Fic: Monster (Chapter 11)
Title: Monster (Chapter 11)
Rating: NC-17
Notes: They are not mine. Thanks to Amanda.
Disclaimer: Here we go again. Chapter 11, nothing major, just a little something. I'm sorry it took me so long but we got a french bulldog puppy and he took up all of my time. Today I finally got to write a little. I hope you guys are still interested. Leave feedback, you know I love it :P
August, 12th
It has been a rather quiet week at SVU with only a few new cases that weren’t hard to solve to begin with, but as usual it was only the calm before the storm. A young woman, Alisha Lawrence, was raped on her way home from work. She refused a rape kit, refused to make a statement but spat a name at Olivia, telling her to get the guy.
Olivia was desperate, trying to make the woman understand that without her report they couldn’t do anything and that without the rape-kit there wouldn’t be any evidence that would help to convict him.
Alisha was crying, begging Olivia not to make her tell what happened and after two hours of trying to get the 25 year-old to talk the brunette gave up, telling Alisha to please think about it a little more, leaving her sitting in the arm chair because she needed a break. Maybe Elliot would get her to talk, after all Alisha wanted the guy put away.
“Hey, she spill” Elliot asked as he saw Olivia walking towards him.
She ran a hand through her brown locks, shaking her head no. She felt a slight pounding and rubbed her temples.
“Says it was her co-worker, guy named Jeremy Leighton but she doesn’t want to make a statement. She’s all yours, try your luck.” She walked to the coffee counter, noticing that the coffeepot was empty.
“Shit,” she grumbled.
“It’s late, Liv. I’ll go and try to talk to our victim while you get us something to eat?”
She sighed. She was indeed hungry but she was also sure that some cheap, bitter coffee would help her out for another few hours. They had two cases to take care of and she swore to herself to crack the nut that was Alisha Lawrence before the young woman had a chance to go home and wash away the evidence.
“Chinese?” Liv asked as she grabbed her thin jacket and purse, looking at Fin who was babbling away on the phone and shrugged his shoulders at her.
“Nah, how about the Italian place right around the corner, the pasta’s really good.”
She gave a nod in response and headed to the elevators, shoving her hands into the pockets of her black jacket. Suppressing a yawn she stepped in, pushing the L-button.
It was a warm summer night, the darkness slowly winning the battle against the New York summer day and Olivia was once again amazed by how fast time passed. It seemed like just yesterday when the sky was pitch-black at this time of day, when the cold and rain dominated the city.
The brunette walked the two blocks, finally reaching the restaurant called ‘Fellini’. As she entered and cast a glance through the room, noticing the restaurant was crowded with couples, lovers sharing laughter, sipping expensive wine. She walked to the reception and was greeted by a waiter, inquiring if she had a reservation.
“No,” Olivia told him. “Penne Napoli, Spaghetti forno and today’s to go.”
“It might take a while, can I offer you something to drink,” the waiter asked with a thick Italian accent.
“No thanks.”
The young man gave her a nod and put the bill onto the bar before he turned away, applying himself to another task.
Olivia rummaged through her handbag, retrieving her wallet, eventually. She put a fifty dollar note onto the bill on the counter and put away her now slender portemonnaie.
Quiet chatter filled the restaurant until a well-known laughter echoed through the room from a table in the back. Olivia immediately spun her head in the direction of the carefree tone that had now died down but still rung in her ears.
Blonde hair, black-rimmed spectacles and a smile plastered on the most beautiful face, Alex sat there, a glass of red wine in her right hand, her lower lip already touching the rim, her eyes staring into those of another blonde woman.
Before she knew it Olivia was trembling, her heart racing in an uneven pace. Her cheeks took on a shade of bright red and she could swear that the whole room would warm up from the heat radiating from her body. Fighting for air she slipped off the barstool to her feet, the weight they had to carry almost unbearable. The pain jolted through her body, reminding her how much of a mess she was still. She thought she had gotten better, but all she did was fool herself; betraying her own heart and mind, deluding her psyche so she could work, eat, sleep and think.
The walls crumbled, the curtain that shielded her eyes from seeing what was really going on fell and left her staring at the picture that was reality. Alex had moved on, she was not shattered, she was not sad. In fact she looked happy and balanced, something Olivia hadn’t seen for what seemed like an eternity.
Sipping from her glass Alex dragged her eyes off of her date to let them wander through the restaurant. She almost choked when she saw Olivia starring at her, the most distressed look on her face she had ever seen. She put the glass down and coughed slightly, blinking a few times to make sure the detective was not a Fata Morgana. Deep brown eyes pierced dodger blues for long seconds.
Olivia thought she might collapse, her body was hot and heavy, her brain foggy. The smile on Alex’s face had died and was replaced by an expression of shock and uneasiness. The brunette noticed how her eyes were watering up, ready to spill all the tears she hadn’t allowed to fall for the last few weeks. She couldn’t do this, couldn’t watch Alex with someone else. With a sharp intake of breath she turned around, rushing towards the exit. The waiter turned around, confusion obvious in his eyes he shouted “Hey, don’t forget your food,” at her.
