I Prefer the Mind Control Rewrite - Chapter 16
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“Dylan, you are incredibly stupid,” Preston muttered, crossing his arms over his chest.
It was Saturday afternoon, and we were in our room, talking things out, or trying to. Preston and I sat on our own beds, him on the edge of his, me kind of backed up against the wall, leaning on it for support. I needed the fucking support, though honestly? Preston needed it more than I did, considering he had been dumped.
Still, all his anger focused on me, a blazing fire of “you suck.” He said, “I don’t know why I even want to talk things out. How stupid do you have to be to invite your new boyfriend over when your ex is your roommate?” Preston rolled his eyes.
“Yeah, that was pretty stupid of me,” I said. I couldn’t quite bring myself to look him in the eye.
:”At least you realize it?” Preston asked, shrugging. “That’s something, I suppose.”
“I suppose,” I murmured. Was it really something? The room filled with a weird fucking emptiness. I didn’t think we could get our friendship back.
“What were you thinking?” he said. His eyes looked pained even as his jaw clenched slightly. Oh yeah, he was still pissed.
It was my turn to shrug. “Um -- I thought you would be out for longer?”
“I got to puke on the guy who beat me. Xan kinda deserved it,” he snorted, shaking his head.
I offered a small smile. “Yeah, he kinda did.”
“If you think he deserves to be puked on, why go out with him?” Preston asked. His voice was quiet. I still felt the anger, though.
I put my head in my heads. “I don’t knooooow,” I moaned. “I swear on your deity of choice, I don’t knooooow.”
“But you are still into him, aren’t you?” he muttered, sounding exasperated. “You have no idea why, but you want him.”
“I do,” I whispered. I didn’t take my head out of my hands. My cheeks burned; it was fucking embarrassing to be so into Xan and not be able to explain it. Even now, he had the mind control on me and, if Preston weren’t right in front of me? My thoughts would certainly focus on Xan. Even with the lust spell, though, I couldn’t say why I wanted the Zimaran Prince. Was I just some shallow gold digger underneath it all? Is that what you think of me, author? Because I’m starting to think that’s all I fucking am.
Dammit, I could have had my best friend. What was so fucking wrong with me that I knew I wouldn’t be satisfied sleeping with just Preston? And I knew I wouldn’t be. I fucking hated myself for it. In that moment? I hated who and how I was.
Before I even realized it, sobs started to shake my body. Huge fucking sobs. I bent my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. Burying my face in my knees, I let the sobs overtake me. I didn’t fucking care if I didn’t deserve to cry so much. It needed to come out.
“I -- I wish wanted you, Preston,” I sobbed.
“I wish you did, too,” he said. “But you don’t. I’m not enough for you.” I could hear the bitterness in his voice, even over my crying.
“You’re not,” I admitted. My chest tightened unbearably when I said that, but it needed to be fucking said.
You can’t just fix me so I could be with Preston, can you? No, you can’t do that? Are you really gonna tell me to accept myself as I am? Are you fucking serious?
Unfortunately, I had to unfold myself because my stupid phone ran. It was Xan, who just had the shiniest timing. Finding a fragment of sense deep within my brain, I muttered, “Hey, Preston. I’m gonna take this one outside” and left the room.
I leaned against the wall next to our door. “Hey, Xan?”
“Dylan? I’m -- sorry to bother you so soon after you left, but I -- I wanted to make sure you were okay,” he said.
“Absolutely fucking excellent,” I muttered. My heart hurt, yet it skipped a beat just to hear Xan’s voice. That only made it hurt worse.
“You’re not doing excellent,” he murmured. Goddamn his fucking concern.
“Fine, I’m not. I told my probably-former best friend how he wasn’t ‘enough’ for me because he’s monogamous and I’m just...not. You have any idea how much that sucks? You have any idea what it’s like to be such a freak?” I asked, my voice shaking.
A long, awkward pause followed. “You’re not a freak, Dylan. Not even close. Who do you think you’re talking to? Most everyone on Zimara isn’t monogamous,” Xan said.
“You’re forgetting I’m -- I’m human,” I muttered. The words stuck in my throat. What did it matter if Xan’s people were like me? I wasn’t one of them.
“Perhaps, but that doesn’t mean the way you are is wrong,” he murmured. “That’s -- part of the reason why I even made my offer was -- I could tell you weren’t happy, weren’t fitting in on Earth. And I really like you.”
If only it would be that fucking easy. “It doesn’t work that way, Xan. I don’t fucking fit in on Earth, but that’s partly my stupid brain’s fault. I can’t run away from my brain, even if I went to Zimara with you.”
