Delinquent [21/24]
Delinquent [21/24] by all_tattooed
Frank/Gerard [NC-17 - language, violence, crime, mentions of drugs & alcohol, sex ...etc.]
RPS. Don't know. Don't own. No harm intended.
~5042 words.
Summary: When Frank goes to Juvy, his counselor reforms him in a questionable manner.
Thanks to skelterellax for beta'ing. xo
Dedications: padfoot_001
Con-Crit welcome. Comments are nice.
Chapter 20
***
Chapter 21
Later that evening, when Frank had settled in the cafeteria for dinner with Jeph, somehow that odd yet exciting feeling of not actually knowing what was going to happen next, nor that how whatever it was, was going to make him feel, kept his stomach like a whirlpool. He couldn’t stop fidgeting or smiling, and so far he hadn’t really noticed, but at random he managed to giggle quietly to himself as well. With the frame of mind he was currently in, it would be impossible for Frank to comprehend such a thought, but Gerard was doing something quite incredible to his heart, so all he was capable of understanding right now was the exact location of said organ, because it was about to beat straight out of his chest.
“Fuck, Frankie, you’re making me feel unappreciative of life,” Jeph said, noticing his friend’s silence, and permanently curved mouth.
Frank’s legs were bouncing under the table, along with the wisps of hair covering his right eye, and he was just grinning, full of fucking beans or something as equally jovial like. It was almost funny to look at him, so off in his own world, and engulfed in some sort of brutally spectacular emotion that it seemed he’d missed a day’s medication, but really, that would only be funny if Jeph found people with mental disorders amusing, which he didn’t, so instead, it was just concerning.
“Frank, seriously, dude …maybe I wanna smile too?” Jeph tried again, because what he said before was obviously too intricate for Frank to understand at the moment, so he’d ignored it, or, he simply wasn’t listening in the first place …and, apparently, still isn’t. “Frank!”
“Huh?” Frank looked up, still with that smirk, and maybe even a little laugh escaping through his breath.
Around a mouthful of spaghetti, Jeph asked, “What’s going on, man? Why so smiley?”
“Oh, well…” Frank was still smiling, which somehow, and finally, made Jeph smile back at him. “…guess I had a good day.”
“A good day, hey? Lucky you. I almost cut my fucking pinky finger off with a rusty saw in woodwork today.”
Frank laughed, prodding at his own bowl of food, and understandably, too hyped in his own head to actually eat it. “Well, hey, at least you still got it, right?”
Jeph pulled a face, glancing at his bandaged finger. “Yeah, right. So what happened, someone feed you spoonfuls of sunshine?”
“I guess you could say that,” Frank said, shrugging a little.
“Hmm, I guess I could say that, but that’s impossible anyway, so why don’t you tell me what really happened, and stop acting a like a fucking bouncy ball?”
Frank was about to answer; he wasn’t certain of what it was he was about to say though. He suspected it involved the words ‘really bad’, ‘love’, and probably ‘fuck’ too, just for emphasis, so his mouth was hanging half open when Bob and Pete showed up at the table, Bob giving Jeph a nice hard smack on the back as he took his seat, and said, “Hey, fellas, guess what I just found out?” He didn’t sound too enthused however, so Frank wasn’t busting to know, besides, it was probably something lame and gross about the food Jeph was still shoveling into his wide-open mouth.
“Please, Bob, would you tell us?” Jeph boringly pleaded.
Bob smiled. “Okay! Today was our last day under supervision. No more Larry for Pete and I, and no more Mark for you two.”
Okay, so Frank was wrong. Whatever, it’s not like he can read minds. Jeph was mumbling something along the lines of ‘yay’, or maybe it was ‘gay’? Frank wasn’t too sure. He was quite fond of the latter word so it was probably just his imagination. It was as if falling head over heels for another man had suddenly painted everything bright pink and rainbows, and all Frank could think about was wearing sequined dresses, lacy underwear, and a big flashing sign that read, ‘Pussywhipped’, but he honestly doubted the ‘another man’ part of the equation was even relevant anyway. He’d probably want to dress up like a fairy no matter who it was he was crazy for, mostly because, -and this is only if Frank has managed to pinpoint his bizarre emotion correctly, being in love feels oddly like a five year-olds dress up party; the happiest day of a child’s life, except it’s completely exaggerated. A feeling he doesn’t want to let go of, a feeling he doesn’t want to end, so dressing up and blending in to stay there forever seems entirely appropriate.
Aside from trying to think up a less nonsensical word to explain his apparent gay relationship than ‘pussywhipped’, he just imagined himself dressed as fairy, so …maybe the ‘another man’ thing kind of does matter.
Asswhipped? Cockwhipped? Oh God, ew.
“Who told you that?” Jeph was asking, Frank finally managing to tune into the conversation again.
“I overheard Nick and his cronies earlier.”
Jeph rolled his eyes. “Very trusting source.”
“I actually like Mark. I might miss him a little,” Frank then said, which apparently was like saying ‘I like it when I throw up razorblades’, because suddenly all eyes were on him as if that was exactly what he’d just said. “What?”
No one said anything at first, and Frank didn’t really care whether or not they eventually did, so his mind was drifting in and out of adorable, goofy smiles Gerard makes when he thinks Frank isn’t looking at him, and that makes him start smiling again too, along with the bouncy legs he had going before.
“You’ve gone all weird, Frank. Like, over the last week or so. Tell me, are you feeling …caged in?” Pete asked, seemingly worried, or just very serious, which was hard to imagine from Pete since he probably didn’t even know how to spell the word.
Frank didn’t answer, because, whatever. He didn’t care, actually, he probably just didn’t hear Pete speak.
“Nah, he hasn’t reached lunacy yet, dude.” Jeph said, sending a knowing smirk to Frank, which Frank caught on to and returned the gesture, because, of course Jeph already at least half knew. He seemed to know everything else before Frank ever said the words, and as late 1800’s as it sounds, it simply filled Frank with joy.
Later, when Frank decides to think about it, he probably won’t quite understand why, but right now, it doesn’t seem to matter what the reasons are behind feeling the sudden urge to get up and stroll over to where Nick and his posse are seated in the cafeteria. Frank’s own friend’s eyes are burning into the back of him, just watching him, speechless, as Frank stands at the end of their old rival’s table, but he doesn’t notice, and he doesn’t have second thoughts, because if he thinks that if he doesn’t do this now, he’ll be too stubborn to do it later.
