quote post part 3!?
Check it out. The Not-So-Big-Yet Book of College quotes. :D You'll notice my Japanese professor got his own section, because he is just that hilarious. As did lines from Supernatural, because that show is amazing. Period.
Part two of the quote archive is here.
Part one of the quote archive is here.
Quotes from real life
Me and my sister: *flipping through this weird Star Trek manga in Barnes and Noble*
My sister: WHAT IN THE NAME OF LEONARD NIMOY IS THIS.
Me: BLESSED SAINT LEONARD, SAVE US.
Me: What could Cloud buy for Tifa that would help business?
My sister: Breast enhancement?
Me: *explodes with lol*
“Today, my mom fell off a cliff and my planet blew up. FML.” - me and my sister, watching Star Trek XI
“I was trying to put my pajamas on, and Liz opened the door and started screaming for Ridge to come see, so then I was trying to put my pants on quick and I fell onto my bed, and I was flailing around with one leg in my pants, and then I fell on the floor!” - Katie
Liz: *trying out Emily’s stun gun on a random apple* MAYBE NEXT TIME, APPLE.
Katie: NO MEANS NO, APPLE.
Katie: And I will never go to class ever again, because I will be trapped in a net.
Liz: Multiple nets.
Dan: I’d be like, eight pounds!
Katie: AND NINETY POUNDS OF PENIS.
[Watching Mulan]
Shan-Yu: *picks up doll and sniffs it*
Liz: *screams* ME LIKE DOLLIE
“At least I didn’t assault you with a Russian cock.” - Liz
My mom: *squishes giant ant in toilet paper and flushes it down the toilet* DROWN IT WITH PEEEEEE.
Me and my sister: *dying of lol*
[Later on, we’re giggling about the above quote and explain it to my bewildered dad.]
My dad: Oh, I thought maybe you were talking about Hagrid.
Everyone: ..........
[Brandon had picked up a really disgusting-looking tuna melt sandwich at lunch.]
Brandon: Hey Anna, I’ll give you a dollar if you eat this.
Anna: Ew, what? No way! I don’t really like tuna, and I hate tomatoes!
Brandon: The correct answer was, “I don’t need a dollar that badly.”
Anna: Well, that too!
“My CIE professor won’t cancel class because he never cancels class, psych won’t be canceled because we’re starting a new unit, and Japanese won’t be canceled because my professor is Japanese and he doesn’t care about Jesus.” - me, on why I wouldn’t be fortunate enough to have any classes canceled on Good Friday
“Feel my guns! Feel my guns!” - Paloma
“This is exciting enough for a phone hat!” - Liz
Anna: *at the end of Japanese, when we were both really hungry* I’m going to go to lunch and eat everything! You don’t get any!
Me: Aww. :(
Anna: I’M GOING TO EAT ALL THE HOT DOGS.
Me: Yeah, I know how much you love eating hot dogs.
Anna: Yeah - heeeeey!
Anna: *grabs my shoulders* PHOENIX EATS EDGEWORTH’S HOT DOG.
Me: *dies of lol*
- This was a few minutes after the above quote.
*During a big sad part of the FMA movie*
Me: Aww, I hate this part...
Katie: I HATE THIS WHOLE MOVIE.
“Did you just say ‘homunguli’?! Is that like, humongous and something else put together?” - Katie, while Liz and I were watching the FMA movie. So, Liz attempted to explain what a homunculus is in an FMA context... so Katie asks, “Why don’t they just call them ‘halfies’? Or ‘fetii’?”
“Put on your Sunday foot!” - Liz, singing to the tune of “Put On Your Sunday Clothes”. ...we were watching the Fullmetal movie at the time.
“I don’t want to intercept a cock!” - me
“Geographic lesbians!” - Katie
Katie: There’s this video where it’s eight seconds of her trying to cram a cheese curl in my mouth!
Liz: She’s like those goats at the petting zoo. You’re trying to get the grain through the fence and they’re like elgljljlljlll! *sticks tongue out and wiggles it about*
Liz: Get some pictures of gay black men.... VOTING.
Katie: THIS IS THE CLOSEST I’VE EVER COME TO PEEING MY PANTS.
- making fun of Jake who hates black people. And gays. And women.
“Lucyyy! You cannot be in the show! Blegherihaghh Spanish things!” - Liz, summarizing ‘I Love Lucy’
“I got friend-requested by a dog. And a towel. And my aunt, which was really awkward.” - Nate
Liz: *squeals in terror and slams her laptop shut*
Me: What!?
Liz: I went to check this online Spanish dictionary, so it’s “Spanish dict.com”, right? ..... I didn’t type a “t”.
Me: ...o_o
Emily: *walks in* Liiiisa, will you rub my legs?
Me: ......o___O
Emily: *sits down at her desk* Ugh. Mehh. Argh. Gah. Ughhh!
Me: ...You okay over there?
Emily: Noooo!
Me: *while they’re playing this really old Destiny’s Child song at Late Night Lower* Wow, I think I had this song on, like, Now 6.
Paloma: *cracks up, spits soda everywhere*
Me: So Eemahlee wants Leesha to be a stripper now?
Emily: Eemahlee wants Leesha to be happy...so if you want to be a stripper, knock your socks off.
Paloma: Literally!
Me: ...wow.
“Liz, I have two words for you: ‘statutory’, and ‘rape’.” - Katie, when Liz was lusting over magazine pictures of Taylor Lautner, who’s like 16 I think XD
“Aww, you little weakling. *pokes my nose*” - Anna, to me
“I have a dead tooth. My tooth died.” - Jessie
Emily: Hey Jess, if Lisa and Liz were dating, who would be the guy?
Jessie: *immediately* Liz.
Me: I just found out there’s no House tonight. :[
Paloma: ....What?! Why!?
Me: Some dude named Obama is talking instead...
Paloma: D: Who does he think he is!?
Me: I know, infringing on our House time! *shuffles away* I’m just going to go console myself with episodes of Supernatural...
