LJIdol 9.14 - Confessions from the Chair
Nobody's quite sure who coined the phrase "It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt." I've heard it attributed to Mark Twain, Abraham Lincoln and Maurice Switzer. I'm a big fan of the idea because it's helped shape my social behaviour a lot 'cause I've come to realize I'm nowhere near as clever or witty as I'd like to think I am.
There's a similar, if more applicable bit of wisdom to be found in the Bible, an unlikely source of wisdom for me given my contented agnosticism but it's hard to argue when a thing sounds right:
Proverbs 17:28 "Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." (NIV)
See, I've been taking classes at the local university here in Sweden and since the classes are all in Swedish and I am not a native Swedish speaker... well... it's kind of a thing. But the fun thing about a college-level class is that if you shut the fuck up, people just assume you understand what's going on. Heck, I had a couple folks assume I was an accredited teacher from the States who knew what he was doing just because I seemed together enough that it might be the case. I mean, sure, it's also a class generally meant for teachers but there's a part of me that's all kinds of stoked that I could pass for someone who knew what was up.
And, look, being fair to myself, I generally do understand what's going on but there are times when my attention wavers either because I'm very easily distracted or because the jargon gets a little intense. Which, y'know, isn't too bad. I imagine that's just what it's like being at a college level. It's been about a decade since I was at that level, so...
Kind of a funny story, actually. I wanted to sign up for classes to be a high school teacher (with a focus on teaching the English language since oh WOW do I got a leg up on any Swede who wants that class 'cause I'm a native speaker) with a class in Swedish as a Second Language as my second choice, figuring that if nothing else, I could spend some time making sure my expressive facilities were at least brushing up against a college level before I went in. I've taken the basic levels but, well, stuff gets a bit more intense the more you're expected to know.
Teacher program didn't work out; too many people applying, too few spots. Which is a good thing since there's a teacher shortage here in Sweden, so whatever. Figured I'd to this other class and go attack the teaching class the next year (which is to say: this fall) with a better understanding of the language.
Turned out it was actually a class labeled as Swedish as a Second Language to teach people how to teach Swedish as a Second Language.
So... a little of both worlds? The first term was just a layout of a lot of the basics of the language, subject/verb placement, conjugation, that sorta thing, interspaced with discussions on the dominant language-learning theory. The second half, though--that is to say, the half I just finished--has been about applying that theory in a practical way.
And, y'all, I don't know if you know this but teaching is INTENSE.
The problem comes when it's time for group projects, as will come up from time to time if only to make things a little less awful for the teachers (and, hey, getting to avoid making me do things over again because my Swedish is, erm, a bit eccentric yet) and a little less monotonous for the students. Little things like classroom discussions, how to make worksheets, how to structure lessons and the like. Just to give everyone in the class a chance to understand the material in different ways.
But as we learn, so must we do and I gotta say, the toughest part of it all was the group work.
I have a lot of emotional reactions to group work, most of them coming from Back In The Day when I was interested in getting work done in class so I wouldn't have to do it at home, but the strongest one is wanting to be in charge of it. I will delegate, I will lead the discussion, I will Be In Charge, I will be the coattails for others to ride on. Largely because for whatever reason, I could just give off the impression I knew what I was talking about. This, in turn, gave rise to people just indulging my control-freakier nature and then the work getting done by me because arg arg control arg arg i'm so fucking great arg arg i don't trust you to do it arg shut up let me take the wheel arg.
This doesn't work here because, first, I'm not on level footing. They've done the same reading and more besides and had a much firmer grounding in the subject from the get-go; they've either done the first years of the teaching program or are teachers themselves and me? I'm playing catch-up and trying to wrap my head around a pile of things everyone else has already integrated into their thinking.
And second, I don't speak Swedish fluently. Opening my gob to try and add something to the discussion (as I must because I don't wanna be dead weight in this thing) means the flow of conversation will be broken and my more recent comprehension of the subject means that my active vocabulary is not as well-developed and, thus, that my commentary will be less worthwhile than even the normal level of commentary to which you poor suckers are so often subjected.
But still I do because I have to contribute something. The "something" is usually little shortcuts for Microsoft Word I've picked up or bringing material when we're supposed to deconstruct certain kinds of narrative to point out what things mark them as what they are for the still-hypothetical students (narrative vs. descriptive vs. argumentative, etc.) but the last one, where we essentially got together to discuss what grade a given paper should receive?
It's rough.
Because I have to talk.
"I think it is... interesting that there is... a change in the verb tense in the... eight sentence," I'll stumble out, mixing up verb tenses and probably using a few words out-and-out wrong, "Is that a mistake... or shall we say it is a... stylistic choice?"
