[Legend of the Seeker] The Cat Conundrum (or That Time Richard Got Turned into a Kitten)
When I got my au_bingo card, I was all, Alternate History: Personal life of a character changed, what's that supposed to mean? Someone marrying someone inappropriate or having a different parent or, like, Richard being a kitten, LOL?
This is how bad ideas start. Bad AU crack ideas.
Title: The Cat Conundrum (or That Time Richard Got Turned into a Kitten)
Author: hibernate
Pairing/characters: Kahlan/Cara, Kahlan/Richard, Zedd
Rating: PG / all ages
Wordcount: ~1400 words
Summary: In which Richard is turned into a kitten by Powerful Kitten Magic. (These things happen.)
Also archived on AO3.
"Where's Richard?" Kahlan asked when Cara walked back into the camp alone.
Cara swung her backpack to her front. "Lord Rahl," she said drily, pulling a bundle of brown fur out of the backpack, "had an accident."
It took a moment before Kahlan could identify the squirming ball of fuzz in Cara's hand. When she did, her jaw went slack with surprise. "You got Richard turned into a kitten?!"
Cara lifted the kitten higher, dangling it by the scruff of its neck, the look on her face one that Kahlan could only describe as amused. "Oh no," Cara said. "He managed that all on his own."
Kahlan rushed forward to scoop Richard up, away from Cara's less than tender grip. "Richard," she said and cradled him against herself.
Richard purred contently and stretched his fuzzy paws out across the bare skin of her chest.
"He hasn't changed much," Cara said.
*
Unfortunately, Zedd wasn't particularly helpful.
"I have heard of this before. It's an incredibly powerful spell," he said, hands hovering a few inches over Richard's brown fur. "I can't undo it."
Cara rolled her eyes, and Kahlan really didn't want to be impolite, but sometimes it seemed like Zedd's magic conveniently never worked when they needed it the most. She stroked Richard's furry head absently as he continued to purr against her skin. Tears threatened to spill from her eyes, and she swallowed hard.
"Look at it this way," Cara said. "If Richard isn't insisting we stop in every village to help people and pet sheep, we're bound to find the Stone of Tears quicker."
Cara proceeded to be inappropriately amused by the situation all day.
Kahlan clutched Richard tighter to her chest and finally snapped, "It's not funny, Cara. What if we never get him back?"
Cara raised an eyebrow. "He looks very content with his predicament."
He did do that. He was purring constantly when Kahlan held him, alternating between sleeping with his pink nose pressed against the slope between her breasts, and playing with her hair with his furry kitten paws.
Cara's good mood lasted until nightfall.
"Lord Rahl," Cara said, eyes narrowing as they fell on Richard, who was curled up on her bedroll, purring loudly. "You are meant to sleep over there." She nodded pointedly toward the other end of the camp, where Zedd had placed a blanket for him.
"Cara," Kahlan said, voice soft. "He's just a kitten right now. He doesn't want to sleep alone."
"He's going to leave hairs on my bedroll," Cara said.
Kahlan sighed. "Truly a fate worse than death." She lifted up Richard and placed a kiss on one of his wildly furry ears, making him purr even louder in delight.
Cara lay down, but when Kahlan, with Richard still in her arms, sat down on her own bedroll, next to Cara's, she sat straight up. "Is he going to sleep here?" Cara scowled.
"Yes." Kahlan made herself comfortable and let Richard settle on her stomach. "What?" she asked when Cara kept staring.
"Nothing," Cara said, and turned her back on Kahlan with a huff.
*
With Richard not having a say in where they went, things did actually speed up. The Compass worked well enough with Richard's paw on it (although once it had them chasing after a mouse for half a day, presumably to teach Richard a lesson about the value of patience or hunting or anger - it was between him and the Compass and neither was very good at verbalizing).
