I'm lost without you (1/4)
Title: I‘m lost without you
Author: Me, CherylMcMinorrr
Pairing: Jalex
Rating: PG?
Part: 1/4
Genre: Angst for this chapter and the next few.
Summary: What happens when the life you’ve come to know gets shook up in every possible way? Sometimes you need to be on the verge of losing it all before you realise what you had. (Sorry, I fail at writing summaries)
Disclaimer: This hasn’t happened and I hope it doesn’t. I don't own any of All Time Low, derr. Title belongs to Blink 182.
A/N: I don’t know how many people use the word “Nanna” or “Nan” instead of Grandma, but just in case you aren’t familiar with the term, some people do. It depends on the person, I never said Grandma, but I know people who call one female grandparent “Nanna” and one “Grandma” so I thought I’d do that in this. Just a heads up. Also, I know nothing about official terms or anything involved in law and even less when it’s to do with the US and not my own country, so sorry if something‘s not accurate.
A constant beep-beep sound filled the brightened room, which was overruled with white. White flooring, white ceiling, white sheets, white walls, white lights, too much of the colour for anyone’s liking. It felt too bright, too big and too pure to the young man who was sitting uncomfortably in a (surprisingly not white) chair. He felt a stirring in his arms and reluctantly averted his eyes from the motionless form in the too white bed and glanced down at the pair of just opened dark brown eyes of the one year old in his arms. The baby didn’t cry at waking, as babies usually did and as she usually would have done. It was as though she could sense the uneasy silence upon the unnaturally white room. Alex offered her a small smile, repositioning her so she was sitting up on his knee and he rocked her gently, causing her to smile. “Nanna will be here soon, Evie.” He whispered into the little girl’s dark hair, eyes once again trained on the man in the bed. He knew she probably didn’t understand, but it gave him a small comfort speaking to her.
The hospital. It was really no place for a baby. Especially not the ward they were currently situated in, but it was where Alex was spending the most of his time and it’s not like she understood fully what was going on here. Besides, he‘d tried other ways of getting her to sleep the night before, he’d tried everything he could think of, even walking her around the block at midnight in her pram. He’d succeeded in waking everyone who had been asleep, but not in getting the baby to sleep. It wasn’t until he’d brought her here, to the side of her father, that she’d shut her eyes and stopped crying in favour of soft snores. Her cries had woken up Alex and Jack’s entire neighbourhood, but they still hadn’t managed to awaken Jack.
Tears once again filled the older boy’s eyes thinking about the younger man who was still as motionless as ever in the bed, and the constant beeping sounds which still spilled from the machinery he was attached to. He focused on this, the tune it was creating and refused to let the tears fall. He wouldn’t cry in front of Evie, he had to be strong for her. Anyway, if he cried, she’d probably scream the place down and disturb everyone and he was way too exhausted for that. It was an hour before Jack’s official morning visiting hours, when his mum could come and relieve him for a short while. He loved the child, he loved her to pieces, but he certainly wasn’t in the right place mentally to be looking after her.
The little girl giggled when the door opened and he expected it to be Jack’s mother at the other side of the door, the only person who, still on record as Jack’s next of kin, was supposed to be allowed to come and go as she wanted to. Alex didn’t know what he’d do, however, if they’d confined him to the three short hours a day visitors were supposed to get, so Mrs. Barakat had yanked a few chains and given a few harsh words, before they also gave Alex the right to come here whenever he wanted to. He looked up in anticipation for his almost-mother-in-law, but instead was met by the stony face of a man in a suit. “Mr. Alex Gaskarth?” The man asked with a strong English accent and Alex, although he didn’t recognise the man, thought he could be here concerning the case he was fighting on Jack’s behalf and nodded slightly. “I thought I’d find you here, Mr Gaskarth, after getting no response at your house.” Alex threw him a look that clearly told him to ‘get down to it’. He seriously wasn’t in the mood for any kind of small talk off of an official.
