A Woman Undone: Part 28/?
Hi There! I'm sorry this update is being posted so incredibly late (well, later than usual). It's been a crazy day! I tried to make this part a little bit longer because unfortunately I don't think I'm going to be able to post anything for the next few days. My final exams start Monday and the last difficult one is Tuesday morning. That means that the next update won't be until Tuesday afternoon or evening or possibly Wednesday, unless I get distracted by it and write something before then. I hate to do this to you all, and I hope that no one loses interest during the story's brief hiatus. Don't forget me...I won't forget you! Have a wonderful weekend, everyone. And now may I present....A Woman Undone!
Part 28
Olivia’s eyes adjusted to the light shining in her bedroom as she slowly began to wake up. The clock by her bed read just after ten o’clock in the morning. She’d only been asleep for a few hours after the night’s events, but even with the lack of sleep she wasn’t really tired. As her mind and body woke up, Olivia felt a weight pressed up against her side and an arm draped across her stomach. As if she could have forgotten her presence there, Olivia turned her head to see Alex lying on her side next to her so peacefully asleep. She had never really experienced how nice it could feel to share a bed with someone. It was so comforting to feel a body next to her, and it was incredibly amazing to feel Alex next to her even though she knew it was pointless to wish she could always be there in the mornings. Olivia usually wasn’t one to go to bed with a woman and then wake up with her in the morning, either at her place or theirs. She had tried that a few times with nameless strangers and even short-term girlfriends, but the mornings always proved to be beyond awkward. It was never comforting to wake up to the what’s-her-names and the past relationships in her life.
But Alex - Alex looked like an angel. The sunlight hit her blonde hair at such a perfect angle and accentuated her beauty. Her body was perfect in its curves, its tone, and its smoothness. Her lips, slightly parted, were delicate and sensual. Her complexion was so amazingly gorgeous and fair. Alex had washed off all of her makeup before going to bed, and lying there next to her, Olivia noticed how much younger she looked. She looked so serene and with a child-like innocence as if the big, bad city could swallow her up as soon as she stepped foot onto its streets. But Olivia knew better. She knew Alex was a born fighter. She knew her determination, her vim and vigor, her strength of heart and mind. She knew that Alex was one of those people who had a goal in mind and was willing to do whatever it would take to achieve that goal. Olivia also knew that in the real world, in the big, bad city of New York, she didn’t fit into Alex’s plans. She couldn’t help her achieve her goals - not in the same way that Richard could, at least. She could love her, but was that enough? Was that what Alex really wanted?
Olivia clenched her teeth and worked the muscles in her jaw. A part of her was focused on trying not to cry. Another part was focused on figuring out how to handle these emotions and the possibility that her love for Alex would never come to fruition. And an even greater part was focused on controlling the anger that was beginning to stir inside of her. She was angry at Richard’s proposal, both the marriage and the letter. She was angry with herself for loving this woman. She was angry with Alex for her fickleness, her lies, betrayal, uncertainty, engagement, sacrifices, career, passion, lust. She was even angry with Alex for her love, if that’s even what she could call it. Olivia closed her eyes and hoped for strength of heart and mind that she knew she would need as the day began. “This needs to be done. This needs to be done,” she repeated in her head.
Olivia was surprised that her cell phone hadn’t gone off yet to interrupt her weekend. As she thought back to last night, she remembered being in Alex’s apartment and setting it down on the counter next to the stool where she found Richard’s letter. “Shit,” she cursed. She’d have to go back and get it. She managed to slip out of bed without waking the blonde and got dressed. Taking one last look at Alex lying there, she quietly exited the bedroom.
Olivia hoped she would be back before Alex woke up. She walked outside and hailed a taxi. The ride back to Alex’s apartment seemed much faster than the night before even though traffic was worse this morning. She told the driver to wait a few minutes while she ran upstairs to grab her phone and to look for anything else she might have forgotten. Within two minutes, she was back in the cab and on her way home. There were no messages or missed calls on her phone, for which she was thankful, and before she knew it she was back at her own place.
