122 & 99 (1).
Title: Pumpkin
Pairing/Characters: Massu-centric, one-sided Massu/Tegoshi
Rating/Warnings: R rated. Character death. Heavy angst. Psychological issues.
Prompt: 122: Massu snaps & 99: Massu actually has OCD.
Summary: Everyone thinks Massu is fine and happy, until midnight of April 17th 2012. As the group go on air on the radio to announce their comeback, he does the unthinkable. In a police interview room after the incident, Massu is asked why, leading to an answer spanning over years.
A/N: I'm sorry, owner of this prompt, if you didn't want anything quite so horrific. I could have interpreted this prompt in many different ways, but this was what I decided to go with because I was interested in thinking about what might cause Massu to "snap". I couldn't have done this without the help of many many interviews, translations, and news reports (although I forgot where I found a lot of the information/transcripts, so sorry that I can't credit properly!). I also couldn't have done it without the help of T and K and J who held my hand throughout this and gave me some awesome ideas to help me get inside the head of crazy!Massu. Disclaimer: This is fiction. I have no doubt that Massu would never do anything like this in his life, but I wanted to figure out why he might. While I've tried to base most of this on real life events, I've interpreted them in order to meet that goal. This may not be the best birthday gift, for Massu, but uh... happy birthday? :D;;
NEWS MEMBER MASUDA TAKAHISA "SNAPS".
Two members of Johnny's & Associates idol group NEWS are dead and one is in a critical condition in hospital after the fourth member, Masuda Takahisa allegedly pulled a knife out of his bag during a live radio broadcast, and stabbed them all.
For the past week a countdown has appeared on the agency's official website, marking the groups supposed comeback. However, as the countdown reached zero and announced the anticipated airing of Koyama Keiichiro's radio show K-Chan NEWS, listeners heard muffled voices and screams before the show was cut off. Masuda was apprehended by a security guard as he threatened to turn the knife on himself, and was arrested by police shortly afterwards.
The two dead men have been confirmed as Koyama Keiichiro and Kato Shigeaki. Tegoshi Yuya was rushed to hospital and is said to be in a serious condition.
April 18th 2012
Massu could hear water dripping from somewhere. The roof was leaking, he decided. Or perhaps there were water pipes in the walls behind him. He supposed it didn't really matter, so long as it wasn't dripping on him.
"Did they put my clothes on the floor?" He glanced to the door of the police interview room he sat in, where a man - Massu didn't know his position - was standing guard while detectives he could see through the gaps in the blind on the door bustled around with paperwork and phone-calls.
The guard seemed surprised to hear him speak suddenly, and shook his head. "I don't know. You can ask the detectives when they come in."
Massu fingered the fabric of the 'outfit' he had been ordered to change into when he had arrived at the police headquarters. "This is really bad, ne?" he laughed, and it felt kind of like that magazine interview NEWS had done where they'd had to dress in each other's style. He didn't feel like himself, whatever "himself" was supposed to be.
The door of the room opened, and three men entered, dismissing the guard at the door. Two of the men sat in chairs opposite Massu. The third, Massu's own assigned lawyer, took a seat in the remaining empty chair beside him.
"My name is Detective Moriyama, and this is Detective Nishihama. Masuda, do you know why you're here?"
"The security at the radio station are really quick."
"So, if they hadn't been so quick where would you be now?"
"A long way from here."
"Literally?"
Massu shrugged his wide shoulders, and then raised his hand, running one finger across his throat. "Did you put my clothes on the floor?"
"They're with forensics. They have tables."
"Good. They'll get messed up otherwise, ne? Do you have some questions for me?"
"A few."
"Okay." Massu's eyes disappeared under a smile, and he shifted his position into the relaxed he usually reserved for magazine interviews. He didn't see why this should be any different. "Shoot~!"
"Why did you do it?"
"I don't know."
"You killed two people and almost killed a third on a live radio broadcast, and you don't know why?"
Massu's smile turned into a frown, and pulled his leg from underneath himself and sat straight, leaning forwards. "... almost?"
"Tegoshi Yuya is in the hospital right now. He's in a serious condition, but he might yet pull through."
"He's not dead?"
The detective shook his head; it was obvious what he had revealed had rattled Massu somehow. "Not at the moment, no."
Massu let out a long breath he didn't even know he'd been holding, and then he looked down at the table, staring at a discoloured spot that looked like it had been rubbed away by someone, perhaps someone who had just been told one of their victims was still alive. He reached out one hand and started to rub at a spot slightly to the right of the mark already there. It was all wrong. The table should all be the same colour.
"Is that bad news?" the detective asked.
"I don't want to answer any more questions right now," Massu replied, staring straight at the detective, his expression reading nothing. His stance had changed from the one he'd positioned himself in for the interview, and so had his attitude.
The detective nodded. There was no need to prove who had carried out the murders, and Massu had already been charged. Really, they had all the time in the world, but there were a lot of people out there who wanted answers to questions, and their only job now, was to try and get those answers. He leaned in closer to the recorder sitting in the middle of the table. "Interview terminated 9.22am," he sighed, and ended the recording.
August 20th 1998
The room was full of nervous chatter throughout the room as a group of twenty boys waited to hear their fate. Masuda Takahisa sat in the front row of seating. To his left, sat a boy he remembered was called Nakamaru Yuichi. In the row behind him, two boys argued over who was better.
“What do you think is going to happen?” the boy beside him asked, and Massu gave him a shrug.
“I don't know,” he replied to him, but he thought that whatever it was, he would definitely be a part of it.
The room fell into silence as a man walked into the room and stood in front of them, and twenty pairs of eyes were suddenly on him. “These members will go for a magazine photo-shoot tomorrow,” he announced, and then began to list off names, some of which Massu vaguely recognised. “Nakamaru Yuichi,” the man spoke after reading off three or so other names, and the boy beside him fist-punched the air. More names were read out, and Massu waited to hear his name, but then the man said, “and finally, Akanishi Jin.”
One of the boys who had been chatting behind him let out a triumphant yell, while the one beside him slipped further down into his seat and frowned a little. Massu would later learn that his name was Kamenashi Kazuya, and like him, he was a trainee who had an uncertain start into the world of Johnnys.
In the months that followed, Massu, who had always tried hard and been good at what he tried, was only called to work every few months, to the point where sometimes he almost forgot he was even a Johnnys Junior, but it was always at the back of his mind.
Every month or so, a message would come through to his phone from one of the other boys he had stayed in contact with, reading “Hey, are you coming to the rehearsals tomorrow?” and he would make some excuse, when really, he hadn't even heard about any rehearsals, just so that he didn't seem like a failure, even though that was what he felt inside.
He always figured that things would eventually get better, but twelve years later, he still wasn't entirely convinced they ever had.
April 18th, 2012
The timer on the recorder sitting between the pair was up to thirty minutes for this interview, and as of yet, barely a word had been spoken. Massu could be stubborn when he wanted to, and with the detectives asking him questions that he really didn't want to answer, things were at a stand still.
"Okay, Masuda. Let me ask you something different," the detective decided. "Career-wise, when was the first time you felt really bad?"
"Our group was suspended because of the actions of two ex-members," Massu told him without much hesitation. He figured it was eventually going to come to this.
"So, before that, everything was pretty smooth?"
"I wouldn't say that. But... Everyone had their issues. There were times when I felt a little left behind. The other kids would bring up things they had been invited to and I wouldn't know anything about them. And when I was able to do something, it always seemed like it was only me doing it because I was the only option available. The only one old enough. The only one with the right skills. The only one without anything more to do," he explained, and his tone was becoming a little bitter as all those feelings of being left behind started to come back to him. Perhaps, he thought, that was the beginnings of why he was sitting here now.
"And then you debuted with NEWS. How was that?"
Massu suddenly felt like he was doing an interview for a magazine, not a police interrogation. He was beginning to wonder why he was being made to answer all these questions, but thinking of it as a magazine interview made him more comfortable to open up further.
"I felt like I wasn't supposed to be there. The others in the group were like my seniors at the time. And then there was Tegoshi. He was always the special one, he didn't have to work so hard. Even they were surprised that I was there, according to Shige. But... then Shige got it into his head - with what basis, I don't know - that he was the unpopular one and he didn't know where he fit in. We'd be rehearsing and suddenly he'd be crying. I wondered, if I did that, how would everyone react?"
"How do you think they would have reacted?"
"They would probably have thought something was really wrong."
"But you didn't?"
Massu shook his head. "Everyone liked to think they had a 'role'. I think it kept us going. Without me realising, my role had become 'happy'. I thought if I lost that, I'd feel just as useless as Shige thought he was."
"It's hard to keep smiling when you feel like that, isn't it?"
Massu nodded.
"Everything builds up inside you until it has nowhere else to go but out."
"It's beginning to make sense, ne?"
The detective nodded. "So, about that suspension..."
May 2nd 2006
"Regretfully, due to the circumstances, we have made the decision to suspend the group for the time being."
"It's not fair that we're getting punished for something they did, right?" Massu commented, in an indignant tone, once they were out of earshot of any of the higher-ups who might be able to hear them. He'd sat and bit his tongue like all the others when they had been in the meeting, but it really wasn't fair, and he wasn't going to pretend that it was.
Koyama shrugged his shoulders lightly. "This is how it works sometimes," he told him sadly, and Massu could see his group mate's eyes starting to sparkle with tears. Unlike him, Koyama wasn't afraid of letting out his feelings in public, no matter how much he tried to be strong. "We can't do anything about it, we just have to wait and see what happens. It'll all work out okay, Massu."
Massu knew that Koyama loved the group more than anything, and he just couldn't understand why Koyama wouldn't do anything. Massu would never approach Ryo with something like this, and it seemed to him right now that Ryo was just upset that he didn't have his friend in his group any more. Yamashita, their trusty leader, was already nowhere to be seen. Shige knew how he felt. He knew he did. Shige was like the outward personification of everything that Massu felt inside and couldn't say out loud.
"Does anyone want to come out for a drink?" Tegoshi asked as he joined the group, looking as calm as usual.
"I think I'm going to go home," Massu decided.
Less than an hour later, Massu stepped into the home he shared with his family, glad to find that he was alone in the place. He didn't feel like wanted to face anyone right now, particularly not his proud mother. He hung up his jacket on a hook inside the door and put his shoes away in his shoe cabinet and padded through the building to his room. On his bed, was a pile of his clothes that his mother had washed for him that morning. He lifted a shirt from the top of the pile, and re-folded it to suit his liking. He carefully placed it into his closet, and then moved onto the next one, going through that same meticulous process of folding it perfectly and lying it flat in his closet. It was when he had reached the fifth item in the pile, a pair of jeans, that he realised how much his hands were shaking.
He sat down on the corner of his bed beside the remaining pile of clothes, staring at his hands like he was seeing them for the first time. It had been a long time since he had been this worked up about anything, but Masuda Takahisa was a worrier, and suddenly, everything was so uncertain. How long would it be? Would they ever come back? What was he now?