Me: *playing Twilight Princess* *directs Link to blow on some grass, which summons his horse*
Liz: *in her room* Someone’s calling Epona! *comes running into my room and gallops a circle around me* Neeeeiiighhhh!
Me: ......Thanks Liz.
“I would have sex with Mr. Spock, but I would not have sex with Leonard Nimoy.” - Anna
“Safe-search ‘porn’.” - Emily
Me: Why won’t Julian let us borrow V For Vendetta?
Emily: *frowns* ‘Cause he’s gay! [We love teasing Julian about the bromance between him and his roommate Dan]
Liz: *in obnoxious French accent* Ah like taking it up zhe butt!
Brian [Emily’s boyfriend]: ...Maybe I should ask for it, then.
Paloma: I gotta say goodbye to my buff-uff-uff! (Apparently that's how you pronounce “BFF” in Paloma-land)
Me: Wait, doesn’t that have an extra ‘f’? “Buff” is “BF”, right?
Paloma: Yep!
Me: So then it would be “BFFF”.
Paloma: Yeah, “best friends forever and ever”!
Me: Then shouldn’t it be “BFFE”?
Paloma: Maybe I pronounce my ‘e’s as ‘f’s!
Me: So what, it’s Fffmily now instead of Emily?
Mrs. B: *directing the Shakespeare Club rehearsal* Okay, now you all dance.
Kids: *just kinda dance around on stage, since there’s no music*
Girl sitting next to me who is not in the current scene: *quietly, under her breath* Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you go...
Me: *dies of hilarity and Rickroll*
“Oh haaaaaaaaaaaaay." - me, Liz, Emily, and Katie. Just, like, all day.
*The next few quotes are from when we watched Harry Potter movies all weekend on ABC Family*
Liz: Why is he [Harry] stopping!? Just GO!
Ali: He can’t help it. He’s just such a good person.
Me: ....You said that with a touch of irony in your voice, Ali. :D
“WHERE DID THEY POOP!? DID THEY LIKE TAKE TURNS POOPING OUT OF EACH OTHER’S MOUTHS!?” - Liz, on CatDog
Liz: *hits Voldemort in the forehead with her Nerf gun* YES RIGHT IN THE FOREHEAD. RUN HARRY, RUN. *pretends to be talking into a walkie-talkie* This is Pal to Pot, Pal to Pot, over!
“I’ve got some Chlorofornium with my Viagrialus! DATEUS RAPEUS!” - Liz
Liz: I don’t get it, how’d that work!?
Ali: It’s maaaAAAAaagic.
Katie: The last time she started asking questions about vampires... We talked about how Carlisle Cullen is the mayor of Narnia!
Me: And he ATE ASLAN.
“EXPECTOOOO PATROOOOONUUMMMaahh!” - me and Ali. Dan really over-enunciates that ‘m’ on the end there. XD
Liz: *talking about sex with Edward Cullen. No, really.* Why would you screw a statue!? There’s no give to that thing! It’d be like... f*****g the statue of David!
Me: Well yeah, but she [Bella] doesn’t really think of him as a statue-
Liz: YES SHE DOES. She’s always like “my statue god Adonis blaaaargh!”
Liz: Lisa, you have sweaters!
Me: .....o_O
“TAKE MY FIIIIIIIG!” - Liz, because I had this dream where Joaquin Phoenix gave Edward Cullen an poisoned Fig Newton.
“Suck my hooorn!” - Liz
"Did you just say Nakedsaurus!?" - Jessie
Me: I can’t find Julian [on Facebook].
Liz: Maybe he’s only on some weird French version of Facebook [Julian is French]. *in an obnoxious French accent* La FacebooOOOooooke!
“Don’t cry for me Lisatinaaaaa...” - Liz singing
Me: I’m gonna update my quotes.
Liz: Aghoihblalhouohalhh.
Me: And then tell people to go see the updated quotes.
Liz: Good...I need feedback on my life so I know if I’m doing it right, arghblahhoihagaheh.
“How do you spell ‘Argahblahhoiuoohblahhhgg’?” - Liz
“If I were a lioness, I would do Scar.” - Anna: destroying your childhood memories since 2008
“Dead lions aside...” - Emily
“Screw you and your Jewish chocolate.” - Emily
"PUT THAT IN YOUR BLOG AND POST IT, LISA. Leeesshhhaaa." - Liz, who is cuh-razeh and checks this post every day.
Me: Good luck with your PokéCenter, guys. *walks away*
Liz: Nurse Joy...where are you, Nurse Joyyy...
*It begins to pour, the rain making loud, disconcerting noises on all the windows.*
Liz: *from down the hall, in her room* WHAT THE F**K IS GOING ON OUTSIDE!?
(and then I went down to her room and discovered they were watching The Nightmare Before Christmas :D)
*Watching the end of The Nightmare Before Christmas*
Paloma: ...How would you kiss him [Jack]?
Me: I DON’T KNOW. I wonder that every time I watch this movie.
Katie: It’d be an awful lot of...teeth.
Liz: RRRGH GRAGH URGHH *teeth gnashing noises*
*Still watching the end of The Nightmare Before Christmas*
Me: Apparently, in the original poem or whatever, it says they [Jack and Sally] had babies. Somehow.
Paloma: ...........How does that work?
Katie: Yeah, skeletons don’t have penises.
Liz: BONER! Ha-HA!
(The best thing was that Liz was in the corner of the room behind her bed doing homework, so we’d just hear her voice yelling all these inappropriate things. XD)
“Definition by example. Thank you, Euthyphro.” - Máire, being adorable in CIE. Oh, Socrates, you and your dialogues.
Emily: *jokingly* Lisa and I are going out drinking.
Jessie: *from inside the closet* Noooo! Make good choices!
- ahaha I love my roommates.
*Watching Iron Man*
Me: What!? Now how does that even work!? You can’t wear a hologram!
Emily: Tony Stark can wear a hologram.
*Watching Fringe*
Weird bad guy: How old are you - 28, 29? You’re a young woman. I’m sure you want to settle down someday, have a family. I’d hate for anything to prevent that from happening. *walks away*
Me: ....That was weird.
