175 reasons why I HATE Deathly Shallows!
Make sure you guys get your drinks and snacks before one sits down to read, as this is gonna be a long 'un, filled with the delightful combination of snark, sarcasm, rage, bitterness, and all that shiny stuff!! :D
We'll go (mostly) chapter-by-chapter, then at the end I've got a running list of more general issues with the book. After that, perhaps some more neutral/random bits I found in the book (if I haven't hit LJ's posting limit by then...) and/or some issues with JKR's post-DH slew of interviews, though if they don't fit, that'll be my next post. One last warning for the faint of heart, guys - this book is gonna get MAIMED. Children's/Young Adult series or not, JKR has failed us as a writer and a human being, and she's not gettin' away with it! *evil fanged smiley*
Chapter 1:
1.) Isn't using Malfoy Manor as Voldemort's hideout a little....obvious? It's kind of like robbing a bank, then running and using your long-time friend's/accomplices' house as a hideout. Hmm, on the search to hunt you down, the cops SURELY aren't going to check THERE! Not that use of the Burrow for the Order is any better...
2.) Wouldn't it have been nice to have gotten Charity Burbage's name and maybe even gotten the tiniest look into her Muggle Studies class with Hermione before she got iced?! As it is, the only thing I knew about that class before this was that one time, Hermione had a diagram in front of her for a 'Muggle plug' (outlet) in front of her in third year! Same goes for Professor Vector, the Arithmancy teacher - at least here we got her name and one tiny mention of her at the Yule Ball in GoF (dancing gingerly with Professor Moody/Crouch). Don't you think at some point, with so few classes and Professors at Hogwarts (along with living there for 9ish months out of the year!), Harry would of oh, run across her?
3.) (pg. 11) "A broad, hunched woman with pointed teeth cackled." So there are more female D.E.'s, but we never even get to find out their names! I could make the assumption that it's Alecto Carrow, but still - only two female D.E.'s?
Chapter 2:
4.) The article written up by Elphias Doge was all right, but combined right after with Skeeter's article made for pages of boring story that could have been MUCH better served by Harry actually talking with people (Order members!), or better yet, the space being filled with answering a few more of our questions for the series! The whole thing could have been taken care of by being added to the bit at Bill/Fleur's wedding when Harry's talking with Aunt Muriel and Elphias!
5.) (pg 25, Rita Skeeter) "No, no I'm talking about much worse than a brother with a fondness for fiddling about with goats,"
*takes a deep breath* CANON GOAT-FUCKERY! *jumps up and down*
Seriously, when we first heard about this in OotP, I assumed it was something like the "bog-standard chicken breathing fire" Harry and Arthur Weasley saw in the lift at the Ministry. Maybe the goats were charmed to be super fast and effective lawn-mowers or something, right? Not this time around, and not with a word like 'fiddling' attached to it! On top of that, whatever it was, Aberforth was charged by the Wizengamot for it! D:
Chapter 3:
6.) 12 pages of filler Dursley bit, practically rehashed from OotP. Would have been MUCH better served with the Dursley's being swiftly told by Harry and an Order member (Kingsley? Lupin?), Dudley having his cute little about-face, then maybe even a bit between Petunia and Harry. As it was, Dudley's little bit wasn't enough to make me feel like the Dursley's were anything more than cardboard cut-outs of the Evil!Abusive! Caregivers.
Chapter 4:
7.) Dumbest plan to get Harry out of Privet Dr. EVER! The whole plan struck me as a Rube Goldbergish way to further the plot and insure that there was some more early action in there. What the plan SHOULD have been (with all the anti-magical precautions in place) was to have Harry go in the car with the Dursley's down the road a ways under the Invisibility Cloak before getting picked up by a squad of Order members, THEN flying to a hideout somewhere. ALSO, are we really supposed to believe that none of the neighbors looked out the window to find out the source of the "sudden, deafening roar" caused by the flying motorbike?!?!?! Look how excited the neighbors got at the loud *crack* of Mundungus Apparating in OotP!
8.) (pg 47) The basic blanket-ban on magic anywhere near or around Privet Dr. felt like a real cop-out to me to further the plot. Also, how was the charms on the motorbike and the Disillusionment charms on everyone who came to pick up Harry not detected?
9.) (pg 52) Was it really necessary for the big deal to be made with everybody just dropping trou. once they're in Harry form after drinking the Polyjuice? How...perverse. >:(
10.) (pg 55) Harry can't even pull off the same "Accio Firebolt!" he practiced so very hard in GoF?! One would think a brrom just might come in handy on the trip ahead, especially as Harry didn't have his Apparition license yet (and never really bothered to learn, either).