Alex watched her scurry outside and her hand came to rest on her lap. Olivia’s pain was evident on her face, in her body language. She had never meant for Olivia to see her on a date, see her with someone else. There were god-knows how many restaurants in Manhattan and Olivia walked into the one she had asked her date to dine at.
Alex took a breather before she rose to her feet.
“Excuse me for a minute, Adele,” she said with a forced smile. The other blonde nodded her head and Alex walked to the restroom, closing the door behind her. Pacing to the vanity basins she closed her eyes for a split second before she looked in the mirror. She ran a hand through her hair, standing stiffly in the chilly room, wondering if she should have walked after Olivia to talk to her, to explain when actually she didn’t have to clear herself.
Olivia walked back to the precinct, consumed by jealousy, pain and misery. She had never expected to see Alex there far less to see her out on a date. Of course she knew that there was a possibility of her ex-girlfriend dating again. Someday. She hadn’t seen it coming this soon. What hurt the most was to see Alex happy. She was not hung up, obviously not struggling to keep her life on track. Alex had simply moved on without closure. Or maybe she found closure the second she found out about Moss.
She felt herself getting angry at herself and at Alex. Three years, three pretty good years when you don’t count the last four months of their relationship, should be harder to get over. Alex was not supposed to start dating again and Olivia was not supposed to hurt so much over this. Of course she was selfish to have hoped that she had spoiled Alex for everyone else; that once she had her claws hooked into the blonde ADA she would never be able to free herself and move on to another lover.
As she entered the squad room she saw Alisha Lawrence walking away from Elliot’s desk.
Stabler offered Olivia an apologetic smile and shrugged his shoulders. The young woman hadn’t talked and was ready to go home.
“Are you seriously leaving? You don’t want to report him?” Olivia asked in disbelief.
“I can’t do this. I will lose my job if he walks.”
“Fine.” Olivia’s voice was high pitched, she was agitated enough after seeing Alex. “But if you keep protecting him and it happens again don’t complain cause you were asking for it!”
Alisha stared at the Detective wide eyed as Cragen’s voice cut through Olivia’s thoughts.
“Olivia, my office now. Elliot, you will accompany Miss Lawrence home.”
Elliot gave a silent nod and walked over to them. Olivia looked at the woman in front of her and closed her eyes mumbling an apology before she followed Cragen into his office.
“What the hell was that?” her Captain barked at her as soon as she had closed the door.
“I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know it’s not her fault. I just don’t understand why she’s protecting him. She knows who he is, it’s a sure thing and still she doesn’t want to turn him in.”
Don walked behind his desk and sat down in his office chair.
“Well, that is her choice to make. If you pull something like that again…,” he started but was cut off.
“I’m in over my head, I can’t do my job properly anymore and it’s not like I didn’t realize it. It just doesn’t matter to me anymore,” she whispered. “I want to quit.”
Cragen’s eyes met hers in silent understanding. He nodded his head.
“Olivia, I understand where you’re coming from. I’ve been there. Don’t walk away from this job.”
Her gaze fell to the floor as she shrugged her shoulders.
“I just can’t do this anymore. It’s not the first time I’ve fucked up, Captain. I shot Elliot because I was not focused. It was a sure shot and I… I fucked it up and risked my partner’s life.”
Cragen folded his hands, never tearing his eyes off of her.
“I know that. I know you too well for Elliot to tell me you tried your luck when you couldn’t get a clear shot.”
She straightened and looked up at him.
“So why am I still here?”
“Because I know that the separation didn’t make you a bad cop. This is still your game; you’re still one of my best detectives. You haven’t lost it Olivia, it’s still in you. You just have to give it time.”
“I can’t do this right now,” she whispered with tears in her eyes. It was the first time she admitted defeat, admitted that she was not invincible.
“This is what we’ll do: you will take a leave of absence. I’ll give you two months to find out what you want. If you still think you want to quit after that I will let you go without a fight. But don’t shut the door right now, Olivia.”
A thick silence settled between the Captain and his detective as they just looked at each other for reassurance. After a while Olivia nodded in agreement.
“Thanks Captain,” she said softly. “But just in case I won’t come back, can you please tell the guys that I’m gone for good? I don’t want them to try and talk me into anything.”
“If that’s what you want I will tell them that.”
She nodded, brushing the back of her hand over her cheeks.
“In case Elliot worries tell him I’m okay. I’ll leave New York for a while and try to get my head free.”
“Any idea where you’re going to go?”
“Alex and I bought a cabin two years ago. I think that’s where I want to be right now. No people, no shops… just me.”
Cragen rose to his feet and walked closer towards the brunette detective.
“Take your time, Olivia.” A sad smile settled on his face as she felt his arms around her slim body, pulling her into a hug.
She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. She had always known that Cragen cared about her and he knew this situation all too well. He himself had lost his wife years ago and had become an alcoholic. Olivia was aware that he held on to his job as if it was a lifeboat and she had done the same for as long as she could but she knew that she had to be alone, that she couldn’t do her job anymore, at least not with a good conscience.
