Gods and Shadow Creatures - Unlovable
After a looooot of kinda-still-ongoing writer's block, I finally wrote a thing. There are words in it! This is from my Gods and Shadow Creatures universe.
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“Should you really be drinking coffee this late?” Breccan glanced at Nico’s nearly empty mug of coffee he entered the room he and Nico shared at the small inn.
Nico’s eyes widened to see his friend return so early. “Why aren’t you at the Winter’s End Festival?” he asked.
Breccan’s whole body sagged as he sat on his bed. He stared up at the ceiling, and Nico wondered what had brought him back -- surely he would have wanted to spend more time among the other people celebrating the beginning of springtime.
“It wasn’t any fun,” Breccan murmured.
“You don’t enjoy music? Dancing?” Nico said. If he listened, he could even hear strains of the rollicking music from the inn. People’s voices carried through the air, cheerful and energized, like a wind heralding the coming spring.
“Not when nobody wanted to dance with me,” he sighed, resting his elbows on his knees.
“Nobody?” He raised an eyebrow.
By custom, people asked each other to dance at the festival by presenting prospective partners with a paper flower. If they accepted the flower, they accepted the dance. The children of any given town would make baskets and baskets of papers flowers in a rainbow of shapes and colors, usually attached to slim green stems. These children would go around with the baskets and offer flowers to those old enough to ask someone to dance.
Festival goers kept the flowers they received as tokens -- having many flowers was considered by some a mark of pride. People tended to pair off during these events, giving multiple flowers to the same person or taking turns being the giver or receiver -- some even traded a single paper bloom between them.
“Nobody,” Breccan muttered. “And I was hardly the only man asking other men to dance, or anywhere close to the oldest one there. So that wasn’t it.”
Nico took another sip of coffee and sat down beside him on the bed. His eyes flickered to the yellowish candles burning in the wrought iron candle holder on the wall. Sitting so close to Breccan, he could feel the man’s distress as an almost-physical thing.
“Perhaps -- it wasn’t the right crowd?” Nico murmured.
“It’s been the same everywhere,” Breccan said. “Nobody notices me. Are you sure you...?”
“Of course I did,” he said, gripping his coffee mug harder than necessary.
“I -- I know you did. I’m just -- it doesn’t seem to have made any difference.” Breccan stared at the ground, defeat etched in every line of his body.
Nico sighed. He had put a claim on Breccan in order to protect the man from Nico’s fellow god Egan. Claims prevented anyone other than the claimer from having interest in the target of the claim -- a claimed mortal would be romantically and sexually “invisible” to other mortals. When two gods tried to put a claim on the same mortal, the stronger god would win, with the weaker one still aware of their attraction to the mortal but unable to do anything about it.
As far as protection went, Nico’s claim had worked perfectly -- Egan couldn’t touch Breccan. This protection had come at a price, though -- it had left Breccan alone and unable to experience love. Nico had never acted on his claim, as much as he wished he could. The young man wanted a mortal partner, not one of his corrupt people. Breccan’s loneliness had eventually prompted Nico to kill Egan, despite the terrible consequences for himself. He had thought this would free Breccan to find somebody, since if Egan no longer existed, Nico wouldn’t need to claim him to protect him. It hadn’t worked so far.
“Maybe you just need to give it time?” Nico said, sipping his coffee. He would have to get more soon.
“Give it time -- that’s what they always say, isn’t it? Not even a single dance. I think I’m just unlovable,” Breccan muttered.
“Excuse me?” Nico spluttered, choking on his coffee. It burned his throat, and he winced as he tried to recover.
Breccan shrugged. “Is that really so surprising? How else do you explain why I’ve gotten no attention?”
“You’re -- you’re not unlovable. That’s the last thing I would think about you,” he said, staring at the young man.
Of all the things Breccan might think about himself, that one seemed preposterous to Nico. Unlovable? How could the man be unlovable when Nico loved him? Of course, Breccan wouldn’t take that as any sort of comfort, not after everything that had happened with Egan.
“My own parents didn’t think much of me. I had no romantic encounters before I became a mage. You know all that, so why should I think anything else?” Breccan muttered.
“B-because,” he said.
“That’s not a reason.” Breccan’s eyes filled with tears.
What could Nico do now? His chest tightened as he watched his friend. It seemed like nothing would convince Brecccan he wasn’t unlovable, and Nico had no solution to offer. He just sat there, wishing he weren’t so useless in these matters. It hurt to see him in so much pain, in a way that defied physical description. Nico felt like his soul broke, only he didn’t have a soul.
Sighing, he put his coffee mug down on the night table. Nico caught Breccan’s eyes and, without thinking, wrapped his arms around the man. As soon as he realized what he had done, he drew back -- or tried to.
“Don’t let go.” Breccan grabbed his arms above the elbows, stopping him. He pulled Nico into another hug, holding him close enough that he could feel the other’s heartbeat.
“What are you doing?” he muttered. Nico knew beyond a doubt that he should pull away now before he did something stupid. Instead, returned Breccan’s embrace.
Nico took a deep breath and bit his lip in order to keep himself from activating his seduction powers. Breccan needed a friend, not that, no matter how much Nico wanted it. Nico wasn’t going to go there again, not ever. Holding Breccan like this wasn’t a bad thing if the other needed comfort, was it? And that was all this was.
“I -- I need...” Breccan didn’t seem to know how to finish that sentence.
“I’m here,” Nico murmured.
“I’m -- I’m sorry about this. I just...need someone to hold me. Need to...feel cared for. I don’t know...” he trailed off again, the anguish clear in his voice. “I’m all mixed up. Maybe that’s why nobody loves me.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he said.