“Do you want to do this somewhere else?” Alex shot him a distraught look at the suggestion, shouldn’t it be clear he wasn’t planning on leaving Jack’s side any time soon? “Here’s fine.” he said, his voice cracking from lack of use. The older man nodded and set his briefcase down. “I wish I was here on better terms Mr. Gaskarth, but I’m not. I’m here concerning an Eva Joyce Barakat.” Alex quickly looked at the quiet baby on his knee, not sure what the other man meant. “Let me elaborate. My name’s Alistair Paul.” The man showed him his name card and ID. “I’m an attorney-at-law. A report has recently been filed saying that Mr. Barakat is currently unable to care for the child and care is being shifted between Mr. Barakat‘s fiancée,” he paused to look over his glasses at Alex. “the child’s Grandmother and other relations or people close to her. Is this correct Mr. Gaskarth?” Alex felt like he was being interrogated in a court room. “Uh… Yes.”
“Well, then that would have been left as that unless the case worsened.” the man looked over at Jack, who would have looked peaceful if it wasn’t for countless tubes and wires hooked up to him. “Jack isn’t just a case and he best not get worse.” Alex said weakly, feeling like he was about to be shot while he was down. “Yes. Of course Mr. Gaskarth. Now as I was saying, the situation would have been left, but her mother recently got back in touch, saying she wanted to try and reclaim custody of the child. We’ve reviewed the mother’s situation and she’s perfectly fit to hold residence of the child.“ Alex’s grip tightened on the little girl, he remembered the woman’s annoying voice clearly enough and the last time they saw her, just over twelve months ago, she’d clearly told them that she wanted nothing to do with the new born child. She’d been more than willing to sign custody over to Jack. He frowned. “Seeing as you’re not actually, in the eyes of the law, Eva’s guardian and her custodial parent isn’t in a condition to care for her, we’re obliged to send the child to her mother.” Alex’s stomach dropped, he felt sick. Not Evie as well, everyone he cared for was being taken away.
“When? When do you want to take her?” He croaked, his eyes now trained on Evie’s big brown eyes, Jack’s eyes. Sounds were coming out of the little girl’s mouth and her hands were flailing slightly. She giggled which caused him to forget the weight of the world for a short while and smile at her, before she grabbed at Alex’s sleeve and clearly said “Da!” in her baby tone and giggled again. Alex grinned at her, it was close to dad, close. Then before he could say anything to her, the man spoke again and shattered the mental bubble he was inside with Evie. “Tomorrow, from your home address this time, Mr Gaskarth. And don’t even attempt to not be there, you don’t want the law on your case when you still have to fight Jack’s case in court, do you now?” How could he let his little girl go with this man? And back to that woman? He shuddered, but nodded all the same. “We’ll be home. Can I fight for her?” “If you and your attorney find the time in between trying to find whoever did this to Jack and trying to get them sentenced, but they won’t be in your favour, she’s the girl’s mother after all.” He was certain that he felt worse than he did before Mr. Paul had shown his face, if that was even possible. Mr. Paul stood up and offered Alex his hand to shake, which Alex rejected and continued staring down at the little girl.
He didn’t know who he wanted to look at more, his baby or his lover, because he was sure he was about to lose both of them and he was scared, very scared. He wanted to curl up and cry, but for now Evie was still in his charge and he had to make sure she was okay, instead of crying. “Who was that?” Jack’s mom, Joyce, asked pulling him from his train of thought and he was all kinds of glad to hear her voice. He handed her granddaughter to her as she took the seat Mr. Paul had just vacated. She hugged the little girl and whispered her a “Hello”, while Alex clasped his fingers back around Jack’s. It took him about twenty minutes to explain everything to her and he seriously felt like he was going to cry by the time he was done. Joyce hugged him and asked if she’d like some time alone with Jack. He didn’t want to let the little girl out of his sight, but he also felt like he needed some time to cry, so he agreed. “Oh. If my mum turns up, tell her what happened and say she won’t need to watch Evie anymore because I’d rather stay with her.” He quickly added before she left the room.
