Fic: The Twelve Crazy Days Of Christmas, DC Comics, PG, 1/1
Take the twelve days of Christmas. Add crack. Blend with DC Comics. Add more crack. Shake and stir. Sprinkle liberally with yet more crack. Read, boggle, and…enjoy.
The DC Comics Players proudly present:
The Twelve Crazy Days Of Christmas
A Crack-Fic Production
***
With a cast featuring:
The JLA
The Teen Titans
Young Justice
And numerous Robins from various continuities.
With cameos by characters from:
Marvel Comics
Harry Potter
And intrusions contributions from the Peanuts comic strip.
Fics referenced include:
Birds of a Feather by smittywing (A Tim/Steph AU)
Christmas in Bludhaven by smittywing
The Dracoverse by Kaylee (A Jason Todd AU)
Five Things That Never Happened To The Robins: Gold by monkeycrackmary (A Five Things AU)
Forty Thieves by sister_wolf (A Tim/Kon AU)
Growing Up Too Fast by derryderrydown (A Bart/Kon fic)
Love Times Two by Rea (A Tim/Kon series)
Potatoverse by smittywing (A Dick/Babs, Bruce/Dinah series)
Fics also mentioned briefly:
Cat Tales by Chris Dee (A Batman/Catwoman series featuring Ivan the man-eating flytrap)
Everything Spring by thete1 and petronelle (A Tim/Jason AU)
For Justice by thete1 (A Five Things Tim/Steph AU)
***
PROLOGUE: Let The Games Begin…
***
Backstage
Director: *eyes theater full of characters running amuck and causing commotions* We are soooo doomed.
Narrator: *nods slowly, also eyeing the chaos* I know. *sighs heavily*
Director: *sighs heavier* Why us?
Narrator: *innocuously, but with biting sarcasm* Because we’re fictional characters, and must suffer at the whims of our writers? *shrugs* How the fuck should I know?
Director: *groans as the overhead lights flicker in an SOS pattern* Well, I suppose we should get to work…if we want to have any hope of getting this production off the ground.
Narrator: *nods in agreement* Nothing to it but to do it.
CRASH! BOOM! BANG!
Director and Narrator: *in unison* We should have rehearsed this.
***
ACT I, SCENE I: The Show Must Go On - No Matter How Crazy.
***
On Stage
On the first day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: One - er, two…no, wait, three… Or is that four? Hell, it’s five now, isn’t it? *sighs frustratedly* Dammit.
Director: *hangs head* Take Two!
On the first day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: One group of Robins fighting crime in Gotham City.
Carrie Kelly: But I’ve never worked with another Robin in my life!
Narrator: *sighs*
On the second day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: Two black canaries…
Dinah Lance: *miffed* Hey, I am the only and only Black Canary, thank you very much. *mumbles* Now, anyway.
Narrator: …and one Robin (at a time) fighting crime in Gotham City.
Tim Drake: You know, he may go by Nightwing now, but Dick and I have both worked in Gotham - at the same time.
Jason Todd: Word, dude. *eyes Narrator* Er…dudette.
Narrator: *sighs*
On the third day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: Three French superheroes…
Remy LeBeau: *piqued* Hein, chere, I’m Cajun.
Jean-Paul Beaubier: *sniffs derisively* And I am Canadian.
Jean-Paul Valley: *eyes them* And they’re both from Marvel, not DC!
Narrator: *pointedly ignores the Peanut Gallery*
Backstage
Charlie Brown: Hey, all, I’ve brought the Christmas tree! *proudly holds out scraggly-looking evergreen bush*
Lucy: *shakes head* Oh, brother…
On Stage
Director: *stage whispers* Go on! *waves frantically*
Narrator: *head desks, then sucks it up and continues singing* …two black canaries…
Dinah Lance: *thoughtfully* Maybe I should change my name to Grey Canary…
Narrator: …and some Robins fighting crime in Gotham City.
Jason Todd: Some Robins? Way to be vague there, girlie.
Narrator: *annoyed sigh*
On the fourth day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: …four falling birds…
Dick Grayson: We fly, we don’t fall.
Tim Drake: Actually, we do fall - we just use jumplines to stop falling.
Narrator: …three French superheroes…
Remy LeBeau: *eyes the two Jean-Pauls* Uh, chere? Why we still here?
Backstage
Wolverine: *removes cigar from mouth and calls to Cajun* There have been official crossovers, bub.
On Stage
Director: *glares at Wolverine, then wilts as Wolverine unsheathes his claws*
Narrator: …two black canaries…
Dinah Lance: *muses* Maybe just Blackbird…
Narrator: …and a Robin (or two) fighting crime in Gotham City.
Jason Todd: You know, there are all those fics where I didn’t end up dead.
Stephanie Brown: Me too!
Tim Drake: *thoughtfully* I recall pulling a Robin duet with both of you. More than once.
Dick Grayson: I recall a Five Things fic where we were all Robin at once.
Narrator: *whimpers*
On the fifth day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: Five golden-flowering…things? (of an unidentified nature, from the planet Tamaran.)
Koriand’r: *pouts* I can identify them…
Bart Allen: But no one else can. *sneezes as flowers shoot pollen at him* Achoo!
Kyle Rayner and Oliver Queen: *in unison* Why couldn’t they be green things?
Gar Logan: Yeah!
Narrator: …four preying birds…
Helena Bertinelli: *snarls* That’s ‘Birds of Prey,’ bitch.
Cassandra Cain: Be nice. Is time for Christmas spirit.
Barbara Gordon: She hasn’t gotten to kick any ass this Christmas season.
Helena Bertinelli: *growls* Even Batgirl got to fight thieves off the Salvation Army Santas in Bludhaven!
Narrator: …three French superheroes…
Jean-Paul Beaubier: *waves to audience* Bonjour, Jean-Marie!
Narrator: …two black canaries…
Dinah Lance: Maybe I should get a sidekick! Then there could be two of me! *eyes Robin appraisingly*
Tim Drake: *backs away* I’m not becoming ‘Canary Lad.’
Dinah Lance: *pouts* Why not?
Tim Drake: I like wearing pants.
Jason Todd: *eyes Tim’s uniform jealously*
Narrator: …and more than one Robin fighting crime in Gotham City.
Jason Todd: And again with the vagueness.
Stephanie Brown: *elbows Jason* Hey, at least she remembered us.
Carrie Kelly: Yeah!
On the sixth day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: Six criminals fleeing…
Cheshire: *huffs* I prefer to think of it as exercising a strategic retreat.
Deathstroke: *rolls eye* I prefer to think of it as living to fight another day.
Narrator: …five Golden Age heroes…
Barry Allen: What was wrong with the Silver Age?
Diana of Thymescria: *intrigued* Is this the continuity where I have that invisible jet?
