A Woman Undone: Part 29/?
Hello to all my sexy ladies! It feels so good to be back! I've missed you all something terrible. I had no fun studying for finals, but as soon as the most difficult ones were over, I was back at my computer typing away. So here is the next update to my story. I dedicate this part to novak_svuaddict because after reading this part, I think everyone is going to want to use her FedEx phrase. I also give a shout out to Trini for her awesome FedEx icons! Those are classic and hilarious! After being gone for a few days, I just have to tell you how much I enjoy talking to you all. It really brightens up my day that I can offer you some entertainment and that you offer me your comments and opinions. Thank you, everybody! It feels good to be back...
Part 29
“If you want something bad enough, it’s never impossible.” How many times was she going to hear that in a twenty-four hour period? So far in the last six hours or so she’d heard it twice: once from the cabdriver and once from Alex, although it had significantly more meaning coming from Alex, obviously.
Everyone who knew Olivia knew that she was stubborn. Sometimes, it’s what made her a great cop, but other times it’s what made her have difficulty in her more personal relationships. With her involvement with Alex, the latter was definitely true.
She had given her all to Alex. She had left herself open and vulnerable to a woman who she couldn’t help but fall in love with. She had done everything she could to win her heart, but her attempts weren’t brought to fruition soon enough. By the time Alex had admitted that she wanted something other than a successful career, Olivia had sealed herself off and had decided that enough was enough - the pain and anger she felt over the situation was no longer worth the chance that they might come together. Olivia had made her decision, and in doing so she made Alex’s decision as well.
Alex hailed a cab outside of Olivia’s building. Her head was spinning after having been rushed through the last several minutes of her life. She didn’t really understand how everything had happened, and how it had happened so quickly. Did Olivia just break up with her? Were they ever even together to begin with? Alex had to suppose not to the second question, which led her to suppose not to the first question as well, and yet her confusion still resounded heavily in her mind.
When a taxi pulled up to the curb, Alex quickly threw her bag on the seat and sat down beside it. Before the driver could ask where her destination was, Alex pulled out her wallet from her purse and handed him three twenty dollars bills. “Just drive anywhere,” she instructed. “Just drive until the meter hits sixty bucks.” He looked at her like she had lost her mind, but he didn’t hesitate to take her money. Following her orders, he pulled out into traffic and began their drive around the city.
Alex sat back and closed her eyes. She didn’t want to go back to her apartment. That she was certain. There was something so calming about sitting there in the backseat, letting someone else worry about the world outside. Some of her best thinking had been done during cab rides to various places. She’d think about her job or specific cases, or she’d think about Richard and her future, but never once had she ever thought about how she’d fallen in love with a woman. Had she fallen in love with Olivia? Was that what had happened? Alex remembered saying the words once when she was asleep in her own bed, and then, as if struck by a lightning bolt, she remembered having said them in her sleep again last night only this time Olivia had been there. Even if she tried to deny it, she knew that she couldn’t. Her subconscious had spoken for her. And Olivia had heard.
As the meter climbed towards the sixty-dollar mark, Alex’s mind wasn’t getting any clearer. She was thankful, though, that when she would finally go home, Richard wouldn’t be there. The thing was, Richard wasn’t a bad man. Yeah, he was a little arrogant sometimes and could be an ass, but overall, Alex knew that he was a decent guy. He treated her extremely well, he loved her, he respected her, he stood up for her, he knew her inside and out. They’d known each other for a long time, and they had always had an understanding of one another. He was right when he had questioned if she really wanted to start from the beginning with someone new. Suddenly Alex remembered that she had left his letter on Olivia’s dining room table. It amazed her that a piece of paper like that could cause the blowup that occurred between her and the detective. It seemed like such a small thing, but as she thought back to Richard’s words and her own reactions to them, she could understand why Olivia was so confused and why for her, enough was enough.
“The meter’s about to hit sixty. Do you want to be dropped off around here?” the cabdriver asked, interrupting Alex’s train of thought.
