Just Crash
Title: Just Crash
Author: badenoughforyou
Pairing: Jalex
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Just crash. Fall down. I'll wrap my arms around you now.
[A/N] Just a little break from my main story. As you'll see, I was quite down while writing this. Yeah, I was pretty close to crying writing this. But I really liked how it turned out.
"I want to hate you, Alex! I really wish I could!" Jack yelled as his boyfriend walked in drunk for the fourth night in one week. It was routine, though. He shouldn't have expected any less.
"Babe, just chill out…" The older boy slurred, leaning against the wall to keep himself from falling. Jack's insides were churning with the urge to kick him out. But he knew he could never do that. No, he couldn't kick his best friend out on the street, especially not in this state.
"Chill out? Are you kidding me! I've been worried sick all night, Alex!" Jack shrieked, unable to keep his voice down any more. He knew he would be getting hell tomorrow from the neighbors. Alex just grinned his stupid, infuriating grin and stumbled over to Jack, wrapping his arms around the boy's neck.
"Don't be so testy…" Alex purred, running his hands down his stomach and even lower. Jack jerked away, not wanting to fall prey to these antics. He deserved better. He felt hot tears stinging his eyes as he backed up into the counter, feeling his heart threatening to beat out of his chest.
"Why do you do this to me?" Jack asked helplessly. This wasn't the Alex he once knew. This boy was so much different. He wasn't the same care free lad he'd met when he was fourteen. It felt as if he'd never be the same. Jack had tried so hard and progress rarely lasted more than a week, if that. He felt a tear slip down his cheek, but he quickly brushed it away before Alex would have the time to feel bad and try to redeem himself in a drunken stupor, as usual.
"Babe, I don't see why you're over… overreact…" Alex started, getting confused as the sentence attempted to form itself. This was the last straw for Jack.
"I'm leaving." Jack said, his voice tight. He quickly brushed past Alex before he had time to change his mind, grabbing his coat and keys. He didn't even look back to see Alex's devastated face. Even in this state, he knew what that meant. He knew Jack was a man of his word and when he said he was leaving, he was leaving. He slammed the door, the tears coming down faster and greater.
He tried to think of better times as he walked down the dark street, the snow of early January falling gently onto him, not making a sound. He stopped at the corner, his feet heavy. Was he doing the right thing? He felt his heart ache. A couple stopped beside him, holding hands and laughing, looking at one another as if the world revolved around the other. He knew that look, that feeling. He could probably describe in detail what they felt fluttering in their chests, making their hearts beat irregularly. He tore his eyes away, not able to take it much longer. He was about to just bolt across the road when the cross walk signal blinked on the other side.
"Jack! Don't you know you're supposed to look both ways before crossing? My dog got hit by a car once. It was awful and I can't imagine what I'd do if you got hit by a car because you're much cuter than a puppy. I'd probably sue."
Jack felt his throat closing up as he heard the voice of a young Alex in his head. It was in eighth grade and one of the first times Alex and he had walked home together, which eventually became a habit. The small memory was enough to make the boy reconsider going back home. All he wanted to do was go back and cuddle with the older boy, watching Saturday Night Live until they both fell asleep on each other.
But he kept walking. He had to. It was the only way to get the boy out of his mind. Or so Jack thought.
As he walked through the darkened city streets, he realized that Alex and he had a memory at every street corner, every lamp post, every bench, every store….
"Why can't you just get out of my head?" Jack asked quietly, feeling as though he would go insane from his little walk.
"Jack… I think… I think you're more than a friend, you know?"
"No…" Jack lied to himself. "No, you should have never said that to me, Alex. You should have never made me fall in love with you… You selfish bastard…" Jack said softly, stopping at a bench, sitting down before he collapsed.
"What would you say if I kissed you?"
"I would say that boys don't kiss boys…" Jack cried softly, speaking the long-gone dialogue out loud.
"But would you really mean that? I can see you feel the same way as I do…"
"I know I did… I know that. I know you mean so much more to me than I do to you." Jack said to himself, as if Alex was sitting right there, listening closely, just as he used to.
He could almost feel that first kiss against his trembling lips. He felt the warmth of Alex's soft lips on his and the slow, calculated movement.
"You don't love me… you never meant it when you said it. You just wanted to keep me here." He said to nobody. But he knew this wasn't true. Alex had once meant it. Little did Jack know that he still did.
"Jack, I think I love you."
"You're a stupid boy, Alex. You can't know what love is at seventeen…" Jack said, responding to residual conversations.
"But I know it. I don't just think it."
Jack could feel his shoulders shaking uncontrollably as he sobbed into his crossed arms, knees pulled up to his chest. He felt so cold, as if nothing in this world would ever be able to make him as warm as that young Alex once had. Nobody's kisses would compare to his. Nobody's hugs. Nobody could replace the empty spot in his bed. Nobody could make him feel so happy.
