So Little Time, So Much Love
Title: So Little Time, So Much Love
Author: scenery_poetry
Pair: Jack Barakat/Alex Gaskarth
Rating: PG-13 ofr language
POV: Alex Gaskarth
Summary: Something is wrong with Jack and Alex wants to know what it is.
Disclaimer: I do not own. They own themselves.
Warnings: deathfic, but please don't let that turn you away. And of course, some boy-kissing-boy.
Author's Note: This isn't what I normally what I write. I like happy endings and this isn't one. This is beta'd by leighabelle. And of course to x_cheapnovelty for the adoption of a nickname I used with her permission.
Time becomes irrelevant but crucial in a time of crisis. I didn't realize that until such a time came knocking at my door step. It all happened so fast. I barely had time to think, feel, or breathe when it was all over. Now all I'm left with is...
---
We just had the best night of the tour so far. We are headlining a sold out arena tour, having the time of our lives. I don't need any drugs right now, for I am high off adrenaline and life. I do, however, grab a beer from the mini-fridge and plop down on the couch. The music is loud, and there are people everywhere on the bus. It's a full on party.
I spot Jack walking past everyone, trying to at least. Everyone is way too wasted to notice or care, but I notice the slightly annoyed look on his face.
"Jack! Over here!" I yell out to him.
Jack looks up and over in my direction. He smiles brightly and starts to head over to me. I stand up and try to meet him half way. I pull him close to me, so he will be able to hear me. Before I ask my question, I take the time to notice the way he smells. It's the scent of sweat and faded Tag, but still his own unique scent under all that.
"Do you wanna go outside?" I ask.
He nods slightly. I grab his hand and push our way to the door. I open it manually and walk down the stairs. Jack closes the door behind us. We walk to the back of the bus. Jack leans against it. He looks a bit tired, but not so annoyed anymore.
"That's better, isn't it?" I ask.
Jack smiles slightly and nods. "Much. Thanks for getting me out of there. I felt as if I was dying in there."
I take a step closer to him. I bite my lip with what I'm about to say; the words never come out. I always choke.
"Alex-"
"Jack-"
We both look at each other as we start at the same time. Jack shakes his head and motions for me to talk first. I take in a deep breath. I can't. So I make something up.
"What are we gonna do when this is all over?"
Jack looks a bit taken back at the question. He recovers quickly and shrugs. "Whatever the hell we want. Get married, have kids, settle down, produce other bands, anything. You have time to figure it out."
"I guess, but I know I'll miss this."
I mean that in more ways than one. I won't see Jack as much. I won't be able to find ways to just be by him, to touch him.
"I will, too."
We fall silent again after time. Jack closes his eyes and sighs heavily. He looks exhausted, but there will be no way he will be able to get rest on that bus any time soon.
"Were you going to say something, Barakitten?" I ask.
Jack opens his eyes and shakes his head. "Nah, not really. It's not important enough."
I watch as he closes his eyes again. He bows his head and pinches the bridge of his nose.
"Do you wanna lay down?" I ask.
Jack nods slightly. "I'm so fucking tired."
"I don't blame you. Come here."
Jack stands up straight. I grab his hand and lead him over to a grassy area not too far away from the buses. We sit down. Jack looks at me a bit confused.
"Lay down. Just rest your head on my lap. I'll wake you up when I notice things are chilled on the bus."
Jack nods, He actually goes with it. He rests his head on my thighs and drifts off to sleep quickly. I settle with bracing myself with one arm behind me as I use the other to softly stroke Jack's hair.
I'm not a bit tired I have too many things on my mind, well just one person. My best friend.
I end up carrying Jack to his bunk when I notice things have chilled out He doesn't stir at all. I place him easily into his bunk and cover him up. I turn out the small light and close the curtain before I hop up into mine above his.
---
A few weeks pass after that night. I notice a change in Jack. He sleeps a lot more, and he's losing weight. Not too much, but enough for me to notice. I'm worried.