Once he was alone with Jack, he leaned over and gently kissed him on the cheek, before using the hand that wasn’t holding his tightly to brush some of the hair from the younger boy’s face. He stoked his cheek gently and whispered soft, loving words to him, before asking him what he should do. Of course he got no answer, he never did, so he just focused on the closed eyelids, willing them to open and reveal Jack’s warm, dark brown eyes, but that never happened either. It’d been a few weeks now. He remembered the day it happened clearly. They were arguing about something trivial and although he couldn’t even remember what, he was sure it wasn’t worth it. Evie had begun crying in her pram as both her parents voices became more and more raised. “Oh fuck this! I’m taking her home!” He’d shouted, pushing the pram away and rocking it slightly, trying to hush the baby, while stopping his own tears from falling. He couldn’t show Jack that he’d made him cry. His tears freely hit Jack’s sheets now as he watched his face, hoping for any kind of movement. The less there was the more he cried. That was the day the boy he loved had been hit by a drunk driver, while he, unknowing, read a bed-time story to their child.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered to possibly unhearing ears, although the doctors had told them that hearing was the last sense to go. He hoped it was true. He hoped Jack would wake up and soon, he wasn’t coping without him as well as he was leading people to believe and he still blamed himself for this no matter how many people told him it wasn’t his fault. Jack’s parents, siblings and friends all told him he wasn’t to blame. Their band mates, his own parents even, he still didn’t believe any of them, but he couldn’t change the past, no matter how much he wished. He placed another kiss to Jack’s cheek and then the door opened as the clock hit ten, signalling the start of Jack‘s first visiting hour of the day. It made it sound like the younger boy was in prison, as apposed to a coma. Alex figured he’d chose prison, at least then he’d know the younger was relatively okay. In the first week, Jack’s room would be so filled with visitors during visiting hours that Alex would have to leave the room lest he’d faint. However less people had started visiting as the days drew on, but a few people still did. It was more peaceful. Rian was here for his morning visit, while most people who’d visited all the time during the first week and most people who visited at all now would still be sleeping.
“Alex. You look like shi -” “Don’t even.” “Okay.” he mumbled, taking a seat at the other side of Jack. “Hey, Jack-o.” He always spoke to Jack like he was conscious, Alex liked that about the drummer. “How’s Alex been holding up today?” “I’m sure he’d tell you that - not very well.” Alex responded to Rian’s question to Jack before going off into the story about what happened. The slightly younger boy moved over and hugged his friend, rocking him slightly as he cried and telling him everything would be okay, filling him with hope that Jack would be okay and that they’d get Evie back. Hope that Alex’s own, nor Jack’s parents would give him in case it turned out to be untrue. Jack’s mother joined them once again, smiling sadly at the two before she threw Alex an apologetic look, trying to hand the struggling little girl over. “Sorry, she won’t calm down.” Evie wasn’t exactly crying, but she was making distressed noises and attempting to fight away her Grandmother. Alex took her and she soon settled, shouting “DA! DA!” really loudly and calming the male a lot. “Did she just call you Dada?” asked Rian, shocked and proud that he heard the child speak. “I think she said ‘Da’ twice, she said it earlier this morning.” “Alex! That’s great! She’s learning to talk!” He grinned at the singer. Alex smiled proudly at the little girl. Alex’s mom was the next person to enter the room, smiling at the scene and Alex called out “MUM!” in a voice that sounded so relieved to finally see the woman. She hugged her grandchild with one arm and hugged her son with the other arm. “Joyce told me what happened. Any change with Jack?” he shook his head into her shoulder and more tears began to fall as she cooed him. Still, she didn’t assure him that it’d all be okay, she couldn‘t for fear that it wouldn‘t.
***
Much later in the day after a day filled with telling Jack whatever came into his head and attempting to watch the TV in the claustrophobic hospital room and after another set of slightly more busy visiting hours, basically a day like any other in Alex’s now found routine: Alex, Jack and Evie were finally alone together. Alex, sick of sitting, was stood, swaying with the little girl who had her head rested against his shoulder, obviously tired. He hadn’t brought a book and he wasn’t in the mood to make up a bed-time story, so instead he sang gentle lyrics to her and began to pace the room, glancing at Jack every once in a while.
“You’ve gotta swim, swim for your life,
swim for the music that saves you when you’re not so sure you’ll survive,
you’ve gotta swim, swim when it hurts,
the whole word is watching, you haven’t come this far to fall off the earth,
currents will pull you away from your love, just keep your head above…”
The little girl began to breath softly in his arms, fast asleep, he placed her in her carrier and situated her so he could watch her from his chair, before turning back to Jack and gripping his hand, instead singing the song to him. Singing for the three of them. His small family which he was witnessing fall apart in front of him.