There was a framed photograph of himself and the rest of the group on the shelf beside his bed, and he stared at it, wondering how it could suddenly not be there any more. He didn't want to go back to how it had been before, wondering when his next chance would be. His vision blurred as he felt tears creeping into the corners of his eyes and it had been a long time since he had cried in private but he couldn't stop himself as he felt the tears begin to trickle down his cheeks. He shuffled up his bed, and flopped down with his head resting against his pillow. The other pillow on the bed was pulled close to his chest and he didn't know why he was holding onto it so tightly, but suddenly, everything became totally overwhelming to him and he broke down in sobs, the pillow becoming wet with his tears.
May 17th 2006
"Massu, when are we going to meet for drinks?"
Massu reached over to his bedside table, picking up his phone as he heard the text alert. He read over the message, from Tegoshi, and put his phone back down without replying. He didn't like to think that he was wallowing in self pity, not when the rest of the group were going through exactly the same thing. However, he had been spending a lot of time recently at home, in his room, staring at the ceiling. He just didn't feel like going anywhere unless he really had to. Right now, aside from magazine interviews, he really didn't have a lot to do.
He returned his gaze to his white ceiling, but a few moments later his phone beeped again. He ignored it the first time, but a few minutes, it beeped a second time as a reminder and he let out a frustrated sigh, lifting the phone up and holding it above his head to read.
"I'll forget what you look like."
Massu let out a deep sigh and tossed his phone back on the bedside table. He felt bad, but right now, he wasn't interested in seeing anyone at all. He glanced across at the photograph of the group on his table, and reached over, picking it up and placing it face down.
"Well that's okay," he spoke to himself, replying to Tegoshi's message in his head. "It looks like everyone else will, anyway."
September 1st 2006
"We'd like the two of you to form a group together."
After several months of sitting around other barely any work, waiting for a decision on if and when NEWS' suspension would end, this was the last thing Tegoshi and Massu expected to be called into a meeting for. They'd sung together once before, they had technically been Tegomass before they had been part of NEWS, but as far as they had been concerned, that had always only been a temporary thing.
It had been a long time since the pair had seen each other, and now awkward since Massu had mostly ignored all of Tegoshi's calls and messages (as well as those from other group members), this was the first time they had seen each other in over a month. Tegoshi thought that Massu looked tired. Massu thought that Tegoshi had somehow grown up in the past month.
"What?" Tegoshi was the first to speak out. "Why now? What about NEWS?" he asked, and Massu sensed an indignant tone to his voice. He could understand. All this time they'd been waiting for news on if and when their group was going resume activities, and now suddenly they were part of a new one. It felt being back in their Junior days again, and for Massu that didn't feel like a good thing. What would happen after that? Would he be shifted somewhere else? Made to go solo? End up one of those members who only ever acted in a movie once every couple of years and disappeared for months in between?
"Johnny wants a new unit to promote the agency internationally. He's planning on releasing your début single in both Japan and Europe."
"Europe?!" Tegoshi exclaimed, and clearly he was starting to get excited by the prospect. Massu gave him an odd look across the table. Tegoshi gave him an apologetic look but Massu knew he was looking out for and excited by this new career prospect, and suddenly it seemed to catch on to him and he realised they were about to possibly become known in another country.
He felt bad about NEWS, and very unsure, but he gave a firm nod, and confirmed, “lets do it.”
April 18th 2012
"That must have been a good time for you," the detective commented. "After all that time with no activity."
Massu shrugged a little. "You'd think so, right?"
"It wasn't?"
"Maybe you don't understand how these things work," Massu decided, leaning back in his seat. "Me and Tegoshi had worked together as Tegomass before NEWS even existed. I always wondered why. Johnny said that Tegoshi's voice was good. He said mine was 'interesting'. It's different, ne?"
"But not necessarily bad."
"True. I never really asked, and the staff did say our voices sounded good together. But after that comment, I always felt like I wasn't there for my voice."
"Then why?"
"You know, when we were juniors and we sung together, we didn't have an official name but the staff would sometimes refer to us as Masutego. Then, suddenly, we had our début and we were called Tegomasu. When I pointed it out, Tegoshi seemed a little embarrassed, but I told him it was okay that way round."
"It bothered you?"
Massu shrugged a little. "Tegoshi was the professional. He knew what he was doing with his voice and he always knew that I should be doing with mine too. I followed along and I did as I was told and... Since I've known Tegoshi I've always known he wanted to be better than everyone else. I sometimes felt like I was just the sidekick in his career plans."
"I see."
"As well as that, I felt like there was a lot of pressure suddenly on both of us. We felt if we did badly, then the dreams of the other four would fail. We were basically holding the weight of NEWS on our shoulders. It was a tough responsibility."
"Did Tegoshi ever feel like that?"
"If he did, he never said anything. Tegoshi has never been the kind to worry about things like that though. So long as he's doing well, nothing else matters to him."
"Selfish, then?" the detective prompted.
"Very."
"You were bitter against him."
“What are you trying to get me to say?” Massu frowned.
“We just want to get to the truth,” the detective told him.
“I wasn't bitter against him,” Massu spoke without much hesitation, staring the detective right in the eye to show he was telling the truth. He had folded his arms across his chest, and he could see another stand still coming on if the detective continued his questioning the way he was.
“Then what?”
Massu looked at the detective again, and his expression had become tense again. “I think you had better ask me something else, or we'll be here a long time,” Massu told him, and the detective nodded in confirmation and moved the questioning elsewhere.
31st December 2006
“You had a great reaction!” Koyama told Tegoshi and Massu as they waited backstage for their cue to perform. The group were about to go on stage as a six member group for the first time since their hiatus, and the loud cheers they heard when Tegomass had been on stage performing their single Miso Soup gave them hope that they would get the same number of cheers when they went on stage in a few minutes, but no one knew quite how the opinion of them and their fan-base had changed since they had last been on stage together.
They heard the voice of Joshima Shigeru on stage, announcing that there was a surprise in store. None of the fans knew that this appearance was going to be happening today, and as the man had them spell out the name of the group, announcement amongst the crowds began to grow until finally, the spotlight fell on the six members, and they broke into NEWS Nippon as the crowds cheers became wild.
After a melody of three of their songs, the spotlight moved elsewhere, and the group headed off stage to await their next cue, giving each other high-fives, the grins almost breaking their faces.
With his heart bursting with happiness and pride at the reaction of the fans and just at standing on that stage as NEWS for the first time in what seemed like decades, Massu suddenly realised why Koyama always said that he loved NEWS more than anything in the world.
April 19th 2012
“Why is it that every time I mention Tegoshi's name, you want to change the subject?” the detective asked, starting to become unwilling to let Massu run how the questioning was going.
“No comment,” Massu commented, and he was beginning to get a little tired of this. He wanted to go to sleep and he certainly didn't want to think or be made to talk about him.
22nd July 2009
"Don't you feel awkward, changing like that in the middle of the dressing room?" Massu asked Tegoshi as they prepared for the first date of their Tegomass no Uta tour, in Osaka, in the summer of 2009. It wasn't the first time he had witnessed Tegoshi, as well as his other group mates, parading around the dressing room half naked, but it was a lot less awkward to ask the question now there was only one person to direct it to.
Massu had never been the kind to be particularly comfortable changing in public, even when it was just his other group members. He would forever be looking for a corner to hide in or a bathroom, or even behind the couch in the dressing room if there was really nowhere else available. The others had always thought it strange, but there were some things that he just wanted to keep private.
"Well, it's just you, right?" Tegoshi shrugged as he slid off his jeans, hanging them loosely over the back of one of the couches, now wandering around in only a pair of designer boxer shorts as he bent over to hunt in his small suitcase for something to wear before it was time to change for the concert.
Massu watched Tegoshi, somehow not able to help it. He could see why his group mate wasn't worried about being naked in public. He had never been overly confident about his own body even though he worked out and knew he had plenty of muscles, but he certainly didn't think he could compete with Tegoshi's slim waist and perfect legs. He went to stand up to start trying to prepare some more himself, but he just couldn't seem to turn away from looking at his group mate. He quickly realised he was staring at those things that he felt so jealous of and a moment later he wondered what it would be like to touch them.
A blush crept up his cheeks, and he forced himself to turn his gaze somewhere else, grabbing at his clothes. "I'm going to go and take a shower," he told Tegoshi quickly, and disappeared into the dressing room's bathroom before the other could even reply.
18th April 2012.
"We're going to be sitting here for a long time if you don't start talking again soon."
"I said I don't want to answer any more questions right now."
22nd July 2009
The concert that evening was the most awkward and difficult concert Massu had ever performed. Now he had those thoughts about Tegoshi in his mind he couldn't stop thinking about him. Every time Tegoshi so much as brushed past him his heart started to beat a little faster. Whenever did more, touching him like the fans loved so much, a blush crept up his cheeks as well, blushes that were luckily hidden under the heat of the lights they were under.
When it came to an end, their last moment on stage took place holding hands as they thanked the fans who had come, and as Massu felt the other's hand in his own, he didn't want to let it go again. The lights dimmed, and they walked off stage hand in hand. Once they were out of sight of the fans, Tegoshi went to separate their hands, but Massu held on tightly.
"What are you doing?" Tegoshi laughed, and all Massu could do was give the other's hand a shake and congratulate him on a great concert, before sheepishly forcing himself to let go. The warmth of Tegoshi's hand didn't leave his for a long time.
August 7th 2009
On August 7th, Tegomass performed their concert in Sendai, in the midst of the city's Tanabata Matsuri celebrations. When Massu saw all of the decorations around the city on their way to the venue, he made his own silent wish, that whatever feelings he had started to have for Tegoshi would disappear as quickly as they had begun.
Massu thought that this was something other people went through. It would be different if it was a girl, he knew. If it was a girl there was still a big chance nothing would ever go anywhere, but at least he would be normal. At least he could talk about it with his friends. At least he could say something to Tegoshi and know there was a chance it would go okay even if his feelings weren't returned, because they were friends. He wasn't sure even their friendship could survive such a confession in these circumstances.
In the month since he had first started to think about Tegoshi in that way, his feelings had exploded into more than he would ever have imagined. Suddenly it was like every outfit Tegoshi wore made him look magical, everything he said was hilariously funny or absolutely genius. If it wasn't so painful for him, he'd be starting to feel it was getting a little ridiculous, because this was Tegoshi Yuya and he'd known him for years and he was still the same selfish and spoiled brat he had always been.
During the concert, as with every night, the pair took their seats and the lights dimmed, and they began a selection of emotional ballads. Massu had always thought that he acted the pain convincingly in his face as he sung, but tonight, as they sung Kushami, and the words truly did mean something to him, he suddenly realised he hadn't even come close. Technically, as it stood, a song about lost love didn't really apply to him, except that Massu felt like he had lost before he had even started. As he glanced across the stage at Tegoshi's fake pained expression, he wondered if Tegoshi had ever been in love with anyone but himself.
