Comments | alien_writings: I Prefer the Mind Control Rewrite

alien_writings

I Prefer the Mind Control Rewrite - Chapter 22

Feb 23, 2013 18:22

previous chapter

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“Wow, outer space is so...full of stars,” I murmured as I stared out the viewscreen. “It looks like a giant version of those old school screensavers.”

( The view really did look like a screensaver, especially as it was a screen and not an actual window. )

pairing: xan/dylan, character: xan, character: dylan, 500themes, series: i prefer the mind control, pov: dylan

Comments 4

theun4givables February 24 2013, 02:23:44 UTC

Oh, Dylan. Dylan Dylan Dylan. *shakes her head*

In terms of concrit, some of the emotion doesn't feel quite here -- though that might be Dylan's lack of usual enthusiasm for Xan coming through more than the writing itself. I'm unsure. Dylan's confusion seems pretty spot on -- especially since his thoughts of Preston just seemed to randomly crop up. You might want to be careful with that -- I know he didn't really think much of Preston in the past chapter or so, after he left. The fact that he's thinking about Preston now might just be nerves, like Xan said.

I didn't see any details that I felt were off/unnecessary, though the phrase "let my lips play against his," kinda bugs me from Dylan's POV. Like that feels more of a "third person POV" type of descriptor instead of something someone would thing. Also I think you (Dylan) meant that Dylan didn't want to "tango" with President Bradley, not tangle. Other than that, I think I'm good.

alien_writings February 24 2013, 08:14:30 UTC

As I was writing this, I felt a weird lack of enthusiasm for Xan coming from Dylan -- it was kind of odd, really. So maybe that's just Dylan's ridiculous brain and not the writing? Because he's not supposed to be feeling much for Xan at the moment. As I was writing it, I was all "WTF, Dylan's brain?" because the thoughts of Preston were really random. So I think that means the confusion came through like it was supposed to?

Dylan's thoughts are probably just nerves, but wouldn't it be awkward if the Soulbreaking Room Door refused them and said it was because Dylan was still in love with Preston?

My character was definitely having one of those "thinking for himself" moments where he was totally behaving how he felt like, rather than how I told him to.

n3m3sis42 February 25 2013, 19:50:04 UTC

So, question. I guess it was the longer-than-usual musings about how neither Dylan nor Xan are real that made me think of this. Since Dylan knows neither he nor Xan is real, why is he constantly wondering how someone as hot as Xan can want him? Neither of you are real, that's fucking how. Dylan, dude, you're not the brightest bulb, are you?

And also, Dylan, you need to make up your damn mind. Although personally, I think maybe he always loved Preston more than Xan and just didn't want to admit it to himself. And while Dylan being polyamorous makes things harder when Preston's not, he kind of just threw that in there and didn't let Preston have any say in it. What if Preston's okay with sharing Dylan? It's not like Dylan even asked, you know? So in retrospect, his whole reasoning for breaking up with Preston feels like a bit of a cop-out.

(I think there are couples IRL where one half is poly and the other... isn't and it works out, but I'm not really an expert on that sort of thing.)

alien_writings February 25 2013, 20:14:55 UTC

I head poly/monogamous couples can work, but I'm not an expert, either. Still, I don't think that's impossible, especially if the couple had the kind of emotional chemistry Preston and Dylan had. Someone else said the two of them needed to mature a bit before a more complicated arrangement like that could work out, but maybe it could? Dylan probably didn't have the mental capacity/maturity to even realize such a thing might be possible, so he kind of assumed Preston wouldn't be okay with his wanting to sleep with other people.

It's funny -- you think Dylan loves Preston more, and theun4givables seemed to think the feelings here were just nerves, probably at least in part because Dylan didn't think of Preston in the previous chapter. As for me? I don't even know ( ... )