The others will discuss it for a bit and in the end we decide that while it's a stylistic thing that I myself disagree with, it's not technically a mistake; certainly not as big a mistake as the constant use of "skis" in situations where the singular "ski" is applicable. We discuss for a while how it's one of those words you don't often see in singular, like "pants". Nobody ever talks about a "pant" and if they do, it's probably in a very specialized setting.
The kid, we decided, would pass. For their grade level and how long they'd been working on the language, we judged it all as good progress. Some problems, certainly, but it was in a lot of ways better than my Swedish so...
And, well, aside from what's actually being said and the learning and the grades (y'all have no idea how stoked I am that I got a passing grade on the end-of-term paper, nevermind the number of revisions and assistance begged of folks who can actually speak the language), I just constantly have this quiet realization, first, of what a snippy shit I've been most of my life and, second, that I am now the one whose dead weight must be pulled by others.
And it's hard not to realize what a shit I've been, if only in my head, the other kids I'd have to work with and also to people in my homeland who don't speak the dominant (but not official) language. I mean, I was at least decent enough to not get in peoples' faces but there was a lot of "if you can't speak English, why are you in my country, you parasite?"
Look, I was reading a lot of Ayn Rand at the time; I promise you, I got better but holy wow was there a lot of that sort of thing going on in my head and I know it leaked out into my attitude generally.
It's hard not to realize how much more patient (at least in appearance) all these other people are of me than I think I would have been at their ages; I'm in my thirties now and they're not even old enough to drink (in the States, anyway). They'd still ask me questions, pointedly try to involve me in the conversation even though it was gonna be a chore for them and, frankly, I don't have the vocabulary for discussing a lot of the things they're interested in because I don't know music terms in Swedish so well.
It's hard not to worry about what kind of teacher having been that kind of shithead will make me.
At the same time, I hope that the experience of getting past it and having been put so thoroughly in my place by a sudden need for silence where once I was motormouthed will give me something more to pass on to my (still-hypothetical) students.
'Cause if I can keep one shitty kid who thinks they're so fucking smart from treating the other kids in their group work as if those kids were just dead weight dragging them down, if I could find a way to pass that feeling of gratitude to the people who were so kind to me when I could contribute literally nothing of value and at least go through the motions of considering it, I know I could save that shitty kid a lot of the shame I had to feel and, with any luck, will feel when the tables are turned.
There's a similar, if more applicable bit of wisdom to be found in the Bible, an unlikely source of wisdom for me given my contented agnosticism but it's hard to argue when a thing sounds right:
Proverbs 17:28 "Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." (NIV)
See, I've been taking classes at the local university here in Sweden and since the classes are all in Swedish and I am not a native Swedish speaker... well... it's kind of a thing. But the fun thing about a college-level class is that if you shut the fuck up, people just assume you understand what's going on. Heck, I had a couple folks assume I was an accredited teacher from the States who knew what he was doing just because I seemed together enough that it might be the case. I mean, sure, it's also a class generally meant for teachers but there's a part of me that's all kinds of stoked that I could pass for someone who knew what was up.
And, look, being fair to myself, I generally do understand what's going on but there are times when my attention wavers either because I'm very easily distracted or because the jargon gets a little intense. Which, y'know, isn't too bad. I imagine that's just what it's like being at a college level. It's been about a decade since I was at that level, so...
Kind of a funny story, actually. I wanted to sign up for classes to be a high school teacher (with a focus on teaching the English language since oh WOW do I got a leg up on any Swede who wants that class 'cause I'm a native speaker) with a class in Swedish as a Second Language as my second choice, figuring that if nothing else, I could spend some time making sure my expressive facilities were at least brushing up against a college level before I went in. I've taken the basic levels but, well, stuff gets a bit more intense the more you're expected to know.
Teacher program didn't work out; too many people applying, too few spots. Which is a good thing since there's a teacher shortage here in Sweden, so whatever. Figured I'd to this other class and go attack the teaching class the next year (which is to say: this fall) with a better understanding of the language.
Turned out it was actually a class labeled as Swedish as a Second Language to teach people how to teach Swedish as a Second Language.
So... a little of both worlds? The first term was just a layout of a lot of the basics of the language, subject/verb placement, conjugation, that sorta thing, interspaced with discussions on the dominant language-learning theory. The second half, though--that is to say, the half I just finished--has been about applying that theory in a practical way.
And, y'all, I don't know if you know this but teaching is INTENSE.