“Are you -- are you saying you won’t consider it?” Xan’s voice cracked as he spoke. I could hear the disappointment in it. Wait, did he really think I was going to go with him?
“Xan,” I sighed, “we hardly know each other.” Talking to Preston made me realize, somehow, it wasn’t my planet that was broken, but me. I was fucking broken.
“I understand that, but...” Xan trailed off.
“But -- what, exactly?” I asked, barely managing to get the words out.
“I don’t know,” he said. “All I know is that since I met you, I can’t stop thinking about you. That -- thing with Preston I did? I --” Xan choked on his words. After a long fucking time, he spoke again. “I’ve done that before, when I -- started liking someone. I would push them away like that, but you? You were -- the first time I was able to say sorry about it. The only time I -- cared enough.”
Well, that was a fucking revelation. My breath caught in my throat, and I had no idea how to respond to his words. What did I say to something like that? “Xan, I...”
I could just let myself trail off like an asshole. Sure, that worked. You got any ideas for what to say to such a brain-breaking reveal? No, you got nothing? Are you ever gonna be helpful, like, ever?
“Why?” I finally asked him, the words coming out in this strange pained squeak.
“You -- I can’t say why,” he admitted quietly.
“That makes two of us,” I muttered, “since I can’t say why I can’t stop thinking about you, either.” Didn’t we make a lovely pair?
“Maybe it means there’s something there?” The hope in Xan’s voice made my chest tighten.
“I don’t know,” I almost wailed. “I can’t fucking tell you how much of my feelings are real. My brain is scrambled, okay? I don’t even know what I’m thinking half the time. How else could I have been so fucking stupid as to let you come over here when Preston said he needed space? Maybe I’m just a dumbass.”
Xan sighed. The noise drifted into silence. I stood there, staring at the other side of the hallway, my eyes, and brain, unfocused. Thoughts swirled in my stupid unfocused brain. They were painful and largely incoherent. Did I want Xan only because I knew his lifestyle was more what I wanted? The whole sharing deal? It made sense to me, but it didn’t give me enough reason to go out with someone.
“You’re not ‘just a dumbass’ or anything,” Xan murmured. “You are -- troubled, but -- don’t put yourself down like that, please?” He sounded fucking hurt by my low self-esteem.
“Yeah, I’m definitely fucking troubled,” I said. “And I don’t have any friends, and it’s all my fault. Preston and I can’t really be friends anymore. Like, how can we? And it’s all because I’m too fucking stupid to stick to one lover.”
“Don’t say you’re stupid because of that!” Xan snapped. “Are you saying all my people are ‘stupid’ because we’re not monogamous?” The vehemence in his voice startled me so much I banged my head against the wall and dropped my phone. Once I grabbed the phone, I didn’t bother getting back up. Instead I sat down, still with my back to the wall. I hardly had the energy for standing, anyway.
“Xan, that’s -- that’s not what I meant. I -- I just wished it could have worked with Preston because at least I know why I wanted him. Or should have wanted him,” I stammered.
“And you don’t know why you want me? And I don’t know why I want you,” he sighed. “That’s a problem, isn’t it?”
I felt that fucking weight around my shoulders again, pressing at me. My eyes stung. Was I gonna cry? How much crying had I done recently? Way too much, I knew.
“It’s a problem,” I said. “At least it’s enough of one that I can’t go to Zimara with you.” My voice shook, the words barely coming out. “I -- I wonder if you should even keep the mind control on me. Is it even working if I can feel this bad?”
“The mind control helps settle you, but it -- it doesn’t magically make problems go away. It doesn’t prevent problems in relationships. It just -- increases lust and makes a person more sexually open-minded, to put it simply,” Xan said.
I snorted, “I don’t need help being sexually open-minded. That is not one of my problems.”
Being too “open-minded” is kind of what prevented me from being able to work things out with Preston. Even though I didn’t have that much experience, I knew I liked trying new things and trying new people, or at least having more than one partner for the sake of variety. Having a boyfriend or a girlfriend didn’t change that. Wanting a person who would be my emotional complement or whatever did not shut down my “let’s screw anything pretty” sex drive. I hated that about myself, so much. I couldn’t stop hating myself for that.
“That’s one thing I know I like about you,” Xan said. “You don’t think I’m inexcusably disturbed for my customs, and you were willing to go along with them. Not many people would be so able to do that.” I could almost hear a smile in his voice when he talked about it.