11.) (pg 55-56) I wouldn't have argued at the fact of Hedwig's death, but by the way JKR was already making it more than clear that Harry's stuff was cramped and the cage was in the way, yea, I definitely felt like she was just a throwaway plot line JKR didn't know what to do with! Same goes with the above tossed-off Firebolt! Furthermore, why even bother holding on to Hedwig and her cage? Did they, or did they not, learn the Owl to Opera Glasses Transfiguration in class (which would have also made an excellent little tie to the previous books)?!
12.) (pg 60) How in the BLEEPITY BLEEP BLEEP can Voldemort all of a sudden FLY?!?!?!?! Nobody else in the HP universe can fly before this! What, is Voldemort too sexy cool for a broomstick?!
Chapter 5:
13.) (pgs 74-75) Fred and George making jokes right after George gets quite nearly killed by totally inappropriate, even by the Gred and Forge standards! Really, would it have KILLED JKR to have a scene of the twins being humbled, shocked, and frightened? It was just so OOC, SO out of place, it was just a very much unneeded jarring after we were beginning to deal with the deaths of Hedwig and Moody and just getting over the idea that Hagrid wasn't dead. Very poor choice, JKR, I'm very dissappointed at the loss of this opportunity for character growth. D:<
Chapter 6:
14.) There's no doubt about it after my reread - Molly Weasley asks very odd questions, ones she should already know the answers to, then brushes it off as though it were nothing, quickly moving on to other topics. She acts like someone else under Polyjuice! Hell, that would have been a GREAT plot twist, but unfortunately, it's just another example of JKR's poor writing skillz in this tome.
15.) (pg 90) "Mr Weasley has explained that after the death of Dumbledore, their Secret-Keeper, each of the people to whom Dumbledore had confided Grimmauld Place's location had become a Secret-Keeper in turn."
(Arthur Weasley) "And as there are around twenty of us, that greatly dilutes the power of the Fidelius Charm. Twenty times as many opportunities for the Death Eaters to get the secret out of somebody."
Um.....WRONG! That's not how it WORKS! JKR done went and changed her OWN RULES to suit the plot! W.T.F.! I'm also pretty sure that you CAN'T torture a secret out of a Secret Keeper, either! Repeat after me, JKR - fiiirst you make the rules for your universe, THEN you write the story!
16.) (pg. 94) "For the first time, Harry imagined Mad-Eye's body, broken as Dumbledore's had been, yet with that one eye still whizzing in its socket. He felt a stab of revulsion mixed with a bizarre desire to laugh."
Sick! *wrinkles face in utter distaste*
17.) (96-97) After all they went through with Gilderoy Lockhart, Hermione still modifies her parents' memories?! Definitely another example of getting another pesky side-plot out of the way. Not that it was really much of a plot point, anyway, I suppose - after all, Hermione's acted like she's an orphan for quite awhile now...
18.) (101-102) "Accio Horcrux books" ?!?!?! Puh-leeese! Yea, if that worked, why did Hermione always spend so much time looking for things in the library?! And how about getting Dumbledore's Pensieve while she was at it?! THIS farce was definitely one of the biggest cop-outs of the book, WTF!
19.) (105 Hermione) "While the magical container is still intact, the bit of soul inside it can flit in and out of someone if they get too close to the object. I don't mean holding it for too long, it's nothing to do with touching it,"..."I mean close emotionally. Ginny poured her heart out into that diary, she made herself incredibly vulnerable. You're in trouble if you get too fond of or dependent on the Horcrux."
So it's NOT actually being close to the Horcrux that gets one in trouble, it's when you grow to love the Horcrux that gets you in trouble. Soo....How does this explain how later on, the Trio kept having issues with the locket Horcrux, even though they weren't growing fon OR dependent on it, and we just wearing it? And how does Umbridge suffer no ill effects, even though she wears it, and is both fond AND dependent on it? Oh, wait, that's right, Umbridge is...working with it..or..something. Yea....NO. Total, complete FAIL on this one.
20.) (109) They've got approx. 650 trillion security charms on the Burrow, yet they're having "Millamant's Magic Marquees" come in to set up all the wedding crap?! WTF! Doesn't one think that JUST MAYBE it might be a good idea in these times to, you know, set up everything themselves???
Chapter 7:
21.) (113) Ron's 12 Fail-Safe Ways to Charm Witches ! "You'd be surprised, it's not all about wandwork, either."
Ummmmm.......is "wandwork" another euphamism, or are we getting into date rape Amortenia, too? Also, I hope there's a chapter on Memory Charms too, because Ron seems to have plenty of moments best left forgotten! Yays, for JKR resorting to using a *book* to bring about artificial character development! also, if she was hoping that was going to make Ron and Harry less prat-ish, I gotta say she failed MISERABLY.
