Fic: Olivia Can't Find Her Jutting Ribs Sexy
Ok, so this is pretty dark... Alex is struggling with anorexia in the fic. I started it as a one shot, but turned into a fic.
Title: Olivia Can't Find Her Jutting Ribs Sexy
Pairing: Alex/Olivia SVU
Rating: R
Disclamer: Dick Wolf's an ass, because he won't let Olivia come out. Oh, and he owns the SVU characters, too.
One shot/Chap 1
Alex’s cheekbones are sticking out more than usual, Olivia thinks as she watches her girlfriend sleep. When they make love, Olivia can feel bones she couldn’t before. She knows Alex is losing weight, and it worries her. Sure, she knows that most models are even skinnier; but she can’t make herself find jutting ribs sexy. Don’t get her wrong- no matter how skinny, sick, or injured; she will always find Alex exceptionally beautiful. It’s just now, when she sees the once tight pencil skirt swing from Alex’s hips; she feels a stab of pain where there used to be allure.
Chap 2
“Liv, you know I hate it when you when you watch me sleep,” Alex grumbles, half asleep.
“Sorry, sweetheart,” replies Olivia. Olivia must have been staring at Alex for over 30 minutes. She feels like a mother, watching her child die slowly. She wants so badly to protect her, but she doesn’t know how.
Trying hard not to focus on how scared she is, she wraps her arms around Alex. She wants to believe that if she just wraps her arms around Alex tightly enough, she can shield her from all the evil in the world. Nagging at her mind is the fact that Alex is a grown woman, and fiercely independent.
They doze for a few minutes, begging reality to leave them alone for a little while longer.
Alex had felt the weight of Olivia’s eyes pressing on her. Even now that Olivia is simply snoozing next to her, Olivia’s arms feel like dead weights crushing her. She can’t seem to take a breath. She lies there for a moment, panic setting in. Finally she has to move, like a swimmer who has to break the surface. She rolls out of bed and steps onto the cold bedroom floor.
“I’ll be in the shower, Liv. Ok?”
“ ’kay.”
As Alex slides down the long cobalt blue silk and lace nightgown, she catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Her bloated body repulses her. She runs her hands across her stomach, critiquing the way it protrudes. Her hands reach her thighs, and they seem impossibly wide. She thinks she looks like one of those diet as in the before picture; with fat rippling from her ribs, and thighs that curve out beyond her hips.
She runs thru a checklist in her mind of the things she needs to fix, “Let’s see, I need to lose at 20-30 pounds… my stomach is really sagging, maybe 150 sit-ups would fix it… God, I hate my thighs… they jiggle when I run, and… ewww… they touch in the middle, damn it, I shouldn’t have eaten that power bar for lunch, the apple would have been enough…”
Alex turns away from the mirror in disgust, quickly entering the shower. She turns it on as hot as it can go, desperate to wash away anything and everything. As she gets out of the shower, she steals another glance in the mirror. It’s still there, the excess fat she hates. She dresses quickly in her blue suit with a cream silk shirt. “It doesn’t flatter me at all,” she thinks, “I’ll never look like the girl in the ad.”
As she leaves the bathroom, the scent of coffee wakes her up. “No cream or sugar,” she reminds herself. She finds Olivia in the kitchen, bustling around fixing breakfast.
“Liv, I hope you aren’t making any for me, I’m having brunch with Jack,” Alex lies.
“Alright,” Olivia says with defeat in her voice.
“There’s enough coffee for me though, right?”
“Of course, Alex.”
Alex drowns the cup quickly. “Thanks Liv. See you whenever.”
“I can’t wait. Love you, Al.”
“Love you, too,” Alex says as she dashes out the door.
Chap 3
“What am I gonna do?” ponders Liv as she sits at her desk doodling. “I couldn’t bear for her to pull away from me, but it’s killing me to watch her wither away. If she only knew I’d love her no matter how she looked…” As Olivia looks down at her paper, she realizes she’s drawn Alex smiling. “Like she used to,” she thinks sadly.
The rest of the day Olivia is unfocused, constantly worrying about Alex. She replays in her mind days when Alex “just didn’t feel like eating much” or was “too tired”. “Damn it, why did it take me so long to notice,” Olivia fumes. She doesn’t end up seeing Alex at all during work. She hurries home, with tension coursing thru her body.
When she gets home, the first thing she notices is Alex’s gym bag laying on the ground. She finds Alex in their living room with all the lights off. Alex is lying on her stomach, with her feet crossed in the air. Next to her is a glass of wine and an almost empty bottle. She is so intently focused on the ballet performance on the TV; she doesn’t even notice Olivia come in. Olivia just stands there, studying Alex. After 5 minutes, Alex notices Olivia’s presence. Olivia expects her to be mad, like the last time she caught her staring.
“Liv, did you know I used to dance?” Alex asks without any anger in her voice.
“No, I didn’t,” Olivia says softy, taking a seat next to Alex on the floor.
