Week 3, March 2009

[amri]

For: brigits_flame
Author: amriTitle: Untitled

Comments

[cedarwolfsinger]

This is very good. I can see where you might want to expand it. If you do that, please keep this as a piece in itself. It is very lovely and has a great deal of magic in it. It feels accurate and authentic. Good luck with it.

[amri]

Thank you very much! I'm so glad the magic shines through. I have this picture in my head and sometimes it's hard to get down in words. My kingdom for the ability to paint! =)

[aquarius_galuxy]

I love the images you've painted here! It's a very interesting (coincidental prompt, maybe? =p) follow-up to Week 2's piece. =D It leaves me wondering what her education in magic consists of. What about her father's reaction? Was he proud? I'd want to know more! =D

[amri]

Thank you very much!

I'm glad you enjoyed it and you have questions you want answered. =)

[aquarius_galuxy]

Will you be answering the questions in another installment? =P

[amri]

=D

Well, I'll certainly try to squeeze in it somewhere! =) If only to write something and send you a link.

[merthin]

I know the feeling of wanting to paint the picture in my head. This week I was especially mindful of that desire. - I enjoyed this expansion and I agree with both Cedar and Aquarius Galuxy. More, please. :-) Good luck.

[amri]

Thank you very much!

[amorvincitnos]

Hi, I'm one of your editors for this week. Nice description in this passage; lovely flow. Just a few things:

Your tense shifts a couple of times in the first paragraph, with "prepared" and "That would soon change," both implying a past tense.

There's a repetition of "stirs" in the second paragraph that is a little bit awkward; "the wind stirs my hair" "magic stirs in my blood" -- it's close together, so it's noticeable.

"the single voice" is a little confusing in the third paragraph; you haven't previously specified the voice, so I'm not sure who it refers to (probably the woman or the warlock, but it's not syntactically clear). I would either make it "a single voice" or specify earlier.

Also, I think it might be a day ON which the education begins? During which? In seems awkward.

Otherwise, nice tone and feel, and nice descriptive passages. :) Thanks for your contribution!

[amri]

Thank you for your time for the edits! =)

[alabasterfalcon]

HI, I'm your other editor for this piece. I'm very sorry I'm so late with this. My mind was completely elsewhere for the past few days and I've just today opened my email long enough to actually answer them.

This is a wonderful little thing! I love the description. Anytime an author can make me see the little snapshots of a scene, I'm happy! I'm pretty horrible at description myself and I'm amazed whenever I see it done well.

Like everyone else, I'd love to see more of this. You packed a ton of information in a very small amount of space without making it bogged down, but its still not enough. =)

The only thing I have something weird with (and it may just be me) is the shift back and forth between narrator and your character in white. It feels awkward to me, but it could just be because of the size of the piece. If this were in something a bit longer and it's become a normal pattern, then it would fit perfectly.

Very nicely done, and again, I'm sorry this is so late.

[amri]

Thank you very much for your time and edits. I hear Congratulations is in order for you - your marriage! =)

I get lazy and I like to challenge myself on snippets. I was actually playing around with style and PoVs and am happy how this came out. I definitely agree with it being short and in this style. I could see myself continuing this style with something else but I don't think it worked well with this universe.

Again, thanks! and Congratulations!

[alabasterfalcon]

Thank you!