After a while Cragen let go of Olivia and she smiled at him, nodding her head before she left his office and started to clear her desk.
“What ya doing, Liv,” Fin asked in disbelief.
She didn’t turn to look at him, instead took the framed picture of Alex off her desk and put it into her handbag.
“I quit, Fin.”
He got up and walked over to her.
“What you sayin’? You can’t quit, girl. What’s going on?”
She took a breather and now faced her fellow detective.
“You know what’s going on Fin. I’m not doing my job like I’m supposed to. So I can either stay and wait until Cragen fires me for the next screw up or I can walk away before anything worse happens,” she told him. “Fin, I think I never thanked you for the support of the last months. It means a lot.”
He shook his head.
“Can’t believe you really want to leave us, Liv. You sure that’s the right decision?”
She nodded her head and flashed a weak smile at him.
“Yeah, I think it’s the best thing for everyone involved right now. You will have an eye on Elliot, won’t you?”
“Sure thing,” he agreed, knowing exactly what she meant.
“Tell him I’ll give him a call when I’m ready.”
She had packed the few private belongings she had at work and pulled Fin into a short hug.
“I’ll miss you guys”, she whispered against the fabric of his shirt before she pulled away. “Bye Fin.”
She took her handbag and walked away, out of the squad room and into the unknown. As she arrived at her apartment she started to pack her suitcase; underwear and comfortable clothes, running shoes and toiletries. She wasn’t sure if they left towels the last time they went up, so she packed five of them just to be sure. She would rent a car the next morning; get some groceries and then go up to Saxton.
Olivia got her purse and opened it, fumbling in the pockets for the key until she retrieved it.
She looked at it for a while, remembering how much Alex wanted that Cabin in Saxton.
Olivia stumbled into the cabin as Alex held the door open. The brunette balanced two heavy grocery bags, one in each arm, Alex’s handbag in her mouth, held by only her teeth.
“Ahhecs, could you hepp me,” Liv mumbled, trying to not to drop the bag in her left arm. It was getting heavier and she wondered what the fuck her girlfriend read on the shopping list she gave her, because if she remembered correctly they only needed potatoes and milk.
“Just a second baby, I need to close the trunk.”
“You cank closh the trunk now caush I’m awout to drof everyching!”
“What,” Alex asked as she rushed back to the car.
In that moment the bag fell to the floor and Olivia could hear glass shatter. At least she had a free hand now. She took the handbag and dropped it to the floor looking at Alex.
“I said I’m about to drop everything.”
Alex looked at her, innocent like a little school girl. “Ooops. Sorry babe.”
Alexandra looked adorable in her white summer dress, her blonde locks danced slightly in the warm breeze and Olivia was once again amazed by the beautiful woman she could call her own. It was Alex’s idea to rent a cabin close to the Catskill Mountains for their two week vacation and although Olivia was not too eager about going she had to admit that it was a beautiful place. It was peaceful and quiet; fifteen minutes drive to town and far and wide no other houses in sight. Apart from that there was no cell phone reception which was the only thing that pissed Olivia off, because she couldn’t call Elliot and ask how the case was going, which pleased Alex. She didn’t want to hear anything about work. It was their first vacation together and she wanted Olivia to herself.
Alex closed the trunk and paced to Olivia’s side, picking up the paper bag and followed her girlfriend into the small kitchen.
“You cleared the whole supermarket, huh?”
“No, I just figured we need more than potatoes and milk.” Alex argued.
“Like?”
“Like toast, tea, coffee, veggies…,” Alex offered.
“We would have been fine, Alex.”
“If I had to eat cheerios one more day, believe me I would have killed myself. So today we can have a proper breakfast and tonight I’ll cook,” Alex said with a smile on her face.
Olivia looked at Alex, an amused smile playing around her lips.
“What,” the blonde asked appalled. “I can cook.”
“I never said you couldn’t,” Liv said, trying not to laugh out loud. Alex had cooked for her once and it was marginal to say the least.
“I can hear that undertone, Olivia,” she warned.
Olivia smiled sweetly and wrapped her arms around her girlfriend from behind, pressing her body against Alex’s. Her breasts brushed against Alex’s back, her nipples stiffening immediately.
“You smell good,” the brunette whispered into the blonde’s ear. Alex bit her lower lip as her girlfriends breath hit her ear, causing her to tremble.
“Do I?”
“Hmm, you do”, Liv whispered, running her hands up her torso. Her right hand cupped Alex’s breast, squeezing softly and she pressed her lips against the blonde’s neck as a moan fell from her girlfriend’s lips.
Olivia felt Alex’s hand on the right side of her hip, felt how the blonde pressed herself harder against her body as she nibbled on her neck, before the ADA rocked back and forth against her, teasing the brunette.