“I started ballet when I was 5. I loved it, I really did. One of my favorite movies was The Red Shoes with Moira Shearer, I must have watched it over a hundred times,” Alex pauses checking to see if Olivia is listening to her.
“I remember, I dreamed of being Clara, the lead in The Nutcracker. But I was never good enough, never pretty enough…” Alex says quietly, tears forming in her eyes.
“Alex-” Olivia starts.
“No, I wasn’t. I remember when we were lined up and given parts; I always ended up playing a boy. I wasn’t skinny enough, you see. The oldest girls never weighed more than 120, no matter how tall… In class the teacher would come around and say how much weight each girl needed to lose. You had to be light so the guys could lift you easily, and so you had a pretty silhouette.”
“But Alex, that’s too skinny.”
“No, that’s perfect,” Alex says fiercely as she turns her head away.
It pushes Olivia over the edge. She turns Alex to face her, her hands cupping Alex’s face. “You. Are. Perfect. You can weight more than 120 pounds and be perfect.”
Alex is sobbing quietly, and biting her lip, “I’m not perfect, not at all.” At that, Alex wrenches herself out of Olivia’s arms and runs to the bathroom. Olivia hears the lock click.
“Shit,” mutters Olivia. She heads to the bathroom, trying to think how she can fix this.
“Alex? Honey, please open the door. I’m sorry, Al… I just love you so much. Please open the door… Al?”
After 10 more minutes of pleading, Olivia gives up, slumping down next to the door. Olivia doesn’t know how long she lay there before Alex opens the door. Alex’s beautiful face is red from crying, dried tears running across her checks.
“Alex,” Olivia says, as she hugs her tightly. Alex quivers in Olivia’s arms, as Olivia gently brushes the hair from her face. Olivia guides Alex to the bed, carefully laying Alex down next to her.
“Olivia, I’m not some broken toy you can fix.”
“I can’t give up on you, Al. I just can’t…”
Alex is too worn out to respond. They are both so exhausted that sleep finds them easily, with Alex cradled in Olivia’s arms.
Chap 4
The rising sun filters in through the bedroom they decorated together. Olivia reaches across the bed to enfold Alex in her arms, but her hand only finds a barely warm sheet where Alex used to be. Alex must have already left on her run.
“Alright, today I will confront Alex about her eating,” Olivia thinks, steeling herself for Alex’s denial.
Olivia doesn’t want to get out of bed, she wants to cuddle Alex. She wants to stay in the world where it is only their love and nothing else. But she can’t, because Alex isn’t here. She sighs, quickly pulling off the covers and running to the bathroom; trying to avoid the cold of morning.
When she gets out of the shower, she finds a note and an empty coffee pot.
“Liv, sorry we missed each other. I’ll be at the precinct at 2 to discuss the upcoming trial. Love you always, Alex.”
“Love you always too, Al,” Olivia says softly.
At work, Olivia is counting down the minutes until Alex comes. As she sees a flash of blonde and hears the click of heels, she smiles to herself.
“Hey Alex. How’s everything going?”
“As well as can be expected, how are you?”
“Good, thanks.”
“Alright Alex, How is Anya’s trial prep coming?” Cragen asks as he joins them.
“Fairly well. She’s still in a lot of shock, but she’s doing well considering. I think she’ll be ready by the trial. Olivia, want to review the facts?”
“Anya Denisovich, 15, sexually assaulted by her boyfriend Adam, 17. DNA evidence was a match to him. Her statement seems strong enough, though the defense will obliviously try to argue it was consensual. Anything I’ve forgotten, Alex... Alex? Alex?” Olivia’s voice becomes slightly panicked.
Alex’s head is slumped on Olivia’s desk, her eyes closed. Her breathing is slower and more strained, Olivia notes with concern.
“Alex?” Olivia tries again. Alex’s head finally shoots up, her expression slightly confused.
“Yes? Sorry, just a little tried.”
“We’ve all been there,” Cragen says with a chuckle.
“You sure you’re ok?” Olivia asks.
“Yes, I’m fine, Olivia. Really,” Alex replies with a reassuring smile. “Where were we?”
“Anything else about Anya you’ve learned in the trial prep?” helps Cragen.
“Anya said something about her mother… that her mother was very critical of her. She said she dated Adam to get away from her mother,” Alex says hesitantly.
“Do you think there is abuse from the mother?” asks Olivia.
“I don’t know, she just kept saying how her mother always put her down, made her feel worthless,” replies Alex.
“Ok Alex, I’ll check it out,” Olivia says. Olivia notes something odd about Alex’s voice, but she pushes the thought aside.
“Thanks... Everything sounds good. I’ll talk to you both more tomorrow," Alex says as she gets up from the chair. Alex is a foot away from Olivia when she loses consciousness. Luckily, Olivia manages to catch her.
“Alex!” Olivia cries out. She gently lies Alex down and signals for Cragen to call Huang over. “Alex? Can you wake up for me, honey? Please, Al?”