Without You: Chapter Five
Title: Without You
Author: alinaandalion
Rating: T
Spoilers: Possibly up through the end of season 3.
Characters: Sophie, Eliot, Hardison, Tara, Parker, and Nate
Pairings: Nate/Sophie, Parker/Hardison, slight Tara/Sophie
Summary: The tears dry without you. Life goes on, but I'm gone because I die without you.
Chapter Five: Parker
One, two, three, four. Inhale. Five, six, seven, eight. Exhale. Keep the breathing steady, feet beating down the pavement. She can't stop running. It helps the ache inside. She thinks of her rigs with gleaming harnesses and zip lines and air flying through her hair, in her face. She can't fly on them anymore. Flying isn't for people who are empty inside. People like her. Flying is effortless; it doesn't take sacrifice and pain and lungfuls of air tearing through a raw throat. Running is like self-flagellation. An attempt to atone (never close enough; she's never coming back). Don't think about it. Don't think about the blood, the screaming, the hole in the ground, eyes closed that will never open again.
She wonders if it's dark where Sophie is. Dark like a grave dug before it's time. Or if there's light and happiness to make up for the fact that Sophie is no longer alive, and it's the ones who weren't fast enough, who couldn't save her that have to live in the dark. She supposes that's fair.
Nate has his drinking. Eliot has his job of keeping them all together. Hardison has his world on the Internet. She used to have flying and tall buildings and freedom. All she has now is busy streets and cold pavement and that ball of hurt that never goes away. (She still looks for Sophie, then remembers. Remembers that this isn't a con. That her life is falling apart at the seams and no one is there to put it all back together.) What happens when the bird is caged? It doesn't die; it just lives. Lives in a metal cage and watches the world go past. Never free again.
Stabs of pain course through her legs. She keeps going. She should probably go back. Hardison will be looking for her (he's always looking for her now, trying to talk to her; she doesn't know how to tell him that she doesn't care anymore. How is it fair that she's still talking and breathing and living when Sophie is suffocating under the ground all alone? He doesn't understand). She stops and stretches her legs out to relieve the aching in her limbs. She'll turn around in a minute. She moves through more stretches. Lifts her arms up (Sophie's smiling at something she said). Extends her leg out until the muscles in her calf pull and tighten (a gunshot. So much blood). Shakes her head and closes her eyes (dirt colliding with wood).
She thinks about the DVD sitting in its paper sleeve beside her bed. She wants to hide it, but she needs to see it to remember (remember that Sophie is gone; that Sophie cared enough to make sure she got to say goodbye). She has only watched it once. The words are burned into her mind.
Parker watches the small television screen, Bunny cuddled close to her chest as Sophie's face fills her vision.
"Well, I suppose it's real this time." Sophie has a small smile on her face, like she and Parker are the only ones included in some conspiracy. "I actually am dead. And, you're all still alive. I hope that's true anyway."
Parker decides that she doesn't like this. She reaches to turn it off but stops. This is all she has left now.
"I struggled for awhile to figure out what I can say to you. I still don't really know what to say. I'm sorry that I'm not there anymore." The smile is gone, but the light is still in her eyes. "I know you've watched a lot of people walk away from you. This isn't one of those times. I would give the world if I could be with you forever.
"I want you to take care of yourself." The tears slide down Parker's cheeks; she wipes them away, but they won't stop. "Don't shut everyone out. You need each other. It won't always hurt, Parker, I promise. And, don't forget about Hardison. He cares so much for you.
"I've never told you this, but I feel like you need to hear it. I love you, Parker. You've been like a sister for me."
Sophie flashes one last smile at the camera before the screen goes blank. Parker breaks her television. That is the first day she goes running.
She looks up. She has somehow managed to get back to Nate's apartment. This isn't the first time she's started running and forgotten about what she was doing. Maybe she needs to find something else to do because she doesn't like remembering. That's what the running is supposed to stop.
Hardison waits on the couch with a towel and a bottle of water. He has his game pulled up on the screens, but he isn't playing.
"Why aren't you doing anything?" she asks after gulping down some water.
He shrugs. "Didn't feel like it. How was your run?"
She doesn't answer. She looks at him instead and realizes for the first time how tired he looks. ("He cares so much for you.") She thinks about the running and trying to forget and how maybe he's been trying to do the same thing. She wants to fix him because even though she can't make her own hurt stop, maybe she can take away some of his pain.
"Do you want to jump off a building with me tomorrow?"
Her voice is quiet, and she doesn't look at him when she forces those words out. She hopes this will help.
His hand finds hers and wraps their fingers together. "Yes."
She nods her head once and settles a little closer to him on the couch. She gestures at the screens and watches as he starts his game up.
Chapter One: Sophie
Chapter Two: Eliot
Chapter Three: Hardison
Chapter Four: Tara
Chapter Six: Nate
Author: alinaandalion
Rating: T
Spoilers: Possibly up through the end of season 3.
