Comments | alien_writings: I Prefer the Mind Control Rewrite

alien_writings

I Prefer the Mind Control Rewrite - Chapter 4

Jan 05, 2013 23:15

Here's chapter 4 of my I Prefer the Mind Control. Here's hoping the rewrite is sufficiently awesome!

previous chapter

---------The main cafeteria did a brilliant job of utterly wrecking my appetite, but I found myself here for lunch anyway because of my fucking meal plan. Preston sat across from me, staring into his unidentifiable chicken dish. ( Read more... )

character: bonnie, character: dylan, 500themes, pov: dylan, character: xan, pairing: xan/dylan, character: preston, series: i prefer the mind control

Comments 5

n3m3sis43 January 6 2013, 04:40:29 UTC

You know what? I guess I'm broken but I see nothing wrong with Xan's offer. He's just doing something that's perfectly okay on Zimara. I mean, yeah, it's awkward that Preston's a virgin, but he's a consenting adult and I don't have any issues with sex as a commodity that can be paid for if everyone involved consents. This was an interesting way to bring Xan back into the picture, and I can't wait to see how it pans out.

Also? Bonnie is a fucking asshole. And I'm curious about when/how Dylan got outed.

alien_writings January 6 2013, 12:05:17 UTC

Bonnie really is an asshole. That's probably what I get for naming her Bonnie. The only other major fictional Bonnie character I'm really familiar with is also an asshole, and I don't know any IRL Bonnies. Maybe she would have been nicer if I had called her Willa like I had considered. Then again, if she had been nicer, I wouldn't have this plotttttt! And it's a ridiculous, yet kind of awesome, plot.

I'm not even 100% on how Dylan got outed, but I think I know. It will come out eventually, even if he's reluctant to share.

theun4givables January 6 2013, 14:12:02 UTC

Dude, Bonnie's a downright bitch. I mean I understand it sucks that her boyfriend was really in love with another dude, but girl, that's no fucking reason to out him to his whole family. Especially when his whole family would pretty much disown him for it. That's fucking bullshit.

I loved Dylan's odd little threat. I'm glad that little gag is starting to show up because it was one of the very fun things about the original Dylan in the first place. xD

Xan... oh, Xan. I see nothing wrong with his offer, either, considering that that's just how things are done on Zimara. He was just doing something completely normal for him to do. The good news is that Preston will at least get the money he needs to continue going to school. And he get to fuck a hot Prince. A prince! For his first time. I could see him being okay with this lolol.

alien_writings January 6 2013, 17:11:15 UTC

Bonnie's planned retaliation is really...out of proportion and so uncalled-for. She is...not a nice person, not in the least. Preston does not deserve that, dude.

Dylan should have another odd threat in the scene I am writing now. Odd threats are fun!

Xan really is doing something normal for him, even if Dylan is kinda "WTF?" about it. I think both he and Preston will get over it quickly once they actually see Xan, lol.

pixiebelle January 16 2013, 04:50:43 UTC

I loved Dylan's threat about the spaghetti! Very funny!

I also really liked this:

"When -- you know, what? I’m still not gonna talk about that."

I liked the way you pulled out a bit for that. It just felt like he was talking to me, which felt so natural.

Though one thing, and this is likely only me, but you use the word "fuck" A LOT. Like way more than a lot. And it's a bit distracting at times.... and makes me look down on the character's intelligence a bit, which may or may not be intentional. Take it with a grain of salt, but I thought I'd mention it. Using it now and then to build a character is great, but sometimes I felt like it was a bit much...

Otherwise, I like that Xan and Dylan are going to help out Preston. That poor guy!