Think Balance, a White Collar fanfiction
Title: Think Balance
Rating: G
Characters: Peter, El, Neal, Mozzie
Genre: Gen
Spoilers: 3x04 Dentist of Detroit
Word Count: ~1520
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to Jeff Eastin and USA Network.
Summary: The giant Rai stone wasn’t the first present the Burkes got from Mozzie. (Set between 3x04 Dentist of Detroit and 4x08 Ancient History.)
Author’s Note: I thought about joining the 2013 Hurt/Comfort Advent at whitecollarhc, but since I suck at writing H/C stories, I decided to go for another humor fic instead to celebrate the holidays. I hope you like it! :D
“Hon, what’s this?” Peter said as he eyed the large package sitting on the coffee table in their living room. He was sure it wasn’t there when he had left home for work that morning.
“Hm?” Elizabeth looked up from the potato salad she was making. “Oh, that’s a gift for you from Mozzie, I think. Just found it on our doorstep.”
“A gift? Why’s Mozzie giving me a gift?”
“I don’t know, maybe to thank you for helping his old headmaster from the group home in Detroit?” El suggested. “I saw a letter attached to it.”
There was indeed an envelope addressed to “Suit” affixed to the side of the package. Peter opened it and found a white card with something typewritten on.
“Put this in the southeast corner on the second floor of your house overnight,” With a dubious frown, Peter read out the instructions. “Avoid direct sunlight. Do not open it until eight o’clock sharp in the evening the next day.” Peter looked up at El, who had put down the salad bowl and joined him in the living room. “This is ridiculous. I’m opening it right now,” he said.
“No, Peter, don’t ruin the surprise!”
Peter stifled a groan. “El, you know I don’t like surprises.” Actually, he hated surprises. Sure, he liked chasing unknowns and solving puzzles. But those were things that could be deduced from logical reasoning. A surprise from Mozzie, on the other hand, was a wild guess that followed none of the normal rules. Mozzie's mindset was even harder than Neal’s to predict, so it would be impossible to guess the content of the parcel.
Which meant he had to confront the culprit.
"Can you call Mozzie for me?” Peter asked El.
“I already tried. He wouldn’t answer his phone.”
So much for confronting the culprit. “Then I’m throwing it away.”
“No!" This time El stopped him with both hands on his arm. "Aren’t you a little curious what Mozzie has got for you?”
“Honestly? I’m more afraid than curious.”
El chuckled. “Give him a chance. Maybe you’ll like it, who knows?”
Peter sighed. “All right, all right.” he said, meekly. He was never good at saying no to his wife. “I’ll wait.”
Still, Peter refused to just sit there and do nothing. Interrogating the mastermind might not be a viable option, but there was a possible accomplice he could examine.
------
“I have no idea what that is,” Neal said with an honest expression when Peter asked him about the parcel at the office the next day.
Yet, Peter wasn’t entirely convinced. “Did Mozzie tell you to say that?”
“No,” Neal answered defensively. “Believe it or not, he doesn’t tell me everything.”
Again, Peter failed to detect any signs that suggested Neal could be hiding something. He sighed. “Can you get to him? I know he goes to your place to consume your wine collection a lot.”
“As much as I’d love to help you solve the mystery, I haven’t seen him for a few days.” Neal paused for a while, then recalled, “Last time I saw him, he mentioned an out-of-town job and said he’d be unreachable.”
Another dead end.
“Why not just open it?” Neal suggested.
“I was going to, but there’s a card giving specific instructions not to open it until eight tonight-”
“And Elizabeth thinks it’s fun and wants to play along,” Neal finished for him.
“Yes,” Peter said in defeat. He could never understand why El liked to indulge the crazy little man so much.
“So...what’s it like?”
“About two feet wide by one foot high. Quite heavy. No smell. And no sound either when I shock it.” In fact, it looked like a normal package you saw every day, but Peter wouldn't be deceived by that-after all, it was from the most abnormal friend he had ever had. “He even stated to put it in the southeast corner of my house, which happens to be my bathroom.”
Neal chuckled. “Now you’ve got me intrigued.”
Peter gave him a look.
Neal held up his hands in mock surrender. “Well, at this point there is nothing you can do but wait. You’ll find out what’s inside soon anyway.”