But aside from that it was a straight and narrow road ahead, no distractions, something which seemed to improve Cara's mood a little, even though she still stubbornly slept with her back to Kahlan. Truthfully Richard wasn't as good at keeping the cold night air at bay as Cara was.
Meanwhile, Richard seemed to be quite happy with his new life as a cat. He was a very good-natured kitten, quite happy to sleep in Kahlan's backpack or in her arms when they walked.
"When we've sealed the Rift I could take him to Aydindril," Kahlan told Cara. "He can catch rats and keep my feet warm at night."
"He hasn't exactly proven himself when it comes to catching rats," Cara said, crossing her arms.
Kahlan smiled. "Maybe you could teach him?"
"Obviously I would have to," Cara said seriously.
*
Richard wasn't much help in a fight any more, but Kahlan was getting pretty good at handling the Sword, and it was not like the last time when they had to name a new Seeker. Richard was right there, just a little bit more feline than he used to be. It was actually kind of nice, because his fur was really soft and when Kahlan scratched his tummy he made the most adorable kitten noises.
Zedd sighed. "I don't think my grandson would appreciate the bow."
"I think he looks very happy," Kahlan protested.
Richard purred and rolled over on his back in confirmation.
Cara's lips twitched. Kahlan was almost sure that was the Mord'Sith equivalent of a fit of giggles.
*
Richard threw up on Cara's bedroll and for a depressingly cold and lonely time she slept on the other side of the camp.
Not even finding the Stone of Tears helped much, although Agieling the leader of the Guardians of the Stone when he tried to keep them from leaving did bring at least a temporary smile to Cara's face.
*
Richard rolled up in a ball in Cara's lap. She went rigid, glancing stiffly at Kahlan, as if afraid of moving even the smallest bit. "What is he doing?" she asked, face tense.
"He's cuddling with you," Kahlan said. "It's what kittens do."
Cara looked disgusted. "Tell him to stop," she said, a note of panic in her voice.
Kahlan never thought she'd see Cara afraid of anything. She tried to hide a smile behind her hand. "It means he likes you," she said. "He's probably very sorry about being sick on your bedroll."
"Mord'Sith do not... cuddle. Especially not with kittens," Cara said.
Maybe they'd be less cranky if they did, Kahlan thought, but she kept that to herself. "Isn't it a Mord'Sith's duty to serve the Lord Rahl in every way?" she said instead. "I think that includes petting him if he's accidentally turned into a kitten."
Richard purred and settled his head on Cara's leather-clad thigh, eyes closing.
"This would have never happened with Darken Rahl," Cara muttered.
*
The Keeper's voice was thunderous and mighty, making Kahlan's knees shake and her stomach heavy with fear. "Your merry band seems to lack a member," he said. "Where is the Seeker?"
Cara showed none of the terror Kahlan felt, as she held Richard out by the scruff of his neck. "May I present the Lord Rahl," she said.
"Meow," Richard said.
"No, really," the Keeper said. "Where is he? Not even you would be stupid enough to get the Seeker turned into a kitten."
Cara actually looked a little bit sheepish at that.
*
It turned out that Richard being a kitten was just the distraction that was needed for Zedd to make it to the Pillars of Creation with the Stone. When the Keeper managed to stop laughing it was already too late.
All was well in the Midlands again.
Except for Richard being a cat, but now that they were all used to it, it wasn't so bad.
Even Cara seemed to have gotten used to the idea of her Lord Rahl being a kitten, surliness giving way to high spirits (or at least a slightly less moody disposition). Curiously this happened at the same time that Richard started to sleep in Zedd's boot instead of on Kahlan's chest, and also around the time Cara's blankets surreptitiously were moved back beside Kahlan's. It was probably a coincidence.
*
Eventually Zedd did manage to figure out a way to break the powerful kitten spell.
Out of the magic, pink fairy-dust stepped Richard, fully human again. "Oooh," he said, a bewildered look on his face. "That was..." He paused to cough up a hair ball.
Cara raised an eyebrow.
