Halfway Real
Title: Halfway Real
Characters/Pairing: Gabriel/Maya. Kinda.
Rating: NC-17 (smut, wth...been awhile)
Word count: 3,256
Disclaimer: Do not own.
Summery: Apparitions are all he has now
Note: KW Verse. Takes place before Let Go, the end of the series.
What happened to get to that point of Gabe's isolation and during.
But all is not as it seems ;)
Masochist par excellence.
I think I've made a huge mistake, I can see it in her eyes. She had tried to help me, this newly transformed woman, now so calm, civil and wise. Tried to pick me apart like one of my watches and pointing out what was wrong with me and what should be done about it if we were to live more peacefully. But she had expected me to analyse and fix something that was beyond repair. Do it myself.
"I can't do this Maya."
"Why not?" We had been sitting alone in a gloomy but cozy library, rain pouring outside. Nadia was practising seeding with the other kids in her class, muddy and loving it. A pile of books were siting on the low slung table between us, a reading lamp suspended low from above and it cast Maya in a soft orange light. Leaning forward in the leather armchair she lowered the Find Waldo book and tilted her head, waiting for me to explain.
"I just don't feel comfortable doing this. I know I'm not right Maya, I don't need to read all these books so they can to tell me to."
She had sighed and pined her eyes harder to mine. No anger anymore, no teasing light that promises to flourish into something deliciously malicious. She looked interested but impartial, an analyst. Not my enemy, nor the strange partner that had come from our shared parenthood. Drowning had taken her rage away, she's pacified and grown and it had nothing to do with me.
"We're not here to find out something we already assume. But it's so vague to me Gabriel, I need to know and I think you do to. So that you can -"
"Change?" I cut in, scoffed and she just watched me silently. "I've proven to you that I'm different, what else do you want?" I got up and flung a book about Jung on the pile and she bends to pick it up, opening it in her lap to read. I paced up and down, irritable. With me and her.
"Ive been thinking about this for awhile Gabriel...You always liked feeling superior to me, whether that was something small like being better at English then me or because you wanted abilities while I didn't, you thought that made you better then me. You had to teach me the error of my ways, to feel special. But I was morally superior to you and you didn't like it. I was morally and emotionally free while you were stunted and undeveloped. I think you were jealous of me so decided you couldn't stay with me. I annoyed you because of it." She had spoke evenly, quiet and I had frozen but as she said this I felt a bubbling swell of outrage, annoyance, dismissal. But most of all shame.
I tried to laugh it off. "That's right, you were better them me...Happy?"
But no, she wasn't. "When you pointed that gun at me you said I wasn't to 'spoil' it. What did you mean?" I sighed and sat down on the edge of her chair, hand scrubbing over me face.
"God I don't know Maya, it was a long time ago. I don't see what any of this accomplishes."
"Well, according to this book," she pointed to it and I let my gaze flick to it and away, "I'm like food to you. When we first met I had things to offer you, ripe, and that made you happy. But when we got to New York I was then spoiled by that knowledge of what you did. I was not your love, I was your prey." I had shook my head during her entire speech but then grown still again. Her every word felt like it was unraveling what we had tentatively worked on together, already so fragile and precious.
"Don't go over this, please."
"No, I will because I need to know if my time with you doing this is pointless or not. I need to know if some part of you is still exploiting me, still pretending. I will not waste a single second of my life on you otherwise."
And there it was, the threat of abandonment that was forever plaguing me. I had made sure that she couldn't before, not psychically leave and she can't. Her emotions were so tied up with me I never gave them a thought, she would always be angry at me, would always have that part that loved me buried in her heart. Always have that shared relationship with Nadia...
I got on my knees and gripped her thighs in my hands, squeezing and she started to breathe more hard. "I am a small, weak person. Ok? I've known it my whole life. Just - just as I've known that some parts of me are missing." I swallowed, finding it so hard to admit to, but I was desperate. "I feel deep shame that I can't really feel things, not like you can...There's probably a couple of thousand people left in the world now, out of billions and I - I just don't care, I want to feel it but they're...insignificant. Only you and Nadia matter to me, the rest can rot for all I care."
