Friday, Pensive.

[aldersprig]

I've been thinking, after some conversation with cluudle about the nature of friendships, most specifically the idea that it's okay to stop being friends with someone. Not sure where I'm going with that one yet; it still feels foreign

Comments

[skysailor]

It is okay to stop being friends with someone, and I've done it once when the relationship was unhealthy. More often, though, what tends to happen is just not-quite-unintentional falling out of contact.

If you're in a relationship that's hurtful to one of you - and double if you're in a relationship that's hurtful to both of you - then it's not a good one to keep, regardless of whether it's a friendship or some other form of relationship. If you can end it quietly, simply falling out of contact without it seeming deliberate and without them noticing, that's easier, but sometimes you actually do have to step forward and say "This is unhealthy and I'm not going to be your friend anymore."

Painful, though. Quite painful.

Hmm, bisexuality awareness day, eh? Mayhaps I shall write a short fic for it.

[aldersprig]

See, I know people SAY it's okay, but the one time I did it on purpose, I agonized about it, and I did it by blocking on every social media (and they still find new ways to follow me, so I don't think they got the point).

The worst thing about hurtful friends is that they tend...

ouch.

...to tell you they're not hurting you, so they'll never understand why you're leaving and think it's all your fault.

[skysailor]

Then they're wrong, and edging towards the abusive reality-denying mind-fucking end of things, and you should run away faster.

*offers hugs and sympathy and tea and chocolate*

But, yeah, it hurts to leave a friend. Especially because you either once cared about them or still do, and you know it's going to hurt them. But their hurting doesn't mean it's not a good idea, especially if you can't make them understand how and that they're hurting you.

[jeriendhal]

There's nothing wrong with dropping a friendship if it's seemingly one sided. I learned that skill early when I went through the standard Horrible School Years.

[aldersprig]

So everyone tells me (except said horrid friends), but it's a skill I never learned and I really really have trouble with it.

Famine mentality, Cluudle called it.

[lilfluff]

Hmm. You know, I'm thinking now that the Geek Fallacies page has something on this... (Google's for it... Ah, here we go: 5 Geek Fallacies)

Hmm, arguably that page can be summed up as "Geeks tend to end up with such a friendship famine mentality that friendship becomes over valued." When you've only had a few, the thought of ending one isn't comfortable. Or worse admitting that perhaps something wasn't ever actually a friendship to begin with. (One of the most uncomfortable realizations I ever had was when I realized there was a 'friendship' where I had been acting out the role of the overbearing jerks I detested in middle/high school. Only wish I'd had the realization when I still was in contact with and could apologize to the person.)

[cluudle]

Man, I love the geek social fallacies. They're so true, and so toxic if they become accepted in a social circle - total crab bucket ( http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=crab%20bucket ) where if one person tries to reject the fallacies, the group rejects the person.

[the_vulture]

People grow. People change. People sometimes cease to be what other people knew them to be.

I've outgrown a friendship or two. Sometimes it's not easy coming to the decision to end a friendship, especially if it's that slow drifting apart of interests, yet the other party is still seeking you out for company. Other times, the other party makes it easy (i.e. one ceases having reasons to put up with one or more of the other's flaws).

In the first case, things usually sort themselves out. In the latter, it kinda takes direct action. The important thing to rememer about carrying through is that, yeah, the other will not likely thing highly of you for it. However, if you're putting this person into the 'not-friend' category, their opinion shouldn't have any further weight with you.