She looked out the window and realized that they were nowhere near her apartment. She gave him her address and told him that she’d pay the remaining fare when she arrived. The man smiled and changed lanes to head towards where she lived. Alex closed her eyes, and before she knew it, her sixty-dollar cab ride had turned to eighty and she was standing on the sidewalk staring up at the ninth floor of the building where she lived. As the cab drove away, Alex noticed that a light by one of her windows was turned on. She figured Olivia must have left it on when she was there last night. For the first time, it clicked in her mind that Olivia had been inside her apartment - that she had seen where she lived. It wasn’t a momentous occasion or anything, but Alex still panicked as she remembered how messy her place was, most of all her bedroom. It was rather embarrassing for her to know that the detective had seen the unmade bed and the clothes scattered on the floor, but she supposed Olivia hadn’t guessed the reason for the disarray of her room, especially of her bedding.
Alex took the elevator to her floor and slowly sauntered down the hallway towards her front door. The bag hanging from her shoulder only had a few of her belongings in it, but with the weight of everything that had happened this morning, it felt like a million pounds. She unlocked the door and carried her things towards the bedroom. She figured it was a good idea to clean the place up a bit before the week started and before Richard came back.
As if he knew she was thinking his name, Richard appeared from the kitchen behind her. To say the least, Alex was extremely shocked to see him, but she was slightly subtler in her disappointment than she had been in the past.
“Richard, you’re here,” she said as more of a question than a statement.
Her fiancé, as he technically was, though she hated to admit, was surprised at her reaction and let out a small humored laugh.
“I know,” he said nodding and holding up his hand, his way of informing her that he understood her response. “I said I wasn’t going to be here, but…” Richard didn’t finish his sentence and let out a deep sigh instead.
He took a few steps towards her, closing the distance between them, and looked her up and down. Even as disheveled as she looked, Richard still thought her the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her dazzling blue eyes couldn’t help but sparkle even when she was angry or sad. Her smile, her laugh, even her frown were enough to bend him to his knees and give her anything she could ever ask of him. The way she kept her composure, even under distress, was a true signifier of the strong person she was. But even though her appearance was tough and distinguished to everyone else, he knew better. He knew that her sensibilities were delicate and not as controlled as she presented them to be, though this took nothing away from her strength as the woman he loved.
“Alex, sweetie,” Richard calmly said as he tucked a piece of hair behind her ears and held her face in his hand. “I want to talk to you.”
Alex was almost afraid to look at him, and she was even more afraid to hear what he had to say. She thought his letter had said all that there was to say, but he seemed to have more.
He led her to the couch and sat her down. He sat on the coffee table in front of her, her knees between his, her hands inside his hands.
“I know you got my letter,” he began, “although I don’t see it anywhere.”
Alex panicked for a moment, praying he wouldn’t ask her where it was. Before giving him the opportunity to, she spoke up. “Yeah, I got it. Thank you,” she said nervously.
Richard furrowed his brows for a brief second, taken aback by her fidgeting and her nervous darting eyes. But he continued anyway. “I didn’t hear anything from you after I sent it - not a call, not an email. Nothing. So I rushed back here to save something that I think is falling away from me.”
“Richard, I…”
“Alex, please,” he said. “Just let me say what I have to say, okay?”
Alex nodded her head and kept quiet.
“Everything that was said in that letter…I meant every word of it. It wasn’t written as an impulse or as a desperate attempt to be romantic and to get you back.” He took a deep breath before going on. “I think that someone has come between us, and I don’t know who it could be, but it doesn’t matter. I want to move on from it. And I want you to as well.” Richard leaned forward until he was uncomfortably close to Alex’s face, and staring deep into her eyes, he said with complete earnestness, “I will not lose you to this other person. You know me. I don’t lose. I didn’t get where I am today by losing, and I will not lose you, Alexandra. If you make me go up against this person, I’ll win. I’ll win every single time because I have the advantage. And do you know what that advantage is?” he asked her.
Alex shook her head and swallowed as she tried to hide her alarm at what was being said.
Richard smiled and squeezed her hand tightly before telling her the answer. “You’re already with me, Alex. That’s the advantage. You’re already mine, which means that I’m miles ahead of this other guy. He’s got a lot of catching up to do to even come close to me.”
Alex had no words to say. She had no idea in her head how to respond to his solemnity and the gravity of what he was saying. Richard could tell she was speechless, and fearing that he had been too harsh and too straightforward, he eased up a bit. Leaning back to give her some space, he kissed the top of her hand, and with a charming look on his face he decided to go in a different direction.