Olivia opened the door to her apartment. She looked and listened for any signs that Alex was awake. Seeing and hearing none, she walked to the kitchen to make some coffee. She wondered how Alex liked her coffee. She actually couldn’t remember her ever making herself a cup, and she wondered if she even drank it at all. Olivia opened the refrigerator and pulled out a carton of light cream. She poured a small amount in her cup and mixed it together with a spoon. “Well, if she does drink coffee, I hope she’s okay with light cream because that’s all I’ve got,” Olivia said to herself, as she opened a cabinet and looked inside. “I don’t even have sugar. How pathetic.” As she closed the cupboard door, she heard a voice behind her.
“Hi,” Alex said rather shyly.
Olivia turned around to see Alex standing there in a pair of loose fitting pants and a tight fitting t-shirt. “I see you found some things of mine to wear to bed,” Olivia commented rather dryly.
“Yeah,” Alex replied, looking down at her attire. “I hope you don’t mind.”
“Of course not. I made the offer, didn’t I?” Olivia reminded her, as she held up an empty mug and the carafe from the coffeemaker, offering her a cup.
“Uh, yeah,” Alex replied rather cautiously and nodding yes to the cup. She sat down at the dining room table and waited for the detective to join her. Her behavior was somewhat curt this morning, and it made Alex uneasy to not know why. Olivia handed her a full cup and sat across from her. Alex reached for the cream. “Light cream, just like I like it,” she said with a smile.
Olivia didn’t smile back. It was obvious that her mind was elsewhere at the moment, and Alex didn’t know whether to press the matter or to let her reveal her thoughts on her own. Alex was usually very good at reading people. That was part of her job, after all. She had become an expert at designing her questions based on the reactions of the suspects and witnesses on the stand - not necessarily their answers, but their reactions. If they shifted uncomfortably when a question was asked, Alex knew to push them further. If they paused in their response, she knew to delve deeper. If they glanced at their attorney, she knew to start firing away. Her mind was trained to catch these little movements, and she had gotten quite good at it. Did Olivia honestly think that her actions this morning were going unnoticed? Or perhaps she wanted Alex to notice. Perhaps she wanted Alex to question her, but for the first time Alex didn’t know what to ask. Even though she knew Olivia was acting strangely, she couldn’t read her completely. She tried to study her without being too obvious, but the detective wore detachment and indifference like a mask.
Suddenly, Olivia’s eyes shot up to catch Alex staring at her. For a second, Alex froze before quickly bringing her cup to her lips and taking a sip of coffee. She darted her eyes away immediately after, her gaze falling on a blank white piece of paper lying on the table. Before she could ask about it, Olivia spoke.
“You know, Alex, it just hit me that I don’t really know that much about you other than what you do for a living and, well, Richard of course,” she finished a little bit too sweetly.
Alex couldn’t hide the stunned expression on her face. One minute Olivia was being unusually indifferent towards her and the next she was showing complete interest. Alex paused briefly before answering her, proceeding with caution, like a small child wary of the way to a beautiful enchantress beckoning her.
“What do you want to know?”
Olivia took a sip of coffee, her eyes never leaving Alex’s face. They had turned a very dark brown as she stared at her like she would at a suspect in an interrogation - untrusting and unsympathetic.
“Alex, does Richard know about me?” she suddenly asked, opting to use the word ‘me’ rather than ‘us’ given the fact that she didn’t think that there really was an ‘us.’
The question caught Alex completely off guard. “No. How would he know?” she responded curious as to why she was asking.
But Olivia didn’t pursue the topic. Both women kept drinking their coffee, every once in a while staring at each other, trying to endure the awkward tension that was unlike any that they had ever felt before. After a long silence, save for their sipping of their coffees, Olivia spoke up again.
“How did you get that scar on your knee?” she inquired, staring directly at her.
“What?” Alex asked even more shocked than before.
“The scar…on your knee,” Olivia repeated, leaning slightly to the side to see Alex’s leg and nodding towards her knee. “How did you get it?”
“Why are you asking?” Alex questioned, confusion written all over her face. “I mean…I didn’t realize you’d been examining me that closely,” she finished with a nervous laugh.
Olivia didn’t answer right away, nor did she join her in the laugh. Instead, she took a long sip of coffee, but never broke eye contact with the blonde. “I haven’t,” Olivia said sternly. Still holding her mug to her mouth, Olivia slowly slid the white piece of paper across the table, stopping it right in front of Alex.
