to lean forward and around his friend, so that he could actually see his face. In a low voice, he asked Takashi what was wrong, if he was ok. He really wanted the answer to this question to be yes, he realized, but figured that he knew differently. He was worried for a second too that his friend actually had gotten hurt somewhere when they had fallen, and was somewhat relieved when Takashi turned his head towards him just a little. “What is it…” he tried to ask gently, though the end of the question caught in his throat as he realized that Takashi’s eyes were glistening with moisture as he blinked slowly and then turned away, leaning forward awkwardly and moving his arms to grip the sides of the toilet in front of him as he vomited loudly.
Tuti could feel his face turning slightly warm, not because he really thought there was anything embarrassing about his friend being sick, but because he knew that Takashi would be embarrassed. He had never seen Takashi upset like this before either, and he knew that he must be feeling really sick, and really out of it if he wasn’t even trying to hide this from him.
Tuti placed his hand on his friend’s shoulder, tentatively, not knowing exactly what to do. He wondered if it made sense to take him to the hospital, but decided that as long as he was getting everything out of his system now, here, it was probably ok to just stay where they were, as long as he watched him closely. He felt a little bad, because he knew that if it were him in this situation, feeling like this, he really would probably just want to be left alone, but... Tuti couldn’t leave him alone. And he felt too that it was important somehow, for Takashi to know that he was there. Even if his friend had been half-shrugging off his attempts to help him for a while now. Maybe it was something in the look Takashi had just shown Tuti, or something else, he wasn’t sure.
And even though Tuti realized that trying to shut him out was probably just some sort of instinct Takashi had to try to keep people away when he knew he was weak, and not feeling like himself, it still left Tuti feeling somewhat helpless, and for some reason more worried than he felt like he would be if he could find something more active to do to help his friend.
He knew that he had to do something with his energy too, which oddly, he found he had a lot of, despite the late hour, and despite the fact that he knew he should be exhausted. Tuti watched Takashi closely, as he had been all along, but he found that he felt better if he at least tried talking to his friend. If he kept a running dialogue going it would help to relax him too, and distract him from feeling too awkward about the situation. Because Tuti couldn’t help but think that he was probably just the wrong person to be seeing Takashi like this right now. Kimeru, or someone Takashi was closer to, should be here with him. He wondered if maybe he should have taken Kimeru up on his offer to meet them, actually. Then he would likely be home by now, and well on his way to forgetting about this entire evening. This would have been fine, except that Tuti knew that part of him, a larger part than he was probably comfortable admitting, wanted to be here for Takashi, even like this.
Tuti leaned forward with a light touch to brush the hair from his Takashi’s face, as his friend continued to hover over the toilet, his arms shaking, and his breaths coming sharp and ragged. He could tell that Takashi was trying to relax, but that the reflexes of his body were simply not allowing this, as he heaved and gagged over the bowl. Tuti spoke softly to his friend, telling him random details about the evening, stupid things the people at his table had said or done, anything he could think of. He liked to think that Takashi was listening, but figured it didn’t really matter either way. Because he really didn’t mind, he figured. Being here, any of this.
Tuti really had no idea if it had been five minutes or five hours that they had been sitting there, until he looked at a clock, which was balanced near the end of the shelves on the far corner of the bathroom, and saw that it read 4:27AM.
Tuti tried to figure out how on earth it had gotten this late. They must had been at the bar until after three, he guessed, and then… he figured it had taken them a while to get home. And so… yeah, Tuti guessed that it had made sense after all.
He glanced at Takashi, realizing that his friend hadn’t moved in a minute or two. He wasn’t sure if this was good or bad, but Tuti was surprised when Takashi suddenly let go of the toilet. His upper body swayed a little, before he half-moved, half-fell backwards against Tuti’s chest.
Takashi’s breathing was shallow, and he moved his legs a little, pulling them towards him with what looked like a lot of effort, before he let his head fall backwards. Tuti found that he had to lean back and sit up a little straighter, so that he was able to support his friend comfortably. He was surprised at first, and found his heart pounding a little, because he realized that he was now closer to his friend than he had probably ever been as long as he had known him.
