Dice Random Legacy 1.0
Welcome, welcome, welcome! I am still in mourning for the Lightnings, but we must soldier on, and how! This shall one day be the legendary legacy of the Dice name! Now, for those who aren't acquainted with the concept of a Random Legacy, essentially, the challenge is in maintaining these rules. A neat little program randomizes a few variables for each generation, with the generational divide occurring when the youngest child is midway through their Teen years.
For example, the first generation of Dices (man 'Dices' feels weird to write) must follow this format:
Translation: the founder can't live with a romantic partner, but does have a friend/sibling/grandma/peon living with them. One pregnancy or adoption only; if they have twins or triplets, fine, but no more after that. The founder must be in the Political career, and their erstwhile companion must be an Inventor. Perfect Careers means both adults must hit Level 10 in their careers and in the relevant skills. No Strangers means no babysitters, pizza delivery, or repairmen.
Man, that roll makes me feel like I dodged a bullet here.
Now, with all that tedious exposition out of the way, what do you say we meet our little dollies?
Straight out of CAS. Loaded up the lot, and behold.
Rowan: I am going to die. A lot.
Meet Rowan Dice! He's Cowardly, Charismatic and Ambitious, he Loves the Cold, and he's got Commitment Issues. He's our founder! But who's the fashion idol behind him?
Why, that's his lovely older sister, Luna! There is a theme to their names, but it's too dorky. I can't say. Luna is an Insane, Clumsy, Proper, Eccentric Technophobe, and I love her already.
Luna: Am I delusional, or did that house just pop up out of nowhere?
Rowan: Yes.
One might question whether it counts as a house, though.
First chance he got, a llama decided to drop by and check out the new weirdos, but unfortunately...
...Rowan was busy developing his social network...
Rowan: omg every1 new job at city hall #swag #fuckyeah
...and Luna had way better shit to do.
Luna: Is this blood? Ew. Such a SIV risk.
Luna: *rubs bloodstained glove all over face*
Then she gets to work - but, uh, you know I gave you gloves and eye protection in your casual clothes, right?
Luna: Clearly, you don't understand. I'm creating my first invention. I have to look good.
Rowan: Hey, look. I'm wearing an outift appropriate to my activity.
Yeah you are, square.
Luna: That wasn't a failure so much as a learning experience. A big, violent learning experience.
Luna: Say what you will about their brainwashing, but their marketing department's pretty good.
Yes, good, go explore the Arboretum. The shrubbery won't try to teach you via explosions.
Then off to City Hall to register as an Inventor.
Luna: I don't trust how shiny these floors are. Like they have it lit to distract from the milliwave scanners everywhere.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, a papparazo appeared! Rowan and Luna are already 1-star celebrities by sheer force of awesomeness.
Papparazo: FASCINATING.
Then a horse showed up with MORE paparazzi.
Rowan: god dammit I am pretty but not that pretty
Paparazzo: Oh this is good. "Dice take chance on living in hovel! Exclusive wall shots inside!
Paparazza: You - you know they're asleep right over here, right? You can have pictures of, uh, them? Asleep? I think Rowan's drooling.
Paparazzo: "Not a lick of paint anywhere! Bare drywall exposed in public!"
Paparazza: More for me, I guess.
Papparazo: Apologies, dear. Now that business is out of the way, I have a question I've been meaning to ask for a long time, even since we started consistently using the same info source. The question is: are you allergic?
Paparazza: No, darling! Of course not! Thank you!
Luna: Oh, hey there! I thought I heard someone being annoying and creepy. There's nowhere better for you to do so?
Paparazzo: Well, not without a certain relocation fee.
Luna: With what money? You've seen our living conditions.
Paparazza: *is tweeting all of this*
Summer Festival! Hey, why not.
Rowan: I got this.
I'm not so sure about -
Girl, you are my idol.
Rowan, being a disappointment, came in last.
Then puked. He didn't even finish his plate. WEAK.
Well, everyone else thinks the same, so you're being redundant. Also, who the fuck are you? Seriously, I have yet to find this woman or meet her or anything.
Later, at the pool...
Wow. That's, uh... that's quite the look you've got going there, Erica.
Rowan: Oh, damn. Did hotness incarnate just walk by?
Rowan: Uh... hi. You're really hot? I'm not very experienced at this.
Haley: It's cute on you.
Haley: Then again, pretty much anything would be. You seem nice enough to help me topple the patriarchy. Can I get your number?
Rowan: Uh... wow, sure! That was easy.
You will, babe. You will.
Meanwhile, my first zombie appears outside.
The zombie stumbled in and they stripped and got in the pool. If this isn't the start of a terrible horror movie, I'll eat a cushion.
Six minutes of chainsaw-flailing and hopelessly fake screaming later...
Rowan: What do you say we hit the showers?
Haley: Ooh, definitely.
Haley: If the established binary and segregation of genders keeps me from getting laid ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME -
They called it a night.
Ohhh shit. LUNA RUN
Zombie: BLUUUUH!
Rowan: OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS PART! BRAIIIIINS-AH!
Rowan: Oh, man, ha. Oh, man, kudos to whoever did your makeup. It's very boss. I loved you in Shaun of the Dead, by the way.
Zombie: Bluh?
I am as confused as you are. Play along; maybe he won't wise up and DIE OF FEAR like I was expecting him to. (And yes, this sequence looks terrible, but despite the lights, the caps were pretty dark before editing.)
Rowan took another shot at the Summer Festival.
Townie Bro: Yeah, baby! Stuff those wieners in your mouth!
Townie Lady: Oh, man, I hate giving bros what they want, but my competitive spirit is surging right now...
And Rowan still lost.
He consoled himself by meeting up with Haley again and wooing her relentlessly.
They even had their first kiss that night. ♥
Rowan: So, no offense, but your boyfriend is not nearly as pretty as me. You should break up with him so that I can tap that with impunity.
Haley: Can't argue with that. Let's meet up again tomorrow and see how it goes.
Can't argue indeed. This is Malcolm, Haley's now-ex. Poor, sad white boy.
Serena: Ugh. If you can't cope with the sight of a ghost, Moonlight Falls ain't right for you.
Rowan: If I have this sent to her office where all of her coworkers can see it, they'll all realize what a catch I am! I'll be irresistible!
Rowan: I could be drowning in pussy instead. Just sayin'.
Miriam: Baby, come here and let me demonstrate my epic kissing skills to you and maybe the hottie right there too
Rowan: ...
Oh, come on. I just got this EP and found an opportunity for some blogception and you think I wouldn't take it? Also, yeah, Rowan would totally blog his entire life like a 17-year-old. (I will be familyfunds-ing away any income he makes off of this.)
If Luna doesn't invent at least one thing a day, she gets antsy. And when she gets antsy...
...she needs a permit for her coping mechanisms.
Luna: THAT WAS TOTALLY WICKED!!
Wait, what? Okay, gotta try this.
I think she forgave him.
Rowan: So, would you like to live with me? Maybe do some more of that thing you did last night?
Haley: Sure, cool.
And so we learn that Haley is a Flirty Schmoozer and an Artistic, Technophobic Mooch.
Rowan: And now, something for my followers out there!
You know, I bet that if there was a way for him to blog this, he'd do it.
This, too.
And so the jingles begin. But what, exactly, is Haley's fate? She can't stick around, or Rowan might start to get attached, and we can't have that. Also Luna kinda hates her and I don't know why. The baby, the homewrecking, the continuing soap opera: next time, with the Dice!
60 .PNGs. Swearing, sex, innuendo, explosions.