“I know, but it's been bugging all night. I wanna prepare myself for… whatever it is,” Peter said, feeling a little desperate.
“I wouldn’t worry too much. Mozzie's gifts might be unusual and unpredictable, but they are harmless…”
Peter raised his brows skeptically.
“...usually,” Neal added.
“Usually?”
------
That night after work, Neal had come along to witness the grand revelation, so Peter decided to believe Neal wasn't lying about not knowing what the mysterious package was. However, he didn’t share Peter’s worry; he was apparently more curious than anxious, like El.
“Why do I feel like I'm opening the Pandora’s Box?” Peter said as he carefully tore off several layers of wrapping paper. Neal and El just exchanged a slightly amused look with each other.
What the torn wrapping revealed was an old wooden box with a tightly sealed lid. They spent five minutes finding a crowbar, and another five minutes removing more than a dozen nails before they were finally able to get it open. Peter, already mentally prepared himself for something to explode or jump out of the box, was relieved to find an immobile object lying inside: an ancient bronze statue. However, after a closer look, he decided the statue didn't look normal at all; it was a scary-looking creature with a turtle body and a dragonlike head.
Before any one of them could manage to make a comment, Mozzie walked through the front door into the living room, as if he had just returned from a stroll nearby.
“Ahh, right on time,” Mozzie said leisurely. “I see you have followed my guidance.”
“Do you not know how to knock?” Peter said, before either El or Neal could respond.
“What? I assumed you’d be expecting me.”
“We weren’t,” Peter snapped, mildly annoyed. “Care to explain what the hell this is?” He gestured at the box with a hand and put the other on his hip.
“A dragon turtle statue, clearly.”
“Let me rephrase: what the hell is this thing doing here?”
“Well, it’s a Feng Shui ornament that symbolizes longevity, power and success. Do you know there is a negative Qi field in your house that conflicts to the Qi of the Earth? This statue will help eliminate the unbalanced energy.”
“Moz,” Neal cut in. “I didn't know you were into Feng Shui.”
“Oh, it's my latest hobby. I recently made friends with a Feng Shui master,” Mozzie replied joyfully. “He helped me procure this antique from an abandoned temple in a burned-down village in China.”
“That sounds ominous,” El finally chimed in, grimacing. “But why kept it overnight?”
“Well, you have to give it time to familiarize itself with the surrounding and absorb the Qi of your house,” Mozzie explained not patiently, as if the reason was obvious.
“And the southeast corner?” Peter wasn't very patient either.
“I looked that up: it was supposed to be the purest and most spiritual location.”
“The purest spot in my house is the toilet seat?” Peter countered.
Mozzie simply held up a finger.
“What?”
“Don’t question the expert.” Mozzie shook his head. “Now, just put this in the southeast corner of the ground floor, which should be somewhere in the kitchen…”
“Nope. Not a chance," Peter objected decisively, crossing his arms over his chest. "You’re not putting this hideous thing in my kitchen.”
“Suit, let me remind you that an unbalanced Qi field could bring misfortune to the inhabitants…”
Before Peter could open his mouth, El interrupted, “You know what? It’s actually kinda cute when you look closer.”
“Good taste, Mrs. Suit!” Mozzie said in an approving tone, then took the statue and disappeared into the kitchen.
“Wha-El, why are you indulging him?” Peter asked in disbelief.
“He meant well.” El gave Peter a brief kiss on the cheek before going after Mozzie.
Peter pinched the bridge of his nose. “Great, now he made my wife his ally.” He turned to Neal, expecting to see a troubled expression matching his, instead he saw an entertained smile playing on his friend’s lips.
“Neal...” Peter warned.
“What? I didn’t do anything.”
“That’s the problem! Why didn’t you say something to back me up?”
“Sorry, I just found the whole situation too fascinating.” Neal said, with growing amusement.
Peter shook his head in frustration. “Look what you’ve brought into my life.”
“Oh no,” Mozzie's voice came from the kitchen. “You shouldn't place the oven here. The dishwasher too. I heard it's bad for financial prosperity and domestic harmony. You have to think balance, Mrs Suit! Here, let me rearrange them for you.”