Alex knew what it was before she even turned it over, and her stomach became one giant knot. “Olivia…” she tried to explain.
“Is that why you were here last night, Alex?” Olivia interrupted, stopping her from speaking. “Were you hoping I’d help you make up your mind?” Alex tried to interject but Olivia held up her hand and continued, “Because if you were, you should have told me about it.”
“Olivia…” Alex repeated but she didn’t know what to say.
“Did you see him after he sent this to you? Did you talk to him?” Olivia asked trying to get the details of everything sorted out in her head.
“No, I haven’t seen or talked to him since the party,” she answered honestly.
“Alex, you know,” Olivia began as she got up from her chair and stepped a few paces back. “I admit I’ve played a lot of games in my life. And maybe this is karma. Maybe it’s all coming back to me, but you know what? I really wish you’d tell me what the hell it is that you want.”
“Olivia it’s not…I don’t know…I don’t know what to do.” Alex stammered.
“Alex, have you read this letter?” Olivia asked her even though she knew the answer. She picked up the piece of paper from the table and began reading it. “‘I am here to offer you everything that you could ever want. Every door that you knock on, I will make sure is opened to you. Every step you take, I’ll be right there by your side.’” Olivia spoke Richard’s every word with resentment and disdain in her voice.
Alex closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Please don’t reread it, okay? I know what it says. I’ve read it.”
Olivia ignored her and continued. “‘Whoever this person is, is he worth throwing away everything that we’ve worked so hard for? Is he worth the sacrifices?’”
“Olivia!” Alex snapped, opening her eyes and getting the detective to stop reading the words.
Olivia’s head shot up and rage flashed in her eyes. “Alex, he doesn’t even know that this ‘he’ is a ‘she’.” Olivia was trying so desperately not to lose all control. “I mean…what are you doing? What are you…why did you come here?” Olivia asked as her frustrations grew and her anger seethed.
Alex didn’t say a word. Her mind raced frantically for the right words to say, but nothing made sense, even to her.
“Why the hell are you here?” Olivia shouted, slamming the letter on the table. “Did you come here for one last fuck session before you were going to tell me your decision to stay with that dick?”
“My decision?” Alex yelled back as she stood up from the table. “I came here, didn’t I? I spent the night with you, didn’t I? Doesn’t that count for something?”
“Why didn’t you tell me about the letter?” Olivia asked, trying to gain back control of the volume and tone of her voice.
“I don’t know,” Alex replied truthfully.
“Why didn’t you tell me about the letter?” Olivia repeated more aggressively this time.
“I don’t know!” Alex shouted. “I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. I wasn’t trying to get into your pants by not mentioning it to you. I mean…Jesus, Olivia. Maybe I was scared. Maybe I was sad or annoyed or frustrated or…angry. I don’t know.”
“You can’t just play games with people’s minds, Alex,” Olivia lectured. “Richard has no fucking clue what’s going on, and to be quite honest, neither do I.” Olivia stopped yelling. Her shoulders lowered and Alex could see the defeat even in her posture. “Why did you come here last night? I just want to know,” Olivia pleaded.
Alex’s throat muscles tensed as she tried to fight back the tears. Emotion overwhelmed her as she answered the question. “Because, Olivia, when I finished reading the letter, the only person I could think of being with was you. I told you last night that I needed to see you. I did. I needed you. Your face was the first in my mind - not Richard’s - yours. We didn’t sleep together, but I wanted to stay. That has to count for something.”
Olivia couldn’t answer that because she honestly didn’t know if Alex being there last night spoke any truth about the way she really felt. Olivia leaned on the table with both arms. Her head was bent down as she began talking calmly. “Alex, what sacrifices do you think you’re going to have to make by being with me, or better yet, by not being with Richard?”
Alex didn’t respond. How could she explain things in a way that Olivia would understand? It wasn’t that Olivia hadn’t worked hard to get where she was in life and that she wouldn’t understand that aspect of it. It was that Alex knew that her own aspirations far surpassed the detective’s. Reach a broader constituency - that’s what she wanted. And in the competitive world that they were living in, help was needed in reaching those types of goals, not to mention the fact that she wasn’t prepared to answer questions regarding her sexuality, nor was she prepared to deal with the consequences that a person in her position might have to face with regards to such a matter.