Hal Jordan: And why not green rings?
Narrator: *whispers an aside* Next verse.
Director: *gives up and throws away script*
Narrator: *wryly watching Director* …four falling walls…
Bart Allen: Wally?
Kon-El: Nah, I think she’s talking about the mythical Fourth Wall.
Cassie Sandsmark: *blinking in confusion* Huh?
Tim Drake: The dividing line between fiction and reality.
Secret: *intrigued* There is such a thing?
Anita Fite: *eyes bickering cast members* Not anymore, mon.
Director: *sighs and buries head in hands*
Narrator: …three French superheroes…
Jean-Paul Valley: Got any threes?
Jean-Paul Beaubier: Go fish.
Remy LeBeau: Ain’t ya all ever heard of poker?
Narrator: …two black canaries…
Dinah Lance: C’mon, please?
Tim Drake: *Batglares* No!
Narrator: …and more Robins than can fit in one tree.
Stephanie Brown: *snickers* Ain’t that the truth.
On the seventh day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: Seven Atlanteans swimming…
Garth of Shayeris: *raises eyebrow* You do realize that to us it’s walking, right?
Arthur Curry: Yes, quite.
Narrator: …six criminals fleeing…
Joker: I never flee from the scenes of my crimes!
Harley Quinn: *sarcastically* That’s why ya keep gettin’ us caught, Puddin’.
Joker: *wallops Harley with mallet*
Harley Quinn: @.@
Narrator: *backs away from crazy cuckoo couple* …five Green Lantern rings…
Connor Hawke: *ponders* Have there even been five Green Lanterns on Earth?
Kyle Rayner: Hmm… Well, there’s me, Jade, and I think her dad the Sentinel counts.
Hal Jordan: And I was the first Green Lantern…
John Stewart: And then there was me…
Guy Gardner: *pops in from nowhere* And in that warped dimension, I was one!
Hal & John: *facefault*
Kyle Rayner: *sweatdrops* Er…but with you there’d be six and that’d throw the numbers off.
Guy Gardner: *pouts* Always a spectator, never a superhero.
Narrator: …four phone calling Birds (of Prey)…
Helena Bertinelli: Huh?
Barbara Gordon: We’re trying to track down a member of the superhero community willing to play Santa for all the kids at the cast party after this fic is over.
Helena Bertinelli: *blinks* Oh.
Narrator: …three French superheroes…
Remy LeBeau: Got any Aces?
Both Jean-Pauls: Go fish.
Remy LeBeau: *sighs*
Narrator: …two black canaries…
Tim Drake: *tired of being pestered by Dinah* Even if I did becoming your sidekick, I’d still end up wearing yellow feathered shorts, so I wouldn’t be a black canary.
Dinah Lance: *deflates* Aw, crap. I hate it when you’re right.
Tim Drake: *sniffs superciliously* I’m Robin; I’m always right.
Jason Todd and Stephanie Brown: *snorfle*
Narrator: …and one Robin who became Nightwing.
Dick Grayson: Okay, the flow is better with that…
Tim Drake, Jason Todd, Stephanie Brown, and Carrie Kelly: …but what about the rest of us?!
Narrator: *mumbles an aside* Just be #^@%!$& patient!
Robins 1-5: *gulp and back away slowly before pelting for the backstage area*
On the eighth day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: Eight mages chanting…
Raven: I was wondering if anyone was going to mention me.
Tara Markov: Don’t feel bad; no one’s mentioned me yet, either.
Narrator: …seven Atlanteans swimming…
Tula: *pops head out of water* Do I get a cameo in this song?
Dolphin: *also surfaces, holding Cerdian* And what about me?
Tula: Who are you?
Dolphin: I’m Garth’s wife. *jiggles Cerdian* This is our son. Who are you?
Tula: …
Garth of Shayeris: *eyes lovers, past and present, and chooses to go bury his head in the sand until this verse of the song is over*
Director: *mumbles under breath* Smart man. Fish. Whatever.
Narrator: …six criminals fleeing…
Catwoman: *purrs and strokes Batman’s chest* Now, now, Bats, I’ve been a very good girl this year. Why would I need to flee…from you? *bats eyelashes coyly*
Batman: *gulps* Er…
Narrator: …five growing problem-type things…
Eel O’Brien: Huh?
Kyle Rayner: Counting this verse, there’s still five left.
Eel O’Brien: *morphs into giant exclamation point* I’m not sure we’ll survive.
Narrator: …four malling Birds (of Prey)…
Dinah Lance: Malling?
Cassandra Cain: *bouncing excitedly* Go to mall! Shop for Christmas presents!
Stephanie Brown: *reluctantly* I still have to get something for my Mom.
Helena Bertinelli: Bah humbug.
Barbara Gordon: *smugly* I do all my shopping online.
Narrator: …three French superheroes…
Remy LeBeau: *stealthily sneaks Ace of Hearts from up sleeve and places down cards* Gin!
Both Jean-Pauls: We’re not playing gin!
Narrator: …two black canaries…
Dinah Lance: If we’re going to the mall, I want to stop off at Cinnabon!
Cassandra Cain: Mmm, cinnamon.
Stephanie Brown: Hmmm… Mom likes fruitcake…
Helena Bertinelli: You’re all fruitcakes.
Narrator: …and one Robin who became Red Hood.
Jason Todd: *shrieks like a girl* What?! What about that series where I became Draco?
Stephanie Brown: It isn’t canon.
Jason Todd: *sulks* Canon sucks. In canon, both you and I are dead.
Stephanie Brown: *peevishly* At least you got to come back.
Jason Todd: Yeah, as a supervillian. And not just a supervillain, a really evil one.
Stephanie Brown: *shrugs* You take what you can get.
On the ninth day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: Nine reindeer prancing …
Gar Logan: I have no idea where we’re supposed to get nine reindeer.
Vic Stone: You could turn into one.
Gar Logan: Yes, Ironside, one. Where are we supposed to get the other eight?
Vic Stone: *shrugs* How should I know? Casting and props are the Director’s job.
Gar Logan: And why nine, anyway? I thought there were only eight reindeer in that poem.
Vic Stone: Well, you can’t forget Rudolph.
Gar Logan: *sarcastically* Riiiiight…
Narrator: …eight nosy reporters …
Lois Lane: Excuse me?
Clark Kent: *gulps and backs away from Mad Dog Lane*
Director: *whimpers pitifully*
Narrator: …seven Atlanteans swimming…
Garth of Shayeris: Yes, but swimming where?
Arthur Curry: *snorts* Perhaps away from all this madness.
Garth of Shayeris: *eyes Aquaman* You, a man who nicknamed me ‘Aqualad’ are calling into question someone else’s sanity?