20th August 2009
"Tegoshi, can I talk to you for a moment?"
It was the last day of their tour, in Fukuoka, and, Massu knew, the last chance to say anything to Tegoshi id he wanted to do it completely in private. It was early morning, and there was two hours to go before their first show at twelve. Massu was sitting on the couch in their dressing room relaxing as Tegoshi sat nearby with a guitar and a piece of music which he kept adding things on in pencil. He realised it probably wasn't the best time to do this, but he couldn't hold it in any longer.
Massu was nervous and unsure and had been building up to this for hours, but suddenly he wondered if he spoke out loud at all because Tegoshi, engrossed in the piece of sheet music he was looking at, turned to him and pointed to one of the notes on the paper. "What do you think of this?" he asked. "I don't think it's quite right."
And Massu had learned that if you didn't get Tegoshi's attention immediately, it wasn't worth trying at all. He pushed his shaking hands into the deep pockets of his pants, and leaned forwards to take a better look. He didn't really understand those things as much as Tegoshi did, and standing so close to the other that he could smell his aftershave, he really wasn't concentrating on the paper either. "I'm not sure," he managed to speak after a moment. "I'll leave it up to you."
Tegoshi nodded, and went back to focussing on what he was doing. He was about to open his mouth to start singing, when he realised that Massu was still hovering slightly behind him. "Oh! Sorry, did you want something?" he asked, as if he'd suddenly recalled that Massu had spoken to him before he'd distracted him with his music.
"No, it's fine," Massu told him, all of his courage gone, and he knew he would probably never work up to it again.
23rd August 2009
"Are you okay?" Nakamaru asked Massu as they sat in his apartment on a rare evening off, playing video games. He thought Massu seemed distracted by something but he wasn't one to tell him these things. He wondered if Massu had just been busy. He knew concerts didn't leave you with much free time. It had only been a few days since the last show, and it took a while to settle after that, he knew well. Massu also looked very tired, there were dark circles under his eyes, circles that could easily be hidden from the fans by make-up, but right now, were there and plain to see.
"I'm fine," Massu replied as he pressed buttons on the game controller, and gave him one of those smiles he was so used to, the idol smile, but Nakamaru didn't buy it.
"You don't have to smile for my benefit," Nakamaru commented to show that You need a break," Nakamaru decided. If the issue was that Massu was just busy, then a break should relax him, and if it was anything else, then Nakamaru thought there was nothing better for worries than to escape them for a few days. "You have a few days off soon right? We'll go on a trip. Okinawa."
And that was it decided; Massu knew better than to argue with Nakamaru once he had an idea in his mind. "Okay," he nodded. "But let's make it great. I want to sit on my hotel balcony and watch the sea and drink."
"It's a deal," Nakamaru agreed, and that was all the confirmation Nakamaru needed to begin planning their vacation.
Massu left Nakamaru up to all the details. It was difficult for him to keep out of the planning when he was so particular about certain things, but he really didn't feel like putting his mind to something like that right now and he trusted his friend to plan properly. He had made sure to let Nakamaru know some specific things he wanted for their trip, but aside from that, he was practically clueless as they stepped off the plane in Okinawa. He had to admit, here, away from Tokyo and concert planning and Tegoshi he was already feeling more relaxed than he had been in a long time.
They arrived late in the evening, heading almost immediately to bed for a good night's sleep, and it wasn't until the following day that as usual, everything began to crash down around Massu.
"There's a wall, Yuichi."
"What?" Nakamaru replied as he lay in bed on his side, his cellphone resting against his left ear. He was still half asleep, having been woken from a deep sleep by his phone ringing on the bedside table. He moved it momentarily away to check the time, and then returned it to his ear once again. "Massu, it's 6am."
"I can't sleep with that wall there."
"What wall?"
"Outside the window. There's a wall."
Nakamaru sighed and pulled the covers from his body, sitting up and standing wearily out of the bed. He was weary and confused by what Massu was saying but if the other was saying that there was a wall he should at least take a look and ensure the other wasn't stuck in some weird dream. He padded over to the window, and pulled back the curtains. His and Massu's rooms were next door to each other, and sure enough, the view out of their windows was the building next door, and it wasn't even a very attractive one.
"Ah..." was all he could say, as he let out a tired yawn. He may have still been half asleep, but he couldn't deny remembering that Massu had wanted a view of the sea.
"We have to move," Massu stated simply, as it it were just a case of picking up their things right now and walking into another room of their choice.
Nakamaru checked the time in his phone to ensure he wasn't reading it wrong, and then put the phone back to his ear. "It's 6am..." he repeated.
"I can't sleep with that wall there."
"Massu, you slept all night didn't you?" Nakamaru chuckled, and then there was suddenly silence and he realised that Massu had hung up the phone.
Nakamaru stared at his phone for a moment, wondering if that had all been a dream but the wall was still outside the window and he was definitely awake. He let out a sigh and stretched his arms above his head, another yawn escaping his lips. He hadn't been expecting a start this early on vacation. He tugged a t-shirt from the top of his suitcase to join the sweatpants he had been sleeping in, grabbed his key and left the room.
Massu was still staring out of the window when the knock on the door came, and Nakamaru had to knock several times before the door opened and Massu let him inside, before turning and stepping back through the small corridor into the main part of his hotel room.
"It's not a joke Yuichi, we need to move..."
"I'll go down to the front desk later and see if they have any rooms facing the sea."
"You can't go now?" Massu asked.
Nakamaru sighed again. "It's 6am. Actually," he checked his watch. "It's 6.06am. They're busy sleeping."
Massu flopped down on his bed with a thump, staring at the floor.
"Is it really that important to you?" Nakamaru asked him seriously. The last time he had seen Massu this worked up was when he had gone to his apartment and accidentally knocked one of his jackets onto the floor.
Massu nodded silently, and then looked miserably across the room towards the closet. "I'll have to pack and unpack all my things again. Yuichi, do you know how long that stuff takes?"
Nakamaru didn't. He was more the kind to throw everything in and hope his suitcase closed at the end of it. "You unpacked already?" he asked in surprise. They'd arrived at 11pm and all he'd wanted to do was settle down in bed and get a good night's sleep.
"Yes," Massu replied simply, although he didn't move from his position from the bed. Nakamaru stepped over to the small closet in the room and tugged it open. Inside, Massu's clothes were all hung up on hangers or folded meticulously on shelves. It was a moment later that he realised they also seemed to be arranged by colour.
"Wow, that's pretty crazy," Nakamaru pointed out light-heartedly as he slid the closet doors closed again and turned back to his friend sitting on the bed. He was bad at picking up obvious things like this but after a moment he realised that Massu's head was now buried in his hands, hands that were shaking.
"Massu?"
"It's not crazy."
As Nakamaru took a seat beside Massu on the bed, the feel of the mattress dipping down made Massu look up to see what he was doing. He immediately decided it was a mistake because it gave his friend a clear view of the tears welling up in the corners of his eyes that were beginning to spill down his cheeks. He looked embarrassed and humiliated but he couldn't seem to stop it.
Nakamaru was silent for a few moments. It was a shock to him to see Massu, his friend - a man who seemed to have an eternal smile on his face - on the verge of completely breaking down in tears. For a minute, he was unsure of what to say, but finally he reached across and took Massu's left hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.
"I'm sorry," he spoke softly. "I'll go and wait in the lobby until the reception desk opens," Nakamaru decided. "You can stay up here and start packing your things up, okay? We're moving rooms," he told him gently, the only thing on his mind right now to get them their sea-view room. He decided that right now, it was best not to push the other any further; if he could just get them their room, perhaps he could make his friend feel better. That had been the purpose of this trip after all. Sometimes, he just needed to remember to think before he spoke.
20th September 2009
In September, Massu finally had his chance to be interviewed on Shounen Club Premium. The interview brought back fears and bad memories from his uncertain Junior days, but more than that, it made him talk about Tegoshi to someone else, in a different sense than he'd had to for a while. The fact that his heart started to beat a little faster just because he knew the question was coming up said everything.
"What is Tegoshi like?" he was asked by Kokubun Taichi, the last member of the group he was asked to speak about. Massu rolled his fingers nervously together as he thought about the best way he could answer the question.
"Tegoshi? Tegoshi is part of Tegomass with me... He's the one I spend most of the time with because of that. Recently, we've been getting closer and closer."
Closer and closer. What he didn't mention was that he himself had been getting closer and closer to Tegoshi while Tegoshi had remained mostly indifferent. Neither of them could deny that they had become better friends, but Tegoshi had no idea what Massu really wanted from him, and after his one failed attempt at telling the other how he felt, he knew that things had to stay that way.
April 20th 2012
"You have a visitor," the guard informed him, and Massu glanced up to see a familiar figure stepping past the man into the room. Nakamaru Yuichi looked like he hadn't slept since the incident, and seemed a little nervous; Massu wasn't surprised. He stepped up to the table, and took a seat opposite him.
"You didn't really do it, did you, Massu?" was Nakamaru's first question. It should have been obvious. He had heard the broadcast just as everyone else had, had sat and listened to it at home even though he already knew what announcement had been planned. But if Massu were to tell him that he hadn't, Nakamaru would believe him in a heartbeat.
"I did," Massu told him, and he could almost physically see Nakamaru's heart sinking, all hope lost.
"But... but, why?"
"I don't think I have an answer to that question just yet."
"I'm sorry. I suppose you've had enough questions already, right? Did they finish interviewing you?"
"No. We took a break because they wanted me to tell them something that I didn't want to tell them."
"Can you tell me?"
Massu shook his head immediately.
"I can't hear any worse," Nakamaru pointed out.
Massu bowed his head, and he seemed to be having real difficulty fighting to say something out loud that he had kept inside for so long. He cracked his knuckles nervously.
"Take your time," Nakamaru told him gently. "I don't have anything better to do today."
The silence was long. But no matter how long the clock ticked by, Nakamaru's patience never wavered even once. The guard told him it was soon time to leave several times, but Nakamaru simply sat and watched, waiting and hoping that Massu could finally tell him whatever it was that was on his mind that he clearly needed to get out before he could move on.
"You never laughed at me, did you?" Massu spoke after what seemed like a long time.
"Of course not."
"Even when we went on that trip and I was so picky with everything. You just went along with it and did what I wanted."
"You're my friend. Of course I did."
"So... so if I tell you this, you won't laugh at me now either?" Massu looked up, looking right into Nakamaru's eyes, needing that reassurance that he wouldn't be a joke to Nakamaru like he seemed to be to everyone else.
"No. I promise,” Nakamaru told him, looking back at him sincerely.
There was silence again, as Massu looked back down at the table again. "I was really in love with him," he spoke quietly, and for the first time since he had been brought to the police station, there was a huge amount of emotion in his tone, and he could feel his eyes becoming damp.
"With who?"
"Tegoshi," Massu replied, and he felt his voice cracking. He looked up to try and read Nakamaru's facial expression, and then he continued. "I know it was wrong, he's a guy and I shouldn't have felt like that but I couldn't help it, I always thought about him, what I wanted to do... it scared me," he admitted.