Emily: Very weird.
Me: Did he just threaten her uterus?
*Watching Fringe*
Creepy evil-ish lady: Your father and I were...very close when we were much younger.
Me: Ew.
Emily: ‘Mom!?’
“You’re like an ant. Pheromones come out of your ass and guys just follow you in a big line.” - Liz, to Paloma
“Why don’t you have any manhood!? Or I guess ‘boyhood’ since you never grew up...” - Liz, looking at a coloring book page Peter Pan in which his tunic was extra short
“Why does Tarzan get huge man circles and Aladdin has no nipples at all!?” - Liz, on her Disney coloring book
“All the students were like, ‘Yeah, sure, it’s a great idea!’ and all the faculty were like, ‘I CAN’T HANDLE NOT HAVING A TRAY’.” - Jessie, on the survey responses to ‘Trayless Tuesdays’ in the dining hall
“Win a sex basket!” - subject line of an email I received from the school
Robyn: Are you guys watching The Little Mermaid?
Us: Yep!
Robyn: I’m so jealous. *heads down the hall* Part of your woooorrrrlllld....
“Aw, man, we better get married before we grow third eyes.” - Emily
Me: I’m dead, but at least I get to hang out with Heath [Ledger]!
Emily: Thank you, nuclear power plant!
- There’s a nuclear power plant not too far from us and on a clear day, we can see the steam clouds from campus. Emily and I got into a really bizarre, slightly morbid conversation about what would happen to us if it ever exploded or had a meltdown or whatever. XD
*Watching The Dark Knight*
Harvey Dent: If I were sneaking out every night, people would notice. *googly eyes at Rachel*
Me: Also, his chin would give it away.
Emily: Yeah, you can’t hide a butt-chin like that.
Harvey Dent: *flailing around in gasoline*
Jessie: Noo...his beautiful face...
Emily: Besides his butt-chin.
“At least his butt-chin is gone.” - Ali, on Two-Face
“Well...Miles was in Europe for a couple years, right? So he and Phoenix can be like, ‘BLARGH IMMIGRATION’.” - Anna, helping me with my CIE paper
Me: Oh, Emily, I forgot to mention - I bumped into Whitney last night, and she said you look like Sarah Palin.
Emily: ...........
“Hi, I’m Krishna. I walked into class today and everyone wondered why I was blue. They also wondered why I had multiple sets of arms.” - Anna
Paloma: *has been munching white chocolate-covered pretzels for the last 15 minutes or so* ...I feel sick.
Liz: *leans over and tries to snatch the bag away* STOP EATING THE F*****G PRETZELS.
“I’m just gonna stand here in the hall and swing my trash can around...” - Paloma
Mike: *dressed up as a pirate for Talk Like a Pirate Day* We be shoving off from the port side at 6:30 tomorrow!
Lauren: Aye-aye, sir.
Anna: What port side? There isn’t a body of water around here for miles.
Mike: ...The swimming pool [in the gym], of course!
“Got a prob-loma? Ask Paloma!” - what Liz wrote on Paloma’s whiteboard
Paloma: When I was born, the doctor said I had an old spirit.
Brian: Was the doctor a Native American?
Paloma: I don’t know, I wasn’t there!
Extremely drunk girl: What’s the next hurricane called?
Less drunk boyfriend: Ike.
Drunk girl: Huh, what’s his name?
Less drunk friend: Ike.
Drunk girl: Ike!? Like Dyke and Ike!?
Everyone in the group who is sober or at least relatively so: ............
Jessi: *talking about our movie list* And 10 Things I Hate About You, which stars my boyfriend. ...Well, dead boyfriend.
Us: *tear*
Me: *talking to my family about CIE readings* And next we’re reading Genesis.
My mom: Genesis as in...real Genesis? From the Bible?
Me: Yep.
My sister: You’re reading Genesis Rhapsoddyyyy?
Me: ....No, not him.
“YOU’RE THE ZACK TO MY CLOUD.” - Ashley, to me
Me: I GUESS I’M ALSO THE CLOUD TO YOUR ZACK.
Ashley: YOU SURE ARE, it’s interchangeable like that.
*During a rousing game of Taboo, which is that game where you have to describe something to your partner without using certain words.*
Ali: Uh, you do this when you feel bad...
Anna: Masturbate!?
“You press your mouths together under this during the winter months...” - a different Anna, describing ‘mistletoe’
Me: *describing ‘dream’* Most of the time these are really weird, and sometimes you don’t remember them in the morning...
Anna #2: Boys?
Everyone: *EXPLODES WITH LOL*
Weird times with Dan and Julian
“You know those shirts that say ‘gay? Fine by me’? My shirt would say, ‘Straight? Me too. That’s cool.” - Dan
“They should make a skinny suit for fat actors.” - Dan
“Why didn’t the cute leader man say what he likes in a girl?” - Dan, watching Mulan
“I wish that I had jizzed in my ex-girlfriend's face. Every girl needs a little hatin’ with the lovin’.” - Julian
“Them girlies is lookin’.” - Julian
“There’s nothing a good dick-slapping wouldn’t fix.” - Julian
“Fine, Dan! You get your roast beef NONSENSE!” - Julian
Liz: *referring to Burt Reynolds, her large plastic penis she got from the anatomy lab* What do these numbers mean? Dan, how well do you know your penis?
Dan: THAT IS NOT MY PENIS.
Julian: When you’re sitting out on the porch on a hot day, what beverage do you want brought out to you? And don’t say iced tea, ‘cause that’s gay.
Dan: *peeking around the doorway* Lemonade.
- They were trying to persuade us to come downstairs and partake in some Mike’s Hard Lemonade
Good times on Supernatural
Dean: What is this, “The Suite Life of Zach and Cas”?
Zachariah and Castiel: ...........
Dean: .....It’s a....show....
- “Lucifer Rising”
“Well, BOO-HOO! I’m sorry your feelings got hurt, PRINCESS! - Bobby to Dean, “Lucifer Rising”. Moments like these are why Bobby needs to remain on Supernatural forever and ever and never get killed off.
