A Woman Undone: Part 64/?
Greetings Gals! So on this lovely Friday evening (Saturday to some), I am posting the next part to AWU. I must say that I really liked your reactions to the last update, even though it was incredibly evil of me. What can I say? I guess death threats and the like are appealing to me...lol. I'm a sicko...LOL! Anywho, hope all is well in everyone's corners of the world. Let the next AWU meeting commence....
Part 64
Olivia walked slowly down the hallway leading to her front door. Her feet dragged with every step, and her shoulders drooped lower and lower the further she walked. She actually dreaded coming home tonight simply because her apartment was now a reminder of Alex and her betrayal, if it could even be called that. That was the strangest part of it all and was what confused Olivia the most. Could it really be called a betrayal? Was Olivia really betrayed or was it Richard who was betrayed or was it either of them? Alex never really had promised Olivia her heart, or anything for that matter, so for Olivia to have been betrayed it would require that she have a claim to Alex, when in reality she had none. It was all very complicated - a relationship that had become quite convoluted - but so is the nature of love, Olivia supposed.
As she walked further and further down the hall, she wondered if Alex would still be at her apartment, especially since she’d given her such strict instructions to be gone when she came back, and she’d definitely been gone long enough to give her time enough to leave. As Olivia’s final steps brought her to her front door, she slowly inserted the key into the lock and turned it. Her apartment was dark save for a small lamp on a nearby table, but it shed enough light for her to be able to see the outline of Alex’s body, curled up on her side, asleep on the couch. Olivia let out a sigh and quietly shut the door behind her. A part of her was glad to see Alex there, but the other part of her was livid that she hadn’t listened to her and hadn’t gone like she’d been told. Olivia stood by the door and just stared at Alex’s sleeping form. Even when she slept she didn’t look completely at ease, like her mind was still racing in her dreams, even though she was fast asleep. Was she ever at peace? Was her mind ever at peace with herself? Olivia didn’t think so, and despite her anger it still saddened her to some degree.
The emotional roller coaster she’d been put on tonight was so overwhelming, and being back in her apartment again, seeing Alex asleep on her couch, only added to the confusion. The funny thing was that Olivia didn’t have to be there. She didn’t have to be there watching Alex sleep. She could have been somewhere else, with someone else, doing something else. But she wasn’t. She was there, with her.
“Hi, I’m Olivia.”
“I’m Michelle,” the woman said as she sat down next to her. “May I join you?”
“The seat’s empty, isn’t it?” Olivia answered, not meaning to sound so rude but making no apologies for her remark either.
Michelle simply smiled as she set her drink down and turned in her seat to face the detective. “I guess that’s what I get for being polite in a bar,” she quipped.
Olivia suddenly jerked her head up at the woman with slight embarrassment on her face. “Sorry, it’s just…”
“Rough night?” the woman asked with a knowing smile.
“Yeah, very.”
“Well, that’s what these are for,” she said as she lifted her glass and took a long sip, “But I see that you’re not drinking.”
“Uh, no,” Olivia answered as she looked at the empty counter in front of her. “I guess alcohol wasn’t the way I wanted to deal with things tonight.”
Michelle flashed a rather demure smile, understanding her meaning exactly, but making no gestures to take her up on her offer. Instead, she took another sip of her drink and set the glass down on the counter in front of her before turning to look at the brunette directly in the eyes.
“Well, Olivia, how do you want to deal with things tonight?”
Olivia was taken aback by the sudden straightforwardness of the stranger in the bar. She was sure the shock registered on her face because the woman stifled a small laugh from escaping her lips as she sat there and continued to stare at her, waiting for an answer.
“I uh…”
“Yes?”
“I was thinking, uh, something a little harder than what you’ve got in your glass there,” Olivia answered as she lifted her chin up a notch towards the drink the woman had in front of her.
“Something a little harder?” Michelle asked, emphasizing the last word.
Olivia smiled, liking the banter going on between them. “Yeah, I was thinking…”
“Sex on the beach?”
Olivia laughed. “More like an orgasm.”