"Did you ever tell him how you felt?" Nakamaru asked calmly, not at all effected negatively by what Massu had just revealed, much to Massu's relief.
"Once," Massu replied, and Nakamaru was about to question further, but the memories had already driven Massu to tears, and Nakamaru's hand had slid across the table to take hold of the other's.
15th October 2010
Every time Massu saw Tegoshi, as much as he tried to stop them, a rush of feelings flowed through him. Whether it had been a couple of days or a couple of weeks, this silly "crush" that he had just didn't go away, to the point where he could no longer even consider it simply a crush at all, not after over a year. He didn't think he had ever been in love in the past, but that was what those feelings felt like to him now. He had heard someone once said that love was thinking about a person first in the morning, and last at night. Massu had long since passed that stage. He woke in the middle of the night, in an empty bed, from dreams where they were lying side by side with their hands entwined.
With a single release quickly approaching, it was almost impossible to avoid his group-mate. Telling Tegoshi how he felt was always almost on the tip of his tongue even though he was sure, deep down, saying those words out loud could only end badly.
In the lead up to the release of their long-awaited new single Fighting Man they were invited to appear on Music Station. Used by now to the show's set up, despite having not appeared on it since their last single, all Massu could think about as they got ready to appear, was at what points he would be close to Tegoshi, how he could possibly keep his feelings from showing on his face.
And as they were interviewed, Massu's mind was far away from whatever topic it was they were discussing. Tegoshi wasn't even sitting beside him, but he could somehow still feel him.
"Massu?" Koyama's voice broke through his thoughts, and he suddenly looked up, realising he had been asked a question asked or for a comment but he hadn't heard, too lost deep in his own thoughts.
"I think I've fallen in love with you, Tegoshi," he suddenly blurted out. He hadn't meant to say it out loud but it was all that was on his mind, he said over and over again both when he was awake and when he was sleeping, and it had only been a matter of time before it came out loud. The odds of that happening on television were low, but Massu's usual lucky streak had failed him this time in the worst way possible.
There was a momentarily silence. Then the studio audience began calling out, "ehhhh?"
Tegoshi was first to laugh. That whole-hearted laugh he used when he really found something funny, throwing his head back, showing those sparkling perfect teeth. Massu's cheeks began to grow hot. He heard Koyama's distinctive laugh, Shige saying, "what was that?!" and he could hear Yamapi and Ryo sniggering. Soon, even the hosts and the other guests were laughing, and Massu wished the ground would open up below him so he could escape the situation. One thing was very clear, no one, not even Tegoshi, believed he was speaking the truth.
"It's not a joke," Massu spoke quietly, but everyone was laughing too hard to hear and the camera wasn't on him. It seemed he hadn't been able to rid himself of his role as the one to be laughed at. As the laughter began to die down, he curved his lips in that familiar awkward stupid smile, and Tegoshi stood up from his seat and marched to Massu, giving him a light slap on the back of his head.
"Sorry, sorry," he laughed, an expert at making it sound real, and before he could really think about it further the group were sent to the stage perform their single.
-------
"I'm going to the bathroom," Massu told one of the producers. The group had gathered along with the other guests but Massu couldn't bear to be there on camera any longer with a smile on his face. He headed off the set, down a corridor back stage, and by the time he reached the door of the bathroom he was practically running. He had barely gotten the door of the stall closed, before he was blinking back tears. He put his head in his hands and rubbed at his eyes, and he could feel himself rubbing off his make-up which made him feel even more frustrated, but he couldn't stop his tears from flowing.
It was his fault for saying it out loud like that, but he wondered, if Tegoshi had been a girl - which he wasn't, no matter how he might act like it sometimes - it would be as hard? Would they have believed him, then? Would they have at least told him it was cute, rather than making a big joke out it?
He wondered if this might be the worst possible way to be different. He didn't mind most of the time that people thought he was different because of how obsessive he was about some things, because sometimes even he could think about how ridiculous some of them were, but this wasn't ridiculous, not to him. It was hard, and painful, and being laughed at about it was one of his worst fears, one which today had become slightly realized.
Later that evening, he replayed the video of their interview over and over, pausing it every time on Tegoshi's face creased in laughter. It seemed that was what his friend thought about the possibility of him confessing to him. After that, he watched the part of the show he had missed by being in the bathroom, and as he glanced at the empty space where he should have been sitting, Tegoshi stood up and started singing and dancing along to KARA's Mister, and he couldn't tear his eyes away.
April 20th 2012
"You know what it's like in concerts, or on TV right? We're meant to touch each other like we like each other more than we do. When I had to do things like that with Tegoshi, it felt awkward, and embarrassing, but I also felt like it was the only time I could ever do anything like that with him, so in that way I was grateful. But then we toured with NEWS, and it wasn't just him any more. Every time I did anything with any of the others, or when they did it to me, I felt like I was violating them somehow."
"You liked them too?" Nakamaru asked. His visit should have ended an hour ago, but he had refused to leave until the pair of them had finished talking and the detectives seemed to be hoping he would be able to create some kind of breakthrough, not that Nakamaru would reveal their conversations even if they did.
"No... but, I was so confused. I hadn't felt that way before, not about a guy. Whenever we were doing things like that in concerts I would be trying to see if I felt the same way, or if it was just Tegoshi."
"But they never figured anything was different?"
"It didn't seem any different. It was just me who was different, and we did those things anyway, it was just inside my head that was a mess. But..." he trailed off, and seemed a little awkward about what he was going to say next. "Have you ever felt like one of your members has done something that you didn't like?"
Nakamaru thought about the question for a moment, wanting to give the other a proper answer, and then gave a small nod. "Sometimes, Kamenashi leans forwards to kiss me when we're on camera. I think if I didn't move out of the way, he'd actually do it." He stopped, wondering why they were suddenly talking about him, and added, "why do you ask?"
September 28th 2010.
Encores were always somewhat a free-for-all. With the rigid dance moves they performed most of the rest of the concert in, it was nice just to be able to run around and be free and silly. The cameras were filming the show that night, the last night of the tour, to eventually create a DVD, and the group members had been told to remember them while they were performing.
And they did.
In fact, once they figured out where a camera was, it was difficult to keep them away from it. The group split into two halves, and with Koyama, Yamapi and Tegoshi hogging one of the cameras close to the ground, while Massu, Ryo and Shige chose another, all with arms over each other's shoulders, pulling silly faces as they sung. The group led by Massu quickly got bored and as they moved away, and spotted by Koyama, who led his group over to join them, and Shige and Massu backed right into them, putting a halt to Ryo who glanced round to see where the hold up was.
He met Massu's eyes, and with a mischievous glint in his eyes decided to take advantage of their close proximity. With Massu backed up against Shige who was backed up against Koyama, Yamapi and then Tegoshi, there was nowhere to go as he suddenly felt a hand between his legs and as he looked up at Ryo's face again, he felt the hand cupping and squeezing him hard, and then the hand was gone so quickly that Massu wondered if it had even happened at all before he realised the satisfied grin on Ryo's face could only mean one thing.
"Woah!" Massu exclaimed, right into his microphone, and he momentarily he couldn't hide the shock from his face. He shot Ryo a strange look, and then he had to sing again, and Koyama was poking at his face and everyone was being silly again, and Ryo had practically already forgotten that he had done it.
Massu, however, couldn't get it out of his head. He forced his way through the rest of the song and through the next, and he just wanted to get off the stage now and speak to the other about it, and the songs seem to go on forever, but finally, they were able to leave the stage.
"That was out of order..." Massu told Ryo gently but a little indignantly as they headed off stage following their first encore. He had managed to hide it pretty well but it had hurt and been humiliating and he was fuming. He didn't often let out his anger, but he just couldn't not say anything.
"What was?" Ryo asked, a little surprised, and his body tensed up a little. It wasn't often that Massu spoke to him or anyone like that.
"Touching me there like that. It hurt."
"Oh," Ryo responded, and his shoulders loosened up a little. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it so hard."
"You shouldn't have done it at all..." Massu told him.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know it would bother you that much... I won't do it again," Ryo promised, and put a hand gently on Massu's shoulder.
"Is that it?"
"What else do you want me to do?"
"I... I don't know," Massu realised, and suddenly he felt bad that he was being so over the top about it, but he couldn't help holding a grudge even though although it had hurt, the rest of the issues were his and his alone. As he was about to open his mouth to try and make an excuse, a staff member called them to return to the stage once again.
Koyama, Shige were already on the stage when Massu stepped onto the stage, with Ryo just ahead of him. Massu turned his head a little to avoid the lens of the camera Shige was holding, because he still hadn't quite managed to rid himself of the humiliated look that had formed from his conversation with Ryo, and he knew the camera wouldn't lie.
Yamapi was the next to climb up back onto the stage, dressed in a tuxedo, cape and mask. Massu wondered for a moment where their sixth member was, but his question was answered in the worst way possible when Tegoshi bounced onto the stage dressed in a white and blue maid outfit. It seemed that Massu had missed a lot while he had been standing talking to Ryo.
A sinking feeling came to Massu's stomach as he watched Tegoshi shaking his hips, because for a moment he felt like it was completely normal for him to be looking at Tegoshi the way he was, because all the other members almost seemed to be doing the same thing. Then Tegoshi linked arms with Yamapi, and the moment passed. He let the pair head down one of the walkways, and turned away, unable to keep his feelings from his face as he sang his first line in the song, unable to look round and sneak a glance at him once again.
Suddenly not wanting to be near anyone, he headed down the walkway in the centre of the stage on his own, trying to keep from glancing at the pair at the opposite end by waving at the fans on either side of him, planting that smile back on his face, knowing he only had to focus until the end of this song.
It was when he finally reached the centre stage that he realised he had been followed by Koyama, who was now standing beside him and waving to the fans with him, and a moment later their arms were linked too and Koyama gave him a look like he knew exactly what was going on.
Massu wouldn't have been surprised if he did, because Koyama seemed to always eventually know what was happening with members of the group, and Massu lowered his gaze so he wasn't meeting his gaze any more. Koyama patted him on the shoulder to show him that everything was okay, and Massu felt like he might cry right there in the middle of the stage. He knew if he did, it would almost be expected, because it was the last night of their tour, but he couldn't do it.
He glanced at the fans again, people still happy and lively and glad to see them even after almost three hours, and and he glanced at Koyama again and smiled, arm back round his shoulders, and the pair continued their walk together, before doing a silly march in the middle of the stage, and Koyama burst into laughter, patting Massu's shoulder again, and Massu grinned back and suddenly they were going crazy together in front of the fans. That was what it was all about, after all.
As they walked off the stage at the end of the night for the final time, Koyama called out Massu's name and gave him a worried glance.
“It's okay,” he told Koyama with a nod and that familiar smile, and Koyama backed down, never the kind to want to push or have an argument about anything.