He could feel too, the curves of Takashi’s back pressed against him, how the warmth he was giving off seemed to shift and move with his breath and how almost… connected he felt to Takashi right now. After a second though, Tuti started to get a little worried again, because right now, even more so than before, he realized that he really had no idea what to do. He didn’t know how to sit here, how to be close to Takashi like this. He didn’t know if he should move away, or say something, a joke, or laugh, anything, because it was too quiet now, and… maybe it was just the strangeness of the situation, or the fact that he was feeling stressed, and tired, but…
He found that he was relieved when Takashi shifted forward, a little stiffly. He really wasn’t sure if Takashi was aware of any of this or not, but when Tuti placed his hands on Takashi’s back instinctively and pressed lightly with his fingers, he felt his friend’s body visibly sag a little, and he figured that this must be what he wanted. Which was fine. Because it meant that there was something he could do. Something that didn’t feel as weird as everything else did right now. Something he had done before, and something he knew Takashi liked, normally. He didn’t know why he hadn’t thought of it sooner.
Tuti began to knead Takashi’s shoulders gently, gradually working out a knot here and there, and he listened as his friend’s breathing became a little more regular. Tuti paused after a few seconds though, blinking at the shiver he felt run through Takashi when his fingers met the bare skin of his shoulders. He felt himself shiver too, and… Tuti took a deep breath, and tried to will the hairs on his arms to stop standing on end.
Takashi’s eyes were closed and every so often Tuti could just barely hear him hum softly, a low noise that came from deep in his throat. When he made this noise, he pressed back a little, closing the gap between them gradually, until Tuti realized they were just as close as they had been a few minutes ago, except that now, it didn’t feel so strange. It seemed almost natural, and this came as both a surprise and a relief to Tuti.
Takashi seemed fine, relaxed even for maybe a half hour, maybe more, but then Tuti felt Takashi’s body turn completely still, as his breathing quickened a little. Tuti could feel his shoulders tensing up too, as he figured he tried to fight whatever it was he was feeling, but after a minute or so, Takashi leaned forward and was sick again.
Things fell into a sort of hazy rhythm after that, and Tuti found that he no longer really noticed any strangeness at all, having Takashi pressed against his chest for periods of time that were gradually becoming longer and longer, as the time that Takashi was actually sick for gradually decreased.
He had just begun to feel his legs going numb though, from sitting in one place so long, before he looked at the clock, blinking and shaking his head at the fact that it was clearly morning now. Tuti took it as a good sign when he realized that his friend had not moved in a very long time, and wondered if he might even have fallen asleep. He shifted a little and leaned in, asking Takashi, quietly, if he wanted to go to bed. Takashi’s response was one word, the first coherent word Tuti had heard from him in a long time. Tired, he told his friend, pouting a little when Tuti couldn’t help but smile.
**
Tuti found that he was getting used to carrying his friend around, and so he had been surprised when after he helped his friend up, Takashi had shrugged him off, a little unsteadily, and walked himself down the hallway to his bedroom. He allowed Tuti to tuck him into bed though, which normally, he was sure, would have been completely out of the question and Tuti smiled to himself. Takashi thanked him too, though Tuti was sure he wouldn’t remember any of this in the morning, and closed his eyes, rolling over onto his side.
Tuti stood there for a second, staring down at his friend who now seemed completely oblivious to his presence, and tried to decide what to do. He glanced around the room, realizing to his slight surprise that Takashi really didn’t have very much furniture. The room wasn’t small, but… aside from the bed, which was pushed against the corner of the far right wall, there really wasn’t anywhere to sit.
He stared at the corner of the bed next to Takashi’s feet, which had been shifting around restlessly at first, but had stopped moving now. He was still worried, he guessed. Takashi seemed ok, but… There was no way Tuti would be able to sleep in the next room right now without driving himself insane, imagining something bad happening - Takashi getting sick again, or… something. But he also didn’t want to think about how strange it would be for Takashi to wake up in the morning to a crazed, sleep-deprived Tuti hovering over him. So Tuti decided he would just stay for a while. An hour or so… just to make sure his friend was really ok. He had already stayed up all night, so… he figured it hardly made a difference now.