Kahlan blushed deeply.
Zedd threw the bundle in his arms at Richard. "Put on some clothes, boy. And take off that ridiculous bow."
This is how bad ideas start. Bad AU crack ideas.
Title: The Cat Conundrum (or That Time Richard Got Turned into a Kitten)
Author: hibernate
Pairing/characters: Kahlan/Cara, Kahlan/Richard, Zedd
Rating: PG / all ages
Wordcount: ~1400 words
Summary: In which Richard is turned into a kitten by Powerful Kitten Magic. (These things happen.)
Also archived on AO3.
"Where's Richard?" Kahlan asked when Cara walked back into the camp alone.
Cara swung her backpack to her front. "Lord Rahl," she said drily, pulling a bundle of brown fur out of the backpack, "had an accident."
It took a moment before Kahlan could identify the squirming ball of fuzz in Cara's hand. When she did, her jaw went slack with surprise. "You got Richard turned into a kitten?!"
Cara lifted the kitten higher, dangling it by the scruff of its neck, the look on her face one that Kahlan could only describe as amused. "Oh no," Cara said. "He managed that all on his own."
Kahlan rushed forward to scoop Richard up, away from Cara's less than tender grip. "Richard," she said and cradled him against herself.
Richard purred contently and stretched his fuzzy paws out across the bare skin of her chest.
"He hasn't changed much," Cara said.
*
Unfortunately, Zedd wasn't particularly helpful.
"I have heard of this before. It's an incredibly powerful spell," he said, hands hovering a few inches over Richard's brown fur. "I can't undo it."
Cara rolled her eyes, and Kahlan really didn't want to be impolite, but sometimes it seemed like Zedd's magic conveniently never worked when they needed it the most. She stroked Richard's furry head absently as he continued to purr against her skin. Tears threatened to spill from her eyes, and she swallowed hard.
"Look at it this way," Cara said. "If Richard isn't insisting we stop in every village to help people and pet sheep, we're bound to find the Stone of Tears quicker."
Cara proceeded to be inappropriately amused by the situation all day.
Kahlan clutched Richard tighter to her chest and finally snapped, "It's not funny, Cara. What if we never get him back?"
Cara raised an eyebrow. "He looks very content with his predicament."
He did do that. He was purring constantly when Kahlan held him, alternating between sleeping with his pink nose pressed against the slope between her breasts, and playing with her hair with his furry kitten paws.
Cara's good mood lasted until nightfall.
"Lord Rahl," Cara said, eyes narrowing as they fell on Richard, who was curled up on her bedroll, purring loudly. "You are meant to sleep over there." She nodded pointedly toward the other end of the camp, where Zedd had placed a blanket for him.
"Cara," Kahlan said, voice soft. "He's just a kitten right now. He doesn't want to sleep alone."
"He's going to leave hairs on my bedroll," Cara said.
Kahlan sighed. "Truly a fate worse than death." She lifted up Richard and placed a kiss on one of his wildly furry ears, making him purr even louder in delight.
Cara lay down, but when Kahlan, with Richard still in her arms, sat down on her own bedroll, next to Cara's, she sat straight up. "Is he going to sleep here?" Cara scowled.
"Yes." Kahlan made herself comfortable and let Richard settle on her stomach. "What?" she asked when Cara kept staring.
"Nothing," Cara said, and turned her back on Kahlan with a huff.
*
With Richard not having a say in where they went, things did actually speed up. The Compass worked well enough with Richard's paw on it (although once it had them chasing after a mouse for half a day, presumably to teach Richard a lesson about the value of patience or hunting or anger - it was between him and the Compass and neither was very good at verbalizing).
But aside from that it was a straight and narrow road ahead, no distractions, something which seemed to improve Cara's mood a little, even though she still stubbornly slept with her back to Kahlan. Truthfully Richard wasn't as good at keeping the cold night air at bay as Cara was.