PART TWO
Pairing/Characters: Massu-centric, one-sided Massu/Tegoshi
Rating/Warnings: R rated. Character death. Heavy angst. Psychological issues.
Prompt: 122: Massu snaps & 99: Massu actually has OCD.
Summary: Everyone thinks Massu is fine and happy, until midnight of April 17th 2012. As the group go on air on the radio to announce their comeback, he does the unthinkable. In a police interview room after the incident, Massu is asked why, leading to an answer spanning over years.
A/N: I'm sorry, owner of this prompt, if you didn't want anything quite so horrific. I could have interpreted this prompt in many different ways, but this was what I decided to go with because I was interested in thinking about what might cause Massu to "snap". I couldn't have done this without the help of many many interviews, translations, and news reports (although I forgot where I found a lot of the information/transcripts, so sorry that I can't credit properly!). I also couldn't have done it without the help of T and K and J who held my hand throughout this and gave me some awesome ideas to help me get inside the head of crazy!Massu. Disclaimer: This is fiction. I have no doubt that Massu would never do anything like this in his life, but I wanted to figure out why he might. While I've tried to base most of this on real life events, I've interpreted them in order to meet that goal. This may not be the best birthday gift, for Massu, but uh... happy birthday? :D;;
NEWS MEMBER MASUDA TAKAHISA "SNAPS".
Two members of Johnny's & Associates idol group NEWS are dead and one is in a critical condition in hospital after the fourth member, Masuda Takahisa allegedly pulled a knife out of his bag during a live radio broadcast, and stabbed them all.
For the past week a countdown has appeared on the agency's official website, marking the groups supposed comeback. However, as the countdown reached zero and announced the anticipated airing of Koyama Keiichiro's radio show K-Chan NEWS, listeners heard muffled voices and screams before the show was cut off. Masuda was apprehended by a security guard as he threatened to turn the knife on himself, and was arrested by police shortly afterwards.
The two dead men have been confirmed as Koyama Keiichiro and Kato Shigeaki. Tegoshi Yuya was rushed to hospital and is said to be in a serious condition.
April 18th 2012
Massu could hear water dripping from somewhere. The roof was leaking, he decided. Or perhaps there were water pipes in the walls behind him. He supposed it didn't really matter, so long as it wasn't dripping on him.
"Did they put my clothes on the floor?" He glanced to the door of the police interview room he sat in, where a man - Massu didn't know his position - was standing guard while detectives he could see through the gaps in the blind on the door bustled around with paperwork and phone-calls.
The guard seemed surprised to hear him speak suddenly, and shook his head. "I don't know. You can ask the detectives when they come in."
Massu fingered the fabric of the 'outfit' he had been ordered to change into when he had arrived at the police headquarters. "This is really bad, ne?" he laughed, and it felt kind of like that magazine interview NEWS had done where they'd had to dress in each other's style. He didn't feel like himself, whatever "himself" was supposed to be.
The door of the room opened, and three men entered, dismissing the guard at the door. Two of the men sat in chairs opposite Massu. The third, Massu's own assigned lawyer, took a seat in the remaining empty chair beside him.
"My name is Detective Moriyama, and this is Detective Nishihama. Masuda, do you know why you're here?"
"The security at the radio station are really quick."
"So, if they hadn't been so quick where would you be now?"
"A long way from here."
"Literally?"
Massu shrugged his wide shoulders, and then raised his hand, running one finger across his throat. "Did you put my clothes on the floor?"
"They're with forensics. They have tables."
"Good. They'll get messed up otherwise, ne? Do you have some questions for me?"
"A few."
"Okay." Massu's eyes disappeared under a smile, and he shifted his position into the relaxed he usually reserved for magazine interviews. He didn't see why this should be any different. "Shoot~!"
"Why did you do it?"
"I don't know."
"You killed two people and almost killed a third on a live radio broadcast, and you don't know why?"
Massu's smile turned into a frown, and pulled his leg from underneath himself and sat straight, leaning forwards. "... almost?"
"Tegoshi Yuya is in the hospital right now. He's in a serious condition, but he might yet pull through."
"He's not dead?"
The detective shook his head; it was obvious what he had revealed had rattled Massu somehow. "Not at the moment, no."
Massu let out a long breath he didn't even know he'd been holding, and then he looked down at the table, staring at a discoloured spot that looked like it had been rubbed away by someone, perhaps someone who had just been told one of their victims was still alive. He reached out one hand and started to rub at a spot slightly to the right of the mark already there. It was all wrong. The table should all be the same colour.
"Is that bad news?" the detective asked.
"I don't want to answer any more questions right now," Massu replied, staring straight at the detective, his expression reading nothing. His stance had changed from the one he'd positioned himself in for the interview, and so had his attitude.
The detective nodded. There was no need to prove who had carried out the murders, and Massu had already been charged. Really, they had all the time in the world, but there were a lot of people out there who wanted answers to questions, and their only job now, was to try and get those answers. He leaned in closer to the recorder sitting in the middle of the table. "Interview terminated 9.22am," he sighed, and ended the recording.
August 20th 1998
The room was full of nervous chatter throughout the room as a group of twenty boys waited to hear their fate. Masuda Takahisa sat in the front row of seating. To his left, sat a boy he remembered was called Nakamaru Yuichi. In the row behind him, two boys argued over who was better.
“What do you think is going to happen?” the boy beside him asked, and Massu gave him a shrug.
“I don't know,” he replied to him, but he thought that whatever it was, he would definitely be a part of it.
The room fell into silence as a man walked into the room and stood in front of them, and twenty pairs of eyes were suddenly on him. “These members will go for a magazine photo-shoot tomorrow,” he announced, and then began to list off names, some of which Massu vaguely recognised. “Nakamaru Yuichi,” the man spoke after reading off three or so other names, and the boy beside him fist-punched the air. More names were read out, and Massu waited to hear his name, but then the man said, “and finally, Akanishi Jin.”
One of the boys who had been chatting behind him let out a triumphant yell, while the one beside him slipped further down into his seat and frowned a little. Massu would later learn that his name was Kamenashi Kazuya, and like him, he was a trainee who had an uncertain start into the world of Johnnys.
In the months that followed, Massu, who had always tried hard and been good at what he tried, was only called to work every few months, to the point where sometimes he almost forgot he was even a Johnnys Junior, but it was always at the back of his mind.
Every month or so, a message would come through to his phone from one of the other boys he had stayed in contact with, reading “Hey, are you coming to the rehearsals tomorrow?” and he would make some excuse, when really, he hadn't even heard about any rehearsals, just so that he didn't seem like a failure, even though that was what he felt inside.
He always figured that things would eventually get better, but twelve years later, he still wasn't entirely convinced they ever had.
April 18th, 2012
The timer on the recorder sitting between the pair was up to thirty minutes for this interview, and as of yet, barely a word had been spoken. Massu could be stubborn when he wanted to, and with the detectives asking him questions that he really didn't want to answer, things were at a stand still.
"Okay, Masuda. Let me ask you something different," the detective decided. "Career-wise, when was the first time you felt really bad?"
"Our group was suspended because of the actions of two ex-members," Massu told him without much hesitation. He figured it was eventually going to come to this.
"So, before that, everything was pretty smooth?"
"I wouldn't say that. But... Everyone had their issues. There were times when I felt a little left behind. The other kids would bring up things they had been invited to and I wouldn't know anything about them. And when I was able to do something, it always seemed like it was only me doing it because I was the only option available. The only one old enough. The only one with the right skills. The only one without anything more to do," he explained, and his tone was becoming a little bitter as all those feelings of being left behind started to come back to him. Perhaps, he thought, that was the beginnings of why he was sitting here now.
"And then you debuted with NEWS. How was that?"
Massu suddenly felt like he was doing an interview for a magazine, not a police interrogation. He was beginning to wonder why he was being made to answer all these questions, but thinking of it as a magazine interview made him more comfortable to open up further.
"I felt like I wasn't supposed to be there. The others in the group were like my seniors at the time. And then there was Tegoshi. He was always the special one, he didn't have to work so hard. Even they were surprised that I was there, according to Shige. But... then Shige got it into his head - with what basis, I don't know - that he was the unpopular one and he didn't know where he fit in. We'd be rehearsing and suddenly he'd be crying. I wondered, if I did that, how would everyone react?"
"How do you think they would have reacted?"
"They would probably have thought something was really wrong."
"But you didn't?"
Massu shook his head. "Everyone liked to think they had a 'role'. I think it kept us going. Without me realising, my role had become 'happy'. I thought if I lost that, I'd feel just as useless as Shige thought he was."
"It's hard to keep smiling when you feel like that, isn't it?"
Massu nodded.
"Everything builds up inside you until it has nowhere else to go but out."
"It's beginning to make sense, ne?"
The detective nodded. "So, about that suspension..."
May 2nd 2006
"Regretfully, due to the circumstances, we have made the decision to suspend the group for the time being."
"It's not fair that we're getting punished for something they did, right?" Massu commented, in an indignant tone, once they were out of earshot of any of the higher-ups who might be able to hear them. He'd sat and bit his tongue like all the others when they had been in the meeting, but it really wasn't fair, and he wasn't going to pretend that it was.
Koyama shrugged his shoulders lightly. "This is how it works sometimes," he told him sadly, and Massu could see his group mate's eyes starting to sparkle with tears. Unlike him, Koyama wasn't afraid of letting out his feelings in public, no matter how much he tried to be strong. "We can't do anything about it, we just have to wait and see what happens. It'll all work out okay, Massu."
Massu knew that Koyama loved the group more than anything, and he just couldn't understand why Koyama wouldn't do anything. Massu would never approach Ryo with something like this, and it seemed to him right now that Ryo was just upset that he didn't have his friend in his group any more. Yamashita, their trusty leader, was already nowhere to be seen. Shige knew how he felt. He knew he did. Shige was like the outward personification of everything that Massu felt inside and couldn't say out loud.
"Does anyone want to come out for a drink?" Tegoshi asked as he joined the group, looking as calm as usual.
"I think I'm going to go home," Massu decided.
Less than an hour later, Massu stepped into the home he shared with his family, glad to find that he was alone in the place. He didn't feel like wanted to face anyone right now, particularly not his proud mother. He hung up his jacket on a hook inside the door and put his shoes away in his shoe cabinet and padded through the building to his room. On his bed, was a pile of his clothes that his mother had washed for him that morning. He lifted a shirt from the top of the pile, and re-folded it to suit his liking. He carefully placed it into his closet, and then moved onto the next one, going through that same meticulous process of folding it perfectly and lying it flat in his closet. It was when he had reached the fifth item in the pile, a pair of jeans, that he realised how much his hands were shaking.
He sat down on the corner of his bed beside the remaining pile of clothes, staring at his hands like he was seeing them for the first time. It had been a long time since he had been this worked up about anything, but Masuda Takahisa was a worrier, and suddenly, everything was so uncertain. How long would it be? Would they ever come back? What was he now?