“And you don’t think I’m so weird for wanting to go along with it. And you didn’t mind I was human and all,” I said. That weight around my shoulder lifted a tiny bit. “I -- maybe that’s why I’m so drawn to you. You accept me. You’re, like, willing to give me a chance even though I’m human and nuts. And you’re sweet, even if you’re also an asshole.”
Xan snorted. “Thank you?” he said.
“You’re welcome? It’s kind of a compliment? I mean, you are fucking sweet, and it’s not like I’m immune to assholery myself.” Take my allowing Xan over here in the first place.
Maybe I could have an actual relationship with him for a little while. I knew he would be leaving soon, and I didn’t think I should go with him yet. Still, at least I could put into words a few of the things I liked about Xan. Somehow, that gave me a bit of hope that I wasn’t one hundred percent broken for liking him over Preston.
“Look, I gotta go, Xan,” I said, feeling a knot build in my stomach. I had to explain all this to Preston, and that was gonna be fucking hard.
“Alright,” Xan murmured. “I’m glad I got a chance to talk to you. See you later.”
“Bye, Xan.”
After I hung up, I reentered my room. Preston was lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. I got back onto my bed and leaned against the wall, pulling my legs up to chest. I didn’t look directly at Preston, who seemed not to notice I was even there.
“Hey, Preston,” I said.
“Hey,” he mumbled. I could barely hear him.
“I gotta explain some things, okay? Like, with -- with Xan? I didn’t choose him over you for no reason. It wasn’t just the sex because you and I? Ours was good. You not being ‘enough’ had nothing to do with how ‘good’ you were, okay? But Xan -- well, he accepted me and my ‘sexual personality’ no questions, no having to change. That kind of chemistry and compatibility? It matters.” I took a deep breath, trying to form the rest of my thoughts.
I continued, “But it’s not just the sex with Xan. He -- he cares. It’s, well, it’s a lot like how you cared about me. And he -- he didn’t mind I was human. I enjoy spending time with him. I -- I get excited whenever he’s around. You’re not lacking anything, Preston. It just -- just wasn’t right between us.”
“I see,” Preston said. “Thanks for explaining.” I couldn’t tell anything from the tone of his voice.
I was glad I had explained, though. With my explanation, maybe we could be friends sometime in the future. Even if I couldn’t be with Preston, I did want to be his friend. I guessed only time would tell what would happen with us, but now I had some hope things might be okay.
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written for 500themes prompt #49 - "Gasping Confession"
next chapter
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“Dylan, you are incredibly stupid,” Preston muttered, crossing his arms over his chest.
It was Saturday afternoon, and we were in our room, talking things out, or trying to. Preston and I sat on our own beds, him on the edge of his, me kind of backed up against the wall, leaning on it for support. I needed the fucking support, though honestly? Preston needed it more than I did, considering he had been dumped.
Still, all his anger focused on me, a blazing fire of “you suck.” He said, “I don’t know why I even want to talk things out. How stupid do you have to be to invite your new boyfriend over when your ex is your roommate?” Preston rolled his eyes.
“Yeah, that was pretty stupid of me,” I said. I couldn’t quite bring myself to look him in the eye.
:”At least you realize it?” Preston asked, shrugging. “That’s something, I suppose.”
“I suppose,” I murmured. Was it really something? The room filled with a weird fucking emptiness. I didn’t think we could get our friendship back.
“What were you thinking?” he said. His eyes looked pained even as his jaw clenched slightly. Oh yeah, he was still pissed.
It was my turn to shrug. “Um -- I thought you would be out for longer?”
“I got to puke on the guy who beat me. Xan kinda deserved it,” he snorted, shaking his head.
I offered a small smile. “Yeah, he kinda did.”
“If you think he deserves to be puked on, why go out with him?” Preston asked. His voice was quiet. I still felt the anger, though.
I put my head in my heads. “I don’t knooooow,” I moaned. “I swear on your deity of choice, I don’t knooooow.”
“But you are still into him, aren’t you?” he muttered, sounding exasperated. “You have no idea why, but you want him.”
“I do,” I whispered. I didn’t take my head out of my hands. My cheeks burned; it was fucking embarrassing to be so into Xan and not be able to explain it. Even now, he had the mind control on me and, if Preston weren’t right in front of me? My thoughts would certainly focus on Xan. Even with the lust spell, though, I couldn’t say why I wanted the Zimaran Prince. Was I just some shallow gold digger underneath it all? Is that what you think of me, author? Because I’m starting to think that’s all I fucking am.
Dammit, I could have had my best friend. What was so fucking wrong with me that I knew I wouldn’t be satisfied sleeping with just Preston? And I knew I wouldn’t be. I fucking hated myself for it. In that moment? I hated who and how I was.