“Tell me what you want, baby. Ask me anything and it’s yours. Ask me for a star, and I pull one down for you. Ask me for the moon, and I’ll lasso it down from the sky. Ask me for a seat, and every door in DC will be open for you. Ask me for my heart…it’s already yours.” Richard stopped and lifted Alex’s chin with his finger so that they were looking directly at each other. “I promise, Alex, I promise to take care of you. Not in the 1950’s housewife sense, but in the partners-in-love-and-life sense. I think you still want the things we started out wanting together. I think that’s still a part of you. I think it will always be a part of you. So let me help you get there, Alex. Let me love you. Let yourself be loved, you know. Don’t close yourself off to me because you’re afraid of being hurt. I’m never going to hurt you. Ever.”
Richard brushed Alex’s cheek with his thumb just like Olivia had done the night before. Whereas before she would have imagined it was the detective touching her like that, this time she stayed focused on Richard. Whereas before she would have closed her eyes to mentally shrink away from his touch, this time she found herself unable to move away from it. Something in Richard’s tone, the expression on his face, the words that he spoke, paralyzed her. She couldn’t tell if it was defeat that she was feeling or if it was fear. Perhaps it was the overwhelming honesty of his intentions that stunned her so much. Maybe it was the fact that decisions had already been made for her, both Olivia’s and Richard’s. Olivia didn’t want her, and Richard did. The choice was already made. All she had to do was follow it.
“And what about the job offer in Washington?” she asked.
“Forget that job. If you’re not ready to move, if you’re not ready to take that step, then that job is out of the picture,” he responded reassuringly. “You and I will build this life together - that means both of us on the same side fighting for the same things. I love you, Alex, and there’s no way that I would ever make you do something that you don’t want to do.”
Alex couldn’t help her doubts about this point. He seemed so ready to move to DC as if he’d already accepted the job opening without even consulting her. But he was right. They could build a life together that could promise her everything she had wanted for so long. And that was something that she couldn’t so easily overlook. She needed that influence to sway her decision, and it did. In a moment of desperate rationality, Alex convinced herself that Richard could offer her the world and his love in his own way, and she stopped fighting the decisions that had already been made for her.
“You’re right, Richard. I do want the same things. And I think we’re good for each other…in every sense of the word. It just took me a while to figure it out.” she finished as she desperately tried not to falter in her words.
“And what about this other guy?” Richard asked her, wondering what she was going to do about him. “I don’t want to know anything about him, and I’m not going to ask any questions, but…what are you going to do?”
“I think I just answered that,” Alex stated firmly.
Richard smiled, happy to hear her response. He didn’t want to know anything about this other person. He just wanted to know that he wasn’t going to be a factor in their lives anymore, and Alex had just promised him that he wouldn’t be. That was enough for Richard. Releasing her hand, he pulled out something from his pocket and held it between his fingers.
“I noticed you weren’t wearing this. Maybe it’s because you weren’t ready to yet. But I think…I hope you are now.” Richard took her left hand in his and gently slipped the diamond ring onto her finger.
Alex stared at the ring like she had never seen it before, and in some regards, she hadn’t. She had never really looked at it as an engagement ring. She had never really looked at it as a promise or as a commitment or as the next step in her life. She supposed that it had never really clicked for her that this man was offering to spend the rest of his life with her. Even the engagement party wasn’t enough to make it a reality. She supposed that’s why what happened between her and Olivia that night happened at all. But that was in the past. Richard was her future, and she knew that he was determined to remain so.
Alex looked up to meet Richard’s pleading eyes and put his fears to rest. “I’m ready,” she said with no hint of uncertainty in her voice. Richard squeezed her hand again, but more gently this time. He leaned forward and kissed her mouth. She parted her lips for him as he intensified the kiss. His hands began to roam over her body, pulling at her clothing, but Alex stopped him from going any further.
“Richard, I really need to shower,” she said gently, pulling away. “It’s Sunday. Why don’t we head out and do something fun? We never do anything out, you know?”
Richard reluctantly agreed and let her go. “I’ll take you to lunch, and we’ll do whatever you want,” he said kindly. “All you have to do is ask.”
Alex smiled and got up from the couch. She kissed him on the cheek before heading towards the bathroom. As she undressed in the bedroom, she heard him talking to her from the living room.
“Where did you go this morning?” he hollered.
Alex knew she certainly couldn’t tell him the truth. She couldn’t very well explain to him that she spent the night with the ‘other guy’ and that the ‘other guy’ was in fact a woman. “I just woke up this morning and needed to get out, so I paid a cab driver to drive me around the city for a while,” she partially lied.