Tuti quietly removed his shoes, and sat down on the end of the bed next to Takashi as gently as he could, sliding back slowly, until his back met with the wall. He grimaced as the mattress sagged and shifted and Takashi moved in his sleep, or almost-sleep, he wasn’t sure. Tuti took this opportunity though to press the back of his hand to his friend’s cheek for just a second, and then, for good measure he brushed the messy bangs away from his friend’s forehead and pressed his hand there too.
He seemed fine, but still, Tuti guessed that maybe at some point he had entertained the possibility of something really bad happening tonight, something irreversible, and now that the threat of losing his friend, however small and irrational it had actually been was gone, Tuti was having a hard time getting the lingering feeling of fear out of his head. Being close to Takashi helped though, and Tuti focused for a second on the covered lump of Takashi’s feet. Takashi had rolled over to face Tuti, and his feet had somehow managed to become pressed against Tuti’s leg. Tuti found that even this small amount of warmth was immensely comforting though, and that it allowed his thoughts to center a bit more calmly on the evening, and everything that had happened.
Even though Tuti knew his friend had only been semi-conscious from the time they had left the bar until now, being close to Takashi had started to feel natural after a while, and this surprised Tuti for some reason. It was as if suddenly he had entered some alternate universe where Takashi was attached to his side, all the time, and… it was unexpectedly not strange at all. The warmth he felt radiating from his friend’s body, the dampness of his hair, and the trust Tuti could see clearly despite the fog of alcohol clouding his friend’s eyes… the fact that he was aware of all of these things that he had never remembered being aware of before - none of it was strange at all. And it should have been, Tuti figured.
Because Tuti had never seen Takashi like this before. He had never seen him actively reach out for anyone…and yet, Tuti knew that this was exactly what Takashi had been doing. Even if it had just been instinct, and even if Tuti wondered if Takashi would have acted this way with anyone, in this situation, he just couldn’t deny the rush of sensations he had experienced on the floor of his friend’s bathroom, in that cramped space that Tuti was sure had never been intended to fit two people in. Takashi had been so close to him, and… It was a little scary, how right it had felt.
Takashi had allowed Tuti to comfort him too, with an ease that Tuti wondered if he would ever see again. Now that Takashi had finally stopped being sick, Tuti was really happy, and relieved, but... a little disappointed at the same time. Because suddenly there seemed to be a noticeable amount of space between them, something that even now felt oddly… empty.
This was probably the real reason he was sitting here, where he could feel the mattress bend with even the slightest movement from Takashi, and where he knew that all he had to do was reach forward, and Takashi would be right there. He knew too that even though he had been listening to the slow rhythm of Takashi’s breathing as he slept for a while, trying to tell himself that he wasn’t thinking anything at all, that his mind was completely blank, Tuti knew that this was absolutely not true. It wasn’t often that Tuti lied to himself like this, and he wondered if it was just because admitting what he was actually thinking would really make it very difficult for him to be in the same room as his friend. And he wanted to be here.
He listened as Takashi’s slightly raspy breathing quickened a little, and then fell back into a normal rhythm. Tuti blinked several times, slowly as he tried to calm himself down. This was how it had been for a while… Even if he would have been able to convince himself that his mind was blank, his body was another story. Every slightest movement from Takashi, every miniscule change in his breathing, everything, set Tuti’s senses tingling, and put his entire body on what felt like high alert. And so he figured it was a little silly to keep trying to avoid this. And so Tuti allowed himself to think, just a little, about what was actually going on here.
He hadn’t seen Takashi in over a month, before tonight. He’d been busy, Takashi had been busy; it hadn’t seemed like they had been avoiding each other. But Tuti wondered if some part of him had been trying to hold off on opening himself up to something like tonight for a while now.
Meeting Takashi during the day for short periods of time when he had rehearsal to go back to, or Takashi had to return to the set in an hour or two, that was fine. Tuti could handle that, and it felt completely normal. But he realized now that it was entirely possible that he had really been trying to avoid seeing Takashi in a setting such as tonight’s.