I approach him about it one day when it's our day off.
"Jack, is there something going on?" I ask.
Jack looks up at me and shakes his head. "No. What makes you think that?"
"You slept for fourteen hours"
Jack shrugs. "So? I've been tired. Big deal."
"You still look tired."
"Most people do when they just wake up," Jack says defending himself.
"You've lost weight."
"So what are you suggesting at?"
"Nothing, I just don't want you to lie to me."
Jack looks a bit defeated for a bit. "Okay. I probably just caught some type of bug or something. I've been feeling like crap these past days, but it's going away. I feel better than I have been. I hate it when people fret over me. You know this."
I sit down next to him and give him a sideways hug.
"I know and I'm sorry. I just like to know so I don't worry"
Jack smiles slightly. "You have no reason to worry."
He gives me a small kiss on my cheek and then walks away. I'm still concerned.
---
But it doesn't last for long. Jack does seem to get a lot better He sleeps normally and has high amounts of energy all the time. Like now for example. He's running around the stage like a lunatic playing his heart out. I've hardly ever seen him like this. It makes me happy knowing he's no longer ill.
After the show, he is the first to leave. I catch up with him. He seems to be a bit short of breath and sweating profusely. But then that is normal after a show. He gives me a weak smile.
"Hey. That was great, wasn't it?"
"Yeah. Are you okay?"
Jack nods. "Perfect. I'm just gonna go to the loo."
He gives me a hug and then races off towards the nearest bathroom. I shrug and go back to the dressing room. I change out of my sweaty shirt and put on a clean one. I also made sure to grab a bottle of water and start to chug it down.
After a few minutes, Jack came into the room, looking slightly better. He changes shirts as well. I watch him closely. I just can't seem to take my eyes off of him. He looks... amazing.
"Alright! Lets get out of here!" I hear Zack yell. "It's a hotel night!"
I force my gaze away from Jack. We get the rest of our shit and head out.
Once we are in our rooms, we all just decide to take advantage of this and sleep. Jack and I have the pleasure of sharing a room I quickly strip out of my clothes and get into the bed. Jack takes a few minutes more like usual. He goes into the bathroom with a bag. I wait for him to reappear. When he finally does, he too is just in a pair of boxer briefs.
"Good night, Alex," he says softly.
"Night Jack."
It's silent for a few minutes before I hear him rustling in the bed.
"Alex, would you mind if we slept together?"
My eyes shoot open. "What?"
"I mean can I sleep with you? I can't seem to get comfortable."
I sigh. "Sure. Get over here."
Jack gets out of his bed and jumps into mine. He snuggles up next to me once he is under the covers.
"Thanks."
"Good night, Barakitten."
---
The next few days turns out to be hell. Jack ends up having to take an emergency trip home. He really didn't say what for either. He just dropped everything and started to pack his bags saying he needed to get home. He was gone within an hour. Luckily we were able to get a guitarist from one of our tour mates to fill in. It just wasn't the same.
I was very happy to see Jack again but he looked so tired and depressed. I had him take an extra day off to rest. That helped a lot. He still hasn't said anything about what was -or is- wrong.
I finally get him alone when he's coherent on the fourth day he's back.
"What's wrong, Barakitten?
Jack just shakes his head. He looks so lost. I want to help, but I have a feeling I can't.
"I give up," he says softly. "I can't win, so why put it off? Alex, I'm just going to come out and say this. I'm in love with you and have been for a long ass time."
Needless to say I'm shocked, stunned. But my subconscious seems to take over my brain because the next thing I know is that Jack and I are in his bunk making out. He's under me, gasping and softly moaning, which is seriously turning me on more than I have ever been before.
I slowly pull away. Jack stares at me just waiting for me to do something more. But when I don't he sits up.
"I'm sorry," he whispers.
He stands up quickly and walks away from me. He locks himself into the bathroom. I know there is no getting him out. I'll just have to explain it to him when he calms down enough.
