Fireworks. [Chapter Forty-One]
Title: Fireworks
Author: Harriet, a.k.a masokisstiic
Rating: R
Pairing: Alex and Jack, if the kids don't believe, make them believe.
POV: Third
Summary: So it's true what they say, if you love someone, you should set them free.
Disclaimer: Totally fictional, soz.
Credit: Title to YouMeAtSix
A/N: Okay, so I lied when I said I'd update more frequently. I don't even have an excuse, but at least this is a quite long chapter to make up for it? Warning: Please don't cry |:
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Masterpost.
Jack never did come home with Alex after their hospital encounter.
“I’m gonna stay at my mom’s tonight Al, I just- I need to sort my head out, and maybe you should do the same.” Jack spoke quietly as both boys shuffled out of the Accident and Emergency exit and into the bitter cold wind.
“Jack, you’re just overreacting. I said I was sorry, what more do you want me from me?” Alex pleaded, even considering falling to his knees and fucking begging. He didn’t want to watch Jack walk away from him, even for just one night. He didn’t think he’d be able to sleep in an empty bed anymore.
“Maybe for you to actually mean it for once, because I never know what you’re saying anymore. I’m sorry Alex,” Then Jack spat the last remnants of blood and saliva from his tongue, before turning his back to the sobbing older boy. “I’ll see you tomorrow at midday after your appointment in Fracture Clinic, then we’ll talk again.”
“I love you.” Alex called out after the American as he started to walk in the direction he shouldn’t have gone in. He should have stayed with Alex, just accepted the apology, and maybe he should have said, “I love you, too.” But he didn’t, and that hurt more than anything at all.
Alex’s forefinger and thumb gently rubbed against the metal of the heart-shaped pendant that remained hanging around his neck by a flimsy chain that he’d had to replace the other week when Jack accidentally snapped it by tugging it too hard.
He’d been sat on his bed like this for a while now, two, three hours at least. Legs crossed, one hand in the lap, the other touching his necklace in some way, fingertip gently outlining the carving of his boyfriend’s name.
Alex didn’t even know what he expected to gain out of this. It was just a stupid piece of metal that no doubt cost too much and he could probably get a replica of it from Poundland if he looked hard enough. So why did it mean so much?
Maybe it was the simple fact that he knew this thing, this silly little gift contained all the emotions he’d bottled up in the past. Some still locked inside the silver, suffocating and never to be let out because Alex just didn’t know how to.
He wondered whether Jack was doing the same thing, maybe the younger boy was also searching for the answers from an item that done nothing but look pretty against his chest.
Alex took in a deep breath as he finally leant back on his bed to rest his aching back against the mattress. He longed to just close his eyes and fall asleep, he needed it if he were to feel the slightest bit easier, yet it seemed impossible without Jack beside him.
No matter how much Alex would complain about Jack pressing his knee too hard against his crotch, or when the American would wrap his fingers tightly around their duvet and pull it across his body, cocooning himself and forcing Alex to wrestle with him to have his warmth back, who would have known that Alex needed that at night to help him drift off?
His mind was full, too. Cram packed with useless thoughts, torturing himself in his own head. It didn’t seem to be the most pleasant place to be at the moment.
Alex couldn’t decide what it was exactly that he was feeling. A mixture of anger, sadness, and was that… was that heartbreak?
“How fucking pathetic, Alex. He got angry, that’s all. You probably would have hit the roof if you’d been the one accused of cheating on someone you know you would never hurt in a million bloody years. Get over yourself. He’ll be back.”
And right on cue there was the sound of the doorbell, a concerned Mrs. Gaskarth knowing exactly who would be standing at the door.
Alex listened to their brief conversation:
“Jack, is everything alright?”
“I don’t know.”
“He loves you, I hope you realise that.”
“I don’t think he does, but for what it’s worth, I think I’ll always love him.”
Alex’s mother didn’t say another word, not that the boy would have heard anyway. The only thing that was ringing in his head now was, “I don’t think he does.”
Was this what Jack was angry about? Not the false accusations, but because he thought Alex had fallen out of love with him?
Stupid, so fucking stupid.
Alex couldn’t contain himself as Jack opened their bedroom door; he leapt off the bed to stand tall on his feet (though still coming up short to the lankier boy in front). Alex’s face was washed of any colour but that didn’t stop the loud, sharp words spilling from his lips.
“I swear to fucking God, how can you even say that you don’t think I love you, after all the fucking shit that’s happened to us? I thought all that would have been enough to prove to you that you are fucking everything to me.”
