088a.
Title: science and faith
Rating: pg-13 (contains religious references)
Pairing/focus: tiffany-centric (mentions of platonic/friendship tiffany/seohyun)
Summary: Dollhouse!AR (Alternate Reality/AU). Tiffany is about to be accepted into SME and Girls' Generation, but the company is more underhanded than she thinks.
Note: thank you to all my betas, you know who you are -- mostly, for holding my hand, providing encouragement and making me write when all i wanted to do was give up :( you guys are the best ♥ and also thank you to our team mod for being so supportive and kind :) ♥ title is taken from The Script's album and song by the same name.
written for kpop_olymfics and team canon/AR. originally posted here. (for the prompt(s): SNSD - Run Devil Run and this prompt ('Thank you for calling/standing near me/being concerned. But I am not here right now. I am somewhere else. But you cannot reach me. Please leave me at the sound of the beep.')
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The first rule in entering the company had been clear; Your first and foremost concern is SM Entertainment. Your utmost love and loyalty will be shown towards it, and nothing comes before it. Your manners, posture and way of speaking all belong to SM Entertainment. You are SM Entertainment.
This was what they told Stephanie when she joined the company, straight off the bat.
"Hwang Stephanie-sshi," the representative had addressed her, and she steeled herself. Not Stephanie Hwang, but Hwang Stephanie. "Please understand that these are the conditions you will be expected to adhere to and follow if you wish to join us. Do you agree?"
"Yes." No hesitation. "Of course."
There are times Tiffany wishes she had listened to her father and stayed in America. She sometimes wishes that she had had the opportunity to grow up as a normal, teenage girl.
But Tiffany also knows that given the chance, she'd choose Girls' Generation, every time. First it had been about doing what she loved -- singing and dancing onstage with white stagelights burning into her retinas, the feeling of success coursing through her veins. But then Girls' Generation came into the mix, and all the friendships and relationships born from that just made the whole experience all the much more enjoyable and lovable.
The bond between the nine of them is unbreakable despite the setbacks and the wavering friendships. Because the nine of them have been through Hell and back together, seen each other at their worst but also their best, and become closer than friends. They aren't her family by blood but by shared laughter and pain; she loves them and she knows they love her, and she would sacrifice herself for them whenever, wherever.
Regardless of the past, Tiffany knows that she'd choose this present anytime.
The second meeting with the same representative had been more memorable than the first, and Tiffany hates how clearly she remembers it, the memory imprinted into her mind.
"SM Entertainment," he had begun, and a chill had run down her spine, "is a part of you. More than that, you are SME, and it is you. Every song you sing, choreography you dance, word you utter and move you make, belongs to SME."
He had paused and she had nodded. This was the same as their first meeting.
"Hwang Stephanie-sshi, you must understand this, and before I am permitted to tell you more, you must agree not to tell anyone anything I am about to disclose."
There hadn't been much she could do but nod and sign the form before her, and he gestured her to stand, leading her out of the office and to the lift. He swiped his clearance card, pushed the non-descript 26 button and motioned for her to stand beside him.
The next hour had been the most surreal of her life.
Level twenty-six hadn't been the usual -- dance practice rooms, recording studios, a cafeteria, offices or conference rooms. Level twenty-six was, quite simply, a laboratory.
Everywhere, it seemed like there was another scientist talking calmly with a girl or two, a stoic-faced representative standing behind them. Or a girl lying back on a chair similar to one in a dentist's surgery, a gentle light pulsing around her head as another girl spoke to her, reading off a fluttering piece of paper. Or another girl on the same chair, writhing in agony as a blue light surrounded her head.
"What is this?" Stephanie asked, forgetting herself.
"This is where dreams come true," he said, watching her calmly as her jaw dropped. "This is where idols are made."
He gestured to a scientist and he scurried over, his sneakers squeaking and his hair untidy.
"Yes?"
"Please explain to Hwang Stephanie-sshi the process to which she may be subjected."
"Yes." The scientist nodded, running a quick hand through his hair as he led them over to a cluttered desk. As they walked, Stephanie could see that the room was clearly split into two.
The left had the same dentist's chairs as well as multitudes of keyboards linked up to monitors lined up one after another, blank save for those hooked up to a girl. Most of those connected showed charts and diagrams Stephanie had seen before; pulses and heartbeats, blood pressure charts with numbers and cross sections of a brain. Some held simple information that Stephanie was surprised to find in English; the girl's name, date of birth, position in the company and any notable skills. Periodically, the same monitor would switch over to another screen with the same categories -- name, date of birth, position, skills -- but different details. Stephanie frowned.
The scientist's desk was in the half of the room detached from the beds; just rows and rows of tables heaped with monitors, separated by a makeshift curtain. The monitors, Stephanie was unnerved to find, mainly showed surveillance from the parts of the company building she was familiar with; dance studios, recording studios, and large empty empty rooms used miscellaneously. Some others showed a large, peaceful space with artificial foliage and beautiful wooden paneling she couldn't -- didn't -- recognise.
"Hwang Stephanie-sshi," the scientist said, and she slowly took a seat. "My name is Kwon Jaehyun. Before I can tell you anything, you must sign this form."
It looked like a standard confidentiality form, and she signed it.
"Stephanie-sshi." He inclined his head slowly, and she copied him cautiously. "What do you think goes on on this level?"
Stephanie licked her lips slowly. "He, I mean, the representative, he said this is where dreams come true. This is where you make idols."
"True, in a way. I'm going to assume you know the rumours concerning trainees, the rumours that never die?" At her look, he continued, ticking them off his fingers, "the trainee who hung herself in her room, the trainee who ran away to America, the hundreds of trainees who contemplate suicide, self-harm and quitting. The hundreds of trainees who have quit. Right?"
At her shocked expression, he offered a smile. "I used to be a trainee, too, I know all the stories. Anyway, all those stories are true. The girl who hung herself was named Taeyeon and an exceptional singer, before she killed herself. Park Yoochun was the one who ran away to America -- a fantastic singer but also a great composer and lyricist."
At the mention of Park Yoochun's name, Stephanie's eyes widened -- she couldn't be an aspiring artist and not know Park Yoochun, Micky Yoochun, part of the legendary TVXQ.
"Park Yoochun, as in, Micky Yoochun?"
"Park Yoochun did, in a sense, become Micky Yoochun. The original Park Yoochun is in the United States right now, or wherever he found himself after he left this company."
"But then, how does Micky Yoochun exist -- are they the same person?"
At this, Jaehyun smiled pityingly.
"Micky Yoochun exists because SM Entertainment willed it so. Stephanie-sshi, do you understand what we do here, yet? Those personalities -- the Taeyeons and Park Yoochuns -- who cracked under pressure, are given another chance in another body.
"Stephanie-sshi, we don't just make dreams come true; we make idols, to make those dreams come true."
After Stephanie was given a few minutes to process the information, Jaehyun showed her around the lab. The chairs, he explained, helped insert a persona and remove it by scanning the brain and imitating particular patterns and brainwaves. At regular intervals, the girls -- "Dolls," he called them -- would have to come in for Treatments to ensure that there weren't any problems or unusual brain activity. Afterall, the persona, the Imprint, would have to stay in place for up to five years.
Each Imprint was carefully stored on a fortified disc similar to an old video cassette, forming shelves and shelves of trainee history. Stephanie explained that once the company determined you had enough potential as an actor, a singer, dancer, composer, lyricist, rapper, MC -- anything they deemed important, worthwhile and profitable -- they'd carefully store your persona away. Just in case. It's all in the contract.
"And unless you become part of the process or end result, your memory is wiped of the information. Which actually brings us back to the original point -- why were you brought here?"
Stephanie shook her head slightly, overwhelmed by everything she'd just been told. Here she'd thought that the Korean idol industry was ruthless -- this went beyond that; turning people, living, breathing people into a commodity just for profit. If this was only the beginning of the journey, what would becoming an idol be like? Would she become a Doll, either figuratively or physically, to be played by the hands of management?
She suddenly remembered her first meeting with the representative -- You are SM Entertainment -- and how she had taken it as merely a test of her determination to becoming a trainee of the biggest idol company. Now, she recognised it as what it was; a warning, one that she had been too blind to notice.
But she had signed up for this, and accepted this as her life. There wasn't a question of 'can' or 'cannot'; only 'how high?' She could only follow company orders now, dealing with pressure on stage and living with members that only existed because the company created them. This was what the representative had meant, and as if called, he appeared once more.
"I'll take it from here."
The representative spoke up from behind her, and she flinched as Jaehyun bowed respectfully and disappeared.
"Hwang Stephanie-sshi?" She nodded slightly. "What Kwon Jaehyun failed to mention -- as all scientists do -- is that all Dolls require a Handler, someone to ensure that they're safe and out of danger. Dolls are placed in an incredibly stressful position and their brain is under a lot of pressure; Handlers are there to ensure that if their minds succumb to this pressure, that there is someone there who knows who they are and what to do. Each Doll is assigned one Handler they trust inexplicably. We believe you have what it takes to become a suitable Handler."
Here, he looked her straight in the eye.
"We would like to ask you to become a Handler, and if not, then to adopt an Imprint."
Stephanie took a steadying breath. This was no choice; she wouldn't give up five years.
"I'd like to become a Handler."
Joohyun had been introduced to her as a young girl who had been raised in an orphanage after her parents had died in a car crash. Stephanie knew what it was like to lose a parent, but she couldn't imagine what it'd be like to lose both at the same time -- to go from being loved and cared for to suddenly being alone in the world. She couldn't help but regard Joohyun with some pity, this girl before her standing so straight and tall for someone who must be so broken inside to practically give up her life.
Physically, she was perfect; she suited the Korean standards for attractiveness, had a voice that could be honed with enough training, and a listlessness that SM Entertainment seemed to favour. Her eyes said it all, I give up, you can take all you want from me. I have nothing left.
"Please, take this."
The sheet given to her, she was surprised to find, was neatly divided into two: an English script at the top labeled as 'Handler' and 'Doll' with the Korean translation just below. At a nod from Jaehyun, she took Joohyun's hand and started reading the hangul.
"Everything's going to be alright," Stephanie said, looking up into Joohyun's eyes. For a moment, Stephanie froze, unnerved at the amount of warmth she found in this stranger's eyes. Going from complete listlessness a minute ago, disillusioned at the world to this strange affection -- it was unnatural, and Stephanie's hand curled in on itself, crumpling the script in the process.
"Now that you're here," Joohyun replied softly.
"Do you trust me?" Stephanie's skin crawled with goosebumps as she said the words, and Joohyun smiled.
"With my life."
The next time Stephanie found a gap in her schedule, she visited Jaehyun, who persuaded her to visit Joohyun in the Quiet Area on level twenty-four.