Jack doesn't appear until about ten minutes before we have to leave. I try to get him, but Jack just seems to avoid me. I finally corner him right before we gone on.
"I love you more than anything or anyone, Barakitten. I always have."
There I said it. I give him a kiss right as the house lights go off. And the stage lights light up the entire arena. We start with "Poppin‘." and go on from there.
Everything goes by very smoothly. That is until we are about ready to do the encore. We all exit the stage. Jack grabs a hold of me. I look at him. He looks really pale and as if he is having trouble breathing.
"Jack?"
The next thing I know, he collapses on top of me. I hold him tightly, not letting him fall.
"Jack!" I yell out.
Rian and Zack come to my aid. Zack takes the guitar off of him and hands it over to the technician. Rian gets a bottle of water ready. I lower Jack to the ground gently and kneel down beside him. I try to wake him up, but fail at doing so.
"Come on, Jack."
Our manager comes up to us. It looks like he's on the phone, probably with paramedics. I feel for Jack's pulse. It's very rapid and his breathing is short and fast. Rian puts a cool cloth over his head.
"An ambulance should be here within five minutes. As long as he's breathing, he should be fine," our manger says.
I nod but don't take my eyes off of Jack. I don't want to.
Just like what was said, the paramedics arrive. I back away from Jack a little bit to let them do their job. They pull a stretcher with them and lift Jack onto it. He still hasn't opened his eyes. They opens his eyes and flash a light into them. They start to wheel him out. The three of us follow. It's Rian that suggests I go with them. I've know him the longest out of us. They actually let go too. I sit in the front. It doesn't calm me down at all.
When we arrive at the hospital I go into the emergency entrance, but I get stopped and told to go into the waiting room.
I do and sit down in the first seat I reach. I don't think I can do this. Jack means everything to me. I've barely even told him how I feel about him.
About fifteen minutes of waiting alone, Zack and Rian arrive. They are both wearing concerned and frightened looks.
"Have you heard anything?" Zack asks.
I shake my head. "Nothing. I don't even know what's wrong."
"He's been sick for a while," Rian brings up. "Could it be something dealing with that?"
"I don't know. I just want him okay," I say.
"Has anyone called his mom?" Zack asks. "Maybe she knows what's going on."
"We don't have his mom's number," I tell them.
Rian pulls out Jack's phone from his front pocket. He hands it to me "Call her," is all he says.
I take the phone from him and look through the contacts until I reach Mom. I press the call button and hope that she answers.
"Hello, Jack. Why are you calling so late?"
"Um...Sorry Mrs. Barakat. This is Alex. Jack is in the hospital. We don't know why. He collapsed and became unconscious."
"Is he okay? Is he-"
"We haven't heard anything. But um... I- we were wondering if you knew anything at all. Jack's been sick for a while. Is there- Is he- Do you know anything at all?" I'm fighting with words. I want to yell and scream, but I know the poor woman doesn't deserve it.
"I'm sorry, Alex, but there's nothing I can tell you."
"Mrs. Barakat, please."
"I got to go, Alex. Please call me when you know something."
The line goes dead after that. I try to call back, but it goes straight to voicemail. I try three more times but after getting the same result, I give up. I look at my other two best friends and shake my head.
"She didn't tell me anything."
It's then that a doctor comes into the room. He walks up to us since we're the only ones here.
"You're all here for Mr. Barakat?"
We nod.
"Are you family?" he asks.
"No, but we're the only people he has right now. His family is hundreds of miles away,” Zack says.
"In that case, follow me."
The three of us follow the doctor into a small room.
"Do any of you know Mr. Barakat’s medical history?" he starts off asking.
We shake our heads.
"We found something in his blood. Mr. Barakat has developed a serious infection which is causing a fatal breakdown of his immune system. Since it's gotten this bad, either it's been ignored or he's had it for awhile and he stopped responding to treatments."
"What do you mean by fatal, and by it's gotten this bad?" I ask not believing what I'm hearing.