Peter could only roll his eyes.
THE END
Rating: G
Characters: Peter, El, Neal, Mozzie
Genre: Gen
Spoilers: 3x04 Dentist of Detroit
Word Count: ~1520
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters belong to Jeff Eastin and USA Network.
Summary: The giant Rai stone wasn’t the first present the Burkes got from Mozzie. (Set between 3x04 Dentist of Detroit and 4x08 Ancient History.)
Author’s Note: I thought about joining the 2013 Hurt/Comfort Advent at whitecollarhc, but since I suck at writing H/C stories, I decided to go for another humor fic instead to celebrate the holidays. I hope you like it! :D
“Hon, what’s this?” Peter said as he eyed the large package sitting on the coffee table in their living room. He was sure it wasn’t there when he had left home for work that morning.
“Hm?” Elizabeth looked up from the potato salad she was making. “Oh, that’s a gift for you from Mozzie, I think. Just found it on our doorstep.”
“A gift? Why’s Mozzie giving me a gift?”
“I don’t know, maybe to thank you for helping his old headmaster from the group home in Detroit?” El suggested. “I saw a letter attached to it.”
There was indeed an envelope addressed to “Suit” affixed to the side of the package. Peter opened it and found a white card with something typewritten on.
“Put this in the southeast corner on the second floor of your house overnight,” With a dubious frown, Peter read out the instructions. “Avoid direct sunlight. Do not open it until eight o’clock sharp in the evening the next day.” Peter looked up at El, who had put down the salad bowl and joined him in the living room. “This is ridiculous. I’m opening it right now,” he said.
“No, Peter, don’t ruin the surprise!”
Peter stifled a groan. “El, you know I don’t like surprises.” Actually, he hated surprises. Sure, he liked chasing unknowns and solving puzzles. But those were things that could be deduced from logical reasoning. A surprise from Mozzie, on the other hand, was a wild guess that followed none of the normal rules. Mozzie's mindset was even harder than Neal’s to predict, so it would be impossible to guess the content of the parcel.
Which meant he had to confront the culprit.
"Can you call Mozzie for me?” Peter asked El.
“I already tried. He wouldn’t answer his phone.”
So much for confronting the culprit. “Then I’m throwing it away.”
“No!" This time El stopped him with both hands on his arm. "Aren’t you a little curious what Mozzie has got for you?”
“Honestly? I’m more afraid than curious.”
El chuckled. “Give him a chance. Maybe you’ll like it, who knows?”
Peter sighed. “All right, all right.” he said, meekly. He was never good at saying no to his wife. “I’ll wait.”
Still, Peter refused to just sit there and do nothing. Interrogating the mastermind might not be a viable option, but there was a possible accomplice he could examine.
------
“I have no idea what that is,” Neal said with an honest expression when Peter asked him about the parcel at the office the next day.
Yet, Peter wasn’t entirely convinced. “Did Mozzie tell you to say that?”
“No,” Neal answered defensively. “Believe it or not, he doesn’t tell me everything.”
Again, Peter failed to detect any signs that suggested Neal could be hiding something. He sighed. “Can you get to him? I know he goes to your place to consume your wine collection a lot.”
“As much as I’d love to help you solve the mystery, I haven’t seen him for a few days.” Neal paused for a while, then recalled, “Last time I saw him, he mentioned an out-of-town job and said he’d be unreachable.”
Another dead end.
“Why not just open it?” Neal suggested.
“I was going to, but there’s a card giving specific instructions not to open it until eight tonight-”
“And Elizabeth thinks it’s fun and wants to play along,” Neal finished for him.
“Yes,” Peter said in defeat. He could never understand why El liked to indulge the crazy little man so much.
“So...what’s it like?”
“About two feet wide by one foot high. Quite heavy. No smell. And no sound either when I shock it.” In fact, it looked like a normal package you saw every day, but Peter wouldn't be deceived by that-after all, it was from the most abnormal friend he had ever had. “He even stated to put it in the southeast corner of my house, which happens to be my bathroom.”
Neal chuckled. “Now you’ve got me intrigued.”
Peter gave him a look.
Neal held up his hands in mock surrender. “Well, at this point there is nothing you can do but wait. You’ll find out what’s inside soon anyway.”