“Oh hey, Frank,” Nick said, looking up from his food, smiling sarcastically. “Come to burn something?”
Frank laughed a little, because, yeah okay, nice one, Nick. “No, Nick, believe it or not, I ahh …just, I want to, I want to apologize, actually. Yeah, I’m, I’m sorry.” Nick just pulled a face, maybe getting a little agitated because understandably, he didn’t believe Frank at all, and clearly, neither did his friends, whose eyes were as wide as their mouths, but Frank chose to snub that. He knew, despite saving face, that this was the right thing to do, regardless of whether or not he wanted to do it, it was still the right thing, so he continued, “I know it doesn’t change, make better, whatever, what we ...I did to you, but I am …sorry.”
Whether Nick was shocked speechless, or simply preferring to pay no attention to what Frank was saying, Frank didn’t know, but still, he instantly felt better for it. Then, because he was feeling generous, but maybe subtly trying to be a smartass, Frank pulled the gloves he was wearing off from his own hands and put them down on the table, nodding slightly as he said, “Have them, they get pretty addictive,” and with that, he turned and went to walk off.
He had only got along a few steps before he heard Nick call out behind him. He stopped on the spot, and that was when he noticed, Jeph, Bob, and Pete all staring like he just grown seventeen infant heads and a devils tail, and he turned back around, -mostly expecting Nick to tell him to either, ‘get fucked’, throw a punch, or just throw the gloves at him, but he was surprised when he didn’t do any of those things. Nick made his way closer to Frank as he pulled one of the fingerless, red gloves over his right hand, then, extended his arm to Frank. He held no expression, but Frank got the point, and he took a hold of Nick’s hand and they exchanged one firm shake while Nick just said, “Thank you,” and Frank nodded before letting go, and turning back away.
Frank was silent when he returned to his own table. The guys were still just gawking at him, but he was glad. He liked that he gained that kind of reaction from the people who knew him best within the entire centre, excluding Gerard, and come to think of it, Gerard would no doubt react the same way. It just confirmed to Frank that what he did was way out of his comfort zone, even his friends could see that, and no matter how pride damaging it was, he still fucking did it. He would eat meatballs before admitting it, but it actually made him feel good, like, a good person, as if his conscience was hovering at his shoulder, giving him a pat on the back. He liked it, really. For Frank, it felt a little silly to think, but yeah, he was proud of himself.
“Holy shit, dude. Did you just apologize to Nick?” Pete asked. It was almost a rhetorical question, because it was quite obvious that that was what Frank had just done, unless Nick liked to shake hands with people who approach him just to dish out insults or something.
Frank nodded. “Yeah, I did.”
Pete pulled a face, a weird I-don’t-know-how-to-feel-about-that mixed with why? kind of face, but he didn’t say anything, and at the same time, like their minds were freakishly connected, Bob and Jeph said, “Good for you, man”, which made Frank just smile and nod again.
***
That night, when Frank and Jeph were lying in bed, Jeph said, “So, you gave him gloves.”
Frank smiled into the darkness. “Yep …but, I think it was the prick side of me that did it. He doesn’t know that though.”
Jeph laughed softly. “I knew it. You’re such a sneaky fuck, Frank.” He sighed, and so did Frank straight after, like the air needed to be filled with acknowledgement because Frank didn’t really want to agree with that. “Do you love him?” Jeph then said, and it would have been out of nowhere, had Jeph not inherited the mind of Frank out of knowing him for so fucking long.
“I know you don’t mean Nick, because anyone else would think that’s who you’re referring to, so I think, definitely yes, but y’know …I have nothing to compare it to.” Jeph didn’t say anything at first, which gave Frank time to ponder over what he’d just said, and then he thought, when the fuck did I get so insightful? which made him think about gay fairies at five year-olds birthday parties again.
Thankfully though, the thought didn’t progress because Jeph said, “I know what you mean, man. It’s like, how the fuck do I know. Like, what is the one thing that makes you go from thinking, I’m still unsure, to, I fucking know? I used to feel like that about Jenny, but I was unsure for too long so that was an answer enough for me.”
Frank hummed, a million thoughts racing though his mind, and too quickly to really grasp any of them except one that could maybe give him a better idea than any. “How long were you unsure for?”
Jeph scoffed. “Almost the entire time we were together, so, what’s that …like, almost two years or something.”
Frank smiled to himself again; because that was the kind of answer he was hoping for. He hadn’t been unsure about how he feels about Gerard for that long, he hadn’t even known Gerard for that long, and if he was already fairly certain he was borderline I fucking know, then a part of him was pretty convinced he had known from the beginning and was just unable to recognize it.
***
Bob was wrong, their strict supervision had in fact not ended, Frank discovered this when he was woken by Mark early the next morning, and he had to laugh a little because, well, he just had too. “Heard this supervision thing was over yesterday,” Frank said, as he rummaged through his pile of clothes on the floor.
“Well, it almost is.” Mark stepped into the room, then proceeded to pick up random articles of Frank’s clothing also.
“Almost?”
“Yeah.” Mark sniffed at a shirt, seemingly thought about it for a moment, then, handed it to Frank. “That smells clean.”
Frank took the shirt, thinking that yeah, he really was going to miss Mark. He knew the guy would still be around, but it wouldn’t be the same. Frank may not have thought about it much before, but almost every morning, or really, most of the times they would even walk around together, going from one class to another and what not, he and Mark were always chatting about something. Sometimes it was just small talk, but sometimes it was to do with how Frank was dealing with things. Frank had even mentioned quite a lot about his parents to Mark, which was a topic even Gerard and he hadn’t come to discuss, so now that he thinks about it, it was good that Frank had Mark there too, and he also thinks maybe not talking with Gerard about his parents is actually better than it would seem.
Frank hated the idea of it, but he couldn’t deny it was true, he would say Mark had formed into somewhat of an appropriate father figure for Frank. Mark was a good fucking guy. He smiled, and said, “Thanks”, probably not referring to the shirt alone.