Alex’s eyes narrowed to the younger boy whose lips parted slightly as if to speak, but not even the smallest of sounds escaped.
“I made a mistake, I know that Jack. I should have thought the fucking situation through in my head a bit before I used my fists, but I didn’t because I’m an arsehole and you should understand that fact better than anybody else.”
Alex silenced himself as Jack began to shake his head a smile of disbelief across his features.
“What? You’ve had me left worried fucking sick about what I’ve done, and now you’re laughing? Please, enlighten me.” Alex scoffed.
“This isn’t just about last night, Al. This is about our whole fucking relationship.”
“So I’ve never loved you, is that what you’re trying to imply?” The older boy cut in, folding his arms against his chest, (awkwardly, mind you, ‘cause of the bloody plaster cast that had been coated on as a form of protection by the nurses this morning).
Jack caught himself tutting and he felt like a parent scolding a small child, “If you don’t let me explain myself then I’ll just turn around and walk out of this house right now and I won’t come crawling back.” He warned, “I don’t want to be shouting at you either, nor do I want you screaming your fucking lungs at me.”
Alex breathed in deeply through his nose, nodding his head as he exhaled, “Okay, I’m sorry I just-“
“I get it, you don’t have to apologise.” Jack sighed, gesturing his hand toward the bed, “You’re frustrated, I’m frustrated, but I just wanna sort this. I want to know what’s going to happen with us.”
Alex perched himself on the edge of the bed, waiting until Jack sat beside him before speaking once more, “You could just kiss me and realise that I do love you and we can go back to normal?” He mumbled in a suggestive tone, “You must want that too, yeah?”
Jack lightly scratched the bridge of his nose, only wincing a little from the physical pain he was beginning to adapt to, “Of course I do, but it’s not that simple Alex, there’s more to it than just a few words.”
The strongly accented boy reached over a hand to gently thread his and Alex’s fingers together on the duvet, though his eyes refused to look up.
“How am I supposed to believe you love me when you tell me practically twenty-four seven?”
Jack felt the older boy attempt to pull his hand away from his, yet his fingers just tightened to show that he wasn’t going to let go without putting up a fight first.
Alex’s head cocked with confusion, “S-so let me get this straight,” He stammered, “You’re saying that I tell you I love you too much?”
Jack nodded, “In a way, yeah,” He began, “I mean, you know I like to hear you say it to me, at least, I used to like it until you started using the phrase as an excuse for everything.”
It was hard for Alex to remain calm and sensible, his heart was starting to race and bile began to force its way up his throat.
Swallowing hard, the male couldn’t quite find the right thing to say. Then he realised that that was the problem in the first place, he couldn’t express himself in the way Jack wanted him to.
“How am I using it as an excuse?” He asked genuinely, because he wanted to get to the bottom of this all, “I tell you I love you because I mean it and I want you to never forget that I do.”
“Well what about when we have an argument and you always end up saying ‘I love you’, because you know that I’m just going to turn around and say ‘I love you, too,’ and like that you’re off the hook. Do you still mean it then?” Jack fought back quickly, and he could feel his hand begin to sweat in Alex’s as he grew agitated.
The blonde haired boy’s eyes darted to the couple’s joined hands, even he had to admit that just a simple sign of affection didn’t feel right anymore.
“I do mean it,” He answered quietly, gently resting his arm in plaster cast against the mattress as it started to ache, “Of course I mean it, Jack. I joke about sometimes, but that’s just how I am. You do it too, y’know, I’m not the only guilty party here.” He offered the lightest of squeezes to Jack’s palm, “What if I just stop saying it altogether then?” He compromised, pausing to allow Jack enough time to think. “Start as we did before, two kids scared to utter the dreaded phrase.”
The younger teenager thought for a moment, not quite believing himself that he was actually taking Alex’s absurd negotiation into consideration.
Who was he kidding, though? Neither would be able to stick to the plan for too long, Alex would slip back into old habits and they’d be back at square one.
Burrowing his head into the crook of Alex’s neck and shoulder, careful to avoid anything brushing his sore nose, a muffled groan broke away from a tired mouth, “Even if you didn’t tell me, I doubt it would make much difference anyway...”
Jack’s focus drifted toward Alex’s necklace, he was intrigued at the way it gently swung side to side like the pendulum of a grandfather clock. Yet, even that seemed to suggest their relationship was like a time bomb ticking, and the boy was just waiting for the charm to stop dead.