Takashi scared him sometimes, in certain situations, because Tuti couldn’t always tell what he wanted. And Takashi’s flirtations, when directed at him, didn’t always feel good. In fact it seemed strange to him, usually, when Takashi acted that way towards him. He really wasn’t sure if Takashi was doing it consciously or not though, and this always made it even harder for Tuti to decide what to do, and how to react. Ironically he had been worried about something like this happening tonight when he called him, and instead, everything had been a complete disaster.
Had it been his fault? Tuti knew it probably made no sense to blame this on himself, but... If he hadn’t called Takashi, this wouldn’t have happened, right?
He had been almost happy though, that there had really been no one else for Takashi to turn to tonight. This made Tuti feel horrible, even though he really couldn’t deny that it had been the truth. He had been jealous seeing Takashi at the bar. He had wanted his friend’s attention. And yet, he had done nothing… Until it was clear his friend needed him again. Even when he knew that this had been probably just by default.
Tuti guessed that this meeting must have meant a lot more to him than a casual outing with a friend he hadn’t seen in a while. He forced himself to admit also how much it hurt to think that Takashi had simply not felt the same way about seeing him tonight. Because this much had been obvious. The first chance Takashi had, he had ignored him. And he was tired of telling himself that Takashi just didn’t know what he wanted. From their friendship, or from anything. Because he wondered if that was really any excuse anymore.
Because Tuti didn’t know what he wanted either. Even just on the level of friendship, he had no idea. But he had wanted to be close to Takashi tonight. This much, at least, Tuti couldn’t deny.
Takashi moved in his sleep again, and made a noise and Tuti felt the hairs on his arms stand on end for a moment, before silence crept back into the room. Tuti swore he felt a toe move against his leg too, and he swallowed hard.
Tuti knew this feeling. This heightened awareness of another person. This desire to be close to someone, to be accepted by another person. And Tuti told himself that Takashi was the wrong person to feel this way about. On any level. And then he tried to justify it to himself anyway, but… somehow all his justifications seemed to come up empty. But he figured that he really should know by now that there were no justifications. Not for his friendship with Takashi, not for the fact that the dynamic between then had always been slightly charged with the unknown, that they had always seemed to regard each other as slightly more than friends, and slightly less than close at the same time, not for the joke of a kiss they had shared months ago, and not for tonight either. There was, after all, nothing that Tuti could ever tell himself about his relationship with Takashi that would ever, ever make any sense or make it seem right.
As long as he had known his friend, things had been strange, and hard to understand. Sometimes he wondered why they were even friends at all. Because honestly, Tuti usually stayed away from people like Takashi. He never understood people who acted like Takashi did at times, aloof, and untouchable. Tuti had seen enough of these types of people in his field of choice, and he knew that he just didn’t have the patience for it, then or now. But the more Tuti had gotten to know Takashi, the more he realized that Takashi was different, and not nearly as transparent as he seemed on the surface sometimes.
Because he really wasn’t as cocky as he seemed at times. He was confident, and he liked attention, but he wasn’t self-centered, at least not to the point that Tuti had initially thought, based on the impression he gave off at first. Still, Tuti was sure his friend knew that he was attractive, and that he was aware that this accounted for a lot of the admiration and attention he received from numerous men and women. Tuti knew that Takashi enjoyed this too, mostly because his friend really didn’t seem to care sometimes about the impression he gave in his attempts to receive the attention of the people around him. Tuti had seen him flirt openly with people he knew his friend didn’t like at all, people he barely even talked to. He could only assume that this was because Takashi valued the attention, regardless of the source.
Tuti tried to tell himself that there was only one reason why he even thought about this at all though, even when deep down he knew that what he had been feeling, and that the level of attention he paid to his stage partner had started long before their rather confusing attempt at a kiss… which Tuti was sure Takashi had done just to spite him anyway.