There was a framed photograph of himself and the rest of the group on the shelf beside his bed, and he stared at it, wondering how it could suddenly not be there any more. He didn't want to go back to how it had been before, wondering when his next chance would be. His vision blurred as he felt tears creeping into the corners of his eyes and it had been a long time since he had cried in private but he couldn't stop himself as he felt the tears begin to trickle down his cheeks. He shuffled up his bed, and flopped down with his head resting against his pillow. The other pillow on the bed was pulled close to his chest and he didn't know why he was holding onto it so tightly, but suddenly, everything became totally overwhelming to him and he broke down in sobs, the pillow becoming wet with his tears.
May 17th 2006
"Massu, when are we going to meet for drinks?"
Massu reached over to his bedside table, picking up his phone as he heard the text alert. He read over the message, from Tegoshi, and put his phone back down without replying. He didn't like to think that he was wallowing in self pity, not when the rest of the group were going through exactly the same thing. However, he had been spending a lot of time recently at home, in his room, staring at the ceiling. He just didn't feel like going anywhere unless he really had to. Right now, aside from magazine interviews, he really didn't have a lot to do.
He returned his gaze to his white ceiling, but a few moments later his phone beeped again. He ignored it the first time, but a few minutes, it beeped a second time as a reminder and he let out a frustrated sigh, lifting the phone up and holding it above his head to read.
"I'll forget what you look like."
Massu let out a deep sigh and tossed his phone back on the bedside table. He felt bad, but right now, he wasn't interested in seeing anyone at all. He glanced across at the photograph of the group on his table, and reached over, picking it up and placing it face down.
"Well that's okay," he spoke to himself, replying to Tegoshi's message in his head. "It looks like everyone else will, anyway."
September 1st 2006
"We'd like the two of you to form a group together."
After several months of sitting around other barely any work, waiting for a decision on if and when NEWS' suspension would end, this was the last thing Tegoshi and Massu expected to be called into a meeting for. They'd sung together once before, they had technically been Tegomass before they had been part of NEWS, but as far as they had been concerned, that had always only been a temporary thing.
It had been a long time since the pair had seen each other, and now awkward since Massu had mostly ignored all of Tegoshi's calls and messages (as well as those from other group members), this was the first time they had seen each other in over a month. Tegoshi thought that Massu looked tired. Massu thought that Tegoshi had somehow grown up in the past month.
"What?" Tegoshi was the first to speak out. "Why now? What about NEWS?" he asked, and Massu sensed an indignant tone to his voice. He could understand. All this time they'd been waiting for news on if and when their group was going resume activities, and now suddenly they were part of a new one. It felt being back in their Junior days again, and for Massu that didn't feel like a good thing. What would happen after that? Would he be shifted somewhere else? Made to go solo? End up one of those members who only ever acted in a movie once every couple of years and disappeared for months in between?
"Johnny wants a new unit to promote the agency internationally. He's planning on releasing your début single in both Japan and Europe."
"Europe?!" Tegoshi exclaimed, and clearly he was starting to get excited by the prospect. Massu gave him an odd look across the table. Tegoshi gave him an apologetic look but Massu knew he was looking out for and excited by this new career prospect, and suddenly it seemed to catch on to him and he realised they were about to possibly become known in another country.
He felt bad about NEWS, and very unsure, but he gave a firm nod, and confirmed, “lets do it.”
April 18th 2012
"That must have been a good time for you," the detective commented. "After all that time with no activity."
Massu shrugged a little. "You'd think so, right?"
"It wasn't?"
"Maybe you don't understand how these things work," Massu decided, leaning back in his seat. "Me and Tegoshi had worked together as Tegomass before NEWS even existed. I always wondered why. Johnny said that Tegoshi's voice was good. He said mine was 'interesting'. It's different, ne?"
"But not necessarily bad."
"True. I never really asked, and the staff did say our voices sounded good together. But after that comment, I always felt like I wasn't there for my voice."
"Then why?"
"You know, when we were juniors and we sung together, we didn't have an official name but the staff would sometimes refer to us as Masutego. Then, suddenly, we had our début and we were called Tegomasu. When I pointed it out, Tegoshi seemed a little embarrassed, but I told him it was okay that way round."
"It bothered you?"
Massu shrugged a little. "Tegoshi was the professional. He knew what he was doing with his voice and he always knew that I should be doing with mine too. I followed along and I did as I was told and... Since I've known Tegoshi I've always known he wanted to be better than everyone else. I sometimes felt like I was just the sidekick in his career plans."
"I see."
"As well as that, I felt like there was a lot of pressure suddenly on both of us. We felt if we did badly, then the dreams of the other four would fail. We were basically holding the weight of NEWS on our shoulders. It was a tough responsibility."
"Did Tegoshi ever feel like that?"
"If he did, he never said anything. Tegoshi has never been the kind to worry about things like that though. So long as he's doing well, nothing else matters to him."
"Selfish, then?" the detective prompted.
"Very."
"You were bitter against him."
“What are you trying to get me to say?” Massu frowned.
“We just want to get to the truth,” the detective told him.
“I wasn't bitter against him,” Massu spoke without much hesitation, staring the detective right in the eye to show he was telling the truth. He had folded his arms across his chest, and he could see another stand still coming on if the detective continued his questioning the way he was.
“Then what?”
Massu looked at the detective again, and his expression had become tense again. “I think you had better ask me something else, or we'll be here a long time,” Massu told him, and the detective nodded in confirmation and moved the questioning elsewhere.
31st December 2006
“You had a great reaction!” Koyama told Tegoshi and Massu as they waited backstage for their cue to perform. The group were about to go on stage as a six member group for the first time since their hiatus, and the loud cheers they heard when Tegomass had been on stage performing their single Miso Soup gave them hope that they would get the same number of cheers when they went on stage in a few minutes, but no one knew quite how the opinion of them and their fan-base had changed since they had last been on stage together.
They heard the voice of Joshima Shigeru on stage, announcing that there was a surprise in store. None of the fans knew that this appearance was going to be happening today, and as the man had them spell out the name of the group, announcement amongst the crowds began to grow until finally, the spotlight fell on the six members, and they broke into NEWS Nippon as the crowds cheers became wild.
After a melody of three of their songs, the spotlight moved elsewhere, and the group headed off stage to await their next cue, giving each other high-fives, the grins almost breaking their faces.
With his heart bursting with happiness and pride at the reaction of the fans and just at standing on that stage as NEWS for the first time in what seemed like decades, Massu suddenly realised why Koyama always said that he loved NEWS more than anything in the world.
April 19th 2012
“Why is it that every time I mention Tegoshi's name, you want to change the subject?” the detective asked, starting to become unwilling to let Massu run how the questioning was going.
“No comment,” Massu commented, and he was beginning to get a little tired of this. He wanted to go to sleep and he certainly didn't want to think or be made to talk about him.
22nd July 2009
"Don't you feel awkward, changing like that in the middle of the dressing room?" Massu asked Tegoshi as they prepared for the first date of their Tegomass no Uta tour, in Osaka, in the summer of 2009. It wasn't the first time he had witnessed Tegoshi, as well as his other group mates, parading around the dressing room half naked, but it was a lot less awkward to ask the question now there was only one person to direct it to.
Massu had never been the kind to be particularly comfortable changing in public, even when it was just his other group members. He would forever be looking for a corner to hide in or a bathroom, or even behind the couch in the dressing room if there was really nowhere else available. The others had always thought it strange, but there were some things that he just wanted to keep private.
"Well, it's just you, right?" Tegoshi shrugged as he slid off his jeans, hanging them loosely over the back of one of the couches, now wandering around in only a pair of designer boxer shorts as he bent over to hunt in his small suitcase for something to wear before it was time to change for the concert.
Massu watched Tegoshi, somehow not able to help it. He could see why his group mate wasn't worried about being naked in public. He had never been overly confident about his own body even though he worked out and knew he had plenty of muscles, but he certainly didn't think he could compete with Tegoshi's slim waist and perfect legs. He went to stand up to start trying to prepare some more himself, but he just couldn't seem to turn away from looking at his group mate. He quickly realised he was staring at those things that he felt so jealous of and a moment later he wondered what it would be like to touch them.
A blush crept up his cheeks, and he forced himself to turn his gaze somewhere else, grabbing at his clothes. "I'm going to go and take a shower," he told Tegoshi quickly, and disappeared into the dressing room's bathroom before the other could even reply.
18th April 2012.
"We're going to be sitting here for a long time if you don't start talking again soon."
"I said I don't want to answer any more questions right now."
22nd July 2009
The concert that evening was the most awkward and difficult concert Massu had ever performed. Now he had those thoughts about Tegoshi in his mind he couldn't stop thinking about him. Every time Tegoshi so much as brushed past him his heart started to beat a little faster. Whenever did more, touching him like the fans loved so much, a blush crept up his cheeks as well, blushes that were luckily hidden under the heat of the lights they were under.
When it came to an end, their last moment on stage took place holding hands as they thanked the fans who had come, and as Massu felt the other's hand in his own, he didn't want to let it go again. The lights dimmed, and they walked off stage hand in hand. Once they were out of sight of the fans, Tegoshi went to separate their hands, but Massu held on tightly.
"What are you doing?" Tegoshi laughed, and all Massu could do was give the other's hand a shake and congratulate him on a great concert, before sheepishly forcing himself to let go. The warmth of Tegoshi's hand didn't leave his for a long time.
August 7th 2009
On August 7th, Tegomass performed their concert in Sendai, in the midst of the city's Tanabata Matsuri celebrations. When Massu saw all of the decorations around the city on their way to the venue, he made his own silent wish, that whatever feelings he had started to have for Tegoshi would disappear as quickly as they had begun.
Massu thought that this was something other people went through. It would be different if it was a girl, he knew. If it was a girl there was still a big chance nothing would ever go anywhere, but at least he would be normal. At least he could talk about it with his friends. At least he could say something to Tegoshi and know there was a chance it would go okay even if his feelings weren't returned, because they were friends. He wasn't sure even their friendship could survive such a confession in these circumstances.
In the month since he had first started to think about Tegoshi in that way, his feelings had exploded into more than he would ever have imagined. Suddenly it was like every outfit Tegoshi wore made him look magical, everything he said was hilariously funny or absolutely genius. If it wasn't so painful for him, he'd be starting to feel it was getting a little ridiculous, because this was Tegoshi Yuya and he'd known him for years and he was still the same selfish and spoiled brat he had always been.
During the concert, as with every night, the pair took their seats and the lights dimmed, and they began a selection of emotional ballads. Massu had always thought that he acted the pain convincingly in his face as he sung, but tonight, as they sung Kushami, and the words truly did mean something to him, he suddenly realised he hadn't even come close. Technically, as it stood, a song about lost love didn't really apply to him, except that Massu felt like he had lost before he had even started. As he glanced across the stage at Tegoshi's fake pained expression, he wondered if Tegoshi had ever been in love with anyone but himself.