Closing his eyes, Jack separated his and Alex’s hands to instead have his fingertips dance across the other boy’s clothed torso. With each slight touch a small, sickening shiver of guilt shot down his spine and his breathing began to lag as he flattened his palm against the English boy’s heart.
“I wish this beat was for me.” He whispered softly, eyes opening slowly, “I just can’t feel it anymore.”
And finally, Alex took it in turn to speak for he didn’t think he could keep himself silent for much longer. He’d listened for long enough.
“It is for you, Jack, why can’t you understand that?” He groaned, fingers prying Jack’s own away from his chest. “You’re clinging onto me as if you do, but nothing that you’re saying is matching up.”
Sinking his teeth down on his lower lip, Jack turned his head away, “I’m just- I’m searching for the feelings that I used to have. Every touch with you used to electrify me, but in the best way possible; even the slightest brush of our shoulders, a warmth would flow through my blood, straight from the heart. It’s been missing for a while now, I just want it back, but I-I can’t find it…”
The taller boy leant his elbows on his knees and tilted his head into his own palms. Threading his digits through the matted, tangled locks, he fought so hard to keep himself in tact. “I never told you because I thought that maybe it was just me, thought it was just a stupid side effect of my anti-depressants.” He admitted, straightening his posture, “I tried to forget about it, just brush it off, but then with everything that happened yesterday it all came back. When I was lying on the bed in my room at my mom’s, I thought it through, and nothing seems to be okay anymore.”
The sad thing was that Alex couldn’t deny it either. Jack hadn’t been the only one to sense something wasn’t quite what it used to be, but just like his boy, he didn’t want to speak up in fear of ruining what they had. Too late now.
“You’re right.”
“Of course I am.” Jack joked lightly, hoping for at least a small smile to pull at Alex’s thin lips, but nothing.
Sighing, the American lifted his shoulders toward his ears before dropping them back down in a shrug, “So what do we do now then, Al?”
“What more is there to do?” The male answered back, “You don’t believe me when I say I love you, and neither of us feel that ‘spark’ we used to. You just don’t want to admit that maybe…” Alex’s breath hitched in his throat as his voice began to deteriorate, leaving Jack to finish his sentence for him, “Maybe this really is the end.”
And that was the point when the tears broke through the barriers, spilling over and trickling down Alex’s cool cheeks, “I knew I was never good enough for you, Jack.”
“Don’t say that, don’t you dare say that…” Jack stated shaking his head, “You are, because you are the boy I’ve fallen for. I have been the luckiest guy alive to have had the privilege of calling you mine but I just think that now our time is up. At least we had a good run, d-didn’t we?”
Alex slowly nodded, blinking furiously but to no avail, he was a wreck now, that much was obvious. “I guess,” He answered, though the question was probably rhetorical. “I don’t want you to leave though, Jack. I-I’m nothing without you, fucking nothing.” He choked, his shaky hand lifted to rub at his cheek, “There has to be something I can do, anything, you name it, I’ll do it. Please, baby…”
Jack gingerly cupped Alex’s face, tilting his head to face him, “Oh, darling,” He murmured, and he wanted to reach forward and press their lips together for one last time, but he just couldn’t. “Know that I’m not letting you go forever,” He said calmly, “I don’t think I could ever do that.”
Jack gently wrapped his arms around the other’s neck, “I think we both know that perhaps we’ve rushed into this.”
Rush was an understatement.
Alex had been well aware of the fact that the pace of their relationship had sped dramatically since Jack’s attempt to take his life. Like a blur it all seemed, because suddenly they had finally stood up for themselves and not listened to what anybody had to say to them, then Jack moved in because his mum acted selfishly, and even his own parents had said they acted like a married couple already. Alex never even wanted that, he would have laughed hysterically if somebody in his past had told him he’d find himself committed to someone at the age of eighteen, let alone live with them and share every waking moment together.
Jack really was Alex’s world, but he couldn’t help to think that maybe things would have been so much easier if they had taken their time. They’d missed out on a lot, frankly.
“Y-yeah, we did.” Alex agreed, “But that wasn’t up to us, w-was it? Fate made it happen, s-so maybe we were supposed to be like this.” The older boy suggested, “E-everything happens for a reason, doesn’t it?”