22.) (115, Hermione) "I'm nearly done, I'm just waiting for the rest of your underpants to come out of the wash, Ron--"
So the 'cleverest witch of her age' is reduced to washing Ronnikins underwear?!
23.) (116-117) I'm SO not touching this particularly loathesome terribly cliched barferific Harry/Ginny moment! I even liked Harry/Ginny before this...this...*throws hands in the air*. Ron's attitude is particularly irritating - so it was okay for Harry to date her in HBP, but now it's not? Ron just completely goes back in time, and adds some new-ish excuses to the same old crap. Yea, it's a pretty safe bet I'm going to keep 'shipping Ginny with one of my OC's, because this canon mockery moment pretty much ruined the pairing for me FOREVA. *shudders*
24.) (121) Patronus - the Wizarding World's texting system!
25.) (125, Scrimegeour on Dumbles' will) "To Ronald Bilius Weasley, I leave my Deluminator, in the hope that he will remember me when he uses it."
I should NOT be hearing Galadriel's lovely voice in my head the moment my eyes touched this quote, saying "May it be a light for you in dark places, where all other lights go out. " W.T.F., and unfortunately, only the first of the LotR rip-offs abound in this book. DDDD:<
Chapter 8:
26.) (137) So, not only did they have 'Millamont's Magical Marquees' come in for decorations, they have "A host of white-robed waiters" along with "a golden-jacketed band", too?!?!?!?! HELLOOOO! Watching one episode of Walker, Texas Ranger should have told them that could be not only a really shitty plan, but a SERIOUS security compromise! I was completely expecting the band to jump up, whip off their golden jackets, and start spraying automatic weapons fire whip out their wands to be revealed as undercover D.E.'s and start AK'ing everybody hopefully starting with Fleur.
27.) (145) Wizarding weddings end with "bonded for life"? Really? Sooo....I take it it's like an Unbreakable Bond or something, since we haven't heard of ANY Wizarding divorces! This also seems to be kind of backed up in HBP, page 145:
"Zabini...turned out to have a famously beautiful witch for a mother (from what Harry could make out, she had been married seven times, each of her husbands dying mysteriously and leaving her mounds of gold).
Yays, Black Widow! XD
28.) (146) So even at the wedding, the only drinks they serve are pumpkin juice, butterbeer, and firewhiskey?! Geez, no wonder it was hinted in OotP that Sirius was an alcoholic! /sacasm
29.) (159, Kingley's lynx Patronus) "The Ministry has fallen. Scrimegeour is dead. They are coming."
Hey, JKR? If I've thought about using the last bit 6 or 8 times and have decided it would be too much of a rip-off From LotR (Mines of Moria, Balin's Tomb), that means you don't get to rip it off, either, bizzle-nitch!
Chapter 9:
30.) (162) Hermione's beaded bag with the "Undetectable Extension charm" almost didn't make this list, since my backpack is practically a bastard cousin of this thing. But still - isn't that kind of....convenient? Why didn't we ever see this before now? Maybe we were supposed to infer it's on the Ministry cars or something? Either way, this was definitely waaay too convenient a thing to have waaaay too late in the game.
31.) (167) I don't care, the difference between Modifying and Obliviating memories CAN'T be different, or different enough for Hermione to say she's "never done it before". Hellooo, don't you think she might of, you know, practiced it a weee bit before doing it on her parents?!
32.) (169) Harry opens 12 G.P. with a tap of his wand - wasn't there a set of keys before?!
33.) (173, Hermione) "Otherwise Voldemort can plant false images in your mind, remember---"
Hey, so where's the Trackers now, eh?! FLINT!
Chapter 10:
34.) (176) I've heard it complained about before, that the chapter illustrations don't match up with the books, but I've never really looked too close before - 'till now. Is it just me, or is that the full moon behind the Mauraders in this one? Guess they took it real quick then, before, you know, Lupin collapsed to the ground in convulsions for the Change?
Chapter 11:
35.) (204) Lupin gives out info about himself and Harry that anybody would know, especially the D.E.'s!
36.) (207) Ummm....wouldn't anybody stop to see how ridiculous this bit with how Harry supposedly killed Dumbledore was? Especially as the Daily Prophet probably already reported about how Snape killed him and all that lot? Also, the DP took back all the mean eeebil things they said about Harry and Dumbles at the end of OotP, so....WTF?