Arthur Curry: *coughs and averts gaze*
Narrator: …six criminals fleeing…
The Riddler: Yeah, but fleeing from what? Riddle me that, why dontcha?
The Mad Hatter: After all, we’re already mad! *giggles*
Hugo Strange: *eyes the Ventriloquist* Some of us more than others.
Scarface: You wanna make somethin’ of us…pal? *pulls back safety on gun*
Hugo Strange: *backs away slowly* Er…no.
Narrator: …five deadly fruitcakes…
Stephanie Brown: Hey! What’s the meaning of that?
Jason Todd: *deadpans* Truth in advertising.
Narrator: …four fleeing Birds (of Prey)…
Helena Bertinelli: Fleeing? *readies crossbow*
Cassandra Cain: *nods* Steph bought stuff at mall to make fruitcake.
Barbara Gordon: *shudders*
Helena Bertinelli: *eyes widen* I’m outta here!
Narrator: …three French superheroes…
Backstage
Stephanie Brown: Hey, where are the two Jean-Pauls?
Remy LeBeau: Eh, I don’t know, chere, I ain’t seen ‘em. *pointedly does not look towards the wings where the two Jean-Pauls are hiding*
Stephanie Brown: *sighs* Well, when you do, give them their pieces of cake, all right? *hands over plates*
Remy LeBeau: *nods agreeably while lying through his teeth* Sure, chere.
On Stage
Narrator: …two black canaries…
Dinah Lance: *sadly* You know, barely anyone even remembers my mother anymore.
Barbara Gordon: *puts comforting hand on shoulder* Yeah, but you do, and that’s all that matters.
Dinah Lance: True.
Barbara Gordon: Besides, you’ve been Black Canary for almost twenty years. It’s a little late to try and break in a new identity.
Narrator: …and one Robin who is known as number three.
Tim Drake: Wait, that’s all I get?
Dick Grayson: Well, you haven’t gone on to a different identity.
Carrie Kelly: In canon, anyway. You’ve been known as everything from Shadowlance to Goshawk in fic.
Jason Todd and Stephanie Brown: *in unison* And at least you’re not dead.
On the tenth day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: Ten vigilantes sleeping…
Secret: *eyes slumbering heroes* Why are they asleep?
Slobo: They ain’t asleep; they fainted.
Secret: *boggles* Huh?
Slobo: They ate Spoiler’s fruitcake and couldn’t handle it. *belches* Bunch of fraggin’ wimps.
Narrator: …nine nighttime crimefighters…
All 5 Robins: *in unison* Does she mean us?
Birds of Prey: *chorus* And us!
Teen Titans (Minus Robin I): Titans Together!
Young Justice (Minus Robin III): Don’t forget about us!
Clark Kent: You know, Superman occasionally works at night…
Bruce Wayne: Quit horning in on my territory, Kal.
Lois Lane-Kent: And don’t quit your day job, dear. You’re my best byline. *kisses husband*
Clark Kent: *blushes*
Bruce Wayne: *rolls eyes*
Narrator: …eight fades to black…
Wally West: Awwright! Sex tonight!
Linda West: *rolls eyes* Not if you keep acting like you’re five, dear.
Narrator: …seven Atlanteans swimming…
Garth of Shayeris: Arthur, why are you hiding under the stage?
Arthru Curry: *puts finger to lips* Shhh! I’m avoiding Oracle.
Garth of Shayeris: *curious* Why?
Arthur Curry: *whispers* She’s trying to talk me into being Santa Claus for the cast party.
Garth of Shayeris: Why don’t you want to do it?
Arthur Curry: I overheard Harley Quinn say she was going to prove to Santa that she’d been a good girl this year, and I don’t want any part of it!
Garth of Shayeris: *gobsmacked*
Narrator: …six criminals fleeing…
Harley Quinn: *runs from Joker* But Puddin’, I was only gonna sit on his lap!
Joker: *chases after Harley, large mallet in hand* The only lap you’ll ‘sit’ on is mine!
Narrator: …five deadly flytraps…
Poison Ivy: *sniffs* Aw, you remembered my baby! I’m touched.
Two-Face: *snorts* Yeah, touched in the head.
Stephanie Brown: Want some fruitcake?
Flytrap: *snatches fruitcake, swallows*
Stephanie Brown: *incensed* Hey!
Flytrap: *makes rumbling noise and appears to choke while turning a sickly shade of red*
Poisons Ivy: *coos and pets plant* Ivan, now you know too much sugar isn’t good for you…
Flytrap: *expires*
Poisons Ivy: Ivan! *sobs*
Two-Face: *eyes widen and he backs away from Poison Ivy* C’mon, kid, let’s get while the getting’s good.
Stephanie Brown: *dutifully scampers after* Don’t you need to flip a coin first?
Two-Face: We’re not insane enough to need to flip over Ivy.
Narrator: …four bawling Birds (of Prey)…
Dick Grayson: What?
Tim Drake: *looking ill* Steph made them eat her fruitcake.
Jason Todd: *also slightly green* You too, huh?
Narrator: …three French superheroes…
Remy LeBeau: Eh, well, leastways it’s better ‘n Antarctica. *munches on fruitcake*
Both Jean-Pauls: *in unison* I can’t believe you’re eating that!
Remy LeBeau: What? If Rogue’s cookin’ didn’t kill this ‘ol Cajun, nothin’ will.
Narrator: …two black canaries…
Dinah Lance: *heaves into toilet* I certainly feel bad enough for there to be two of me.
Narrator: …and one Robin who was the very first Spoiler.
Stephanie Brown: *proudly* First and only!
Backstage
Jason Todd: What gives with all the happy? She’s dead, too.
Tim Drake: *hisses* Be quiet! Do you want her to hear you?
Dick Grayson: Yeah, Little Wing. It’s bad enough that you told her pointblank you didn’t like her fruitcake. Do you want her to batarang your ass?
Jason Todd: *sighs*
On Stage
Carrie Kelly: *bounces on toes* I’m next, I’m next!
Director: *in time with hitting his head on his desk* We know, we know…
On the eleventh day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: Eleven fighters fighting…
Anissa Pierce: Hmm, super strength against super density…
Grace Choi: *makes come on gesture* Bring it on, blondie.
Anissa Pierce: *eyes narrow* You want it…you got it. *pounces*
Narrator: …ten sidekicks playing leapfrog…
Bart Allen: Yeehaw! *bounds towards other members of Young Justice*
Gar Logan: Eep! Flee whilst ye can, kids. *shifts into a turtledove and takes off*
Vic Stone: Wait for me, green genes!
Anita Fite, Cassie Sandsmark, Kon-El, Tim Drake, and Secret: *follow in their wake*
Koriand’r: *pouts* Why did they leave? This leaping of frogs sounds like such fun.
