(no subject)
A few years ago - not so far away, two years, give or take a few months - I was depressed. I mean, really depressed. I mean so depressed I probably should have been in therapy at the very least, but we didn't have money for that and, even if we had money, I wouldn't have gone because I would have felt it was wasting money on something useles, aka, me.
The thing is this. After my mom died, I hit rock bottom. I probably had been going towards depression since I was attacked when I was nineteen, but it did't really hit until I lost my best friend and the one person I could tell anything without fear of being judged.
I didn't go out if I could help it and, if I went out, I had panic attacks. I sort of fell back into bad eating habits - eating once a day, maybe, if - and I suffered from constant insomnia, and then I'd sleep for most of the day. It came to the point where in my worst, not only did I physically hurt myself for feeling worthless, I'd sleep around 12 hours a day.
Since I was like that, of course I couldn't get a job. Which only helped reinforced the feeling of being worthless. I didn't deserve nice things. I was a leech. Leeches don't deserve to have new things. So I didn't ask for anything, not even things I needed, like clothes ore shoes. I wore old stuff. My underwear for those years was... bad. Ugly and stained and either too big and too small but that was fine. In the midst of my depression, I was punishing myself with ugly, stained, unfitting stuff that, of course, only helped my depression grow bigger. It was a vicious circle that I couldn't get free of, but that I felt was fitting for me for being such a waste of a human being.
So. Where does piracy comes?
Well. It comes, simply, with this: my computer was my shield against everything else. Not because I could actually be myself, not with everyone, but I could lose myself in the computer. I lost most of my friends outside the net within that period. But my friends online where the best support I could have.
And how did I met them? Through fandom.
I'll stress this again: I couldn't buy stuff for myself. Even if I had wanted to, which I suppose a part of me did want to, I wouldn't have because my mindset around that era was that I didn't deserve being bought stuff. At least not good stuff. It was 'okay' if my dad or sisters gave me something for my birthday as long as I hadn't asked for it, but that was it.
So, with that mindset, I wouldn't have been able to buy myself actual series. Not if they cost _money_ that I was already leeching away from my useful, worthy of life family.
But there was a leeway. If I was downloading stuff, I wasn't buying. If I was downloading stuff, then it was 'okay'.
Now, I'm not saying it was or it wasn't. I'm saying that, at that point, that as my mindset, what worked for me, what made sense for me. And thus, for a few years, fandom not only helped me built this amazing, fantastic support system with some of the most fanastic people I've had had the pleasure of meeting, but it helped me interact with people, something that, outside the net, I was terrified of doing.
What's my point with this?
I'm not depressed right now. Or, well, I think so at least. I have a job now, a job I like and I'm good at. A job I'm being paid for. I've stopped feeling like a waste of space. I've bought myself clothes and shoes and new underwear.
Also? I've bought DVDs. I've bought books. I've bought magazines, videogames. Series I enjoyed? I've bought them. Little by little I'm buying myself stuff that, during the worst of my depression, I leeched off.
This is what 'piracy' gave me. First of all, a link I needed to feel that I mattered, evena little. And it gave me something to look forward, something that could make me happy. And now that I can, now that I'm able, I'm giving back.
Because that's the thing that a lot of people don't seem to realize. A lot of us, at some point, weren't able to buy stuff. But, the moment we CAN? A lot of us _buy stuff_. It's not that complicated.
The thing is this. After my mom died, I hit rock bottom. I probably had been going towards depression since I was attacked when I was nineteen, but it did't really hit until I lost my best friend and the one person I could tell anything without fear of being judged.
I didn't go out if I could help it and, if I went out, I had panic attacks. I sort of fell back into bad eating habits - eating once a day, maybe, if - and I suffered from constant insomnia, and then I'd sleep for most of the day. It came to the point where in my worst, not only did I physically hurt myself for feeling worthless, I'd sleep around 12 hours a day.
Since I was like that, of course I couldn't get a job. Which only helped reinforced the feeling of being worthless. I didn't deserve nice things. I was a leech. Leeches don't deserve to have new things. So I didn't ask for anything, not even things I needed, like clothes ore shoes. I wore old stuff. My underwear for those years was... bad. Ugly and stained and either too big and too small but that was fine. In the midst of my depression, I was punishing myself with ugly, stained, unfitting stuff that, of course, only helped my depression grow bigger. It was a vicious circle that I couldn't get free of, but that I felt was fitting for me for being such a waste of a human being.
So. Where does piracy comes?
Well. It comes, simply, with this: my computer was my shield against everything else. Not because I could actually be myself, not with everyone, but I could lose myself in the computer. I lost most of my friends outside the net within that period. But my friends online where the best support I could have.
And how did I met them? Through fandom.
I'll stress this again: I couldn't buy stuff for myself. Even if I had wanted to, which I suppose a part of me did want to, I wouldn't have because my mindset around that era was that I didn't deserve being bought stuff. At least not good stuff. It was 'okay' if my dad or sisters gave me something for my birthday as long as I hadn't asked for it, but that was it.
So, with that mindset, I wouldn't have been able to buy myself actual series. Not if they cost _money_ that I was already leeching away from my useful, worthy of life family.
But there was a leeway. If I was downloading stuff, I wasn't buying. If I was downloading stuff, then it was 'okay'.
Now, I'm not saying it was or it wasn't. I'm saying that, at that point, that as my mindset, what worked for me, what made sense for me. And thus, for a few years, fandom not only helped me built this amazing, fantastic support system with some of the most fanastic people I've had had the pleasure of meeting, but it helped me interact with people, something that, outside the net, I was terrified of doing.
What's my point with this?
I'm not depressed right now. Or, well, I think so at least. I have a job now, a job I like and I'm good at. A job I'm being paid for. I've stopped feeling like a waste of space. I've bought myself clothes and shoes and new underwear.
Also? I've bought DVDs. I've bought books. I've bought magazines, videogames. Series I enjoyed? I've bought them. Little by little I'm buying myself stuff that, during the worst of my depression, I leeched off.
This is what 'piracy' gave me. First of all, a link I needed to feel that I mattered, evena little. And it gave me something to look forward, something that could make me happy. And now that I can, now that I'm able, I'm giving back.
Because that's the thing that a lot of people don't seem to realize. A lot of us, at some point, weren't able to buy stuff. But, the moment we CAN? A lot of us _buy stuff_. It's not that complicated.