I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn,
memories like bullets, they fired at me from a gun,
with a crack in the armour, yeah…
I swim for better days, despite the absence of sun,
chocking on salt water, I’m not giving in, I swim…
You gotta swim, for the nights that won’t end,
swim for your families, your lovers, your sisters and brothers and friends,
You gotta swim through wars without cause,
swim for the lost politicians, who don’t see their greed as a flaw,
currents will pull us away from our love, just keep your head above…
I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn,
memories like bullets, they fired at me from a gun,
with a crack in the armour, yeah…
I swim for better days, despite the absence of sun,
chocking on salt water, I’m not giving in,
well, I’m not giving in, I swim…
You gotta swim, swim in the dark,
there’s no shame in drifting, feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark,
Yeah, you gotta swim, don’t let yourself sink,
just find the horizon,
I promise you it’s not as far as you’d think,
The currents will drag us away from our love,
just keep your head above,
just keep your head above, swim
just keep your head above, swim…
yeah swim…
He broke off. If they were in a movie, this would be the part where the patient in the bed awoke, a little bit groggy and said the person who was singing’s name, but this wasn’t a movie and Jack didn’t awake or attempt to speak Alex’s name. The older boy sat in silence, not wanting to speak. “That was amazing.” whispered a timid voice and he turned to see Jack’s nurse in the door way. He blinked away the tears in his eyes and attempted to acknowledge her with a small smile, which left again the moment it appeared. “I heard you were in a band and you were a singer and all, but that sounded amazing.” he watched her cautiously, what were the chances that one of their fans was a nurse? “That’s not our band’s song, actually, but the singer in me does seem to naturally come out more when I’m upset.” Upset. Understatement of the year. “I’m sure if Mr Barakat can hear right now he’ll be glad to have heard you singing for him.” Alex nodded politely, he couldn’t care less, his time with Jack was being interrupted. The nurse continued checking over Jack. “Still stable, no improvements, but luckily not deterioration either. Alex? If he awakes be sure to sing that for him again?” Alex sighed and looked over at his lover, carefully running his fingers through the unconscious boy’s hair slowly. There they were again with the ifs and uncertainty, no one ever wanted to offer him whens and certainty that Jack would wake up. They had to keep reminding him that it wasn’t certain. That the love of his life may not have a future. But if he did, he’d be sure to remember to sing that song for him.
Author: Me, CherylMcMinorrr
Pairing: Jalex
Rating: PG?
Part: 1/4
Genre: Angst for this chapter and the next few.
Summary: What happens when the life you’ve come to know gets shook up in every possible way? Sometimes you need to be on the verge of losing it all before you realise what you had. (Sorry, I fail at writing summaries)
Disclaimer: This hasn’t happened and I hope it doesn’t. I don't own any of All Time Low, derr. Title belongs to Blink 182.
A/N: I don’t know how many people use the word “Nanna” or “Nan” instead of Grandma, but just in case you aren’t familiar with the term, some people do. It depends on the person, I never said Grandma, but I know people who call one female grandparent “Nanna” and one “Grandma” so I thought I’d do that in this. Just a heads up. Also, I know nothing about official terms or anything involved in law and even less when it’s to do with the US and not my own country, so sorry if something‘s not accurate.
A constant beep-beep sound filled the brightened room, which was overruled with white. White flooring, white ceiling, white sheets, white walls, white lights, too much of the colour for anyone’s liking. It felt too bright, too big and too pure to the young man who was sitting uncomfortably in a (surprisingly not white) chair. He felt a stirring in his arms and reluctantly averted his eyes from the motionless form in the too white bed and glanced down at the pair of just opened dark brown eyes of the one year old in his arms. The baby didn’t cry at waking, as babies usually did and as she usually would have done. It was as though she could sense the uneasy silence upon the unnaturally white room. Alex offered her a small smile, repositioning her so she was sitting up on his knee and he rocked her gently, causing her to smile. “Nanna will be here soon, Evie.” He whispered into the little girl’s dark hair, eyes once again trained on the man in the bed. He knew she probably didn’t understand, but it gave him a small comfort speaking to her.
The hospital. It was really no place for a baby. Especially not the ward they were currently situated in, but it was where Alex was spending the most of his time and it’s not like she understood fully what was going on here. Besides, he‘d tried other ways of getting her to sleep the night before, he’d tried everything he could think of, even walking her around the block at midnight in her pram. He’d succeeded in waking everyone who had been asleep, but not in getting the baby to sleep. It wasn’t until he’d brought her here, to the side of her father, that she’d shut her eyes and stopped crying in favour of soft snores. Her cries had woken up Alex and Jack’s entire neighbourhood, but they still hadn’t managed to awaken Jack.