“No worries, kiddo. You should bring all that shit out for washing.” Mark indicated towards the pile of clothes.
Frank shrugged. “I’m pretty sure they’re all clean actually.”
They made their way out into the corridors, Mark swinging his keys around one finger as he told Frank, “So, this morning, before you see Mr. Way, I need to take you to see McKay.”
“Oh really? Why?”
“Ahh, he’s doing like, some evaluation or something on you boys. See how things have progressed, so, that rumor you heard about no more supervision may very well be true by the end of the day.”
“Shit. Well, that’s good, right?”
Mark smiled, and gave Frank a soft punch in the arm. “Of course it is, Frank. You’ve been doing a lot better than you appear to realize.”
Frank raised his eyebrows, surprised. Okay, that was unexpected. Then again, it wasn’t like he and Gerard made out with the office door open so no doubt it looked like he was doing nothing wrong. “Okay.”
They made their way into the cafeteria for breakfast when Frank finally noticed he hadn’t seen Jeph at all this morning, and he turned to Mark before making his way to grab something to eat and asked, “Where’s Jeph?”
“He’s with McKay now. I came to get him earlier while you were still asleep.” Frank nodded and Mark smiled. “See how good I am to you, Mister, letting you sleep in.”
Frank laughed, shaking his head a little. “Thanks, Mark.”
***
“Mr. Iero.” Mr. McKay smiled, baring teeth as Frank entered his office. “How are you?”
Frank nodded slightly, taking a seat. “Not bad thanks, Sir. You?”
Mr. McKay shifted a little in his seat, pulling an almost pained face. “Actually, I have a terrible cramp in my lower back, so, it’s not putting me in the best of moods.”
Frank swallowed, wishing the old man had just lied and said he was good so he didn’t have to feel so worried about how this little ‘meeting’ they were having was going to go. Frank never saw much of Mr. McKay. He was always cooped up in his stinky office, probably doing some sort of serious business, too serious for him to ever venture out unless he had to use the bathroom or it was time to go home. Frank hated having to figure people out, mostly because he wasn’t very good at it, and had shitty patience. He had no idea of the type of person Mr. McKay was, therefore, he didn’t really know what it was and was not okay to say. He decided to take the same approach as he did for his first session with Gerard, just answer questions, don’t elaborate. And, he was willing the bet his life that using that approach would not have him end up in the same situation as it did with Gerard.
“So, there’s no reason for this to go forever, Frank. Basically, I just wanted to have a chat with you, as I have with all you boys involved in the incident we had. Just go over some notes I’ve received from Mr. Way, and Mark, since he’s been seeing a lot of you over the past week or so. The opinions of these people are what I’ll be basing my decisions on, and also, what we discuss in here today, so …let’s start…” Mr. McKay pulled his glasses on and glanced over some papers, and all Frank could think, over and over in head was, NotesfromGerardNotesfromGerardNotesfromGerard. He’d probably never been more terrified.
“…Mark says, you seem rather unaffected by things going on around you lately. Can you tell me what you think he means by that?”
Frank thought, no, because he has no fucking idea why Mark thinks that, and is almost offended. That’s like saying he’s ignorant and completely unobservant, which he’s not, he thinks, really, he doesn’t know though, which is probably an answer to his own question. He spends a moment trying to come up with a valid explanation, or at least, one that makes some sort of sense, even if it’s complete bullshit.
“I think, maybe, he means that I’ve learnt to mind my own business …and, that if something doesn’t involve me directly, then there’s no reason for me to become involved.” So, what Frank did there, was bullshit.
Mr. McKay nodded slowly to himself as he took some notes down, his breaths so heavy it made Frank think the man had food or something stuck in his throat. “Okay,” He then said, glancing back up. “Now, there’s no exaggeration with this, but Mark also states that you’ve matured a fair bit over this last week or so. Frank, do you think you have? And if you do, why do you think that is?”
Wow, full-on questions. Frank can’t even begin to imagine the type of person he would be right now if this was how counseling turned out with Gerard. He knows this needs to be done, and at the end of the day, it’s all for his own benefit, but fuck, it’s already painfully boring and he’s not been in the room five minutes.
“I think I have. I feel like I have. I’m actually not sure I can offer any type of explanation either, Sir. I talk a lot with Mark …and, Ge-, ah, and umm, Mr. Way, so I don’t know exactly what it was that made me pull my head out of my ass, I ju-, oh shit, sorry…”
Mr. McKay laughed softly, actually, it was more like a chuckle …definitely a chuckle, because he put a hand on his round stomach and his head tipped back a little, and he said, “Not to worry, Frank. I don’t think expletives can be removed from your vocabulary through counseling.”
Mostly, Frank wanted to either laugh out incredibly loud at that, or simply say, ‘Actually, Sir, so far counseling has broadened my expletive dictionary’, but both those things were a very, very, very bad idea …doesn’t mean it’s not funny though, -in an immature kind of way.
“The only other thing Mark really says is that you want curtains on the shower stalls.”
Frank smiled into his hand, remembering how that came up. He didn’t really care so much about it now as he did at first, and it wasn’t something he was planning on starting a petition for. “Oh, that was because Mark had to sit at the lockers when we showered. I just thought it was weird.”
“And you don’t think it’s weird now?”
“Umm …no, I guess not?”
Mr. McKay nodded, which made Frank hope that that wasn’t the wrong answer. It also had him a little paranoid that saying ‘no’ implied he wasn’t bothered by older men watching him shower, and that sounded fucking creepy, because that’s not what he meant. He just meant no as in no I don’t really care, but that doesn’t even make a difference, it still sounds like the exact same thing. There’s really no way to explain it, so Frank doesn’t even try, because he just knows he’ll end up fumbling over words of denial, and somehow in the midst of it all he’ll say, ‘but I did shower with Mr. Way’, or something equally as stupid, and for that he would definitely die, like, on the spot, just drop dead.
“Mr. Way,” Mr. McKay starts, and Frank’s ears prick, and if it’s an actual possible thing, -which it most certainly is not, but feels like it is, the backs of Frank’s eyes go wide, because he doesn’t want Mr. McKay to notice how anxious he is right now. “actually, has quite a lot of good things to say about you, Frank…”
Oh dear.