The detective felt the wetness claiming her pussy, felt her clit pulsing, driven by lust and want. Olivia’s left hand wandered lower, brushed the waistband of Alex’s string, her fingers dancing around the fabric that was covered by the chiffon dress. The blonde’s abdominal muscles were twitching slightly and Olivia giggled into her girlfriend’s soft skin when she felt the ADA’s hand wrapping around her wrist, pushing it further down, between her legs so the brunette could feel the hot dampness emitting from there.
Alex had her eyes closed and only opened them when she heard Olivia whisper “You want me to fuck you,” into her ear, the lasciviousness dying down slowly.
“I’d love that but I think we should take care of the pool of oil first.”
“Huh,” Liv asked and looked over Alex’s shoulder when she saw the table covered in oil that was already dripping down to the floor.
“Damn it,” she hissed under her breath, letting go of her girlfriend. “I’ll get the washcloth.”
“Yeah, I thought so”, Alex said and carefully took the bag and put it into the sink to prevent further chaos.
Hours later both women lay in bed tangled up in each other, both on their sides, blue eyes staring into brown ones. Alex caressed Olivia’s cheek, tucking a strand of hair behind the brunette’s ear, smiling as she saw the beads of sweat on her girlfriend’s forehead.
“You’re so beautiful,” the blonde whispered, running her index finger over Liv’s lower lip.
“So are you,” Olivia told her with a content smile. They had just finished making love, both still caught in the bliss of the afterglow.
“You know, Mrs. Warrington wants to sell this place.”
“Uh-huh.”
“It’s nice here, isn’t it,” Alex asked her girlfriend.
“Yes, of course it is.”
Alex scooted closer to Olivia, pressing a soft kiss onto her lips.
“I thought we could buy it.”
“Wait,” Olivia said and sat up, looking down at Alex. She loved the blonde but in moments like that she wondered if she was out of her mind.
“What? It’s a beautiful place Liv, you said so yourself.”
“Yes, of course it’s beautiful but the last thing we need is a Cabin at the back of beyond!”
“Olivia, you are the type of woman that like the back of beyond!”
“We don’t have the money,” the brunette argued. “Or the time.”
Alex sat up, too, pulling the blanket over her body to cover herself up.
“We do have the money and we can take the time.” Her voice was high pitched and the anger was evident in both her face and words.
Olivia was in no mood to argue especially not after two rounds of amazing sex but buying this cabin was a stupid idea and the detective swore to herself not to let those blue eyes and those pouty lips sway her.
“Alex, this is a bad idea. We can’t buy it, no matter how beautiful and perfect it is. We would come here once a year and everything would be covered in dust. We’d spend more time to clean everything than to relax. And stop that! Don’t look at me like that, it won’t help you. Not this time.”
“Mrs. Warrington offered to stop by and clean it every once in a while,” Alex told her.
“Oh my god, I can’t believe you! You already told her we’d buy it, didn’t you?”
Alex sighed and rolled her eyes at Liv.
“No, I didn’t, but maybe I should. I mean I like it here. I can totally buy this cabin and if you don’t like it you don’t have to come up with me when I decide to spend my vacation here.”
“You’re being unfair, Alex. We’re a couple, we should make these decisions together,” Olivia told her as she got off the bed and rose to her feet, picking up her panties.
“I just don’t think we will come to an agreement when I want the one thing and you want the other. I’m not doing this to hurt you, Olivia. I just really love this place and we’re having such a good time. Why not making sure that we can have this forever before someone else comes around and buys it?”
Olivia dressed her panties and put on a tank top before she leaned against the doorframe.
She ran a hand through her already mussed hair and looked at Alex for long seconds before she spoke.
“You can’t always make decisions without asking me.”
“I asked you! I just asked you, Olivia. Didn’t I?”
“Yes, but it doesn’t matter what I say because you do what you want anyway.”
“That’s not true, it’s just,” she started before she stopped, watching Olivia leave the room.
“Liv, come back. Olivia, please!” She sighed and pushed the blanket away, crawling out of bed herself, following her girlfriend to the kitchen.
“Liv,” she asked carefully, trying to find out if the brunette was mad at her.
“Not now, Alex. Gimme a minute.” Olivia got a bottle of water from the fridge and took a few sips, staring at anything but Alex.
“I’m sorry. You’re right, you should have a say in this,” Alex said quietly. “Please don’t be mad?”
Olivia looked at the blonde for a long while before she smiled at her. “Come here.”
The brunette knew that it wasn’t easy for Alex to apologize. They were both stubborn and had a hard time giving in. It meant a lot to Liv to know that Alex was ready to let something else go to show Olivia what was more important to her.
Alex paced to Olivia’s side who pulled her into a love embrace and kissed her cheek.
“I love you,” the brunette Detective whispered.
“Love you, too.”
“And about this little investment… let’s talk about that tomorrow, okay,” Olivia suggested, ready to take a step into the right direction.
Alex nodded. “Okay.”
As Olivia drifted back into reality and noticed the key that had fallen onto the hardwood floor she sighed. Her cheeks were covered in tears and she hadn’t even realized that she was crying until she scratched her cheek. She would give everything to go back once again, to be there with Alex and relive the past. Saxton was the perfect place to mourn her loss, and maybe, just maybe it was the right place to start over again.