37.) (209-210) I suppose the Muggle-Born Register sort of fits with the D.E. ideology, but it strikes me as the first of many, many, altogether-too-close parallels to WWII in this book. :(
38.) (210) Blood Status? What next, yellow stars? :(
39.) (212-214) Aaaaand....Lupin gets to be my OTHER candidate for a regular character apparently under the effects of Polyjuice potion! He's talking about Tonks and his marriage with this:
"coldly", "with an air of forcing himself to admit something unpleasant", "he spoke with a finality bordering on indifference."
I think it was unnecessary and cruel to have Lupin saying his marriage to Tonks was a mistake and a regret! WTF! Then he goes on to have a werewolf pity party (Hey, he's lived with it pretty much his whole life, doncha think he'd be gettin' used to it by now?). Furthermore, what's up with the
"Even her own family is disgusted by our marriage,"
He's referring to Andromeda and Ted?! Um...they seem happy from what I saw! Unless he's talking about Bellatrix and the Malfoys, but why the hell would he care what they have to say?! I call OOC! I suppose we should treasure this moment, though - I'm pretty sure it's one of the only times in this book that Harry shows even a glimmer of common sense...
Chapter 12:
40.) (223) "The Muggles who lived in Grimmauld Place had long since accepted the amusing mistake in the numbering that had caused number 11 to sit by number 13."
From what I've seen with the anti-Muggle magic in JKR's world, would the Muggles be far more inclined to never notice the discrepancy, or have their minds go all fuzzy if they did stop to question it? 12 G.P. does, after all, have "every security measure known to wizarding kind" on it...
41.) The Trio just sits and hangs out at 12 G.P.! What, did JKR not know what to do with them in the gap between the time they got there and when term started?!
42.) (225-226) Snape as Headmaster?! WTF! I imagine since Voldemort is now officially in power that JUST MAYBE he might have better things to do than worry about whether or not the school is open?!
43.) (227, Harry) "Well, at least we know exactly where Snape is now."
That sounds entirely flat and uninspired, especially seeing as the last time Harry saw Snape he was trying to kill him...
44.) (227) Okay, the constant use of Merlin's name has finally gotten tiresome. Is Merlin the Wizarding God, and THAT'S why they keep using his name and anatomy in vain?
45.) (229) So the Trio finally starts doing something, even if it's just reconnaissance trips, watching the entrance to the Ministry...they spend four weeks on that, and we get to hear NOTHING about it until after the fact...
46.) (234) FINALLY, Harry realizes the use to which his connection with Voldemort can be put!
47.) (234, Hermione) "I don't get it, Harry - do you like having this special connection or relationship or what -- whatever---"
So Hermione's channeling Snape from OotP now?
48.) (237) There's apparently NO security at the regular entrance to the Ministry, because the Trio just stuns people and drags 'em off! WEAK!!
49.) (241, Harry) ""Looks like it," Harry whispered back; his voice came out deep and gravelly."
Since when does Polyjuice change your voice, too?! Is this Polyjuice 2.0, because when Harry and Ron had to imitate the deeper voices of Goyle and Crabbe in CoS it didn't work this way! FLINT!
50.) (242) The Magic is Might statue is truly horrifying, and really isn't the sort of thing I wanted or expected to see in HP! Seriously, I'd expect something like this in Pan's Labrynth! *feels nauseous*
51.) (243, Yaxley) "You realize I am on my way downstairs to interrogate your wife, Cattermole? In fact, I'm quite surprised you're not down there holding her hand while she waits. Already given up on her as a bad job, have you? Probably wise. Be sure and marry a pureblood next time."
More WWII parallels.... D:<
52.) Also, JUST a silly little wonderment of mine, but nobody in the friggin' Ministry has come up with a way to detect Polyjuice?! Wouldn't having one of the Gringott's "Thief's Downfall" in or at the end of each chute into the Ministry make sense?
Chapter 13:
53.) (259) "As he passed gleaming wooden door after gleaming wooden door,m each bearing a small plaque with the owner's name and occupation on it, the might of the Ministry, it's complexity, its impenetrability, seemed to force itself upon him so that the plan he had been carefully concocting with Ron and Hermione over the past four weeks seemed ridiiculously childish. They had concentrated all their efforts on getting inside without being detected: They had not given a moment's thought to what they would do if they were forced to separate."
This is the second time I've seen one of the characters questioning the plans/plot - hell, I guess I can't blame 'em, 'cause I know I am.... :(
54.) Umbridge's cat Patronus personally irritates me. 'Nuff said. >_>
55.) Here, let me just get out my aggravation with pages 268-322 and 345-445 now:
Harry Potter and the Dudley Swallows Deathly Shallows Deathly Hallows 154 Pages of Intermission!