Again, Jack shrugged, ‘cause nobody knew the answers anymore. “I don’t know, Al, all I know is that if we are supposed to be together, then in the future, maybe we’ll cross paths once more.” It was the best he could offer, as Jack wasn’t so sure, his philosophical speeches were simply taken from quotes he’d found on the Internet. “Like I said, it’s not forever. It’s just a break, something we need. Space, we haven’t had a lot of it lately. Fuck, I could even be back tomorrow for all we know,” He stopped himself as Alex’s eyes lit up for just a second as the slightest glimmer of hope flashed through him, “I-I doubt it though…” He finished, it paining him to watch as Alex crumbled once more.
“You can’t just say we’re on a break, Jack.” Alex mumbled, pushing the boy away from him. He didn’t want comforting anymore. “I would rather you fucking walk out on me right this second than you say we need a break.” He spat, ‘cause he’d read about this in romance novels before and they never ended well. “How the fuck will I know where I stand in this if I don’t know whether you’re going to come back or not?” He asked with his eyes narrowed through a mixture of frustration and confusion. “I don’t want you to hurt me like that, Jack.”
“Then I won’t-“
“If you want a bloody break then you will!” Alex interrupted in anger, “’Cause I’m gonna be hoping and praying to a God I don't even believe in, that you realise you made a mistake and you want us back together, and that hope is just gonna build until the day that I fucking realise you’re not ever coming home.”
“But I might,” Jack tried to argue, “I don’t know what’s going to happen, and neither do you, this is why I’m tryin’ to come up with fucking ideas! I’m sorry they’re not good enough for you, but it’s the best I can do when I’m trying to fucking hold myself together. I don’t wanna cry, Alex, but I’m so fucking close.” He confessed.
Alex scoffed as his arms folded across his chest in an uncomfortable manner, “Weren’t you the one to tell me that it’s okay to cry?” He asked, “Anyway,” The boy started, “Wh-what’s it gonna be, Jack?”
Cocking his head, Jack’s brows pulled toward the bridge of his nose, “What’s what gonna be?”
“E-either we stay together and sort this out somehow like we know deep down that we can, o-or you go and don’t come back. I can’t deal with having a break from you and being bloody clueless, so you have the choice.” The older boy stated firmly to show that he wasn’t going to change his mind anymore, “I want you here with me Jack, I know that this is where you belong, even though it doesn’t feel like it right now, but doesn’t every couple have their rough patches? Mm, well, that’s just what I want though, a-and now it’s up to you.”
Time appeared to stop altogether as Jack breathed in deeply and locked eyes with Alex’s. He searched for the lost emotions through the pools of brown, but as nothing reached the surface for air, the decision was made.
“I-I guess this really is the end then.”
And like that, Alex’s heart shattered like broken glass.
What was he really expecting, honestly? He did give Jack the option, after all, but he never really thought the other boy would choose the latter.
“W-wait, what?” The English boy choked, “N-no, you’re not supposed to say that, Jack!”
Standing up from the bed, Jack turned his cheek to the boy so that Alex didn’t have to watch him cry.
“I-I’m sorry,” He sobbed, “I just can’t do this anymore, Alex. I-If I stay, th-then I know you’ll be happy at least for a little while, b-but if things don’t improve then we’ll just grow frustrated with one another a-and with your temper I don’t wanna risk it. I-If I go, though, yeah, it will hurt so fucking much and I won’t want to carry on anymore, but I know that I can because I’ve recovered from a broken heart before, I can do it again.”
Alex’s eyes grew large, sorrowful as they glistened with fresh tears, “B-but what about me, Jack? I-I’ve never had to deal with something like this before, wh-what if I can’t do it?” He questioned meekly, straightening his knees and standing opposite to the boy whom would always be his everything. “I couldn’t even sleep last night knowing that you weren’t there beside me, s-so how can I get through fucking whole days, weeks, I doubt I could last a month.”
Jack shook his head, a small smile forcing itself through the hurt. Reaching his arm forward to Alex’s torso, with his fingers he carefully lifted the heart-shaped pendant with his name engraved on the surface, “That’s how.” Then he let go to watch the pendant, the pendulum of the grandfather clock, slowly swing from left to right. “I told you before, and I’ll tell you again, Alex, I love you. I will always love you, and the purpose of having my name against your chest was to remind you that I do.”
Alex parted his lips to return the heartfelt phrase; ‘I love you, too,’ yet as Jack noticed this he barricaded the older boy’s mouth with his own.
Their last kiss.
“D-don’t say anything, okay?” He whispered, “Goodbye, Alex.”
And Jack turned away to walk out of the bedroom, Alex’s bedroom, his bedroom, their bedroom, ignoring that tiny spark from the final colliding of their lips.
