017. 10min.

[almostkiwi]

My head keeps saying "no"
But my heart keeps giving in
So hard to let it go
When it's there, under my skin.

Well if I'm judged on the life I've been living
And if heaven is not so forgiving
Well I don't care
Cause I won't know
Anybody there

When Donghae gives him a white ribbon on white day in March, hands catching on the slight kinks before he turns and walks out, Sungmin is dumbfounded. He stands there, staring at the small piece of silk in his hands before he scrunches it up lest someone sees it and starts questioning it; him.

They don't get to talk that day because it's filled with practising for their album, and his muscles are screaming out in agony as they work through the dance.

"Come on guys, we can do this," Jungsu yells out encouragingly at 11.30pm, half an hour before white day is up.

Sungmin's eyes catch on the clock before he sees Donghae do the same, excusing himself to the bathroom.

"Be right back, have to pee," Sungmin grins, and Heechul waves him off, shirt soaked with sweat.

He walks in and sees Donghae at one of the urinals, doing his business with his eyes closed, left hand braced on the wall.

"Hey," Sungmin says, and Donghae's eyes fly open before he looks down at his dick, shaking off and zipping up. Sungmin averts his eyes.

"Hey, what's up?" Donghae tries for nonchalant but there's a slight shake in his voice, and his bracelet rattles against the sink as he tries to turn the tap.

"Just." Sungmin's hands dips into his pocket before he pulls out a white ribbon, scrunched and slightly frayed. "What's the meaning of this?"

Donghae looks up before he avoids Sungmin's eyes, laughing nervously.

"You know what today is."

Sungmin inclines his head. Yeah, they all do, if any of the gifts in the dorms are any indication.

"But this?" Sungmin shakes the ribbon, and Donghae takes a step forward. He hesitates before he takes a few more, only a few inches from Sungmin.

"You know what today's like, hyung, what it means." Sungmin flinches, almost, hands dropping before Donghae takes his right hand, the one with the ribbon. "I like you, hyung, is that so wrong?"

Sungmin flinches again, swallowing before he levels his gaze.

"Don't be stupid, don't jeopardise what we've worked so hard for, Donghae," Sungmin says softly, dangerously, and puts the ribbon back into Donghae's hands. "I like you too, you know that, but what you want." Sungmin shakes his head. "No, not as an idol, and not now."

Sungmin takes a breath and leaves the bathroom, and Donghae clenches the ribbon before he, too, takes a breath and leaves, a fake, beautiful smile on.