“I know you’re not willing to make sacrifices to be with me,” Olivia continued after Alex didn’t say anything. “But are you really willing to make sacrifices to be with Richard and to get everything you claim to want so badly for your career?”
“Everything I claim to want?” Alex asked almost insulted at the implication that she was bluffing about her career. She didn’t even address the ‘sacrifices’ that Olivia was referring to.
“Alex, you’re sending me mixed signals,” Olivia tried to clarify. “You get this letter from Richard, and the first thing you do is come to me. If your career was so important to you, the first person you would have gone to would have been Richard, not me.”
“You don’t get it, do you? I can’t explain it to you. I can’t…” Alex dropped her hand heavily on the chair in front of her. “I just don’t know how to explain this to you.”
“It doesn’t matter. I can’t do this, Alex. I can’t be your little…I just can’t handle this.” The two women stared into each other’s eyes, and for the first time, neither of them allowed themselves to hope that the other would reach out. “I think you should go.” It wasn’t a suggestion. It was an order.
“You think I’ve already made my decision, don’t you?” Alex asked as her voice trembled.
“It doesn’t matter,” Olivia repeated, straightening up and regaining her full composure. “I’m making it for you right now.”
Alex nodded her head in disbelief as they both locked eyes with each other. She couldn’t argue with her and there was nothing left to say. Alex grabbed the small bag that had been brought from her apartment. Olivia just stood there by the dining room table with her hands on her hips, still staring at her. She had nothing left to give this woman. She loved her, but that wasn’t enough.
Alex walked towards the door, and before opening it, she turned around. “I know you think you’re making a decision for me, Olivia, but you’re making it based on one you think I made last night before I got here.” Alex suddenly felt like they had switched roles. Olivia was usually the one walking out after they’d had an argument. She was usually the one with the final last words. But now, it was Alex. “You think that I wanted, what was it, one last fuck session, as you so delicately put it? If that’s what you want to think, then think it, but it meant something to me being here last night. And yeah, maybe I’m not ready to dive head first into the deep end with you, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not interested or that I’m not trying to find a way towards that.”
“So what am I supposed to do, Alex? Wait? Wait for the impossible?” Olivia asked.
Alex shook her head. She opened the door but stopped before entering the hallway. She turned around and gave Olivia such a complex look that it can only be described as surrender mixed with sadness, hope mixed with disappointment, and love mixed with regret. “If you want something bad enough, Olivia, it’s never impossible.” And she walked out the door.
Part 28
Olivia’s eyes adjusted to the light shining in her bedroom as she slowly began to wake up. The clock by her bed read just after ten o’clock in the morning. She’d only been asleep for a few hours after the night’s events, but even with the lack of sleep she wasn’t really tired. As her mind and body woke up, Olivia felt a weight pressed up against her side and an arm draped across her stomach. As if she could have forgotten her presence there, Olivia turned her head to see Alex lying on her side next to her so peacefully asleep. She had never really experienced how nice it could feel to share a bed with someone. It was so comforting to feel a body next to her, and it was incredibly amazing to feel Alex next to her even though she knew it was pointless to wish she could always be there in the mornings. Olivia usually wasn’t one to go to bed with a woman and then wake up with her in the morning, either at her place or theirs. She had tried that a few times with nameless strangers and even short-term girlfriends, but the mornings always proved to be beyond awkward. It was never comforting to wake up to the what’s-her-names and the past relationships in her life.
But Alex - Alex looked like an angel. The sunlight hit her blonde hair at such a perfect angle and accentuated her beauty. Her body was perfect in its curves, its tone, and its smoothness. Her lips, slightly parted, were delicate and sensual. Her complexion was so amazingly gorgeous and fair. Alex had washed off all of her makeup before going to bed, and lying there next to her, Olivia noticed how much younger she looked. She looked so serene and with a child-like innocence as if the big, bad city could swallow her up as soon as she stepped foot onto its streets. But Olivia knew better. She knew Alex was a born fighter. She knew her determination, her vim and vigor, her strength of heart and mind. She knew that Alex was one of those people who had a goal in mind and was willing to do whatever it would take to achieve that goal. Olivia also knew that in the real world, in the big, bad city of New York, she didn’t fit into Alex’s plans. She couldn’t help her achieve her goals - not in the same way that Richard could, at least. She could love her, but was that enough? Was that what Alex really wanted?