Slobo: If anyone tries to leap me, I’ll frag ‘em!
Narrator: …nine ‘fraidy cats…
Catwoman: Funnily enough, I’m not the one being chased across rooftops tonight. *cracks whip* Here, Batty…
Batman: *flees from Catwoman’s womanly wiles*
Narrator: …eight daring devils…
Matt Murdock: Er, not that I’m not pleased to be here, but…
Ben Urich: What the fuck? We’re Marvel, girl!
Jean Grey: *strikes heroic pose* No, I’m Marvel Girl.
Scott Summers: *groans at the bad pun*
Narrator: …seven Atlanteans swimming…
Garth of Shayeris: *tries in vain to stifle grin* It’s…really you, Arthur.
Arthur Curry: *glowers from underneath red and green hat with golden jingle bells on points* I detest this ‘Santa Claus’ legend. *stomps candycane-striped leg in green pointed-toe-with-golden-bell shoe* But the only way I could convince Oracle not to make me play Santa Claus was to agree to be an…elf.
Dick Grayson: *eyes Aquaelf up and down* Suddenly my first costume doesn’t seem nearly so silly.
Narrator: …six criminals fleeing…
Two-Face: No, we don’t want to play Santy Claus, bitch!
Barbara Gordon: *hmmphs* Well, you don’t have to be rude about it!
Narrator: …five bursting bombs…
Grant Emerson: *eyes sizzling wreckage that once was Charlie Brown’s pitiful Christmas tree* Why do I always get stuck on bomb squad detail?
Toni Monetti: Because you blow up on a regular basis, Damage.
Grant Emerson: Yeah, but they never call me in until something’s already blown up.
Toni Monetti: *shrugs* People like a scapegoat.
Narrator: …four bleary-eyed Birds (of Prey)…
Helena Bertinelli: *chalk white* Damn, that girl’s cooking should be registered as a deadly weapon.
Cassandra Cain: *using Bat techniques not to show pain* Yeah.
Narrator: …three French superheroes…
Jean-Paul Beaubier: *steaming mad because Catwoman stole the playing cards* This fic is a joke.
Jean-Paul Valley: *perks up* Oh! Speaking of jokes, I know a good one.
Remy LeBeau: *sighs tiredly* Go on.
Jean-Paul Valley: What do you get when you cross the Sandman and Catwoman around Christmastime?
Remy LeBeau and Jean-Paul Beaubier: *perplexed* Who are they?
Jean-Paul Valley: *triumphantly* Sandy Claws!
Remy LeBeau and Jean-Paul Beaubier: *groan in unison*
Narrator: …the second Black Canary…
Dinah Lance: *considers* That’s better, but still not quite right.
Narrator: *fumes* …and one Robin who became Catgirl.
Dick Grayson: *shakes head* You and Jason both - choosing new monikers based on old villains.
Carrie Kelly: *stars in eyes* Shut up.
Dick Grayson: *muses* Come to think of it, bro, wasn’t there a Timfinity fic where you were ‘Catboy’?
Tim Drake: *glares* That’s ‘The Cat,’ and don’t even go there, bro.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Backstage
Dick Grayson: Things are getting even crazier around here the longer this song goes on. Maybe they should stick with the original musical instruments part of the song for the last verse.
Roy Harper: *nostalgically* I once had a band, you know. The Great Frog.
Wally West: *under his breath* More like the We’re Grateful That it’s Dead Frog.
In The Wings
Toni Monetti: *giggles and sings* Jeremiah was a bullfrog…
Grant Emerson: Duh-nuh.
Toni Monetti: *sings* Was a good friend of mine.
Grant Emerson: Duh-nuh.
Toni Monetti and Grant Emerson: *sings* We never understood a single word he said, but we always had a mighty fine time.
Backstage
Roy Harper: *ignores Wally, Toni, and Grant* I was the drummer.
Donna Troy: *tiredly* We know, Roy.
On Stage
Narrator: Twelve drummers drumming…
Roy Harper: *aghast* There was only one of me!
Dick Grayson and Donna Troy: We know, Roy.
Lian: *proudly* Uh-huh. He’s my one and only daddy.
Director: *gives into the insanity and offers Lian a candycane*
Narrator: …eleven pipers piping…
Wally: I didn’t know you were an undecaplet.
Hartley Rathaway: *fumes* I’m not. I am the one and only Pied Piper.
Narrator: …ten lords a-leaping…
Lord Voldemort: *glowers darkly* What am I, a frog?
Harry Potter: *scowls* More like a snake.
Wally West: *scratches head* Uh, aren’t they from the wrong section of the bookstore?
Jessie Quick: *shrugs* They’re both read by kids.
Director: *whimpers*
Narrator: …nine ladies dancing…
Lady Shiva: *glares* I don’t dance. Ever.
Narrator: *backs cautiously away from the World’s Deadliest Assassin* …eight sidekicks a-kicking (ass)…
Bart Allen: I’m not a sidekick! *pouts*
Kon-El: *folds arms across S on chest* Neither am I, man.
Cissie King-Jones: Ditto, but at least we’re getting mentioned in the song.
Cassie Sandsmark: Good point.
Narrator: …seven Atlanteans swimming (home for the holidays)…
Garth of Shayeris: We don’t actually have Christmas in Atlantis…
Aquaman: Or Hannukah, Kwanza, or the Winter Solstice, either.
Garth of Shayeris: …which begs the question why you’re wearing that elf costume. *smirks*
Arthur Curry: *glowers from underneath jingle-belled hat* Blackmail.
Narrator: …six criminals feeling sick…
Harley Quinn: *worriedly* Puddin’, are you okay?
Joker: *turns as green as his hair and passes out*
Two-Face: I told him not to eat that fruitcake.
Poison Ivy: *dismissively* He is a fruitcake.
Roxy Rocket: *eyes her piece queasily* Even I can’t defy something this deadly.
Jonathan Crane: *shudders* That foul concoction scares even me.
Narrator: …five thousand Chocos…
Martian Manhunter: *drools* Mmm, sounds delicious.
Wally West: Hey, J’onn, save some for the rest of us!
Kyle Rayner: *snorts* That’s rich, coming from the Bottomless Pit.
Narrator: …four beautiful Birds (of Prey)…
Barbara Gordon, Cassandra Cain, Dinah Lance, and Helena Bertinelli: Perfect!
Narrator: …three French superheroes…
Remy LeBeau: Merry Christmas to all…
Jean-Paul Beaubier and Jean-Paul Valley: …and to all a good night!
Narrator: …the twins of Black Canary (and Batman)…
Dinah Lance: *perks up* Okay, I can go with that.
Narrator: *relieved* …and every Robin ever created by DC.
Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Tim Drake, Stephanie Brown, and Carrie Kelly: YEAH!!