“…could you tell me why that is?”
Frank’s heart was pounding so fucking hard that there’s not even a metaphor to describe it. His breathing just stopped, and his fingers curled into the palms of his hands to keep them from twitching like crazy. Mr. McKay was just staring expectantly at him, as if he would come out with a non-illegal explanation, but he wasn’t, there wasn’t one. Frank knew Gerard had actual feelings for him, and of course, that would be why he’d written whatever it was he did about Frank. However, ultimately he did it because they fucked, and Frank knows that gives a cheap and uncaring impression, but that’s how anyone else would see it.
“Nope, couldn’t tell you why actually.”
Mr. McKay shifted in his chair again, and began stroking his beard before resting his elbows on the desk, then leaning forward a little. “You know, it’s not often Mr. Way writes good things about you kids. I’m surprised. Mr. Way’s opinion is whom’s I value most. I’ve known him for quite some time. Despite certain circumstances, he is very good at his job, and I would take on board what he tells me before I consider my own judgment and views of a situation. We’ve discussed you a couple of times, Frank, to be quite honest, and he seems to think you’re too logical for your own good. ‘Logical’ was his word, I don’t really see how he could think this though, considering what you and your friends did was absolutely irrational, and quite clearly, you did not think before you acted. So, I want you to tell me why he would say such a thing.”
Frank really did hear and understand every word Mr. McKay had just said, and fuck, he was just as surprised as the old man appeared to be. He could see why Gerard would say that, actually. Frank had always been fully aware of the fact that he thinks about everything and anything way more than need be, -including what he did to Nick, but that didn’t mean he ended up making the right decisions, it also didn’t mean he thought about anything from the right point of view either, but he was, nevertheless, thinking.
It was hard to focus on putting an answer together for Mr. McKay, and that was mostly because, while Frank was still curious himself as to what Gerard meant exactly, he was a little more concerned about what ‘despite certain circumstances’ meant. Frank may have made many wrong choices, but he wasn’t an idiot. He could figure out these kinds of poorly masked, subtle statements rather quickly, and obviously Mr. McKay wasn’t going to say something like that with no reasoning behind it, so whatever these ‘circumstances’ were, Frank would really like to know. He made a mental note to ask Gerard about it tomorrow, after all, from Frank’s understanding; it was Gerard that was keeping something from him.
Still with no real answer in mind, Frank just shrugged, rubbed his hand stressfully over his face, and cleared his throat. He was totally stalling, even McKay could see that, the man raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything, so Frank took in another deep breath, then let it out slowly before he said, “Because I always knew what I did was wrong, even though I wasn’t willing to admit it, and yeah, I am now, but …that doesn’t make me logical, I don’t think. It means I have a conscience, that I’m aware, just simply ignorant. Maybe, if were relating this to Nick, Mr. Way can see that I took the situation with him in a revenge kind of way. I was sticking by my friends, he fucked Pete over, so, we did it right back, like, a settling of scores, putting him in his place. Call it typical teenage behavior if you want, but if you do, then, logic has nothing to do with that, so the way I see it is that the reason Way wrote what he did actually has nothing to do with Nick at all. And, if I’m right, then I guess he was just feeling generous.”
Mr. McKay was just tapping lightly at his chin, not even looking at Frank, seemingly he was staring somewhere at his knee. Frank couldn’t read his expression, like, at all, probably because he didn’t even have one, and after the speech he had just given, -some theory that he wasn’t even sure made sense, surprisingly, Frank wasn’t even thinking about anything right now. He just couldn’t. Nothing was coming to mind, he couldn’t even ponder over what he just said, because he hardly remembers any of it already. His throat was burning, and his ears were ringing, despite the dead silence of the room. Scratch the time before, this moment was the most terrified Frank had ever been in his life, and he really didn’t know why, it’s not like his current setting could get any worse, right?
Frank half-watched as Mr. McKay scratched something onto a slip of paper on his desk, blew the ink dry, folded it, and then shoved it into an envelope. He looked up at Frank, and unexpectedly, smiled. “Thank you, Frank. I have all I need. You can go now,” He said.
Frank nodded, somewhat unsurely as he stood from his chair. His legs felt like jelly, but he made his way to the door without stumbling, until he was back out in the corridor where he saw Gerard walking towards him, then he kind of lost his foot a little because, whatever, Gerard was sexy.
“What’re you doin’ out here all alone?” Gerard smirked, sideling up to Frank.
Frank actually blushed, and like magic, his stomach was doing those insanely sickening flip things again. He shoved his hands deep in his jean pockets and shrugged, motioning towards Mr. McKay’s office door. “McKay wanted to speak to me. See if I was being good ‘n’ all.”
Gerard raised an eyebrow. “And what did you tell him?”
“Not much, actually. It was mostly all lies. He asked me heaps of questions, and, he said you said I was logical, which was weird, also really hard for me to explain why you would say that, so thanks a lot.”
“That was the point.”
Frank smiled, his teeth worrying at his lip ring. His eyes shifted around the corridor, noting it was empty, then, he looked back at Gerard, who he realized had a pile of papers tucked under one arm, and not surprisingly, a coffee mug in his hand. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say to that, if anything at all, but then Gerard was stepping closer, slowly, almost cautiously, and Frank didn’t realize until the last moment that his back was pressed against the wall and Gerard was leaning in towards him.
“Can I kiss you?” Gerard asked. Like it even needed to be, but they were standing in the hallway so it was probably a good thing he did.
Frank’s brow creased, and he looked quickly up and down the hall again. “What type of kiss?”
Apparently though, it didn’t matter what type, because Gerard just pressed his lips against Frank’s, letting his tongue glide quickly along his bottom lip, then, tugging on his lip ring lightly with his teeth before stepping back a little and planting a peck on his cheek. Frank smiled dreamily because something almost unspeakable was happening to him, which was causing random bursts of embarrassment, so Gerard was laughing quietly at his expression.
“You can wait here if you want. I’ve just got to see McKay for a sec, then, we can go to my office.” Gerard said, with an exaggerated wink.
Frank nodded, “Okay”, and Gerard walked into Mr. McKay’s office, so Frank slumped onto the floor, and just …waited.