Rating: NC-17
Notes: They are not mine. Thanks to Amanda.
Disclaimer: Here we go again. Chapter 11, nothing major, just a little something. I'm sorry it took me so long but we got a french bulldog puppy and he took up all of my time. Today I finally got to write a little. I hope you guys are still interested. Leave feedback, you know I love it :P
August, 12th
It has been a rather quiet week at SVU with only a few new cases that weren’t hard to solve to begin with, but as usual it was only the calm before the storm. A young woman, Alisha Lawrence, was raped on her way home from work. She refused a rape kit, refused to make a statement but spat a name at Olivia, telling her to get the guy.
Olivia was desperate, trying to make the woman understand that without her report they couldn’t do anything and that without the rape-kit there wouldn’t be any evidence that would help to convict him.
Alisha was crying, begging Olivia not to make her tell what happened and after two hours of trying to get the 25 year-old to talk the brunette gave up, telling Alisha to please think about it a little more, leaving her sitting in the arm chair because she needed a break. Maybe Elliot would get her to talk, after all Alisha wanted the guy put away.
“Hey, she spill” Elliot asked as he saw Olivia walking towards him.
She ran a hand through her brown locks, shaking her head no. She felt a slight pounding and rubbed her temples.
“Says it was her co-worker, guy named Jeremy Leighton but she doesn’t want to make a statement. She’s all yours, try your luck.” She walked to the coffee counter, noticing that the coffeepot was empty.
“Shit,” she grumbled.
“It’s late, Liv. I’ll go and try to talk to our victim while you get us something to eat?”
She sighed. She was indeed hungry but she was also sure that some cheap, bitter coffee would help her out for another few hours. They had two cases to take care of and she swore to herself to crack the nut that was Alisha Lawrence before the young woman had a chance to go home and wash away the evidence.
“Chinese?” Liv asked as she grabbed her thin jacket and purse, looking at Fin who was babbling away on the phone and shrugged his shoulders at her.
“Nah, how about the Italian place right around the corner, the pasta’s really good.”
She gave a nod in response and headed to the elevators, shoving her hands into the pockets of her black jacket. Suppressing a yawn she stepped in, pushing the L-button.
It was a warm summer night, the darkness slowly winning the battle against the New York summer day and Olivia was once again amazed by how fast time passed. It seemed like just yesterday when the sky was pitch-black at this time of day, when the cold and rain dominated the city.
The brunette walked the two blocks, finally reaching the restaurant called ‘Fellini’. As she entered and cast a glance through the room, noticing the restaurant was crowded with couples, lovers sharing laughter, sipping expensive wine. She walked to the reception and was greeted by a waiter, inquiring if she had a reservation.
“No,” Olivia told him. “Penne Napoli, Spaghetti forno and today’s to go.”
“It might take a while, can I offer you something to drink,” the waiter asked with a thick Italian accent.
“No thanks.”
The young man gave her a nod and put the bill onto the bar before he turned away, applying himself to another task.
Olivia rummaged through her handbag, retrieving her wallet, eventually. She put a fifty dollar note onto the bill on the counter and put away her now slender portemonnaie.
Quiet chatter filled the restaurant until a well-known laughter echoed through the room from a table in the back. Olivia immediately spun her head in the direction of the carefree tone that had now died down but still rung in her ears.
Blonde hair, black-rimmed spectacles and a smile plastered on the most beautiful face, Alex sat there, a glass of red wine in her right hand, her lower lip already touching the rim, her eyes staring into those of another blonde woman.
Before she knew it Olivia was trembling, her heart racing in an uneven pace. Her cheeks took on a shade of bright red and she could swear that the whole room would warm up from the heat radiating from her body. Fighting for air she slipped off the barstool to her feet, the weight they had to carry almost unbearable. The pain jolted through her body, reminding her how much of a mess she was still. She thought she had gotten better, but all she did was fool herself; betraying her own heart and mind, deluding her psyche so she could work, eat, sleep and think.
The walls crumbled, the curtain that shielded her eyes from seeing what was really going on fell and left her staring at the picture that was reality. Alex had moved on, she was not shattered, she was not sad. In fact she looked happy and balanced, something Olivia hadn’t seen for what seemed like an eternity.
Sipping from her glass Alex dragged her eyes off of her date to let them wander through the restaurant. She almost choked when she saw Olivia starring at her, the most distressed look on her face she had ever seen. She put the glass down and coughed slightly, blinking a few times to make sure the detective was not a Fata Morgana. Deep brown eyes pierced dodger blues for long seconds.
Olivia thought she might collapse, her body was hot and heavy, her brain foggy. The smile on Alex’s face had died and was replaced by an expression of shock and uneasiness. The brunette noticed how her eyes were watering up, ready to spill all the tears she hadn’t allowed to fall for the last few weeks. She couldn’t do this, couldn’t watch Alex with someone else. With a sharp intake of breath she turned around, rushing towards the exit. The waiter turned around, confusion obvious in his eyes he shouted “Hey, don’t forget your food,” at her.
