Urban Phenomena - # 1
Good Evening, kind people, to the first in what i hope to be a long range of Interpretations of Urban Phenomenon! I am your host The Fantastic Mr Pink, and Welcome to my encyclopedia. Buckle up as we prepare to don the guise of common street people and discover what it is like....to live in our world.....
# 1 STOPPING DEAD #1
The Art of Stopping Dead -
Stopping dead is a past-time most enjoyed by the elderly, the infirm or the extremely annoying.
It is known throughout the land to anyone who has ever walked down a busy street or through a busy shopping mall.
It should only be performed by those who have been trained extensively to prevent bodily harm to both those involved in the act and the would be intended victims.
I also should only be performed when one is in front of a large group of people and when one's arms are filled with a range of objects. Pushing a pram or buggie is a greatly appreciated and respected maneuvere in the industry, therefore always a bonus.
Stopping dead has been transformed into an artform by the grandmothers of Glasgow who, in their incessant sauntering around with no aim, will proceed to know somehow exactly when a person is walking behind them and unable to stop before halting suddenly. It can be seen on many an occasion throughout one of the participants most well known haunts - the Forge Shopping Centre.
Do not be fooled by the innocent features and the harmless sounding cluckings of these OAP hens. They will secretly (and maliciously) plan and plot their chances to spring into action at the last details. Often will they wait in the shadows of the corridors before converging into the middle will such parafernalia as trollies, bags, wheelchairs and even a glaikit looking relative.
Scientists are still experimenting to discover if they share some kind of psychic link when released into the wild which allows them to communicate without the knowledge of the public.
There are many symptoms to which one may become aware to avoid these devastating occurences. Should your OAP become more slow, as appearing to talk more or browse something nearby, and proceed to try to manouvere your person as if deliberately (and do not be fooled by the apparant "off balanced stagger") - then one should be aware that you are in the presence of a master. Look out for this in anyone who should walk into your path.
Additionally, when converging, many such excuses your OAP may use are:
I knew you when you were young.
I knew you during the war.
I met you in the bingo last week.
# 1 STOPPING DEAD #1
Thank you for listening, kind people, and i do hope you will tune in again. From all of us here....I am Mr Pink and this is........Goodnight xxx