Sam: ...It’s Ghost Sickness.
Dean: Ghost Sickness?
Sam: Yeah.
Dean: God, no.
Sam: Yeah. :/
Dean: ......I don’t even know what that is.
- “Yellow Fever”
Dean: I’ve been re-hymenated! :D
Sam: Re...*gives up and just stares*
- “Monster Movie”
Dean: I mean, if you were a 600-year-old hag who could pick any costume, wouldn’t you come back as a hot young cheerleader?
Sam: .....*half-shrug*
Dean: I would. ....Mmm...
Sam and Dean: *long awkward silence*
- “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester” WHICH WAS SUCH A GOOD EPISODE OMG
Sam: All this time, we’ve been ignoring the biggest clue - you!
Dean: I dun wanna be a clue. :[
- “Yellow Fever”, in which Dean contracts “Ghost Sickness” which makes him get more and more scared of absolutely everything, with hilarious results. :3
Dean: I’m Batman! :D
Sam: ......You’re Batman...?
- “Bad Day at Black Rock”
“.......I lost my shoe. :[ ” - Sam, “Bad Day at Black Rock”
“Are you allergic to straight answers!?” - Dean, yelling after Castiel, “In the Beginning”
Sam: *locked in a closet, comes to after being knocked out...yet again* DEAN!?
Big monster guy who eats people: *covered in blood* DEAN CAN’T COME TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW!!
Sam: !!!??!?!?
- “Metamorphosis” idk it made me giggle.
“Sammy, wherever you are, Mom’s a babe! ....... I’m going to Hell. ...Again.” - Dean, “In the Beginning”
“Of course I wanna hunt some zombies!” - Dean, “Time Is on My Side”
“So it’s a zombie with skills. ‘Dr. Quinn, Medicine Zombie’!” - Dean, “Time Is on My Side”, which was actually a really scary episode, um immortal stitched-up doctor man trying to scoop Sam’s eye out with like a melon baller, DO NOT WANT.
Sam: It’s not Dad.
Dean: Then what is it?
Sam: A crocotta.
Dean: What’s that, a sandwich?
- “Long Distance Call”
Bobby: You two fight like an old married couple!
Dean: No, when you’re married you get a divorce. Me an’ him, we’re like Siamese twins.
Sam: It’s conjoined twins!
Dean: See what I mean!?
- “Tall Tales” (Sam has many bratty moments in seasons one and two. This is one of them.)
“Stop, STOP! NOBODY KILL ANY VIRGINS!” - Dean, “Jus in Bello”
Dean: Hey, Ed, listen to me. There's some salt in my duffel. Make a circle and get inside.
Ed: ...........Inside your duffel bag?
Dean: In the salt, you idiot!
- “Ghostfacers!”
“Here we were, thinking we were teaching you, and all this time you were teaching us... about heart, about dedication, and… about how gay love can pierce through the veil of death and save the day.” - Ed, “Ghostfacers!”
“Rats are like the.....rats of the world.” - Harry, “Ghostfacers!”, which is kind of like what would happen if Supernatural and The Office had a baby.
Dean: [on getting hit by a car] Did it look cool, like in the movies? :D
Sam: *flatly* You peed yourself.
Dean: .......Of course I peed myself. Man gets hit by a car, you think he has full control over his bladder? Come on!
- “Mystery Spot”
Dean: *big serious angsty moment* I mean, the only one who can get me out of this is me.
Sam: And me.
Dean: .....Wow.
Sam: What?
Dean: “And me”? We’re having a moment here, and that’s the best you can come up with? “And me”?
Sam: ...Do you want a poem?
Dean: Nope, too late. Moment’s over. *switches on the TV and hands Sam a beer*
- “Long Distance Call” WOW they are really adorable.
The wise words of Yamashita-sensei
Yamashita-sensei: *telling us to write down what grade we expected in the course* You can write A, B, C, D, F, G, or hell.
Everyone: lolz
Anna: *points dramatically at me* QUOTE THAT.
“Ninjas can take a poo in under one minute!”
Yamashita-sensei: Santa Claus wa doko desu ka? [Where is Santa Claus?]
Us: Santa Claus wa asoko desu! [Santa Claus is far away!]
Yamashita-sensei: No, Santa Claus is in the toilet.
*giving us katakana words to practice* “Aisukuriimu. ...I scream, you scream, we all scream, ‘Katakana is very difficult!!’”
Will: Is that a ha-wa or a wa-wa?
Yamashita-sensei: Oh I love Wawa!
*teaching us how to do minutes, which a lot of people were finding frustrating* “You know what this is called? That’s right, ‘goddammit’ or ‘shit’. It’s okay, you can scream.”
“You may think you are flying, but actually, you are in Hell.”
“I know you are smart, I can taste your brain.” - or he might have said “test” your brain. I don’t know.
“It’s okay. You can mistake.”
*On the day we were supposed to take our midterms*
Yamashita-sensei: *very seriously* I was working last night when I saw a ghost. So I didn’t finish midterm.
Eddie: Are you serious? ......STOP LYING TO ME!
“You put your foot in the hole and fall down. Sometimes you die. *draws halo over his stick figure*” - illustrating his metaphor about how the class is like climbing up a flight of stairs with a bunch of holes in it.
Yamashita-sensei: *still talking about his metaphor.* And you may not even realize you are dead.
Anna: Haha! XD
Yamashita-sensei: This is not laugh.
Anna: Oh... :[
“I am very sad, see, I am crying because you aren’t doing well. We can cry together. And then we can yell, ‘Ursinus WHOAAAAH! Japanese class!!’”
“Every day is happy. I had a burrito last night. I was happy.”
“You can taste the border of death.” - on eating fugu
“Yonde goddammit!” - the phrase was supposed to be ‘yonde kudasai’.
“The only stupid thing is if you want to go bathroom, and you don’t.”
“Hiii honey, I love you.” - whenever somebody’s phone goes off in class
Yamashita-sensei: Konnichiwa. Angelina Jolie-san desu ka?