Chapter 22
Frank/Gerard [NC-17 - language, violence, crime, mentions of drugs & alcohol, sex ...etc.]
RPS. Don't know. Don't own. No harm intended.
~5042 words.
Summary: When Frank goes to Juvy, his counselor reforms him in a questionable manner.
Thanks to skelterellax for beta'ing. xo
Dedications: padfoot_001
Con-Crit welcome. Comments are nice.
Chapter 20
***
Chapter 21
Later that evening, when Frank had settled in the cafeteria for dinner with Jeph, somehow that odd yet exciting feeling of not actually knowing what was going to happen next, nor that how whatever it was, was going to make him feel, kept his stomach like a whirlpool. He couldn’t stop fidgeting or smiling, and so far he hadn’t really noticed, but at random he managed to giggle quietly to himself as well. With the frame of mind he was currently in, it would be impossible for Frank to comprehend such a thought, but Gerard was doing something quite incredible to his heart, so all he was capable of understanding right now was the exact location of said organ, because it was about to beat straight out of his chest.
“Fuck, Frankie, you’re making me feel unappreciative of life,” Jeph said, noticing his friend’s silence, and permanently curved mouth.
Frank’s legs were bouncing under the table, along with the wisps of hair covering his right eye, and he was just grinning, full of fucking beans or something as equally jovial like. It was almost funny to look at him, so off in his own world, and engulfed in some sort of brutally spectacular emotion that it seemed he’d missed a day’s medication, but really, that would only be funny if Jeph found people with mental disorders amusing, which he didn’t, so instead, it was just concerning.
“Frank, seriously, dude …maybe I wanna smile too?” Jeph tried again, because what he said before was obviously too intricate for Frank to understand at the moment, so he’d ignored it, or, he simply wasn’t listening in the first place …and, apparently, still isn’t. “Frank!”
“Huh?” Frank looked up, still with that smirk, and maybe even a little laugh escaping through his breath.
Around a mouthful of spaghetti, Jeph asked, “What’s going on, man? Why so smiley?”
“Oh, well…” Frank was still smiling, which somehow, and finally, made Jeph smile back at him. “…guess I had a good day.”
“A good day, hey? Lucky you. I almost cut my fucking pinky finger off with a rusty saw in woodwork today.”
Frank laughed, prodding at his own bowl of food, and understandably, too hyped in his own head to actually eat it. “Well, hey, at least you still got it, right?”
Jeph pulled a face, glancing at his bandaged finger. “Yeah, right. So what happened, someone feed you spoonfuls of sunshine?”
“I guess you could say that,” Frank said, shrugging a little.
“Hmm, I guess I could say that, but that’s impossible anyway, so why don’t you tell me what really happened, and stop acting a like a fucking bouncy ball?”
Frank was about to answer; he wasn’t certain of what it was he was about to say though. He suspected it involved the words ‘really bad’, ‘love’, and probably ‘fuck’ too, just for emphasis, so his mouth was hanging half open when Bob and Pete showed up at the table, Bob giving Jeph a nice hard smack on the back as he took his seat, and said, “Hey, fellas, guess what I just found out?” He didn’t sound too enthused however, so Frank wasn’t busting to know, besides, it was probably something lame and gross about the food Jeph was still shoveling into his wide-open mouth.
“Please, Bob, would you tell us?” Jeph boringly pleaded.
Bob smiled. “Okay! Today was our last day under supervision. No more Larry for Pete and I, and no more Mark for you two.”
Okay, so Frank was wrong. Whatever, it’s not like he can read minds. Jeph was mumbling something along the lines of ‘yay’, or maybe it was ‘gay’? Frank wasn’t too sure. He was quite fond of the latter word so it was probably just his imagination. It was as if falling head over heels for another man had suddenly painted everything bright pink and rainbows, and all Frank could think about was wearing sequined dresses, lacy underwear, and a big flashing sign that read, ‘Pussywhipped’, but he honestly doubted the ‘another man’ part of the equation was even relevant anyway. He’d probably want to dress up like a fairy no matter who it was he was crazy for, mostly because, -and this is only if Frank has managed to pinpoint his bizarre emotion correctly, being in love feels oddly like a five year-olds dress up party; the happiest day of a child’s life, except it’s completely exaggerated. A feeling he doesn’t want to let go of, a feeling he doesn’t want to end, so dressing up and blending in to stay there forever seems entirely appropriate.
Aside from trying to think up a less nonsensical word to explain his apparent gay relationship than ‘pussywhipped’, he just imagined himself dressed as fairy, so …maybe the ‘another man’ thing kind of does matter.
Asswhipped? Cockwhipped? Oh God, ew.
“Who told you that?” Jeph was asking, Frank finally managing to tune into the conversation again.
“I overheard Nick and his cronies earlier.”
Jeph rolled his eyes. “Very trusting source.”
“I actually like Mark. I might miss him a little,” Frank then said, which apparently was like saying ‘I like it when I throw up razorblades’, because suddenly all eyes were on him as if that was exactly what he’d just said. “What?”
No one said anything at first, and Frank didn’t really care whether or not they eventually did, so his mind was drifting in and out of adorable, goofy smiles Gerard makes when he thinks Frank isn’t looking at him, and that makes him start smiling again too, along with the bouncy legs he had going before.
“You’ve gone all weird, Frank. Like, over the last week or so. Tell me, are you feeling …caged in?” Pete asked, seemingly worried, or just very serious, which was hard to imagine from Pete since he probably didn’t even know how to spell the word.
Frank didn’t answer, because, whatever. He didn’t care, actually, he probably just didn’t hear Pete speak.
“Nah, he hasn’t reached lunacy yet, dude.” Jeph said, sending a knowing smirk to Frank, which Frank caught on to and returned the gesture, because, of course Jeph already at least half knew. He seemed to know everything else before Frank ever said the words, and as late 1800’s as it sounds, it simply filled Frank with joy.
Later, when Frank decides to think about it, he probably won’t quite understand why, but right now, it doesn’t seem to matter what the reasons are behind feeling the sudden urge to get up and stroll over to where Nick and his posse are seated in the cafeteria. Frank’s own friend’s eyes are burning into the back of him, just watching him, speechless, as Frank stands at the end of their old rival’s table, but he doesn’t notice, and he doesn’t have second thoughts, because if he thinks that if he doesn’t do this now, he’ll be too stubborn to do it later.