She was so still and silent as I finished, I couldn't read her at all. But then her legs started to shake under my hands and she nodded her head in confirmation. She wasn't angry but her eyes were on fire and my heart leapt. She was reacting to me, she was taking my words to heart and wasn't scared. I smiled at her as her lips parted and moved in between her legs, sliding my hands around her waist and drawing her close to me.
"Get away from me Gabriel." Her voice had wavered and she was trying not to touch me. My face froze, fell.
"What?"
"You heard me, I don't want you to say anymore. I've had enough, I'm going." She pushed at my shoulders, her face twisting in disgust and something in me snapped. I was so mortified, I was so angry.
"You were the one that dragged me here! You were the one that wanted me to tell you! After I warned you that you wouldn't like what you heard. But you still wanted to know. I thought you seriously cared about this." Her tranquility was gone, that old hate was back and snarling her face. I matched her, something sadistic wanting out, something I thought was no more and would never be directed at her like this again.
"Care about you? Are you fucking stupid as well as crazy? You're a liar, you have no soul." She spat out the words, accent thick and I thrust my face up to hers, right up close.
"You want the truth Maya? You didn't mean anything to me. You would have been a nice toy to experiment with if things went pear shaped, see what I could get you to do. Fucking you was a nice start." As soon as it was all out, as soon as that pain crushed her flat I wanted to take it back but it was too late.
She went crazy.
"TOY? FUCK YOU! I HATE YOU, I FUCKING HATE YOU! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? I LOVED YOU, I LOVED YOU AND YOU DID THIS TO ME!" She ripped out my hair, she scratched at my face and then punched me but I didn't let her go. I apologised over and over again as she stood and I ringed my arms around her legs, trapping her. She was crying so hard, shaking and shivering.
"I didn't mean it, you shouldn't have done this Maya, all I do is turn things to shit. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I can't love you like you deserve." But she just kicked me in the gut and I collapsed on the floor, coughing and groaning. I watched her running out, the sound of her sobs echoing in my ears.
I stayed there for hours on the floor, staring into nothing and stewing in my own pain. Once hurt enough I let it drop and I was back in my bedroom, alone and breathing in the smell of paint.
It didn't really happen like that.
Nothing as dramatic as that and I wouldn't say those things to her because it wouldn't be the truth, well parts of it but not all, and I'm not foolish enough to bury myself deeper into the pit I was already in. She left me behind because she saw me for what I was at my core. But I had only said one thing and that was enough to set her off, to cut out her heart and just left it with me to do what I wanted. I put too much stock in her balanced state, not knowing that I was on my very last chance.
But at the time I didn't think it was warranted, we had worse fights then that and I became confused about why she was ignoring me so completely. I imagined things that didn't happen to justify it. What happened is now a nightmare and fetish for me. I like to take my imagination to all sorts of places, it's what I did back in Queens and it's what I do again now. But she did rip out my hair, that was real and it still hurts.
I miss them so much but I deserve this, it's been a long time coming.
*
Pride
She dances out on the grass, spinning round and round for her baby that watches happily. Her white dress fans out cutting a line across her fuzzy sight so that all she can see is green, blue, white and the caramel color of her mama is the middle. She sings a song with no music. She opens her mouth wide and shouts, pulls her hair, stamps her feet and screams.
I shouldn't let Nadia see this apparition but it puts a smile on her face and I always want her to be happy. So I let it slide this once.
*
Love
I sit at my bench, watch before me. Nadia had said that I should make a brand new one from scratch.
"I'll try, for you."
I want to make the best watch I can, I want it to be complicated and horlogerie exquise: exquisite timepiece.That's not hard when I'm the only horologist left on the planet. But I can't seem to work right unless I have my glasses on, when I wear my old clothes and comb and part my hair neatly. Nadia had seen me like this once and she had walked right past me and then cried when she realised who it was and came back. Her daddy is a nerd in disguise. I told her to think of it like Clark Kent and Superman, which seemed to cheer her up. But I don't want to face her in this state, I don't want to hurt her with my failure, how far I've sunk.