“Oh, I’m a definite fan of the orgasm,” Michelle said with a smile.
“Aren’t we all?”
“Although, I don’t know,” the blond said as she reconsidered her position. “The velvet hammer has always been a favorite of mine too.”
“Even more than the orgasm?”
“Well, that depends on who’s giving it to me,” she answered, cocking her head slightly to the side and staring at Olivia with a pair of blue eyes that just radiated sexuality.
Olivia smiled at her bashfully and bent her head slightly while she rubbed the back of her neck. “I bet I could serve you a pretty good one,” she said confidently.
“I have no doubts,” Michelle answered, her eyes never leaving Olivia’s.
The blond sat back in her seat with a smug smile spread across her lips. Olivia couldn’t help but admire the seductive way her lips curled at the ends and the way her eyes squinted slightly as she sat there staring at her, trying to read her and figure her out. Olivia would be lying if she said that she wasn’t attracted to her and that the idea of going home with her wasn’t appealing. But as she watched the blond twirl the empty glass between her fingers and stare at her seductively, she was suddenly reminded of that very first night that she met Alex. They were sitting at a bar similar to this one, Alex, the blond, smiling coyly and showing a great deal of interest in the brunette; Olivia reacting much the same way that she was tonight; Olivia taking the blond home with her for what was supposed to be a one time fuck and nothing else. But tonight, Olivia couldn’t take this new blond home with her. She couldn’t take her because another blond was already there, settling in her home and even more so in her heart.
Michelle watched Olivia study her. She could see the wheels turning in her head as she sat in front of her, and as they did she could see the expression on Olivia’s face completely change from fun and flirtatious to serious and sad. She didn’t know the reason for the change, but that wasn’t important. Olivia’s mind had wondered elsewhere and was no longer with her at the bar.
“Michelle, I…”
“I know,” she interrupted. “Go home, Olivia. I know this isn’t where you want to be,” she said calmly and with understanding in her voice.
Olivia grimaced at her words, not because she was being given the brush off, but because she was being given the truth. She needed to go home. Sitting here in a bar, picking up a perfect stranger for no other purpose than to fuck her, wasn’t exactly the best way to go about solving her problems with Alex. And she knew that. It had always been her habit, the habit she turned to when things went horribly wrong in her life. The night that Jessica had broken her heart, she raced to this same bar and in less than an hour she was in some woman’s apartment, fucking her aggressively up against her front door. It didn’t solve anything that night, and it wouldn’t solve anything tonight.
“Thanks, Michelle,” Olivia said sincerely as she stood up from her seat. “Thanks.”
The two of them nodded their heads towards each other before Olivia left the bar and quickly walked out into the night air. Even though she wasn’t drunk, even though she was alone, Olivia felt calmer than she ever had on any other night similar to this one. She’d always felt so disappointed in herself the next morning after her encounters with nameless strangers, but tonight she knew that that disappointment wouldn’t be there the next day - at least not the same kind of disappointment. Tonight was different. Tonight she was different. And she could only attribute it to one woman who had seeped into her life and into her heart and mind.
Olivia turned up the street and slowly made her way through the night back to her building as her mind tried to sort out the details of the evening. Before she knew it, she was back at her apartment, wondering if Alex would still be there.
Olivia walked over to the couch where Alex lay sleeping and sat down beside her, making sure not to wake her up. Alex didn’t even move slightly; she seemed dead to the world. Olivia looked at her, admiring the contours of her face as the light from the table cast a shadow across her body. She leaned her elbows on her knees as she folded her hands together and stared down at the ground, her mind racing with all the things she wanted to say and do and all the things she should say and do. Finally, she took a deep breath before she began speaking quietly - to Alex, to the night, to herself even.
“Maybe it’s a good thing that you’re asleep right now. It makes it easier to say to you what I need to say even though you might not hear it, or I don’t know, maybe you will.”
Olivia touched Alex’s cheek just soft enough so as not to wake her up as she continued whispering beside her.