Tears once again filled the older boy’s eyes thinking about the younger man who was still as motionless as ever in the bed, and the constant beeping sounds which still spilled from the machinery he was attached to. He focused on this, the tune it was creating and refused to let the tears fall. He wouldn’t cry in front of Evie, he had to be strong for her. Anyway, if he cried, she’d probably scream the place down and disturb everyone and he was way too exhausted for that. It was an hour before Jack’s official morning visiting hours, when his mum could come and relieve him for a short while. He loved the child, he loved her to pieces, but he certainly wasn’t in the right place mentally to be looking after her.
The little girl giggled when the door opened and he expected it to be Jack’s mother at the other side of the door, the only person who, still on record as Jack’s next of kin, was supposed to be allowed to come and go as she wanted to. Alex didn’t know what he’d do, however, if they’d confined him to the three short hours a day visitors were supposed to get, so Mrs. Barakat had yanked a few chains and given a few harsh words, before they also gave Alex the right to come here whenever he wanted to. He looked up in anticipation for his almost-mother-in-law, but instead was met by the stony face of a man in a suit. “Mr. Alex Gaskarth?” The man asked with a strong English accent and Alex, although he didn’t recognise the man, thought he could be here concerning the case he was fighting on Jack’s behalf and nodded slightly. “I thought I’d find you here, Mr Gaskarth, after getting no response at your house.” Alex threw him a look that clearly told him to ‘get down to it’. He seriously wasn’t in the mood for any kind of small talk off of an official.
“Do you want to do this somewhere else?” Alex shot him a distraught look at the suggestion, shouldn’t it be clear he wasn’t planning on leaving Jack’s side any time soon? “Here’s fine.” he said, his voice cracking from lack of use. The older man nodded and set his briefcase down. “I wish I was here on better terms Mr. Gaskarth, but I’m not. I’m here concerning an Eva Joyce Barakat.” Alex quickly looked at the quiet baby on his knee, not sure what the other man meant. “Let me elaborate. My name’s Alistair Paul.” The man showed him his name card and ID. “I’m an attorney-at-law. A report has recently been filed saying that Mr. Barakat is currently unable to care for the child and care is being shifted between Mr. Barakat‘s fiancée,” he paused to look over his glasses at Alex. “the child’s Grandmother and other relations or people close to her. Is this correct Mr. Gaskarth?” Alex felt like he was being interrogated in a court room. “Uh… Yes.”
“Well, then that would have been left as that unless the case worsened.” the man looked over at Jack, who would have looked peaceful if it wasn’t for countless tubes and wires hooked up to him. “Jack isn’t just a case and he best not get worse.” Alex said weakly, feeling like he was about to be shot while he was down. “Yes. Of course Mr. Gaskarth. Now as I was saying, the situation would have been left, but her mother recently got back in touch, saying she wanted to try and reclaim custody of the child. We’ve reviewed the mother’s situation and she’s perfectly fit to hold residence of the child.“ Alex’s grip tightened on the little girl, he remembered the woman’s annoying voice clearly enough and the last time they saw her, just over twelve months ago, she’d clearly told them that she wanted nothing to do with the new born child. She’d been more than willing to sign custody over to Jack. He frowned. “Seeing as you’re not actually, in the eyes of the law, Eva’s guardian and her custodial parent isn’t in a condition to care for her, we’re obliged to send the child to her mother.” Alex’s stomach dropped, he felt sick. Not Evie as well, everyone he cared for was being taken away.
“When? When do you want to take her?” He croaked, his eyes now trained on Evie’s big brown eyes, Jack’s eyes. Sounds were coming out of the little girl’s mouth and her hands were flailing slightly. She giggled which caused him to forget the weight of the world for a short while and smile at her, before she grabbed at Alex’s sleeve and clearly said “Da!” in her baby tone and giggled again. Alex grinned at her, it was close to dad, close. Then before he could say anything to her, the man spoke again and shattered the mental bubble he was inside with Evie. “Tomorrow, from your home address this time, Mr Gaskarth. And don’t even attempt to not be there, you don’t want the law on your case when you still have to fight Jack’s case in court, do you now?” How could he let his little girl go with this man? And back to that woman? He shuddered, but nodded all the same. “We’ll be home. Can I fight for her?” “If you and your attorney find the time in between trying to find whoever did this to Jack and trying to get them sentenced, but they won’t be in your favour, she’s the girl’s mother after all.” He was certain that he felt worse than he did before Mr. Paul had shown his face, if that was even possible. Mr. Paul stood up and offered Alex his hand to shake, which Alex rejected and continued staring down at the little girl.