20th August 2009
"Tegoshi, can I talk to you for a moment?"
It was the last day of their tour, in Fukuoka, and, Massu knew, the last chance to say anything to Tegoshi id he wanted to do it completely in private. It was early morning, and there was two hours to go before their first show at twelve. Massu was sitting on the couch in their dressing room relaxing as Tegoshi sat nearby with a guitar and a piece of music which he kept adding things on in pencil. He realised it probably wasn't the best time to do this, but he couldn't hold it in any longer.
Massu was nervous and unsure and had been building up to this for hours, but suddenly he wondered if he spoke out loud at all because Tegoshi, engrossed in the piece of sheet music he was looking at, turned to him and pointed to one of the notes on the paper. "What do you think of this?" he asked. "I don't think it's quite right."
And Massu had learned that if you didn't get Tegoshi's attention immediately, it wasn't worth trying at all. He pushed his shaking hands into the deep pockets of his pants, and leaned forwards to take a better look. He didn't really understand those things as much as Tegoshi did, and standing so close to the other that he could smell his aftershave, he really wasn't concentrating on the paper either. "I'm not sure," he managed to speak after a moment. "I'll leave it up to you."
Tegoshi nodded, and went back to focussing on what he was doing. He was about to open his mouth to start singing, when he realised that Massu was still hovering slightly behind him. "Oh! Sorry, did you want something?" he asked, as if he'd suddenly recalled that Massu had spoken to him before he'd distracted him with his music.
"No, it's fine," Massu told him, all of his courage gone, and he knew he would probably never work up to it again.
23rd August 2009
"Are you okay?" Nakamaru asked Massu as they sat in his apartment on a rare evening off, playing video games. He thought Massu seemed distracted by something but he wasn't one to tell him these things. He wondered if Massu had just been busy. He knew concerts didn't leave you with much free time. It had only been a few days since the last show, and it took a while to settle after that, he knew well. Massu also looked very tired, there were dark circles under his eyes, circles that could easily be hidden from the fans by make-up, but right now, were there and plain to see.
"I'm fine," Massu replied as he pressed buttons on the game controller, and gave him one of those smiles he was so used to, the idol smile, but Nakamaru didn't buy it.
"You don't have to smile for my benefit," Nakamaru commented to show that You need a break," Nakamaru decided. If the issue was that Massu was just busy, then a break should relax him, and if it was anything else, then Nakamaru thought there was nothing better for worries than to escape them for a few days. "You have a few days off soon right? We'll go on a trip. Okinawa."
And that was it decided; Massu knew better than to argue with Nakamaru once he had an idea in his mind. "Okay," he nodded. "But let's make it great. I want to sit on my hotel balcony and watch the sea and drink."
"It's a deal," Nakamaru agreed, and that was all the confirmation Nakamaru needed to begin planning their vacation.
Massu left Nakamaru up to all the details. It was difficult for him to keep out of the planning when he was so particular about certain things, but he really didn't feel like putting his mind to something like that right now and he trusted his friend to plan properly. He had made sure to let Nakamaru know some specific things he wanted for their trip, but aside from that, he was practically clueless as they stepped off the plane in Okinawa. He had to admit, here, away from Tokyo and concert planning and Tegoshi he was already feeling more relaxed than he had been in a long time.
They arrived late in the evening, heading almost immediately to bed for a good night's sleep, and it wasn't until the following day that as usual, everything began to crash down around Massu.
"There's a wall, Yuichi."
"What?" Nakamaru replied as he lay in bed on his side, his cellphone resting against his left ear. He was still half asleep, having been woken from a deep sleep by his phone ringing on the bedside table. He moved it momentarily away to check the time, and then returned it to his ear once again. "Massu, it's 6am."
"I can't sleep with that wall there."
"What wall?"
"Outside the window. There's a wall."
Nakamaru sighed and pulled the covers from his body, sitting up and standing wearily out of the bed. He was weary and confused by what Massu was saying but if the other was saying that there was a wall he should at least take a look and ensure the other wasn't stuck in some weird dream. He padded over to the window, and pulled back the curtains. His and Massu's rooms were next door to each other, and sure enough, the view out of their windows was the building next door, and it wasn't even a very attractive one.
"Ah..." was all he could say, as he let out a tired yawn. He may have still been half asleep, but he couldn't deny remembering that Massu had wanted a view of the sea.
"We have to move," Massu stated simply, as it it were just a case of picking up their things right now and walking into another room of their choice.
Nakamaru checked the time in his phone to ensure he wasn't reading it wrong, and then put the phone back to his ear. "It's 6am..." he repeated.
"I can't sleep with that wall there."
"Massu, you slept all night didn't you?" Nakamaru chuckled, and then there was suddenly silence and he realised that Massu had hung up the phone.
Nakamaru stared at his phone for a moment, wondering if that had all been a dream but the wall was still outside the window and he was definitely awake. He let out a sigh and stretched his arms above his head, another yawn escaping his lips. He hadn't been expecting a start this early on vacation. He tugged a t-shirt from the top of his suitcase to join the sweatpants he had been sleeping in, grabbed his key and left the room.
Massu was still staring out of the window when the knock on the door came, and Nakamaru had to knock several times before the door opened and Massu let him inside, before turning and stepping back through the small corridor into the main part of his hotel room.
"It's not a joke Yuichi, we need to move..."
"I'll go down to the front desk later and see if they have any rooms facing the sea."
"You can't go now?" Massu asked.
Nakamaru sighed again. "It's 6am. Actually," he checked his watch. "It's 6.06am. They're busy sleeping."
Massu flopped down on his bed with a thump, staring at the floor.
"Is it really that important to you?" Nakamaru asked him seriously. The last time he had seen Massu this worked up was when he had gone to his apartment and accidentally knocked one of his jackets onto the floor.
Massu nodded silently, and then looked miserably across the room towards the closet. "I'll have to pack and unpack all my things again. Yuichi, do you know how long that stuff takes?"
Nakamaru didn't. He was more the kind to throw everything in and hope his suitcase closed at the end of it. "You unpacked already?" he asked in surprise. They'd arrived at 11pm and all he'd wanted to do was settle down in bed and get a good night's sleep.
"Yes," Massu replied simply, although he didn't move from his position from the bed. Nakamaru stepped over to the small closet in the room and tugged it open. Inside, Massu's clothes were all hung up on hangers or folded meticulously on shelves. It was a moment later that he realised they also seemed to be arranged by colour.
"Wow, that's pretty crazy," Nakamaru pointed out light-heartedly as he slid the closet doors closed again and turned back to his friend sitting on the bed. He was bad at picking up obvious things like this but after a moment he realised that Massu's head was now buried in his hands, hands that were shaking.
"Massu?"
"It's not crazy."
As Nakamaru took a seat beside Massu on the bed, the feel of the mattress dipping down made Massu look up to see what he was doing. He immediately decided it was a mistake because it gave his friend a clear view of the tears welling up in the corners of his eyes that were beginning to spill down his cheeks. He looked embarrassed and humiliated but he couldn't seem to stop it.
Nakamaru was silent for a few moments. It was a shock to him to see Massu, his friend - a man who seemed to have an eternal smile on his face - on the verge of completely breaking down in tears. For a minute, he was unsure of what to say, but finally he reached across and took Massu's left hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.
"I'm sorry," he spoke softly. "I'll go and wait in the lobby until the reception desk opens," Nakamaru decided. "You can stay up here and start packing your things up, okay? We're moving rooms," he told him gently, the only thing on his mind right now to get them their sea-view room. He decided that right now, it was best not to push the other any further; if he could just get them their room, perhaps he could make his friend feel better. That had been the purpose of this trip after all. Sometimes, he just needed to remember to think before he spoke.
20th September 2009
In September, Massu finally had his chance to be interviewed on Shounen Club Premium. The interview brought back fears and bad memories from his uncertain Junior days, but more than that, it made him talk about Tegoshi to someone else, in a different sense than he'd had to for a while. The fact that his heart started to beat a little faster just because he knew the question was coming up said everything.
"What is Tegoshi like?" he was asked by Kokubun Taichi, the last member of the group he was asked to speak about. Massu rolled his fingers nervously together as he thought about the best way he could answer the question.
"Tegoshi? Tegoshi is part of Tegomass with me... He's the one I spend most of the time with because of that. Recently, we've been getting closer and closer."
Closer and closer. What he didn't mention was that he himself had been getting closer and closer to Tegoshi while Tegoshi had remained mostly indifferent. Neither of them could deny that they had become better friends, but Tegoshi had no idea what Massu really wanted from him, and after his one failed attempt at telling the other how he felt, he knew that things had to stay that way.
April 20th 2012
"You have a visitor," the guard informed him, and Massu glanced up to see a familiar figure stepping past the man into the room. Nakamaru Yuichi looked like he hadn't slept since the incident, and seemed a little nervous; Massu wasn't surprised. He stepped up to the table, and took a seat opposite him.
"You didn't really do it, did you, Massu?" was Nakamaru's first question. It should have been obvious. He had heard the broadcast just as everyone else had, had sat and listened to it at home even though he already knew what announcement had been planned. But if Massu were to tell him that he hadn't, Nakamaru would believe him in a heartbeat.
"I did," Massu told him, and he could almost physically see Nakamaru's heart sinking, all hope lost.
"But... but, why?"
"I don't think I have an answer to that question just yet."
"I'm sorry. I suppose you've had enough questions already, right? Did they finish interviewing you?"
"No. We took a break because they wanted me to tell them something that I didn't want to tell them."
"Can you tell me?"
Massu shook his head immediately.
"I can't hear any worse," Nakamaru pointed out.
Massu bowed his head, and he seemed to be having real difficulty fighting to say something out loud that he had kept inside for so long. He cracked his knuckles nervously.
"Take your time," Nakamaru told him gently. "I don't have anything better to do today."
The silence was long. But no matter how long the clock ticked by, Nakamaru's patience never wavered even once. The guard told him it was soon time to leave several times, but Nakamaru simply sat and watched, waiting and hoping that Massu could finally tell him whatever it was that was on his mind that he clearly needed to get out before he could move on.
"You never laughed at me, did you?" Massu spoke after what seemed like a long time.
"Of course not."
"Even when we went on that trip and I was so picky with everything. You just went along with it and did what I wanted."
"You're my friend. Of course I did."
"So... so if I tell you this, you won't laugh at me now either?" Massu looked up, looking right into Nakamaru's eyes, needing that reassurance that he wouldn't be a joke to Nakamaru like he seemed to be to everyone else.
"No. I promise,” Nakamaru told him, looking back at him sincerely.
There was silence again, as Massu looked back down at the table again. "I was really in love with him," he spoke quietly, and for the first time since he had been brought to the police station, there was a huge amount of emotion in his tone, and he could feel his eyes becoming damp.
"With who?"
"Tegoshi," Massu replied, and he felt his voice cracking. He looked up to try and read Nakamaru's facial expression, and then he continued. "I know it was wrong, he's a guy and I shouldn't have felt like that but I couldn't help it, I always thought about him, what I wanted to do... it scared me," he admitted.