“Well, it looks like it did you some good,” he replied boldly.
“Yeah,” she said back. “Yeah,” she repeated to herself as she looked in the mirror at her naked self. Never again would Olivia touch her body. Never again would she caress and kiss every inch of her skin. Never again would she be inside of her. Never again would their bodies be so connected. Never again would she feel so much passion. Never again would she feel so complete.
Alex averted her eyes from her reflection, afraid to see her own emotion on her face. She turned on the hot water and stepped into the shower. As she began rubbing her arms, she caught sight of her engagement ring, and stopped moving. She knew that she had never been one to settle for anything or anyone. That was the irony of her job. Too many times did she have to settle on a case or on a sentence. But this wasn’t a case. This was her life. And never did she ever think that she would have to settle for her life. She was stronger than that. Wasn’t she? Was it ambition that was keeping her with Richard? Was it fear? And what was it even a fear of? Was she afraid of Richard even though she knew he would never hurt her? Was she afraid of being alone now that Olivia had had enough? Was she afraid of losing her ambition? Suddenly Olivia’s words echoed in her head, the ones that she had said to her at the party: ‘I think you’re scared because for the first time in your life, someone’s making you see the real you, and you don’t like what you see because it’s so different than everything you’ve been raised to believe about yourself.’ Everything that she was raised to believe about herself had been completely turned upside down, but a part of her still desperately wanted to cling to that old version of Alexandra Cabot - the safe version, the perfect version.
Just as Olivia’s words had echoed in her head, so did Richard’s. ‘I will not lose you, Alexandra,’ he had said to her earlier. Alex knew his determination. She knew that once he decided that he wanted something, he more often than not always got it. He had even gotten her. When they first met, she refused to go on a date with him. She was interested in him as a friend and a colleague. He wanted more. He pursued her until she was forced to give in, and the rest was history. And now, he was pursuing her again. He wasn’t going to let her go. He had said that, not in the abusive sense; it was even questionable if it was meant in the controlling sense; but she certainly wasn’t convinced that it was said in a completely loving sense.
A chill filled Alex, one that she couldn’t explain and didn’t even know could exist in her until that very moment. Even with Richard just outside, Alex felt so alone. Olivia was done with her. The first person she had ever truly fallen in love with was done with her. And she had to be done with Olivia too.
As the water from her shower fell down on her from above, the heat helped to warm the chill that had filled her body and soul. But as the water poured down her face, Alex didn’t even realize the warmth of the tears that were streaming down her cheeks.
Part 29
“If you want something bad enough, it’s never impossible.” How many times was she going to hear that in a twenty-four hour period? So far in the last six hours or so she’d heard it twice: once from the cabdriver and once from Alex, although it had significantly more meaning coming from Alex, obviously.
Everyone who knew Olivia knew that she was stubborn. Sometimes, it’s what made her a great cop, but other times it’s what made her have difficulty in her more personal relationships. With her involvement with Alex, the latter was definitely true.
She had given her all to Alex. She had left herself open and vulnerable to a woman who she couldn’t help but fall in love with. She had done everything she could to win her heart, but her attempts weren’t brought to fruition soon enough. By the time Alex had admitted that she wanted something other than a successful career, Olivia had sealed herself off and had decided that enough was enough - the pain and anger she felt over the situation was no longer worth the chance that they might come together. Olivia had made her decision, and in doing so she made Alex’s decision as well.
Alex hailed a cab outside of Olivia’s building. Her head was spinning after having been rushed through the last several minutes of her life. She didn’t really understand how everything had happened, and how it had happened so quickly. Did Olivia just break up with her? Were they ever even together to begin with? Alex had to suppose not to the second question, which led her to suppose not to the first question as well, and yet her confusion still resounded heavily in her mind.
When a taxi pulled up to the curb, Alex quickly threw her bag on the seat and sat down beside it. Before the driver could ask where her destination was, Alex pulled out her wallet from her purse and handed him three twenty dollars bills. “Just drive anywhere,” she instructed. “Just drive until the meter hits sixty bucks.” He looked at her like she had lost her mind, but he didn’t hesitate to take her money. Following her orders, he pulled out into traffic and began their drive around the city.