Before I even realized it, sobs started to shake my body. Huge fucking sobs. I bent my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. Burying my face in my knees, I let the sobs overtake me. I didn’t fucking care if I didn’t deserve to cry so much. It needed to come out.
“I -- I wish wanted you, Preston,” I sobbed.
“I wish you did, too,” he said. “But you don’t. I’m not enough for you.” I could hear the bitterness in his voice, even over my crying.
“You’re not,” I admitted. My chest tightened unbearably when I said that, but it needed to be fucking said.
You can’t just fix me so I could be with Preston, can you? No, you can’t do that? Are you really gonna tell me to accept myself as I am? Are you fucking serious?
Unfortunately, I had to unfold myself because my stupid phone ran. It was Xan, who just had the shiniest timing. Finding a fragment of sense deep within my brain, I muttered, “Hey, Preston. I’m gonna take this one outside” and left the room.
I leaned against the wall next to our door. “Hey, Xan?”
“Dylan? I’m -- sorry to bother you so soon after you left, but I -- I wanted to make sure you were okay,” he said.
“Absolutely fucking excellent,” I muttered. My heart hurt, yet it skipped a beat just to hear Xan’s voice. That only made it hurt worse.
“You’re not doing excellent,” he murmured. Goddamn his fucking concern.
“Fine, I’m not. I told my probably-former best friend how he wasn’t ‘enough’ for me because he’s monogamous and I’m just...not. You have any idea how much that sucks? You have any idea what it’s like to be such a freak?” I asked, my voice shaking.
A long, awkward pause followed. “You’re not a freak, Dylan. Not even close. Who do you think you’re talking to? Most everyone on Zimara isn’t monogamous,” Xan said.
“You’re forgetting I’m -- I’m human,” I muttered. The words stuck in my throat. What did it matter if Xan’s people were like me? I wasn’t one of them.
“Perhaps, but that doesn’t mean the way you are is wrong,” he murmured. “That’s -- part of the reason why I even made my offer was -- I could tell you weren’t happy, weren’t fitting in on Earth. And I really like you.”
If only it would be that fucking easy. “It doesn’t work that way, Xan. I don’t fucking fit in on Earth, but that’s partly my stupid brain’s fault. I can’t run away from my brain, even if I went to Zimara with you.”
“Are you -- are you saying you won’t consider it?” Xan’s voice cracked as he spoke. I could hear the disappointment in it. Wait, did he really think I was going to go with him?
“Xan,” I sighed, “we hardly know each other.” Talking to Preston made me realize, somehow, it wasn’t my planet that was broken, but me. I was fucking broken.
“I understand that, but...” Xan trailed off.
“But -- what, exactly?” I asked, barely managing to get the words out.
“I don’t know,” he said. “All I know is that since I met you, I can’t stop thinking about you. That -- thing with Preston I did? I --” Xan choked on his words. After a long fucking time, he spoke again. “I’ve done that before, when I -- started liking someone. I would push them away like that, but you? You were -- the first time I was able to say sorry about it. The only time I -- cared enough.”
Well, that was a fucking revelation. My breath caught in my throat, and I had no idea how to respond to his words. What did I say to something like that? “Xan, I...”
I could just let myself trail off like an asshole. Sure, that worked. You got any ideas for what to say to such a brain-breaking reveal? No, you got nothing? Are you ever gonna be helpful, like, ever?
“Why?” I finally asked him, the words coming out in this strange pained squeak.
“You -- I can’t say why,” he admitted quietly.
“That makes two of us,” I muttered, “since I can’t say why I can’t stop thinking about you, either.” Didn’t we make a lovely pair?
“Maybe it means there’s something there?” The hope in Xan’s voice made my chest tighten.
“I don’t know,” I almost wailed. “I can’t fucking tell you how much of my feelings are real. My brain is scrambled, okay? I don’t even know what I’m thinking half the time. How else could I have been so fucking stupid as to let you come over here when Preston said he needed space? Maybe I’m just a dumbass.”
Xan sighed. The noise drifted into silence. I stood there, staring at the other side of the hallway, my eyes, and brain, unfocused. Thoughts swirled in my stupid unfocused brain. They were painful and largely incoherent. Did I want Xan only because I knew his lifestyle was more what I wanted? The whole sharing deal? It made sense to me, but it didn’t give me enough reason to go out with someone.
“You’re not ‘just a dumbass’ or anything,” Xan murmured. “You are -- troubled, but -- don’t put yourself down like that, please?” He sounded fucking hurt by my low self-esteem.