Author: Harriet, a.k.a masokisstiic
Rating: R
Pairing: Alex and Jack, if the kids don't believe, make them believe.
POV: Third
Summary: So it's true what they say, if you love someone, you should set them free.
Disclaimer: Totally fictional, soz.
Credit: Title to YouMeAtSix
A/N: Okay, so I lied when I said I'd update more frequently. I don't even have an excuse, but at least this is a quite long chapter to make up for it? Warning: Please don't cry |:
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Masterpost.
Jack never did come home with Alex after their hospital encounter.
“I’m gonna stay at my mom’s tonight Al, I just- I need to sort my head out, and maybe you should do the same.” Jack spoke quietly as both boys shuffled out of the Accident and Emergency exit and into the bitter cold wind.
“Jack, you’re just overreacting. I said I was sorry, what more do you want me from me?” Alex pleaded, even considering falling to his knees and fucking begging. He didn’t want to watch Jack walk away from him, even for just one night. He didn’t think he’d be able to sleep in an empty bed anymore.
“Maybe for you to actually mean it for once, because I never know what you’re saying anymore. I’m sorry Alex,” Then Jack spat the last remnants of blood and saliva from his tongue, before turning his back to the sobbing older boy. “I’ll see you tomorrow at midday after your appointment in Fracture Clinic, then we’ll talk again.”
“I love you.” Alex called out after the American as he started to walk in the direction he shouldn’t have gone in. He should have stayed with Alex, just accepted the apology, and maybe he should have said, “I love you, too.” But he didn’t, and that hurt more than anything at all.
Alex’s forefinger and thumb gently rubbed against the metal of the heart-shaped pendant that remained hanging around his neck by a flimsy chain that he’d had to replace the other week when Jack accidentally snapped it by tugging it too hard.
He’d been sat on his bed like this for a while now, two, three hours at least. Legs crossed, one hand in the lap, the other touching his necklace in some way, fingertip gently outlining the carving of his boyfriend’s name.
Alex didn’t even know what he expected to gain out of this. It was just a stupid piece of metal that no doubt cost too much and he could probably get a replica of it from Poundland if he looked hard enough. So why did it mean so much?
Maybe it was the simple fact that he knew this thing, this silly little gift contained all the emotions he’d bottled up in the past. Some still locked inside the silver, suffocating and never to be let out because Alex just didn’t know how to.
He wondered whether Jack was doing the same thing, maybe the younger boy was also searching for the answers from an item that done nothing but look pretty against his chest.
Alex took in a deep breath as he finally leant back on his bed to rest his aching back against the mattress. He longed to just close his eyes and fall asleep, he needed it if he were to feel the slightest bit easier, yet it seemed impossible without Jack beside him.
No matter how much Alex would complain about Jack pressing his knee too hard against his crotch, or when the American would wrap his fingers tightly around their duvet and pull it across his body, cocooning himself and forcing Alex to wrestle with him to have his warmth back, who would have known that Alex needed that at night to help him drift off?
His mind was full, too. Cram packed with useless thoughts, torturing himself in his own head. It didn’t seem to be the most pleasant place to be at the moment.
Alex couldn’t decide what it was exactly that he was feeling. A mixture of anger, sadness, and was that… was that heartbreak?
“How fucking pathetic, Alex. He got angry, that’s all. You probably would have hit the roof if you’d been the one accused of cheating on someone you know you would never hurt in a million bloody years. Get over yourself. He’ll be back.”
And right on cue there was the sound of the doorbell, a concerned Mrs. Gaskarth knowing exactly who would be standing at the door.
Alex listened to their brief conversation:
“Jack, is everything alright?”
“I don’t know.”
“He loves you, I hope you realise that.”
“I don’t think he does, but for what it’s worth, I think I’ll always love him.”
Alex’s mother didn’t say another word, not that the boy would have heard anyway. The only thing that was ringing in his head now was, “I don’t think he does.”
Was this what Jack was angry about? Not the false accusations, but because he thought Alex had fallen out of love with him?
Stupid, so fucking stupid.
Alex couldn’t contain himself as Jack opened their bedroom door; he leapt off the bed to stand tall on his feet (though still coming up short to the lankier boy in front). Alex’s face was washed of any colour but that didn’t stop the loud, sharp words spilling from his lips.
“I swear to fucking God, how can you even say that you don’t think I love you, after all the fucking shit that’s happened to us? I thought all that would have been enough to prove to you that you are fucking everything to me.”