He didn’t know who he wanted to look at more, his baby or his lover, because he was sure he was about to lose both of them and he was scared, very scared. He wanted to curl up and cry, but for now Evie was still in his charge and he had to make sure she was okay, instead of crying. “Who was that?” Jack’s mom, Joyce, asked pulling him from his train of thought and he was all kinds of glad to hear her voice. He handed her granddaughter to her as she took the seat Mr. Paul had just vacated. She hugged the little girl and whispered her a “Hello”, while Alex clasped his fingers back around Jack’s. It took him about twenty minutes to explain everything to her and he seriously felt like he was going to cry by the time he was done. Joyce hugged him and asked if she’d like some time alone with Jack. He didn’t want to let the little girl out of his sight, but he also felt like he needed some time to cry, so he agreed. “Oh. If my mum turns up, tell her what happened and say she won’t need to watch Evie anymore because I’d rather stay with her.” He quickly added before she left the room.
Once he was alone with Jack, he leaned over and gently kissed him on the cheek, before using the hand that wasn’t holding his tightly to brush some of the hair from the younger boy’s face. He stoked his cheek gently and whispered soft, loving words to him, before asking him what he should do. Of course he got no answer, he never did, so he just focused on the closed eyelids, willing them to open and reveal Jack’s warm, dark brown eyes, but that never happened either. It’d been a few weeks now. He remembered the day it happened clearly. They were arguing about something trivial and although he couldn’t even remember what, he was sure it wasn’t worth it. Evie had begun crying in her pram as both her parents voices became more and more raised. “Oh fuck this! I’m taking her home!” He’d shouted, pushing the pram away and rocking it slightly, trying to hush the baby, while stopping his own tears from falling. He couldn’t show Jack that he’d made him cry. His tears freely hit Jack’s sheets now as he watched his face, hoping for any kind of movement. The less there was the more he cried. That was the day the boy he loved had been hit by a drunk driver, while he, unknowing, read a bed-time story to their child.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered to possibly unhearing ears, although the doctors had told them that hearing was the last sense to go. He hoped it was true. He hoped Jack would wake up and soon, he wasn’t coping without him as well as he was leading people to believe and he still blamed himself for this no matter how many people told him it wasn’t his fault. Jack’s parents, siblings and friends all told him he wasn’t to blame. Their band mates, his own parents even, he still didn’t believe any of them, but he couldn’t change the past, no matter how much he wished. He placed another kiss to Jack’s cheek and then the door opened as the clock hit ten, signalling the start of Jack‘s first visiting hour of the day. It made it sound like the younger boy was in prison, as apposed to a coma. Alex figured he’d chose prison, at least then he’d know the younger was relatively okay. In the first week, Jack’s room would be so filled with visitors during visiting hours that Alex would have to leave the room lest he’d faint. However less people had started visiting as the days drew on, but a few people still did. It was more peaceful. Rian was here for his morning visit, while most people who’d visited all the time during the first week and most people who visited at all now would still be sleeping.