THE END
Director: *cheers* Finally! *faints*
Narrator: *turns to audience* Happy Holidays, Y’All!
The DC Comics Players proudly present:
The Twelve Crazy Days Of Christmas
A Crack-Fic Production
***
With a cast featuring:
The JLA
The Teen Titans
Young Justice
And numerous Robins from various continuities.
With cameos by characters from:
Marvel Comics
Harry Potter
And intrusions contributions from the Peanuts comic strip.
Fics referenced include:
Birds of a Feather by smittywing (A Tim/Steph AU)
Christmas in Bludhaven by smittywing
The Dracoverse by Kaylee (A Jason Todd AU)
Five Things That Never Happened To The Robins: Gold by monkeycrackmary (A Five Things AU)
Forty Thieves by sister_wolf (A Tim/Kon AU)
Growing Up Too Fast by derryderrydown (A Bart/Kon fic)
Love Times Two by Rea (A Tim/Kon series)
Potatoverse by smittywing (A Dick/Babs, Bruce/Dinah series)
Fics also mentioned briefly:
Cat Tales by Chris Dee (A Batman/Catwoman series featuring Ivan the man-eating flytrap)
Everything Spring by thete1 and petronelle (A Tim/Jason AU)
For Justice by thete1 (A Five Things Tim/Steph AU)
***
PROLOGUE: Let The Games Begin…
***
Backstage
Director: *eyes theater full of characters running amuck and causing commotions* We are soooo doomed.
Narrator: *nods slowly, also eyeing the chaos* I know. *sighs heavily*
Director: *sighs heavier* Why us?
Narrator: *innocuously, but with biting sarcasm* Because we’re fictional characters, and must suffer at the whims of our writers? *shrugs* How the fuck should I know?
Director: *groans as the overhead lights flicker in an SOS pattern* Well, I suppose we should get to work…if we want to have any hope of getting this production off the ground.
Narrator: *nods in agreement* Nothing to it but to do it.
CRASH! BOOM! BANG!
Director and Narrator: *in unison* We should have rehearsed this.
***
ACT I, SCENE I: The Show Must Go On - No Matter How Crazy.
***
On Stage
On the first day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: One - er, two…no, wait, three… Or is that four? Hell, it’s five now, isn’t it? *sighs frustratedly* Dammit.
Director: *hangs head* Take Two!
On the first day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: One group of Robins fighting crime in Gotham City.
Carrie Kelly: But I’ve never worked with another Robin in my life!
Narrator: *sighs*
On the second day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: Two black canaries…
Dinah Lance: *miffed* Hey, I am the only and only Black Canary, thank you very much. *mumbles* Now, anyway.
Narrator: …and one Robin (at a time) fighting crime in Gotham City.
Tim Drake: You know, he may go by Nightwing now, but Dick and I have both worked in Gotham - at the same time.
Jason Todd: Word, dude. *eyes Narrator* Er…dudette.
Narrator: *sighs*
On the third day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: Three French superheroes…
Remy LeBeau: *piqued* Hein, chere, I’m Cajun.
Jean-Paul Beaubier: *sniffs derisively* And I am Canadian.
Jean-Paul Valley: *eyes them* And they’re both from Marvel, not DC!
Narrator: *pointedly ignores the Peanut Gallery*
Backstage
Charlie Brown: Hey, all, I’ve brought the Christmas tree! *proudly holds out scraggly-looking evergreen bush*
Lucy: *shakes head* Oh, brother…
On Stage
Director: *stage whispers* Go on! *waves frantically*
Narrator: *head desks, then sucks it up and continues singing* …two black canaries…
Dinah Lance: *thoughtfully* Maybe I should change my name to Grey Canary…
Narrator: …and some Robins fighting crime in Gotham City.
Jason Todd: Some Robins? Way to be vague there, girlie.
Narrator: *annoyed sigh*
On the fourth day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: …four falling birds…
Dick Grayson: We fly, we don’t fall.
Tim Drake: Actually, we do fall - we just use jumplines to stop falling.
Narrator: …three French superheroes…
Remy LeBeau: *eyes the two Jean-Pauls* Uh, chere? Why we still here?
Backstage
Wolverine: *removes cigar from mouth and calls to Cajun* There have been official crossovers, bub.
On Stage
Director: *glares at Wolverine, then wilts as Wolverine unsheathes his claws*
Narrator: …two black canaries…
Dinah Lance: *muses* Maybe just Blackbird…
Narrator: …and a Robin (or two) fighting crime in Gotham City.
Jason Todd: You know, there are all those fics where I didn’t end up dead.
Stephanie Brown: Me too!
Tim Drake: *thoughtfully* I recall pulling a Robin duet with both of you. More than once.
Dick Grayson: I recall a Five Things fic where we were all Robin at once.
Narrator: *whimpers*
On the fifth day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: Five golden-flowering…things? (of an unidentified nature, from the planet Tamaran.)
Koriand’r: *pouts* I can identify them…
Bart Allen: But no one else can. *sneezes as flowers shoot pollen at him* Achoo!
Kyle Rayner and Oliver Queen: *in unison* Why couldn’t they be green things?
Gar Logan: Yeah!
Narrator: …four preying birds…
Helena Bertinelli: *snarls* That’s ‘Birds of Prey,’ bitch.
Cassandra Cain: Be nice. Is time for Christmas spirit.
Barbara Gordon: She hasn’t gotten to kick any ass this Christmas season.
Helena Bertinelli: *growls* Even Batgirl got to fight thieves off the Salvation Army Santas in Bludhaven!
Narrator: …three French superheroes…
Jean-Paul Beaubier: *waves to audience* Bonjour, Jean-Marie!
Narrator: …two black canaries…
Dinah Lance: Maybe I should get a sidekick! Then there could be two of me! *eyes Robin appraisingly*
Tim Drake: *backs away* I’m not becoming ‘Canary Lad.’
Dinah Lance: *pouts* Why not?
Tim Drake: I like wearing pants.
Jason Todd: *eyes Tim’s uniform jealously*
Narrator: …and more than one Robin fighting crime in Gotham City.
Jason Todd: And again with the vagueness.
Stephanie Brown: *elbows Jason* Hey, at least she remembered us.
Carrie Kelly: Yeah!
On the sixth day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: Six criminals fleeing…
Cheshire: *huffs* I prefer to think of it as exercising a strategic retreat.
Deathstroke: *rolls eye* I prefer to think of it as living to fight another day.
Narrator: …five Golden Age heroes…
Barry Allen: What was wrong with the Silver Age?
Diana of Thymescria: *intrigued* Is this the continuity where I have that invisible jet?
Hal Jordan: And why not green rings?
Narrator: *whispers an aside* Next verse.
Director: *gives up and throws away script*
Narrator: *wryly watching Director* …four falling walls…
Bart Allen: Wally?