Okay, I feel better now. Seriously, I almost put down the book to go to bed on the first time around after I got deep into all this aimless bickering and wandering quagmire. The first time reading the new book, I say! D: D: D:
Chapter 14:
56.) (277) Hermione gathered wild mushrooms for food? Aaaah - what exactly are the odds she only found non-poisonous ones, esspecially since Hermione isn't exactly the camping type...?
On top of that, on page 292, we have this:
"The fact that Hermione was getting better at identifying edible fungi --"
Sooo....I take it they had close encounters with the poisonous ones that we didn't get to hear about?
Chapter 15:
57.) (286-287) Yea, so much for the ONE RING locket Horcrux not affecting people who are merely in close proximity to it! LotR RIP-OFF!!!!!!!!
Also, here's a freakin' thought - how about they, you know, TOSS IT IN HERMIONE'S GIANT BAG O' SHIT INSTEAD OF WEARING THE DAMNED THING?!?!?!?! *chases the Trio around, beating them with a clue-by-four*
58.) (294-300) WHY didn't the Trio go out to meet up with Dirk Cresswell, Dean Thomas, and Ted freaking Tonks?! They could have gotten more valuable intel, gotten Ron's injuries healed, and probably been able to send word to the Order that they were alive! Even just Ron and/or Hermione could have gone out there (with or without Harry under the Cloak nearby) and said they were on the run, too! WTF!
59.) (323) "He was not even sure whether he would be able to see the cottage at all; he did not know what happened when the subjects of a Fidelius Charm died."
Harry doesn't know?! What about when Arthur Weasley FREAKING TOLD THEM on page 90! *throws hands in the air*
60.) I think the statue of James, Lily, and baby Harry was just a bit much - the plaque in front of the ruins of their cottage would have been more than sufficient, I think. Furthermore, I'm not even going to get into the rampant Fidelius stupidities of how the hell anyone else can see it, unless Wormtail and/or Sirius went and told the ENTIRE WIZARDING WORLD the location of the house!
Chapter 17:
61.) (340) Nagini concealed within the long-dead corpse of Bathilda Bagshot?! FUCKING GROSS! Like the slew of bad Holloywood movies these days, it's like JKR's trying to make up for the crappy writing with the shock and gross-out value instead!
62.) (333-342) Let's stop and take a moment to look over this list, and y'all figure out what YOU would do in this same situation. Would YOU enter this sort of house in Harry's shoes?:
- Bathilda can somehow see them under the Cloak
- She speaks exactly seven words the WHOLE time they see her
- Garden is WAY overgrown
- House that smells of "Old age, dust, unwashed clothes, and stale food." - long deserted much?!
- Horcrux gets really active once Harry gets inside (and he doesn't even care, and barely notices the thing bouncing off his chest) maybe hes just used to the more powerful feelings of his "chest monster" in HBP?
- House is extremely dirty and covered in thick dust
- "Harry's nose detected, underneath the dank and mildewed smell, something worse, like meat gone bad." Ewww, rotting Bathilda!
Even with all that (Danger! Danger, Will Robinson!) AND Hermione there, they STILL go in?! So much for Harry's sense of self-preservation...
63.) (342-345) We finally get to see what happened that night in Godric's Hollow....and one might as well have just watched the scenes in the SS movie! Granted, there were a couple of cute extra details, but still - and Voldemort came alone?!
64.) (340 and 346) Harry gets bit in the forearm by Nagini, and suffers...practically nothing, despite the fact that she's POISONOUS! What, did JKR forget about Arthur getting bit and nearly dying in OotP?!
65.) (349, Harry) ""Well," he said, in a falsely matter-of-fact voice, "well, I'll just borrow yours for now, then. While I keep watch."
Am I the only one to be forcibly reminded of Voldemort taking Lucius's wand back in the first chapter? *squints*
Chapter 18:
66.) (357) "For the Greater Good"
JUST STOP WITH THE NAZI HITLER STUFF ALREADY, DAMMIT!
67.) Nurmengard?! That's pretty damn close to another place in Middle Earth, and furthermore, are we SUPPOSED to be assuming Grindelwald was working with the Nazis now or what?!
Chapter 19:
68.) (374) Harry never thought to use Parceltongue to open the locket before now?!?!?!?!
69.) (375-377) Ron's admission that the Horcrux affected him strongly was good enough - the rest, especially Ron's severe and nearly deadly hesitation to get rid of the damned thing, was totally unecessary and WEAK!
70.) (384) NEVER, not even ONCE, did they speak Ron's name while he was gone?! Just that ONE TIME?! Ahahahahahaha, NO. FAIL.