“Yeah, I’m definitely fucking troubled,” I said. “And I don’t have any friends, and it’s all my fault. Preston and I can’t really be friends anymore. Like, how can we? And it’s all because I’m too fucking stupid to stick to one lover.”
“Don’t say you’re stupid because of that!” Xan snapped. “Are you saying all my people are ‘stupid’ because we’re not monogamous?” The vehemence in his voice startled me so much I banged my head against the wall and dropped my phone. Once I grabbed the phone, I didn’t bother getting back up. Instead I sat down, still with my back to the wall. I hardly had the energy for standing, anyway.
“Xan, that’s -- that’s not what I meant. I -- I just wished it could have worked with Preston because at least I know why I wanted him. Or should have wanted him,” I stammered.
“And you don’t know why you want me? And I don’t know why I want you,” he sighed. “That’s a problem, isn’t it?”
I felt that fucking weight around my shoulders again, pressing at me. My eyes stung. Was I gonna cry? How much crying had I done recently? Way too much, I knew.
“It’s a problem,” I said. “At least it’s enough of one that I can’t go to Zimara with you.” My voice shook, the words barely coming out. “I -- I wonder if you should even keep the mind control on me. Is it even working if I can feel this bad?”
“The mind control helps settle you, but it -- it doesn’t magically make problems go away. It doesn’t prevent problems in relationships. It just -- increases lust and makes a person more sexually open-minded, to put it simply,” Xan said.
I snorted, “I don’t need help being sexually open-minded. That is not one of my problems.”
Being too “open-minded” is kind of what prevented me from being able to work things out with Preston. Even though I didn’t have that much experience, I knew I liked trying new things and trying new people, or at least having more than one partner for the sake of variety. Having a boyfriend or a girlfriend didn’t change that. Wanting a person who would be my emotional complement or whatever did not shut down my “let’s screw anything pretty” sex drive. I hated that about myself, so much. I couldn’t stop hating myself for that.
“That’s one thing I know I like about you,” Xan said. “You don’t think I’m inexcusably disturbed for my customs, and you were willing to go along with them. Not many people would be so able to do that.” I could almost hear a smile in his voice when he talked about it.
“And you don’t think I’m so weird for wanting to go along with it. And you didn’t mind I was human and all,” I said. That weight around my shoulder lifted a tiny bit. “I -- maybe that’s why I’m so drawn to you. You accept me. You’re, like, willing to give me a chance even though I’m human and nuts. And you’re sweet, even if you’re also an asshole.”
Xan snorted. “Thank you?” he said.
“You’re welcome? It’s kind of a compliment? I mean, you are fucking sweet, and it’s not like I’m immune to assholery myself.” Take my allowing Xan over here in the first place.
Maybe I could have an actual relationship with him for a little while. I knew he would be leaving soon, and I didn’t think I should go with him yet. Still, at least I could put into words a few of the things I liked about Xan. Somehow, that gave me a bit of hope that I wasn’t one hundred percent broken for liking him over Preston.
“Look, I gotta go, Xan,” I said, feeling a knot build in my stomach. I had to explain all this to Preston, and that was gonna be fucking hard.
“Alright,” Xan murmured. “I’m glad I got a chance to talk to you. See you later.”
“Bye, Xan.”
After I hung up, I reentered my room. Preston was lying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. I got back onto my bed and leaned against the wall, pulling my legs up to chest. I didn’t look directly at Preston, who seemed not to notice I was even there.
“Hey, Preston,” I said.
“Hey,” he mumbled. I could barely hear him.
“I gotta explain some things, okay? Like, with -- with Xan? I didn’t choose him over you for no reason. It wasn’t just the sex because you and I? Ours was good. You not being ‘enough’ had nothing to do with how ‘good’ you were, okay? But Xan -- well, he accepted me and my ‘sexual personality’ no questions, no having to change. That kind of chemistry and compatibility? It matters.” I took a deep breath, trying to form the rest of my thoughts.
I continued, “But it’s not just the sex with Xan. He -- he cares. It’s, well, it’s a lot like how you cared about me. And he -- he didn’t mind I was human. I enjoy spending time with him. I -- I get excited whenever he’s around. You’re not lacking anything, Preston. It just -- just wasn’t right between us.”
“I see,” Preston said. “Thanks for explaining.” I couldn’t tell anything from the tone of his voice.
I was glad I had explained, though. With my explanation, maybe we could be friends sometime in the future. Even if I couldn’t be with Preston, I did want to be his friend. I guessed only time would tell what would happen with us, but now I had some hope things might be okay.
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written for 500themes prompt #49 - "Gasping Confession"
next chapter