Meanwhile, Richard seemed to be quite happy with his new life as a cat. He was a very good-natured kitten, quite happy to sleep in Kahlan's backpack or in her arms when they walked.
"When we've sealed the Rift I could take him to Aydindril," Kahlan told Cara. "He can catch rats and keep my feet warm at night."
"He hasn't exactly proven himself when it comes to catching rats," Cara said, crossing her arms.
Kahlan smiled. "Maybe you could teach him?"
"Obviously I would have to," Cara said seriously.
*
Richard wasn't much help in a fight any more, but Kahlan was getting pretty good at handling the Sword, and it was not like the last time when they had to name a new Seeker. Richard was right there, just a little bit more feline than he used to be. It was actually kind of nice, because his fur was really soft and when Kahlan scratched his tummy he made the most adorable kitten noises.
Zedd sighed. "I don't think my grandson would appreciate the bow."
"I think he looks very happy," Kahlan protested.
Richard purred and rolled over on his back in confirmation.
Cara's lips twitched. Kahlan was almost sure that was the Mord'Sith equivalent of a fit of giggles.
*
Richard threw up on Cara's bedroll and for a depressingly cold and lonely time she slept on the other side of the camp.
Not even finding the Stone of Tears helped much, although Agieling the leader of the Guardians of the Stone when he tried to keep them from leaving did bring at least a temporary smile to Cara's face.
*
Richard rolled up in a ball in Cara's lap. She went rigid, glancing stiffly at Kahlan, as if afraid of moving even the smallest bit. "What is he doing?" she asked, face tense.
"He's cuddling with you," Kahlan said. "It's what kittens do."
Cara looked disgusted. "Tell him to stop," she said, a note of panic in her voice.
Kahlan never thought she'd see Cara afraid of anything. She tried to hide a smile behind her hand. "It means he likes you," she said. "He's probably very sorry about being sick on your bedroll."
"Mord'Sith do not... cuddle. Especially not with kittens," Cara said.
Maybe they'd be less cranky if they did, Kahlan thought, but she kept that to herself. "Isn't it a Mord'Sith's duty to serve the Lord Rahl in every way?" she said instead. "I think that includes petting him if he's accidentally turned into a kitten."
Richard purred and settled his head on Cara's leather-clad thigh, eyes closing.
"This would have never happened with Darken Rahl," Cara muttered.
*
The Keeper's voice was thunderous and mighty, making Kahlan's knees shake and her stomach heavy with fear. "Your merry band seems to lack a member," he said. "Where is the Seeker?"
Cara showed none of the terror Kahlan felt, as she held Richard out by the scruff of his neck. "May I present the Lord Rahl," she said.
"Meow," Richard said.
"No, really," the Keeper said. "Where is he? Not even you would be stupid enough to get the Seeker turned into a kitten."
Cara actually looked a little bit sheepish at that.
*
It turned out that Richard being a kitten was just the distraction that was needed for Zedd to make it to the Pillars of Creation with the Stone. When the Keeper managed to stop laughing it was already too late.
All was well in the Midlands again.
Except for Richard being a cat, but now that they were all used to it, it wasn't so bad.
Even Cara seemed to have gotten used to the idea of her Lord Rahl being a kitten, surliness giving way to high spirits (or at least a slightly less moody disposition). Curiously this happened at the same time that Richard started to sleep in Zedd's boot instead of on Kahlan's chest, and also around the time Cara's blankets surreptitiously were moved back beside Kahlan's. It was probably a coincidence.
*
Eventually Zedd did manage to figure out a way to break the powerful kitten spell.
Out of the magic, pink fairy-dust stepped Richard, fully human again. "Oooh," he said, a bewildered look on his face. "That was..." He paused to cough up a hair ball.
Cara raised an eyebrow.
Kahlan blushed deeply.
Zedd threw the bundle in his arms at Richard. "Put on some clothes, boy. And take off that ridiculous bow."