Classmate whose name I can’t remember: ....Iie...
Yamashita-sensei: Ah, sumimasen. You see? Just like that.
Part two of the quote archive is here.
Part one of the quote archive is here.
Quotes from real life
Me and my sister: *flipping through this weird Star Trek manga in Barnes and Noble*
My sister: WHAT IN THE NAME OF LEONARD NIMOY IS THIS.
Me: BLESSED SAINT LEONARD, SAVE US.
Me: What could Cloud buy for Tifa that would help business?
My sister: Breast enhancement?
Me: *explodes with lol*
“Today, my mom fell off a cliff and my planet blew up. FML.” - me and my sister, watching Star Trek XI
“I was trying to put my pajamas on, and Liz opened the door and started screaming for Ridge to come see, so then I was trying to put my pants on quick and I fell onto my bed, and I was flailing around with one leg in my pants, and then I fell on the floor!” - Katie
Liz: *trying out Emily’s stun gun on a random apple* MAYBE NEXT TIME, APPLE.
Katie: NO MEANS NO, APPLE.
Katie: And I will never go to class ever again, because I will be trapped in a net.
Liz: Multiple nets.
Dan: I’d be like, eight pounds!
Katie: AND NINETY POUNDS OF PENIS.
[Watching Mulan]
Shan-Yu: *picks up doll and sniffs it*
Liz: *screams* ME LIKE DOLLIE
“At least I didn’t assault you with a Russian cock.” - Liz
My mom: *squishes giant ant in toilet paper and flushes it down the toilet* DROWN IT WITH PEEEEEE.
Me and my sister: *dying of lol*
[Later on, we’re giggling about the above quote and explain it to my bewildered dad.]
My dad: Oh, I thought maybe you were talking about Hagrid.
Everyone: ..........
[Brandon had picked up a really disgusting-looking tuna melt sandwich at lunch.]
Brandon: Hey Anna, I’ll give you a dollar if you eat this.
Anna: Ew, what? No way! I don’t really like tuna, and I hate tomatoes!
Brandon: The correct answer was, “I don’t need a dollar that badly.”
Anna: Well, that too!
“My CIE professor won’t cancel class because he never cancels class, psych won’t be canceled because we’re starting a new unit, and Japanese won’t be canceled because my professor is Japanese and he doesn’t care about Jesus.” - me, on why I wouldn’t be fortunate enough to have any classes canceled on Good Friday
“Feel my guns! Feel my guns!” - Paloma
“This is exciting enough for a phone hat!” - Liz
Anna: *at the end of Japanese, when we were both really hungry* I’m going to go to lunch and eat everything! You don’t get any!
Me: Aww. :(
Anna: I’M GOING TO EAT ALL THE HOT DOGS.
Me: Yeah, I know how much you love eating hot dogs.
Anna: Yeah - heeeeey!
Anna: *grabs my shoulders* PHOENIX EATS EDGEWORTH’S HOT DOG.
Me: *dies of lol*
- This was a few minutes after the above quote.
*During a big sad part of the FMA movie*
Me: Aww, I hate this part...
Katie: I HATE THIS WHOLE MOVIE.
“Did you just say ‘homunguli’?! Is that like, humongous and something else put together?” - Katie, while Liz and I were watching the FMA movie. So, Liz attempted to explain what a homunculus is in an FMA context... so Katie asks, “Why don’t they just call them ‘halfies’? Or ‘fetii’?”
“Put on your Sunday foot!” - Liz, singing to the tune of “Put On Your Sunday Clothes”. ...we were watching the Fullmetal movie at the time.
“I don’t want to intercept a cock!” - me
“Geographic lesbians!” - Katie
Katie: There’s this video where it’s eight seconds of her trying to cram a cheese curl in my mouth!
Liz: She’s like those goats at the petting zoo. You’re trying to get the grain through the fence and they’re like elgljljlljlll! *sticks tongue out and wiggles it about*
Liz: Get some pictures of gay black men.... VOTING.
Katie: THIS IS THE CLOSEST I’VE EVER COME TO PEEING MY PANTS.
- making fun of Jake who hates black people. And gays. And women.
“Lucyyy! You cannot be in the show! Blegherihaghh Spanish things!” - Liz, summarizing ‘I Love Lucy’
“I got friend-requested by a dog. And a towel. And my aunt, which was really awkward.” - Nate
Liz: *squeals in terror and slams her laptop shut*
Me: What!?
Liz: I went to check this online Spanish dictionary, so it’s “Spanish dict.com”, right? ..... I didn’t type a “t”.
Me: ...o_o
Emily: *walks in* Liiiisa, will you rub my legs?
Me: ......o___O
Emily: *sits down at her desk* Ugh. Mehh. Argh. Gah. Ughhh!
Me: ...You okay over there?
Emily: Noooo!
Me: *while they’re playing this really old Destiny’s Child song at Late Night Lower* Wow, I think I had this song on, like, Now 6.
Paloma: *cracks up, spits soda everywhere*
Me: So Eemahlee wants Leesha to be a stripper now?
Emily: Eemahlee wants Leesha to be happy...so if you want to be a stripper, knock your socks off.
Paloma: Literally!
Me: ...wow.
“Liz, I have two words for you: ‘statutory’, and ‘rape’.” - Katie, when Liz was lusting over magazine pictures of Taylor Lautner, who’s like 16 I think XD
“Aww, you little weakling. *pokes my nose*” - Anna, to me
“I have a dead tooth. My tooth died.” - Jessie
Emily: Hey Jess, if Lisa and Liz were dating, who would be the guy?
Jessie: *immediately* Liz.
Me: I just found out there’s no House tonight. :[
Paloma: ....What?! Why!?
Me: Some dude named Obama is talking instead...
Paloma: D: Who does he think he is!?
Me: I know, infringing on our House time! *shuffles away* I’m just going to go console myself with episodes of Supernatural...
Me: *playing Twilight Princess* *directs Link to blow on some grass, which summons his horse*
Liz: *in her room* Someone’s calling Epona! *comes running into my room and gallops a circle around me* Neeeeiiighhhh!