And even though Jack's head screamed "Leave him!", his heart cried softly "Stay."
But if anyone knew Jack, they knew he had a rough time following through with things without thinking long and hard about it.
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Jack woke up in his hotel room, his covers strewn. He shivered and reached over to pull Alex in, but only found nothingness. The night before came flooding back to him all at once. His heart resumed that dull ache. He sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed.
He felt awful, as if he'd been hit by a freight train in his sleep. It seemed unusual. Jack was never sore in the morning and if he was, there was often a good reason. He didn't feel sore though. He felt sick. He felt as if someone had punched him in the gut.
He stumbled over to the sink and splashed cold water on his face, breathing heavily. He felt his world slipping out from under his feet. He grabbed for something, anything, but only grabbed air. He fell to the ground, not able to distinguish up from down. He felt hazy, his vision blurring and going black. He wasn't sure how long he'd been there, slipping away from the world, but he was roused by the sound of his cell phone.
It took everything in him to get up and walk to the nightstand. It was actually more like crawling. He grabbed it and realized it was about five in the morning. It was even still pitch black out.
"Hello?" He answered, his voice groggy.He didn't sound like himself at all.
"Mr. Barakat?" The voice on the other line asked. It sounded professional and gruff. "Are you a friend of Alexander William Gaskarth?" The man asked.
Jack felt suddenly sick. He knew why he had felt so awful before.
"Y-yes…" He choked. "Is he okay?" He asked, gripping the bed for support.
"I'm afraid Mr. Gaskarth was driving under the influence and… crashed his vehicle into a tree. I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Barakat. We weren't able to resuscitate him." The man said. Jack felt the dread leaking through the phone. He felt the his life slipping through his fingers. No… This couldn't be true. His sweet, kind, lovely Alex? No, he was fine. He was at the flat sleeping, and soon he'd wake up and feel horrible and Jack would be home to rub his back and give him Alka seltzer and he would forgive him for being a dumbass and Alex would say "Babe, I love you so much, so don't forget that." And Jack would say "I know…" and kiss him softly because saying "I love you" was just a waste of precious words and he could clearly express it through his kisses and hugs.
He suddenly felt himself being torn back into reality as he heard "Mr. Barakat?".
"U-um… Okay…" He said, not able to say much more and hung up.
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Jack walked into the silent flat, his heart and occasional sharp inhalations the only things to be heard.
He couldn't believe that only last night he had stormed out and left Alex to die alone. The thought, the words, everything, made Jack lose it. He slammed his fists against the cupboards, taking out mugs and smashing them, ripped the pillows off the couch, tipped over chairs, ripped pictures off the wall… He felt out of control and he hated it. He was the one who was supposed to be collected and calm. He felt pain shoot through him from an unseen force. He fell to the ground, sobbing on the floor, pounding against the carpet. He felt like tearing his hair out… he felt like ripping out his heart.
He didn't want to live anymore.
He stood up and made his way to the bathroom, his hands shaking at the prospect of what he was about to do. He opened the mirrored panes of the cupboard in the bathroom and took out every bottle he could find. The pills that he would use to get back to Alex. He almost didn't notice something.
He closed the doors and looked at his weapons of choice, the thought making him sick.
He leaned his forehead against the mirror, then noticed something taped to it. He had been so caught up in the task at hand that he hadn't noticed it earlier.
He pulled it off and almost started hyperventilating at the sight of the scratchy hand writing scrawled onto a half piece of notebook paper.
My dearest Jackary,
I'm sober enough to write this, surprisingly… If you get back and I'm not home yet, just know I'm fine. I just went out to go fetch you. I'm so sorry about everything… I promise… and I mean it this time… that I will be a way better boyfriend because I'm a pretty shitty one, I know. I know you deserve better. But, I want to be your best. I hope we can work this out. I think you're just too cute to lose
Love you to pieces,
Alex <33
Jack hadn't even finished reading it and he was sobbing like a maniac. He felt every fiber of his body being torn apart mercilessly by the words of the dead boy. His Alex.
His words did save him though.
"I won't do it, Alex… I love you so much, but you'll have to wait and I know you'll wait for me… I-I'm s-so sorry I ever d-doubted you…" Jack cried, now sitting on the cool tile floor. He couldn't imagine how he was going to recover from this. He knew he would never love someone as much as he loved the stupid, awkward boy that stumbled into his life so long ago.
"Jack, you know we'll be together forever, right? Don't ever doubt that."
But he knew Alex would want him to find happiness again.
"It's our time now to make this work, Jack. I love you."