"Tabula rasa," Jaehyun said as he pointed to one of the monitors in his office. Stephanie peered closer, remembering how it had seemed so out of place with the other screens displaying practice rooms and offices -- this one showed a calm, serene place with natural sunlight and vibrant greenery.
"Joohyun hasn't been Imprinted yet, so she's in a delicate state right now." Jaehyun paused as a girl strolled across the screen, dressed in a simple singlet and exercise pants. Stephanie swallowed as the girl's expression registered: completely blank but for a peaceful smile. This wasn't normal.
"Tabula rasa," Stephanie said in English, and Jaehyun smiled.
"A clean slate. The original purpose of Dolls, and Dollhouse, the company who basically founded this idea and made it reality, was to adopt multiple personalities, one after another, to serve their customers' purpose. Successively, day after day, the Dolls could adopt different personalities to suit the customers' need, whether it be the perfect wife or an idol. But there needs to be an in-between point between each Imprint -- if we layered them on top of one another without a blank page in between then the Imprints become mixed and basically, your brain would explode. Boom," he said, miming with his hands, and Stephanie smiled.
"So there's a blank stage between each Imprint, ensuring that the previous Imprint is completely gone by the time the next Imprint is implanted, and also giving the brain and body some rest. Joohyun is at that state now -- between her original personality and her Imprint as an idol. Right now, she is blank, tabula rasa, no personality, no memory, nothing to distinguish her from a newborn in terms of her mental capacity. It's important to bond with her at a Handler-Doll level when she's like this, so that she learns to trust you inexplicably, no matter the situation, and to always listen to you."
Jaehyun paused as he shuffled through a drawer and took out a card before sliding it quickly into his pocket.
"It's not as important as it would usually be in other situations for the Handler-Doll relationship to develop at such a subconscious level, but it wouldn't hurt. Let's go."
Level twenty-four was as different from level twenty-six as it could possibly be.
As soon as they exited the lifts, there was a lightness to the air, the absolute painstaking cleanliness of the offices gone. The whole floor was one open area exposed to sunlight pouring in generously through the glass windows, the only completely enclosed areas being the lifts and both doors on either side.
"Welcome to the Quiet Area," Jaehyun said softly, gesturing to the area where small desks littered with paper and paint.
Stephanie couldn't resist looking around as she walked slowly to where Joohyun was seated, silently painting a picture. As far as she could see, the whole level was filled with Dolls, girls in their teens to those she guessed were in their mid-20s, their faces free from any expression; jarringly childish and innocent in contrast to their physical age. Everywhere, they were blankly doing things -- showering in the large, circular structure made of frosted glass, stretching and seamlessly imitating the yoga instructor seated in the middle of the pond -- or just walking around with no definite purpose.
Stephanie couldn't help the chill running down her spine as she walked through the space, observing everyone and everything with the thick feeling that this was just wrong, the whole concept of created beings. The goosebumps didn't die down as she neared Joohyun's table, but she was able to force a friendly smile.
"Hello," she said, and Joohyun looked up with an automatic smile.
"Hello," she replied. She looked back down at her piece. "Do you like it?"
Stephanie took the sheet, slightly crinkled from the wetness of the paint. It was a simple painting of a house and a family, a bit messy and childlike, and she guessed that one of them was Joohyun.
"That's beautiful," Stephanie said, handing it back. Joohyun dropped it listlessly and turned her head away.
"I feel like swimming now." She stood and glided towards the pool, an attendant handing her a towel before Joohyun stripped down to her underwear and neatly dived in.
Stephanie stared for a moment as Joohyun cut through the water with clean, even strokes before Jaehyun tapped her on the shoulder. For a moment, she forgot where she was as she admired the lean line of Joohyun's body, and she looked down at the desk with the childish painting. Jaehyun spoke up as she picked up the painting delicately, fingers following the wet lines.
"That's enough for now. Let's go."
Joohyun was to be Imprinted as Seohyun, Jaehyun told her when they returned to his desk. A trainee who had died in a freak accident years ago, her parents had agreed for the Imprint to be used.
As Stephanie read through Seohyun's profile, she couldn't stop her jaw from dropping. Seohyun had been smart, studious, liked to read, was ambitious to an extent and liked to work and practice hard. In a single word, she was perfect -- the ideal idol and trainee. The original Seohyun had been a singer and a decent enough dancer to be shortlisted for a girl group before she had passed away.
"'Because Seohyun would've liked this, and we'd like her memory to live on,' is what they said," Jaehyun said as he dropped the letter in disgust, a twisted smile on his lips.
"I think that's sweet, to let her memory live on like this," Stephanie said softly, her fingers stained with paint. "Even if Seohyun didn't get her original dream of becoming a singer, she's helping someone else get theirs."
Jaehyun gave a short bark of laughter at those words, Stephanie still reading over Seohyun's profile, stained fingers underlining Deceased: 1999/12/28.
"Joohyun isn't even going to know what's going on. She's going to wake up in five years, depending, and see her face plastered everywhere, see that she's become a national, if not international, star and have no clue. Right now, Joohyun has no idea of her past or her future, either as Joohyun or as Seohyun. You can justify it like that, but it's pointless. It's a job."
"Then how do you justify it?" Stephanie finally asked, looking up. Jaehyun gave her the same twisted smile.
"I don't. These Dolls aren't people, so I shouldn't pretend to care about them or their Imprints. And you shouldn't either."
The next time Stephanie was summoned to the offices, still sweaty and out of breath from training, the same representative stood before her. It occurred to her that this was the third time she had met him and she still didn't know his name.
"Hwang Stephanie-sshi, in several months you will debut as part of the girls’ group, ‘Girls’ Generation.’ Please keep in mind your position within the group and also your Doll, Joohyun. As you are aware, Joohyun will be Imprinted as Seohyun this evening, a process you will be required to attend. As a precursor to this, you are to sign this disclosure statement agreeing that you will not tell anyone about the Doll process.”
He slid a sheet across the desk, and after a cursory glance, Stephanie signed it, hands slightly shaking. This was real. This was really going to happen.
“Furthermore, you will no longer attend the usual dancing or singing lessons but partake in dancing and singing lessons specifically designed for your debut - that is to say, you will be learning specific choreography and songs from now on. You will, however, attend your school lessons as per usual, as well as articulation, acting and etiquette lessons, though sessions regarding your choreography and songs will take precedence over these.”
Stephanie swallowed and nodded as he paused and shuffled through his sheets.
“And you are to be renamed - as SM Entertainment already has a Stephanie within the industry, you are to be renamed Tiffany.”
“Wait.” She paused as she waited for the cough to subside, her dry throat giving her away. Nervously, she licked her lips before continuing. “I won’t be Imprinted, will I?”
“Stephanie-sshi, I mean, Tiffany-sshi, you have already expressed your desire to become a Handler rather than a Doll, and you have already formed a Handler-Doll bond with Joohyun. No, you will not be Imprinted. Anything further?”
Stephanie shook her head.
“Good. You will be dismissed from your articulation lesson early this evening to be with Joohyun during the Imprinting session at 10PM.
"Congratulations on your debut, Tiffany-sshi.”
The Imprint was worse than the Handler session.
Stephanie had to resist covering her eyes as she watched the bright blue light engulf Joohyun’s delicate head, her body arching in pain and her mouth open in a breathless gasp. Her eyes had rolled to the back of her head and she was breathing shallowly, in small gasps as she tried to escape the pain, her arms straining against their rests.
Finally, it was over, Joohyun - no, Seohyun, now - collapsing in a dead heap on the chair. Jaehyun looked at Stephanie expectantly, and she stepped forward hesitantly.
"Tiffany," Jaehyun said loudly, "say hello to Seohyun."
Seohyun slowly lifted her head and smiled beautifully, hopping off the chair as if she hadn't been writhing in pain earlier.
"Hello," she greeted, bowing so low Stephanie was surprised her hair wasn't sweeping the floor. "I'm Seohyun. It's nice to meet you."
"Hi," Stephanie replied, bowing her head a fraction. "I'm Steph - uh, I'm Tiffany, nice to meet you."
"Hello Tiffany, I'm sure we'll get along. Please take care of me."
Jaehyun watched, amused, as Stephanie bowed again to Seohyun's enthusiastic ninty-degree bows.
"Likewise."
Training and living with Girls' Generation was actually better than what it used to be. Stephanie still got to be with her old friends during her other lessons and during school, but being with eight other girls she knew she'd be stuck with for at least five years was a different experience in itself. It also meant that they were still walking on glass around each after even after a month together.
Stephanie learnt that to Girls' Generation, she had to be Tiffany. She had to be herself, but more - more loveable, more idol-like, and more Korean. To Seohyun, she was never Stephanie, always "Tiffany-unni! Fany-unni!"
It was weird. It was thrilling. It felt like she had pulled on another skin, tight around her own that was comfortable until she moved in the wrong direction and it dug into her and cut her. On some days, she just wanted to be Stephanie, good old American Stephanie with some toast in the morning, a t-shirt and sweats on as she lounged around on the sofa watching sitcoms and Oprah and TV shows, not variety shows or dramas. She wanted to be able to speak English to everyone she knew and to be able to curse without being judged.
But she was learning to be Korean Tiffany, learnt to turn around when that accent sounded and a cheerful "Fany!" would be calling from the kitchen or living room. She also understood that although she hadn't been Imprinted, there was this clear distinction of life before Girls' Generation and life with and after it.
And sometimes, she didn't know which she preferred.
Compared to everything their teachers and coaches had told them, debut was almost too easy. The anticipation and nervousness that had preceded the actual stage that was only, in reality, a few minutes long, had Tiffany almost disappointed. She had worked so hard, for so long, for just a few minutes?
"Don't worry unni," Seohyun said as she flicked her fringe. "This is only the beginning."
"Aren't I meant to be comforting you?" Tiffany said with a good natured smile, and the yelp when she smothered Seohyun in a hug was almost worth it.
Seohyun was right, and the months that came after that first performance was what Tiffany had ached for back in America, felt in her blood and bones during training and was finally living as she occupied the stage week after week. It was a tiring job, but not thankless, and Tiffany treasured the fans more than she could put into words.
That was, until Dream Concert '08.
Backstage, it was as it always was at a largescale concert -- stagehands running back and forth, technicians screaming into mics and idols being pushed towards the stage or sent back to their dressing room. It was a mess, but not an uncomfortable one.
Tiffany was in the Girls' Generation changeroom with the rest of the girls, idly watching Yoona practise the choreography before Hyoyeon took pity on her and walked over, fixing the angle of her elbow. It was relatively quiet but for nervous chatter, Taeyeon singing under her breath and Jessica faking calm while reading a magazine.
"Oppa!"