Me: ......Thanks Liz.
“I would have sex with Mr. Spock, but I would not have sex with Leonard Nimoy.” - Anna
“Safe-search ‘porn’.” - Emily
Me: Why won’t Julian let us borrow V For Vendetta?
Emily: *frowns* ‘Cause he’s gay! [We love teasing Julian about the bromance between him and his roommate Dan]
Liz: *in obnoxious French accent* Ah like taking it up zhe butt!
Brian [Emily’s boyfriend]: ...Maybe I should ask for it, then.
Paloma: I gotta say goodbye to my buff-uff-uff! (Apparently that's how you pronounce “BFF” in Paloma-land)
Me: Wait, doesn’t that have an extra ‘f’? “Buff” is “BF”, right?
Paloma: Yep!
Me: So then it would be “BFFF”.
Paloma: Yeah, “best friends forever and ever”!
Me: Then shouldn’t it be “BFFE”?
Paloma: Maybe I pronounce my ‘e’s as ‘f’s!
Me: So what, it’s Fffmily now instead of Emily?
Mrs. B: *directing the Shakespeare Club rehearsal* Okay, now you all dance.
Kids: *just kinda dance around on stage, since there’s no music*
Girl sitting next to me who is not in the current scene: *quietly, under her breath* Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you go...
Me: *dies of hilarity and Rickroll*
“Oh haaaaaaaaaaaaay." - me, Liz, Emily, and Katie. Just, like, all day.
*The next few quotes are from when we watched Harry Potter movies all weekend on ABC Family*
Liz: Why is he [Harry] stopping!? Just GO!
Ali: He can’t help it. He’s just such a good person.
Me: ....You said that with a touch of irony in your voice, Ali. :D
“WHERE DID THEY POOP!? DID THEY LIKE TAKE TURNS POOPING OUT OF EACH OTHER’S MOUTHS!?” - Liz, on CatDog
Liz: *hits Voldemort in the forehead with her Nerf gun* YES RIGHT IN THE FOREHEAD. RUN HARRY, RUN. *pretends to be talking into a walkie-talkie* This is Pal to Pot, Pal to Pot, over!
“I’ve got some Chlorofornium with my Viagrialus! DATEUS RAPEUS!” - Liz
Liz: I don’t get it, how’d that work!?
Ali: It’s maaaAAAAaagic.
Katie: The last time she started asking questions about vampires... We talked about how Carlisle Cullen is the mayor of Narnia!
Me: And he ATE ASLAN.
“EXPECTOOOO PATROOOOONUUMMMaahh!” - me and Ali. Dan really over-enunciates that ‘m’ on the end there. XD
Liz: *talking about sex with Edward Cullen. No, really.* Why would you screw a statue!? There’s no give to that thing! It’d be like... f*****g the statue of David!
Me: Well yeah, but she [Bella] doesn’t really think of him as a statue-
Liz: YES SHE DOES. She’s always like “my statue god Adonis blaaaargh!”
Liz: Lisa, you have sweaters!
Me: .....o_O
“TAKE MY FIIIIIIIG!” - Liz, because I had this dream where Joaquin Phoenix gave Edward Cullen an poisoned Fig Newton.
“Suck my hooorn!” - Liz
"Did you just say Nakedsaurus!?" - Jessie
Me: I can’t find Julian [on Facebook].
Liz: Maybe he’s only on some weird French version of Facebook [Julian is French]. *in an obnoxious French accent* La FacebooOOOooooke!
“Don’t cry for me Lisatinaaaaa...” - Liz singing
Me: I’m gonna update my quotes.
Liz: Aghoihblalhouohalhh.
Me: And then tell people to go see the updated quotes.
Liz: Good...I need feedback on my life so I know if I’m doing it right, arghblahhoihagaheh.
“How do you spell ‘Argahblahhoiuoohblahhhgg’?” - Liz
“If I were a lioness, I would do Scar.” - Anna: destroying your childhood memories since 2008
“Dead lions aside...” - Emily
“Screw you and your Jewish chocolate.” - Emily
"PUT THAT IN YOUR BLOG AND POST IT, LISA. Leeesshhhaaa." - Liz, who is cuh-razeh and checks this post every day.
Me: Good luck with your PokéCenter, guys. *walks away*
Liz: Nurse Joy...where are you, Nurse Joyyy...
*It begins to pour, the rain making loud, disconcerting noises on all the windows.*
Liz: *from down the hall, in her room* WHAT THE F**K IS GOING ON OUTSIDE!?
(and then I went down to her room and discovered they were watching The Nightmare Before Christmas :D)
*Watching the end of The Nightmare Before Christmas*
Paloma: ...How would you kiss him [Jack]?
Me: I DON’T KNOW. I wonder that every time I watch this movie.
Katie: It’d be an awful lot of...teeth.
Liz: RRRGH GRAGH URGHH *teeth gnashing noises*
*Still watching the end of The Nightmare Before Christmas*
Me: Apparently, in the original poem or whatever, it says they [Jack and Sally] had babies. Somehow.
Paloma: ...........How does that work?
Katie: Yeah, skeletons don’t have penises.
Liz: BONER! Ha-HA!
(The best thing was that Liz was in the corner of the room behind her bed doing homework, so we’d just hear her voice yelling all these inappropriate things. XD)
“Definition by example. Thank you, Euthyphro.” - Máire, being adorable in CIE. Oh, Socrates, you and your dialogues.
Emily: *jokingly* Lisa and I are going out drinking.
Jessie: *from inside the closet* Noooo! Make good choices!
- ahaha I love my roommates.
*Watching Iron Man*
Me: What!? Now how does that even work!? You can’t wear a hologram!
Emily: Tony Stark can wear a hologram.
*Watching Fringe*
Weird bad guy: How old are you - 28, 29? You’re a young woman. I’m sure you want to settle down someday, have a family. I’d hate for anything to prevent that from happening. *walks away*
Me: ....That was weird.
Emily: Very weird.
Me: Did he just threaten her uterus?
