On bad movies
The town I went to high-school in had a second-run movie theatre that I think charged two or three bucks for the about-to-go-out-of-release movies that nobody particularly wanted to see. This was a much better deal than paying full-price, and occasionally worked out really well. Like the one time I went there and watched a movie that was so bad that, upon walking out of the theatre, though "It couldn't have been that bad, could it?", and turned around, paid my two and a half bucks again, and went back in to see it a second time. And I walked out after the second time and thought "Maybe it's just me?" and the next day recruited a friend to go see it again, after which we repeated the experience of my second viewing of the movie. This process repeated with a few more friends over the space of the next week, and that's how I came to see Labyrinth nine times in the space of the week it came to town.
And I'd have thought, at that point, that I'd never have the opportunity to see another movie in the theatre that was absolutely, positively, "Manos: Hands of Fate" bad as that.
And then, John Travolta brought us Battlefield Earth.
Now, I figure that a movie like Labyrinth had to get past dozens of people who all had the opportunity to say "No, I think it's an amazingly retarded idea to spend millions of dollars making this movie", and Battlefield Earth gets no such exemption, since it was a matter of religion that the movie was going to be a good idea. ...poor religion, you almost feel bad for it. But, in any case, at least in that regard Labyrinth is still the worse movie, because it presumably didn't have that sort of faith-based motivation for its need to be made. In spite of the inherent comical badness, having made Battlefield Earth is still not quite as much of a sin as is the original bad movie that I will always love.
...until now. The King is dead, long live the King. A new sun today rises. Friends, Romans, countrymen, I mean to tell you today that X-Files: I Want To Believe sets a new standard for bad movies, and writer Frank 'Spotnitz' Spotnitz needs to be clubbed to death like a baby seal, as does anyone who ever encouraged him in his efforts, and anyone who ever thought that making this movie was a good idea.
I turned on my cellphone in the middle of this movie, in order to use the audio recording feature to leave myself a message. I said "At 48 minutes in, this movie becomes a comedy". If you were an X-Files fan, enjoyed X-Files characters, and were hoping to see an X-Files movie? Then you should have rented the first one instead of seeing this. This goes straight on past 'parody of an X-Files movie' and on into 'badly-written slashfiction of an X-Files movie', with people who LOOK like the characters you know and love, but doing amazingly badly-written and out-of-character shit that doesn't make any goddamn sense, like spontaneously having sex with Mr. Spock while wearing a badger suit.
If, like me, you are a fan of the awesomely amazingly bad movie, you will see this movie and immediately want to do three things: 1) find everyone involved in the making of this movie and slap them, 2) order another pitcher of beer, as the first one was obviously insufficient, and 3) see it again.
It couldn't have been THAT bad, COULD IT?
It's playing again, tomorrow and Wednesday. I'll be the guy down towards the front on the left-hand side, drinking a pitcher of Yuengling, if anybody cares to join me.
And I'd have thought, at that point, that I'd never have the opportunity to see another movie in the theatre that was absolutely, positively, "Manos: Hands of Fate" bad as that.
And then, John Travolta brought us Battlefield Earth.
Now, I figure that a movie like Labyrinth had to get past dozens of people who all had the opportunity to say "No, I think it's an amazingly retarded idea to spend millions of dollars making this movie", and Battlefield Earth gets no such exemption, since it was a matter of religion that the movie was going to be a good idea. ...poor religion, you almost feel bad for it. But, in any case, at least in that regard Labyrinth is still the worse movie, because it presumably didn't have that sort of faith-based motivation for its need to be made. In spite of the inherent comical badness, having made Battlefield Earth is still not quite as much of a sin as is the original bad movie that I will always love.
...until now. The King is dead, long live the King. A new sun today rises. Friends, Romans, countrymen, I mean to tell you today that X-Files: I Want To Believe sets a new standard for bad movies, and writer Frank 'Spotnitz' Spotnitz needs to be clubbed to death like a baby seal, as does anyone who ever encouraged him in his efforts, and anyone who ever thought that making this movie was a good idea.
I turned on my cellphone in the middle of this movie, in order to use the audio recording feature to leave myself a message. I said "At 48 minutes in, this movie becomes a comedy". If you were an X-Files fan, enjoyed X-Files characters, and were hoping to see an X-Files movie? Then you should have rented the first one instead of seeing this. This goes straight on past 'parody of an X-Files movie' and on into 'badly-written slashfiction of an X-Files movie', with people who LOOK like the characters you know and love, but doing amazingly badly-written and out-of-character shit that doesn't make any goddamn sense, like spontaneously having sex with Mr. Spock while wearing a badger suit.
If, like me, you are a fan of the awesomely amazingly bad movie, you will see this movie and immediately want to do three things: 1) find everyone involved in the making of this movie and slap them, 2) order another pitcher of beer, as the first one was obviously insufficient, and 3) see it again.
It couldn't have been THAT bad, COULD IT?
It's playing again, tomorrow and Wednesday. I'll be the guy down towards the front on the left-hand side, drinking a pitcher of Yuengling, if anybody cares to join me.