Tiffany looked up at the word, pulling a bit of skin free from between her nails. Taeyeon was beaming at the doorway as Leeteuk walked through, a hand held up in greeting as the rest of Super Junior followed.
"Nervous?" Tiffany turned at the voice, and was surprised to see Siwon.
"Maybe a little, yeah," she said, and his throaty chuckle almost made her blush.
"Don't worry." Siwon hesitated a bit before placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Don't listen to the rumours."
"Rumours?" Stephanie blinked, running a hand up and down her other arm apprehensively. "What rumours?"
Siwon bit his lip, looking almost pained before a small 'ooph' alerted Tiffany to Donghae's presence, Donghae looking inquiringly over Siwon's shoulder after his glomp-tackle-hug attack.
"Oh, hello Fany!"
"Hi Donghae." Tiffany grinned as Siwon dumped Donghae on the chair, looking long suffering.
"Shouldn't you be talking to Jessica, Mister Flirt?" Tiffany teased, and Donghae rolled his eyes.
"She's a bit mad at me, so I'm avoiding her for now." He pouted and Siwon rolled his eyes back.
"What happened to being 'ladies' man Lee Donghae!'"
"I have no idea what you're talking about -- oh hey look, Yoona's looking for you!" Donghae pushed Siwon's backside firmly in the general direction of Yoona, and Tiffany had to stifle a laugh as Siwon gracefully fell in a heap.
"Be nicer to oppa."
"Nice? I'm always nice to him! I have no idea what you're talking about, Tiffany." Donghae grinned brightly and Tiffany giggled into her hand.
"Uh huh, oppa is always so nice, oppa is so perfect, oppa is so wonderful, oppa, I love you!" She laughed as she mimed a heart and Donghae cooed back.
"That's right! I am always nice and perfect and wonderful. Oppa loves you too." He reached over and engulfed her in a tight hug, burying his head into her shoulder. She laughed as she pushed at him gently, harder when he didn't budged, and finally after tickling him, he squirmed and surrendered, sitting back with a smile, hair slightly mussed.
Not one for taking the blame, she gently pulled his fringe into place as Donghae made faces, before his face eventually became neutral.
"How you going for nerves?"
She quickly glanced down at his earnest eyes, and she smiled a little. "Fine, not too bad. It's just Dream Concert, you know, pretty big for just us."
He laughed a little at that. "Small fry, is that what you guys are? Then what are SHINee?"
"Dongsaengs," she sang softly before she patted his cheek and sat back, admiring her work. It looked relatively neat and deliberately bed-hair styled.
"You didn't hear half the things that were said in the company while Girls' Generation was being assembled, you know," he said, still smiling. It wasn't the joking one anymore, but more sincere and serious. "Group of half Dolls and half Handlers. Going to be the girlgroup of the industry, you know? Take Korea by storm."
Donghae smiled wider then, as Tiffany slowly processed the information. Group of half Dolls, half Handlers.
"You mean... there are more groups with Dolls?" she asked carefully, and he laughed lightly.
"What, you thought you'd be the first? No way. I'm the Handler to Siwon, Sungmin's Handler to Eunhyuk, Heechul to Hankyung and Leeteuk to Kangin. TVXQ too, and you can bet that SHINee would have at least one Handler-Doll pair." Donghae shrugged, nonchalant as Tiffany's mind reeled. She'd forgotten -- Jaehyun had even mentioned it before. Micky Yoochun exists because SME willed it so.
"Hey, Fany, you okay?" Donghae concerned eyes found hers, and she nodded blankly. He frowned. "I thought you knew? It's just surprising because in Girls' Generation there are more Dolls than there are Handlers, and that just seemed too much of a risk before. I guess they decided to take it with you guys, though."
"Right," Tiffany said breathlessly. "More Dolls than Handlers." Sometimes she forgot that half, over half, of Girls' Generation were creations of SME, different personalities and memories put into a halfway decent body. Because to her, they weren't Dolls anymore but Taeyeon, Yuri, Yoona, Sooyoung, and of course, Seohyun. They were her girls, not just Dolls.
"Yeah, a bit unusual," Donghae commented. "But whatever, the important thing is Girls' Generation is here now and you're going to put on an awesome performance. Girls' Generation, fighting!"
At his quick grin, she raised her fist too. "Fighting!"
If Tiffany had a wish, it would be that Dream Concert '08 had never happened.
The silence as they sang and danced their hearts out, the cheers that weren't their names and the endless darkness with only some feeble pink lighting were heartbreaking, and she wanted to do nothing more than forgo singing and dancing and give them a piece of her mind. Maybe yell or scream, because wasn't a fan being about supporting not just your favourite group, but all artists? What was the point of going to a large scale concert if all you were going to do was hate on a group? Tiffany wanted to just sit and cry tears of frustration -- this wasn't the reality she wanted.
But the choreography and lyrics were ingrained into her very being, and she kept that perky smile up, dancing with the other girls as they attempted to ignore the blatant hate that was in front of them.
Backstage, it was a different story.
It was deathly silent in the changeroom, and she knew that Siwon was hovering somewhere behind her, shooting her concerned looks but Tiffany needed silence. She needed solitude now, scared that she might bite someone's tongue off in misplaced anger, so she stood up and excused herself. After a few minutes avoiding other idols and stagehands' inquiring eyes, she found an empty, unused room, and curled up in one of the makeup chairs, staring at her own stage self still dressed in the Girls' Generation costume with stage make up on.
Girls' Generation, honestly, was a dream come true. She didn't regret her decision to move here from America and leave her family behind to do what she loved. And she didn't regret joining Girls' Generation either.
But now, she wasn't so sure.
This wasn't what she had imagined after working so hard and for so long. Girls' Generation was meant to be an opportunity of a lifetime, and one she would enjoy, not hate and regret. She could feel the frustration bubbling up in her as she entertained the thoughts, tears prickling her eyes.
Tiffany knew Girls' Generation had antis -- every group did -- which was why she had learned to read their comments with a strong heart, sometimes knowing to simply scroll past them and read their fans' encouraging words instead. But sometimes those comments dug under her skin and rested there comfortably, lying in wait until she was at her best, her happiest after a successful fanmeet or nailing a piece of choreography, and it lashed out.
Talentless group, half of them aren't even pretty and the other half have had surgery to get this far anyway.
Can any of them even sing? What's the use of becoming a band if none of the members can even sing?
Did you hear about that member, Sunny, and how she probably used connections to get her place? The rest of them probably slept their way in; it's not like any of them are especially talented or pretty.
That last performance of theirs was disgusting. I had to cover my ears to get through it thanks to all that terrible singing, and they couldn't even dance in sync. They're only getting all this popularity because of their company anyway.
The worst part was that as Tiffany remembered those words, there was a tiny grain of truth in each. They did gain popularity because of their company and sunbaes' hard work, but that didn't mean they didn't work equally as hard to get where they were now. And without the Doll technology, half of them wouldn't be here because they didn't seek this out. It found them, and it created them. Without the Doll technology, Girls' Generation wouldn't exist.
Maybe there was a reason behind avoiding a half Handler half Doll band until now. The Doll process was unnatural in itself, and Tiffany shuddered as she remembered the pain Seohyun had endured to gain this Imprint. Wasn't it cruel to put a Doll through that each time they had to gain an Imprint?
Each person was unique, created by God. To play at God and change someone in that way, to completely obliterate the personality created by God Himself and replace it by man-made means was wrong. It wasn't right, and it shouldn't be done. She must've been blind not to notice it before, but the whole process shouldn't even exist.
Dolls were acts of open defiance against God just to benefit the company and get more revenue. Greed was in play here, and Tiffany despaired to think that she was part of this, helping the company defy God just for money. If she could, she would quit, rid her hands of this and leave, never looking back.
But; Seohyun. As a Handler, she'd agreed to take care of Seohyun regardless of what happened, even if she shed the Imprint, as long as they were both in the company. She had given her word by signing the contract, legally bound to this obligation and to the company, but just the thought of Seohyun -- her sweet smile and honest eyes -- made Tiffany sick. Seohyun was beautiful and a sweet girl, but she was a creation and shouldn't exist. Seohyun was born as Joohyun, and she should stay that way.
Tiffany tried to justify it; Joohyun had been suffering mentally and physically in that environment, and she became better as a result of the Imprint. Seohyun was happy, at least, but there was no telling what Joohyun was like. Jaehyun had said that becoming a Doll was like falling asleep for a long period of time, but it seemed more than that. Was Joohyun dreaming -- was she even technically alive right now? It was technically Joohyun's body that Seohyun was occupying so she was still technically alive, but could you call it Joohyun's if Seohyun's soul was occupying the space?
Tiffany stared deep into her own eyes, outlined in thin, black eyeliner, reminding her that she had changed, too. Was she still Stephanie Hwang, American-born-Korean, nineteen years old and baby of her family? Or was she Tiffany, part of girl group Girls' Generation, tipped to take Korea by storm? Had she changed so much that she wasn't comfortable calling herself Stephanie anymore?
No, she was still Stephanie, but she was Tiffany as well. She'd always be Stephanie somewhere deep inside; Tiffany was just another part of her that more people knew and loved. Tiffany was all the loveable parts of her as one person, made into a persona. Maybe she was close to being a Doll, but this was natural; God had given her a chance and she had taken it, and this was just a consequence.
Tiffany took a breath. She knew her place in the world and she was proud of it; she had gained it rightfully. She wouldn't doubt it now.
Back at the dorms, they were throwing a pity party.
Chocolate and cake stashes were broken out, television turned on full blast to a heartbreaking movie and lights turn off. Everyone was snuggling under a comfort blanket while hugging a comfort pillow or soft toy, and a tissue box was making it rounds.
"It's cathartic to cry," Taeyeon had said as she determinedly plugged in the usually-taboo television and connected the DVD player. A manager tried to stop her, but she glared at him, eyes red rimmed, and he backed off before telling her to make sure everyone was ready the next morning at six.
They were watching Titanic, and half of them were squashed on to the chairs, the rest sprawled on the floor. It was their go-to for catharsis, as Taeyeon liked to call it, and Tiffany couldn't helped the pained thought -- this was all part of the Imprint, this wasn't the real Taeyeon.
Seohyun was squashed up against Tiffany's side, elbow painfully digging into her ribcage and head on her shoulder. Every time she shifted, Tiffany couldn’t help but wince as her earlier thoughts came to mind, so much so that Sunny on her other side asked if she was alright.
"Fine," Tiffany said softly as the music swelled and Jack smiled at Rose, twirling her in a large circle as the ballroom glittered around them.
"Great, then stop fidgeting," Sunny bit back, eyes trained on screen. Tiffany was ready to retaliate until she remembered that this was how Sunny was naturally, how Sunkyu was, no Imprint needed, and she relaxed.