"I'm sorry, but it would take a miracle for Mr. Barakat to last the night."
I hear no more after that. I rush out of the room and go find Jack. This can't be happening, not to Jack I find his room. He's hooked up to so many machines and he still looks like he's fighting for his life. I rush over to him and hold him to me. I won't let him give up.
"Jack, please. Wake up. I need you right now. I need you to tell me this isn't happening to you."
I don't hold back the tears. I cry while holding him to me and he's not moving. He feels so cold. I know he's not gone because of the constant beeping of the heart monitor.
"Jack, please. I love you."
I feel him stir slightly. I pull away from him a bit and watch as he opens his eyes.
"Alex? What- what are you-"
"You fucking lied to me. You said there was nothing wrong. I kept asking and letting it drop every fucking time! You fucking lied!"
Jack's eyes widen. "What are you talking about?"
"You're fucking dying and you didn't feel the need to tell me? That's pretty fucked up, Jack!"
Jack's eyes start to swell with tears. I don't mean to yell at him, but I'm so fucking hurt.
"Alex, I didn't know how. I don't want you hurt. Why do you think I waited so long before telling you how I felt? I've loved you for years but I knew I didn't have much time. Only six months ago did I realize just how little I had. Please don't be mad. I love you so much, Alex. I don't want-"
Jack starts to cough. It doesn't let up for some time. He looks so lifeless right now. I calm down quickly. I don't want to yell or cry, but tears just keep flowing.
"Alex, I wanted to live without people babying me all the time. Mom knows, why do you think she was against the band more than anyone else? Being so close to you has never made me happier. I know it was selfish, but I just wanted to die happy. I am now because of you and this band. We made beautiful things together. I don't regret it at all, even if I could have lived a bit longer."
During his talk, Jack seems to just be getting weaker. I grab a hold of his hand and stare into his eyes, which keep drooping.
"You made this all worth it, Alex. I love you for it."
I can't take it anymore. I lean over and kiss him. I want him to know that I'm not mad, so I try to pour all of my emotions into this once kiss. Jack responds very little. I keep kissing him until my beloved Barakitten becomes still and flat lines. I pull away, knowing he's gone. He's not coming back.
It's not until nurses and doctors come into the room that it finally hits me. I get escorted from the room as they try to bring him back. I am met with the grim faces of Rian and Zack just outside. Zack pulls me into a hug and I break. I never got to say that I loved him.
---
A week later, I find myself in Lutherville, Maryland standing outside under a green tent staring at a chestnut coffin that contains my best friend and love. His mom is sitting in the front crying. I haven't cried since I was forced to leave that hospital. There are a lot of friends here that we've made over the years. Travis Clark, Gabe Saporta, the guys from Sing It Loud, and many other old tour mates that we kept in contact with. Hell even Mark Hoppus showed up.
I found out a couple days ago that Jack has been dying for the past seven years. That's when he first got the disease. I don't care to know the name of it.
"Alex?"
I am brought out of my thoughts by Rian. He looks just as lost as Zack.
"Are you ready?"
I blink and notice that it's mostly cleared now. They're covering the hole. I nod slightly, but don't really feel like moving. How can I just leave Jack here?,/p>
"Alex, please. Jack would want you to move on. He loved you too much for you to just rot away."
I stare at Rian. Something in me knows he's right, but it's too soon to try to heal from the constant ache. I finally stand up. As I start to walk toward my car, I see Travis not too far away. He's still here? I figured he would be long gone with the others.
He gives me a slight hug and doesn't say anything at first. I'm glad for that.
"Keep in touch. I wanna know how you're doing weeks from now."
He pulls away and heads for his own car. I get into mine and realize then that maybe I can eventually find closure.
---
Time is irrelevant when it comes to those we love and when it comes to life and death. There never seems to be enough or for some too much. Time can heal a loss. So for now all I'm left with is a bitter feeling of hope, wishing it will get better. For Jack, I'll tolerate with the time I'm given and not hate it for what little he had.