Alex’s eyes narrowed to the younger boy whose lips parted slightly as if to speak, but not even the smallest of sounds escaped.
“I made a mistake, I know that Jack. I should have thought the fucking situation through in my head a bit before I used my fists, but I didn’t because I’m an arsehole and you should understand that fact better than anybody else.”
Alex silenced himself as Jack began to shake his head a smile of disbelief across his features.
“What? You’ve had me left worried fucking sick about what I’ve done, and now you’re laughing? Please, enlighten me.” Alex scoffed.
“This isn’t just about last night, Al. This is about our whole fucking relationship.”
“So I’ve never loved you, is that what you’re trying to imply?” The older boy cut in, folding his arms against his chest, (awkwardly, mind you, ‘cause of the bloody plaster cast that had been coated on as a form of protection by the nurses this morning).
Jack caught himself tutting and he felt like a parent scolding a small child, “If you don’t let me explain myself then I’ll just turn around and walk out of this house right now and I won’t come crawling back.” He warned, “I don’t want to be shouting at you either, nor do I want you screaming your fucking lungs at me.”
Alex breathed in deeply through his nose, nodding his head as he exhaled, “Okay, I’m sorry I just-“
“I get it, you don’t have to apologise.” Jack sighed, gesturing his hand toward the bed, “You’re frustrated, I’m frustrated, but I just wanna sort this. I want to know what’s going to happen with us.”
Alex perched himself on the edge of the bed, waiting until Jack sat beside him before speaking once more, “You could just kiss me and realise that I do love you and we can go back to normal?” He mumbled in a suggestive tone, “You must want that too, yeah?”
Jack lightly scratched the bridge of his nose, only wincing a little from the physical pain he was beginning to adapt to, “Of course I do, but it’s not that simple Alex, there’s more to it than just a few words.”
The strongly accented boy reached over a hand to gently thread his and Alex’s fingers together on the duvet, though his eyes refused to look up.
“How am I supposed to believe you love me when you tell me practically twenty-four seven?”
Jack felt the older boy attempt to pull his hand away from his, yet his fingers just tightened to show that he wasn’t going to let go without putting up a fight first.
Alex’s head cocked with confusion, “S-so let me get this straight,” He stammered, “You’re saying that I tell you I love you too much?”
Jack nodded, “In a way, yeah,” He began, “I mean, you know I like to hear you say it to me, at least, I used to like it until you started using the phrase as an excuse for everything.”
It was hard for Alex to remain calm and sensible, his heart was starting to race and bile began to force its way up his throat.
Swallowing hard, the male couldn’t quite find the right thing to say. Then he realised that that was the problem in the first place, he couldn’t express himself in the way Jack wanted him to.
“How am I using it as an excuse?” He asked genuinely, because he wanted to get to the bottom of this all, “I tell you I love you because I mean it and I want you to never forget that I do.”
“Well what about when we have an argument and you always end up saying ‘I love you’, because you know that I’m just going to turn around and say ‘I love you, too,’ and like that you’re off the hook. Do you still mean it then?” Jack fought back quickly, and he could feel his hand begin to sweat in Alex’s as he grew agitated.
The blonde haired boy’s eyes darted to the couple’s joined hands, even he had to admit that just a simple sign of affection didn’t feel right anymore.
“I do mean it,” He answered quietly, gently resting his arm in plaster cast against the mattress as it started to ache, “Of course I mean it, Jack. I joke about sometimes, but that’s just how I am. You do it too, y’know, I’m not the only guilty party here.” He offered the lightest of squeezes to Jack’s palm, “What if I just stop saying it altogether then?” He compromised, pausing to allow Jack enough time to think. “Start as we did before, two kids scared to utter the dreaded phrase.”
The younger teenager thought for a moment, not quite believing himself that he was actually taking Alex’s absurd negotiation into consideration.
Who was he kidding, though? Neither would be able to stick to the plan for too long, Alex would slip back into old habits and they’d be back at square one.
Burrowing his head into the crook of Alex’s neck and shoulder, careful to avoid anything brushing his sore nose, a muffled groan broke away from a tired mouth, “Even if you didn’t tell me, I doubt it would make much difference anyway...”
Jack’s focus drifted toward Alex’s necklace, he was intrigued at the way it gently swung side to side like the pendulum of a grandfather clock. Yet, even that seemed to suggest their relationship was like a time bomb ticking, and the boy was just waiting for the charm to stop dead.