Living with the thought that Dolls were unnatural and a sin against God wasn't easy, but she had constant reminders that it was okay, that they were people too. Jessica, Sunny and Hyoyeon were all Handlers and seemed at ease with the fact, reassuring their Dolls when needed, sometimes paying special attention to them, but otherwise treating them as if they were normal human beings.
Tiffany was learning the reason behind Jaehyun's bitter, final advice to distance herself from her Doll. They were people, but unnaturally so, wrongfully so. But she was still Handler to Seohyun and had a responsibility to her, so Tiffany accepted that this was how it would be.
That is, until one night, they were all woken by Seohyun's thrashing in bed, her pitiful moans and the fear in her eyes when she had woken up.
"Could you please get Fany-unni," she had pleaded to Taeyeon, and hurt flashed in her eyes even as Sunny quickly ran off, remembering who was her Handler.
"Seohyun?" Tiffany asked softly, blanket heavy around her shoulders as she sat. "Did you have a nightmare?"
Seohyun nodded as Tiffany pulled her into a hug, her mind still too sleep-addled to properly register her usual thoughts.
"Tell me?" Tiffany prompted, and Seohyun started in a quiet voice.
It started off peacefully.
Seohyun was standing in front of a house she never knew - a large double storey fairytale with a large garden and a white picket fence. It was beautiful, everything she had ever dreamed of, and she watched as a child ran around it in her dream, ribbons in her long, beautifully flowing hair, always wearing a blue dress.
She then turned away to walk through the garden, admiring the beautiful flowers and sweet scent saturating the air. It was then the dream took an ominous turn, and the sky darkened dramatically until it was nighttime and she began running up the path between hedges taller than her, urging herself to go faster though she couldn't pinpoint the reason she was compelled to do so. Lightening flashed and thunder followed, so loud she could feel her bones vibrating, but no rain fell and her skin chilled, goosebumps rising as if called.
Finally, when she felt as if her legs will break if she continued, a dark shape appeared. Seohyun slowed until she was just walking, knowing she had to continue but dreading the destination.
It was then that she awoke with apprehension and sweat pouring down her face, panicked but for no reason she could place.
"It was so scary, unni. I felt like I couldn't control myself, that I was just running blindly towards this, this thing I knew was bad but I just couldn't stop myself."
Tiffany hesitantly stroked Seohyun's back, her own thoughts clouding her judgement. She can't stop herself from helping Seohyun, and she remembered the words Jaehyun had told her.
"Everything's going to be alright," she said, and guilt settled in as she felt Seohyun relax slightly.
"Now that you're here," she murmured sleepily.
"Do you trust me?" Tiffany asked as she laid Seohyun back in bed, everyone already asleep again. She tucked the blanket up to her chin, and Seohyun blinked, smiling slowly.
"With my life." With that, Seohyun was asleep even as Tiffany's heart weighed heavy with remorse.
One night turned into two, two turned into four, and it was a week of Seohyun waking up with a breathless gasp, nightmare clouding her subconscious, before Tiffany acknowledged that Seohyun needed help. Tiffany knew that she should probably talk to Jaehyun about this, but there wasn't anytime between practices, performances, interviews, and everything each individual member had in between. So she turned to the next possibility: the Handlers themselves.
"Seohyun's been having nightmares," Tiffany started, and Sunny rolled her eyes.
"We know, it's not like we don't live in the same dorm," she said, and Tiffany angrily stuffed a mandarin slice into Sunny's mouth.
"We... know," Hyoyeon said, after a glance at Sunny furiously chewing through the fruit. "Is there any reason you wanted to talk to... us about it?"
Us, the Handlers. It was unspoken, but understood, the four of them crammed into the back of a van on the way to another interview. They had to be careful with the rest of the band upfront with the manager they all knew as Taeyeon's Handler.
"I don't think it's caused by stress or nerves, or any of the usual things," Tiffany continued slowly. Jessica's eyebrows rose.
"You think it's caused by something else?"
Tiffany paused. "Possibly a bad memory?"
They all understood what she meant, but still frowned.
"Maybe she should go for a Treatment?" Hyoyeon suggested, and Tiffany leaned across Sunny to get closer.
"A what?"
"Treatment," Sunny hissed. "Just mention the word at her and then take her to level twenty-six. She'll probably stay at twenty-four overnight but she'll be fine in the morning and meet us at practice."
"You mean--" Tiffany started.
"Yeah, Yuri went for one last week," Jessica said, stealing a mandarin slice. Great, they were all going to smell like citrus. "You need one every few months because it's a delicate process."
Delicate process. Tiffany was almost amused at all the terminology they had to use, but the worry was outweighing it. Worry and guilt. She wondered if they felt the same, as Handlers towards their Dolls.
She sat back in her seat, eating the rest of her mandarin as she watched the city speed by outside. By the time she finished and they reached their destination, she was determined to ask each Handler their opinion, hoping they'd be able to reassure her.
After the group interview, each member was to be taken aside once more to be interviewed individually while another took some solo shots. At the first opportunity, Tiffany pulled Sunny aside on the pretext of being worried about their new song.
"Is this about Seohyun?" Sunny asked, amused as they sat in an empty room, door firmly locked.
"That, and a bit more." Tiffany frowned lightly, wondering how to best ask her.
"Spit it out. Just say whatever you want to say, don't keep it in." Tiffany looked up as Sunny smiled, shrugging a bit. "Don't hesitate. We're bandmates, so nothing is taboo."
"It's about, well, it's about the Doll-Handler process." Sunny frowned. "I mean, don't you feel a bit weird, knowing that Sooyoung isn't really Sooyoung? Physically, she's the exact same as she was before the Imprint, but what about her previous personality? Playing with human beings like that, taking our their memories, personality and soul and just inserting another one, don't you find that wrong?"
Sunny's frown deepened as she considered the words. The silence stretched between them as Tiffany tried to find more words. She opened her mouth before Sunny put a hand up.
"No, I know what you mean, you don't have to keep going. That might be how you think of it, but think of this way -- all these souls never got a chance to live the life they wanted, because of fear or a freak accident. We're giving them another chance at doing what they always loved, in another body. And the body, or body's soul or whatever, already gave their consent. There's nothing wrong with that if consent is given."
Tiffany mirrored Sunny's earlier frown.
"But we're playing at God, and that, that isn't right. It shouldn't be done. Life, and the soul -- we're just borrowing them from God, because He created them, we don't have ownership over them."
Sunny smiled at that.
"But God gave them to us to use as we wish. If we wanted to go to sleep for five years, then I'm sure God can understand that, especially to escape the horrors of life. And isn't God all forgiving? He forgives those who commit suicide, because he understands the pain we go through. Tiffany, it's okay to have doubts, but remember that Seohyun is a person too -- maybe she doesn't own the body she's in, maybe that's stealing, but when there's consent involved, doesn't that mean it's giving and acceptance, then? Think about it, Fany."
Tiffany wasn't sure about approaching Hyoyeon after Sunny, but it wasn't give-and-take when it was someone's body. The body was sacred, as was the mind and soul, and they all worked together to create a human being, as God made it to be. They couldn't be separated.
"Don't you think it's wrong, that all these Imprints are basically taking over Dolls' bodies?" Tiffany all but demanded, trying to organise her mind. "These bodies were given to us by God, and the mind, body and soul are tied too closely together for us to break the bond."
"Have you been talking to Sunny?" she asked instead, downing a bottle of water. Tiffany stayed silent, and apparently that was answer enough. Hyoyeon shrugged.
"I had the same questions, after I talked with her. She said something about consent, right?" Tiffany nodded, and Hyoyeon nodded back. "She's right, you know. These bodies were given to us by God, but we already shape them to our own purposes -- we work out, exercise, eat, and of course, get surgery. Then why not take that extra step? The bond between mind, body and soul must not be that strong if science can separate it so easily. And consent is important, after all; it's the difference between love and rape."
Tiffany disgusted face said it all as Hyoyeon laughed.
"No, but really," Hyoyeon continued. "Consent is what makes the difference. And remember that all things happen or exist because He willed it so."
"I heard what you've been asking the others," Jessica said as she stood in front of Tiffany, who was getting her makeup done.
"Yeah?" Tiffany said, trying not to move her face. She dared a glance at the stylist, but Jessica nodded as she slumped elegantly into another makeup chair, the entire room empty but for the three of them.
"She knows about the process. Personally, I think it's weird, and unnatural, and we really shouldn't do it." Tiffany's eyes widened -- someone who agreed. "But, I also know they're people, and they deserve a second chance. Forgiveness, right? Everyone deserves a second chance, especially when you screw up as big as these guys did."
"Right," Tiffany said warily as the stylist moved on to her hair.
"I love Yuri, and I love Taeyeon as well, and Sooyoung, and Yoona, and Seohyun. We're all family, and I know that you love Seohyun too. Don't make this harder than yourself; just let things be, and it'll all work out." Jessica flashed a bright smile as she stood, just the right amount of teeth showing and eyebrows perked perfectly.
We're all creations of SME anyway, Tiffany thought as she watched herself be created in the mirror. Can't escape it.
It didn't end up being a life changing decision. Life went on as it always did.
Tiffany knew that these thoughts had been provoked by one event that could have easily not happened -- only by some weird twist of fate did it end up being like this. She could've easily gone on unsuspecting anything, ready to whisk Seohyun away to a Treatment if that's what would fix her nightmares. She wouldn't had thought twice about it if Dream Concert '08 hadn't happened, and she wondered if this was meant to be, if she was meant to question all this.
In the end, she knew the result would've been the same -- Seohyun would go in for a treatment, revert back to tabula rasa and then be Imprinted again as Seohyun. To Seohyun, nothing would've changed while Tiffany would have had to deal with a changed Seohyun, even if only minutely. But Tiffany would learn how to deal with it -- Jessica, Sunny and Hyoyeon had as well, after all -- and then. Then what? She couldn't go on questioning like this all the time if it meant attacking her friends, distancing herself from them when they were people, and people she loved.
Girls' Generation is her family; with Tiffany's heart and soul, she can scream it from every rooftop in Seoul if that's what it took. She values them more than her life, and would happily give it up if it was required. Because Girls' Generation is what fate brought her to, and she accepts it happily, with open arms.
And because Tiffany knows that regardless of the past, she'd choose the present at any time.
"Seohyun," Tiffany asked softly, interrupting Seohyun's reading. "Would you like a treatment?"
Seohyun placed the book aside, smiling as she looked up at Tiffany. "Yes, please."