“Alex, I love you, but maybe telling you that I love you is confusing everything for you even more. You know, I never wanted to be something that you had to choose, something that you had to weigh the good against the bad. I just wanted you to see the good, but now I’m realizing that that’s so unrealistic.”
Alex stirred a little, but her eyes remained closed and her breathing steady. Olivia paused and took another deep breath before continuing, like a stream of consciousness. “I see so much good in you, Alex. I see this amazing woman who I want to be with more than anything, and when she looks back at me I swear she wants to be with me too, but then something like tonight happens, and it wipes all of that away. What happened between you and Richard hurt me so much. I didn’t want to admit that it did - that I was that invested in you, but I can’t ignore it. I’m trying so hard to understand why it happened, you know? I don’t…I know you still love him, and I wish I could say that I knew why you loved him, but I know that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I don’t know if sharing you is working out for me anymore, or if it’s even working out for you anymore.”
Olivia sighed quietly as she clenched her jaw and tightened her throat muscles, trying to prevent any tears from escaping her eyes. But she failed. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that a million chances and forever turned out to be too much and too long.”
She looked down at the ground again before staring intently at Alex’s face, speaking to her even though her eyes were closed. “I don’t want to lose you, Alex, but I don’t know how to keep you either. Right now you and I are on other sides of the world and I don’t know if we’ll ever be…” Olivia paused and wiped a tear that had made its way down her cheek. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be what you want. I know I could be everything that you need, but your wants and your needs right now aren’t one and the same. And that’s okay. It just means that you have to let one of us go.”
Olivia suddenly laughed quietly to herself as she closed her eyes and shook her head. “I don’t even know why I’m saying all of this to you. You’re asleep, and I know when you’re asleep you’re dead and deaf to the world.” Olivia smirked and shook her head again before she stood up from the couch and walked towards her bedroom. Halfway there, she stopped and turned around, the lamp providing just enough light to see the solemn look on her face and the single tear that rolled down her cheek, following the path of the one before.
“Goodnight, Alex,” she whispered. “I’ll always love you.”
Olivia walked to her bedroom and quietly shut the door. As it clicked into place, Alex opened her eyes, and in the soft glow of the light, a single tear released itself and fell gently down her face.
Part 64
Olivia walked slowly down the hallway leading to her front door. Her feet dragged with every step, and her shoulders drooped lower and lower the further she walked. She actually dreaded coming home tonight simply because her apartment was now a reminder of Alex and her betrayal, if it could even be called that. That was the strangest part of it all and was what confused Olivia the most. Could it really be called a betrayal? Was Olivia really betrayed or was it Richard who was betrayed or was it either of them? Alex never really had promised Olivia her heart, or anything for that matter, so for Olivia to have been betrayed it would require that she have a claim to Alex, when in reality she had none. It was all very complicated - a relationship that had become quite convoluted - but so is the nature of love, Olivia supposed.
As she walked further and further down the hall, she wondered if Alex would still be at her apartment, especially since she’d given her such strict instructions to be gone when she came back, and she’d definitely been gone long enough to give her time enough to leave. As Olivia’s final steps brought her to her front door, she slowly inserted the key into the lock and turned it. Her apartment was dark save for a small lamp on a nearby table, but it shed enough light for her to be able to see the outline of Alex’s body, curled up on her side, asleep on the couch. Olivia let out a sigh and quietly shut the door behind her. A part of her was glad to see Alex there, but the other part of her was livid that she hadn’t listened to her and hadn’t gone like she’d been told. Olivia stood by the door and just stared at Alex’s sleeping form. Even when she slept she didn’t look completely at ease, like her mind was still racing in her dreams, even though she was fast asleep. Was she ever at peace? Was her mind ever at peace with herself? Olivia didn’t think so, and despite her anger it still saddened her to some degree.
The emotional roller coaster she’d been put on tonight was so overwhelming, and being back in her apartment again, seeing Alex asleep on her couch, only added to the confusion. The funny thing was that Olivia didn’t have to be there. She didn’t have to be there watching Alex sleep. She could have been somewhere else, with someone else, doing something else. But she wasn’t. She was there, with her.