Kon-El: Nah, I think she’s talking about the mythical Fourth Wall.
Cassie Sandsmark: *blinking in confusion* Huh?
Tim Drake: The dividing line between fiction and reality.
Secret: *intrigued* There is such a thing?
Anita Fite: *eyes bickering cast members* Not anymore, mon.
Director: *sighs and buries head in hands*
Narrator: …three French superheroes…
Jean-Paul Valley: Got any threes?
Jean-Paul Beaubier: Go fish.
Remy LeBeau: Ain’t ya all ever heard of poker?
Narrator: …two black canaries…
Dinah Lance: C’mon, please?
Tim Drake: *Batglares* No!
Narrator: …and more Robins than can fit in one tree.
Stephanie Brown: *snickers* Ain’t that the truth.
On the seventh day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: Seven Atlanteans swimming…
Garth of Shayeris: *raises eyebrow* You do realize that to us it’s walking, right?
Arthur Curry: Yes, quite.
Narrator: …six criminals fleeing…
Joker: I never flee from the scenes of my crimes!
Harley Quinn: *sarcastically* That’s why ya keep gettin’ us caught, Puddin’.
Joker: *wallops Harley with mallet*
Harley Quinn: @.@
Narrator: *backs away from crazy cuckoo couple* …five Green Lantern rings…
Connor Hawke: *ponders* Have there even been five Green Lanterns on Earth?
Kyle Rayner: Hmm… Well, there’s me, Jade, and I think her dad the Sentinel counts.
Hal Jordan: And I was the first Green Lantern…
John Stewart: And then there was me…
Guy Gardner: *pops in from nowhere* And in that warped dimension, I was one!
Hal & John: *facefault*
Kyle Rayner: *sweatdrops* Er…but with you there’d be six and that’d throw the numbers off.
Guy Gardner: *pouts* Always a spectator, never a superhero.
Narrator: …four phone calling Birds (of Prey)…
Helena Bertinelli: Huh?
Barbara Gordon: We’re trying to track down a member of the superhero community willing to play Santa for all the kids at the cast party after this fic is over.
Helena Bertinelli: *blinks* Oh.
Narrator: …three French superheroes…
Remy LeBeau: Got any Aces?
Both Jean-Pauls: Go fish.
Remy LeBeau: *sighs*
Narrator: …two black canaries…
Tim Drake: *tired of being pestered by Dinah* Even if I did becoming your sidekick, I’d still end up wearing yellow feathered shorts, so I wouldn’t be a black canary.
Dinah Lance: *deflates* Aw, crap. I hate it when you’re right.
Tim Drake: *sniffs superciliously* I’m Robin; I’m always right.
Jason Todd and Stephanie Brown: *snorfle*
Narrator: …and one Robin who became Nightwing.
Dick Grayson: Okay, the flow is better with that…
Tim Drake, Jason Todd, Stephanie Brown, and Carrie Kelly: …but what about the rest of us?!
Narrator: *mumbles an aside* Just be #^@%!$& patient!
Robins 1-5: *gulp and back away slowly before pelting for the backstage area*
On the eighth day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: Eight mages chanting…
Raven: I was wondering if anyone was going to mention me.
Tara Markov: Don’t feel bad; no one’s mentioned me yet, either.
Narrator: …seven Atlanteans swimming…
Tula: *pops head out of water* Do I get a cameo in this song?
Dolphin: *also surfaces, holding Cerdian* And what about me?
Tula: Who are you?
Dolphin: I’m Garth’s wife. *jiggles Cerdian* This is our son. Who are you?
Tula: …
Garth of Shayeris: *eyes lovers, past and present, and chooses to go bury his head in the sand until this verse of the song is over*
Director: *mumbles under breath* Smart man. Fish. Whatever.
Narrator: …six criminals fleeing…
Catwoman: *purrs and strokes Batman’s chest* Now, now, Bats, I’ve been a very good girl this year. Why would I need to flee…from you? *bats eyelashes coyly*
Batman: *gulps* Er…
Narrator: …five growing problem-type things…
Eel O’Brien: Huh?
Kyle Rayner: Counting this verse, there’s still five left.
Eel O’Brien: *morphs into giant exclamation point* I’m not sure we’ll survive.
Narrator: …four malling Birds (of Prey)…
Dinah Lance: Malling?
Cassandra Cain: *bouncing excitedly* Go to mall! Shop for Christmas presents!
Stephanie Brown: *reluctantly* I still have to get something for my Mom.
Helena Bertinelli: Bah humbug.
Barbara Gordon: *smugly* I do all my shopping online.
Narrator: …three French superheroes…
Remy LeBeau: *stealthily sneaks Ace of Hearts from up sleeve and places down cards* Gin!
Both Jean-Pauls: We’re not playing gin!
Narrator: …two black canaries…
Dinah Lance: If we’re going to the mall, I want to stop off at Cinnabon!
Cassandra Cain: Mmm, cinnamon.
Stephanie Brown: Hmmm… Mom likes fruitcake…
Helena Bertinelli: You’re all fruitcakes.
Narrator: …and one Robin who became Red Hood.
Jason Todd: *shrieks like a girl* What?! What about that series where I became Draco?
Stephanie Brown: It isn’t canon.
Jason Todd: *sulks* Canon sucks. In canon, both you and I are dead.
Stephanie Brown: *peevishly* At least you got to come back.
Jason Todd: Yeah, as a supervillian. And not just a supervillain, a really evil one.
Stephanie Brown: *shrugs* You take what you can get.
On the ninth day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: Nine reindeer prancing …
Gar Logan: I have no idea where we’re supposed to get nine reindeer.
Vic Stone: You could turn into one.
Gar Logan: Yes, Ironside, one. Where are we supposed to get the other eight?
Vic Stone: *shrugs* How should I know? Casting and props are the Director’s job.
Gar Logan: And why nine, anyway? I thought there were only eight reindeer in that poem.
Vic Stone: Well, you can’t forget Rudolph.
Gar Logan: *sarcastically* Riiiiight…
Narrator: …eight nosy reporters …
Lois Lane: Excuse me?
Clark Kent: *gulps and backs away from Mad Dog Lane*
Director: *whimpers pitifully*
Narrator: …seven Atlanteans swimming…
Garth of Shayeris: Yes, but swimming where?
Arthur Curry: *snorts* Perhaps away from all this madness.
Garth of Shayeris: *eyes Aquaman* You, a man who nicknamed me ‘Aqualad’ are calling into question someone else’s sanity?
Arthur Curry: *coughs and averts gaze*
Narrator: …six criminals fleeing…
The Riddler: Yeah, but fleeing from what? Riddle me that, why dontcha?