---
Again, thanks to my team for everything, even if we didn't win ;; A DVD Commentary can be found here! Warning that it was written at 2AM-ish so it isn't very coherent but for anyone interested in most of my thought process, go ahead and click~ (Advised that you keep this fic open at the same time and just scroll as you go along)
Rating: pg-13 (contains religious references)
Pairing/focus: tiffany-centric (mentions of platonic/friendship tiffany/seohyun)
Summary: Dollhouse!AR (Alternate Reality/AU). Tiffany is about to be accepted into SME and Girls' Generation, but the company is more underhanded than she thinks.
Note: thank you to all my betas, you know who you are -- mostly, for holding my hand, providing encouragement and making me write when all i wanted to do was give up :( you guys are the best ♥ and also thank you to our team mod for being so supportive and kind :) ♥ title is taken from The Script's album and song by the same name.
written for kpop_olymfics and team canon/AR. originally posted here. (for the prompt(s): SNSD - Run Devil Run and this prompt ('Thank you for calling/standing near me/being concerned. But I am not here right now. I am somewhere else. But you cannot reach me. Please leave me at the sound of the beep.')
---
The first rule in entering the company had been clear; Your first and foremost concern is SM Entertainment. Your utmost love and loyalty will be shown towards it, and nothing comes before it. Your manners, posture and way of speaking all belong to SM Entertainment. You are SM Entertainment.
This was what they told Stephanie when she joined the company, straight off the bat.
"Hwang Stephanie-sshi," the representative had addressed her, and she steeled herself. Not Stephanie Hwang, but Hwang Stephanie. "Please understand that these are the conditions you will be expected to adhere to and follow if you wish to join us. Do you agree?"
"Yes." No hesitation. "Of course."
There are times Tiffany wishes she had listened to her father and stayed in America. She sometimes wishes that she had had the opportunity to grow up as a normal, teenage girl.
But Tiffany also knows that given the chance, she'd choose Girls' Generation, every time. First it had been about doing what she loved -- singing and dancing onstage with white stagelights burning into her retinas, the feeling of success coursing through her veins. But then Girls' Generation came into the mix, and all the friendships and relationships born from that just made the whole experience all the much more enjoyable and lovable.
The bond between the nine of them is unbreakable despite the setbacks and the wavering friendships. Because the nine of them have been through Hell and back together, seen each other at their worst but also their best, and become closer than friends. They aren't her family by blood but by shared laughter and pain; she loves them and she knows they love her, and she would sacrifice herself for them whenever, wherever.
Regardless of the past, Tiffany knows that she'd choose this present anytime.
The second meeting with the same representative had been more memorable than the first, and Tiffany hates how clearly she remembers it, the memory imprinted into her mind.
"SM Entertainment," he had begun, and a chill had run down her spine, "is a part of you. More than that, you are SME, and it is you. Every song you sing, choreography you dance, word you utter and move you make, belongs to SME."
He had paused and she had nodded. This was the same as their first meeting.
"Hwang Stephanie-sshi, you must understand this, and before I am permitted to tell you more, you must agree not to tell anyone anything I am about to disclose."
There hadn't been much she could do but nod and sign the form before her, and he gestured her to stand, leading her out of the office and to the lift. He swiped his clearance card, pushed the non-descript 26 button and motioned for her to stand beside him.
The next hour had been the most surreal of her life.
Level twenty-six hadn't been the usual -- dance practice rooms, recording studios, a cafeteria, offices or conference rooms. Level twenty-six was, quite simply, a laboratory.
Everywhere, it seemed like there was another scientist talking calmly with a girl or two, a stoic-faced representative standing behind them. Or a girl lying back on a chair similar to one in a dentist's surgery, a gentle light pulsing around her head as another girl spoke to her, reading off a fluttering piece of paper. Or another girl on the same chair, writhing in agony as a blue light surrounded her head.
"What is this?" Stephanie asked, forgetting herself.
"This is where dreams come true," he said, watching her calmly as her jaw dropped. "This is where idols are made."
He gestured to a scientist and he scurried over, his sneakers squeaking and his hair untidy.
"Yes?"
"Please explain to Hwang Stephanie-sshi the process to which she may be subjected."
"Yes." The scientist nodded, running a quick hand through his hair as he led them over to a cluttered desk. As they walked, Stephanie could see that the room was clearly split into two.
The left had the same dentist's chairs as well as multitudes of keyboards linked up to monitors lined up one after another, blank save for those hooked up to a girl. Most of those connected showed charts and diagrams Stephanie had seen before; pulses and heartbeats, blood pressure charts with numbers and cross sections of a brain. Some held simple information that Stephanie was surprised to find in English; the girl's name, date of birth, position in the company and any notable skills. Periodically, the same monitor would switch over to another screen with the same categories -- name, date of birth, position, skills -- but different details. Stephanie frowned.
The scientist's desk was in the half of the room detached from the beds; just rows and rows of tables heaped with monitors, separated by a makeshift curtain. The monitors, Stephanie was unnerved to find, mainly showed surveillance from the parts of the company building she was familiar with; dance studios, recording studios, and large empty empty rooms used miscellaneously. Some others showed a large, peaceful space with artificial foliage and beautiful wooden paneling she couldn't -- didn't -- recognise.
"Hwang Stephanie-sshi," the scientist said, and she slowly took a seat. "My name is Kwon Jaehyun. Before I can tell you anything, you must sign this form."
It looked like a standard confidentiality form, and she signed it.
"Stephanie-sshi." He inclined his head slowly, and she copied him cautiously. "What do you think goes on on this level?"
Stephanie licked her lips slowly. "He, I mean, the representative, he said this is where dreams come true. This is where you make idols."
"True, in a way. I'm going to assume you know the rumours concerning trainees, the rumours that never die?" At her look, he continued, ticking them off his fingers, "the trainee who hung herself in her room, the trainee who ran away to America, the hundreds of trainees who contemplate suicide, self-harm and quitting. The hundreds of trainees who have quit. Right?"
At her shocked expression, he offered a smile. "I used to be a trainee, too, I know all the stories. Anyway, all those stories are true. The girl who hung herself was named Taeyeon and an exceptional singer, before she killed herself. Park Yoochun was the one who ran away to America -- a fantastic singer but also a great composer and lyricist."
At the mention of Park Yoochun's name, Stephanie's eyes widened -- she couldn't be an aspiring artist and not know Park Yoochun, Micky Yoochun, part of the legendary TVXQ.
"Park Yoochun, as in, Micky Yoochun?"
"Park Yoochun did, in a sense, become Micky Yoochun. The original Park Yoochun is in the United States right now, or wherever he found himself after he left this company."
"But then, how does Micky Yoochun exist -- are they the same person?"
At this, Jaehyun smiled pityingly.
"Micky Yoochun exists because SM Entertainment willed it so. Stephanie-sshi, do you understand what we do here, yet? Those personalities -- the Taeyeons and Park Yoochuns -- who cracked under pressure, are given another chance in another body.
"Stephanie-sshi, we don't just make dreams come true; we make idols, to make those dreams come true."
After Stephanie was given a few minutes to process the information, Jaehyun showed her around the lab. The chairs, he explained, helped insert a persona and remove it by scanning the brain and imitating particular patterns and brainwaves. At regular intervals, the girls -- "Dolls," he called them -- would have to come in for Treatments to ensure that there weren't any problems or unusual brain activity. Afterall, the persona, the Imprint, would have to stay in place for up to five years.
Each Imprint was carefully stored on a fortified disc similar to an old video cassette, forming shelves and shelves of trainee history. Stephanie explained that once the company determined you had enough potential as an actor, a singer, dancer, composer, lyricist, rapper, MC -- anything they deemed important, worthwhile and profitable -- they'd carefully store your persona away. Just in case. It's all in the contract.
"And unless you become part of the process or end result, your memory is wiped of the information. Which actually brings us back to the original point -- why were you brought here?"
Stephanie shook her head slightly, overwhelmed by everything she'd just been told. Here she'd thought that the Korean idol industry was ruthless -- this went beyond that; turning people, living, breathing people into a commodity just for profit. If this was only the beginning of the journey, what would becoming an idol be like? Would she become a Doll, either figuratively or physically, to be played by the hands of management?
She suddenly remembered her first meeting with the representative -- You are SM Entertainment -- and how she had taken it as merely a test of her determination to becoming a trainee of the biggest idol company. Now, she recognised it as what it was; a warning, one that she had been too blind to notice.
But she had signed up for this, and accepted this as her life. There wasn't a question of 'can' or 'cannot'; only 'how high?' She could only follow company orders now, dealing with pressure on stage and living with members that only existed because the company created them. This was what the representative had meant, and as if called, he appeared once more.
"I'll take it from here."
The representative spoke up from behind her, and she flinched as Jaehyun bowed respectfully and disappeared.
"Hwang Stephanie-sshi?" She nodded slightly. "What Kwon Jaehyun failed to mention -- as all scientists do -- is that all Dolls require a Handler, someone to ensure that they're safe and out of danger. Dolls are placed in an incredibly stressful position and their brain is under a lot of pressure; Handlers are there to ensure that if their minds succumb to this pressure, that there is someone there who knows who they are and what to do. Each Doll is assigned one Handler they trust inexplicably. We believe you have what it takes to become a suitable Handler."
Here, he looked her straight in the eye.
"We would like to ask you to become a Handler, and if not, then to adopt an Imprint."
Stephanie took a steadying breath. This was no choice; she wouldn't give up five years.
"I'd like to become a Handler."
Joohyun had been introduced to her as a young girl who had been raised in an orphanage after her parents had died in a car crash. Stephanie knew what it was like to lose a parent, but she couldn't imagine what it'd be like to lose both at the same time -- to go from being loved and cared for to suddenly being alone in the world. She couldn't help but regard Joohyun with some pity, this girl before her standing so straight and tall for someone who must be so broken inside to practically give up her life.
Physically, she was perfect; she suited the Korean standards for attractiveness, had a voice that could be honed with enough training, and a listlessness that SM Entertainment seemed to favour. Her eyes said it all, I give up, you can take all you want from me. I have nothing left.
"Please, take this."
The sheet given to her, she was surprised to find, was neatly divided into two: an English script at the top labeled as 'Handler' and 'Doll' with the Korean translation just below. At a nod from Jaehyun, she took Joohyun's hand and started reading the hangul.
"Everything's going to be alright," Stephanie said, looking up into Joohyun's eyes. For a moment, Stephanie froze, unnerved at the amount of warmth she found in this stranger's eyes. Going from complete listlessness a minute ago, disillusioned at the world to this strange affection -- it was unnatural, and Stephanie's hand curled in on itself, crumpling the script in the process.
"Now that you're here," Joohyun replied softly.
"Do you trust me?" Stephanie's skin crawled with goosebumps as she said the words, and Joohyun smiled.
"With my life."
The next time Stephanie found a gap in her schedule, she visited Jaehyun, who persuaded her to visit Joohyun in the Quiet Area on level twenty-four.
