LJI 11 Week 2: Stay

[alycewilson]

This is my entry for Week 2 of LJ Idol, Season 11 (http://www.therealljidol.com. This week's topic is "Living rent-free in your head."Cradling his too-small body in my arms, I suspected something wrong about this tactile memory. Like a real-life flashback, I held his still form, stroked his oversized alien head. Only a moment before, I had been in a doctor's office, learning

Comments

[bleodswean]

*hugs* I know this, I know this. I love how you see yourself in your mother. *hugs*

[alycewilson]

I hate that you have to know what this feels like, too. I'm reminded of how my mom changed after my Nana died, and how I couldn't understand it at the time. (And how Nana csme to me in dreams until I stopped running away from her, telling me to tell Mom she was OK).

[bleodswean]

*cries* It's such a strange thing, isn't it? And I find it very similar to the life-altering experience of childbirth....the way your entire life has Shifted and yet no one can actually perceive that Shift, it's all Tectonic. I think it was Jenny Holzer who said that hospitals should have giant light-up billboards on the roof that announce births and deaths.

It brings Meaning. I'm trying to find the Gift.

I so relate to your Dreams. And I've found myself writing more with dream imagery...thinking more about that sub/unconscious life....

[alycewilson]

Yes, yes, yes! This is exactly how I feel. And you're right, it's like having a child changes you. I'm not the same person I was, but I would never give him up. I never knew this kind of love before, just like I've never known the type of sadness that's clung to me since losing my mom.

Have you seen "A Quiet Passion" about Emily Dickinson? Watching that movie made me realize how much her poetry was probably influenced by her own experiences with grief, which should have been obvious to me, but wasn't until now.

[millysdaughter]

**hugs**
I need to talk to my mommy

[alycewilson]

Yes! As often as you can.

[millysdaughter]

Five long years...

[sweeny_todd]

so much sadness. And lot of love too. *hugs*

[alycewilson]

Thank you. Much appreciated.

[adoptedwriter]

I still have The Mothership, but I know this with my dad, aunt and 2 grandmas. Hugs...I also had a "James", and MermaidFan would not be here probably had it not happened. Hugs Very relatable. What a great pic of your mom too. I see the resemblance!

[alycewilson]

The funny thing about the resemblance is that my whole life, people told me I looked more like my Dad. And I really see the resemblance to him, especially in my nose. But after Mom died, I befriended some of her high school friends after finding them in her address book. One of them, who friended me on Facebook, said she couldn't see a picture of me without seeing her friend. So now I'm much more aware of the resemblance than before.

I didn't know about the fact that you'd once lost a baby. While my mom didn't spend a lot of time dwelling on it, she clearly thought about it enough to tell me about him. It had been her first pregnancy, and so many dreams and hopes had been caught up in it. I can understand how, brief as it was, she wanted me to know how much it had meant. When she talked about him, though, it was almost as if he had sacrificed himself for me. She was so happy to have me that it made the pain less.

[adoptedwriter]

Yep...and his would-be name was/is "James". I was only like 7 weeks along, so don't know that it was a boy, but my gut says boy. My daughter has felt your feelings too. Actually both my girls have.

[alycewilson]

Exactly the same! She said she dreamt he was a boy, and she named him. James is a name that ran in both families.

[favoritebean]

I am so sorry. This vignette is so personal and touching. *hugs*

[alycewilson]

Thank you. It was the first thing that came to mind with this topic, so it must have been something I needed to write.