Tuti sighed, quietly, and wondered what the hell was wrong with him tonight. Thinking about this, when Takashi was right there, was definitely a mistake. But he knew, deep down, that he needed to think about this. He knew too, that there was a lot he needed to figure out about Takashi, and that a lot of it had to do with that one event, which, oddly enough, Tuti hadn’t thought about very much since it had happened, at least not specifically, like he felt himself thinking about it right now. He had pushed it out of his mind at first, because, well, Tuti guessed because Takashi had scared him, and now, so much time had passed that it almost seemed silly. Almost.
**
He wanted to think it had been a short kiss, a peck on the cheek, but it hadn’t been. He had wanted to think also that the kiss hadn’t deepened, almost immediately and that he hadn’t felt Takashi moan a little into his mouth when their tongues slid together and that he hadn’t felt his friend’s body go a little limp in his arms, the longer they kissed.
Tuti really hadn’t been sure how it had even happened. There was always a brief period of darkness backstage during the musicals, after the curtain came down, and before it came up again for their final bows, and that night, as usual, he had found himself embracing his friend, congratulating him on another great performance, which was not so odd, but then… Then Tuti just remembered feeling Takashi’s breath close to him, hot against his cheek and he remembered wondering if something was wrong, if Takashi was ok, and then it had just happened. There had been no warning, nothing. Suddenly Takashi was just there…
And Tuti told himself, even now, that that there had been no choice but to pull away. He could hear the bustling of people around them in the dark; everyone was supposed to be making their way off stage, to the wings, and… they had to move. He had done it without thinking, really, his hands moving automatically between them. He really hadn’t meant to push, but he had heard Takashi’s swift intake of air, and wondered at the hint of surprise he had heard in that noise, but… Tuti had done the only thing he felt he could do. He turned and walked away in the opposite direction. Quickly, so that when the lights came back on, he was nowhere near his stage partner.
And it had been strange, what happened afterwards.
Tuti remembered thinking back over everything, as he changed into his street clothes after the performance that night, while at the same time wondering, and hoping, that Takashi would be planning to come out to the bar with everyone, as he usually did after a Saturday performance. He was thinking specifically about a particular conversation from earlier in the day though, and wondering suddenly if this had something to do with what had just happened backstage.
He had been having lunch with Takashi earlier, and his friend had been making fun of a particularly touchy-feely couple seated close to them, which he guessed had started the whole thing. Kimeru had shown up too around that time, and as usual, Takashi had started teasing Tuti, telling him that he didn’t seem like he would be able to handle affection at all, that he would be the type to ignore his girlfriend in public, and want her to do the same. Kimeru had agreed with Takashi, to Tuti’s disappointment, and the conversation had taken on a distinctly irritating twist, at least as far as Tuti had been concerned, with Kimeru and Takashi each citing instances which they felt supported their case. Tuti was left feeling like an idiot, since he really hadn’t been able to defend himself. But after all, this was to be expected, when he was around Takashi and Kimeru, and so it had seemed fairly harmless at the time, though he had to admit it made him wonder now…
Because despite the pounding of his heart, and despite the lingering feeling Tuti had, even now, that it had been good, that Takashi had been good… he was sure that it had just been some sort of joke. His friend had probably done it to prove his point from earlier, and then had gotten a little carried away. Tuti knew that Takashi had a tendency to get carried away. Takashi had probably done this much and more with Kimeru and Takigawa, and…
So Tuti had raised his eyebrows at Takashi backstage afterwards, and he had expected his friend to be all over him, joking about it, teasing him again. But instead, his friend seemed almost angry, and when he did bring it up, some time later in the evening, it was in the form of a joke, but…it was just strange. Takashi had seemed bitter, and almost accusing, as if the smile on his face would somehow not give this away. Because even though it was framed as a joke, Tuti could spot Takashi’s mean streak a mile away.
“Well, now I know why you haven’t dated anyone in so long, Tuti. Do you kiss all the girls like that?”
Takashi’s eyes had flashed with something bold and bright in that second too, but Tuti had to think of his comeback after all, and really had no time to pay attention to what Takashi eyes might or might not have been trying to tell him. He had to protect himself. He wasn’t stupid. He certainly didn’t want to know what kind of remark Takashi would have waiting for him if he realized that his comment had left Tuti dumbstruck and staring.