I want to make a watch for Maya, one with the zodiac and the moon phase dials, that sort of thing she likes, and give it to her as a gift. I don't know if she would take it, probably not, but at least accept the reasons why I did it for her. I'd engrave a description on the inside casing, expressing what I felt for her but she wouldn't be able to see it unless she prised it apart and looked. Even if she never found it I'd know it was there and she was keeping it close.
*
Need.
I sit alone, so alone and silent to catch any sound of them above. After an agonising stretch of time her arms snake around my neck, down my chest and her mouth presses to my ear. Her hair swings down over her shoulder, a thick plait. It was now down to her hips.
"I'm here mi corazon. I'm here now." She brushes her lip against my skin and I close my eyes. When I open them she's sitting in between my spread legs, back to me. She lifts up a hair brush and turns her face to the side and nods slowly with a smile.
"Thank you..." I take it from her and lay it down on the armchair. It's an old fashioned one, beautiful. Shuddering out a breath I place my hands on her hair, threading the length of it through my hands. It's so soft, smells so nice but so tight and restrictive. "You tie it up to annoy me, don't you?" Her face turns again, that secretive smirk curling her mouth up but she doesn't speak to me. That's fine, just as long as she's here and let's me do what I want.
I slip off the band that binds her hair together and my fingers prise apart the sections of hair that are wrapped around each-other. Her hair then lies in three sections against her back. "Shake your head." She does, shaking and shaking until it all begin to unfurl like shiny black ribbons, masses of it and the smell of her freshly washed hair is intoxicating. Honey. I bend over her and bury my face in it, breathing deep, while my hands slide around her hips and then further up, tracing her curves.
"Si, si...touch me." She says, husky voiced and then she's standing and I'm losing that wanted contact. She turns around, her hair waving and she's no longer in casual wear but a night gown. She offers her hand to me, head tilting. "Time for bed corazon." Her hand in mine we walk into my room, the bed waiting.
But I don't want it to go like this, not yet. I'm still angry with her, still have all this tension eating me up. I come to a sudden stop and tug her around to me. The calm look that she had is now completely gone, she's fired up, panting but not angry.
"You can't do it! You're not like him!" She hisses, provoking and I pull her up to me till our faces are inches apart. She smiles, her eyes flashing and crushes her soft body against mine. "Prove it..."
I throw her onto the bed and she's half naked, leaning up on an elbow expectantly. Sometimes, after we've had a fight I do this, fuck her but never anything more, no matter how angry I get I can't go that far. People do it all the time, in their minds but not like this, not when it's halfway real; get to feel her skin against mine, hear her call my name and explore each other but with no repercussions, just the memory of what I did and that's enough. It's not real but it's all I've got now. It's not to be tarnished.
I press against her back, both naked and whisper the things I'm going to do to her. She growls at me to do it and it becomes rough. I wrap her hair around my hand and tug on it like reins and she groans, her neck arching. The other hand delves in between her legs, forcing them further apart and she struggles, jerking against my back. I'm painfully hard, brushing against her backside and all I can do is grunt. Forcing her head down I slick myself up along her wetness and she gasps, rubbing against me. I start to penetrate and it's then we slow, the fight in the dark over when we're together.
"Si, si, si. Gabriel." So slowly, I do it slow and steady not wanting to hurt her or have that sensation of the first thrust over. It's the only time I really feel any sense of being connected and I've only experienced it truly for a few hours, so many years ago now. I hope she believes that. I hope she believes when I say I didn't want her to die, I saw my mistake as soon as she started bleeding and gasped for breath. She pants and wriggles under me. "I do, I do see. Please, keep going." I do.