He would do this little thing for Breccan, and he only wished he could do more.
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“Should you really be drinking coffee this late?” Breccan glanced at Nico’s nearly empty mug of coffee he entered the room he and Nico shared at the small inn.
Nico’s eyes widened to see his friend return so early. “Why aren’t you at the Winter’s End Festival?” he asked.
Breccan’s whole body sagged as he sat on his bed. He stared up at the ceiling, and Nico wondered what had brought him back -- surely he would have wanted to spend more time among the other people celebrating the beginning of springtime.
“It wasn’t any fun,” Breccan murmured.
“You don’t enjoy music? Dancing?” Nico said. If he listened, he could even hear strains of the rollicking music from the inn. People’s voices carried through the air, cheerful and energized, like a wind heralding the coming spring.
“Not when nobody wanted to dance with me,” he sighed, resting his elbows on his knees.
“Nobody?” He raised an eyebrow.
By custom, people asked each other to dance at the festival by presenting prospective partners with a paper flower. If they accepted the flower, they accepted the dance. The children of any given town would make baskets and baskets of papers flowers in a rainbow of shapes and colors, usually attached to slim green stems. These children would go around with the baskets and offer flowers to those old enough to ask someone to dance.
Festival goers kept the flowers they received as tokens -- having many flowers was considered by some a mark of pride. People tended to pair off during these events, giving multiple flowers to the same person or taking turns being the giver or receiver -- some even traded a single paper bloom between them.
“Nobody,” Breccan muttered. “And I was hardly the only man asking other men to dance, or anywhere close to the oldest one there. So that wasn’t it.”
Nico took another sip of coffee and sat down beside him on the bed. His eyes flickered to the yellowish candles burning in the wrought iron candle holder on the wall. Sitting so close to Breccan, he could feel the man’s distress as an almost-physical thing.
“Perhaps -- it wasn’t the right crowd?” Nico murmured.
“It’s been the same everywhere,” Breccan said. “Nobody notices me. Are you sure you...?”
“Of course I did,” he said, gripping his coffee mug harder than necessary.
“I -- I know you did. I’m just -- it doesn’t seem to have made any difference.” Breccan stared at the ground, defeat etched in every line of his body.
Nico sighed. He had put a claim on Breccan in order to protect the man from Nico’s fellow god Egan. Claims prevented anyone other than the claimer from having interest in the target of the claim -- a claimed mortal would be romantically and sexually “invisible” to other mortals. When two gods tried to put a claim on the same mortal, the stronger god would win, with the weaker one still aware of their attraction to the mortal but unable to do anything about it.
As far as protection went, Nico’s claim had worked perfectly -- Egan couldn’t touch Breccan. This protection had come at a price, though -- it had left Breccan alone and unable to experience love. Nico had never acted on his claim, as much as he wished he could. The young man wanted a mortal partner, not one of his corrupt people. Breccan’s loneliness had eventually prompted Nico to kill Egan, despite the terrible consequences for himself. He had thought this would free Breccan to find somebody, since if Egan no longer existed, Nico wouldn’t need to claim him to protect him. It hadn’t worked so far.
“Maybe you just need to give it time?” Nico said, sipping his coffee. He would have to get more soon.
“Give it time -- that’s what they always say, isn’t it? Not even a single dance. I think I’m just unlovable,” Breccan muttered.
“Excuse me?” Nico spluttered, choking on his coffee. It burned his throat, and he winced as he tried to recover.
Breccan shrugged. “Is that really so surprising? How else do you explain why I’ve gotten no attention?”
“You’re -- you’re not unlovable. That’s the last thing I would think about you,” he said, staring at the young man.
Of all the things Breccan might think about himself, that one seemed preposterous to Nico. Unlovable? How could the man be unlovable when Nico loved him? Of course, Breccan wouldn’t take that as any sort of comfort, not after everything that had happened with Egan.
“My own parents didn’t think much of me. I had no romantic encounters before I became a mage. You know all that, so why should I think anything else?” Breccan muttered.
“B-because,” he said.
“That’s not a reason.” Breccan’s eyes filled with tears.
What could Nico do now? His chest tightened as he watched his friend. It seemed like nothing would convince Brecccan he wasn’t unlovable, and Nico had no solution to offer. He just sat there, wishing he weren’t so useless in these matters. It hurt to see him in so much pain, in a way that defied physical description. Nico felt like his soul broke, only he didn’t have a soul.
Sighing, he put his coffee mug down on the night table. Nico caught Breccan’s eyes and, without thinking, wrapped his arms around the man. As soon as he realized what he had done, he drew back -- or tried to.
“Don’t let go.” Breccan grabbed his arms above the elbows, stopping him. He pulled Nico into another hug, holding him close enough that he could feel the other’s heartbeat.
“What are you doing?” he muttered. Nico knew beyond a doubt that he should pull away now before he did something stupid. Instead, returned Breccan’s embrace.
Nico took a deep breath and bit his lip in order to keep himself from activating his seduction powers. Breccan needed a friend, not that, no matter how much Nico wanted it. Nico wasn’t going to go there again, not ever. Holding Breccan like this wasn’t a bad thing if the other needed comfort, was it? And that was all this was.
“I -- I need...” Breccan didn’t seem to know how to finish that sentence.
“I’m here,” Nico murmured.
“I’m -- I’m sorry about this. I just...need someone to hold me. Need to...feel cared for. I don’t know...” he trailed off again, the anguish clear in his voice. “I’m all mixed up. Maybe that’s why nobody loves me.”
“Don’t worry about it,” he said.
He would do this little thing for Breccan, and he only wished he could do more.