*Watching Fringe*
Creepy evil-ish lady: Your father and I were...very close when we were much younger.
Me: Ew.
Emily: ‘Mom!?’
“You’re like an ant. Pheromones come out of your ass and guys just follow you in a big line.” - Liz, to Paloma
“Why don’t you have any manhood!? Or I guess ‘boyhood’ since you never grew up...” - Liz, looking at a coloring book page Peter Pan in which his tunic was extra short
“Why does Tarzan get huge man circles and Aladdin has no nipples at all!?” - Liz, on her Disney coloring book
“All the students were like, ‘Yeah, sure, it’s a great idea!’ and all the faculty were like, ‘I CAN’T HANDLE NOT HAVING A TRAY’.” - Jessie, on the survey responses to ‘Trayless Tuesdays’ in the dining hall
“Win a sex basket!” - subject line of an email I received from the school
Robyn: Are you guys watching The Little Mermaid?
Us: Yep!
Robyn: I’m so jealous. *heads down the hall* Part of your woooorrrrlllld....
“Aw, man, we better get married before we grow third eyes.” - Emily
Me: I’m dead, but at least I get to hang out with Heath [Ledger]!
Emily: Thank you, nuclear power plant!
- There’s a nuclear power plant not too far from us and on a clear day, we can see the steam clouds from campus. Emily and I got into a really bizarre, slightly morbid conversation about what would happen to us if it ever exploded or had a meltdown or whatever. XD
*Watching The Dark Knight*
Harvey Dent: If I were sneaking out every night, people would notice. *googly eyes at Rachel*
Me: Also, his chin would give it away.
Emily: Yeah, you can’t hide a butt-chin like that.
Harvey Dent: *flailing around in gasoline*
Jessie: Noo...his beautiful face...
Emily: Besides his butt-chin.
“At least his butt-chin is gone.” - Ali, on Two-Face
“Well...Miles was in Europe for a couple years, right? So he and Phoenix can be like, ‘BLARGH IMMIGRATION’.” - Anna, helping me with my CIE paper
Me: Oh, Emily, I forgot to mention - I bumped into Whitney last night, and she said you look like Sarah Palin.
Emily: ...........
“Hi, I’m Krishna. I walked into class today and everyone wondered why I was blue. They also wondered why I had multiple sets of arms.” - Anna
Paloma: *has been munching white chocolate-covered pretzels for the last 15 minutes or so* ...I feel sick.
Liz: *leans over and tries to snatch the bag away* STOP EATING THE F*****G PRETZELS.
“I’m just gonna stand here in the hall and swing my trash can around...” - Paloma
Mike: *dressed up as a pirate for Talk Like a Pirate Day* We be shoving off from the port side at 6:30 tomorrow!
Lauren: Aye-aye, sir.
Anna: What port side? There isn’t a body of water around here for miles.
Mike: ...The swimming pool [in the gym], of course!
“Got a prob-loma? Ask Paloma!” - what Liz wrote on Paloma’s whiteboard
Paloma: When I was born, the doctor said I had an old spirit.
Brian: Was the doctor a Native American?
Paloma: I don’t know, I wasn’t there!
Extremely drunk girl: What’s the next hurricane called?
Less drunk boyfriend: Ike.
Drunk girl: Huh, what’s his name?
Less drunk friend: Ike.
Drunk girl: Ike!? Like Dyke and Ike!?
Everyone in the group who is sober or at least relatively so: ............
Jessi: *talking about our movie list* And 10 Things I Hate About You, which stars my boyfriend. ...Well, dead boyfriend.
Us: *tear*
Me: *talking to my family about CIE readings* And next we’re reading Genesis.
My mom: Genesis as in...real Genesis? From the Bible?
Me: Yep.
My sister: You’re reading Genesis Rhapsoddyyyy?
Me: ....No, not him.
“YOU’RE THE ZACK TO MY CLOUD.” - Ashley, to me
Me: I GUESS I’M ALSO THE CLOUD TO YOUR ZACK.
Ashley: YOU SURE ARE, it’s interchangeable like that.
*During a rousing game of Taboo, which is that game where you have to describe something to your partner without using certain words.*
Ali: Uh, you do this when you feel bad...
Anna: Masturbate!?
“You press your mouths together under this during the winter months...” - a different Anna, describing ‘mistletoe’
Me: *describing ‘dream’* Most of the time these are really weird, and sometimes you don’t remember them in the morning...
Anna #2: Boys?
Everyone: *EXPLODES WITH LOL*
Weird times with Dan and Julian
“You know those shirts that say ‘gay? Fine by me’? My shirt would say, ‘Straight? Me too. That’s cool.” - Dan
“They should make a skinny suit for fat actors.” - Dan
“Why didn’t the cute leader man say what he likes in a girl?” - Dan, watching Mulan
“I wish that I had jizzed in my ex-girlfriend's face. Every girl needs a little hatin’ with the lovin’.” - Julian
“Them girlies is lookin’.” - Julian
“There’s nothing a good dick-slapping wouldn’t fix.” - Julian
“Fine, Dan! You get your roast beef NONSENSE!” - Julian
Liz: *referring to Burt Reynolds, her large plastic penis she got from the anatomy lab* What do these numbers mean? Dan, how well do you know your penis?
Dan: THAT IS NOT MY PENIS.
Julian: When you’re sitting out on the porch on a hot day, what beverage do you want brought out to you? And don’t say iced tea, ‘cause that’s gay.
Dan: *peeking around the doorway* Lemonade.
- They were trying to persuade us to come downstairs and partake in some Mike’s Hard Lemonade
Good times on Supernatural
Dean: What is this, “The Suite Life of Zach and Cas”?
Zachariah and Castiel: ...........
Dean: .....It’s a....show....
- “Lucifer Rising”
“Well, BOO-HOO! I’m sorry your feelings got hurt, PRINCESS! - Bobby to Dean, “Lucifer Rising”. Moments like these are why Bobby needs to remain on Supernatural forever and ever and never get killed off.
Sam: ...It’s Ghost Sickness.
Dean: Ghost Sickness?