"Tabula rasa," Jaehyun said as he pointed to one of the monitors in his office. Stephanie peered closer, remembering how it had seemed so out of place with the other screens displaying practice rooms and offices -- this one showed a calm, serene place with natural sunlight and vibrant greenery.
"Joohyun hasn't been Imprinted yet, so she's in a delicate state right now." Jaehyun paused as a girl strolled across the screen, dressed in a simple singlet and exercise pants. Stephanie swallowed as the girl's expression registered: completely blank but for a peaceful smile. This wasn't normal.
"Tabula rasa," Stephanie said in English, and Jaehyun smiled.
"A clean slate. The original purpose of Dolls, and Dollhouse, the company who basically founded this idea and made it reality, was to adopt multiple personalities, one after another, to serve their customers' purpose. Successively, day after day, the Dolls could adopt different personalities to suit the customers' need, whether it be the perfect wife or an idol. But there needs to be an in-between point between each Imprint -- if we layered them on top of one another without a blank page in between then the Imprints become mixed and basically, your brain would explode. Boom," he said, miming with his hands, and Stephanie smiled.
"So there's a blank stage between each Imprint, ensuring that the previous Imprint is completely gone by the time the next Imprint is implanted, and also giving the brain and body some rest. Joohyun is at that state now -- between her original personality and her Imprint as an idol. Right now, she is blank, tabula rasa, no personality, no memory, nothing to distinguish her from a newborn in terms of her mental capacity. It's important to bond with her at a Handler-Doll level when she's like this, so that she learns to trust you inexplicably, no matter the situation, and to always listen to you."
Jaehyun paused as he shuffled through a drawer and took out a card before sliding it quickly into his pocket.
"It's not as important as it would usually be in other situations for the Handler-Doll relationship to develop at such a subconscious level, but it wouldn't hurt. Let's go."
Level twenty-four was as different from level twenty-six as it could possibly be.
As soon as they exited the lifts, there was a lightness to the air, the absolute painstaking cleanliness of the offices gone. The whole floor was one open area exposed to sunlight pouring in generously through the glass windows, the only completely enclosed areas being the lifts and both doors on either side.
"Welcome to the Quiet Area," Jaehyun said softly, gesturing to the area where small desks littered with paper and paint.
Stephanie couldn't resist looking around as she walked slowly to where Joohyun was seated, silently painting a picture. As far as she could see, the whole level was filled with Dolls, girls in their teens to those she guessed were in their mid-20s, their faces free from any expression; jarringly childish and innocent in contrast to their physical age. Everywhere, they were blankly doing things -- showering in the large, circular structure made of frosted glass, stretching and seamlessly imitating the yoga instructor seated in the middle of the pond -- or just walking around with no definite purpose.
Stephanie couldn't help the chill running down her spine as she walked through the space, observing everyone and everything with the thick feeling that this was just wrong, the whole concept of created beings. The goosebumps didn't die down as she neared Joohyun's table, but she was able to force a friendly smile.
"Hello," she said, and Joohyun looked up with an automatic smile.
"Hello," she replied. She looked back down at her piece. "Do you like it?"
Stephanie took the sheet, slightly crinkled from the wetness of the paint. It was a simple painting of a house and a family, a bit messy and childlike, and she guessed that one of them was Joohyun.
"That's beautiful," Stephanie said, handing it back. Joohyun dropped it listlessly and turned her head away.
"I feel like swimming now." She stood and glided towards the pool, an attendant handing her a towel before Joohyun stripped down to her underwear and neatly dived in.
Stephanie stared for a moment as Joohyun cut through the water with clean, even strokes before Jaehyun tapped her on the shoulder. For a moment, she forgot where she was as she admired the lean line of Joohyun's body, and she looked down at the desk with the childish painting. Jaehyun spoke up as she picked up the painting delicately, fingers following the wet lines.
"That's enough for now. Let's go."
Joohyun was to be Imprinted as Seohyun, Jaehyun told her when they returned to his desk. A trainee who had died in a freak accident years ago, her parents had agreed for the Imprint to be used.
As Stephanie read through Seohyun's profile, she couldn't stop her jaw from dropping. Seohyun had been smart, studious, liked to read, was ambitious to an extent and liked to work and practice hard. In a single word, she was perfect -- the ideal idol and trainee. The original Seohyun had been a singer and a decent enough dancer to be shortlisted for a girl group before she had passed away.
"'Because Seohyun would've liked this, and we'd like her memory to live on,' is what they said," Jaehyun said as he dropped the letter in disgust, a twisted smile on his lips.
"I think that's sweet, to let her memory live on like this," Stephanie said softly, her fingers stained with paint. "Even if Seohyun didn't get her original dream of becoming a singer, she's helping someone else get theirs."
Jaehyun gave a short bark of laughter at those words, Stephanie still reading over Seohyun's profile, stained fingers underlining Deceased: 1999/12/28.
"Joohyun isn't even going to know what's going on. She's going to wake up in five years, depending, and see her face plastered everywhere, see that she's become a national, if not international, star and have no clue. Right now, Joohyun has no idea of her past or her future, either as Joohyun or as Seohyun. You can justify it like that, but it's pointless. It's a job."
"Then how do you justify it?" Stephanie finally asked, looking up. Jaehyun gave her the same twisted smile.
"I don't. These Dolls aren't people, so I shouldn't pretend to care about them or their Imprints. And you shouldn't either."
The next time Stephanie was summoned to the offices, still sweaty and out of breath from training, the same representative stood before her. It occurred to her that this was the third time she had met him and she still didn't know his name.
"Hwang Stephanie-sshi, in several months you will debut as part of the girls’ group, ‘Girls’ Generation.’ Please keep in mind your position within the group and also your Doll, Joohyun. As you are aware, Joohyun will be Imprinted as Seohyun this evening, a process you will be required to attend. As a precursor to this, you are to sign this disclosure statement agreeing that you will not tell anyone about the Doll process.”
He slid a sheet across the desk, and after a cursory glance, Stephanie signed it, hands slightly shaking. This was real. This was really going to happen.
“Furthermore, you will no longer attend the usual dancing or singing lessons but partake in dancing and singing lessons specifically designed for your debut - that is to say, you will be learning specific choreography and songs from now on. You will, however, attend your school lessons as per usual, as well as articulation, acting and etiquette lessons, though sessions regarding your choreography and songs will take precedence over these.”
Stephanie swallowed and nodded as he paused and shuffled through his sheets.
“And you are to be renamed - as SM Entertainment already has a Stephanie within the industry, you are to be renamed Tiffany.”
“Wait.” She paused as she waited for the cough to subside, her dry throat giving her away. Nervously, she licked her lips before continuing. “I won’t be Imprinted, will I?”
“Stephanie-sshi, I mean, Tiffany-sshi, you have already expressed your desire to become a Handler rather than a Doll, and you have already formed a Handler-Doll bond with Joohyun. No, you will not be Imprinted. Anything further?”
Stephanie shook her head.
“Good. You will be dismissed from your articulation lesson early this evening to be with Joohyun during the Imprinting session at 10PM.
"Congratulations on your debut, Tiffany-sshi.”
The Imprint was worse than the Handler session.
Stephanie had to resist covering her eyes as she watched the bright blue light engulf Joohyun’s delicate head, her body arching in pain and her mouth open in a breathless gasp. Her eyes had rolled to the back of her head and she was breathing shallowly, in small gasps as she tried to escape the pain, her arms straining against their rests.
Finally, it was over, Joohyun - no, Seohyun, now - collapsing in a dead heap on the chair. Jaehyun looked at Stephanie expectantly, and she stepped forward hesitantly.
"Tiffany," Jaehyun said loudly, "say hello to Seohyun."
Seohyun slowly lifted her head and smiled beautifully, hopping off the chair as if she hadn't been writhing in pain earlier.
"Hello," she greeted, bowing so low Stephanie was surprised her hair wasn't sweeping the floor. "I'm Seohyun. It's nice to meet you."
"Hi," Stephanie replied, bowing her head a fraction. "I'm Steph - uh, I'm Tiffany, nice to meet you."
"Hello Tiffany, I'm sure we'll get along. Please take care of me."
Jaehyun watched, amused, as Stephanie bowed again to Seohyun's enthusiastic ninty-degree bows.
"Likewise."
Training and living with Girls' Generation was actually better than what it used to be. Stephanie still got to be with her old friends during her other lessons and during school, but being with eight other girls she knew she'd be stuck with for at least five years was a different experience in itself. It also meant that they were still walking on glass around each after even after a month together.
Stephanie learnt that to Girls' Generation, she had to be Tiffany. She had to be herself, but more - more loveable, more idol-like, and more Korean. To Seohyun, she was never Stephanie, always "Tiffany-unni! Fany-unni!"
It was weird. It was thrilling. It felt like she had pulled on another skin, tight around her own that was comfortable until she moved in the wrong direction and it dug into her and cut her. On some days, she just wanted to be Stephanie, good old American Stephanie with some toast in the morning, a t-shirt and sweats on as she lounged around on the sofa watching sitcoms and Oprah and TV shows, not variety shows or dramas. She wanted to be able to speak English to everyone she knew and to be able to curse without being judged.
But she was learning to be Korean Tiffany, learnt to turn around when that accent sounded and a cheerful "Fany!" would be calling from the kitchen or living room. She also understood that although she hadn't been Imprinted, there was this clear distinction of life before Girls' Generation and life with and after it.
And sometimes, she didn't know which she preferred.
Compared to everything their teachers and coaches had told them, debut was almost too easy. The anticipation and nervousness that had preceded the actual stage that was only, in reality, a few minutes long, had Tiffany almost disappointed. She had worked so hard, for so long, for just a few minutes?
"Don't worry unni," Seohyun said as she flicked her fringe. "This is only the beginning."
"Aren't I meant to be comforting you?" Tiffany said with a good natured smile, and the yelp when she smothered Seohyun in a hug was almost worth it.
Seohyun was right, and the months that came after that first performance was what Tiffany had ached for back in America, felt in her blood and bones during training and was finally living as she occupied the stage week after week. It was a tiring job, but not thankless, and Tiffany treasured the fans more than she could put into words.
That was, until Dream Concert '08.
Backstage, it was as it always was at a largescale concert -- stagehands running back and forth, technicians screaming into mics and idols being pushed towards the stage or sent back to their dressing room. It was a mess, but not an uncomfortable one.
Tiffany was in the Girls' Generation changeroom with the rest of the girls, idly watching Yoona practise the choreography before Hyoyeon took pity on her and walked over, fixing the angle of her elbow. It was relatively quiet but for nervous chatter, Taeyeon singing under her breath and Jessica faking calm while reading a magazine.
"Oppa!"