Her hands grab hold of the head board and I set up a slow but hard pace but she bucks against me, wet and hot and I go faster. I let go of her hair and lean back, hands on her hips and watch myself pushing in and out of her for a moment until she squeezes around me, breathy and instructing me to touch her again. I pull out and flip her onto her back. She's sweaty and gorgeous, breasts heaving and I growl into her mouth when we kiss. I suck on her breasts, her belly, the inside of her thighs and swipe at her sex before crawling back up her. Her legs and arms encircle me and I enter her again, and continue much more gently. She kisses my shoulder, her teeth grazing when she gets close, her pelvis and belly smacking against mine till it's all I can hear, along with our ragged breathing, moans. Grunting I lean my weight on my hands and thrust my cock deeper into her, watching as she throws her head back and screams and laughs as she orgasms around me. It's only then I let myself go and come inside her, body stiff all over and a growl trapped in my throat that turns into a sigh as I collapse on top of her.
We lie together and she doesn't fade, like she's sometimes want to do. She brushes my hair tenderly and tells me that she loves me in her own tongue. "Mi angel." She hasn't called me that in years, I'd give anything to really hear her say it again. I hold her tight. I'm greedy and possessive of her, I can't stand the thought that others get to lay a claim to her. Not when she's mine, not when she's my family.
When I wake she's gone and I'm a mess. It's deeply shaming, I'm so like I was when all I had was time ticking away in my ears. But I can't stop any of it because apparitions are what I'm living for now. It's worse then before, I could hide and know that I had mom to go back to if I really needed her. But I never really felt happy, I know deep down she twisted me into something pathetic and going back to her was just reinforcing it. I fooled myself into believing I could never be anything worthy only to be proven wrong by my own flesh and blood. I'm a good dad and she's perfectly fine inside.
But I'm going crazy, my balance is off, my control. I've put on that shattered watch but it makes me feel nothing. I need power, I need to be special and I need control back. I can visualise the future, I can be one step ahead of this thing in me and avoid it. But more and more I don't want to, more and more I think about the others that are out there and part of me wants them to find us.
I'm so tired.
I miss my daughter so much, I want to die and come back a better person, someone she can be proud of and someone Maya can forgive.
I should just let go.
Characters/Pairing: Gabriel/Maya. Kinda.
Rating: NC-17 (smut, wth...been awhile)
Word count: 3,256
Disclaimer: Do not own.
Summery: Apparitions are all he has now
Note: KW Verse. Takes place before Let Go, the end of the series.
What happened to get to that point of Gabe's isolation and during.
But all is not as it seems ;)
Masochist par excellence.
I think I've made a huge mistake, I can see it in her eyes. She had tried to help me, this newly transformed woman, now so calm, civil and wise. Tried to pick me apart like one of my watches and pointing out what was wrong with me and what should be done about it if we were to live more peacefully. But she had expected me to analyse and fix something that was beyond repair. Do it myself.
"I can't do this Maya."
"Why not?" We had been sitting alone in a gloomy but cozy library, rain pouring outside. Nadia was practising seeding with the other kids in her class, muddy and loving it. A pile of books were siting on the low slung table between us, a reading lamp suspended low from above and it cast Maya in a soft orange light. Leaning forward in the leather armchair she lowered the Find Waldo book and tilted her head, waiting for me to explain.
"I just don't feel comfortable doing this. I know I'm not right Maya, I don't need to read all these books so they can to tell me to."
She had sighed and pined her eyes harder to mine. No anger anymore, no teasing light that promises to flourish into something deliciously malicious. She looked interested but impartial, an analyst. Not my enemy, nor the strange partner that had come from our shared parenthood. Drowning had taken her rage away, she's pacified and grown and it had nothing to do with me.
"We're not here to find out something we already assume. But it's so vague to me Gabriel, I need to know and I think you do to. So that you can -"
"Change?" I cut in, scoffed and she just watched me silently. "I've proven to you that I'm different, what else do you want?" I got up and flung a book about Jung on the pile and she bends to pick it up, opening it in her lap to read. I paced up and down, irritable. With me and her.