Sam: Yeah.
Dean: God, no.
Sam: Yeah. :/
Dean: ......I don’t even know what that is.
- “Yellow Fever”
Dean: I’ve been re-hymenated! :D
Sam: Re...*gives up and just stares*
- “Monster Movie”
Dean: I mean, if you were a 600-year-old hag who could pick any costume, wouldn’t you come back as a hot young cheerleader?
Sam: .....*half-shrug*
Dean: I would. ....Mmm...
Sam and Dean: *long awkward silence*
- “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Sam Winchester” WHICH WAS SUCH A GOOD EPISODE OMG
Sam: All this time, we’ve been ignoring the biggest clue - you!
Dean: I dun wanna be a clue. :[
- “Yellow Fever”, in which Dean contracts “Ghost Sickness” which makes him get more and more scared of absolutely everything, with hilarious results. :3
Dean: I’m Batman! :D
Sam: ......You’re Batman...?
- “Bad Day at Black Rock”
“.......I lost my shoe. :[ ” - Sam, “Bad Day at Black Rock”
“Are you allergic to straight answers!?” - Dean, yelling after Castiel, “In the Beginning”
Sam: *locked in a closet, comes to after being knocked out...yet again* DEAN!?
Big monster guy who eats people: *covered in blood* DEAN CAN’T COME TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW!!
Sam: !!!??!?!?
- “Metamorphosis” idk it made me giggle.
“Sammy, wherever you are, Mom’s a babe! ....... I’m going to Hell. ...Again.” - Dean, “In the Beginning”
“Of course I wanna hunt some zombies!” - Dean, “Time Is on My Side”
“So it’s a zombie with skills. ‘Dr. Quinn, Medicine Zombie’!” - Dean, “Time Is on My Side”, which was actually a really scary episode, um immortal stitched-up doctor man trying to scoop Sam’s eye out with like a melon baller, DO NOT WANT.
Sam: It’s not Dad.
Dean: Then what is it?
Sam: A crocotta.
Dean: What’s that, a sandwich?
- “Long Distance Call”
Bobby: You two fight like an old married couple!
Dean: No, when you’re married you get a divorce. Me an’ him, we’re like Siamese twins.
Sam: It’s conjoined twins!
Dean: See what I mean!?
- “Tall Tales” (Sam has many bratty moments in seasons one and two. This is one of them.)
“Stop, STOP! NOBODY KILL ANY VIRGINS!” - Dean, “Jus in Bello”
Dean: Hey, Ed, listen to me. There's some salt in my duffel. Make a circle and get inside.
Ed: ...........Inside your duffel bag?
Dean: In the salt, you idiot!
- “Ghostfacers!”
“Here we were, thinking we were teaching you, and all this time you were teaching us... about heart, about dedication, and… about how gay love can pierce through the veil of death and save the day.” - Ed, “Ghostfacers!”
“Rats are like the.....rats of the world.” - Harry, “Ghostfacers!”, which is kind of like what would happen if Supernatural and The Office had a baby.
Dean: [on getting hit by a car] Did it look cool, like in the movies? :D
Sam: *flatly* You peed yourself.
Dean: .......Of course I peed myself. Man gets hit by a car, you think he has full control over his bladder? Come on!
- “Mystery Spot”
Dean: *big serious angsty moment* I mean, the only one who can get me out of this is me.
Sam: And me.
Dean: .....Wow.
Sam: What?
Dean: “And me”? We’re having a moment here, and that’s the best you can come up with? “And me”?
Sam: ...Do you want a poem?
Dean: Nope, too late. Moment’s over. *switches on the TV and hands Sam a beer*
- “Long Distance Call” WOW they are really adorable.
The wise words of Yamashita-sensei
Yamashita-sensei: *telling us to write down what grade we expected in the course* You can write A, B, C, D, F, G, or hell.
Everyone: lolz
Anna: *points dramatically at me* QUOTE THAT.
“Ninjas can take a poo in under one minute!”
Yamashita-sensei: Santa Claus wa doko desu ka? [Where is Santa Claus?]
Us: Santa Claus wa asoko desu! [Santa Claus is far away!]
Yamashita-sensei: No, Santa Claus is in the toilet.
*giving us katakana words to practice* “Aisukuriimu. ...I scream, you scream, we all scream, ‘Katakana is very difficult!!’”
Will: Is that a ha-wa or a wa-wa?
Yamashita-sensei: Oh I love Wawa!
*teaching us how to do minutes, which a lot of people were finding frustrating* “You know what this is called? That’s right, ‘goddammit’ or ‘shit’. It’s okay, you can scream.”
“You may think you are flying, but actually, you are in Hell.”
“I know you are smart, I can taste your brain.” - or he might have said “test” your brain. I don’t know.
“It’s okay. You can mistake.”
*On the day we were supposed to take our midterms*
Yamashita-sensei: *very seriously* I was working last night when I saw a ghost. So I didn’t finish midterm.
Eddie: Are you serious? ......STOP LYING TO ME!
“You put your foot in the hole and fall down. Sometimes you die. *draws halo over his stick figure*” - illustrating his metaphor about how the class is like climbing up a flight of stairs with a bunch of holes in it.
Yamashita-sensei: *still talking about his metaphor.* And you may not even realize you are dead.
Anna: Haha! XD
Yamashita-sensei: This is not laugh.
Anna: Oh... :[
“I am very sad, see, I am crying because you aren’t doing well. We can cry together. And then we can yell, ‘Ursinus WHOAAAAH! Japanese class!!’”
“Every day is happy. I had a burrito last night. I was happy.”
“You can taste the border of death.” - on eating fugu
“Yonde goddammit!” - the phrase was supposed to be ‘yonde kudasai’.
“The only stupid thing is if you want to go bathroom, and you don’t.”
“Hiii honey, I love you.” - whenever somebody’s phone goes off in class
Yamashita-sensei: Konnichiwa. Angelina Jolie-san desu ka?
Classmate whose name I can’t remember: ....Iie...
Yamashita-sensei: Ah, sumimasen. You see? Just like that.