“Hi, I’m Olivia.”
“I’m Michelle,” the woman said as she sat down next to her. “May I join you?”
“The seat’s empty, isn’t it?” Olivia answered, not meaning to sound so rude but making no apologies for her remark either.
Michelle simply smiled as she set her drink down and turned in her seat to face the detective. “I guess that’s what I get for being polite in a bar,” she quipped.
Olivia suddenly jerked her head up at the woman with slight embarrassment on her face. “Sorry, it’s just…”
“Rough night?” the woman asked with a knowing smile.
“Yeah, very.”
“Well, that’s what these are for,” she said as she lifted her glass and took a long sip, “But I see that you’re not drinking.”
“Uh, no,” Olivia answered as she looked at the empty counter in front of her. “I guess alcohol wasn’t the way I wanted to deal with things tonight.”
Michelle flashed a rather demure smile, understanding her meaning exactly, but making no gestures to take her up on her offer. Instead, she took another sip of her drink and set the glass down on the counter in front of her before turning to look at the brunette directly in the eyes.
“Well, Olivia, how do you want to deal with things tonight?”
Olivia was taken aback by the sudden straightforwardness of the stranger in the bar. She was sure the shock registered on her face because the woman stifled a small laugh from escaping her lips as she sat there and continued to stare at her, waiting for an answer.
“I uh…”
“Yes?”
“I was thinking, uh, something a little harder than what you’ve got in your glass there,” Olivia answered as she lifted her chin up a notch towards the drink the woman had in front of her.
“Something a little harder?” Michelle asked, emphasizing the last word.
Olivia smiled, liking the banter going on between them. “Yeah, I was thinking…”
“Sex on the beach?”
Olivia laughed. “More like an orgasm.”
“Oh, I’m a definite fan of the orgasm,” Michelle said with a smile.
“Aren’t we all?”
“Although, I don’t know,” the blond said as she reconsidered her position. “The velvet hammer has always been a favorite of mine too.”
“Even more than the orgasm?”
“Well, that depends on who’s giving it to me,” she answered, cocking her head slightly to the side and staring at Olivia with a pair of blue eyes that just radiated sexuality.
Olivia smiled at her bashfully and bent her head slightly while she rubbed the back of her neck. “I bet I could serve you a pretty good one,” she said confidently.
“I have no doubts,” Michelle answered, her eyes never leaving Olivia’s.
The blond sat back in her seat with a smug smile spread across her lips. Olivia couldn’t help but admire the seductive way her lips curled at the ends and the way her eyes squinted slightly as she sat there staring at her, trying to read her and figure her out. Olivia would be lying if she said that she wasn’t attracted to her and that the idea of going home with her wasn’t appealing. But as she watched the blond twirl the empty glass between her fingers and stare at her seductively, she was suddenly reminded of that very first night that she met Alex. They were sitting at a bar similar to this one, Alex, the blond, smiling coyly and showing a great deal of interest in the brunette; Olivia reacting much the same way that she was tonight; Olivia taking the blond home with her for what was supposed to be a one time fuck and nothing else. But tonight, Olivia couldn’t take this new blond home with her. She couldn’t take her because another blond was already there, settling in her home and even more so in her heart.
Michelle watched Olivia study her. She could see the wheels turning in her head as she sat in front of her, and as they did she could see the expression on Olivia’s face completely change from fun and flirtatious to serious and sad. She didn’t know the reason for the change, but that wasn’t important. Olivia’s mind had wondered elsewhere and was no longer with her at the bar.
“Michelle, I…”
“I know,” she interrupted. “Go home, Olivia. I know this isn’t where you want to be,” she said calmly and with understanding in her voice.