“Oh hey, Frank,” Nick said, looking up from his food, smiling sarcastically. “Come to burn something?”
Frank laughed a little, because, yeah okay, nice one, Nick. “No, Nick, believe it or not, I ahh …just, I want to, I want to apologize, actually. Yeah, I’m, I’m sorry.” Nick just pulled a face, maybe getting a little agitated because understandably, he didn’t believe Frank at all, and clearly, neither did his friends, whose eyes were as wide as their mouths, but Frank chose to snub that. He knew, despite saving face, that this was the right thing to do, regardless of whether or not he wanted to do it, it was still the right thing, so he continued, “I know it doesn’t change, make better, whatever, what we ...I did to you, but I am …sorry.”
Whether Nick was shocked speechless, or simply preferring to pay no attention to what Frank was saying, Frank didn’t know, but still, he instantly felt better for it. Then, because he was feeling generous, but maybe subtly trying to be a smartass, Frank pulled the gloves he was wearing off from his own hands and put them down on the table, nodding slightly as he said, “Have them, they get pretty addictive,” and with that, he turned and went to walk off.
He had only got along a few steps before he heard Nick call out behind him. He stopped on the spot, and that was when he noticed, Jeph, Bob, and Pete all staring like he just grown seventeen infant heads and a devils tail, and he turned back around, -mostly expecting Nick to tell him to either, ‘get fucked’, throw a punch, or just throw the gloves at him, but he was surprised when he didn’t do any of those things. Nick made his way closer to Frank as he pulled one of the fingerless, red gloves over his right hand, then, extended his arm to Frank. He held no expression, but Frank got the point, and he took a hold of Nick’s hand and they exchanged one firm shake while Nick just said, “Thank you,” and Frank nodded before letting go, and turning back away.
Frank was silent when he returned to his own table. The guys were still just gawking at him, but he was glad. He liked that he gained that kind of reaction from the people who knew him best within the entire centre, excluding Gerard, and come to think of it, Gerard would no doubt react the same way. It just confirmed to Frank that what he did was way out of his comfort zone, even his friends could see that, and no matter how pride damaging it was, he still fucking did it. He would eat meatballs before admitting it, but it actually made him feel good, like, a good person, as if his conscience was hovering at his shoulder, giving him a pat on the back. He liked it, really. For Frank, it felt a little silly to think, but yeah, he was proud of himself.
“Holy shit, dude. Did you just apologize to Nick?” Pete asked. It was almost a rhetorical question, because it was quite obvious that that was what Frank had just done, unless Nick liked to shake hands with people who approach him just to dish out insults or something.
Frank nodded. “Yeah, I did.”
Pete pulled a face, a weird I-don’t-know-how-to-feel-about-that mixed with why? kind of face, but he didn’t say anything, and at the same time, like their minds were freakishly connected, Bob and Jeph said, “Good for you, man”, which made Frank just smile and nod again.
***
That night, when Frank and Jeph were lying in bed, Jeph said, “So, you gave him gloves.”
Frank smiled into the darkness. “Yep …but, I think it was the prick side of me that did it. He doesn’t know that though.”
Jeph laughed softly. “I knew it. You’re such a sneaky fuck, Frank.” He sighed, and so did Frank straight after, like the air needed to be filled with acknowledgement because Frank didn’t really want to agree with that. “Do you love him?” Jeph then said, and it would have been out of nowhere, had Jeph not inherited the mind of Frank out of knowing him for so fucking long.
“I know you don’t mean Nick, because anyone else would think that’s who you’re referring to, so I think, definitely yes, but y’know …I have nothing to compare it to.” Jeph didn’t say anything at first, which gave Frank time to ponder over what he’d just said, and then he thought, when the fuck did I get so insightful? which made him think about gay fairies at five year-olds birthday parties again.
Thankfully though, the thought didn’t progress because Jeph said, “I know what you mean, man. It’s like, how the fuck do I know. Like, what is the one thing that makes you go from thinking, I’m still unsure, to, I fucking know? I used to feel like that about Jenny, but I was unsure for too long so that was an answer enough for me.”
Frank hummed, a million thoughts racing though his mind, and too quickly to really grasp any of them except one that could maybe give him a better idea than any. “How long were you unsure for?”
Jeph scoffed. “Almost the entire time we were together, so, what’s that …like, almost two years or something.”
Frank smiled to himself again; because that was the kind of answer he was hoping for. He hadn’t been unsure about how he feels about Gerard for that long, he hadn’t even known Gerard for that long, and if he was already fairly certain he was borderline I fucking know, then a part of him was pretty convinced he had known from the beginning and was just unable to recognize it.
***
Bob was wrong, their strict supervision had in fact not ended, Frank discovered this when he was woken by Mark early the next morning, and he had to laugh a little because, well, he just had too. “Heard this supervision thing was over yesterday,” Frank said, as he rummaged through his pile of clothes on the floor.
“Well, it almost is.” Mark stepped into the room, then proceeded to pick up random articles of Frank’s clothing also.
“Almost?”
“Yeah.” Mark sniffed at a shirt, seemingly thought about it for a moment, then, handed it to Frank. “That smells clean.”
Frank took the shirt, thinking that yeah, he really was going to miss Mark. He knew the guy would still be around, but it wouldn’t be the same. Frank may not have thought about it much before, but almost every morning, or really, most of the times they would even walk around together, going from one class to another and what not, he and Mark were always chatting about something. Sometimes it was just small talk, but sometimes it was to do with how Frank was dealing with things. Frank had even mentioned quite a lot about his parents to Mark, which was a topic even Gerard and he hadn’t come to discuss, so now that he thinks about it, it was good that Frank had Mark there too, and he also thinks maybe not talking with Gerard about his parents is actually better than it would seem.
Frank hated the idea of it, but he couldn’t deny it was true, he would say Mark had formed into somewhat of an appropriate father figure for Frank. Mark was a good fucking guy. He smiled, and said, “Thanks”, probably not referring to the shirt alone.