"Ive been thinking about this for awhile Gabriel...You always liked feeling superior to me, whether that was something small like being better at English then me or because you wanted abilities while I didn't, you thought that made you better then me. You had to teach me the error of my ways, to feel special. But I was morally superior to you and you didn't like it. I was morally and emotionally free while you were stunted and undeveloped. I think you were jealous of me so decided you couldn't stay with me. I annoyed you because of it." She had spoke evenly, quiet and I had frozen but as she said this I felt a bubbling swell of outrage, annoyance, dismissal. But most of all shame.
I tried to laugh it off. "That's right, you were better them me...Happy?"
But no, she wasn't. "When you pointed that gun at me you said I wasn't to 'spoil' it. What did you mean?" I sighed and sat down on the edge of her chair, hand scrubbing over me face.
"God I don't know Maya, it was a long time ago. I don't see what any of this accomplishes."
"Well, according to this book," she pointed to it and I let my gaze flick to it and away, "I'm like food to you. When we first met I had things to offer you, ripe, and that made you happy. But when we got to New York I was then spoiled by that knowledge of what you did. I was not your love, I was your prey." I had shook my head during her entire speech but then grown still again. Her every word felt like it was unraveling what we had tentatively worked on together, already so fragile and precious.
"Don't go over this, please."
"No, I will because I need to know if my time with you doing this is pointless or not. I need to know if some part of you is still exploiting me, still pretending. I will not waste a single second of my life on you otherwise."
And there it was, the threat of abandonment that was forever plaguing me. I had made sure that she couldn't before, not psychically leave and she can't. Her emotions were so tied up with me I never gave them a thought, she would always be angry at me, would always have that part that loved me buried in her heart. Always have that shared relationship with Nadia...
I got on my knees and gripped her thighs in my hands, squeezing and she started to breathe more hard. "I am a small, weak person. Ok? I've known it my whole life. Just - just as I've known that some parts of me are missing." I swallowed, finding it so hard to admit to, but I was desperate. "I feel deep shame that I can't really feel things, not like you can...There's probably a couple of thousand people left in the world now, out of billions and I - I just don't care, I want to feel it but they're...insignificant. Only you and Nadia matter to me, the rest can rot for all I care."
She was so still and silent as I finished, I couldn't read her at all. But then her legs started to shake under my hands and she nodded her head in confirmation. She wasn't angry but her eyes were on fire and my heart leapt. She was reacting to me, she was taking my words to heart and wasn't scared. I smiled at her as her lips parted and moved in between her legs, sliding my hands around her waist and drawing her close to me.
"Get away from me Gabriel." Her voice had wavered and she was trying not to touch me. My face froze, fell.
"What?"
"You heard me, I don't want you to say anymore. I've had enough, I'm going." She pushed at my shoulders, her face twisting in disgust and something in me snapped. I was so mortified, I was so angry.
"You were the one that dragged me here! You were the one that wanted me to tell you! After I warned you that you wouldn't like what you heard. But you still wanted to know. I thought you seriously cared about this." Her tranquility was gone, that old hate was back and snarling her face. I matched her, something sadistic wanting out, something I thought was no more and would never be directed at her like this again.
"Care about you? Are you fucking stupid as well as crazy? You're a liar, you have no soul." She spat out the words, accent thick and I thrust my face up to hers, right up close.
"You want the truth Maya? You didn't mean anything to me. You would have been a nice toy to experiment with if things went pear shaped, see what I could get you to do. Fucking you was a nice start." As soon as it was all out, as soon as that pain crushed her flat I wanted to take it back but it was too late.
She went crazy.
"TOY? FUCK YOU! I HATE YOU, I FUCKING HATE YOU! WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? I LOVED YOU, I LOVED YOU AND YOU DID THIS TO ME!" She ripped out my hair, she scratched at my face and then punched me but I didn't let her go. I apologised over and over again as she stood and I ringed my arms around her legs, trapping her. She was crying so hard, shaking and shivering.
"I didn't mean it, you shouldn't have done this Maya, all I do is turn things to shit. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I can't love you like you deserve." But she just kicked me in the gut and I collapsed on the floor, coughing and groaning. I watched her running out, the sound of her sobs echoing in my ears.