71.) (385, Hermione) "But it must have been a Patronus!"..."Couldn't you see who was casting it? Didn't you see anyone? And it led you to the sword! I can't believe this!..."
Yea, I'm glad to see Hermione apparently agrees with me that this part was utter rubbish! Character themselves questioning the plot repeatedly, For The Lose (FTL)
72.) (411, Xenophilius Lovegood) "We are talking about a Cloak that really and truly renders the wearer completely invisible, and endures eternally, giving constant and impenetrable concealment, no matter what spells are cast at it."
Save for the fact that both Moody/Crouch and Bathilda/Nagini could see through it, anyway...FLINT!
Chapter 22:
73.) (430) Dumbledore had James's Cloak the night they died because it JUST HAPPENED to occur to him RIGHT THEN that it might be the one of legend?! I'd be far more inclined to believe Dumbledore took it to keep James from sneaking out under it to go help the Order!
74.) (433, Ron) "But you said it yourself, Hermione! You've got to find out about them for yourself! It's a Quest!"
*BARF!*
75.) (445) Aaaaand....Harry just shouts out "VOLDEMORT!" and gives them all away! What an ASSHAT! FTL!
Hell, at this point, I guess he did it just to give them some more action to prevent another long camping interlude!
76.) (470) Pettigrew pays for his cowardice by...getting strangled by his own silver hand. How very anti-climatic, and FTL. *curls lip in distaste*
77.) (474) "As Ron ran to pull Hermione out of the wreckage, Harry took his chance: He leapt over an armchair and wrested the three wands from Draco's grip, pointed all three of them at Greyback, and yelled, "Stupefy!". There werwolf was lifted off his feet by the triple spell, flew up to the ceiling, and then smashed to the ground."
So if more than one wand works this fabulously, why don't ALL wizards have a back-up wand or two?! *eye roll*
Chapter 24:
78.) I really spotted a flaw in this whole "wand ownership" bit. In all but one of the wands the Trio gained (save Bellatrix's), they used brute force to take it, not magic. It really made me feel like if you punched someone in the face and took their wand, it would be better than using Expelliarmus.
79.) (496-497) Now, I've had Ollivander pegged as a D.E. supporter since, oh, SS/PS, after his line on Voldemort being "Terrible...but great." Perhaps I missed some small detail, but I don't think we were ever told whether he went with Voldemort willingly, or whether he was abducted in the events of DH. But we do know that Ollivander ended up being held for quite awhile and tortured (though this still doesn't seem to say much about his loyalties, because Voldemort..well, pretty regularly tortures his supporters). What I don't like is this:
"Even now, having been tortured and imprisoned by Voldemort, the idea of the Dark wizard in possession of this wand seemed to entrall him as much as it repulsed him."
Huh? So does Ollivander really have the Dark leanings I'd always suspected, or is he quite simply SO consumed and obsessed by his craft in wand-making and lore that he just doesn't care what happens? Maybe it's a touch of Stockholm's? WTF!
80.) (499) Voldemort really took his damn sweet time getting the Elder wand from Dumbledore's grave and putting these simple facts together:
- Gregorvich had the wand but it was stolen.
- He discovers it was Grindelwald who stole it in Godric's Hallow.
- He then takes months to go *see* Grindelwald (when it's pretty much common knowledge where he is), even though he already knew that Dumbledore had defeated Grindelwald and most likely taken the Elder wand.
Yea, I call Idiot Plot! I also demand that JKR go look over the Evil Overlord list, STAT!
Chapter 25:
81.) (509) It took them weeks to figure out how to break into Gringott's?! It's not even like the Ministry break-in this time, as they had Griphook right there to help him!
82.) (504 and 510) On for some character hate - target: Fleur! :D
"Her dislike of the goblin sending her to deliver messages was clear; she looked irritable as she walked back around the house."
She gets all pissy because Griphook asks her to deliver a short message to Harry?! WTF! Besides, it's not like she shouldn't be used to goblins by now, seeing as, you know, she worked with them at Gringott's and so did Bill!
Then she bitches about Griphook being fed in his own room like Ollivander (yea, because it's a HUGE sacrifice, sending someone upstairs with two trays instead of one). Futhermore, she continues to bitch and act like it's a HUGE problem that Griphook wants to eat something different than wizard food. Anyone ever stop to consider that maybe, just maybe, goblins eat different foods than wizards? So Griphook has to practically demand reasonable food for his kind.
Furthermore, "'Arry, you saved my sister's life, I do not forget."... "Mr. Ollivander leaves for Muriel's zis evening. Zat will make zings easier."