“No worries, kiddo. You should bring all that shit out for washing.” Mark indicated towards the pile of clothes.
Frank shrugged. “I’m pretty sure they’re all clean actually.”
They made their way out into the corridors, Mark swinging his keys around one finger as he told Frank, “So, this morning, before you see Mr. Way, I need to take you to see McKay.”
“Oh really? Why?”
“Ahh, he’s doing like, some evaluation or something on you boys. See how things have progressed, so, that rumor you heard about no more supervision may very well be true by the end of the day.”
“Shit. Well, that’s good, right?”
Mark smiled, and gave Frank a soft punch in the arm. “Of course it is, Frank. You’ve been doing a lot better than you appear to realize.”
Frank raised his eyebrows, surprised. Okay, that was unexpected. Then again, it wasn’t like he and Gerard made out with the office door open so no doubt it looked like he was doing nothing wrong. “Okay.”
They made their way into the cafeteria for breakfast when Frank finally noticed he hadn’t seen Jeph at all this morning, and he turned to Mark before making his way to grab something to eat and asked, “Where’s Jeph?”
“He’s with McKay now. I came to get him earlier while you were still asleep.” Frank nodded and Mark smiled. “See how good I am to you, Mister, letting you sleep in.”
Frank laughed, shaking his head a little. “Thanks, Mark.”
***
“Mr. Iero.” Mr. McKay smiled, baring teeth as Frank entered his office. “How are you?”
Frank nodded slightly, taking a seat. “Not bad thanks, Sir. You?”
Mr. McKay shifted a little in his seat, pulling an almost pained face. “Actually, I have a terrible cramp in my lower back, so, it’s not putting me in the best of moods.”
Frank swallowed, wishing the old man had just lied and said he was good so he didn’t have to feel so worried about how this little ‘meeting’ they were having was going to go. Frank never saw much of Mr. McKay. He was always cooped up in his stinky office, probably doing some sort of serious business, too serious for him to ever venture out unless he had to use the bathroom or it was time to go home. Frank hated having to figure people out, mostly because he wasn’t very good at it, and had shitty patience. He had no idea of the type of person Mr. McKay was, therefore, he didn’t really know what it was and was not okay to say. He decided to take the same approach as he did for his first session with Gerard, just answer questions, don’t elaborate. And, he was willing the bet his life that using that approach would not have him end up in the same situation as it did with Gerard.
“So, there’s no reason for this to go forever, Frank. Basically, I just wanted to have a chat with you, as I have with all you boys involved in the incident we had. Just go over some notes I’ve received from Mr. Way, and Mark, since he’s been seeing a lot of you over the past week or so. The opinions of these people are what I’ll be basing my decisions on, and also, what we discuss in here today, so …let’s start…” Mr. McKay pulled his glasses on and glanced over some papers, and all Frank could think, over and over in head was, NotesfromGerardNotesfromGerardNotesfromGerard. He’d probably never been more terrified.
“…Mark says, you seem rather unaffected by things going on around you lately. Can you tell me what you think he means by that?”
Frank thought, no, because he has no fucking idea why Mark thinks that, and is almost offended. That’s like saying he’s ignorant and completely unobservant, which he’s not, he thinks, really, he doesn’t know though, which is probably an answer to his own question. He spends a moment trying to come up with a valid explanation, or at least, one that makes some sort of sense, even if it’s complete bullshit.
“I think, maybe, he means that I’ve learnt to mind my own business …and, that if something doesn’t involve me directly, then there’s no reason for me to become involved.” So, what Frank did there, was bullshit.
Mr. McKay nodded slowly to himself as he took some notes down, his breaths so heavy it made Frank think the man had food or something stuck in his throat. “Okay,” He then said, glancing back up. “Now, there’s no exaggeration with this, but Mark also states that you’ve matured a fair bit over this last week or so. Frank, do you think you have? And if you do, why do you think that is?”
Wow, full-on questions. Frank can’t even begin to imagine the type of person he would be right now if this was how counseling turned out with Gerard. He knows this needs to be done, and at the end of the day, it’s all for his own benefit, but fuck, it’s already painfully boring and he’s not been in the room five minutes.
“I think I have. I feel like I have. I’m actually not sure I can offer any type of explanation either, Sir. I talk a lot with Mark …and, Ge-, ah, and umm, Mr. Way, so I don’t know exactly what it was that made me pull my head out of my ass, I ju-, oh shit, sorry…”
Mr. McKay laughed softly, actually, it was more like a chuckle …definitely a chuckle, because he put a hand on his round stomach and his head tipped back a little, and he said, “Not to worry, Frank. I don’t think expletives can be removed from your vocabulary through counseling.”
Mostly, Frank wanted to either laugh out incredibly loud at that, or simply say, ‘Actually, Sir, so far counseling has broadened my expletive dictionary’, but both those things were a very, very, very bad idea …doesn’t mean it’s not funny though, -in an immature kind of way.
“The only other thing Mark really says is that you want curtains on the shower stalls.”
Frank smiled into his hand, remembering how that came up. He didn’t really care so much about it now as he did at first, and it wasn’t something he was planning on starting a petition for. “Oh, that was because Mark had to sit at the lockers when we showered. I just thought it was weird.”
“And you don’t think it’s weird now?”
“Umm …no, I guess not?”
Mr. McKay nodded, which made Frank hope that that wasn’t the wrong answer. It also had him a little paranoid that saying ‘no’ implied he wasn’t bothered by older men watching him shower, and that sounded fucking creepy, because that’s not what he meant. He just meant no as in no I don’t really care, but that doesn’t even make a difference, it still sounds like the exact same thing. There’s really no way to explain it, so Frank doesn’t even try, because he just knows he’ll end up fumbling over words of denial, and somehow in the midst of it all he’ll say, ‘but I did shower with Mr. Way’, or something equally as stupid, and for that he would definitely die, like, on the spot, just drop dead.
“Mr. Way,” Mr. McKay starts, and Frank’s ears prick, and if it’s an actual possible thing, -which it most certainly is not, but feels like it is, the backs of Frank’s eyes go wide, because he doesn’t want Mr. McKay to notice how anxious he is right now. “actually, has quite a lot of good things to say about you, Frank…”
Oh dear.