“Alex. You look like shi -” “Don’t even.” “Okay.” he mumbled, taking a seat at the other side of Jack. “Hey, Jack-o.” He always spoke to Jack like he was conscious, Alex liked that about the drummer. “How’s Alex been holding up today?” “I’m sure he’d tell you that - not very well.” Alex responded to Rian’s question to Jack before going off into the story about what happened. The slightly younger boy moved over and hugged his friend, rocking him slightly as he cried and telling him everything would be okay, filling him with hope that Jack would be okay and that they’d get Evie back. Hope that Alex’s own, nor Jack’s parents would give him in case it turned out to be untrue. Jack’s mother joined them once again, smiling sadly at the two before she threw Alex an apologetic look, trying to hand the struggling little girl over. “Sorry, she won’t calm down.” Evie wasn’t exactly crying, but she was making distressed noises and attempting to fight away her Grandmother. Alex took her and she soon settled, shouting “DA! DA!” really loudly and calming the male a lot. “Did she just call you Dada?” asked Rian, shocked and proud that he heard the child speak. “I think she said ‘Da’ twice, she said it earlier this morning.” “Alex! That’s great! She’s learning to talk!” He grinned at the singer. Alex smiled proudly at the little girl. Alex’s mom was the next person to enter the room, smiling at the scene and Alex called out “MUM!” in a voice that sounded so relieved to finally see the woman. She hugged her grandchild with one arm and hugged her son with the other arm. “Joyce told me what happened. Any change with Jack?” he shook his head into her shoulder and more tears began to fall as she cooed him. Still, she didn’t assure him that it’d all be okay, she couldn‘t for fear that it wouldn‘t.
***
Much later in the day after a day filled with telling Jack whatever came into his head and attempting to watch the TV in the claustrophobic hospital room and after another set of slightly more busy visiting hours, basically a day like any other in Alex’s now found routine: Alex, Jack and Evie were finally alone together. Alex, sick of sitting, was stood, swaying with the little girl who had her head rested against his shoulder, obviously tired. He hadn’t brought a book and he wasn’t in the mood to make up a bed-time story, so instead he sang gentle lyrics to her and began to pace the room, glancing at Jack every once in a while.
“You’ve gotta swim, swim for your life,
swim for the music that saves you when you’re not so sure you’ll survive,
you’ve gotta swim, swim when it hurts,
the whole word is watching, you haven’t come this far to fall off the earth,
currents will pull you away from your love, just keep your head above…”
The little girl began to breath softly in his arms, fast asleep, he placed her in her carrier and situated her so he could watch her from his chair, before turning back to Jack and gripping his hand, instead singing the song to him. Singing for the three of them. His small family which he was witnessing fall apart in front of him.
I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn,
memories like bullets, they fired at me from a gun,
with a crack in the armour, yeah…
I swim for better days, despite the absence of sun,
chocking on salt water, I’m not giving in, I swim…
You gotta swim, for the nights that won’t end,
swim for your families, your lovers, your sisters and brothers and friends,
You gotta swim through wars without cause,
swim for the lost politicians, who don’t see their greed as a flaw,
currents will pull us away from our love, just keep your head above…
I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn,
memories like bullets, they fired at me from a gun,
with a crack in the armour, yeah…
I swim for better days, despite the absence of sun,
chocking on salt water, I’m not giving in,
well, I’m not giving in, I swim…
You gotta swim, swim in the dark,
there’s no shame in drifting, feel the tide shifting and wait for the spark,
Yeah, you gotta swim, don’t let yourself sink,
just find the horizon,
I promise you it’s not as far as you’d think,
The currents will drag us away from our love,
just keep your head above,
just keep your head above, swim
just keep your head above, swim…
yeah swim…
He broke off. If they were in a movie, this would be the part where the patient in the bed awoke, a little bit groggy and said the person who was singing’s name, but this wasn’t a movie and Jack didn’t awake or attempt to speak Alex’s name. The older boy sat in silence, not wanting to speak. “That was amazing.” whispered a timid voice and he turned to see Jack’s nurse in the door way. He blinked away the tears in his eyes and attempted to acknowledge her with a small smile, which left again the moment it appeared. “I heard you were in a band and you were a singer and all, but that sounded amazing.” he watched her cautiously, what were the chances that one of their fans was a nurse? “That’s not our band’s song, actually, but the singer in me does seem to naturally come out more when I’m upset.” Upset. Understatement of the year. “I’m sure if Mr Barakat can hear right now he’ll be glad to have heard you singing for him.” Alex nodded politely, he couldn’t care less, his time with Jack was being interrupted. The nurse continued checking over Jack. “Still stable, no improvements, but luckily not deterioration either. Alex? If he awakes be sure to sing that for him again?” Alex sighed and looked over at his lover, carefully running his fingers through the unconscious boy’s hair slowly. There they were again with the ifs and uncertainty, no one ever wanted to offer him whens and certainty that Jack would wake up. They had to keep reminding him that it wasn’t certain. That the love of his life may not have a future. But if he did, he’d be sure to remember to sing that song for him.