Leaving apart how ANNOYING she sounds, she's acting completely resentful about the whole thing - doesn't she even realize or care that she's making things harder for Harry? She's practically doing her own little part to help the Trio defeat Voldemort! What a flaming bitch! WTF! Don't worry, Bill, you don't have to worry about her for long in MY canon!
Chapter 26:
83.) (520) Why would Ollivander just make Luna a new wand and not the Trio, too? Granted, Luna did keep him company and help him out for quite awhile (SO not touchin' the way Ollivander said it..), but him not doing new ones for the Trio makes me think he really is "entralled" enough with the idea of Voldemort with the Elder wand not to help them out! And not to mention Dean Thomas, who really is wandless, and is STILL wandless when he goes into the Final Battle! WTF!
84.) (523, Hermione) "She tasted disgusting, worse than Gurdyroots!"
What exactly should we be making of the idea that the less "good" someone is, the worse their Polyjuice potion tastes? As one may recall, Crabbe and/or Goyle tasted like "bogies" in CoS.
85.) (525) Hermione/Bellatrix only had to tap ONE brick to get into Diagon Alley! What happened to "three up, two across" in SS/PS?!
86.) (525) "A number of ragged people sat huddled in doorways. He heard them moaning to the few passerby, pleading for gold, insisting they were really wizards. One man had a bloody bandage over his eye."
Horrible! *gets cold chill* I am left with the wonder of how they're begging for gold and have no wands, as one would think they'd have been killed or thrown into Azkaban. Maybe it's full? :*(
I get the distinct impression this was a bit of social commentary on JKR's part on what happens when the government stops caring for its people.
87.) (531) So we're TOTALLY supposed to believe that Harry just up and casts his very first Unforgivable without any practice at all?!?!?!?!?!?! Also, WTF is up with Harry just casting it and Bogrod and Travers just up and do what he says without him giving them any instructions?! It's totally contradicted when McGonagall Imperiouses the Carrows at Hogwarts, as they stand there dumbly until she gives them instructions!
88.) So I take it we're supposed to hate the goblins? Leaving apart Griphook's bretrayle/cowardice/whathaveyou (He sells out the Trio for a sword!) and their wacko ideas about the ownership of goblin-made items (wouldn't the goblins eventually figure out that the wizards have different concepts of ownership than them, and just NOT SELL THEM THE STUFF THEY WANT TO GET BACK AT SOME POINT?!), at this point with the dragon in Gringott's, I'm left with the sincere hope that Voldemort wipes out the lot:
"It will expect pain when it hears the noice: It will retreat, and Bogrod must place his palm upon the door of the vault."
and
"Harry could see it trembling, and as they drew nearer he saw the scars made by vicious slashes across its face, and guessed that it had been taught to fear hot swords when it heard the sound of the Clankers."
*is so VERY ANGRY at this mistreatment of this poor dragon!!!* Oh, and here's another suggestion - how about having a GRIFFEN down there, since, you know, they GUARD TREASURE?!
89.) (535 and 542) "The beast's scales had turned pale and flakey during it's long incarceration;"
and
"The scales were hard as steel;"
So which one is it? Maybe it's just me, but I'm really not seeing how the poor dragon's scales can be both flakey AND hard as steel...
Chapter 27:
90.) (550) Voldemort ever-so-conveniently thinks of all the places he stowed Horcrux for Harry to see! Seriously, it's like JKR looked at the page count and suddenly remembered "Oh, shit! I better wrap this up!" FAIL!
Chapter 28:
91.) (564, Aberforth) "When my sister was six years old, she was attacked, set upon, by three Muggle boys."..."What they saw scared them, I expect. They forced their way through the hedge, and when she couldn't show them the trick, they got a bit carried away trying to stop the little freak doing it."
Ummm....I'm not sure what JKR is trying to imply here. First Umbridge and the Centaurs, and now Ariana? Ummm - canon gang rape = Do Not Want! D: D: D:
Seriously, this is TOTALLY why the Statute of Secrecy is in place, and it should STAY that way! Oh, and one more thing - how about some of that spontaneous magic to save a witch/wizards' life, eh?
92.) (567-568) I'm not satisfied with what Harry decides the potion in the sea cave was, and I still want to know what it is!
93.) (569) Finally, Hogwarts gets the protection it deserves! Too bad it had to be the D.E.'s with the common sense to set it up properly! /bitter
Chapter 29:
94.) (572, Neville) "I know, that's why they'll be Apparating directly into the bar,..."
But wouldn't the D.E.'s have left up the Anti-Apparition bit on the village??