Alex sat back and closed her eyes. She didn’t want to go back to her apartment. That she was certain. There was something so calming about sitting there in the backseat, letting someone else worry about the world outside. Some of her best thinking had been done during cab rides to various places. She’d think about her job or specific cases, or she’d think about Richard and her future, but never once had she ever thought about how she’d fallen in love with a woman. Had she fallen in love with Olivia? Was that what had happened? Alex remembered saying the words once when she was asleep in her own bed, and then, as if struck by a lightning bolt, she remembered having said them in her sleep again last night only this time Olivia had been there. Even if she tried to deny it, she knew that she couldn’t. Her subconscious had spoken for her. And Olivia had heard.
As the meter climbed towards the sixty-dollar mark, Alex’s mind wasn’t getting any clearer. She was thankful, though, that when she would finally go home, Richard wouldn’t be there. The thing was, Richard wasn’t a bad man. Yeah, he was a little arrogant sometimes and could be an ass, but overall, Alex knew that he was a decent guy. He treated her extremely well, he loved her, he respected her, he stood up for her, he knew her inside and out. They’d known each other for a long time, and they had always had an understanding of one another. He was right when he had questioned if she really wanted to start from the beginning with someone new. Suddenly Alex remembered that she had left his letter on Olivia’s dining room table. It amazed her that a piece of paper like that could cause the blowup that occurred between her and the detective. It seemed like such a small thing, but as she thought back to Richard’s words and her own reactions to them, she could understand why Olivia was so confused and why for her, enough was enough.
“The meter’s about to hit sixty. Do you want to be dropped off around here?” the cabdriver asked, interrupting Alex’s train of thought.
She looked out the window and realized that they were nowhere near her apartment. She gave him her address and told him that she’d pay the remaining fare when she arrived. The man smiled and changed lanes to head towards where she lived. Alex closed her eyes, and before she knew it, her sixty-dollar cab ride had turned to eighty and she was standing on the sidewalk staring up at the ninth floor of the building where she lived. As the cab drove away, Alex noticed that a light by one of her windows was turned on. She figured Olivia must have left it on when she was there last night. For the first time, it clicked in her mind that Olivia had been inside her apartment - that she had seen where she lived. It wasn’t a momentous occasion or anything, but Alex still panicked as she remembered how messy her place was, most of all her bedroom. It was rather embarrassing for her to know that the detective had seen the unmade bed and the clothes scattered on the floor, but she supposed Olivia hadn’t guessed the reason for the disarray of her room, especially of her bedding.
Alex took the elevator to her floor and slowly sauntered down the hallway towards her front door. The bag hanging from her shoulder only had a few of her belongings in it, but with the weight of everything that had happened this morning, it felt like a million pounds. She unlocked the door and carried her things towards the bedroom. She figured it was a good idea to clean the place up a bit before the week started and before Richard came back.
As if he knew she was thinking his name, Richard appeared from the kitchen behind her. To say the least, Alex was extremely shocked to see him, but she was slightly subtler in her disappointment than she had been in the past.
“Richard, you’re here,” she said as more of a question than a statement.
Her fiancé, as he technically was, though she hated to admit, was surprised at her reaction and let out a small humored laugh.
“I know,” he said nodding and holding up his hand, his way of informing her that he understood her response. “I said I wasn’t going to be here, but…” Richard didn’t finish his sentence and let out a deep sigh instead.
He took a few steps towards her, closing the distance between them, and looked her up and down. Even as disheveled as she looked, Richard still thought her the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her dazzling blue eyes couldn’t help but sparkle even when she was angry or sad. Her smile, her laugh, even her frown were enough to bend him to his knees and give her anything she could ever ask of him. The way she kept her composure, even under distress, was a true signifier of the strong person she was. But even though her appearance was tough and distinguished to everyone else, he knew better. He knew that her sensibilities were delicate and not as controlled as she presented them to be, though this took nothing away from her strength as the woman he loved.
“Alex, sweetie,” Richard calmly said as he tucked a piece of hair behind her ears and held her face in his hand. “I want to talk to you.”
Alex was almost afraid to look at him, and she was even more afraid to hear what he had to say. She thought his letter had said all that there was to say, but he seemed to have more.
He led her to the couch and sat her down. He sat on the coffee table in front of her, her knees between his, her hands inside his hands.
“I know you got my letter,” he began, “although I don’t see it anywhere.”
Alex panicked for a moment, praying he wouldn’t ask her where it was. Before giving him the opportunity to, she spoke up. “Yeah, I got it. Thank you,” she said nervously.