The problem comes when it's time for group projects, as will come up from time to time if only to make things a little less awful for the teachers (and, hey, getting to avoid making me do things over again because my Swedish is, erm, a bit eccentric yet) and a little less monotonous for the students. Little things like classroom discussions, how to make worksheets, how to structure lessons and the like. Just to give everyone in the class a chance to understand the material in different ways.
But as we learn, so must we do and I gotta say, the toughest part of it all was the group work.
I have a lot of emotional reactions to group work, most of them coming from Back In The Day when I was interested in getting work done in class so I wouldn't have to do it at home, but the strongest one is wanting to be in charge of it. I will delegate, I will lead the discussion, I will Be In Charge, I will be the coattails for others to ride on. Largely because for whatever reason, I could just give off the impression I knew what I was talking about. This, in turn, gave rise to people just indulging my control-freakier nature and then the work getting done by me because arg arg control arg arg i'm so fucking great arg arg i don't trust you to do it arg shut up let me take the wheel arg.
This doesn't work here because, first, I'm not on level footing. They've done the same reading and more besides and had a much firmer grounding in the subject from the get-go; they've either done the first years of the teaching program or are teachers themselves and me? I'm playing catch-up and trying to wrap my head around a pile of things everyone else has already integrated into their thinking.
And second, I don't speak Swedish fluently. Opening my gob to try and add something to the discussion (as I must because I don't wanna be dead weight in this thing) means the flow of conversation will be broken and my more recent comprehension of the subject means that my active vocabulary is not as well-developed and, thus, that my commentary will be less worthwhile than even the normal level of commentary to which you poor suckers are so often subjected.
But still I do because I have to contribute something. The "something" is usually little shortcuts for Microsoft Word I've picked up or bringing material when we're supposed to deconstruct certain kinds of narrative to point out what things mark them as what they are for the still-hypothetical students (narrative vs. descriptive vs. argumentative, etc.) but the last one, where we essentially got together to discuss what grade a given paper should receive?
It's rough.
Because I have to talk.
"I think it is... interesting that there is... a change in the verb tense in the... eight sentence," I'll stumble out, mixing up verb tenses and probably using a few words out-and-out wrong, "Is that a mistake... or shall we say it is a... stylistic choice?"
The others will discuss it for a bit and in the end we decide that while it's a stylistic thing that I myself disagree with, it's not technically a mistake; certainly not as big a mistake as the constant use of "skis" in situations where the singular "ski" is applicable. We discuss for a while how it's one of those words you don't often see in singular, like "pants". Nobody ever talks about a "pant" and if they do, it's probably in a very specialized setting.
The kid, we decided, would pass. For their grade level and how long they'd been working on the language, we judged it all as good progress. Some problems, certainly, but it was in a lot of ways better than my Swedish so...
And, well, aside from what's actually being said and the learning and the grades (y'all have no idea how stoked I am that I got a passing grade on the end-of-term paper, nevermind the number of revisions and assistance begged of folks who can actually speak the language), I just constantly have this quiet realization, first, of what a snippy shit I've been most of my life and, second, that I am now the one whose dead weight must be pulled by others.
And it's hard not to realize what a shit I've been, if only in my head, the other kids I'd have to work with and also to people in my homeland who don't speak the dominant (but not official) language. I mean, I was at least decent enough to not get in peoples' faces but there was a lot of "if you can't speak English, why are you in my country, you parasite?"
Look, I was reading a lot of Ayn Rand at the time; I promise you, I got better but holy wow was there a lot of that sort of thing going on in my head and I know it leaked out into my attitude generally.
It's hard not to realize how much more patient (at least in appearance) all these other people are of me than I think I would have been at their ages; I'm in my thirties now and they're not even old enough to drink (in the States, anyway). They'd still ask me questions, pointedly try to involve me in the conversation even though it was gonna be a chore for them and, frankly, I don't have the vocabulary for discussing a lot of the things they're interested in because I don't know music terms in Swedish so well.
It's hard not to worry about what kind of teacher having been that kind of shithead will make me.
At the same time, I hope that the experience of getting past it and having been put so thoroughly in my place by a sudden need for silence where once I was motormouthed will give me something more to pass on to my (still-hypothetical) students.
'Cause if I can keep one shitty kid who thinks they're so fucking smart from treating the other kids in their group work as if those kids were just dead weight dragging them down, if I could find a way to pass that feeling of gratitude to the people who were so kind to me when I could contribute literally nothing of value and at least go through the motions of considering it, I know I could save that shitty kid a lot of the shame I had to feel and, with any luck, will feel when the tables are turned.