95.) (573, Neville) "Amycus, the bloke, he teaches what used to be Defese Against the Dark Arts, except now it's just the Dark Arts. We're supposed to practice the Cruciatus Curse on people who've earned detentions --"
*sound of my suspension of disbelief shattering*
For starters, having that done on Neville (again), much less having him forced to perform it, especially on his classmates, would break him. More importantly, WHY WOULD THEY BE TEACHING ALL OF THEM THAT?!?!?! Why would they be handing that kind of weapon to the school kids?! If they got even one year of one House fully able to do it, Snape and the Carrows would be toast, and Hogwarts would have been retaken in a HOT minute!
Chapter 30:
96.) (593, Harry) "I see what Bellatrix meant,...you need to really mean it."
Harry frigging CRUCIOS Amycus for spitting on McGonagall?! WTF!
97.) (594) Aaaaaand....McGonagall uses Imperious on Amycus! Apparently, the 'Unforgivables' aren't so Unforgivable after all - maybe it's a quirk of slytherin House, then? Only Slyths get punished for using them? Also, wouldn't, you know, a STUNNER have worked every bit as well?!
98.) (598-599) Was it just me, or was the battle between McGonagall and Snape basically the same one rehashed that we had in OotP in the Ministry between Dumbledore and Voldemort? Let me count the ways:
- flames nearly enveloping someone
- giant serpents
- inanimate objects being used to shield
- both have crappy exits by the bad guys. :(
99.) (602) This is kind of more a general bitch than anything else, but I really wish Filtch had ended up as more than just an irritant and comic relief! And we don't even get to see anything more of Madam Prince Pince! (Hey, come to think of it, we don't get anything more on Snape's parents!)
100.) (605) Percy Weasley coming back was all well and good, but WTF at Fleur and Lupin shouting random shit?! *throws hands in air* I've thrown my hands in the air so often for this book I might as well reread it every time my arms need some exercise!
101.) (606) Also, I cannot believe that Percy was still okay working at the Ministry all this time, when his father had to stop and Bill even had to leave Gringott's! Wouldn't they have taken Percy into custody and/or tortured him to get the rest of the Weasleys to give up intel on the Trio?! FAIL, and I also call it that Percy was tossed in as an afterthought like "Oh, yea! I forgot about him!"
Chapter 31:
102.) (609, Voldemort) "I know that you are preparing to fight. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated. Your efforts are futile. You cannot fight me. I do not want to kill you. I have great respect for the teachers of Hogwarts never mind Charity Burbage. I do not want to spill magical blood."
Ummm....that's definitely an about-face! WTF!
103.) (610) Aaaaand.....ALL of Slytherin House leaves, and NOT A SINGLE ONE stays to fight, unless one counts Slughorn! Pansy Parkinson, Malfoy's other cronies, and the D.E.'s kids I could buy, but ALL OF THEM?! Looks like all that rubbish JKR was spouting about "united Houses" and "standing together" was just that - rubbish. WTF, FAIL, AND FTL!
104.) (611, McGonagall and Harry) "Potter, aren't you supposed to be looking for something?"
"What? Oh," said Harry, "Oh yea!"
*throws hands in the air* Hahahahahaha, oh yea! Doh! *cracks HP across the face*
105.) (623) Ron just makes some "horrible stranged hissing noise." and it just SOMEHOW opens the Chamber of Secrets?! TOTAL FAIL! *yelps as I cut my foot on a shard of my shattered suspension of disbelief*
106.) (623, Harry) "I know what the diadem looks like, and I know where it is"..."He hid it where I hid my old potions book, where everyone's been hiding stuff for centuries. He thought he was the only one that could find it."
Yea, that just totally contradicted itself. Why in the seven hells would Voldemort *see* all sorts of stuff other students had put in there and assume he was the only one that could find it?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Words just cannot express how hard this FAILS. Oh, and look! on pg. 627, we have Ron with "And he never realized anyone could get in?" Yea, even RON has picked up on the fact that the plot suxxors!
107.) (629) Was it really necessary to make Crabbe and Goyle so very stupid that they can barely speak English? How do they pronounce spells correctly?!
108.) "Fiendfyre? FIENDFYRE?! What the hell is this "fyre" bit?! It sounds like JKR's attempt to toss in a Wicca-ish line to piss off Laura Mallory and the fundies! (hey, that sounds like a band!)
109.) (637) The Unmentionable Death, which was best summed up by a fellow LJ user whose name I cannot quite recall at the moment "Oh, well, they've got another one just like him!" *sobs, flails, screams....then whips out permanent marker* Yea guys, do me a favor and NEVER MENTION THIS AGAIN. It's not part of MY book and canon, m'kay? I also would like to add my own feverent belief that Percy should have died here, if a Weasley just had (*heave sarcasm alert, shields are failing, captain!*) to die. *shakes in fury just thinking about it*