The Mad Hatter: After all, we’re already mad! *giggles*
Hugo Strange: *eyes the Ventriloquist* Some of us more than others.
Scarface: You wanna make somethin’ of us…pal? *pulls back safety on gun*
Hugo Strange: *backs away slowly* Er…no.
Narrator: …five deadly fruitcakes…
Stephanie Brown: Hey! What’s the meaning of that?
Jason Todd: *deadpans* Truth in advertising.
Narrator: …four fleeing Birds (of Prey)…
Helena Bertinelli: Fleeing? *readies crossbow*
Cassandra Cain: *nods* Steph bought stuff at mall to make fruitcake.
Barbara Gordon: *shudders*
Helena Bertinelli: *eyes widen* I’m outta here!
Narrator: …three French superheroes…
Backstage
Stephanie Brown: Hey, where are the two Jean-Pauls?
Remy LeBeau: Eh, I don’t know, chere, I ain’t seen ‘em. *pointedly does not look towards the wings where the two Jean-Pauls are hiding*
Stephanie Brown: *sighs* Well, when you do, give them their pieces of cake, all right? *hands over plates*
Remy LeBeau: *nods agreeably while lying through his teeth* Sure, chere.
On Stage
Narrator: …two black canaries…
Dinah Lance: *sadly* You know, barely anyone even remembers my mother anymore.
Barbara Gordon: *puts comforting hand on shoulder* Yeah, but you do, and that’s all that matters.
Dinah Lance: True.
Barbara Gordon: Besides, you’ve been Black Canary for almost twenty years. It’s a little late to try and break in a new identity.
Narrator: …and one Robin who is known as number three.
Tim Drake: Wait, that’s all I get?
Dick Grayson: Well, you haven’t gone on to a different identity.
Carrie Kelly: In canon, anyway. You’ve been known as everything from Shadowlance to Goshawk in fic.
Jason Todd and Stephanie Brown: *in unison* And at least you’re not dead.
On the tenth day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: Ten vigilantes sleeping…
Secret: *eyes slumbering heroes* Why are they asleep?
Slobo: They ain’t asleep; they fainted.
Secret: *boggles* Huh?
Slobo: They ate Spoiler’s fruitcake and couldn’t handle it. *belches* Bunch of fraggin’ wimps.
Narrator: …nine nighttime crimefighters…
All 5 Robins: *in unison* Does she mean us?
Birds of Prey: *chorus* And us!
Teen Titans (Minus Robin I): Titans Together!
Young Justice (Minus Robin III): Don’t forget about us!
Clark Kent: You know, Superman occasionally works at night…
Bruce Wayne: Quit horning in on my territory, Kal.
Lois Lane-Kent: And don’t quit your day job, dear. You’re my best byline. *kisses husband*
Clark Kent: *blushes*
Bruce Wayne: *rolls eyes*
Narrator: …eight fades to black…
Wally West: Awwright! Sex tonight!
Linda West: *rolls eyes* Not if you keep acting like you’re five, dear.
Narrator: …seven Atlanteans swimming…
Garth of Shayeris: Arthur, why are you hiding under the stage?
Arthru Curry: *puts finger to lips* Shhh! I’m avoiding Oracle.
Garth of Shayeris: *curious* Why?
Arthur Curry: *whispers* She’s trying to talk me into being Santa Claus for the cast party.
Garth of Shayeris: Why don’t you want to do it?
Arthur Curry: I overheard Harley Quinn say she was going to prove to Santa that she’d been a good girl this year, and I don’t want any part of it!
Garth of Shayeris: *gobsmacked*
Narrator: …six criminals fleeing…
Harley Quinn: *runs from Joker* But Puddin’, I was only gonna sit on his lap!
Joker: *chases after Harley, large mallet in hand* The only lap you’ll ‘sit’ on is mine!
Narrator: …five deadly flytraps…
Poison Ivy: *sniffs* Aw, you remembered my baby! I’m touched.
Two-Face: *snorts* Yeah, touched in the head.
Stephanie Brown: Want some fruitcake?
Flytrap: *snatches fruitcake, swallows*
Stephanie Brown: *incensed* Hey!
Flytrap: *makes rumbling noise and appears to choke while turning a sickly shade of red*
Poisons Ivy: *coos and pets plant* Ivan, now you know too much sugar isn’t good for you…
Flytrap: *expires*
Poisons Ivy: Ivan! *sobs*
Two-Face: *eyes widen and he backs away from Poison Ivy* C’mon, kid, let’s get while the getting’s good.
Stephanie Brown: *dutifully scampers after* Don’t you need to flip a coin first?
Two-Face: We’re not insane enough to need to flip over Ivy.
Narrator: …four bawling Birds (of Prey)…
Dick Grayson: What?
Tim Drake: *looking ill* Steph made them eat her fruitcake.
Jason Todd: *also slightly green* You too, huh?
Narrator: …three French superheroes…
Remy LeBeau: Eh, well, leastways it’s better ‘n Antarctica. *munches on fruitcake*
Both Jean-Pauls: *in unison* I can’t believe you’re eating that!
Remy LeBeau: What? If Rogue’s cookin’ didn’t kill this ‘ol Cajun, nothin’ will.
Narrator: …two black canaries…
Dinah Lance: *heaves into toilet* I certainly feel bad enough for there to be two of me.
Narrator: …and one Robin who was the very first Spoiler.
Stephanie Brown: *proudly* First and only!
Backstage
Jason Todd: What gives with all the happy? She’s dead, too.
Tim Drake: *hisses* Be quiet! Do you want her to hear you?
Dick Grayson: Yeah, Little Wing. It’s bad enough that you told her pointblank you didn’t like her fruitcake. Do you want her to batarang your ass?
Jason Todd: *sighs*
On Stage
Carrie Kelly: *bounces on toes* I’m next, I’m next!
Director: *in time with hitting his head on his desk* We know, we know…
On the eleventh day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Narrator: Eleven fighters fighting…
Anissa Pierce: Hmm, super strength against super density…
Grace Choi: *makes come on gesture* Bring it on, blondie.
Anissa Pierce: *eyes narrow* You want it…you got it. *pounces*
Narrator: …ten sidekicks playing leapfrog…
Bart Allen: Yeehaw! *bounds towards other members of Young Justice*
Gar Logan: Eep! Flee whilst ye can, kids. *shifts into a turtledove and takes off*
Vic Stone: Wait for me, green genes!
Anita Fite, Cassie Sandsmark, Kon-El, Tim Drake, and Secret: *follow in their wake*
Koriand’r: *pouts* Why did they leave? This leaping of frogs sounds like such fun.
Slobo: If anyone tries to leap me, I’ll frag ‘em!