I stayed there for hours on the floor, staring into nothing and stewing in my own pain. Once hurt enough I let it drop and I was back in my bedroom, alone and breathing in the smell of paint.
It didn't really happen like that.
Nothing as dramatic as that and I wouldn't say those things to her because it wouldn't be the truth, well parts of it but not all, and I'm not foolish enough to bury myself deeper into the pit I was already in. She left me behind because she saw me for what I was at my core. But I had only said one thing and that was enough to set her off, to cut out her heart and just left it with me to do what I wanted. I put too much stock in her balanced state, not knowing that I was on my very last chance.
But at the time I didn't think it was warranted, we had worse fights then that and I became confused about why she was ignoring me so completely. I imagined things that didn't happen to justify it. What happened is now a nightmare and fetish for me. I like to take my imagination to all sorts of places, it's what I did back in Queens and it's what I do again now. But she did rip out my hair, that was real and it still hurts.
I miss them so much but I deserve this, it's been a long time coming.
*
Pride
She dances out on the grass, spinning round and round for her baby that watches happily. Her white dress fans out cutting a line across her fuzzy sight so that all she can see is green, blue, white and the caramel color of her mama is the middle. She sings a song with no music. She opens her mouth wide and shouts, pulls her hair, stamps her feet and screams.
I shouldn't let Nadia see this apparition but it puts a smile on her face and I always want her to be happy. So I let it slide this once.
*
Love
I sit at my bench, watch before me. Nadia had said that I should make a brand new one from scratch.
"I'll try, for you."
I want to make the best watch I can, I want it to be complicated and horlogerie exquise: exquisite timepiece.That's not hard when I'm the only horologist left on the planet. But I can't seem to work right unless I have my glasses on, when I wear my old clothes and comb and part my hair neatly. Nadia had seen me like this once and she had walked right past me and then cried when she realised who it was and came back. Her daddy is a nerd in disguise. I told her to think of it like Clark Kent and Superman, which seemed to cheer her up. But I don't want to face her in this state, I don't want to hurt her with my failure, how far I've sunk.
I want to make a watch for Maya, one with the zodiac and the moon phase dials, that sort of thing she likes, and give it to her as a gift. I don't know if she would take it, probably not, but at least accept the reasons why I did it for her. I'd engrave a description on the inside casing, expressing what I felt for her but she wouldn't be able to see it unless she prised it apart and looked. Even if she never found it I'd know it was there and she was keeping it close.
*
Need.
I sit alone, so alone and silent to catch any sound of them above. After an agonising stretch of time her arms snake around my neck, down my chest and her mouth presses to my ear. Her hair swings down over her shoulder, a thick plait. It was now down to her hips.
"I'm here mi corazon. I'm here now." She brushes her lip against my skin and I close my eyes. When I open them she's sitting in between my spread legs, back to me. She lifts up a hair brush and turns her face to the side and nods slowly with a smile.
"Thank you..." I take it from her and lay it down on the armchair. It's an old fashioned one, beautiful. Shuddering out a breath I place my hands on her hair, threading the length of it through my hands. It's so soft, smells so nice but so tight and restrictive. "You tie it up to annoy me, don't you?" Her face turns again, that secretive smirk curling her mouth up but she doesn't speak to me. That's fine, just as long as she's here and let's me do what I want.
I slip off the band that binds her hair together and my fingers prise apart the sections of hair that are wrapped around each-other. Her hair then lies in three sections against her back. "Shake your head." She does, shaking and shaking until it all begin to unfurl like shiny black ribbons, masses of it and the smell of her freshly washed hair is intoxicating. Honey. I bend over her and bury my face in it, breathing deep, while my hands slide around her hips and then further up, tracing her curves.
"Si, si...touch me." She says, husky voiced and then she's standing and I'm losing that wanted contact. She turns around, her hair waving and she's no longer in casual wear but a night gown. She offers her hand to me, head tilting. "Time for bed corazon." Her hand in mine we walk into my room, the bed waiting.