Alex watched her scurry outside and her hand came to rest on her lap. Olivia’s pain was evident on her face, in her body language. She had never meant for Olivia to see her on a date, see her with someone else. There were god-knows how many restaurants in Manhattan and Olivia walked into the one she had asked her date to dine at.
Alex took a breather before she rose to her feet.
“Excuse me for a minute, Adele,” she said with a forced smile. The other blonde nodded her head and Alex walked to the restroom, closing the door behind her. Pacing to the vanity basins she closed her eyes for a split second before she looked in the mirror. She ran a hand through her hair, standing stiffly in the chilly room, wondering if she should have walked after Olivia to talk to her, to explain when actually she didn’t have to clear herself.
Olivia walked back to the precinct, consumed by jealousy, pain and misery. She had never expected to see Alex there far less to see her out on a date. Of course she knew that there was a possibility of her ex-girlfriend dating again. Someday. She hadn’t seen it coming this soon. What hurt the most was to see Alex happy. She was not hung up, obviously not struggling to keep her life on track. Alex had simply moved on without closure. Or maybe she found closure the second she found out about Moss.
She felt herself getting angry at herself and at Alex. Three years, three pretty good years when you don’t count the last four months of their relationship, should be harder to get over. Alex was not supposed to start dating again and Olivia was not supposed to hurt so much over this. Of course she was selfish to have hoped that she had spoiled Alex for everyone else; that once she had her claws hooked into the blonde ADA she would never be able to free herself and move on to another lover.
As she entered the squad room she saw Alisha Lawrence walking away from Elliot’s desk.
Stabler offered Olivia an apologetic smile and shrugged his shoulders. The young woman hadn’t talked and was ready to go home.
“Are you seriously leaving? You don’t want to report him?” Olivia asked in disbelief.
“I can’t do this. I will lose my job if he walks.”
“Fine.” Olivia’s voice was high pitched, she was agitated enough after seeing Alex. “But if you keep protecting him and it happens again don’t complain cause you were asking for it!”
Alisha stared at the Detective wide eyed as Cragen’s voice cut through Olivia’s thoughts.
“Olivia, my office now. Elliot, you will accompany Miss Lawrence home.”
Elliot gave a silent nod and walked over to them. Olivia looked at the woman in front of her and closed her eyes mumbling an apology before she followed Cragen into his office.
“What the hell was that?” her Captain barked at her as soon as she had closed the door.
“I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t have said that to her, I know it’s not her fault. I just don’t understand why she’s protecting him. She knows who he is, it’s a sure thing and still she doesn’t want to turn him in.”
Don walked behind his desk and sat down in his office chair.
“Well, that is her choice to make. If you pull something like that again…,” he started but was cut off.
“I’m in over my head, I can’t do my job properly anymore and it’s not like I didn’t realize it. It just doesn’t matter to me anymore,” she whispered. “I want to quit.”
Cragen’s eyes met hers in silent understanding. He nodded his head.
“Olivia, I understand where you’re coming from. I’ve been there. Don’t walk away from this job.”
Her gaze fell to the floor as she shrugged her shoulders.
“I just can’t do this anymore. It’s not the first time I’ve fucked up, Captain. I shot Elliot because I was not focused. It was a sure shot and I… I fucked it up and risked my partner’s life.”
Cragen folded his hands, never tearing his eyes off of her.
“I know that. I know you too well for Elliot to tell me you tried your luck when you couldn’t get a clear shot.”
She straightened and looked up at him.
“So why am I still here?”
“Because I know that the separation didn’t make you a bad cop. This is still your game; you’re still one of my best detectives. You haven’t lost it Olivia, it’s still in you. You just have to give it time.”
“I can’t do this right now,” she whispered with tears in her eyes. It was the first time she admitted defeat, admitted that she was not invincible.
“This is what we’ll do: you will take a leave of absence. I’ll give you two months to find out what you want. If you still think you want to quit after that I will let you go without a fight. But don’t shut the door right now, Olivia.”
A thick silence settled between the Captain and his detective as they just looked at each other for reassurance. After a while Olivia nodded in agreement.
“Thanks Captain,” she said softly. “But just in case I won’t come back, can you please tell the guys that I’m gone for good? I don’t want them to try and talk me into anything.”
“If that’s what you want I will tell them that.”
She nodded, brushing the back of her hand over her cheeks.
“In case Elliot worries tell him I’m okay. I’ll leave New York for a while and try to get my head free.”
“Any idea where you’re going to go?”
“Alex and I bought a cabin two years ago. I think that’s where I want to be right now. No people, no shops… just me.”
Cragen rose to his feet and walked closer towards the brunette detective.
“Take your time, Olivia.” A sad smile settled on his face as she felt his arms around her slim body, pulling her into a hug.
She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. She had always known that Cragen cared about her and he knew this situation all too well. He himself had lost his wife years ago and had become an alcoholic. Olivia was aware that he held on to his job as if it was a lifeboat and she had done the same for as long as she could but she knew that she had to be alone, that she couldn’t do her job anymore, at least not with a good conscience.