Tiffany looked up at the word, pulling a bit of skin free from between her nails. Taeyeon was beaming at the doorway as Leeteuk walked through, a hand held up in greeting as the rest of Super Junior followed.
"Nervous?" Tiffany turned at the voice, and was surprised to see Siwon.
"Maybe a little, yeah," she said, and his throaty chuckle almost made her blush.
"Don't worry." Siwon hesitated a bit before placing a gentle hand on her shoulder. "Don't listen to the rumours."
"Rumours?" Stephanie blinked, running a hand up and down her other arm apprehensively. "What rumours?"
Siwon bit his lip, looking almost pained before a small 'ooph' alerted Tiffany to Donghae's presence, Donghae looking inquiringly over Siwon's shoulder after his glomp-tackle-hug attack.
"Oh, hello Fany!"
"Hi Donghae." Tiffany grinned as Siwon dumped Donghae on the chair, looking long suffering.
"Shouldn't you be talking to Jessica, Mister Flirt?" Tiffany teased, and Donghae rolled his eyes.
"She's a bit mad at me, so I'm avoiding her for now." He pouted and Siwon rolled his eyes back.
"What happened to being 'ladies' man Lee Donghae!'"
"I have no idea what you're talking about -- oh hey look, Yoona's looking for you!" Donghae pushed Siwon's backside firmly in the general direction of Yoona, and Tiffany had to stifle a laugh as Siwon gracefully fell in a heap.
"Be nicer to oppa."
"Nice? I'm always nice to him! I have no idea what you're talking about, Tiffany." Donghae grinned brightly and Tiffany giggled into her hand.
"Uh huh, oppa is always so nice, oppa is so perfect, oppa is so wonderful, oppa, I love you!" She laughed as she mimed a heart and Donghae cooed back.
"That's right! I am always nice and perfect and wonderful. Oppa loves you too." He reached over and engulfed her in a tight hug, burying his head into her shoulder. She laughed as she pushed at him gently, harder when he didn't budged, and finally after tickling him, he squirmed and surrendered, sitting back with a smile, hair slightly mussed.
Not one for taking the blame, she gently pulled his fringe into place as Donghae made faces, before his face eventually became neutral.
"How you going for nerves?"
She quickly glanced down at his earnest eyes, and she smiled a little. "Fine, not too bad. It's just Dream Concert, you know, pretty big for just us."
He laughed a little at that. "Small fry, is that what you guys are? Then what are SHINee?"
"Dongsaengs," she sang softly before she patted his cheek and sat back, admiring her work. It looked relatively neat and deliberately bed-hair styled.
"You didn't hear half the things that were said in the company while Girls' Generation was being assembled, you know," he said, still smiling. It wasn't the joking one anymore, but more sincere and serious. "Group of half Dolls and half Handlers. Going to be the girlgroup of the industry, you know? Take Korea by storm."
Donghae smiled wider then, as Tiffany slowly processed the information. Group of half Dolls, half Handlers.
"You mean... there are more groups with Dolls?" she asked carefully, and he laughed lightly.
"What, you thought you'd be the first? No way. I'm the Handler to Siwon, Sungmin's Handler to Eunhyuk, Heechul to Hankyung and Leeteuk to Kangin. TVXQ too, and you can bet that SHINee would have at least one Handler-Doll pair." Donghae shrugged, nonchalant as Tiffany's mind reeled. She'd forgotten -- Jaehyun had even mentioned it before. Micky Yoochun exists because SME willed it so.
"Hey, Fany, you okay?" Donghae concerned eyes found hers, and she nodded blankly. He frowned. "I thought you knew? It's just surprising because in Girls' Generation there are more Dolls than there are Handlers, and that just seemed too much of a risk before. I guess they decided to take it with you guys, though."
"Right," Tiffany said breathlessly. "More Dolls than Handlers." Sometimes she forgot that half, over half, of Girls' Generation were creations of SME, different personalities and memories put into a halfway decent body. Because to her, they weren't Dolls anymore but Taeyeon, Yuri, Yoona, Sooyoung, and of course, Seohyun. They were her girls, not just Dolls.
"Yeah, a bit unusual," Donghae commented. "But whatever, the important thing is Girls' Generation is here now and you're going to put on an awesome performance. Girls' Generation, fighting!"
At his quick grin, she raised her fist too. "Fighting!"
If Tiffany had a wish, it would be that Dream Concert '08 had never happened.
The silence as they sang and danced their hearts out, the cheers that weren't their names and the endless darkness with only some feeble pink lighting were heartbreaking, and she wanted to do nothing more than forgo singing and dancing and give them a piece of her mind. Maybe yell or scream, because wasn't a fan being about supporting not just your favourite group, but all artists? What was the point of going to a large scale concert if all you were going to do was hate on a group? Tiffany wanted to just sit and cry tears of frustration -- this wasn't the reality she wanted.
But the choreography and lyrics were ingrained into her very being, and she kept that perky smile up, dancing with the other girls as they attempted to ignore the blatant hate that was in front of them.
Backstage, it was a different story.
It was deathly silent in the changeroom, and she knew that Siwon was hovering somewhere behind her, shooting her concerned looks but Tiffany needed silence. She needed solitude now, scared that she might bite someone's tongue off in misplaced anger, so she stood up and excused herself. After a few minutes avoiding other idols and stagehands' inquiring eyes, she found an empty, unused room, and curled up in one of the makeup chairs, staring at her own stage self still dressed in the Girls' Generation costume with stage make up on.
Girls' Generation, honestly, was a dream come true. She didn't regret her decision to move here from America and leave her family behind to do what she loved. And she didn't regret joining Girls' Generation either.
But now, she wasn't so sure.
This wasn't what she had imagined after working so hard and for so long. Girls' Generation was meant to be an opportunity of a lifetime, and one she would enjoy, not hate and regret. She could feel the frustration bubbling up in her as she entertained the thoughts, tears prickling her eyes.
Tiffany knew Girls' Generation had antis -- every group did -- which was why she had learned to read their comments with a strong heart, sometimes knowing to simply scroll past them and read their fans' encouraging words instead. But sometimes those comments dug under her skin and rested there comfortably, lying in wait until she was at her best, her happiest after a successful fanmeet or nailing a piece of choreography, and it lashed out.
Talentless group, half of them aren't even pretty and the other half have had surgery to get this far anyway.
Can any of them even sing? What's the use of becoming a band if none of the members can even sing?
Did you hear about that member, Sunny, and how she probably used connections to get her place? The rest of them probably slept their way in; it's not like any of them are especially talented or pretty.
That last performance of theirs was disgusting. I had to cover my ears to get through it thanks to all that terrible singing, and they couldn't even dance in sync. They're only getting all this popularity because of their company anyway.
The worst part was that as Tiffany remembered those words, there was a tiny grain of truth in each. They did gain popularity because of their company and sunbaes' hard work, but that didn't mean they didn't work equally as hard to get where they were now. And without the Doll technology, half of them wouldn't be here because they didn't seek this out. It found them, and it created them. Without the Doll technology, Girls' Generation wouldn't exist.
Maybe there was a reason behind avoiding a half Handler half Doll band until now. The Doll process was unnatural in itself, and Tiffany shuddered as she remembered the pain Seohyun had endured to gain this Imprint. Wasn't it cruel to put a Doll through that each time they had to gain an Imprint?
Each person was unique, created by God. To play at God and change someone in that way, to completely obliterate the personality created by God Himself and replace it by man-made means was wrong. It wasn't right, and it shouldn't be done. She must've been blind not to notice it before, but the whole process shouldn't even exist.
Dolls were acts of open defiance against God just to benefit the company and get more revenue. Greed was in play here, and Tiffany despaired to think that she was part of this, helping the company defy God just for money. If she could, she would quit, rid her hands of this and leave, never looking back.
But; Seohyun. As a Handler, she'd agreed to take care of Seohyun regardless of what happened, even if she shed the Imprint, as long as they were both in the company. She had given her word by signing the contract, legally bound to this obligation and to the company, but just the thought of Seohyun -- her sweet smile and honest eyes -- made Tiffany sick. Seohyun was beautiful and a sweet girl, but she was a creation and shouldn't exist. Seohyun was born as Joohyun, and she should stay that way.
Tiffany tried to justify it; Joohyun had been suffering mentally and physically in that environment, and she became better as a result of the Imprint. Seohyun was happy, at least, but there was no telling what Joohyun was like. Jaehyun had said that becoming a Doll was like falling asleep for a long period of time, but it seemed more than that. Was Joohyun dreaming -- was she even technically alive right now? It was technically Joohyun's body that Seohyun was occupying so she was still technically alive, but could you call it Joohyun's if Seohyun's soul was occupying the space?
Tiffany stared deep into her own eyes, outlined in thin, black eyeliner, reminding her that she had changed, too. Was she still Stephanie Hwang, American-born-Korean, nineteen years old and baby of her family? Or was she Tiffany, part of girl group Girls' Generation, tipped to take Korea by storm? Had she changed so much that she wasn't comfortable calling herself Stephanie anymore?
No, she was still Stephanie, but she was Tiffany as well. She'd always be Stephanie somewhere deep inside; Tiffany was just another part of her that more people knew and loved. Tiffany was all the loveable parts of her as one person, made into a persona. Maybe she was close to being a Doll, but this was natural; God had given her a chance and she had taken it, and this was just a consequence.
Tiffany took a breath. She knew her place in the world and she was proud of it; she had gained it rightfully. She wouldn't doubt it now.
Back at the dorms, they were throwing a pity party.
Chocolate and cake stashes were broken out, television turned on full blast to a heartbreaking movie and lights turn off. Everyone was snuggling under a comfort blanket while hugging a comfort pillow or soft toy, and a tissue box was making it rounds.
"It's cathartic to cry," Taeyeon had said as she determinedly plugged in the usually-taboo television and connected the DVD player. A manager tried to stop her, but she glared at him, eyes red rimmed, and he backed off before telling her to make sure everyone was ready the next morning at six.
They were watching Titanic, and half of them were squashed on to the chairs, the rest sprawled on the floor. It was their go-to for catharsis, as Taeyeon liked to call it, and Tiffany couldn't helped the pained thought -- this was all part of the Imprint, this wasn't the real Taeyeon.
Seohyun was squashed up against Tiffany's side, elbow painfully digging into her ribcage and head on her shoulder. Every time she shifted, Tiffany couldn’t help but wince as her earlier thoughts came to mind, so much so that Sunny on her other side asked if she was alright.
"Fine," Tiffany said softly as the music swelled and Jack smiled at Rose, twirling her in a large circle as the ballroom glittered around them.
"Great, then stop fidgeting," Sunny bit back, eyes trained on screen. Tiffany was ready to retaliate until she remembered that this was how Sunny was naturally, how Sunkyu was, no Imprint needed, and she relaxed.