Olivia clenched her teeth and worked the muscles in her jaw. A part of her was focused on trying not to cry. Another part was focused on figuring out how to handle these emotions and the possibility that her love for Alex would never come to fruition. And an even greater part was focused on controlling the anger that was beginning to stir inside of her. She was angry at Richard’s proposal, both the marriage and the letter. She was angry with herself for loving this woman. She was angry with Alex for her fickleness, her lies, betrayal, uncertainty, engagement, sacrifices, career, passion, lust. She was even angry with Alex for her love, if that’s even what she could call it. Olivia closed her eyes and hoped for strength of heart and mind that she knew she would need as the day began. “This needs to be done. This needs to be done,” she repeated in her head.
Olivia was surprised that her cell phone hadn’t gone off yet to interrupt her weekend. As she thought back to last night, she remembered being in Alex’s apartment and setting it down on the counter next to the stool where she found Richard’s letter. “Shit,” she cursed. She’d have to go back and get it. She managed to slip out of bed without waking the blonde and got dressed. Taking one last look at Alex lying there, she quietly exited the bedroom.
Olivia hoped she would be back before Alex woke up. She walked outside and hailed a taxi. The ride back to Alex’s apartment seemed much faster than the night before even though traffic was worse this morning. She told the driver to wait a few minutes while she ran upstairs to grab her phone and to look for anything else she might have forgotten. Within two minutes, she was back in the cab and on her way home. There were no messages or missed calls on her phone, for which she was thankful, and before she knew it she was back at her own place.
Olivia opened the door to her apartment. She looked and listened for any signs that Alex was awake. Seeing and hearing none, she walked to the kitchen to make some coffee. She wondered how Alex liked her coffee. She actually couldn’t remember her ever making herself a cup, and she wondered if she even drank it at all. Olivia opened the refrigerator and pulled out a carton of light cream. She poured a small amount in her cup and mixed it together with a spoon. “Well, if she does drink coffee, I hope she’s okay with light cream because that’s all I’ve got,” Olivia said to herself, as she opened a cabinet and looked inside. “I don’t even have sugar. How pathetic.” As she closed the cupboard door, she heard a voice behind her.
“Hi,” Alex said rather shyly.
Olivia turned around to see Alex standing there in a pair of loose fitting pants and a tight fitting t-shirt. “I see you found some things of mine to wear to bed,” Olivia commented rather dryly.
“Yeah,” Alex replied, looking down at her attire. “I hope you don’t mind.”
“Of course not. I made the offer, didn’t I?” Olivia reminded her, as she held up an empty mug and the carafe from the coffeemaker, offering her a cup.
“Uh, yeah,” Alex replied rather cautiously and nodding yes to the cup. She sat down at the dining room table and waited for the detective to join her. Her behavior was somewhat curt this morning, and it made Alex uneasy to not know why. Olivia handed her a full cup and sat across from her. Alex reached for the cream. “Light cream, just like I like it,” she said with a smile.
Olivia didn’t smile back. It was obvious that her mind was elsewhere at the moment, and Alex didn’t know whether to press the matter or to let her reveal her thoughts on her own. Alex was usually very good at reading people. That was part of her job, after all. She had become an expert at designing her questions based on the reactions of the suspects and witnesses on the stand - not necessarily their answers, but their reactions. If they shifted uncomfortably when a question was asked, Alex knew to push them further. If they paused in their response, she knew to delve deeper. If they glanced at their attorney, she knew to start firing away. Her mind was trained to catch these little movements, and she had gotten quite good at it. Did Olivia honestly think that her actions this morning were going unnoticed? Or perhaps she wanted Alex to notice. Perhaps she wanted Alex to question her, but for the first time Alex didn’t know what to ask. Even though she knew Olivia was acting strangely, she couldn’t read her completely. She tried to study her without being too obvious, but the detective wore detachment and indifference like a mask.
Suddenly, Olivia’s eyes shot up to catch Alex staring at her. For a second, Alex froze before quickly bringing her cup to her lips and taking a sip of coffee. She darted her eyes away immediately after, her gaze falling on a blank white piece of paper lying on the table. Before she could ask about it, Olivia spoke.