After a while Cragen let go of Olivia and she smiled at him, nodding her head before she left his office and started to clear her desk.
“What ya doing, Liv,” Fin asked in disbelief.
She didn’t turn to look at him, instead took the framed picture of Alex off her desk and put it into her handbag.
“I quit, Fin.”
He got up and walked over to her.
“What you sayin’? You can’t quit, girl. What’s going on?”
She took a breather and now faced her fellow detective.
“You know what’s going on Fin. I’m not doing my job like I’m supposed to. So I can either stay and wait until Cragen fires me for the next screw up or I can walk away before anything worse happens,” she told him. “Fin, I think I never thanked you for the support of the last months. It means a lot.”
He shook his head.
“Can’t believe you really want to leave us, Liv. You sure that’s the right decision?”
She nodded her head and flashed a weak smile at him.
“Yeah, I think it’s the best thing for everyone involved right now. You will have an eye on Elliot, won’t you?”
“Sure thing,” he agreed, knowing exactly what she meant.
“Tell him I’ll give him a call when I’m ready.”
She had packed the few private belongings she had at work and pulled Fin into a short hug.
“I’ll miss you guys”, she whispered against the fabric of his shirt before she pulled away. “Bye Fin.”
She took her handbag and walked away, out of the squad room and into the unknown. As she arrived at her apartment she started to pack her suitcase; underwear and comfortable clothes, running shoes and toiletries. She wasn’t sure if they left towels the last time they went up, so she packed five of them just to be sure. She would rent a car the next morning; get some groceries and then go up to Saxton.
Olivia got her purse and opened it, fumbling in the pockets for the key until she retrieved it.
She looked at it for a while, remembering how much Alex wanted that Cabin in Saxton.
Olivia stumbled into the cabin as Alex held the door open. The brunette balanced two heavy grocery bags, one in each arm, Alex’s handbag in her mouth, held by only her teeth.
“Ahhecs, could you hepp me,” Liv mumbled, trying to not to drop the bag in her left arm. It was getting heavier and she wondered what the fuck her girlfriend read on the shopping list she gave her, because if she remembered correctly they only needed potatoes and milk.
“Just a second baby, I need to close the trunk.”
“You cank closh the trunk now caush I’m awout to drof everyching!”
“What,” Alex asked as she rushed back to the car.
In that moment the bag fell to the floor and Olivia could hear glass shatter. At least she had a free hand now. She took the handbag and dropped it to the floor looking at Alex.
“I said I’m about to drop everything.”
Alex looked at her, innocent like a little school girl. “Ooops. Sorry babe.”
Alexandra looked adorable in her white summer dress, her blonde locks danced slightly in the warm breeze and Olivia was once again amazed by the beautiful woman she could call her own. It was Alex’s idea to rent a cabin close to the Catskill Mountains for their two week vacation and although Olivia was not too eager about going she had to admit that it was a beautiful place. It was peaceful and quiet; fifteen minutes drive to town and far and wide no other houses in sight. Apart from that there was no cell phone reception which was the only thing that pissed Olivia off, because she couldn’t call Elliot and ask how the case was going, which pleased Alex. She didn’t want to hear anything about work. It was their first vacation together and she wanted Olivia to herself.
Alex closed the trunk and paced to Olivia’s side, picking up the paper bag and followed her girlfriend into the small kitchen.
“You cleared the whole supermarket, huh?”
“No, I just figured we need more than potatoes and milk.” Alex argued.
“Like?”
“Like toast, tea, coffee, veggies…,” Alex offered.
“We would have been fine, Alex.”
“If I had to eat cheerios one more day, believe me I would have killed myself. So today we can have a proper breakfast and tonight I’ll cook,” Alex said with a smile on her face.
Olivia looked at Alex, an amused smile playing around her lips.
“What,” the blonde asked appalled. “I can cook.”
“I never said you couldn’t,” Liv said, trying not to laugh out loud. Alex had cooked for her once and it was marginal to say the least.
“I can hear that undertone, Olivia,” she warned.
Olivia smiled sweetly and wrapped her arms around her girlfriend from behind, pressing her body against Alex’s. Her breasts brushed against Alex’s back, her nipples stiffening immediately.
“You smell good,” the brunette whispered into the blonde’s ear. Alex bit her lower lip as her girlfriends breath hit her ear, causing her to tremble.
“Do I?”
“Hmm, you do”, Liv whispered, running her hands up her torso. Her right hand cupped Alex’s breast, squeezing softly and she pressed her lips against the blonde’s neck as a moan fell from her girlfriend’s lips.
Olivia felt Alex’s hand on the right side of her hip, felt how the blonde pressed herself harder against her body as she nibbled on her neck, before the ADA rocked back and forth against her, teasing the brunette.
The detective felt the wetness claiming her pussy, felt her clit pulsing, driven by lust and want. Olivia’s left hand wandered lower, brushed the waistband of Alex’s string, her fingers dancing around the fabric that was covered by the chiffon dress. The blonde’s abdominal muscles were twitching slightly and Olivia giggled into her girlfriend’s soft skin when she felt the ADA’s hand wrapping around her wrist, pushing it further down, between her legs so the brunette could feel the hot dampness emitting from there.