Richard furrowed his brows for a brief second, taken aback by her fidgeting and her nervous darting eyes. But he continued anyway. “I didn’t hear anything from you after I sent it - not a call, not an email. Nothing. So I rushed back here to save something that I think is falling away from me.”
“Richard, I…”
“Alex, please,” he said. “Just let me say what I have to say, okay?”
Alex nodded her head and kept quiet.
“Everything that was said in that letter…I meant every word of it. It wasn’t written as an impulse or as a desperate attempt to be romantic and to get you back.” He took a deep breath before going on. “I think that someone has come between us, and I don’t know who it could be, but it doesn’t matter. I want to move on from it. And I want you to as well.” Richard leaned forward until he was uncomfortably close to Alex’s face, and staring deep into her eyes, he said with complete earnestness, “I will not lose you to this other person. You know me. I don’t lose. I didn’t get where I am today by losing, and I will not lose you, Alexandra. If you make me go up against this person, I’ll win. I’ll win every single time because I have the advantage. And do you know what that advantage is?” he asked her.
Alex shook her head and swallowed as she tried to hide her alarm at what was being said.
Richard smiled and squeezed her hand tightly before telling her the answer. “You’re already with me, Alex. That’s the advantage. You’re already mine, which means that I’m miles ahead of this other guy. He’s got a lot of catching up to do to even come close to me.”
Alex had no words to say. She had no idea in her head how to respond to his solemnity and the gravity of what he was saying. Richard could tell she was speechless, and fearing that he had been too harsh and too straightforward, he eased up a bit. Leaning back to give her some space, he kissed the top of her hand, and with a charming look on his face he decided to go in a different direction.
“Tell me what you want, baby. Ask me anything and it’s yours. Ask me for a star, and I pull one down for you. Ask me for the moon, and I’ll lasso it down from the sky. Ask me for a seat, and every door in DC will be open for you. Ask me for my heart…it’s already yours.” Richard stopped and lifted Alex’s chin with his finger so that they were looking directly at each other. “I promise, Alex, I promise to take care of you. Not in the 1950’s housewife sense, but in the partners-in-love-and-life sense. I think you still want the things we started out wanting together. I think that’s still a part of you. I think it will always be a part of you. So let me help you get there, Alex. Let me love you. Let yourself be loved, you know. Don’t close yourself off to me because you’re afraid of being hurt. I’m never going to hurt you. Ever.”
Richard brushed Alex’s cheek with his thumb just like Olivia had done the night before. Whereas before she would have imagined it was the detective touching her like that, this time she stayed focused on Richard. Whereas before she would have closed her eyes to mentally shrink away from his touch, this time she found herself unable to move away from it. Something in Richard’s tone, the expression on his face, the words that he spoke, paralyzed her. She couldn’t tell if it was defeat that she was feeling or if it was fear. Perhaps it was the overwhelming honesty of his intentions that stunned her so much. Maybe it was the fact that decisions had already been made for her, both Olivia’s and Richard’s. Olivia didn’t want her, and Richard did. The choice was already made. All she had to do was follow it.
“And what about the job offer in Washington?” she asked.
“Forget that job. If you’re not ready to move, if you’re not ready to take that step, then that job is out of the picture,” he responded reassuringly. “You and I will build this life together - that means both of us on the same side fighting for the same things. I love you, Alex, and there’s no way that I would ever make you do something that you don’t want to do.”
Alex couldn’t help her doubts about this point. He seemed so ready to move to DC as if he’d already accepted the job opening without even consulting her. But he was right. They could build a life together that could promise her everything she had wanted for so long. And that was something that she couldn’t so easily overlook. She needed that influence to sway her decision, and it did. In a moment of desperate rationality, Alex convinced herself that Richard could offer her the world and his love in his own way, and she stopped fighting the decisions that had already been made for her.
“You’re right, Richard. I do want the same things. And I think we’re good for each other…in every sense of the word. It just took me a while to figure it out.” she finished as she desperately tried not to falter in her words.
“And what about this other guy?” Richard asked her, wondering what she was going to do about him. “I don’t want to know anything about him, and I’m not going to ask any questions, but…what are you going to do?”
“I think I just answered that,” Alex stated firmly.
Richard smiled, happy to hear her response. He didn’t want to know anything about this other person. He just wanted to know that he wasn’t going to be a factor in their lives anymore, and Alex had just promised him that he wouldn’t be. That was enough for Richard. Releasing her hand, he pulled out something from his pocket and held it between his fingers.