Living with the thought that Dolls were unnatural and a sin against God wasn't easy, but she had constant reminders that it was okay, that they were people too. Jessica, Sunny and Hyoyeon were all Handlers and seemed at ease with the fact, reassuring their Dolls when needed, sometimes paying special attention to them, but otherwise treating them as if they were normal human beings.
Tiffany was learning the reason behind Jaehyun's bitter, final advice to distance herself from her Doll. They were people, but unnaturally so, wrongfully so. But she was still Handler to Seohyun and had a responsibility to her, so Tiffany accepted that this was how it would be.
That is, until one night, they were all woken by Seohyun's thrashing in bed, her pitiful moans and the fear in her eyes when she had woken up.
"Could you please get Fany-unni," she had pleaded to Taeyeon, and hurt flashed in her eyes even as Sunny quickly ran off, remembering who was her Handler.
"Seohyun?" Tiffany asked softly, blanket heavy around her shoulders as she sat. "Did you have a nightmare?"
Seohyun nodded as Tiffany pulled her into a hug, her mind still too sleep-addled to properly register her usual thoughts.
"Tell me?" Tiffany prompted, and Seohyun started in a quiet voice.
It started off peacefully.
Seohyun was standing in front of a house she never knew - a large double storey fairytale with a large garden and a white picket fence. It was beautiful, everything she had ever dreamed of, and she watched as a child ran around it in her dream, ribbons in her long, beautifully flowing hair, always wearing a blue dress.
She then turned away to walk through the garden, admiring the beautiful flowers and sweet scent saturating the air. It was then the dream took an ominous turn, and the sky darkened dramatically until it was nighttime and she began running up the path between hedges taller than her, urging herself to go faster though she couldn't pinpoint the reason she was compelled to do so. Lightening flashed and thunder followed, so loud she could feel her bones vibrating, but no rain fell and her skin chilled, goosebumps rising as if called.
Finally, when she felt as if her legs will break if she continued, a dark shape appeared. Seohyun slowed until she was just walking, knowing she had to continue but dreading the destination.
It was then that she awoke with apprehension and sweat pouring down her face, panicked but for no reason she could place.
"It was so scary, unni. I felt like I couldn't control myself, that I was just running blindly towards this, this thing I knew was bad but I just couldn't stop myself."
Tiffany hesitantly stroked Seohyun's back, her own thoughts clouding her judgement. She can't stop herself from helping Seohyun, and she remembered the words Jaehyun had told her.
"Everything's going to be alright," she said, and guilt settled in as she felt Seohyun relax slightly.
"Now that you're here," she murmured sleepily.
"Do you trust me?" Tiffany asked as she laid Seohyun back in bed, everyone already asleep again. She tucked the blanket up to her chin, and Seohyun blinked, smiling slowly.
"With my life." With that, Seohyun was asleep even as Tiffany's heart weighed heavy with remorse.
One night turned into two, two turned into four, and it was a week of Seohyun waking up with a breathless gasp, nightmare clouding her subconscious, before Tiffany acknowledged that Seohyun needed help. Tiffany knew that she should probably talk to Jaehyun about this, but there wasn't anytime between practices, performances, interviews, and everything each individual member had in between. So she turned to the next possibility: the Handlers themselves.
"Seohyun's been having nightmares," Tiffany started, and Sunny rolled her eyes.
"We know, it's not like we don't live in the same dorm," she said, and Tiffany angrily stuffed a mandarin slice into Sunny's mouth.
"We... know," Hyoyeon said, after a glance at Sunny furiously chewing through the fruit. "Is there any reason you wanted to talk to... us about it?"
Us, the Handlers. It was unspoken, but understood, the four of them crammed into the back of a van on the way to another interview. They had to be careful with the rest of the band upfront with the manager they all knew as Taeyeon's Handler.
"I don't think it's caused by stress or nerves, or any of the usual things," Tiffany continued slowly. Jessica's eyebrows rose.
"You think it's caused by something else?"
Tiffany paused. "Possibly a bad memory?"
They all understood what she meant, but still frowned.
"Maybe she should go for a Treatment?" Hyoyeon suggested, and Tiffany leaned across Sunny to get closer.
"A what?"
"Treatment," Sunny hissed. "Just mention the word at her and then take her to level twenty-six. She'll probably stay at twenty-four overnight but she'll be fine in the morning and meet us at practice."
"You mean--" Tiffany started.
"Yeah, Yuri went for one last week," Jessica said, stealing a mandarin slice. Great, they were all going to smell like citrus. "You need one every few months because it's a delicate process."
Delicate process. Tiffany was almost amused at all the terminology they had to use, but the worry was outweighing it. Worry and guilt. She wondered if they felt the same, as Handlers towards their Dolls.
She sat back in her seat, eating the rest of her mandarin as she watched the city speed by outside. By the time she finished and they reached their destination, she was determined to ask each Handler their opinion, hoping they'd be able to reassure her.
After the group interview, each member was to be taken aside once more to be interviewed individually while another took some solo shots. At the first opportunity, Tiffany pulled Sunny aside on the pretext of being worried about their new song.
"Is this about Seohyun?" Sunny asked, amused as they sat in an empty room, door firmly locked.
"That, and a bit more." Tiffany frowned lightly, wondering how to best ask her.
"Spit it out. Just say whatever you want to say, don't keep it in." Tiffany looked up as Sunny smiled, shrugging a bit. "Don't hesitate. We're bandmates, so nothing is taboo."
"It's about, well, it's about the Doll-Handler process." Sunny frowned. "I mean, don't you feel a bit weird, knowing that Sooyoung isn't really Sooyoung? Physically, she's the exact same as she was before the Imprint, but what about her previous personality? Playing with human beings like that, taking our their memories, personality and soul and just inserting another one, don't you find that wrong?"
Sunny's frown deepened as she considered the words. The silence stretched between them as Tiffany tried to find more words. She opened her mouth before Sunny put a hand up.
"No, I know what you mean, you don't have to keep going. That might be how you think of it, but think of this way -- all these souls never got a chance to live the life they wanted, because of fear or a freak accident. We're giving them another chance at doing what they always loved, in another body. And the body, or body's soul or whatever, already gave their consent. There's nothing wrong with that if consent is given."
Tiffany mirrored Sunny's earlier frown.
"But we're playing at God, and that, that isn't right. It shouldn't be done. Life, and the soul -- we're just borrowing them from God, because He created them, we don't have ownership over them."
Sunny smiled at that.
"But God gave them to us to use as we wish. If we wanted to go to sleep for five years, then I'm sure God can understand that, especially to escape the horrors of life. And isn't God all forgiving? He forgives those who commit suicide, because he understands the pain we go through. Tiffany, it's okay to have doubts, but remember that Seohyun is a person too -- maybe she doesn't own the body she's in, maybe that's stealing, but when there's consent involved, doesn't that mean it's giving and acceptance, then? Think about it, Fany."
Tiffany wasn't sure about approaching Hyoyeon after Sunny, but it wasn't give-and-take when it was someone's body. The body was sacred, as was the mind and soul, and they all worked together to create a human being, as God made it to be. They couldn't be separated.
"Don't you think it's wrong, that all these Imprints are basically taking over Dolls' bodies?" Tiffany all but demanded, trying to organise her mind. "These bodies were given to us by God, and the mind, body and soul are tied too closely together for us to break the bond."
"Have you been talking to Sunny?" she asked instead, downing a bottle of water. Tiffany stayed silent, and apparently that was answer enough. Hyoyeon shrugged.
"I had the same questions, after I talked with her. She said something about consent, right?" Tiffany nodded, and Hyoyeon nodded back. "She's right, you know. These bodies were given to us by God, but we already shape them to our own purposes -- we work out, exercise, eat, and of course, get surgery. Then why not take that extra step? The bond between mind, body and soul must not be that strong if science can separate it so easily. And consent is important, after all; it's the difference between love and rape."
Tiffany disgusted face said it all as Hyoyeon laughed.
"No, but really," Hyoyeon continued. "Consent is what makes the difference. And remember that all things happen or exist because He willed it so."
"I heard what you've been asking the others," Jessica said as she stood in front of Tiffany, who was getting her makeup done.
"Yeah?" Tiffany said, trying not to move her face. She dared a glance at the stylist, but Jessica nodded as she slumped elegantly into another makeup chair, the entire room empty but for the three of them.
"She knows about the process. Personally, I think it's weird, and unnatural, and we really shouldn't do it." Tiffany's eyes widened -- someone who agreed. "But, I also know they're people, and they deserve a second chance. Forgiveness, right? Everyone deserves a second chance, especially when you screw up as big as these guys did."
"Right," Tiffany said warily as the stylist moved on to her hair.
"I love Yuri, and I love Taeyeon as well, and Sooyoung, and Yoona, and Seohyun. We're all family, and I know that you love Seohyun too. Don't make this harder than yourself; just let things be, and it'll all work out." Jessica flashed a bright smile as she stood, just the right amount of teeth showing and eyebrows perked perfectly.
We're all creations of SME anyway, Tiffany thought as she watched herself be created in the mirror. Can't escape it.
It didn't end up being a life changing decision. Life went on as it always did.
Tiffany knew that these thoughts had been provoked by one event that could have easily not happened -- only by some weird twist of fate did it end up being like this. She could've easily gone on unsuspecting anything, ready to whisk Seohyun away to a Treatment if that's what would fix her nightmares. She wouldn't had thought twice about it if Dream Concert '08 hadn't happened, and she wondered if this was meant to be, if she was meant to question all this.
In the end, she knew the result would've been the same -- Seohyun would go in for a treatment, revert back to tabula rasa and then be Imprinted again as Seohyun. To Seohyun, nothing would've changed while Tiffany would have had to deal with a changed Seohyun, even if only minutely. But Tiffany would learn how to deal with it -- Jessica, Sunny and Hyoyeon had as well, after all -- and then. Then what? She couldn't go on questioning like this all the time if it meant attacking her friends, distancing herself from them when they were people, and people she loved.
Girls' Generation is her family; with Tiffany's heart and soul, she can scream it from every rooftop in Seoul if that's what it took. She values them more than her life, and would happily give it up if it was required. Because Girls' Generation is what fate brought her to, and she accepts it happily, with open arms.
And because Tiffany knows that regardless of the past, she'd choose the present at any time.
"Seohyun," Tiffany asked softly, interrupting Seohyun's reading. "Would you like a treatment?"
Seohyun placed the book aside, smiling as she looked up at Tiffany. "Yes, please."
---
Again, thanks to my team for everything, even if we didn't win ;; A DVD Commentary can be found here! Warning that it was written at 2AM-ish so it isn't very coherent but for anyone interested in most of my thought process, go ahead and click~ (Advised that you keep this fic open at the same time and just scroll as you go along)