Alex had her eyes closed and only opened them when she heard Olivia whisper “You want me to fuck you,” into her ear, the lasciviousness dying down slowly.
“I’d love that but I think we should take care of the pool of oil first.”
“Huh,” Liv asked and looked over Alex’s shoulder when she saw the table covered in oil that was already dripping down to the floor.
“Damn it,” she hissed under her breath, letting go of her girlfriend. “I’ll get the washcloth.”
“Yeah, I thought so”, Alex said and carefully took the bag and put it into the sink to prevent further chaos.
Hours later both women lay in bed tangled up in each other, both on their sides, blue eyes staring into brown ones. Alex caressed Olivia’s cheek, tucking a strand of hair behind the brunette’s ear, smiling as she saw the beads of sweat on her girlfriend’s forehead.
“You’re so beautiful,” the blonde whispered, running her index finger over Liv’s lower lip.
“So are you,” Olivia told her with a content smile. They had just finished making love, both still caught in the bliss of the afterglow.
“You know, Mrs. Warrington wants to sell this place.”
“Uh-huh.”
“It’s nice here, isn’t it,” Alex asked her girlfriend.
“Yes, of course it is.”
Alex scooted closer to Olivia, pressing a soft kiss onto her lips.
“I thought we could buy it.”
“Wait,” Olivia said and sat up, looking down at Alex. She loved the blonde but in moments like that she wondered if she was out of her mind.
“What? It’s a beautiful place Liv, you said so yourself.”
“Yes, of course it’s beautiful but the last thing we need is a Cabin at the back of beyond!”
“Olivia, you are the type of woman that like the back of beyond!”
“We don’t have the money,” the brunette argued. “Or the time.”
Alex sat up, too, pulling the blanket over her body to cover herself up.
“We do have the money and we can take the time.” Her voice was high pitched and the anger was evident in both her face and words.
Olivia was in no mood to argue especially not after two rounds of amazing sex but buying this cabin was a stupid idea and the detective swore to herself not to let those blue eyes and those pouty lips sway her.
“Alex, this is a bad idea. We can’t buy it, no matter how beautiful and perfect it is. We would come here once a year and everything would be covered in dust. We’d spend more time to clean everything than to relax. And stop that! Don’t look at me like that, it won’t help you. Not this time.”
“Mrs. Warrington offered to stop by and clean it every once in a while,” Alex told her.
“Oh my god, I can’t believe you! You already told her we’d buy it, didn’t you?”
Alex sighed and rolled her eyes at Liv.
“No, I didn’t, but maybe I should. I mean I like it here. I can totally buy this cabin and if you don’t like it you don’t have to come up with me when I decide to spend my vacation here.”
“You’re being unfair, Alex. We’re a couple, we should make these decisions together,” Olivia told her as she got off the bed and rose to her feet, picking up her panties.
“I just don’t think we will come to an agreement when I want the one thing and you want the other. I’m not doing this to hurt you, Olivia. I just really love this place and we’re having such a good time. Why not making sure that we can have this forever before someone else comes around and buys it?”
Olivia dressed her panties and put on a tank top before she leaned against the doorframe.
She ran a hand through her already mussed hair and looked at Alex for long seconds before she spoke.
“You can’t always make decisions without asking me.”
“I asked you! I just asked you, Olivia. Didn’t I?”
“Yes, but it doesn’t matter what I say because you do what you want anyway.”
“That’s not true, it’s just,” she started before she stopped, watching Olivia leave the room.
“Liv, come back. Olivia, please!” She sighed and pushed the blanket away, crawling out of bed herself, following her girlfriend to the kitchen.
“Liv,” she asked carefully, trying to find out if the brunette was mad at her.
“Not now, Alex. Gimme a minute.” Olivia got a bottle of water from the fridge and took a few sips, staring at anything but Alex.
“I’m sorry. You’re right, you should have a say in this,” Alex said quietly. “Please don’t be mad?”
Olivia looked at the blonde for a long while before she smiled at her. “Come here.”
The brunette knew that it wasn’t easy for Alex to apologize. They were both stubborn and had a hard time giving in. It meant a lot to Liv to know that Alex was ready to let something else go to show Olivia what was more important to her.
Alex paced to Olivia’s side who pulled her into a love embrace and kissed her cheek.
“I love you,” the brunette Detective whispered.
“Love you, too.”
“And about this little investment… let’s talk about that tomorrow, okay,” Olivia suggested, ready to take a step into the right direction.
Alex nodded. “Okay.”
As Olivia drifted back into reality and noticed the key that had fallen onto the hardwood floor she sighed. Her cheeks were covered in tears and she hadn’t even realized that she was crying until she scratched her cheek. She would give everything to go back once again, to be there with Alex and relive the past. Saxton was the perfect place to mourn her loss, and maybe, just maybe it was the right place to start over again.