He didn’t even remember how he had countered this, in the end, except that the exchange had gone on for a while, and had left him tired and with a dull ache in the pit of his stomach. He had been completely convinced in that moment too that for as much as he liked Takashi, he should be careful from now on.
Except that he hadn’t been, not at all.
Tuti had considered leaving the after-party at the bar without saying a word of explanation to anyone, shortly after Takashi had walked away, and after Tuti had seen him sling his arms casually around Kimeru and Abe, who both seemed eager to buy into his friend’s fake smile, which was incredibly annoying to Tuti just then. It would hardly have mattered if he left anyway. After so many shows, the after-parties were less of actual parties and had become more accurately just a handful of people having a quiet drink or two together to unwind, and then heading home.
But before he could even think anymore on this though, Takashi was back. His friend offered to buy him a drink, which Tuti thought was a little strange, and then Takashi dragged him over to an unoccupied table, practically throwing himself down on the bench before gesturing for Tuti to sit down next to him.
His friend’s tone and demeanor were hard to read, though it was almost as if Takashi was daring him to stay and talk to him, and daring him to sit next to him on the bench, when it would have been much more normal for Tuti to sit across from him, or for them to join one of the other tables where their friends were sitting. Maybe Takashi had been daring him to not move away when he had moved a little closer, and he had leaned towards Tuti a little more than was customary as he spoke.
Tuti had listened as Takashi told him some of the details he had just heard from Kimeru about the last performances, and about the graduation ceremony. Takashi seemed almost sad, but just shrugged when Tuti asked him what he was thinking. Then Tuti realized that while his friend had just bought him a drink, he wasn’t actually drinking himself. When he asked Takashi though, all he got was another shrug, as his friend claimed not to feel like it. Tuti had been more than curious, at that point, as to why Takashi didn’t just go home, but figured it best not to ask.
They had stayed there almost until the bar closed, just talking, despite the fact that after about a half hour, Tuti’s glass had been cleared, and Takashi stilled claimed to not feel like drinking. He had mumbled something and shrugged noncommittally when Tuti had teased him half-heartedly about it again.
Tuti, for some reason, remembered almost every word of their conversation that night, even now. Maybe just because that night he had felt like Takashi had been genuinely open with him for the first time. They had talked honestly, and his friend’s mask of a smile had been notably absent. It had felt really good, and almost refreshing, to share time with his friend like this. Mostly they talked about the show, and how much they would miss everyone, and what a good experience it had been. Takashi was surprisingly philosophical about the whole thing, and about everything really. This was something Tuti had heard slip out in comments in the past, but he really felt like it was a rare and interesting treat to hear his friend contemplate what the experience had meant for him, among other things at the time. Tuti remembered thinking more than once, that there really was a lot more to his friend than what came across on the surface, and that the more he listened, the more he wanted to see this Takashi more often.
It wasn’t until much later that Tuti realized that he had probably missed the best chance he would ever have at figuring Takashi out that night. Because after that, the schedule for the last week of performances had been harsh, and there hadn’t really been an opportunity to share time together like that again. And then it was just over.
And as for the kiss, it had taken a lot of careful thought, but in the end, Tuti decided that it had probably started as a joke, some kind of impulsive act on his friend’s part, and that it had gradually become fueled by the nostalgia Takashi had been feeling about their job together, and the partnership they shared coming to an end. He was even more convinced that this was the right explanation when he remembered their conversation afterwards, and how almost vulnerable Takashi had been then. Tuti had played into all of it, he figured, though he didn’t regret it, not for a second.
He felt lucky too, and he tried to tell himself that he felt this way because of the bond he shared with Takashi, because of their friendship. That was part of it, but he couldn’t deny that there was probably something else. Because even if it had been mostly a joke, the kiss had been good. Feeling Takashi’s lips pressed against his… it had felt really good. And as far as feeling lucky, well… Tuti guessed that he had always been aware of the sexuality that seemed to radiate from Takashi most of the time, and so it made sense that there would be something exhilarating seeing this side of his friend, up close, and not in the dodgy, impersonal way he saw it when Takashi was just flirting.