“You know, Alex, it just hit me that I don’t really know that much about you other than what you do for a living and, well, Richard of course,” she finished a little bit too sweetly.
Alex couldn’t hide the stunned expression on her face. One minute Olivia was being unusually indifferent towards her and the next she was showing complete interest. Alex paused briefly before answering her, proceeding with caution, like a small child wary of the way to a beautiful enchantress beckoning her.
“What do you want to know?”
Olivia took a sip of coffee, her eyes never leaving Alex’s face. They had turned a very dark brown as she stared at her like she would at a suspect in an interrogation - untrusting and unsympathetic.
“Alex, does Richard know about me?” she suddenly asked, opting to use the word ‘me’ rather than ‘us’ given the fact that she didn’t think that there really was an ‘us.’
The question caught Alex completely off guard. “No. How would he know?” she responded curious as to why she was asking.
But Olivia didn’t pursue the topic. Both women kept drinking their coffee, every once in a while staring at each other, trying to endure the awkward tension that was unlike any that they had ever felt before. After a long silence, save for their sipping of their coffees, Olivia spoke up again.
“How did you get that scar on your knee?” she inquired, staring directly at her.
“What?” Alex asked even more shocked than before.
“The scar…on your knee,” Olivia repeated, leaning slightly to the side to see Alex’s leg and nodding towards her knee. “How did you get it?”
“Why are you asking?” Alex questioned, confusion written all over her face. “I mean…I didn’t realize you’d been examining me that closely,” she finished with a nervous laugh.
Olivia didn’t answer right away, nor did she join her in the laugh. Instead, she took a long sip of coffee, but never broke eye contact with the blonde. “I haven’t,” Olivia said sternly. Still holding her mug to her mouth, Olivia slowly slid the white piece of paper across the table, stopping it right in front of Alex.
Alex knew what it was before she even turned it over, and her stomach became one giant knot. “Olivia…” she tried to explain.
“Is that why you were here last night, Alex?” Olivia interrupted, stopping her from speaking. “Were you hoping I’d help you make up your mind?” Alex tried to interject but Olivia held up her hand and continued, “Because if you were, you should have told me about it.”
“Olivia…” Alex repeated but she didn’t know what to say.
“Did you see him after he sent this to you? Did you talk to him?” Olivia asked trying to get the details of everything sorted out in her head.
“No, I haven’t seen or talked to him since the party,” she answered honestly.
“Alex, you know,” Olivia began as she got up from her chair and stepped a few paces back. “I admit I’ve played a lot of games in my life. And maybe this is karma. Maybe it’s all coming back to me, but you know what? I really wish you’d tell me what the hell it is that you want.”
“Olivia it’s not…I don’t know…I don’t know what to do.” Alex stammered.
“Alex, have you read this letter?” Olivia asked her even though she knew the answer. She picked up the piece of paper from the table and began reading it. “‘I am here to offer you everything that you could ever want. Every door that you knock on, I will make sure is opened to you. Every step you take, I’ll be right there by your side.’” Olivia spoke Richard’s every word with resentment and disdain in her voice.
Alex closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Please don’t reread it, okay? I know what it says. I’ve read it.”
Olivia ignored her and continued. “‘Whoever this person is, is he worth throwing away everything that we’ve worked so hard for? Is he worth the sacrifices?’”
“Olivia!” Alex snapped, opening her eyes and getting the detective to stop reading the words.
Olivia’s head shot up and rage flashed in her eyes. “Alex, he doesn’t even know that this ‘he’ is a ‘she’.” Olivia was trying so desperately not to lose all control. “I mean…what are you doing? What are you…why did you come here?” Olivia asked as her frustrations grew and her anger seethed.
Alex didn’t say a word. Her mind raced frantically for the right words to say, but nothing made sense, even to her.
“Why the hell are you here?” Olivia shouted, slamming the letter on the table. “Did you come here for one last fuck session before you were going to tell me your decision to stay with that dick?”
“My decision?” Alex yelled back as she stood up from the table. “I came here, didn’t I? I spent the night with you, didn’t I? Doesn’t that count for something?”
“Why didn’t you tell me about the letter?” Olivia asked, trying to gain back control of the volume and tone of her voice.
“I don’t know,” Alex replied truthfully.
“Why didn’t you tell me about the letter?” Olivia repeated more aggressively this time.
