FIC: First/Second (MSR, NC-17, WARNINGS)

[amalnahurriyeh]

Title: First/Second
Author: Amal Nahurriyeh (amalnahurriyeh)
Summary: First times are usually a disaster.
Pairing: MSR
Rating: NC-17 (sex, mental trauma, angst)
Warnings: This is potentially the most triggery thing I've written; please do check out the warnings if you need to know this sort of thing, or PM me or comment if you need more details. ( skip) This is

Comments

[leucocrystal]

Oof, I love this. (Of course, I always love your stories, so why wouldn't I?) As usual, you also manage to take a concept that I imagine I probably wouldn't enjoy (or even want to read to begin with) usually, and make it not only readable, but something I can and do love. How do you always do that

[amalnahurriyeh]

Thanks for the edits--I have a terrible tendency to switch tense mid-paragraph, or even mid-sentence, which means my shit's terrible to beta.

I think Scully would absolutely be the type to reassure herself that nothing is actually wrong when shit is actually really, really wrong. She very much needs to keep going in the face of whatever, and "I'm fine" works perfectly well as a mantra for that.

Thanks, dear!

[amalnahurriyeh]

That icon makes me laugh every time.

It's true, there's a real intimacy to the way he speaks to her at the littlest moments. Our fandom has suck a kink for names, it's unreal. ;)

Thanks! Hope the glasses are calming down...

[sangria_lila]

The thing I love most about this (since it's redundant to keep saying I love your stuff) is the ending. Pure poetry, dude. I also love how you, more than any other writer, can navigate between the extremes of their relationship. The first part just makes you enjoy the tender moments more.

[amalnahurriyeh]

What amuses me greatly about the ending is that it was a sticking point for me for FOR-EV-ER--the main reason it didn't get posted for so long. Originally I wanted to write the whole sex scene at the end, but I just couldn't...and apparently this cop-out thing at the end really works. So, go me?

Thanks!

[dashakay]

Yeah, so I don't really read XF fic anymore. You know that. But I had to read this because, hello, it's you and you're brilliant, but you know that, too, right?

Anyhow, enough about your awesomeness. Let's get to the part where I tell you how awesome you are.

This was nothing short of genius. It hit me over the head with visceral force. Your words are that powerful.

But the skin of his back under her palms as she slides her fingertips up the protrusions of his vertebrae, that is familiar. And the burn of his teeth in her neck, yes, she remembers that. And the way he says her name--but that was always the same, wasn't it. He's been saying it that way for years.

Truly wonderful closing words. Just so fitting and them.

[amalnahurriyeh]

Thank you, sweetie! I really appreciate it. And I'm glad the last paragraph works, especially since I wasn't very sure of it when I first wrote it...

[amyhit]

oh, i like this one. a lot. it's got so much going for it - so many subtle shifts of tone and focus and balance, yet it all hangs together. and i completely believe that if they'd had sex at this point it would have gone this way. it would have been difficult, wrenching, gutteral somehow - but also moving and tender underneath it all - which this fic is.

you manage to make me believe that if they'd had sex at this point it might not have been to the ruin of their partnership in the long run. maybe they would've been able to pull themselves together, love each other through the complication of sex. i don't usually buy that. but the way you've written it makes me withhold judgment, and think, maybei particularly love the first of the two sections (oh, for more of this believable angst you've got here). it wasn't as dicey as i'd thought it might be, but i can see where your concern comes from, and i suppose that's the thing, isn't it? you can push the boundaries pretty hard if you do a good job - but if the piece doesn't work then it's

[amalnahurriyeh]

I am firmly in the fifth-season-shipping camp--that's where the emotional stakes were just right. Have you read Seisdeadh? I think the way it's handled in there is *exactly* how it should have gone in canon. (OK, minus the Scully torture abduction thing. And the kink probably should stay off camera. Probably.)

Frankly, I'd save the designation PWP for happy-cheerful-smut-biscuit things--and I don't really write it, with the noteable exception of during the Porn Battle. I write a lot of "storytelling via fucking," thought. :)

I think love often means you hurt more. Maybe that's just me.

Thank you so much--your comments always mean a lot to me.

[amyhit]

i haven't read seisdeadh. i've never even heard of it, which has me kind of intrigued. my goodness it's long, though. i'll definitely give it a try. i am, myself, a diehard "mid-late S7 was the right time" person. oddly, i'd never quite thought of it before, but i think it helps me understand the way i feel about your fanfic if i think of it in the context that you're a fifth-season-shipper.

I think love often means you hurt more. Maybe that's just me.

as i see it, it's the profound disonance between love and other things that can sometimes make love itself seem painful. it's getting pulled in such different directions. for normal people, on normal days it's like, "my boss yelled at me and i feel like a failuer, plus i love you." for some people it's, "people are starving and being abused and subjugated world wide, plus i love you." what makes mulder and scully exceptional, to me, is that the love is directly connected to the hurt. if they didn't love each other they would have so many less reasons to hurt. the feedback loop