Closing his eyes, Jack separated his and Alex’s hands to instead have his fingertips dance across the other boy’s clothed torso. With each slight touch a small, sickening shiver of guilt shot down his spine and his breathing began to lag as he flattened his palm against the English boy’s heart.
“I wish this beat was for me.” He whispered softly, eyes opening slowly, “I just can’t feel it anymore.”
And finally, Alex took it in turn to speak for he didn’t think he could keep himself silent for much longer. He’d listened for long enough.
“It is for you, Jack, why can’t you understand that?” He groaned, fingers prying Jack’s own away from his chest. “You’re clinging onto me as if you do, but nothing that you’re saying is matching up.”
Sinking his teeth down on his lower lip, Jack turned his head away, “I’m just- I’m searching for the feelings that I used to have. Every touch with you used to electrify me, but in the best way possible; even the slightest brush of our shoulders, a warmth would flow through my blood, straight from the heart. It’s been missing for a while now, I just want it back, but I-I can’t find it…”
The taller boy leant his elbows on his knees and tilted his head into his own palms. Threading his digits through the matted, tangled locks, he fought so hard to keep himself in tact. “I never told you because I thought that maybe it was just me, thought it was just a stupid side effect of my anti-depressants.” He admitted, straightening his posture, “I tried to forget about it, just brush it off, but then with everything that happened yesterday it all came back. When I was lying on the bed in my room at my mom’s, I thought it through, and nothing seems to be okay anymore.”
The sad thing was that Alex couldn’t deny it either. Jack hadn’t been the only one to sense something wasn’t quite what it used to be, but just like his boy, he didn’t want to speak up in fear of ruining what they had. Too late now.
“You’re right.”
“Of course I am.” Jack joked lightly, hoping for at least a small smile to pull at Alex’s thin lips, but nothing.
Sighing, the American lifted his shoulders toward his ears before dropping them back down in a shrug, “So what do we do now then, Al?”
“What more is there to do?” The male answered back, “You don’t believe me when I say I love you, and neither of us feel that ‘spark’ we used to. You just don’t want to admit that maybe…” Alex’s breath hitched in his throat as his voice began to deteriorate, leaving Jack to finish his sentence for him, “Maybe this really is the end.”
And that was the point when the tears broke through the barriers, spilling over and trickling down Alex’s cool cheeks, “I knew I was never good enough for you, Jack.”
“Don’t say that, don’t you dare say that…” Jack stated shaking his head, “You are, because you are the boy I’ve fallen for. I have been the luckiest guy alive to have had the privilege of calling you mine but I just think that now our time is up. At least we had a good run, d-didn’t we?”
Alex slowly nodded, blinking furiously but to no avail, he was a wreck now, that much was obvious. “I guess,” He answered, though the question was probably rhetorical. “I don’t want you to leave though, Jack. I-I’m nothing without you, fucking nothing.” He choked, his shaky hand lifted to rub at his cheek, “There has to be something I can do, anything, you name it, I’ll do it. Please, baby…”
Jack gingerly cupped Alex’s face, tilting his head to face him, “Oh, darling,” He murmured, and he wanted to reach forward and press their lips together for one last time, but he just couldn’t. “Know that I’m not letting you go forever,” He said calmly, “I don’t think I could ever do that.”
Jack gently wrapped his arms around the other’s neck, “I think we both know that perhaps we’ve rushed into this.”
Rush was an understatement.
Alex had been well aware of the fact that the pace of their relationship had sped dramatically since Jack’s attempt to take his life. Like a blur it all seemed, because suddenly they had finally stood up for themselves and not listened to what anybody had to say to them, then Jack moved in because his mum acted selfishly, and even his own parents had said they acted like a married couple already. Alex never even wanted that, he would have laughed hysterically if somebody in his past had told him he’d find himself committed to someone at the age of eighteen, let alone live with them and share every waking moment together.
Jack really was Alex’s world, but he couldn’t help to think that maybe things would have been so much easier if they had taken their time. They’d missed out on a lot, frankly.
“Y-yeah, we did.” Alex agreed, “But that wasn’t up to us, w-was it? Fate made it happen, s-so maybe we were supposed to be like this.” The older boy suggested, “E-everything happens for a reason, doesn’t it?”