“I know, but it's been bugging all night. I wanna prepare myself for… whatever it is,” Peter said, feeling a little desperate.
“I wouldn’t worry too much. Mozzie's gifts might be unusual and unpredictable, but they are harmless…”
Peter raised his brows skeptically.
“...usually,” Neal added.
“Usually?”
------
That night after work, Neal had come along to witness the grand revelation, so Peter decided to believe Neal wasn't lying about not knowing what the mysterious package was. However, he didn’t share Peter’s worry; he was apparently more curious than anxious, like El.
“Why do I feel like I'm opening the Pandora’s Box?” Peter said as he carefully tore off several layers of wrapping paper. Neal and El just exchanged a slightly amused look with each other.
What the torn wrapping revealed was an old wooden box with a tightly sealed lid. They spent five minutes finding a crowbar, and another five minutes removing more than a dozen nails before they were finally able to get it open. Peter, already mentally prepared himself for something to explode or jump out of the box, was relieved to find an immobile object lying inside: an ancient bronze statue. However, after a closer look, he decided the statue didn't look normal at all; it was a scary-looking creature with a turtle body and a dragonlike head.
Before any one of them could manage to make a comment, Mozzie walked through the front door into the living room, as if he had just returned from a stroll nearby.
“Ahh, right on time,” Mozzie said leisurely. “I see you have followed my guidance.”
“Do you not know how to knock?” Peter said, before either El or Neal could respond.
“What? I assumed you’d be expecting me.”
“We weren’t,” Peter snapped, mildly annoyed. “Care to explain what the hell this is?” He gestured at the box with a hand and put the other on his hip.
“A dragon turtle statue, clearly.”
“Let me rephrase: what the hell is this thing doing here?”
“Well, it’s a Feng Shui ornament that symbolizes longevity, power and success. Do you know there is a negative Qi field in your house that conflicts to the Qi of the Earth? This statue will help eliminate the unbalanced energy.”
“Moz,” Neal cut in. “I didn't know you were into Feng Shui.”
“Oh, it's my latest hobby. I recently made friends with a Feng Shui master,” Mozzie replied joyfully. “He helped me procure this antique from an abandoned temple in a burned-down village in China.”
“That sounds ominous,” El finally chimed in, grimacing. “But why kept it overnight?”
“Well, you have to give it time to familiarize itself with the surrounding and absorb the Qi of your house,” Mozzie explained not patiently, as if the reason was obvious.
“And the southeast corner?” Peter wasn't very patient either.
“I looked that up: it was supposed to be the purest and most spiritual location.”
“The purest spot in my house is the toilet seat?” Peter countered.
Mozzie simply held up a finger.
“What?”
“Don’t question the expert.” Mozzie shook his head. “Now, just put this in the southeast corner of the ground floor, which should be somewhere in the kitchen…”
“Nope. Not a chance," Peter objected decisively, crossing his arms over his chest. "You’re not putting this hideous thing in my kitchen.”
“Suit, let me remind you that an unbalanced Qi field could bring misfortune to the inhabitants…”
Before Peter could open his mouth, El interrupted, “You know what? It’s actually kinda cute when you look closer.”
“Good taste, Mrs. Suit!” Mozzie said in an approving tone, then took the statue and disappeared into the kitchen.
“Wha-El, why are you indulging him?” Peter asked in disbelief.
“He meant well.” El gave Peter a brief kiss on the cheek before going after Mozzie.
Peter pinched the bridge of his nose. “Great, now he made my wife his ally.” He turned to Neal, expecting to see a troubled expression matching his, instead he saw an entertained smile playing on his friend’s lips.
“Neal...” Peter warned.
“What? I didn’t do anything.”
“That’s the problem! Why didn’t you say something to back me up?”
“Sorry, I just found the whole situation too fascinating.” Neal said, with growing amusement.
Peter shook his head in frustration. “Look what you’ve brought into my life.”
“Oh no,” Mozzie's voice came from the kitchen. “You shouldn't place the oven here. The dishwasher too. I heard it's bad for financial prosperity and domestic harmony. You have to think balance, Mrs Suit! Here, let me rearrange them for you.”
Peter could only roll his eyes.
THE END