But I don't want it to go like this, not yet. I'm still angry with her, still have all this tension eating me up. I come to a sudden stop and tug her around to me. The calm look that she had is now completely gone, she's fired up, panting but not angry.
"You can't do it! You're not like him!" She hisses, provoking and I pull her up to me till our faces are inches apart. She smiles, her eyes flashing and crushes her soft body against mine. "Prove it..."
I throw her onto the bed and she's half naked, leaning up on an elbow expectantly. Sometimes, after we've had a fight I do this, fuck her but never anything more, no matter how angry I get I can't go that far. People do it all the time, in their minds but not like this, not when it's halfway real; get to feel her skin against mine, hear her call my name and explore each other but with no repercussions, just the memory of what I did and that's enough. It's not real but it's all I've got now. It's not to be tarnished.
I press against her back, both naked and whisper the things I'm going to do to her. She growls at me to do it and it becomes rough. I wrap her hair around my hand and tug on it like reins and she groans, her neck arching. The other hand delves in between her legs, forcing them further apart and she struggles, jerking against my back. I'm painfully hard, brushing against her backside and all I can do is grunt. Forcing her head down I slick myself up along her wetness and she gasps, rubbing against me. I start to penetrate and it's then we slow, the fight in the dark over when we're together.
"Si, si, si. Gabriel." So slowly, I do it slow and steady not wanting to hurt her or have that sensation of the first thrust over. It's the only time I really feel any sense of being connected and I've only experienced it truly for a few hours, so many years ago now. I hope she believes that. I hope she believes when I say I didn't want her to die, I saw my mistake as soon as she started bleeding and gasped for breath. She pants and wriggles under me. "I do, I do see. Please, keep going." I do.
Her hands grab hold of the head board and I set up a slow but hard pace but she bucks against me, wet and hot and I go faster. I let go of her hair and lean back, hands on her hips and watch myself pushing in and out of her for a moment until she squeezes around me, breathy and instructing me to touch her again. I pull out and flip her onto her back. She's sweaty and gorgeous, breasts heaving and I growl into her mouth when we kiss. I suck on her breasts, her belly, the inside of her thighs and swipe at her sex before crawling back up her. Her legs and arms encircle me and I enter her again, and continue much more gently. She kisses my shoulder, her teeth grazing when she gets close, her pelvis and belly smacking against mine till it's all I can hear, along with our ragged breathing, moans. Grunting I lean my weight on my hands and thrust my cock deeper into her, watching as she throws her head back and screams and laughs as she orgasms around me. It's only then I let myself go and come inside her, body stiff all over and a growl trapped in my throat that turns into a sigh as I collapse on top of her.
We lie together and she doesn't fade, like she's sometimes want to do. She brushes my hair tenderly and tells me that she loves me in her own tongue. "Mi angel." She hasn't called me that in years, I'd give anything to really hear her say it again. I hold her tight. I'm greedy and possessive of her, I can't stand the thought that others get to lay a claim to her. Not when she's mine, not when she's my family.
When I wake she's gone and I'm a mess. It's deeply shaming, I'm so like I was when all I had was time ticking away in my ears. But I can't stop any of it because apparitions are what I'm living for now. It's worse then before, I could hide and know that I had mom to go back to if I really needed her. But I never really felt happy, I know deep down she twisted me into something pathetic and going back to her was just reinforcing it. I fooled myself into believing I could never be anything worthy only to be proven wrong by my own flesh and blood. I'm a good dad and she's perfectly fine inside.
But I'm going crazy, my balance is off, my control. I've put on that shattered watch but it makes me feel nothing. I need power, I need to be special and I need control back. I can visualise the future, I can be one step ahead of this thing in me and avoid it. But more and more I don't want to, more and more I think about the others that are out there and part of me wants them to find us.
I'm so tired.
I miss my daughter so much, I want to die and come back a better person, someone she can be proud of and someone Maya can forgive.
I should just let go.