Again, Jack shrugged, ‘cause nobody knew the answers anymore. “I don’t know, Al, all I know is that if we are supposed to be together, then in the future, maybe we’ll cross paths once more.” It was the best he could offer, as Jack wasn’t so sure, his philosophical speeches were simply taken from quotes he’d found on the Internet. “Like I said, it’s not forever. It’s just a break, something we need. Space, we haven’t had a lot of it lately. Fuck, I could even be back tomorrow for all we know,” He stopped himself as Alex’s eyes lit up for just a second as the slightest glimmer of hope flashed through him, “I-I doubt it though…” He finished, it paining him to watch as Alex crumbled once more.
“You can’t just say we’re on a break, Jack.” Alex mumbled, pushing the boy away from him. He didn’t want comforting anymore. “I would rather you fucking walk out on me right this second than you say we need a break.” He spat, ‘cause he’d read about this in romance novels before and they never ended well. “How the fuck will I know where I stand in this if I don’t know whether you’re going to come back or not?” He asked with his eyes narrowed through a mixture of frustration and confusion. “I don’t want you to hurt me like that, Jack.”
“Then I won’t-“
“If you want a bloody break then you will!” Alex interrupted in anger, “’Cause I’m gonna be hoping and praying to a God I don't even believe in, that you realise you made a mistake and you want us back together, and that hope is just gonna build until the day that I fucking realise you’re not ever coming home.”
“But I might,” Jack tried to argue, “I don’t know what’s going to happen, and neither do you, this is why I’m tryin’ to come up with fucking ideas! I’m sorry they’re not good enough for you, but it’s the best I can do when I’m trying to fucking hold myself together. I don’t wanna cry, Alex, but I’m so fucking close.” He confessed.
Alex scoffed as his arms folded across his chest in an uncomfortable manner, “Weren’t you the one to tell me that it’s okay to cry?” He asked, “Anyway,” The boy started, “Wh-what’s it gonna be, Jack?”
Cocking his head, Jack’s brows pulled toward the bridge of his nose, “What’s what gonna be?”
“E-either we stay together and sort this out somehow like we know deep down that we can, o-or you go and don’t come back. I can’t deal with having a break from you and being bloody clueless, so you have the choice.” The older boy stated firmly to show that he wasn’t going to change his mind anymore, “I want you here with me Jack, I know that this is where you belong, even though it doesn’t feel like it right now, but doesn’t every couple have their rough patches? Mm, well, that’s just what I want though, a-and now it’s up to you.”
Time appeared to stop altogether as Jack breathed in deeply and locked eyes with Alex’s. He searched for the lost emotions through the pools of brown, but as nothing reached the surface for air, the decision was made.
“I-I guess this really is the end then.”
And like that, Alex’s heart shattered like broken glass.
What was he really expecting, honestly? He did give Jack the option, after all, but he never really thought the other boy would choose the latter.
“W-wait, what?” The English boy choked, “N-no, you’re not supposed to say that, Jack!”
Standing up from the bed, Jack turned his cheek to the boy so that Alex didn’t have to watch him cry.
“I-I’m sorry,” He sobbed, “I just can’t do this anymore, Alex. I-If I stay, th-then I know you’ll be happy at least for a little while, b-but if things don’t improve then we’ll just grow frustrated with one another a-and with your temper I don’t wanna risk it. I-If I go, though, yeah, it will hurt so fucking much and I won’t want to carry on anymore, but I know that I can because I’ve recovered from a broken heart before, I can do it again.”
Alex’s eyes grew large, sorrowful as they glistened with fresh tears, “B-but what about me, Jack? I-I’ve never had to deal with something like this before, wh-what if I can’t do it?” He questioned meekly, straightening his knees and standing opposite to the boy whom would always be his everything. “I couldn’t even sleep last night knowing that you weren’t there beside me, s-so how can I get through fucking whole days, weeks, I doubt I could last a month.”
Jack shook his head, a small smile forcing itself through the hurt. Reaching his arm forward to Alex’s torso, with his fingers he carefully lifted the heart-shaped pendant with his name engraved on the surface, “That’s how.” Then he let go to watch the pendant, the pendulum of the grandfather clock, slowly swing from left to right. “I told you before, and I’ll tell you again, Alex, I love you. I will always love you, and the purpose of having my name against your chest was to remind you that I do.”
Alex parted his lips to return the heartfelt phrase; ‘I love you, too,’ yet as Jack noticed this he barricaded the older boy’s mouth with his own.
Their last kiss.
“D-don’t say anything, okay?” He whispered, “Goodbye, Alex.”
And Jack turned away to walk out of the bedroom, Alex’s bedroom, his bedroom, their bedroom, ignoring that tiny spark from the final colliding of their lips.