Olivia grimaced at her words, not because she was being given the brush off, but because she was being given the truth. She needed to go home. Sitting here in a bar, picking up a perfect stranger for no other purpose than to fuck her, wasn’t exactly the best way to go about solving her problems with Alex. And she knew that. It had always been her habit, the habit she turned to when things went horribly wrong in her life. The night that Jessica had broken her heart, she raced to this same bar and in less than an hour she was in some woman’s apartment, fucking her aggressively up against her front door. It didn’t solve anything that night, and it wouldn’t solve anything tonight.
“Thanks, Michelle,” Olivia said sincerely as she stood up from her seat. “Thanks.”
The two of them nodded their heads towards each other before Olivia left the bar and quickly walked out into the night air. Even though she wasn’t drunk, even though she was alone, Olivia felt calmer than she ever had on any other night similar to this one. She’d always felt so disappointed in herself the next morning after her encounters with nameless strangers, but tonight she knew that that disappointment wouldn’t be there the next day - at least not the same kind of disappointment. Tonight was different. Tonight she was different. And she could only attribute it to one woman who had seeped into her life and into her heart and mind.
Olivia turned up the street and slowly made her way through the night back to her building as her mind tried to sort out the details of the evening. Before she knew it, she was back at her apartment, wondering if Alex would still be there.
Olivia walked over to the couch where Alex lay sleeping and sat down beside her, making sure not to wake her up. Alex didn’t even move slightly; she seemed dead to the world. Olivia looked at her, admiring the contours of her face as the light from the table cast a shadow across her body. She leaned her elbows on her knees as she folded her hands together and stared down at the ground, her mind racing with all the things she wanted to say and do and all the things she should say and do. Finally, she took a deep breath before she began speaking quietly - to Alex, to the night, to herself even.
“Maybe it’s a good thing that you’re asleep right now. It makes it easier to say to you what I need to say even though you might not hear it, or I don’t know, maybe you will.”
Olivia touched Alex’s cheek just soft enough so as not to wake her up as she continued whispering beside her.
“Alex, I love you, but maybe telling you that I love you is confusing everything for you even more. You know, I never wanted to be something that you had to choose, something that you had to weigh the good against the bad. I just wanted you to see the good, but now I’m realizing that that’s so unrealistic.”
Alex stirred a little, but her eyes remained closed and her breathing steady. Olivia paused and took another deep breath before continuing, like a stream of consciousness. “I see so much good in you, Alex. I see this amazing woman who I want to be with more than anything, and when she looks back at me I swear she wants to be with me too, but then something like tonight happens, and it wipes all of that away. What happened between you and Richard hurt me so much. I didn’t want to admit that it did - that I was that invested in you, but I can’t ignore it. I’m trying so hard to understand why it happened, you know? I don’t…I know you still love him, and I wish I could say that I knew why you loved him, but I know that doesn’t matter. What matters is that I don’t know if sharing you is working out for me anymore, or if it’s even working out for you anymore.”
Olivia sighed quietly as she clenched her jaw and tightened her throat muscles, trying to prevent any tears from escaping her eyes. But she failed. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that a million chances and forever turned out to be too much and too long.”
She looked down at the ground again before staring intently at Alex’s face, speaking to her even though her eyes were closed. “I don’t want to lose you, Alex, but I don’t know how to keep you either. Right now you and I are on other sides of the world and I don’t know if we’ll ever be…” Olivia paused and wiped a tear that had made its way down her cheek. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be what you want. I know I could be everything that you need, but your wants and your needs right now aren’t one and the same. And that’s okay. It just means that you have to let one of us go.”
Olivia suddenly laughed quietly to herself as she closed her eyes and shook her head. “I don’t even know why I’m saying all of this to you. You’re asleep, and I know when you’re asleep you’re dead and deaf to the world.” Olivia smirked and shook her head again before she stood up from the couch and walked towards her bedroom. Halfway there, she stopped and turned around, the lamp providing just enough light to see the solemn look on her face and the single tear that rolled down her cheek, following the path of the one before.
“Goodnight, Alex,” she whispered. “I’ll always love you.”
Olivia walked to her bedroom and quietly shut the door. As it clicked into place, Alex opened her eyes, and in the soft glow of the light, a single tear released itself and fell gently down her face.