“I don’t know!” Alex shouted. “I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. I wasn’t trying to get into your pants by not mentioning it to you. I mean…Jesus, Olivia. Maybe I was scared. Maybe I was sad or annoyed or frustrated or…angry. I don’t know.”
“You can’t just play games with people’s minds, Alex,” Olivia lectured. “Richard has no fucking clue what’s going on, and to be quite honest, neither do I.” Olivia stopped yelling. Her shoulders lowered and Alex could see the defeat even in her posture. “Why did you come here last night? I just want to know,” Olivia pleaded.
Alex’s throat muscles tensed as she tried to fight back the tears. Emotion overwhelmed her as she answered the question. “Because, Olivia, when I finished reading the letter, the only person I could think of being with was you. I told you last night that I needed to see you. I did. I needed you. Your face was the first in my mind - not Richard’s - yours. We didn’t sleep together, but I wanted to stay. That has to count for something.”
Olivia couldn’t answer that because she honestly didn’t know if Alex being there last night spoke any truth about the way she really felt. Olivia leaned on the table with both arms. Her head was bent down as she began talking calmly. “Alex, what sacrifices do you think you’re going to have to make by being with me, or better yet, by not being with Richard?”
Alex didn’t respond. How could she explain things in a way that Olivia would understand? It wasn’t that Olivia hadn’t worked hard to get where she was in life and that she wouldn’t understand that aspect of it. It was that Alex knew that her own aspirations far surpassed the detective’s. Reach a broader constituency - that’s what she wanted. And in the competitive world that they were living in, help was needed in reaching those types of goals, not to mention the fact that she wasn’t prepared to answer questions regarding her sexuality, nor was she prepared to deal with the consequences that a person in her position might have to face with regards to such a matter.
“I know you’re not willing to make sacrifices to be with me,” Olivia continued after Alex didn’t say anything. “But are you really willing to make sacrifices to be with Richard and to get everything you claim to want so badly for your career?”
“Everything I claim to want?” Alex asked almost insulted at the implication that she was bluffing about her career. She didn’t even address the ‘sacrifices’ that Olivia was referring to.
“Alex, you’re sending me mixed signals,” Olivia tried to clarify. “You get this letter from Richard, and the first thing you do is come to me. If your career was so important to you, the first person you would have gone to would have been Richard, not me.”
“You don’t get it, do you? I can’t explain it to you. I can’t…” Alex dropped her hand heavily on the chair in front of her. “I just don’t know how to explain this to you.”
“It doesn’t matter. I can’t do this, Alex. I can’t be your little…I just can’t handle this.” The two women stared into each other’s eyes, and for the first time, neither of them allowed themselves to hope that the other would reach out. “I think you should go.” It wasn’t a suggestion. It was an order.
“You think I’ve already made my decision, don’t you?” Alex asked as her voice trembled.
“It doesn’t matter,” Olivia repeated, straightening up and regaining her full composure. “I’m making it for you right now.”
Alex nodded her head in disbelief as they both locked eyes with each other. She couldn’t argue with her and there was nothing left to say. Alex grabbed the small bag that had been brought from her apartment. Olivia just stood there by the dining room table with her hands on her hips, still staring at her. She had nothing left to give this woman. She loved her, but that wasn’t enough.
Alex walked towards the door, and before opening it, she turned around. “I know you think you’re making a decision for me, Olivia, but you’re making it based on one you think I made last night before I got here.” Alex suddenly felt like they had switched roles. Olivia was usually the one walking out after they’d had an argument. She was usually the one with the final last words. But now, it was Alex. “You think that I wanted, what was it, one last fuck session, as you so delicately put it? If that’s what you want to think, then think it, but it meant something to me being here last night. And yeah, maybe I’m not ready to dive head first into the deep end with you, but that doesn’t mean that I’m not interested or that I’m not trying to find a way towards that.”
“So what am I supposed to do, Alex? Wait? Wait for the impossible?” Olivia asked.
Alex shook her head. She opened the door but stopped before entering the hallway. She turned around and gave Olivia such a complex look that it can only be described as surrender mixed with sadness, hope mixed with disappointment, and love mixed with regret. “If you want something bad enough, Olivia, it’s never impossible.” And she walked out the door.