“I noticed you weren’t wearing this. Maybe it’s because you weren’t ready to yet. But I think…I hope you are now.” Richard took her left hand in his and gently slipped the diamond ring onto her finger.
Alex stared at the ring like she had never seen it before, and in some regards, she hadn’t. She had never really looked at it as an engagement ring. She had never really looked at it as a promise or as a commitment or as the next step in her life. She supposed that it had never really clicked for her that this man was offering to spend the rest of his life with her. Even the engagement party wasn’t enough to make it a reality. She supposed that’s why what happened between her and Olivia that night happened at all. But that was in the past. Richard was her future, and she knew that he was determined to remain so.
Alex looked up to meet Richard’s pleading eyes and put his fears to rest. “I’m ready,” she said with no hint of uncertainty in her voice. Richard squeezed her hand again, but more gently this time. He leaned forward and kissed her mouth. She parted her lips for him as he intensified the kiss. His hands began to roam over her body, pulling at her clothing, but Alex stopped him from going any further.
“Richard, I really need to shower,” she said gently, pulling away. “It’s Sunday. Why don’t we head out and do something fun? We never do anything out, you know?”
Richard reluctantly agreed and let her go. “I’ll take you to lunch, and we’ll do whatever you want,” he said kindly. “All you have to do is ask.”
Alex smiled and got up from the couch. She kissed him on the cheek before heading towards the bathroom. As she undressed in the bedroom, she heard him talking to her from the living room.
“Where did you go this morning?” he hollered.
Alex knew she certainly couldn’t tell him the truth. She couldn’t very well explain to him that she spent the night with the ‘other guy’ and that the ‘other guy’ was in fact a woman. “I just woke up this morning and needed to get out, so I paid a cab driver to drive me around the city for a while,” she partially lied.
“Well, it looks like it did you some good,” he replied boldly.
“Yeah,” she said back. “Yeah,” she repeated to herself as she looked in the mirror at her naked self. Never again would Olivia touch her body. Never again would she caress and kiss every inch of her skin. Never again would she be inside of her. Never again would their bodies be so connected. Never again would she feel so much passion. Never again would she feel so complete.
Alex averted her eyes from her reflection, afraid to see her own emotion on her face. She turned on the hot water and stepped into the shower. As she began rubbing her arms, she caught sight of her engagement ring, and stopped moving. She knew that she had never been one to settle for anything or anyone. That was the irony of her job. Too many times did she have to settle on a case or on a sentence. But this wasn’t a case. This was her life. And never did she ever think that she would have to settle for her life. She was stronger than that. Wasn’t she? Was it ambition that was keeping her with Richard? Was it fear? And what was it even a fear of? Was she afraid of Richard even though she knew he would never hurt her? Was she afraid of being alone now that Olivia had had enough? Was she afraid of losing her ambition? Suddenly Olivia’s words echoed in her head, the ones that she had said to her at the party: ‘I think you’re scared because for the first time in your life, someone’s making you see the real you, and you don’t like what you see because it’s so different than everything you’ve been raised to believe about yourself.’ Everything that she was raised to believe about herself had been completely turned upside down, but a part of her still desperately wanted to cling to that old version of Alexandra Cabot - the safe version, the perfect version.
Just as Olivia’s words had echoed in her head, so did Richard’s. ‘I will not lose you, Alexandra,’ he had said to her earlier. Alex knew his determination. She knew that once he decided that he wanted something, he more often than not always got it. He had even gotten her. When they first met, she refused to go on a date with him. She was interested in him as a friend and a colleague. He wanted more. He pursued her until she was forced to give in, and the rest was history. And now, he was pursuing her again. He wasn’t going to let her go. He had said that, not in the abusive sense; it was even questionable if it was meant in the controlling sense; but she certainly wasn’t convinced that it was said in a completely loving sense.
A chill filled Alex, one that she couldn’t explain and didn’t even know could exist in her until that very moment. Even with Richard just outside, Alex felt so alone. Olivia was done with her. The first person she had ever truly fallen in love with was done with her. And she had to be done with Olivia too.
As the water from her shower fell down on her from above, the heat helped to warm the chill that had filled her body and soul. But as the water poured down her face, Alex didn’t even realize the warmth of the tears that were streaming down her cheeks.