"Did you ever tell him how you felt?" Nakamaru asked calmly, not at all effected negatively by what Massu had just revealed, much to Massu's relief.
"Once," Massu replied, and Nakamaru was about to question further, but the memories had already driven Massu to tears, and Nakamaru's hand had slid across the table to take hold of the other's.
15th October 2010
Every time Massu saw Tegoshi, as much as he tried to stop them, a rush of feelings flowed through him. Whether it had been a couple of days or a couple of weeks, this silly "crush" that he had just didn't go away, to the point where he could no longer even consider it simply a crush at all, not after over a year. He didn't think he had ever been in love in the past, but that was what those feelings felt like to him now. He had heard someone once said that love was thinking about a person first in the morning, and last at night. Massu had long since passed that stage. He woke in the middle of the night, in an empty bed, from dreams where they were lying side by side with their hands entwined.
With a single release quickly approaching, it was almost impossible to avoid his group-mate. Telling Tegoshi how he felt was always almost on the tip of his tongue even though he was sure, deep down, saying those words out loud could only end badly.
In the lead up to the release of their long-awaited new single Fighting Man they were invited to appear on Music Station. Used by now to the show's set up, despite having not appeared on it since their last single, all Massu could think about as they got ready to appear, was at what points he would be close to Tegoshi, how he could possibly keep his feelings from showing on his face.
And as they were interviewed, Massu's mind was far away from whatever topic it was they were discussing. Tegoshi wasn't even sitting beside him, but he could somehow still feel him.
"Massu?" Koyama's voice broke through his thoughts, and he suddenly looked up, realising he had been asked a question asked or for a comment but he hadn't heard, too lost deep in his own thoughts.
"I think I've fallen in love with you, Tegoshi," he suddenly blurted out. He hadn't meant to say it out loud but it was all that was on his mind, he said over and over again both when he was awake and when he was sleeping, and it had only been a matter of time before it came out loud. The odds of that happening on television were low, but Massu's usual lucky streak had failed him this time in the worst way possible.
There was a momentarily silence. Then the studio audience began calling out, "ehhhh?"
Tegoshi was first to laugh. That whole-hearted laugh he used when he really found something funny, throwing his head back, showing those sparkling perfect teeth. Massu's cheeks began to grow hot. He heard Koyama's distinctive laugh, Shige saying, "what was that?!" and he could hear Yamapi and Ryo sniggering. Soon, even the hosts and the other guests were laughing, and Massu wished the ground would open up below him so he could escape the situation. One thing was very clear, no one, not even Tegoshi, believed he was speaking the truth.
"It's not a joke," Massu spoke quietly, but everyone was laughing too hard to hear and the camera wasn't on him. It seemed he hadn't been able to rid himself of his role as the one to be laughed at. As the laughter began to die down, he curved his lips in that familiar awkward stupid smile, and Tegoshi stood up from his seat and marched to Massu, giving him a light slap on the back of his head.
"Sorry, sorry," he laughed, an expert at making it sound real, and before he could really think about it further the group were sent to the stage perform their single.
-------
"I'm going to the bathroom," Massu told one of the producers. The group had gathered along with the other guests but Massu couldn't bear to be there on camera any longer with a smile on his face. He headed off the set, down a corridor back stage, and by the time he reached the door of the bathroom he was practically running. He had barely gotten the door of the stall closed, before he was blinking back tears. He put his head in his hands and rubbed at his eyes, and he could feel himself rubbing off his make-up which made him feel even more frustrated, but he couldn't stop his tears from flowing.
It was his fault for saying it out loud like that, but he wondered, if Tegoshi had been a girl - which he wasn't, no matter how he might act like it sometimes - it would be as hard? Would they have believed him, then? Would they have at least told him it was cute, rather than making a big joke out it?
He wondered if this might be the worst possible way to be different. He didn't mind most of the time that people thought he was different because of how obsessive he was about some things, because sometimes even he could think about how ridiculous some of them were, but this wasn't ridiculous, not to him. It was hard, and painful, and being laughed at about it was one of his worst fears, one which today had become slightly realized.
Later that evening, he replayed the video of their interview over and over, pausing it every time on Tegoshi's face creased in laughter. It seemed that was what his friend thought about the possibility of him confessing to him. After that, he watched the part of the show he had missed by being in the bathroom, and as he glanced at the empty space where he should have been sitting, Tegoshi stood up and started singing and dancing along to KARA's Mister, and he couldn't tear his eyes away.
April 20th 2012
"You know what it's like in concerts, or on TV right? We're meant to touch each other like we like each other more than we do. When I had to do things like that with Tegoshi, it felt awkward, and embarrassing, but I also felt like it was the only time I could ever do anything like that with him, so in that way I was grateful. But then we toured with NEWS, and it wasn't just him any more. Every time I did anything with any of the others, or when they did it to me, I felt like I was violating them somehow."
"You liked them too?" Nakamaru asked. His visit should have ended an hour ago, but he had refused to leave until the pair of them had finished talking and the detectives seemed to be hoping he would be able to create some kind of breakthrough, not that Nakamaru would reveal their conversations even if they did.
"No... but, I was so confused. I hadn't felt that way before, not about a guy. Whenever we were doing things like that in concerts I would be trying to see if I felt the same way, or if it was just Tegoshi."
"But they never figured anything was different?"
"It didn't seem any different. It was just me who was different, and we did those things anyway, it was just inside my head that was a mess. But..." he trailed off, and seemed a little awkward about what he was going to say next. "Have you ever felt like one of your members has done something that you didn't like?"
Nakamaru thought about the question for a moment, wanting to give the other a proper answer, and then gave a small nod. "Sometimes, Kamenashi leans forwards to kiss me when we're on camera. I think if I didn't move out of the way, he'd actually do it." He stopped, wondering why they were suddenly talking about him, and added, "why do you ask?"
September 28th 2010.
Encores were always somewhat a free-for-all. With the rigid dance moves they performed most of the rest of the concert in, it was nice just to be able to run around and be free and silly. The cameras were filming the show that night, the last night of the tour, to eventually create a DVD, and the group members had been told to remember them while they were performing.
And they did.
In fact, once they figured out where a camera was, it was difficult to keep them away from it. The group split into two halves, and with Koyama, Yamapi and Tegoshi hogging one of the cameras close to the ground, while Massu, Ryo and Shige chose another, all with arms over each other's shoulders, pulling silly faces as they sung. The group led by Massu quickly got bored and as they moved away, and spotted by Koyama, who led his group over to join them, and Shige and Massu backed right into them, putting a halt to Ryo who glanced round to see where the hold up was.
He met Massu's eyes, and with a mischievous glint in his eyes decided to take advantage of their close proximity. With Massu backed up against Shige who was backed up against Koyama, Yamapi and then Tegoshi, there was nowhere to go as he suddenly felt a hand between his legs and as he looked up at Ryo's face again, he felt the hand cupping and squeezing him hard, and then the hand was gone so quickly that Massu wondered if it had even happened at all before he realised the satisfied grin on Ryo's face could only mean one thing.
"Woah!" Massu exclaimed, right into his microphone, and he momentarily he couldn't hide the shock from his face. He shot Ryo a strange look, and then he had to sing again, and Koyama was poking at his face and everyone was being silly again, and Ryo had practically already forgotten that he had done it.
Massu, however, couldn't get it out of his head. He forced his way through the rest of the song and through the next, and he just wanted to get off the stage now and speak to the other about it, and the songs seem to go on forever, but finally, they were able to leave the stage.
"That was out of order..." Massu told Ryo gently but a little indignantly as they headed off stage following their first encore. He had managed to hide it pretty well but it had hurt and been humiliating and he was fuming. He didn't often let out his anger, but he just couldn't not say anything.
"What was?" Ryo asked, a little surprised, and his body tensed up a little. It wasn't often that Massu spoke to him or anyone like that.
"Touching me there like that. It hurt."
"Oh," Ryo responded, and his shoulders loosened up a little. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do it so hard."
"You shouldn't have done it at all..." Massu told him.
"I'm sorry, I didn't know it would bother you that much... I won't do it again," Ryo promised, and put a hand gently on Massu's shoulder.
"Is that it?"
"What else do you want me to do?"
"I... I don't know," Massu realised, and suddenly he felt bad that he was being so over the top about it, but he couldn't help holding a grudge even though although it had hurt, the rest of the issues were his and his alone. As he was about to open his mouth to try and make an excuse, a staff member called them to return to the stage once again.
Koyama, Shige were already on the stage when Massu stepped onto the stage, with Ryo just ahead of him. Massu turned his head a little to avoid the lens of the camera Shige was holding, because he still hadn't quite managed to rid himself of the humiliated look that had formed from his conversation with Ryo, and he knew the camera wouldn't lie.
Yamapi was the next to climb up back onto the stage, dressed in a tuxedo, cape and mask. Massu wondered for a moment where their sixth member was, but his question was answered in the worst way possible when Tegoshi bounced onto the stage dressed in a white and blue maid outfit. It seemed that Massu had missed a lot while he had been standing talking to Ryo.
A sinking feeling came to Massu's stomach as he watched Tegoshi shaking his hips, because for a moment he felt like it was completely normal for him to be looking at Tegoshi the way he was, because all the other members almost seemed to be doing the same thing. Then Tegoshi linked arms with Yamapi, and the moment passed. He let the pair head down one of the walkways, and turned away, unable to keep his feelings from his face as he sang his first line in the song, unable to look round and sneak a glance at him once again.
Suddenly not wanting to be near anyone, he headed down the walkway in the centre of the stage on his own, trying to keep from glancing at the pair at the opposite end by waving at the fans on either side of him, planting that smile back on his face, knowing he only had to focus until the end of this song.
It was when he finally reached the centre stage that he realised he had been followed by Koyama, who was now standing beside him and waving to the fans with him, and a moment later their arms were linked too and Koyama gave him a look like he knew exactly what was going on.
Massu wouldn't have been surprised if he did, because Koyama seemed to always eventually know what was happening with members of the group, and Massu lowered his gaze so he wasn't meeting his gaze any more. Koyama patted him on the shoulder to show him that everything was okay, and Massu felt like he might cry right there in the middle of the stage. He knew if he did, it would almost be expected, because it was the last night of their tour, but he couldn't do it.
He glanced at the fans again, people still happy and lively and glad to see them even after almost three hours, and and he glanced at Koyama again and smiled, arm back round his shoulders, and the pair continued their walk together, before doing a silly march in the middle of the stage, and Koyama burst into laughter, patting Massu's shoulder again, and Massu grinned back and suddenly they were going crazy together in front of the fans. That was what it was all about, after all.
As they walked off the stage at the end of the night for the final time, Koyama called out Massu's name and gave him a worried glance.
“It's okay,” he told Koyama with a nod and that familiar smile, and Koyama backed down, never the kind to want to push or have an argument about anything.
PART TWO