Characters: Sophie, Eliot, Hardison, Tara, Parker, and Nate
Pairings: Nate/Sophie, Parker/Hardison, slight Tara/Sophie
Summary: The tears dry without you. Life goes on, but I'm gone because I die without you.
Chapter Five: Parker
One, two, three, four. Inhale. Five, six, seven, eight. Exhale. Keep the breathing steady, feet beating down the pavement. She can't stop running. It helps the ache inside. She thinks of her rigs with gleaming harnesses and zip lines and air flying through her hair, in her face. She can't fly on them anymore. Flying isn't for people who are empty inside. People like her. Flying is effortless; it doesn't take sacrifice and pain and lungfuls of air tearing through a raw throat. Running is like self-flagellation. An attempt to atone (never close enough; she's never coming back). Don't think about it. Don't think about the blood, the screaming, the hole in the ground, eyes closed that will never open again.
She wonders if it's dark where Sophie is. Dark like a grave dug before it's time. Or if there's light and happiness to make up for the fact that Sophie is no longer alive, and it's the ones who weren't fast enough, who couldn't save her that have to live in the dark. She supposes that's fair.
Nate has his drinking. Eliot has his job of keeping them all together. Hardison has his world on the Internet. She used to have flying and tall buildings and freedom. All she has now is busy streets and cold pavement and that ball of hurt that never goes away. (She still looks for Sophie, then remembers. Remembers that this isn't a con. That her life is falling apart at the seams and no one is there to put it all back together.) What happens when the bird is caged? It doesn't die; it just lives. Lives in a metal cage and watches the world go past. Never free again.
Stabs of pain course through her legs. She keeps going. She should probably go back. Hardison will be looking for her (he's always looking for her now, trying to talk to her; she doesn't know how to tell him that she doesn't care anymore. How is it fair that she's still talking and breathing and living when Sophie is suffocating under the ground all alone? He doesn't understand). She stops and stretches her legs out to relieve the aching in her limbs. She'll turn around in a minute. She moves through more stretches. Lifts her arms up (Sophie's smiling at something she said). Extends her leg out until the muscles in her calf pull and tighten (a gunshot. So much blood). Shakes her head and closes her eyes (dirt colliding with wood).
She thinks about the DVD sitting in its paper sleeve beside her bed. She wants to hide it, but she needs to see it to remember (remember that Sophie is gone; that Sophie cared enough to make sure she got to say goodbye). She has only watched it once. The words are burned into her mind.
Parker watches the small television screen, Bunny cuddled close to her chest as Sophie's face fills her vision.
"Well, I suppose it's real this time." Sophie has a small smile on her face, like she and Parker are the only ones included in some conspiracy. "I actually am dead. And, you're all still alive. I hope that's true anyway."
Parker decides that she doesn't like this. She reaches to turn it off but stops. This is all she has left now.
"I struggled for awhile to figure out what I can say to you. I still don't really know what to say. I'm sorry that I'm not there anymore." The smile is gone, but the light is still in her eyes. "I know you've watched a lot of people walk away from you. This isn't one of those times. I would give the world if I could be with you forever.
"I want you to take care of yourself." The tears slide down Parker's cheeks; she wipes them away, but they won't stop. "Don't shut everyone out. You need each other. It won't always hurt, Parker, I promise. And, don't forget about Hardison. He cares so much for you.
"I've never told you this, but I feel like you need to hear it. I love you, Parker. You've been like a sister for me."
Sophie flashes one last smile at the camera before the screen goes blank. Parker breaks her television. That is the first day she goes running.
She looks up. She has somehow managed to get back to Nate's apartment. This isn't the first time she's started running and forgotten about what she was doing. Maybe she needs to find something else to do because she doesn't like remembering. That's what the running is supposed to stop.
Hardison waits on the couch with a towel and a bottle of water. He has his game pulled up on the screens, but he isn't playing.
"Why aren't you doing anything?" she asks after gulping down some water.
He shrugs. "Didn't feel like it. How was your run?"
She doesn't answer. She looks at him instead and realizes for the first time how tired he looks. ("He cares so much for you.") She thinks about the running and trying to forget and how maybe he's been trying to do the same thing. She wants to fix him because even though she can't make her own hurt stop, maybe she can take away some of his pain.
"Do you want to jump off a building with me tomorrow?"
Her voice is quiet, and she doesn't look at him when she forces those words out. She hopes this will help.
His hand finds hers and wraps their fingers together. "Yes."
She nods her head once and settles a little closer to him on the couch. She gestures at the screens and watches as he starts his game up.
Chapter One: Sophie
Chapter Two: Eliot
Chapter Three: Hardison
Chapter Four: Tara
Chapter Six: Nate