Tuti wondered sometimes too, what it would be like to feel that exhilaration again, if this would even be possible. He told himself that Takashi was the wrong person to have these thoughts about, but…this realization suddenly seemed to hold much less water than it had before. Because Tuti had realized something tonight, he guessed. Something that had come out, he supposed, because he had been really scared. He had been terrified really, at the thought of losing his friend tonight. And he had never really felt that way about anyone before. This desire to protect someone at any cost. Because Takashi was important, he realized. Really important. Tuti rarely admitted this about anyone, which was maybe why it had taken something like this to allow him to be able realize this. His closest friends, of which there really weren’t many, and his family, these were the people who were important. And Tuti honestly wasn’t sure if this realization made him feel better or worse about the evening, about Takashi, about everything, but…either way, it was true.
Tuti leaned forward carefully and peeked out of the open door, and down the hallway, and could see light streaming in from the window in the kitchen. Takashi’s room was well protected against the light though, the dark shades drawn so that almost no light entered the room. But that didn’t change the fact that it was morning already, and that it had been morning for a while now. Takashi’s alarm would probably be going off soon. Tuti knew that he had to get some sleep, if he wanted there to be any chance at all of him not making a complete fool out of himself when Takashi finally woke up.
And Tuti knew, for some reason, that right now was probably his best chance. To try again to figure Takashi out. To come a little closer to figuring out what Takashi wanted from him, what role he was supposed to play in his life.
He knew that he needed to figure out how to talk to Takashi about this, because Tuti really hadn’t liked how he had felt tonight, and how it had been. He wanted to fix whatever it was that had been off. He wanted it to be better, for them to be content, for their relationship to feel balanced. It was important. He wanted Takashi to be happy when they were together too, and… Takashi hadn’t seemed very happy tonight, on the phone, or at the bar, or…
This train of thought was starting to make him really sad though, and Tuti sighed, realizing that he was completely exhausted and that his thoughts were probably starting not to make much sense anymore. He really, really needed to try to sleep. It had been forever really, since he’d been up all night. He’d forgotten how almost delirious it felt. It wasn’t as if he was going to accomplish anything more tonight anyway, he figured, and Takashi had been sleeping peacefully for a while, so with a reluctant shift and a dip in the mattress, he slid himself off Takashi’s bed and moved with weary steps out of the silent bedroom.
**
Several minutes later, in the living room, when Tuti lay down and closed his eyes, he realized that he was feeling almost content now, which didn’t seem to make any sense, when just minutes before he had felt like he was going completely insane.
He wondered absently, ridiculously, if maybe it was just the couch. The cushions were plush and Tuti found himself smiling as he sank into them, imagining his friend choosing this couch simply because of how comfortable it was, and disregarding all other practical details. Because it was unbelievably huge, taking up over half of the small living room, and Tuti was sure it had been nearly impossible to get into his friend’s apartment. He was positive that comfort had been the deciding factor. He half-wondered why Takashi didn’t sleep on the couch, and then realized in shock that his bed must be even more comfortable. He had felt a little of this, he guessed, just in his experience huddled on the very edge of it. No wonder his friend had to set so many alarms to wake himself up in the morning.
Tuti felt oddly at home somehow too, even though he had never even been officially invited into his friend’s apartment. He wondered, as sleep pulled at the corners of his mind, how Takashi would react to finding him there in the morning. If his friend would think it was weird. After all, Tuti really didn’t know what, if anything he wanted to tell his friend about the evening’s events. He didn’t know how much Takashi would want to know either.
But Tuti realized that it didn’t matter very much, what Takashi thought, because really he just felt like he was here because he wanted to be here. He wanted to be here when Takashi woke up. To make sure he was ok…but also… just because it felt right, and he felt like he should be here. He would probably need to think of a better reason than that though, Tuti realized, when Takashi asked him in the morning, but… for right now, he just wanted to sleep, and deal with the rest of it later.
**