Narrator: …nine ‘fraidy cats…
Catwoman: Funnily enough, I’m not the one being chased across rooftops tonight. *cracks whip* Here, Batty…
Batman: *flees from Catwoman’s womanly wiles*
Narrator: …eight daring devils…
Matt Murdock: Er, not that I’m not pleased to be here, but…
Ben Urich: What the fuck? We’re Marvel, girl!
Jean Grey: *strikes heroic pose* No, I’m Marvel Girl.
Scott Summers: *groans at the bad pun*
Narrator: …seven Atlanteans swimming…
Garth of Shayeris: *tries in vain to stifle grin* It’s…really you, Arthur.
Arthur Curry: *glowers from underneath red and green hat with golden jingle bells on points* I detest this ‘Santa Claus’ legend. *stomps candycane-striped leg in green pointed-toe-with-golden-bell shoe* But the only way I could convince Oracle not to make me play Santa Claus was to agree to be an…elf.
Dick Grayson: *eyes Aquaelf up and down* Suddenly my first costume doesn’t seem nearly so silly.
Narrator: …six criminals fleeing…
Two-Face: No, we don’t want to play Santy Claus, bitch!
Barbara Gordon: *hmmphs* Well, you don’t have to be rude about it!
Narrator: …five bursting bombs…
Grant Emerson: *eyes sizzling wreckage that once was Charlie Brown’s pitiful Christmas tree* Why do I always get stuck on bomb squad detail?
Toni Monetti: Because you blow up on a regular basis, Damage.
Grant Emerson: Yeah, but they never call me in until something’s already blown up.
Toni Monetti: *shrugs* People like a scapegoat.
Narrator: …four bleary-eyed Birds (of Prey)…
Helena Bertinelli: *chalk white* Damn, that girl’s cooking should be registered as a deadly weapon.
Cassandra Cain: *using Bat techniques not to show pain* Yeah.
Narrator: …three French superheroes…
Jean-Paul Beaubier: *steaming mad because Catwoman stole the playing cards* This fic is a joke.
Jean-Paul Valley: *perks up* Oh! Speaking of jokes, I know a good one.
Remy LeBeau: *sighs tiredly* Go on.
Jean-Paul Valley: What do you get when you cross the Sandman and Catwoman around Christmastime?
Remy LeBeau and Jean-Paul Beaubier: *perplexed* Who are they?
Jean-Paul Valley: *triumphantly* Sandy Claws!
Remy LeBeau and Jean-Paul Beaubier: *groan in unison*
Narrator: …the second Black Canary…
Dinah Lance: *considers* That’s better, but still not quite right.
Narrator: *fumes* …and one Robin who became Catgirl.
Dick Grayson: *shakes head* You and Jason both - choosing new monikers based on old villains.
Carrie Kelly: *stars in eyes* Shut up.
Dick Grayson: *muses* Come to think of it, bro, wasn’t there a Timfinity fic where you were ‘Catboy’?
Tim Drake: *glares* That’s ‘The Cat,’ and don’t even go there, bro.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, DC Comics gave to me…
Backstage
Dick Grayson: Things are getting even crazier around here the longer this song goes on. Maybe they should stick with the original musical instruments part of the song for the last verse.
Roy Harper: *nostalgically* I once had a band, you know. The Great Frog.
Wally West: *under his breath* More like the We’re Grateful That it’s Dead Frog.
In The Wings
Toni Monetti: *giggles and sings* Jeremiah was a bullfrog…
Grant Emerson: Duh-nuh.
Toni Monetti: *sings* Was a good friend of mine.
Grant Emerson: Duh-nuh.
Toni Monetti and Grant Emerson: *sings* We never understood a single word he said, but we always had a mighty fine time.
Backstage
Roy Harper: *ignores Wally, Toni, and Grant* I was the drummer.
Donna Troy: *tiredly* We know, Roy.
On Stage
Narrator: Twelve drummers drumming…
Roy Harper: *aghast* There was only one of me!
Dick Grayson and Donna Troy: We know, Roy.
Lian: *proudly* Uh-huh. He’s my one and only daddy.
Director: *gives into the insanity and offers Lian a candycane*
Narrator: …eleven pipers piping…
Wally: I didn’t know you were an undecaplet.
Hartley Rathaway: *fumes* I’m not. I am the one and only Pied Piper.
Narrator: …ten lords a-leaping…
Lord Voldemort: *glowers darkly* What am I, a frog?
Harry Potter: *scowls* More like a snake.
Wally West: *scratches head* Uh, aren’t they from the wrong section of the bookstore?
Jessie Quick: *shrugs* They’re both read by kids.
Director: *whimpers*
Narrator: …nine ladies dancing…
Lady Shiva: *glares* I don’t dance. Ever.
Narrator: *backs cautiously away from the World’s Deadliest Assassin* …eight sidekicks a-kicking (ass)…
Bart Allen: I’m not a sidekick! *pouts*
Kon-El: *folds arms across S on chest* Neither am I, man.
Cissie King-Jones: Ditto, but at least we’re getting mentioned in the song.
Cassie Sandsmark: Good point.
Narrator: …seven Atlanteans swimming (home for the holidays)…
Garth of Shayeris: We don’t actually have Christmas in Atlantis…
Aquaman: Or Hannukah, Kwanza, or the Winter Solstice, either.
Garth of Shayeris: …which begs the question why you’re wearing that elf costume. *smirks*
Arthur Curry: *glowers from underneath jingle-belled hat* Blackmail.
Narrator: …six criminals feeling sick…
Harley Quinn: *worriedly* Puddin’, are you okay?
Joker: *turns as green as his hair and passes out*
Two-Face: I told him not to eat that fruitcake.
Poison Ivy: *dismissively* He is a fruitcake.
Roxy Rocket: *eyes her piece queasily* Even I can’t defy something this deadly.
Jonathan Crane: *shudders* That foul concoction scares even me.
Narrator: …five thousand Chocos…
Martian Manhunter: *drools* Mmm, sounds delicious.
Wally West: Hey, J’onn, save some for the rest of us!
Kyle Rayner: *snorts* That’s rich, coming from the Bottomless Pit.
Narrator: …four beautiful Birds (of Prey)…
Barbara Gordon, Cassandra Cain, Dinah Lance, and Helena Bertinelli: Perfect!
Narrator: …three French superheroes…
Remy LeBeau: Merry Christmas to all…
Jean-Paul Beaubier and Jean-Paul Valley: …and to all a good night!
Narrator: …the twins of Black Canary (and Batman)…
Dinah Lance: *perks up* Okay, I can go with that.
Narrator: *relieved* …and every Robin ever created by DC.
Dick Grayson, Jason Todd, Tim Drake, Stephanie Brown, and Carrie Kelly: YEAH!!
THE END
Director: *cheers* Finally! *faints*
Narrator: *turns to audience* Happy Holidays, Y’All!