“…could you tell me why that is?”
Frank’s heart was pounding so fucking hard that there’s not even a metaphor to describe it. His breathing just stopped, and his fingers curled into the palms of his hands to keep them from twitching like crazy. Mr. McKay was just staring expectantly at him, as if he would come out with a non-illegal explanation, but he wasn’t, there wasn’t one. Frank knew Gerard had actual feelings for him, and of course, that would be why he’d written whatever it was he did about Frank. However, ultimately he did it because they fucked, and Frank knows that gives a cheap and uncaring impression, but that’s how anyone else would see it.
“Nope, couldn’t tell you why actually.”
Mr. McKay shifted in his chair again, and began stroking his beard before resting his elbows on the desk, then leaning forward a little. “You know, it’s not often Mr. Way writes good things about you kids. I’m surprised. Mr. Way’s opinion is whom’s I value most. I’ve known him for quite some time. Despite certain circumstances, he is very good at his job, and I would take on board what he tells me before I consider my own judgment and views of a situation. We’ve discussed you a couple of times, Frank, to be quite honest, and he seems to think you’re too logical for your own good. ‘Logical’ was his word, I don’t really see how he could think this though, considering what you and your friends did was absolutely irrational, and quite clearly, you did not think before you acted. So, I want you to tell me why he would say such a thing.”
Frank really did hear and understand every word Mr. McKay had just said, and fuck, he was just as surprised as the old man appeared to be. He could see why Gerard would say that, actually. Frank had always been fully aware of the fact that he thinks about everything and anything way more than need be, -including what he did to Nick, but that didn’t mean he ended up making the right decisions, it also didn’t mean he thought about anything from the right point of view either, but he was, nevertheless, thinking.
It was hard to focus on putting an answer together for Mr. McKay, and that was mostly because, while Frank was still curious himself as to what Gerard meant exactly, he was a little more concerned about what ‘despite certain circumstances’ meant. Frank may have made many wrong choices, but he wasn’t an idiot. He could figure out these kinds of poorly masked, subtle statements rather quickly, and obviously Mr. McKay wasn’t going to say something like that with no reasoning behind it, so whatever these ‘circumstances’ were, Frank would really like to know. He made a mental note to ask Gerard about it tomorrow, after all, from Frank’s understanding; it was Gerard that was keeping something from him.
Still with no real answer in mind, Frank just shrugged, rubbed his hand stressfully over his face, and cleared his throat. He was totally stalling, even McKay could see that, the man raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything, so Frank took in another deep breath, then let it out slowly before he said, “Because I always knew what I did was wrong, even though I wasn’t willing to admit it, and yeah, I am now, but …that doesn’t make me logical, I don’t think. It means I have a conscience, that I’m aware, just simply ignorant. Maybe, if were relating this to Nick, Mr. Way can see that I took the situation with him in a revenge kind of way. I was sticking by my friends, he fucked Pete over, so, we did it right back, like, a settling of scores, putting him in his place. Call it typical teenage behavior if you want, but if you do, then, logic has nothing to do with that, so the way I see it is that the reason Way wrote what he did actually has nothing to do with Nick at all. And, if I’m right, then I guess he was just feeling generous.”
Mr. McKay was just tapping lightly at his chin, not even looking at Frank, seemingly he was staring somewhere at his knee. Frank couldn’t read his expression, like, at all, probably because he didn’t even have one, and after the speech he had just given, -some theory that he wasn’t even sure made sense, surprisingly, Frank wasn’t even thinking about anything right now. He just couldn’t. Nothing was coming to mind, he couldn’t even ponder over what he just said, because he hardly remembers any of it already. His throat was burning, and his ears were ringing, despite the dead silence of the room. Scratch the time before, this moment was the most terrified Frank had ever been in his life, and he really didn’t know why, it’s not like his current setting could get any worse, right?
Frank half-watched as Mr. McKay scratched something onto a slip of paper on his desk, blew the ink dry, folded it, and then shoved it into an envelope. He looked up at Frank, and unexpectedly, smiled. “Thank you, Frank. I have all I need. You can go now,” He said.
Frank nodded, somewhat unsurely as he stood from his chair. His legs felt like jelly, but he made his way to the door without stumbling, until he was back out in the corridor where he saw Gerard walking towards him, then he kind of lost his foot a little because, whatever, Gerard was sexy.
“What’re you doin’ out here all alone?” Gerard smirked, sideling up to Frank.
Frank actually blushed, and like magic, his stomach was doing those insanely sickening flip things again. He shoved his hands deep in his jean pockets and shrugged, motioning towards Mr. McKay’s office door. “McKay wanted to speak to me. See if I was being good ‘n’ all.”
Gerard raised an eyebrow. “And what did you tell him?”
“Not much, actually. It was mostly all lies. He asked me heaps of questions, and, he said you said I was logical, which was weird, also really hard for me to explain why you would say that, so thanks a lot.”
“That was the point.”
Frank smiled, his teeth worrying at his lip ring. His eyes shifted around the corridor, noting it was empty, then, he looked back at Gerard, who he realized had a pile of papers tucked under one arm, and not surprisingly, a coffee mug in his hand. He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say to that, if anything at all, but then Gerard was stepping closer, slowly, almost cautiously, and Frank didn’t realize until the last moment that his back was pressed against the wall and Gerard was leaning in towards him.
“Can I kiss you?” Gerard asked. Like it even needed to be, but they were standing in the hallway so it was probably a good thing he did.
Frank’s brow creased, and he looked quickly up and down the hall again. “What type of kiss?”
Apparently though, it didn’t matter what type, because Gerard just pressed his lips against Frank’s, letting his tongue glide quickly along his bottom lip, then, tugging on his lip ring lightly with his teeth before stepping back a little and planting a peck on his cheek. Frank smiled dreamily because something almost unspeakable was happening to him, which was causing random bursts of embarrassment, so Gerard was laughing quietly at his expression.
“You can wait here if you want. I’ve just got to see McKay for a sec, then, we can go to my office.” Gerard said, with an exaggerated wink.
Frank nodded, “Okay”, and Gerard walked into Mr. McKay’s office, so Frank slumped onto the floor, and just …waited.
Chapter 22